Author's note : this story is almost done and it makes me slightly sad! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. Now, let's start with this one! Just a little note: I use the extra dialogue you can find on YouTube for this scene since I felt like it fits the vibe.
IX. EYES ON ME
She is forced to move in such a jarring way.
She tries to resist, but it's no use; her body jerks up, and a guy who tries to stop her gets blasted against the opposite glass wall. The voice in her head mocks her for the pity she feels for the poor guy, and mocks her because she is trying to resist, or at least to make it difficult for the voice to achieve what she wants by using her body. Another guy is a victim of this superhuman strength she suddenly has, and Rinoa pushes a little harder against the entity possessing her when she hears Squall's voice booming through the corridor, cutting through the alarms and the mocking laughter in her head telling her she's so weak, so ridiculous.
She screams, without her voice, when Squall gets blasted against the wall too, but he barely grunts and keeps trying to grab her arm, to stop her somehow, only to be smashed again and again. He holds his shoulder as if it's injured, there is a green light of curative magic around him, and he tries again, and again, and again - so persevering, and yet so useless.
Her inhuman strength wreaks some havoc even in the control room, and she barely hears Quistis' voice asking what's wrong with her, and some other woman screaming no, absorbed as she is in trying to contrast the voice moving her body as if she's just a puppet she can play with. A horrified man's voice says something about a seal that Rinoa can't comprehend, and then a metallic woman's voice resonates throughout the control room.
- Adel's Tomb Level 1 Seal Deactivated. -
She feels dread spreading into her, as she completely loses control of her fingers, and try as she might, she is too scared, the voice in her head too mocking of all her weaknesses, and she has never been good at fighting alone, and she has been fighting against that voice for so long. She's tired, and she knows she can't give up now, and yet she can't fight anymore.
Squall hits a control panel, this time, when the voice channels energy through her arm and blasts him once again.
She blasts her way around this place she doesn't know, and the dread fills her once again, the terror swelling like a wave ready to crash violently against the beach during a summer squall in Timber. She is forced to wear a suit, and forced to exit, and her fighting is more and more useless, her resistance more and more futile, and her will weaker and weaker. Her hand trembles with the force of the fight raging within her when the voice forces her to raise it, and open the control panel on this almost majestic-looking and yet so utterly terrifying crystal seal. The monstrous creature inside makes her blood run cold, and her veins quiver; blood-red eyes shoot open, and a smirk exuding viciousness curls the creature's lips.
And then, suddenly, for the first time in weeks, she is alone with her thoughts again, and she takes a calming breath, still trembling, three things omnipresent in her mind.
Terror.
Power.
And Squall.
She is forced to relive things in such a painful way.
There is someone sifting through her thoughts. She knows the feeling, now, but this is much gentler; a gliding touch that moves her memories along like cards in a filing cabinet. There's another presence, waiting to the side and looking as the other one picks memories and pushes them to the surface. It's almost disconcerting, and yet, after so many days of fighting against a voice that used to ridicule her, it is almost soothing. She would surrender to this; she would find respite in it.
She relives the way she forced Irvine to go back to the prison to save everyone, even though in her heart she meant save Squall. She relives the almost embarrassing way she acted, the spoiled princess who always gets what she wants to a T. And she does get what she wants, even though she has to scratch and kick and use a little violence to obtain it. But she would do it anyway; for Selphie, and how she has become her friend, secretly teaching her how to use magic when Squall wasn't looking, so she wouldn't be a burden; for Zell, who got beaten just to defend her, and who is still so beaten up about Balamb Garden that she has to make sure he comes back and sees with his eyes that everything's fine; for Quistis, even though she hurt her so much with her downplaying what her rebellion was, and what everything meant to her, from running away to fighting for Timber's freedom; and for Squall, because he is not the masks he wears, and she knows there's something more within him, something she only barely scratched, and she so wants to discover.
The memory dissolves like foam against the beach when Irvine turns the car, and she feels her mind rummaged again, a set of eyes watching intently, but gently, too.
She is now in Balamb Garden, and embarrassment crushes her anew when Zell realizes her tenderness towards Squall. She is once again filled with the wonder of her own realization, she once again feels her cheeks growing red hot, and the idea that her secret love is not a secret anymore for the one sifting through her thoughts and the one looking on is even more embarrassing. She can't hide anything, now, and she feels so bare, so exposed.
And yet, they don't feel like malicious presences, and there's even tenderness in the touch gliding over her memories, a kind of wonder in the gaze examining her. It chokes her with unexpected tears.
Then the presences move away, like the tide receding, and she is alone with her thoughts. She wonders where she is; the infinite black mass of the universe, the pale blue dot of Earth, the red, angry column of something releasing from the moon, and the majestic crystal seal following it.
Then she thinks where am I...? and it's not her thought. The presences are with her again, and in the deep universe, so black, so starry, with the Earth so pale blue in an infinite distance, it's a relief, because she won't die alone. They are examining her thoughts again, and this time, they fill her with an unspoken terror.
There's the voice in her again, mocking, belittling, pushing her towards things she doesn't want. She tries to resist with all her might, and as the presence sifting through her memories stops in its tracks and listens to her mind noise, the watchful presence is speaking - or thinking - this is so confusing - it's all in her head and she'd think she's going crazy with horror at the idea of dying if they didn't feel so human. So real .
You're...
She feels like she's thinking as herself in the present and as herself in the past and as this determined, tender presence with a precise purpose, watching her every move. She is, once again, in Galbadia Garden's auditorium; she is forced to walk towards Seifer, a mix of pity and incredulity washing over her; she is forced to kneel...
Rinoa...
...forced to cradle Seifer in her arms and whisper words she doesn't understand in his ear...
This isn't Rinoa!
But this is Squall. Squall and his determination, Squall and his awkwardness, Squall and his kind of rough affection, Squall and his will.
Oh my loyal knight, Seifer...
The sorceress is alive... the sorceress demands.
Ultimecia!?
Rinoa is so tired of not being the owner of her thoughts. She feels pulled in every direction, to the point she doesn't know how to be herself anymore; and as Squall's presence becomes more prominent, she recedes, like the tide, when she can be just Rinoa, the girl who ran away from home because flyer guy showed her the harsh reality of Timber's occupation, the girl who earned the Owl's trust and her own codename, the girl who managed to secure SeeD's services, and the girl who fell in love with a broody soldier, and his many masks, and his intriguing layers, and his core of hurt tenderness.
The future sorceress is inside Rinoa!?
...Transferred from Edea?
She would laugh at Squall's sharpness, if she wasn't so desperate. She wants to be alone and with him for her last few minutes too, and yet she feels suspended in time, like she is still locked in the terror of those first minutes in which she wasn't herself anymore. It is so ironic, she thinks.
Where's Rinoa!
She tries to scream, to answer, but her voice isn't all hers yet. The presence rummaging her thoughts can't feel her, and in the distortions of time and memory, the mocking, belittling voice excruciatingly booms again. Find the legendary Lunatic Pandora, said to be hidden beneath the ocean.
Only then shall the sorceress provide you with dreams again.
Rinoa! Where are you? Answer me!
But she can't, and as Seifer says As you wish, Ultimecia, the belittling voice flips her fingers. She has only a moment of terror, as a surreal, horrifying cold spreads into her being once again; she doesn't have control of her limbs, once again: and she can only send a last, involuntary prayer.
Squall... I'm scared.
- Remaining Life Support System: 15 seconds. -
She is alone, she thinks, even though she doesn't think she knows what alone means anymore.
But it's her voice, now, the one that thinks am I... gonna make it...?
In the silent, cold, dark expanse of the universe, she is just a fragile, useless spot. She swallows tears, trying futilely to slow down her breath, because there's nothing else she can do to save herself.
How...?
I can't do anything...
Drifting...
Endlessly...
I'm helpless...
She wonders if that's not the truth about her, after all; that for all her strong will, and determination, she is just as helpless as she was back in Deling City, trying vainly to open the automatic lock of her golden cage.
- Remaining Life Support: 0. -
No...
And yet, what could she do? She doesn't have control over her drifting, and she is too tired after such a long fight against the voice, and air is becoming thin and hot, and her breath is ragged.
I'm... That's it... I'm gonna...
She won't be able to see Squall open up to her, after all, and she won't be able to see his smile, and she won't know how his kisses taste, and she won't be able to liberate Timber with her friend, after all. There are so many faces in her mind now; Watts, when he was just flyer guy, thrusting the truth in her hands, and then when he became Vanguard, and then when he became Watts; Zone, when he didn't trust her, when he was just grimace guy even though his codename was Nightwatcher, and then when he became her big brother Zone; Vulpe and her finger width of coffee and muffins and green apples for her sweet dog; and Selphie, and her warm smile, and Zell and his shadowboxing to release pent-up energy, and Quistis and her kind of awkward way to apologize for what she said in Deling, and Irvine and the way he acted with girls and how in reality he only has eyes for Selphie.
And Squall. He never knew how much liberating Timber meant to her, and how much she wanted to show him Sant'Angelo di Roma, and hear Timber's bell. He will never know how tenderly, and awkwardly, and deeply she loves him.
I'm gonna... die.
- Life Support Has Terminated. -
Goodbye.
Squall...
Rinoa! he roars in her mind, and she fights against unconsciousness. His presence is frantic with the need to do something, anything , to save her, and it's almost agonizing.
He keeps yelling, calling her name, pushing through the barriers of the present to settle into her mind once again. He is not sifting through her thoughts, now; he is pushing them to the side, forcefully trying to be front and center in her mind.
I'm right there with you!
It could be a hallucination, and yet he feels so real, but her eyes feel so heavy, and her mind so clouded, and his voice is so loud. Then, somehow, two things happen at once: her rings clink together, and she fights to open her eyes. Her mother's wedding band gently collides against Squall's lion ring, and she thinks back to that conversation, and how he wishes to be a lion, proud and strong, and how she wishes she could be a lion, too. Squall's equal.
I'm... still... alive...? she wonders. Is her mind tricking her?
Squall...?
Someone is moving her arm, her hand, curling her fingers to press a button on her suit. Amazingly delicious air enters her helmet, and she gulps down a breath, another, and as she closes her eyes, enjoying those few more minutes of life, she feels arms envelop her, a body pressing warm and alive against her back, and relief is so overwhelming that it's painful.
Squall... thank you. I heard your voice.
How she wants to touch him.
...I can't believe it, he breathes, full of wonder.
But she has to ask. And she does. Are we gonna make it? Did she just drive Squall to die with her in outer space, in the cold, void expanse full of menacing twinkling lights, home just a dot in the distance, unreachable?
I'll save you.
And he does.
She is forced to breathe in such a relieving way.
While facing impending death out in space, in Squall's arms, she never thought that she would be able to fill her lungs with air again. It is sweet, and it tastes like second chances, and like devotion.
As she watches Squall take off his space suit, she feels her heart bursting at the seams with tenderness. She looks at him, when he turns, rolling her weight on her feet and then nodding.
Thank you, Squall. Her voice cracks a little when she adds, you rescued me again. I can't thank you enough.
Don't worry about it, he replies, trying to act cool, even though something, in the way he says it, betrays his emotion. He sighs before adding, I just did what I wanted to do.
It takes her breath away. It's not I did it because it was an order to do so, it's not it was just luck. He jumped into space with no plan whatsoever because he wanted to be with her, even though it could mean dying together.
Unable to resist anymore, she opens her arms.
He looks like a chocobo caught in the headlights, and she would giggle, if her need wasn't so uncontainable.
The space suit was in our way before.
He doesn't understand, and the look he shoots her is confused. So endearing. Give me a hug.
He doesn't move, and Rinoa guesses he spent so much time avoiding interaction that now he doesn't know how to let go.
A real tight one, she adds, mimicking it. I need to know that I'm alive!
He doesn't move, again. We may be alive now... but look at our situation...
The voice of reason, as usual.
You want to live, right? he asks, and even though he's rejecting her affection, there's something in his voice that speaks of a deep feeling. You want to go back and see everyone, right?
Understanding dawns on her. There is a deep feeling in his voice because he is talking about himself, too. And a memory gently blooms in her mind, and she knows his fears, now. All his fears, all his doubts, all of his tender core.
And not become other people's memories? she asks, and she knows she is spot on when he nods, a flick of relief on his face.
That's right.
She nods, too, feeling closer to him than how she would have felt if he hugged her. She follows him through the spaceship, through the grueling fights against alien monsters, and when they finally crack the code of how to get rid of those ugly things definitely, she follows him through the spaceship again and waits as he throws them back in space, for good measure.
When they finally reach the cockpit, the spectacle of the stars, the very black and vast expanse that almost killed her, fills her with wonder. Wow! she breathes, running towards the seats, taking in everything. She lets Squall take care of the console that's trying to talk, and when the words This is Airstation. Do you copy? resound around them, she can't contain herself anymore. She launches herself at Squall's back, taking that hug he so carefully managed to avoid earlier. He feels so warm. He makes her come so alive.
She watches, in silence, as Squall follows the instructions to take the ship back home, and when he turns the volume of the communications down, signaling her to take the seat next to him, the gravity generator deactivates and she finds herself suddenly flying. She laughs, until Squall moves to take her into his arms and bring her closer to the seats. He gets in his, telling her to sit down and put her belt on, but hugging him is so nice. It makes her feel so nice. And so she lets her body fall down on his lap with a gentle bounce, and his arms are ready to steady her.
He sighs, a little defeated, like he knows her too well to tell her again to go back to her seat. She would feel light-headed with happiness, but there's something in her that is different than what was before, now, and she sighs, too.
We'll be home soon?
Hopefully. She feels the smoothness of his leather glove on her shoulder . Now go sit down, he tries again, nodding toward the seat with his head, but she doesn't want to.
Just a little longer, she pleads, moving her head so she can look at him from up close. Her fingers delve deeper into his fur collar, dangerously close to the skin of his neck, and her other hand carefully glides over his cheek.
Why are you holding onto me like this? He asks, taking her hand in his. For a split moment, she fears he has understood something, and honestly, he probably did since he is always so smart, but he looks somehow scared, like he is about to hear something he doesn't want to.
You don't like this, Squall? she asks, trying to change the subject, averting her eyes.
He lets her hand go, and shrugs a little. Under her knee, she feels once again his leather glove, like he's trying not to touch her and yet wants to. The possibility gives her a thrill. Just not used to it, he answers.
How about when you were little? she says, tucking away in her heart the fact that he didn't say he didn't like it. She wonders, when was the last time he was hugged before that split-second embrace when the Airstation contacted them? Didn't you feel safe and secure being held by your parents?
He tilts his head up, looking at the stars they're voyaging through. She looks at the movement of his Adam's apple as he swallows; how come everything, from this guy who was so mean just a few months ago, fascinates her so, now?
I can't remember anything about my parents, he answers, and she feels moved by the sincerity in his tone. He is not dismissing her. He is listening. He is talking . He turns to look at her, and his eyes are so clear. The aquamarine color they held back in March, when they met maybe under these same stars, and danced together, and intrigued each other so much. Ellone was there for me. Ellone was there to hold my hand.
For a moment, it feels like he's leaning on her palm, but then he moves his head away. Made you feel safe and secure?
Sure, he says, and Rinoa can tell he's trying a little too hard to sound indifferent. But she left, he continues, looking once again at the stars. Just disappeared. And before she can even think of a proper response, he adds, spontaneously, I'm afraid... afraid of having that feeling of comfort taken away. His eyes are cast away from her, but she can see, in his entire demeanor, how defeated this makes him feel. She knows his entire philosophy circled around self-reliance, and she now knows why, too.
It is such a precious gift.
You were afraid of losing us? she whispers. Is that why you kept your distance?
I was always alone... he replies, like it's justification enough.
Oh, Squall, she exclaims, pulling him into a hug, almost close enough to touch his forehead with hers. How scared he must have been, when she was unable to talk, and move, and do whatever she could to make him feel safe and secure again. How much he must have suffered, all his life, losing memory after memory of affection and comfort, as Guardian Forces took them to grant him power. How lonely he must have felt.
You missed out on all the good things in life, she adds. And still, she can't understand him, because even at her loneliest, she had Zone, she had Watts, she had Vulpe and Angelo, and all the people of Timber who looked out for her, in some way or other. Squall's loneliness crashes over her in such an unexpected way, and she holds him closer still, so close she can feel the warmth of his breath on her skin. You've missed out on so much, she insists, when he gently pulls away.
...Maybe, he says, in a kind of lighthearted tone meant to lift the heaviness his confession has made fall around them.
Definitely, she nods, in the same lighthearted way.
It's her time for confessions, now, and she wants Squall to never feel alone again. She turns to look at the stars, his fingers gently caressing her shoulder. I like it like this, she starts, and then looks at him, just to make sure this prolonged contact between them doesn't bother him. She needs him, but she also respects him. I liked having my mom hold me, and her voice breaks a little under the pressure of loving memories. My dad too, back when we got along.
I'm not your mum, he comments, so serious she laughs out loud.
No, she says in between laughs. There's a glint, in his eyes, that tells her he enjoys her reaction. Of course not. But now... She swallows because this is the first time she'll admit this out loud, cringe moment with Zell notwithstanding. Squall, you're the one who gives me the most comfort. Comfort, and happiness... and annoyance and disappointment, too! She moves her legs, trying to ignite a reaction.
Then: ...Whatever, he says, just as she says it, and she laughs again. She knows this mask so well, that it's almost too easy. Then she looks out at the stars again; she used to wonder where her mother was, and think she was between the stars; she used to search for the Sister Stars, and think she was there, watching over her; and she now wonders where the Sister Stars are, around them, and if finding them would mean find part of her mother, too. Ever since my mom died and dad became too busy... The fingers caressing her shoulder dig in it a little, and she turns to look at him. He is waiting for her to say something, and the glint in his eyes is curious, accepting, open. I've never longed to touch someone this much. She waits. A beat, another, she can't wait for the third. I'm serious. Totally serious.
Ok, ok, he replies, as she moves her hand on his cheek. There's some tension in his neck, like he's resisting the temptation to lean in. I believe you.
She laughs, feeling a kind of relief she doesn't truly understand. Making sure you're not jealous, that's all.
Jealous? he asks, and he sounds a little confused. Of who?
Turns out she shouldn't have worried, after all. Oh, nothing. You don't care about people's past, she sighs. It's a relief, but she would have appreciated a tiny bit of jealousy, even though it's silly. She can't deny the devotion of a guy who threw himself into space to be with her.
You mean... Seifer? There is a sigh, and she now wishes she didn't say anything, and ruin this moment of a tenderness they're not able to define yet.
Jealous now? she asks.
He shrugs, and she is convinced that she has nothing to worry about. He doesn't want to keep his distance even though she once had a silly crush on a guy who hurt him so much, and he'll believe her when she tells him all the truth, and maybe he'll believe her when she tells him she will never leave him, too. Curious, maybe, he finally comments.
You don't have to worry, she replies, holding him tighter. It's all in the past, now. She hopes he gets what she really means: there is you, now, and you are so all-encompassing for me that I can't even remember liking someone else, now.
And I won't leave you. You're not alone, now.
He doesn't hug her back, but she understands. She wants to weep for the small boy who wasn't hugged as a child, who lost an adored sister, who spent years thinking he was alone and crafting the many layers he protects himself with. She is privileged to even feel his gloved hand on her shoulder, squeezing from time to time, a restrained reply to her much more open embrace. It is enough. She will love him out of his shell, if he allows her to, and protect him from every hurt. And it will be beautiful.
He clears his throat. You should go back to your seat now, he says, but his order lacks its usual sternness.
The power left inside of her pulses, a meek reminder of what she is, now. Just a little longer, she pleads, holding him closer. He lets her, and for a moment, the power lays dormant again, not dangerous, not damning.
We're gonna make it home, right? she asks.
We can only hope, he replies, still true to his philosophy; say things as they are. No sugarcoat.
When we get back... she starts, still unsure of how to say it. The power pulses again, and it reminds her of her menstrual cramps. We won't be able to stay together, uh?
...Maybe. He may be awkward with affection, but he sure knows how to comfort her. He takes the hand she still has on his shoulder and squeezes. No one can predict the future, there are no guarantees, he quotes, with a kind of tenderness that is so new, so welcome, and for that, so hurtful. Those were your words, Rinoa.
...That's not what I meant.
But she doesn't know what she means, now, and why she started with this, and she doesn't know what to say now.
We'll figure out what to do once we get back, he tries, but she pushes herself off his lap, finally listens to him, and sits down on her seat.
Rigid, straight back, hands rubbing nervously her knees, she whispers, they'll all be angry at me.
Angry? he asks, but before he can add something, or before she can reply anything, the radio interrupts them and Squall turns up the volume again.
- This is Airstation. Ragnarok, please respond. -
This is the Ragnarok, says Squall.
- We have some questions for you. We're collecting escape pods. We have a good idea of what happened. -
She sharply takes in a calming breath, looking out at the stars. Maybe, just maybe, if he let her go, when she was out there, then-
- I hear no one from Lunar Base is on the Ragnarok. How many of you are there? -
Just two. Suspicion is creeping into Squall's voice, and he's looking at her, she can feel his gaze on her skin like a caress. She turns to him, almost ready to beg him to lie, but then she realizes he can't. They can't. So much for not predicting the future. This was one hell of a guarantee she may have liked to have, after all.
- ...Your names?-
Squall. I'm a SeeD from Balamb Garden.
It's almost like he knows something's wrong, and yet he hasn't put together the pieces yet. Or maybe he has, but he wants to ignore the results. Just like her.
- And the other? -
...Rinoa.
It's the slight hesitation in his voice that does her in.
She closes her eyes and waits.
- Rinoa? -
- The Sorceress!? -
- She's on the ship!? -
His gaze is on her again, and she knows he knew, even before this guy unceremoniously blurted it out on the radio with a panic-stricken voice. She opens her eyes and looks at him, unable to see him clearly with the tears clouding her vision. She hopes her voice is firm enough.
I've... become a sorceress. I can't stay with you anymore, Squall.
- Respond, Ragnarok! -
I don't want the future, she says, her voice breaking. I want the present to stand still. I just want to stay here with you...
Here, where she can't leave him too, where she can be his source of comfort and happiness, maybe, here where she can be just Rinoa, where he just let her hold him as long as she wanted, and yet it's not enough, it will never be enough, and in the end, she won't be able to stay with him because time moves on, and won't wait for her. It won't wait for them.
- Respond, Ragnarok! -
Nobody would want me around anymore...
In the silence of the cockpit, Squall's breathing, and his swallowing as he probably thinks of what they should do, is deafening.
- The sorceress will be seized upon arrival. Be sure to follow the crew's instructions. -
I'm... scared, she hiccups, hating herself because she may sound so weak, now, and she doesn't want to sound weak to Squall of all people. But she can't help it, and she pulls her knees up against her chest.
- Squall, do you copy? Is the sorceress listening too? -
Fuck it, growls Squall, cutting off communication with the Airstation.
I'm scared, Squall, she cries, and suddenly she feels a movement, and he is kneeling next to her, taking her hands, and his eyes are so azure, so clear, so pure and so full of something she could dare to call love.
I don't wanna go back, she says, and her sobs are muffled against his chest, as he finally hugs her and lets her cry.
In the vast expanse of the universe, as his tense breathing doesn't hinder him from being reassuring and comforting to her, Rinoa learns what devotion is, what love is, and what desperation is.
Author's note : there is a little change in the dialogue after Squall catches Rinoa in space: in English, it's Rinoa: "Are we gonna make it?" - Squall: "Don't worry." I like more the Italian one though: Rinoa says "are we gonna make it?" ( ci salveremo? in Italian) and Squall replies "I'll save you" ( ti salverò in Italian) which underlines how focused he is on her. And I thought it was a nice touch, and used it.
In the next chapter, Rinoa will discover how rewarding taming a lion can be.
Now that you got the spoiler first, don't forget to point out mistakes, since Grammarly mocks me, apparently.