Co-written with miss mika namariya. We own nothing!
Ambassador is quite a title. As professional representatives and negotiators, foreign dignitaries can conjure a certain image: a tall, dashing figure, luxurious but tasteful attire, charming manners, and the ability to talk for twenty minutes while saying nothing of substance and seeming to agree with everyone, without technically ever stating a position or promising anything. In short, Duke Takarada but without his eccentricities. Which isn't to say that the Duke didn't have his own diplomatic role to play at the court. But the King and Queen decided a long time ago that although they loved their friend the Duke and knew he was smart and capable, Lory's unique personality and interests were much more helpful at home than abroad. Kuu and Juli did, however, usually send their emissaries-in-training to Lory for a few lessons. Duke Takarada excelled in figuring out which foreign service members could keep their emotions off their face and who could not. And many of the ambassadors took note of the Duke's eccentric but impressive wardrobe — none of them were about to wear a fluorescent pink velvet doublet with matching breeches, but the Duke's gloriously thick mustache and occasional monocle were regularly copied.
Hiroaki Ogata was one of the many dignitaries who had come on behalf of their home nations to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince Kuon and (now) Princess Kyoko. Yes, some of the dignitaries are still around. No, the authors will not state how long it has been since the royal wedding. We leave it up to the reader to imagine whatever timeline suits their fancy.
Hiroaki did not have a monocle, nor did he look capable of growing any sort of facial hair. His manners were charming primarily because of their delicacy: a soft-spoken voice and graceful hand gestures that were accented by dainty wrists and fingers. He might be described as slender — or if someone was being unkind, frail. Instead of an aura of charisma and strength, he had a sort of wistfulness, like a young maiden standing on a cliff, waiting for her lover to return from the sea.
Kyoko was immediately obsessed with him. She was convinced that the legendary Princess Rosa had a twin brother. Or maybe her spirit had been reincarnated into the beautiful young ambassador. Either way, it didn't matter. Kyoko didn't hesitate to introduce herself personally at the first opportunity. Said opportunity happened to be while Ogata was in the middle of a conversation with one of Kuu's administrators, but Kyoko didn't let that stop her. She dropped down from the upper ledge where she'd been walking and landed neatly between the two of them.
To the ambassador's credit, Ogata took the sudden appearance of the crown princess— who was known to be a deadly assassin and had essentially dropped twenty feet straight down to land silently three inches away from him — with more graciousness than most. And if he let out a tiny shriek, well, that would have been both excusable and understandable, and nobody would have held it against him or even mentioned it.
And a friendship was born. Kyoko was delighted to learn that Ogata had been the one to give her and Kuon a gorgeous tapestry featuring a close-up of Sir Hoppington sitting on the armrest of a throne (unlike some of their wedding gifts, the artist Ogata had hired did in fact understand the difference between frogs and toads and depict the correct one). And she was even more delighted when she learned about his passion for theatre. He was extremely interested when Kyoko mentioned her friend Chiori, who led a renowned crew of performers.
"And your friend, this Chiori, she's the director?" Ogata asked one day over tea, which was served in delicate porcelain cups covered in a Sir Hoppington and Lady Lily motif (another wedding gift).
Kyoko said yes, because after all, captains do direct the crew. However, she neglected to mention that her friend and their crew were pirates. And, rather understandably, Ogata did not think to ask.
At Kyoko's request, Queen Julienna had put together a list of general duties that now fell under Kyoko's role as Crown Princess. One of these duties included the hosting and entertainment of visiting nobles and dignitaries from other kingdoms.
In retrospect, the Queen probably should have been a bit more specific about what qualified as entertainment.
"So, I've been thinking," Kyoko said to Kuon one day on one of their typical walks through the royal gardens. Well, it was a typical walk for Kuon. It was a nightmare for any royal gardeners, who watched Kyoko disappear and then reappear several moments later from the center of one of their decorative topiaries. Not that Kyoko ever did any damage to the plants. Some gardeners thought that made it worse.
Kuon pulled a stray leaf out of Kyoko's hair. "About?"
"How to entertain our guests! What do you think about a tournament? We used to have them all the time at the Academy on festival days. My favorite was the balloons!"
"A tournament with balloons?"
"We would each have two," Kyoko explained, "And then throughout the arena— "
"Arena?"
" —there'd be hidden throwing knives or shuriken or blow-darts. It was two points for every balloon you popped, and the last person standing with —"
"Hon, they're diplomats, not soldiers," Kuon said, thinking of Ogata. The very idea of such a game would probably cause the delicate man to faint. "I think they're used to more… sedate kinds of entertainment."
"Oh, right." Kyoko's brow furrowed. Then she brightened. "What about a dinner party?"
"I think that's a great idea," Kuon said.
"I was just hearing about this new kind of party that people are doing! One of the duchesses mentioned it at your mother's salon. Apparently it's all the rage. Everyone thinks it's just a regular dinner, but then someone pretends to be murdered! And everyone else gets to solve the mystery. And I was thinking, you know, well, I'm immune to several kinds of poison, so we could—"
It turned out, Kuon had spoken too soon about that whole great idea thing.
"Darling, I love you, but if you plan a fake murder party you will give someone a heart attack. Foreign dignitaries and murder— even fake— generally do not mix."
"What about appetizer night, then?"
"What's appetizer night?" Kuon asked.
"Once a month at the Academy, instead of normal dinner we'd do appetizers only! It was the best," Kyoko said, beaming.
"Just appetizers for dinner? That's the only difference?" Kuon said slowly. Let it not be said that the Prince didn't learn from his mistakes.
"Of course," Kyoko said easily. "Although Kanae got pretty annoyed at Chiori and I."
Kuon winced. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, when it came to Chiroi. "Because?"
"Well, I think I told you Chiori and I got off on the wrong foot. So on appetizer night she'd put belladonna on the spinach puffs, since those were my favorite. So then I put wolfsbane on the dumplings because those were her favorites, and then it kind of became our thing, and we had decided to make ourselves immune to most common poisons by microdosing. And then Duke Takarada caught wind of what we were doing, and he thought it was a good idea so then all of the appetizers had something in them. I don't have everything with me, but I bet if I asked Kanae she could find some white baneberry or—"
"I'm going to have to talk with Lory again, aren't I?" Kuon sighed.
Later that night, while Kyoko was doing her rounds, Kuon and Sir Hoppington were catching up. Namely, the Prince was recounting the whole conversation from the garden, and without any of Kyoko's fond nostalgia for Chiori's previous antics. Of course, he knew that Choiri and Kyoko were friends now, and good ones. And he did, begrudgingly, admire the pirate captain's audacious personality. But if he and Kyoko ever went to visit her again, he firmly told the frog, they were bringing their own food.
"Was I really seasick that one time? Or did Chiori sprinkle something extra in my seafood stew?"
"Croaaaaaak."
Kuon stared at the frog for a bit, then shrugged. "I suppose you're right. It's better if I don't know."
Sir Hoppington gave a mucus-y thwap of approval with his webbed foot before hopping back into his ever-increasing tank with a large splash.
Because Kuon had (rightfully) nixed all of Kyoko's ideas for how to entertain diplomats, the Princess was back to the drawing board. Or in this case, drawing-room. Specifically, the royal drawing-room where Queen Julienna held her monthly salons, and many of the ladies of the court gathered to exchange news on the latest fashion trends and which young Earl had run off with which other nobleman's daughter and who had the best pastry chef. And there was tea and little sandwiches and cakes and sometimes a scholar was giving a lecture and sometimes there were musicians. It all seemed very inane, and yet a good deal of the business of running the realm happened while the wives of dukes and counts ate cream puffs and discussed tariffs and the best lace patterns for the season. Since the Prince did not attend the salon, Kyoko had never been before. But now that she was Princess, it was expected as part of her duties to mingle more with the court without the presence of her Beloved.
Part of the tradition of the Queen's salon was that new members were asked to show a skill or talent at their first meeting. Kyoko had been informed of this, and also that the talent should be something she wasn't already known for, and not involve any kind of poison.
Fortunately, this was not at all a problem for Kyoko, who had many more specific talents than venues to show them off in. She had just the thing that she was sure the crowd would appreciate. Kyoko waited until everyone had their tea and were settled in their seats before walking to the center of the room. When she felt everyone's eyes on her, she reached into a pocket and pulled out…
A radish?
Murmurs of polite confusion traveled through the room. It was a very large radish, to be sure. Was this perhaps Kyoko's way of letting them know that she was a very adept gardener?
Kyoko then pulled out a deadly sharp and perfectly polished cleaver. That was much less confusing, since the Prince's former bodyguard was constantly pulling sharp objects from her person or seemingly from the air. Practically the whole court was used to seeing her with a weapon (or several) in hand.
Both Kyoko's hands were a blur as she wielded the cleaver, turning and peeling in one motion, the radish falling down in one long translucent sheet. In seconds, the radish was already curling into petal-shapes that formed a beautiful decorative rose. Several women applauded politely.
But Kyoko didn't stop. She kept going, the rose quickly becoming large, then huge, then truly preposterous. Still, she kept peeling. The pile of radish on the floor was becoming as large and leafy as a decorative cabbage. Just when it looked like the cabbage was becoming too prolific and about to topple under the weight of its own leaves, Kyoko stopped and gave a bow.
Half of the women were delighted and began to applaud, commenting to their neighbors that they were unaware that Duke Takarada's mysterious academy apparently trained chefs. The other half were nervously muttering under their breath about how such a display was clearly intended to warn all those watching how easy it would be for their new Princess to skin them alive.
"And do you skin other things?" one countess asked nervously, eyeing the pile of radish on the floor.
Kyoko nodded. It was easiest with a radish, but she'd done it with carrots too. And the occasional fruit. "Of course. The principle is the same."
"Ah," the countess said, looking a bit green. "I see."
"I'd be happy to teach you," Kyoko volunteered.
"N-no, that's quite alright!" The lady replied, a little too quickly, before adding, "But that is very kind, your Highness, I thank you."
Kyoko shrugged. She bowed once more to a smattering of (nervous) applause, and then tucked the cleaver away on the suggestion of more than one lady present.
Julienna, who had watched the whole thing and knew both her daughter-in-law's skills and also her disposition, saw no problem with the reaction from the audience. It would be good for the nobility to have something new to keep them on their toes. The Queen applauded the most enthusiastically of all, and then whisked Kyoko off to the refreshments table.
The Queen was so pleased, in fact, that she didn't even comment when Kyoko started committing food crimes, like stirring peas into her pudding.
LINE BREAK
Eventually, Kyoko had to start attending meetings on her own, sans Kuon. As prince and princess, their attention was demanded in many places, so it really just made more sense to divide and conquer. So, she sat down in the merchant guild's meeting.
"Tea, princess?" Michuru, a servant, asked.
"Please!" She smiled as the tea plate was set next to her. "Oh!"
"Roob." Sir Hoppington was sitting in one of the teacups, soaking himself. He needed to stay hydrated, after all, and there was just warm water in this cup. Besides, it was some of the wedding china - it had frogs on it. Clearly, it was made for him. "Rib-roob."
She took the cup he was sitting in and placed it in front of her, then snagged another to drink. "I thought you were accompanying Kuon today."
"Roob."
"Well, it's lovely to have you." She gave him an appreciative pat.
The merchants eyed the small knight nervously. They had all heard about the princess's frog but were not prepared to see him soaking in a teacup like it was his own personal hot spring. He even had a tiny towel sitting on his head. Some of Kyoko's team fetched him a thimble full of sparkles on which to snack.
"So!" Kyoko smiled and clapped her hands. "Shall we begin?"
There were murmurs of assent and the scraping of chairs being pulled out, the rustling of fabric as everyone settled into place, and then everyone just… sat. The merchants all looked at each other, each waiting for someone else to start talking. Everyone thought that someone else was in charge of the agenda for this very important (or so they had insisted) meeting with a member of the royal family.
Truthfully, it was a meeting that the guild had demanded because they felt they were important and wanted to be heard, and Kyoko wanted her citizens to feel listened to, so she had agreed to come. But did the merchants have anything substantial to say? No.
They sat in awkward silence for a few more moments, before one of the younger merchants couldn't bear it any longer.
"Your Highness certainly has, a very… er, unique taste in fashion," he ventured.
Kyoko somehow missed that the statement wasn't a compliment. "Thank you," she said smiling. "It's so I can store many knives."
"How about that weather we've been having lately?!" Another merchant interjected, eager to head off any discussion of exactly how many knives the Princess was carrying. The others at the table— also wanting to avoid any discussion (or demonstration!) of the knife collection— were quick to join in steering the conversation to how cloudy it has been the past few days. There was a great deal of sudden enthusiasm for talking about the weather, which went on for too many minutes before transitioning into a discussion of what they should spend their precious meeting time talking about. An astute reader might think that this is the sort of thing that should be sorted out before the meeting, and they would be correct.
"Well, if there is nothing very urgent to discuss, then I'm sure you must all have more important things to do elsewhere," Kyoko said sincerely. "I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time."
There was an immediate protest.
"Oh! Princess! No, of course not! How could you even think such a thing?"
"We are humbly grateful for the time you have so benevolently bestowed upon us…"
"We have very urgent matters to discuss that only Your Highness could possibly—"
"Riiiiiib", went Sir Hoppington. The sound cut through the chatter.
"I see," Kyoko said softly. She smiled at them politely. "And what are these very urgent matters you wish to speak of?"
"A new guild hall!" One of the merchants said quickly, glancing around the table. "We must have a new guild hall. Your Highness, our current one, the state of disrepair! It's not fit for anyone to be in."
"Roob."
"Oh? What's wrong with it?" Kyoko asked, taking a sip of her tea.
"The roof leaks!" One volunteered.
"Rib-roob," said Sir Hoppington.
"Already?" Kyoko asked. "But wasn't it repaired three months ago?"
"Er… yes, how did you know?" the merchant asked.
"It's the building in Eastern Market square, across from the large fountain, right?" Kyoko asked.
There were several nods.
"That roof is in an excellent state of repair," Kyoko said with certainty. She knew it was a good roof, because she regularly ran across it when she was doing her night patrols in the city. "The shingles were just replaced, and they are all quite sturdily attached."
"Ah, now that your Highness mentions it, that's quite right," the head merchant said. "What we meant, actually, was that… uh, it's a bit far!"
"Is it?"
"Yes! It's quite far," a younger man piped up from the far end of the table. "The commute really is quite terrible. If only we had a different guild hall, like the new one the glassblowers have near Town Square, I'd get to spend more time with my wife and darling son!"
"Rib."
"But you're unmarried," Kyoko pointed out. "And you don't have a son."
The younger man immediately scrunched down in his chair.
"Besides, Town Square is farther from your house than the current guild hall."
The room was silent, except for Sir H splashing in his tea cup.
"Well! We really must be going," one of the merchants declared suddenly, quickly standing.
"That's right! Wouldn't want to take up any more of the Princess's valuable time!"
"Of course, of course. Mustn't be late for our next appointment!"
"You don't have a next appointment," Kyoko said, looking at them. "Are you sure you don't want to stay for another cup of tea?"
"Rib-rib," said Sir Hoppington, splashing in his cup.
"Your Highness is too generous!"
"I think we're all set!"
"I'm actually allergic to tea, but only if I have more than one cup, so—"
It took all of two seconds for the merchants to leap from their chairs and each give a hasty bow before filing out the door.
"How did she know we just had the roof done?" One of them muttered.
"Nevermind that, how did she know Todd's still unmarried?" Another replied.
Less than two hours after the meeting, rumors began swirling throughout the palace and the castle town that the Princess was a witch in disguise, and that the frog was her familiar. There was no other explanation for how Kyoko had dealt with the chattiest, pushiest guild in the city in less than fifteen minutes. She must have some kind of magic powers. Or perhaps the frog was a wizard in disguise, who had made some great enemies abroad and was hiding as a frog in the royal court.
Of course, Kyoko's team carried the reports back to her. They reported to her in the evening, after she had done her final perimeter sweep and was settled in bed with Kuon.
"Absolutely ridiculous! What nonsense," Kyoko scoffed. "Of course he's not some shape-shifting wizard. He's a perfectly normal knight of the realm who happens to be a selectively poisonous frog who can taste lies. Honestly, what's so hard to get?"
"He can eat lies?" Kuon said, sitting up.
"What? No, he tastes them," Kyoko said, giving Kuon an indulgent smile and gentling booping his nose with her finger. "Why would he want to eat them?"
"Rib-roob," Sir Hoppington called sleepily from his tank.
"Exactly," Kyoko replied.
"I am so lost," Kuon said.
"Shh, it's fine. Go to sleep," Kyoko said, tucking her head into the crook of his neck.
He could think about all this in the morning, the Prince decided. He'd be able to make sense of it after a good night's rest. He certainly wasn't going to bother trying to figure out whatever all that was now, when Kyoko was curled around him and he could feel her soft breath at the base of his throat. Really, there wasn't any point in him trying to have any thoughts that weren't about Kyoko when she was this close to him. His orange-cat brain didn't allow for it.
It did not, it turned out, make sense in the morning. In fact, when Kuon woke up feeling refreshed, it made even less sense. But then again, very few things about Sir Hoppington made sense to Kuon. He'd just learned to live with them. Maybe one day he'd learn all the frog's secrets. He still only knew four of Sir Hoppinton's middle names. How many were there? It remains a mystery. Why is Sir Hoppington so overpowered? Because he's the best. How is it possible for a frog to have such incredible talents? There's no possible explanation. Kuon had learned not to worry about such pointless things, and we encourage the readers to do the same.
LINE BREAK
"Kuon." Shake shake. "Kuon, wake up."
He was pulled slowly from his dream, in which he was still planning the tadpole shower. "Whuh?"
"Wake up." Kyoko was standing over him, an odd expression on her face.
"Hi." He reached up, intending to pull her in for a good-morning kiss. However, she pulled back, shaking her head. That got his attention, and he sat up, blinking away the last of his bleariness. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I mean. Well, technically it's good news. I've just - you don't want to kiss me, I've been vomiting for the better part of the last hour." She swallowed, and he finally placed the odd expression on her face as repressed nausea.
"Vomiting? You should be in bed! I'll call the healer." He scrambled out of bed and was partway through trying to shoo her into the covers when she spoke again.
"I'm not sick."
"You literally just said you were throwing up." He stared at her for a moment. "Do you… do you want me to make you the Health Juice?"
"It's not necessary. I mean, it sounds amazing now that you mention it, but -"
"Okay, you're definitely sick. Get in bed." He guided her in, not understanding the amusement on her face. Okay, step one, get the healer. Step two, maybe call Kanae for the Health Juice recipe. He settled the blanket around her, then made to step away.
She caught him by the wrist, gently. "Kuon. I'm not sick."
"You're clearly delirious, you said the Health Juice sounded amazing."
"It's because I'm craving it." She looked at him as if she was giving him a big hint, which in fact she was. When he continued to stand there, too worried to put the pieces together, she smiled and shook her head. "Kuon. It's morning. I've been vomiting. I'm craving something that no one in their right mind would ever want to consume. That means…?"
"That you're in desperate need of a healer."
"Kuon, I think I'm pregnant."
And a moment later, Kuon was being awakened by Sir Hoppington's tongue smacking his lips. After all, Kyoko had brushed her teeth, but still thought it was best not to risk it. The most loyal knight ribbited in a very dignified manner before hopping off to the side table to let the royal couple have their moment.
"You're - really?" He wasn't dreaming, was he?
"I mean, I think so. We'll have to talk to the healer and have them do a test to confirm it, but I'm six days late on my cycle, and I've always run like clockwork." She shrugged, then - "WAUGH!"
This last outburst was caused by Kuon rocketing to his feet and scooping her up, running in great strides and his pajamas down the halls to the healer's wing. Kyoko buried her face in his neck and did her damndest to fight down the nausea. He noticed and stopped bounding, instead switching to a much smoother gait. He did not, however, slow down.
Twenty minutes and one appropriately magical test later, they had their answer.
Kuu and Julie, who had not been told in any way whatsoever, shot up in their bed on the other side of the castle, and looked at each other with giant grins.
Their grandchild was coming.