AN: Wow, three Cyber Cookies being handed out! First, may I just say, I'm...sniff...I'm so proud that so many got that classic reference. Gives me hope...I'll go on Reddit later and dash it. Anywho, let's get our recipients out!
While KeybladeMasterUzumaki98 was the first to acknowledge the iconic character being referenced in the chapter, I'm sorry friend, but you didn't name the sauce.
That honor goes to Edge Wayfinder, who accurately labeled the Mel Brooks' classic Spaceballs: The Movie! Got another classic quote in there, too, so your cookie has sprinkles and a nut! ...Steve is telling me to specify the latter is of the legume variety, not the, uh, y'know, other kind.
Is that...Yes, two in a row! Damn, ghust95, you are a cultured individual. I tip my nonexistent hat to you, and hope you enjoy the horde of CCs you're collecting. (My money is on you getting the secret reference in ch 32 – it's super subtle though!)
thomaskwilson11 - Your HSDXD knowledge is noted, but you were late to that call out. HOWEVER! ...You acknowledged the iCarly meme, and I cried a little – tears of joy, I assure you. I'm so happy people remember the OG and not...that sad...sad attempt to revive something beautiful.
With that! Let's get on with it! Steve, roll the tape! ...I know it's a fucking written story, it's a figure of speech – Have you ever gotten tested? You may want to consider – because it opens up more opportunities, you idiot. ...For me, obviously, why would I care if it benefits you?
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Survivor
Three Weeks Ago...
In the heart of Greed, blazing eyes glowered out over Mint City. Ice clinked in the near empty glass of alcohol as it was swirled in a clawed grasp. Lips curled and teeth were bared. A growl shook the room, the shadows within coiled and curled around the heads and pelts of various Hellborn that were mounted on the walls.
"To think, I could be in the heart of Elysium right now..." The growl erupted into a snarl and the glass was thrown into the opposite wall. It shattered and spilled as the cause started to tear into the furniture of the trophy room. "Who does Father think he is, barring me entry because of the whims of that buffoon Lucifer?! I'm his fifth son, I need to make a fucking name for myself, dammit! It was my time for glory!"
A chair splintered into the wall next and a table followed. The furious roar that followed made the panes of glass in the window tremble, but they held strong. Once it died down, the temperamental demon stomped over to the last remaining chair and slumped into it. He rubbed his temples and growled when there was a knock at the door.
"What the fuck is it?!"
"Boss." A shark-like demon with stripes that went down its back cracked the door open. He surveyed the damage to the room and poked his head in further. "Is now a bad time?"
"Feh! The entire month is going to be a bad time." He gestured with two claws for the demon to enter and grabbed the second glass set beside a decanter of whiskey. He poured a small glass and added some ice as the demon walked over to set a file down before him, a file with a wanted poster on the front. Below the image was a number that was laughable to someone of his stature, but tempting for anyone else. "The fuck is this–?"
He did a double take as he lifted the file in his claws. In the poster plastered on the front was a young squinting canid demon that had a bruise over his swollen right eye, a few missing teeth and a middle finger raised beside the mug-shot sign that had N-A-R-U-T-O printed on it. It was old, about fifty years, maybe more, taken by someone in Sloth's pitiful police department. A not insignificant list of misdemeanors for the Ring was present beside it, all crossed off and marked as cleared. The request was for death, payment on delivery.
"...What have you brought me?"
"It just got accepted at Mammon's Mercenary Operations Requests and Profits Guild. We got a live one."
"A live what?" Emissive eyes narrowed as he set the poster and file down. "Do not play the pronoun game with me, Bruce."
"Source with the Coin-Shìthe says this one's legit. Overheard the pack leader claim he came from the era before." Bruce grinned, all teeth. "Apparently, he's something called a Djinn-Churr-Ikki. Did some searches online, it's old. It's powerful. It's–"
"A fairy tale." The higher demon scoffed. He sipped his whiskey and gestured to the stool that remained untouched. "Yes, my Father has quite the fascination with them. His grandmother was one, he claimed. Or the creature within. I don't remember the story."
"Yeah, but-but, I figured you'd be a little disappointed after you had to withdraw–Urk!"
The towering eight foot demon held the smaller fish in his claws and slammed him into the wall. The glass of alcohol he once held, fell into the chair and spilled. Another Hellshaking growl left his throat and his claws dug into the lesser demon's skin.
"Do not misunderstand, Bruce. My place was stolen, I did not withdraw!" He roared. He was no coward! He was the fifth son of Beleth! He was the Greatest Hunter in all of Hell!
"H-He took it! The spot – Your spot was opened for him!" Bruce rasped. His hands pried at the claws around his neck. "It's in the file! Everything's in the file!"
"...If you are lying to me, Bruce, I will kill you, you know this."
"Y-Yes! O-Of course!"
He let Bruce drop and stalked over to the file again.
"Lzebub...He's of the House of Sin?" Fanged teeth were exposed as he grinned. He looked back at Bruce, who hacked and coughed on the ground. "Bruce, you've made me very happy. Very, very happy."
Today.
He'd kept eyes on the Prey since it was brought to his attention. It was skilled, yes. It could be called talented, sure. Something no one that watched the Elysium Fights talked about was how it was very, very arrogant and lucky. The last fight he saw before the Elysium Fights were postponed was dubious; the questionable timing of the blackout and the sudden advantageous turnaround...Either the matches were being fixed in the Prey's favor, or something was interfering on its behalf.
The unknown variable was as exciting as it was unnerving.
He'd thought it'd be hard to get to the Prey because of it, but it was surprisingly easy to track it through the Voxtagram account...Especially after the sex stream was leaked. It was ballsy to post that tryst to the world, but that worked in his favor. When it happened, he had one of his contacts hack into the phone and install a tracing application. Nothing that would be flagged and notify anyone important, something more like a child's tracker.
The sex stream, while amusing to watch, also told him a lot about his Prey. It was heterosexual in nature – as research into its past had suggested – and surprisingly new to intimacy. There was slight hesitance in each movement on both ends, a young coupling? Yes, it seemed infantile in nature and practice. The Prey would be easily distracted if its mate was targeted alongside it Normally, he'd hold himself above such low tactics, but this was a House Demon he was after.
The angrier it became, the more unfocused it was, the easier The Prey would fall.
When he got the alert of them entering the Greed Ring, he sent a few scouts out. The final kill would be his, but it was foolish to not use his entire wealth of resources in this Hunt. The scouts reported in just an hour ago and he knew the Ring that they were in like he knew the back of his hand.
He prepared accordingly and kept the scouts out to keep eyes on The Prey. A tower near the center of the shopping district was reserved with but a use of his family seal. His most trusted men took up residence in the penthouse while he descended several floors to an empty room. At the window, the silver case he carried was set in front of him and opened.
Carmine-Crafted in an amazing script gleamed up at him and he ran his hand along the barrel of the weapon.
"Crown Prince Sergius of the House of Beleth, first to kill a House Demon of Sin...Yes." He grinned and his tail flicked around behind him as he settled into his perch. Emissive eyes peered through the scope and sought out the orange canid. He smirked as he found the Prey, it and its mate in the midst of an argument. "With this act, I will never be forgotten...And I will prove to Father my worth."
"That wasn't half bad."
"Mm, yeah. Gonna have to learn how to grill Stags like that." Naruto licked his chops and rumbled as he put his arm over Loona's shoulder. "So, still another hour to go before we go back to more torture, what do you want to do next?"
As they walked away from the reasonably priced – for Greed, anyway – food cart selling some delicious and surprisingly legitimate Grey Stag Kabobs that the two of them had settled on for lunch, his right ear kept flicking behind him. Loona didn't seem to notice, so Naruto really tried to ignore it. Really, he did. That itch in the back of his head. The feeling of eyes on him that watched him like he was a bomb about to go off. It might have been literal millennia, an entire fucking lifetime, since he had to deal with those eyes, but he would never forget them.
On top of those eyes, he heard the shift of gravel as hooves and feet padded along sidewalks and rooftops. The faint buzz of a radio comm tickled the receptors in his muzzle. One might think that someone wouldn't be able to hear such things in the crowded shopping center of Greed, and normally, they would be right.
Naruto Uzumaki lived, breathed and died wanting to be Hokage – the leader of a village of shinobi – a dream so strong, so desired, the shadow of it carried over with the few precious memories he retained as Naru-Lzebub. He kept with his training as best as he could when he was younger, and even when Bee would restrict his hours training, he would find ways around it. The most recent example of this would be the past month spent in a literal fighting Pit, where fights to the death awaited around every corner. Elysium was not meant for the weak-willed.
You didn't win a fight in Elysium: You survived.
Since his childhood the first time around, Naruto was a survivor. His body may have changed and his morals might be a bit looser, but he would always be a survivor. He was awesome like that, and he proved it time and time again when it was him against the world. Even when he was growing up in Gluttony – whenever he was awake to do so – he'd proved it.
Right now, as he kept an arm over his girlfriend's shoulders, he hated it. Being measured at the tailor's was akin to torture; a stranger's hands so close to his vital points, wrapping a line around his neck. The paranoia that kept him alive in the last few days of his time in Elysium had him on a hair trigger. He still wasn't exactly sure how he lived against Volos; that motherfucker had size and speed on Naruto's restricted form, but if the Foxfiend had access to his clones or, shit, his magic, it wouldn't have been as close.
"We could go get some stuff for our stay in Envy and Sloth." Loona hummed. Her tail flirted with his just briefly before she pulled her phone out. "Might just be better to get stuff there."
"Might be right." Naruto hummed. A gleam caught his eye from a window of a nearby tower.
Just some desperate paparazzi, he tried to convince himself. Granted, not as obnoxious as his last interaction with them in Lust, but then nothing was ever as obnoxious to him as things in Lust were. He looked back down at Loona as she scrolled through various ratings for some of the shops in Greed.
"I guess then the question is do you want to shop for winter clothes or swimsuits."
"Hm, watch my cute and sexy girlfriend model layers of winter clothes I would want to peel away or swimsuits that I would want to tear off? Tough choice." He rumbled into her ear. He enjoyed the delicious Vibes of 'Amusement', 'Excitement', her sweet-and-sour version of 'Lust' and the so lovely Familiar But Not Vibe that grew thicker as he teased her, and gave her notched ear a quick lick that got him a gentle elbow.
"Try to keep it in your pants."
"Oh, sorry. It's just so hard, y'know, because I'm the one that always tries to take them off." He snorted. Huh, that growl wasn't playful, and her Vibes became filled with sour 'Embarrassment', spicy 'Anger' and bitter... 'Sorrow'? Was that a sore spot? He tightened his arm around her, smile dimming. "Loon, you know I don't really care about that, right?"
"Yeah, you've made it perfectly fucking clear."
Well, shit. He fucked up. What did he say?
"Loona, hold on–"
"Let's just get to the next fucking store."
"No, what did I say?"
"It doesn't matter–"
"It does matter." He stopped them and turned her towards him so they could lock eyes. Fuck the other people on the sidewalk. He looked between the left and right crimson gaze that was locked on him. "I said something as a joke that hurt your feelings. What was it, the pants thing?"
"Hurt my f–? Alright, new fucking rule!" She jerked out of his grasp and pointed at him with a snarl. "Don't pull that Vibe crap on me!"
"Vibe c–Hold on." He frowned at her. "When did you learn about our Vibe–?"
CRACK
Screams echoed, but half of it was muted. Also, sudden pain. Flaring pain, even. Burning pain. Huh, what's up with that?
"Shit!" Naruto roared as he cupped his claws over his left ear. Splattered on the ground was a patch of blood and one of the two studs that were just put in his ear earlier, along with a good chunk of his upper ear. He pressed his hand to the wound, snarled and glared up at the towers around him. The window that gleamed before gleamed again and he grabbed his girlfriend's wrist and pulled her with him into a run. "C'mon!"
"Don't just gra–!"
CRACK
There was a decent crater in the sidewalk where she had stood just before he pulled her out of the way. They shared another look with one another and then hightailed it up the street away from the gunshots. Shit, for all the towers and buildings in its shopping center, Greed didn't have any decent cover! Where the fuck were the alleyways and dumpsters when you needed them? It just had to have a massive fucking department store every ten fucking feet, didn't it?
CRACK CRACK CRACK
"This is fucking ridiculous!" Loona snarled as they avoided the series of shots that officially cleared the street.
"You're telling me!" Naruto touched at his ear and winced. Nope, still regenerating, and slowly at that. Fuck. He glanced at his girlfriend. "So, who did you piss off lately?"
"Are you serious–?!"
"It's called a joke, Loon." He rolled his eyes and his ears perked up as they neared the corner. "C'mon, around the bend!"
They rounded the corner and stopped. Not seriously winded, but slowing heart-rates after getting shot at was no easy feat.
CRACK CRACK
A good chunk of the corner of the building got blown away and they ducked instinctively. Naruto narrowed his eyes and went up to the damaged portion of the building they used as cover. He kept his back pressed to it and dug around in his pocket.
"All the fucking times to forget my stash of kniv–This'll do." He used his phone screen as a mirror and scowled at the glare. "C'mon, seriously?"
CRACK
If he'd been any slower in pulling his hand back, his phone, and likely his hand, would be gone.
"Any luck?" Loona asked as she knelt by him. She inched closer to put a hand on his arm and sniffed at his ear. He growled before he put a clamp on it.
"Sorry." He folded the injured appendage away from her and glared down at his phone. "No, fucking glare is too strong."
"...I've got an idea." She pulled her phone out and opened her contacts. He arched a brow at her when he saw his contact name get selected.
"My Doof'?" The sidelong glare he got for the question was accompanied by a challenging growl.
"You're a doof and you are mine."
"Ouch, but fair." All he put for hers was 'Loon'. Original? Not really, but it was easy to keep things organized. His phone rang with a haunting bird call that made his girlfriend arch a brow back at him. He grinned and wobbled the claw holding his phone. "It's a Loon's call."
"...A doof." She reiterated around a smirk before she initiated a face-time call. "Now answer the facetime and hold your phone up to expose the camera."
"So bossy." He stuck his tongue out at her, but did as she said all the same. He looked through her phone's screen and maneuvered his phone so that they could see over the wall. Her fingers pinched the screen a few times before her claw tapped on the building the gleam had been in.
"There." She frowned. "I can't tell what type of rifle they're using."
"It's Carmine-Crafted," he deadpanned. She looked at him and he pointed at his ear. "This should be back by now. It's Carmine."
"Fucking terrific, Angelic weaponry." She huffed and squinted. "Your phone's not capable of zooming in further is it? Maybe we can get a picture to somebody? Get some backup."
"A picture?"
"I'll take a screenshot, Doof."
"Excuse me for being technologically illiterate." He huffed. He could make calls, text, search the web, and take photos, what more did she want? Regardless, he pinched at his screen carefully.
CRACK
"Shit!" He scowled as the portion of his phone that wasn't reduced to scrap flew out of his hand to the street. "Sonova–I had two payments left on that thing. Lousy, cheating ass, motherfucker!"
"Would you relax? It's just a phone." His girlfriend said as she pocketed hers.
"You wanna lend me yours?" He asked flatly. She narrowed her eyes and he nodded. "My point exactly. Alright, guess I'm going back to old school tactics with this one. Boy, don't I wish I could just be in three thousand places at once."
"...Don't you mean two?"
"No." He chuckled as he stood up and rolled his neck. It's been a minute since he's made this many at a moment's notice. First, he had to confirm the target's location. He held his hand up to Loona as he walked out to the street. The look she gave him was not an amused one and he grinned at her. This should work. He just needed–Perfect, there was a decently sized pack of lumber in the store. He held his hands up as he walked out to the street. A gust blew through Greed.
"Alright!" he called out to the sniper; not that they would hear him, but on the off chance they did somehow, he might as well give them a show. "Your shot's really good! Super impressive! I'll give up! You can stop wasting bullets and we can talk this out over a nice hot cup of ramen!"
Her boyfriend just got upgraded from Doof to Suicidal Dumbass. Loona felt her tail lash about behind her in irritation as he walked out to the street and held a hand up to her – right, because she was planning to run out there and sacrifice herself for him? Fuck that! – to keep her back. Which she did, not because he told her, but because she had a fucking brain!
"You fucking idiot, what are you doing?" She growled lowly. He should hear he – Right, he was missing part of his fucking ear. She made to shout at him – her voice was going to be so fucking sore after she was done telling him off for his stupidity; and then they could get back to talking about how fucking irritating it was for him to tell her what her emotions were without her permission – when he shouted to the streets.
"Alright!" He said, hands up – did he think this was a situation where he could surrender?! – as he stood in the fucking open. She was going to watch her boyfriend die. Yep, that's exactly what was happening right now. "Your shot's really good! Super impressive! I'll give up! You can stop wasting bullets and we can talk this out over a nice hot cup of ramen!"
He's dead. Just, flat out dead. He's so fucking dead. He won't be able to Boop her ever again. Or fuck her. Or kiss her. Or hold her. Or carry her home from the hospital. Or fix her adoptive dad's stupid apartment. ...The last thing she did before this started was yell at him. All she seemed to do was yell at him and he still stuck around. Made her feel like she wasn't some bitch from the slums of Pride. Like she actually mattered, like she could have an opinion.
Why was she thinking about this right now? ...Right, he was straight up about to die. And she wouldn't have that, any of that, anymore. The thought made something plummet inside and her blood ran cold. A month was agony...the rest of her life? Without Boops? Without Violets and Almost Coconuts? Without Naruto?
Shit. Loona realized just then. I really, actually love this idiot.
That's when she found her voice again.
"Naruto, what the fuck are you do–?!"
CRACK
Her breath hitched as his chest jerked back and blood splattered on the street and a log landed on the ground...what? The corpse of her boyfriend went up in a cloud of smoke. An obliterated pile of lumber clattered onto the street.
"I'm killing him." She deadpanned as she slumped against the wall they'd used as cover. She covered her face with a hand and growled into it. "I'm killing him. I'm fucking killing him."
"Uh, please don't? I like life." Loona whirled around, teeth bared and claws swung. They were caught at the wrist and the soon-to-be-dead idiot that was her boyfriend grinned at her. She quickly sniffed him, nothing artificial, so it wasn't a clone. "Hey, so, we need to go."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"A lot." ...At least he wasn't completely oblivious. He held up a phone that was wrapped in several protective locks – did he steal that from a display? When? How? – and his smile fell. "Seriously, Loon, we need to go. Right now."
"What–?"
"""""DATTEBAYO, MOTHER-FUCKER!"""""
The battlecry was echoed in droves as a horde of clones spilled out of the store they were hiding behind. Hundreds, if not thousands of clones. Loona had to take that all in, then looked back at her boyfriend – who's quality of life was steadily increasing the longer he remained quiet – as he released her wrist. He used the chaos of the emerged horde as cover while he scampered over to his phone's remains. Loona looked back to the horde of clones and watched the sniper...panic?
CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK … CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK
Yeah, judging by the scattered and rapid shots, she was pretty sure that they were panicking.
"Please, please, please–Yes!" Naruto laughed triumphantly as he pulled out his ruined phone's SIM card. Then, he stuffed the ruined phone in his mouth and swallowed it. ...Right, her boyfriend was the Duke of Gluttony. She was in love with the Duke of Gluttony.
...Fuck, I am in love with him. Loona huffed and pushed herself up from the ground. She walked over to watch him as he struggled with the security lock on the phone he stole. She rolled her eyes and tapped his arm.
"Yesh?" He asked, looking at her as he tugged on a string of the security line with his mouth. He growled and shook his head, unable to tear it. "Fuck ish this shit made of?"
"Babe, drop it." Loona sighed as she held her hand out. He blinked and let the wire snap back into place before he handed her the phone. She flexed her claws and swiped them through the centerpiece. The rest of the lock fell away and she held the phone back out.
"Thanks, Loon." When he reached for the phone, she pulled it back and leveled him with a glare. His ears folded back and his tail curled at his leg. Oh, sure, walk out into a fucking street with an assassin shooting a fucking cannon at him and he's fine, but if he gets glared at by his girlfriend he becomes a scared little bitch?
...It's wrong that she feels so empowered by that, isn't it? ...Yeah, Loona thought so, too. Ah well, despite that, she had to lay down the law. Such a fucking pain in the ass.
"You are in so much fucking trouble." She growled at him. She jabbed him in the chest with the recently acquired phone. "If we're ever in a life or death situation like this one and you have a plan, you fucking share it with me! I'm not a fucking mind reader or Vibe sniffer or–!"
"We don't sniff Vibes."
"Because it fucking matters?!" Loona snapped and he flinched back. She shoved the phone into his chest and let him fumble to catch it. Once he did, she grabbed his face and pulled him in close. "This doesn't fucking happen again, got it?!"
"I'll–"
"Doesn't. Fucking. Happen. Again."
"Never again." He nodded.
"Good." She huffed. She pushed her nose to his and took a deep breath as they Booped. It lacked the usual euphoric rush, but she blamed that on the adrenaline that was making her heart race. After a minute, it wore off and the reality of what she experienced when he walked out into the street sank in. She held him in place for another minute as she repeated a simple mantra: He's here, he's fine. He's here, he's fine. He's here, he's fine. He's here, he's fine. He's here, he's fine.
"Um, Loon?"
"'Nother minute." She growled.
"We really have to go."
"A minute."
"Loona, I just stole a phone in Greed. We have to go."
Oh, what's the worst that will come of that? Jail time? ...While Lucifer needs him...Which means he might be taken away from her much longer if he's caught...Fuck, he really had to be so fucking logical right now, didn't he?
"You're still in fucking trouble." She grumbled as she released his face. Her hand snagged his arm and she pulled him toward the RTS while he struggled to put his freshly acquired phone together. They were going to leave the Ring before he got arrested for something so fucking trivial.
An hour passed before the horde was gone, a good thousand that remained from the initial attack on his base of operations vanished simultaneously in clouds of smoke. The streets were full in record time, partially because Mammon arrived at the scene and threw a shit-fit over a stolen phone from one of his knock-off stores. Greed's inhabitants loved their Sin, after all, he made them rich.
"Boss?" Bruce walked into the bullet riddled room that Sergius was holed up in.
"They broke it." Sergius chuckled as he tossed the ruined remains of his Carmine-Crafted Rifle down to the ground. Around him was a pool of empty high-caliber shells. "All of this carnage, this chaos, and they vanished once they broke the rifle! ...I only managed to get two in my claws, and they died too easily!"
"...Are we continuing the Hunt?"
"Are we continu–Is that a fucking serious question you just asked me?" Sergius snarled. He turned to the lesser demon and stalked forward. He pushed his claws to his chest. "I am Prince Sergius, the fifth son of Beleth! The Greatest Hunter in all of Hell! My Prey is not dead! And you think I would...I would entertain abandoning this Hunt?"
"N-No, Boss."
"Good." Sergius gave his underling a cruel smile before he drove his fist into the lesser demon's gut. He sneered down at the hacking fish. "Then you're not as fucking stupid as you look. ...Get the fuck back on your feet, get everyone packed and get the fucking trackers back online! It has six other Rings to hide in and I want the one that it chose found!"
"Y-Yes. Yes, Boss."
Sergius snarled at the shark's stumbled flee before he glared out the window at Greed.
"You got lucky, Prey."
AN: Gotta love a good predator villain, right? ...Mini-villain. It's a mini-arc within an arc! Who doesn't love those?!
Answer: Anyone riddled with as much ADHD as I've got!
What? ...That's not oversharing, Steve. Over half the fucking creators on the internet have ADHD. ...No, I don't know the actual statistics, but that's what it fucking feels like – Why am I arguing with you? I'm in charge here! This is the end of the chapter! Fucking deal with it!
Remember, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction!