AN: I've been wanting to do something completely different for too long now. And now not only am I getting the chance to write something other than Steven Universe or Gravity Falls crossovers, this is going to be my first M-rated story too. That's right, I present to you all the best crossover you've never heard of between the 2003 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Helluva Boss! With some Hazbin Hotel thrown in as the story goes on. I literally came up with this idea one day after Helluva Boss season 2 began while I started binging the 2003 Turtles on Paramount Plus, and it just stuck with me for a while after that. I'm not sure how I can make this work, but I made crossing Gravity Falls with both FLCL and Soul Eater work, so I don't see why not. But before we start, let's have a little disclaimer first.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CROSSOVER CONTAINS LANGUAGE AND VIOLENCE NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS. IF YOU ARE UNDER LEGAL DRINKING AGE IN WHEREVER YOU LIVE IN, PLEASE KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF BECAUSE THIS STORY CLEARLY ISN'T FOR YOU. IF YOU INSIST ON STICKING AROUND, DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU, BUT I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T.
Shelluva Boss
Chapter 1: Hell in a Shell
New York City. The city of lights, the city that never sleeps, a shining beacon of hope, freedom, and new possibilities! And as of tonight, the site of quite possibly the most violent gang battle the city's criminal element has ever seen. In a desolate warehouse in New York Harbor, one could hear gunshots, screaming, and blood being spilled as the building got a new makeover. Decorating the warehouse were the remains of several unfortunate Purple Dragon thugs who almost escaped with their lives from the strange intruders they had just captured. And now, those intruders were in for the fight of their lives.
These intruders consisted of three imps and a tall female hellhound facing off against four human-sized turtles, each anthropomorphic reptile wearing individually colored bandanas on their heads and carrying specialized weapons. The turtle clad in a blue mask and carrying a pair of katanas stood resolute against their opponents, carefully analyzing the situation before them. By his side, the red-garbed turtle pulled a pair of sai from his belt and held them in his three-fingered hands like claws while glaring at the hound with a smirk, ready for a fight. Next to him was another turtle dressed in a purple mask and armed with a bo staff who was scratching his chin, deep in thought about the demonic presence before them. And in the back, the turtle wearing orange had a cheerful smile on his face while playing with his nunchucks.
On the other side of the building, the imps' leader, a red-skinned fellow with yellow eyes, splotches of white on his body, black and white horns, a collared slate-gray coat, black boots, and elbow-length fingerless gloves, pointed his revolver at the turtles, gritting his yellow teeth as he believes the imps have found their target. Next to him, a smaller imp with similar horns and eyes, white hair, freckles on his face, a navy black coat with black pants and a white shirt underneath, and a large red bowtie nervously stood by his boss's side as he muttered "Oh, crumbs." under his breath. Standing next to the sheepish imp, a female imp around his size with black hair, yellow eyes, and an all-black outfit stood ready for a fight with a cheery smile on her face. Finally, towering over the three imps was a red-eyed hellhound with white and grey fur, long silver hair swept to the side, a bushy dark grey tail with a white underside, a tattered & shoulderless grey crop top, frayed black shorts with a crescent moon design on the right side, black fingerless gloves, and thigh-high toeless stockings who was giving the red turtle a look that was both ominous and wordlessly saying how she didn't want to be here right now.
"Ready to make the first move, demon?" the leader of the turtles asked.
"Tonight, I dine on turtle soup." The tall imp replied while licking his lips. "Alright, imps, let's fuck their shit up!" He then fired a bullet from his golden gun at the turtles, but the sword-wielding turtle deflected the shot with his blades and charged forward with the skill of a ninja.
"OK, bros, try not to let your guard down!" the blue turtle said to his brothers as the four ninja turtles raced into battle.
"COWABUNGA!" the orange turtle cried joyfully as he was pitted against the female imp.
"Heh, cowabunga? What is this, the nineties?" the little lady chuckled in a Southern accent while blocking the turtles' nunchucks with a knife.
"OK fido, come and get some!" the red turtle snarled while beginning an impromptu wrestling match with the hound girl.
"Who are you calling fido, bitch!?" the hellhound said as she tried to take a bite out of her opponent.
"You know, in any other circumstance, we could've been friends." The imp in the bowtie said to the purple turtle while firing his gun at the turtle's bo staff. "But unfortunately, someone hired us to kill you guys."
"Sorry, but anyone who gets hired to kill me and my brothers is no friend of mine." The bo-staff wielding turtle replied harshly before beating his opponent over the head.
"So here we are, a motley crew of assassins for hire up against four postpubescent, humanoid shinobi reptiles after some weird squid man covered in knives hired us to kill his enemies." The leader of the imps monologued as he went up against the blue turtle. "At first, I thought we were up against some rival ninja clan, so color me surprised when we entered the living world only to face off against these shellheads! How did it come to this, you may ask?" The leader imp fired another bullet at the turtle, which he quickly cut in half with his sword. "Let me tell you a story."
When it comes to Hell, it is often said, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." about how sinners are destined for an eternity of suffering once they arrive upon their death. However, most may not know that it bears a strange resemblance to an average city on Earth, albeit one where crime and violence are the norm due to almost all of its inhabitants being condemned to the Pride Ring for their sins. And one sinner, in particular, had very big plans for Hell.
In Imp City, a humanoid figure clad in a metallic suit of armor covered in blades stood before a nearly condemned office building with a pair of black and white striped horns attached to its sides. Nearby was a billboard advertising the company written with almost comedically poor grammar, but that was enough for this man to know that he had come to the right place.
"Assassins for hire, hm?" the man in the suit muttered in bemusement as he began marching up the building's stairs. "Perhaps they shall be just what I need to terminate those Turtles once and for all." Soon, he reached the seventh floor, where he discovered a door reading "IMP HEADQUARTERS" on it. "I am here." He pushed open the door to enter the waiting room, where a female hellhound was spending more time talking on her phone at the desk than doing her job.
"I don't know, man. Maybe there is a good-minton." The hellhound spoke on the phone to her friend. The armored man then cleared his throat to catch her attention. "Talk to you later, Tex. Got a client. Have fun with your new gig!" Putting down her phone, the hellhound turned to speak with the man in the suit. "Welcome to Immediate Murder Professionals, my name is Loona." She greeted unenthusiastically. "How can I help you today?"
"Greetings, Miss Loona. I would like to speak with your boss about some potential targets." The man ominously replied, glaring at Loona with red eyes while folding his arms as a show of superiority to the hellhound, who was left undeterred. "Is he in the office today?"
"Yes, he's just wrapping up a business meeting right now; I'll go get him." Loona said as she got up and walked towards a door the man assumed belonged to her boss. When Loona opened it, she was greeted by the sight of her boss moaning as he pleasured himself with figurines of two of his employees. "Hey Blitzo, we got a customer!"
"GODDAMMIT LOONIE, KNOCK ON MY DOOR!" the imp that the man assumed to be Blitzo screamed like a little girl in embarrassment while hurriedly cleaning himself up. "KNOCK NEXT TIME!"
"Dammit, Blitzo, I'm saying we just got a client!" Loona facepalmed in annoyance while the armored man loomed behind her, glaring at Blitzo.
"Did either of you see anything?" Blitzo asked.
"No, we did not see you jerking yourself off with figurines of Moxxie and Millie while imagining being in a threesome with them." Loona bluntly replied.
"GOOD!" Blitzo said before turning to the client. "Oh, kinda forgot about you! Come on in!" he greeted the armored man like nothing had happened while leading the new client into his office. "Welcome to the Immediate Murder Professionals! Name's Blitzo, the O is silent. Have a seat, let's talk!"
"Is this behavior normal in your workplace, Mr. Blitzo?" the man asked while removing his helmet to reveal that his head was red with spikes on the top, blue eyes with red pupils, and a purple marking over his left eye.
"You should see what we do for Casual Fridays." Blitzo chuckled in response. "Anyways, big guy? Who do we have to kill, some shithead who made fun of your Darth Vader cosplay?"
"Quite the sense of humor you have, my friend." The man gave Blitzo a smirk. "You see, before I was wrongfully banished here, I was a humble man who had seen enough of the world and beyond to expect the extraordinary. And trust me when I say that Hell has truly been extraordinary so far, but as I said, I did not deserve to come here. I was condemned to spend the rest of eternity in this cesspool of villainy by a malevolent force of ninja that I have worked tirelessly to defend the world from."
Although deep down, there was something in Blitzo that tried telling him his new client was full of shit; he seemed awfully charismatic too. "This is a corrupt and evil force that is out there right now in the living world, working its insidious tentacles into every aspect of humanity. They are an organization devoted to obtaining power through crime and corruption on a global level." The client continued. "Unfortunately for them, I was the only one who dared stand against them as my master and his master did before me. Although it was my destiny to save the human race and lead them into a new era, I was robbed of my victory in the end. If you and your associates can find it in your hearts to stand with me, you will be given everything you could ever want."
"You know, mister, the funny thing is that I know you're playing me, but hot damn, that is just too tempting to pass up!" Blitzo declared and shook his new client's hand. "We'll have these guys' heads on your wall by the hour, sir! By the way, I didn't get your name."
"Please, just call me Oroku Saki." The client declared with a gentle smile. "Now, I believe this mission requires a full team to eliminate my enemies and all who associate with them. Where are the rest of your enforcers?"
"Well, other than me, there's my daughter Loona that you're familiar with." Blitzo replied. "Plus, my two buddies, Moxxie and Millie, should be coming back from a coffee run right about now." Just then, Blitzo and Saki heard the front door open followed by a cute Southern accent talking as a pair of imps walked into the office.
"So anyways, Reg had the ball at the top of the key." Millie said to her husband Moxxie as she placed a tray of coffee cups on Loona's desk before noticing that Blitzo's door was open. "Oh hey Blitzo, got a new client?"
"Oh, you bet your ass, Millie!" Blitzo declared proudly as he emerged from his office with Saki behind him, the very sight of the armored sinner sending shivers down Moxxie's spine despite Saki's winning smile. "M&M, I'd like you to meet Oroku Saki. He's hiring us to take down his enemies or whatever."
"Um, sir, did he say anything about what these enemies looked like?" Moxxie asked his boss while taking a cup of coffee to drink. "Details like these are important when dealing with a target."
"All shall be known in due time, little imp," Saki stated. "Trust me, great things are about to happen, where you shall get everything that's coming to you."
"Ooh, that's some fancy armor you got there, Mr. Saki!" Millie excitedly interrupted the sinner to admire his clothing. "Who are you wearing? I gotta know where I can get some badass threads like that!"
"I have actually obtained this armor from Earth, New York City specifically." Saki replied. "There, you shall find my enemies roaming the streets at night, enforcing their twisted justice on the innocent."
"Yeah, all I needed to hear." Loona said while pulling out a navy-blue book with golden decorations that immediately caught Saki's eye as she used it to open a portal to the living world. "See you guys later."
"Oh no, you must be mistaken." Saki said while stopping the three imps from crossing over into New York. "I already informed Blitzo that this mission requires all four of you to combat these rogues, including the hellhound."
"Oh, no fucking way, sashimi-face!" Blitzo argued with Saki. "I don't normally allow my baby girl to come with us because you have no idea what kinda hormonal freaks would drool all over her!" The four assassins then dropped everything to glare disapprovingly at nothing while Saki gaped at how they were all staring at a wall before regaining his composure.
"But Blitzo, you must understand!" Saki argued back. "You would be overpowered near-instantaneously if only three of you went on this mission! You must have all hands on deck!"
"Yeah, besides, you're all pretty well-aware of how I can take care of myself." Loona agreed with Saki.
"Alright, fine, you can come with us, Loona." Blitzo said in defeat. "But who's gonna watch over the grimoire while we're gone?"
"Do not worry, imps; this grimoire shall remain in my capable hands until you return from your mission." Saki hissed while taking the book from Loona's hands and opening it to examine the spells written inside. "So many spells in this book. This could only belong to the Ars Goetia demons."
"Yeah, I have a booty call who allows me to keep it, provided I give him a little Blitzo-style lovin'," Blitzo smirked while thrusting his hips to Moxxie's disgust.
"Oh, good grief." Moxxie sighed. "Uh, Blitzo, can I talk to you for a bit before we go?"
"What is it, Mox?" Blitzo asked his employee.
"I'm not the only one who feels just a little suspicious about Mr. Saki here, right?" Moxxie replied, his eyes darting back and forth between Blitzo and Saki. "I mean, just look at the guy! His armor's covered in blades, he's got that creepy voice, and he has that weird purple scar on his face! Look at him and tell me he wouldn't seem out of place as a supervillain in a comic book, right?"
"You know, Mr. Moxxie, it's rude to talk about someone when they're right in front of you," Saki said crossly while taking his eyes off the grimoire to scold the little imp. "You should discipline your employees more, Blitzo."
"Trust me, Saki. The whole universe is out to discipline him for whatever reason every waking moment of his life." Blitzo replied before turning to the portal. "OK, gang, we're off to New York! Please hold all songs about how it's a helluva town till after we're done."
"Alright, the Big Apple!" Millie cheered as she dived into the portal between Hell and Earth.
"Finally." Loona snorted as she followed her adoptive father and fellow employees. "Thought we would never get another client again."
"Are you just disappointed that we're spending more time with our own personal demons than doing our jobs?" Moxxie asked Loona.
"Nobody asked you, shrimp!" Loona barked at Moxxie before the portal closed, leaving Saki all alone in I.M.P.'s office with the grimoire in his hands.
"Finally, Stolas's precious book is mine." Saki grinned as he heard a rattling sound, causing him to turn around and see a snake-like imp dressed as a stereotypical cowboy standing at the door. "Striker? Didn't expect you to follow me here."
"Just felt like seeing how you'd pull this job off, Shredder." Striker hissed coyly as he began to laugh while Saki left to retrieve his helmet. "Seriously, I can't believe they were dumb enough to trust you! All that bullshit about being some unsung hero who was wrongfully killed cracks me up every time!"
"I used a similar tactic years ago against a certain someone." The Shredder declared to his second in command while returning with his helmet on his head, completely hiding his face aside from his eyes turning red. "Now that we have the grimoire in our hands, let us return to Kavaxas and the other Shredders."
With a devilish smirk, Striker snapped his fingers and cued for a helicopter to burst through the ceiling and drop a ladder for the two to climb. The Shredder was only a few steps away from his ultimate revenge, and he had Blitzo and company to thank for it whether they knew it or not.
"Goddamn, you guys, we came here at the right time because this view is the shit!" Blitzo exclaimed as he, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona arrived on the rooftop of the Waldorf Astoria just as the sun was beginning to set, creating a sight for the imp to behold as he raised his hands up and yelled, "GOOD EVENING, NEW YORK!"
"Hey, fuck you!" a tenant of the famous hotel yelled at Blitzo.
"YES, YES! FUCK YOU TOO!" Blitzo replied excitedly before Moxxie slapped him across the face.
"Blitzo, we need not to make a scene here!" Moxxie urged his boss. "You remember the last few times we went to Earth, we nearly got caught!"
"Yeah, but did anyone ever try to follow up on us?" Blitzo retorted. "Please, humans are stupid. Like, I'm pretty sure those DHORKS guys are obsessing more over ancient ninja weapons than trying to investigate us now."
"As much as I hate to agree with Moxxie, he's right." Loona concurred with Moxxie while surrounding herself with a magical aura that changed her from a hellhound into a young human woman. "We gotta keep a low profile this time."
"Then I got just the thing." Blitzo replied as he unveiled three fedoras and trenchcoats from behind his back. "Still haven't cracked how to make a human disguise yet, so these will have to do."
"Where did you get these?" Moxxie asked while putting one of the trenchcoats on.
"It's a very long story." Blitzo responded.
"Neat!" Blitzo said earlier that day as he admired some trenchcoats in a shop window.
"Here's looking at you, kid!" Millie did her best Humphrey Bogart impression while hiding her horns with her fedora.
"So, all Mr. Saki said was that his enemies usually roamed the city at night." Blitzo repeated what Oroku Saki had said earlier. "Not sure how much that would help, but maybe we should keep an eye out."
"Wait, what's that over there?!" Millie cried as she grabbed Moxxie and Blitzo by the shoulders and pointed toward a group of shadowy figures meeting in an alleyway below. "That's gotta be our marks!"
"I'm not sure if that's them, but I'll take your word for it, honey," Moxxie told his wife. "Now, how are we going to get down?"
"Well, guys, better start taking the elevator." Blitzo declared. "Judging by how high up we are, we could be in for a long trip."
"About forty-seven floors, give or take." Loona said, using her enhanced senses to get a feel for how massive the Waldorf Astoria was as the Immediate Murder Professionals begrudgingly made their way to the elevator.
"I am not ready for that long a trip." Millie groaned in disappointment. "I wanna make some heads roll now!"
"In due time, sweetheart." Moxxie said as they reached the elevator and he prepared to press the button leading them to the first floor.
"Hey guys, watch this!" Blitzo chuckled before pressing every button on the elevator panel, angering his fellow assassins in the process.
"BLITZO!" Moxxie, Millie, and Loona all groaned as they realized they would be forced to stop at every single floor of the hotel.
"Come on, one of you would've probably done the same thing!" Blitzo laughed as the elevator doors closed and the long journey to the bottom floor began. "Moxxie, I'm looking in your general direction!"
"Oh, shut up." Moxxie groaned in annoyance.
Outside on the hotel roof, a shadowy figure had watched the four assassins arrive on Earth through a portal, and he was scratching his head at what he had just seen. "What the shell was that?" Raphael muttered to himself. "The boys are not going to believe what they just saw."
About an hour later, the imps and Loona were stopping on every hotel floor. By this time, the sun had fully set, and the four hitmen from Hell were halfway through their trek.
"Where are we?" Loona asked Blitzo.
"I think we're in the twenties, somewhere." Blitzo replied to his adoptive hellhound daughter.
"Well, when we get to the teens, let me know." Loona added. "I think I'm gonna throw up from boredom."
"Uh, hold that door!" a man in a suit carrying a briefcase said as the elevator reached the 22nd floor. He managed to climb on board just in time as he joined the disguised assassins in waiting for their destination in uncomfortable silence. "Uh, my name's Murphy Lawson of Eastman and Laird, Attorneys at Law. What's your name?"
"Can't say, but I'm an assassin." Blitzo replied while Moxxie and Loona silently urged him to shut his mouth. "Immediate Murder Professionals, we call ourselves."
"Assassins, you say?" Mr. Lawson asked while staring at Blitzo's tail. "Then what's with the funny-lookin' tail under your coat?"
"Don't act like you're not impressed!" Blitzo bragged before Moxxie hurriedly covered his boss's tail. "So, know any enemies that are asking to be killed?"
"How much time do you have to spare?" Murphy asked. "I got a few people who pissed me off today that I'd like to see kicked off this mortal coil. For example, this dumbass barista who got my order wrong this morning. Her name is Venus, and she works at Star-"The elevator dinged, indicating that Murphy had arrived at his destined floor. "Well, you know where to find her, right?"
"Yeah, whatever." Blitzo said as Murphy left on the 16th floor, and the others sighed in relief that they would soon be on the ground floor. "Don't worry guys, only sixteen more floors to go."
"Sixteen floors too many," Loona muttered as she pulled out her phone to look at the news. To her surprise, she had discovered a story from Channel 6 News about a crime in progress. "Guys, check this out!"
"This is Irma Langenstein reporting live as a Purple Dragons crime spree is taking place." The reporter announced on Loona's phone. "With the recent disappearance of their associate, the Shredder, the Dragons' leader, Hun, has been fighting to fill the void left by the Foot Clan's leader, similar to the massive gang war that had taken place a few years back between the Dragons, the New York mob, and the remnants of the Foot Clan."
"You think this will lead us to our targets?" Moxxie asked.
"I'm more concerned about how Loona pulled out her phone at just the right moment." Millie added.
"Ah-ha, paydirt!" Blitzo cried as the elevator finally reached the first floor. "Maybe these Dragon guys are connected to Saki's enemies! We kill those guys, and we can kill these doofuses too!"
Exiting the elevator and finally leaving the Waldorf Astoria, I.M.P. took a quick moment to marvel at the majesty of the Big Apple. "So, this is what New York is like." Millie gasped in awe. "Certainly a hell of a lot better than L.A."
"Don't remind me." Moxxie replied. "Ooh, you think we can take a trip to Broadway once we're done? I would love to see what musicals they're putting on!"
"Patience Moximillian, we're on a very important mission here, and we cannot deviate from our agenda," Blitzo stated, trying to sound smarter by using bigger words than he was used to. "OK, if we follow those Purple Rain Men, we can find these enemies and come back to Hell as millionaires!"
Suddenly, Loona heard a voice whispering for her. "Psst, hey, hot stuff, over here." A shyster called for the disguised hellhound while sitting at a cardboard box with three playing cards on it. "Got the cards, slim. Three-card monte?" Loona just flipped the con-man the bird. "Hmph, teenagers."
"Hey now, no daughter of mine would ever fall for your tricks, dumbass!" Blitzo said.
"Well, how about you, shortie?" the con man asked Blitzo. "Three-card monte?" Rather than give in to the man's games, Blitzo decided to shoot him dead, right in front of a man waiting at a bus stop who immediately began reaching for his phone.
"Uh, you did not see anything!" Blitzo tried using a Jedi mind trick to convince the man not to call the police on them, but he wasn't so easily fooled. "Look sir, I think if we all take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to- "Before Blitzo could finish, he immediately made a run for it. "FUCK!" he cursed while nearly tripping on a sidewalk crack as his employees began following. "WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"
Not too far away from the Waldorf Astoria, a green garbage truck was trundling through the New York streets in pursuit of the Purple Dragons. Usually, a garbage truck pursuing a criminal organization would seem out of the ordinary, but if one looked at who was onboard the truck, they'd realize that wouldn't be saying much.
"Purple Dragons again, eh?" Raphael said as he took the wheel and drove the truck through the city. "Haven't seen those guys since we met those cartoony versions of us. Wonder if Hun is still mutated?"
"Not sure, but green was a good color on him." Michelangelo said while sitting beside his brother in the passenger seat before turning to face Donatello and Leonardo sitting in the back. "Any updates, Don?"
"I'm picking up another police report that just showed up." Donatello said as he pressed some buttons on a console to play the report.
"All units, a murder has been reported near the Waldorf Astoria." A radio voice stated. "A con-man has been spotted being shot to death by a small man in a trenchcoat that completely obscured his identity. However, we were able to gather that the scam artist was attempting to rob a young woman associated with the murderer and two others. The woman looks to be in her late teens to early twenties with silver hair, presumably dyed, and red eyes, wearing a crop top and shorts with a crescent moon pattern on her bottom. The suspects are currently at large."
"Oh no, bro, someone got iced!" Mike exclaimed. "We gotta turn around and check it out!"
"But Mike, we can't risk losing the Purple Dragons now!" Leonardo advised his youngest brother.
"What if that lady was a Purple Dragon?" Raph suggested. "We could kill two birds with one stone here!" The other three Ninja Turtles gave Raph an odd look. "Too soon?"
"We don't know for sure whether these four are associated with the Purple Dragons, but it wouldn't hurt to investigate." Don agreed with Raph and Mikey. "Wouldn't you agree, Leo?"
"Yeah, I guess you raise a good point." Leo subscribed to his three younger brothers' plan before turning to Raphael. "Raph, turn this truck around! We gotta find those murderers!"
"Don't need to tell me twice!" the turtle in the red mask grinned as he turned on the Turtle Hauler's hover mode, and it flew off in search of the con artist's killers.
Meanwhile, the Murder Professionals had managed to get far enough away from the authorities to shed their disguises and collect themselves after fleeing such a harrowing chase. As soon as Loona changed out of her human disguise and returned to her hellhound form, she marched up to Blitzo to slap him in the face. "WHAT MADE YOU THINK SHOOTING THAT GUY IN THE FUCKING HEAD WAS A GOOD IDEA?!" she shrieked while shaking Blitzo by the shoulders.
"I didn't mean to, guys!" Blitzo whined defensively. "I just wanted to intimidate him, but my trigger finger got itchy!"
"Well, you can thank your trigger finger for making us into wanted criminals." Moxxie said while he got a turn at slapping Blitzo for his recklessness. "Now, where are we?"
"Looks like we're in a harbor." Millie observed their current surroundings as the assassins stood before a warehouse. "Seems pretty quiet right now, so this should be a chance for us to lay low until the cops give up on us."
"Yeah, more than enough time for everyone to beat the shit out of me." Blitzo commented dourly before the four heard footsteps on the horizon. "Dammit, those guys again?"
"Hey you, what are you doing here?!" a dark-skinned man with purple shades and a matching colored mohawk cried while pointing at the Professionals.
"Put your hands in the air, or we'll shoot!" the man's partner, a lighter-skinned fellow with a tuft of blonde hair on his head, added while pointing his gun at the imps, and the four intruders complied.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we do not mean any harm." Moxxie said as he tried to ease the tension. "We're simply on the hunt for enemies of a man named Oroku Saki. You wouldn't happen to know where they are, right?"
"You mean Shredder? Son of a bitch has been missing for years." The mohawked man said. "What are you, some kinda aliens?"
"We're from Hell, actually." Blitzo replied, inciting glares from his comrades. "I mean, sco bo tro no flo jo ko fo to do!"
"Wait, did he just say they're from Hell?" the blonde man wondered, turning to his companion. "Oh, the boss is gonna love what he hears from these freaks!"
"Nice going, Blitzo." Loona hissed at Blitzo. "Who knows what they're gonna do to us?"
"Sorry, it's just been a very stressful past couple of hours, and I am not in a good mood right now." Blitzo said as the two Purple Dragon goons brought the four hellborns to their knees.
"Seriously, Blitzo, you've been acting a little more dumbass than usual today." Millie pointed out. "Woke up on the wrong side of the couch this morning?"
"Like you wouldn't believe!" Blitz complained while stretching out his back. "Damn, my back hurts!"
"Don't worry, demon man, we'll take good care of you." The mohawk man sneered before knocking Blitzo out with a hard pistol whip to his head.
"MOTHERFU-" Moxxie screamed as the blonde man knocked him out as well.
"Moxxie!" Millie cried for her beloved husband before being knocked unconscious as well, leaving Loona as the only one left standing.
"Shoulda known this would happen." Loona sighed in defeat before she, too, was rendered comatose, and the two thugs dragged their prizes towards the warehouse.
"Mmm, five more minutes, guys." Blitzo murmured sleepily as he slowly regained consciousness. "Man, that was one wild company sleepover we had last night."
"Finally awake, are we?" a large, muscular blonde man with a dragon tattoo on his left arm sneered as he looked over the captive imp, who was tied to a chair along with Moxxie, Millie, and Loona. "So, my associates Anton and Owen say you guys are from Hell, eh?"
"M-more or less?" Blitzo slurred before the man slapped him awake. "I-I mean, we were just on our way to the furry convention and got a little lost!"
"Sorry, Hellboy, furry convention ain't for another week." The man continued. "Name's Hun, and you, my friend, just stepped onto Purple Dragon territory. Biggest mistake of your life."
"So you must be the Purple Dragons, huh?" Moxxie asked. "Pardon me for asking, but we are assassins who came here under orders from Oroku Saki to murder his enemies. You wouldn't happen to know who they are, yes?"
"Saki?!" Hun gasped in horror. "So, the alien freak is still alive and kicking, huh? That guy's harder to squash than five superpowered cockroaches."
"Actually, he technically isn't alive because he's in Hell!" Millie cheerfully corrected Hun.
"So, what's your deal, man?" Anton, the dark-skinned man who was the first to discover I.M.P., asked. "How do you guys know Shredder?"
"He actually hired us to kill his enemies." Blitzo revealed. "You guys probably know a thing or two about our client, right?"
"Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about." Hun declared. "The guys that Shredder hired you to croak are not to be messed with! They took down criminals, alien warlords, supervillains, and even monsters from other dimensions! And they even also once got me turned into a freaky turtle man!"
"Holy shit, I'm actually starting to get excited!" Loona exclaimed with a grin. "Where can we find these guys?"
"These guys have been on our tails all night." The blonde man named Owen stated. "In fact, these so-called "enemies" have been haunting us for years now!"
"But tonight, that could change." Hun said as he untied Blitzo and offered his hand. "We can help you on your little job if you give us something in return. Like maybe your weapons, for example. I simply must learn where you get them from."
"Yo mama!" Blitzo smirked before Hun grabbed the imp by the neck with his massive hands. "Hey, no need for that kinda kinky shit, big boy."
"You're a wordy little bastard, aren't ya?" Hun asked before turning to the rest of I.M.P. "If the rest of ya want your boss to live to see another day, give us everything you got!"
"Well, if you say so." Millie shrugged. "Why don't you let me go so I can show you a magic trick first?" One of the thugs obliged and let Millie go, allowing the girl imp to walk towards a table where she pulled out her knife and balanced it on the end of its handle. "Watch me make this knife disappear!"
"You guys are gonna love this." Moxxie said. "Millie likes showing this off at parties."
"How is she even doing that?" one of the Purple Dragon crooks muttered as he walked towards the table to further inspect Millie's party trick, only for the imp to grab him by the neck and slam his head into the knife straight through his eye, causing blood to burst out of his eye socket as he fell over and died.
"TADA!" Millie exclaimed while the man lay bleeding to death. "It's gone!"
"She actually got that from a movie." Blitzo smirked at Hun, who dropped the imp from his grasp in alarm at this cute little girl's sudden brutality.
"Aw crud, you guys weren't kidding when you said you were assassins!" Hun briefly quivered in fear before immediately regaining his cool and putting up his dukes. "Well, you sons of bitches ain't takin' my head!"
"That's good. We'll take your friends' heads instead." Blitzo said before pulling out his gun and shooting Owen & Anton dead with one bullet while freeing Moxxie and Loona. "Oops, my bad!"
"Get these hellspawn!" Hun roared for his surviving Purple Dragons to attack I.M.P. The following battle raged on for the rest of the night, killing numerous Purple Dragons in the process and making Hun less and less confident that he could overpower a band of four measly assassins. However, he would soon receive help from the most unexpected of places.
Outside, the Turtle Hauler had coincidentally reached New York Harbor, where the Turtles assumed that the Purple Dragons were currently hiding tonight. "Cops said they lost that little man halfway to here." Raphael said as he landed the garbage truck on the ground and got out to investigate the situation. "Hopefully, he shouldn't be too far away."
"Hey, does anybody else hear screaming and reckless gunplay coming from that warehouse over there?" Michelangelo asked while pointing towards a nearby warehouse. "Ooh, and a lot of cursing, too. Not something you'd hear on Saturday mornings, am I right?"
"I don't think I want to know what's going on, but we should still check it out." Leonardo stated as he led the Turtles in investigating the warehouse and pushed open the door. To the heroes in a half shell's shock, horror, and disgust, the warehouse's walls were decorated with the remains of numerous Purple Dragon minions. Blood was splattered all over the inside of the building, along with some organs and a few other disgusting inner body parts that Mikey found himself stepping on. In the center, Hun and a few surviving Purple Dragons were fighting for their lives against three imps and a hellhound.
"Ew, I think I stepped on some guy's heart!" Mikey retched at the heart his foot was just over. "Is that Anton's heart? I kept hearing he's got valve disease or something like that. Poor guy's never gonna get treatment now."
"You're awfully tough for someone so little!" Hun said to the tall imp while covered in the blood of his own men and a few bullet wounds that he shrugged off.
"And you're awfully fast for a muscular shithead!" the imp retorted, causing the Turtles to gasp in shock at his foul language.
"Profanity!" Mike declared in alarm. "Haven't heard language like that since Raph stubbed his toe that one time!" Raph slapped his little brother over the head for that comment.
"What the shell are these guys?!" Don asked.
"I've seen these weirdos before while I was patrolling earlier." Raphael stated. "I saw them hiding out on the Waldorf Astoria's rooftop, putting on trenchcoats while talking about offing somebody."
"So they're assassins?" Leo replied. "But who are they planning to kill?"
Just then, an exhausted Hun turned to notice the Turtles watching the fight and gave them a smirk. "That's them!" he said, pointing at the mutant turtles. "Those are the guys you're looking for!"
"Come again?" Leonardo and Blitzo said in unison as Hun took his cue to escape while he still could.
"And did Hun get back to normal or something?" Leo added.
"Yeah, strongarmed Stockman into making some retro-mutagen for me." Hun declared mid-fight. "These demons are looking for you four."
"So wait, these are the enemies we were hired to kill?" Blitzo gasped at the sight of four turtles standing before them before he started laughing his ass off. "You have got to be fucking kidding me! They're just a bunch of goddamn turtles!"
"And you must be the guys who killed that con-man at the Waldorf Astoria!" Leonardo said while drawing his sword. "Also, Raph, you didn't tell us they were demons."
"I couldn't believe it when I saw it either, Leon." Raphael replied, folding his arms while raising an eyebrow. "Like, they look more like they got lost on their way to a furry convention."
"Oh yeah, furry joke, real original." Loona muttered disdainfully.
"OK, Battletoads or whatever the fuck you guys are, we're here on official business to bring you guys down." Blitzo declared. "If you come quietly, we promise we won't have to hurt you. But then again, we'll hurt you anyways since we're assassins and all."
"I don't care who you are or what you're doing here." Leo replied. "But you must be stopped before you hurt any more innocents, and the same goes for whoever hired you too."
And so, we return to the present day, where our story began. The Immediate Murder Professionals had finally found their target, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were ready to bring a bunch of murderers to justice for their earlier crimes. The tension in the night sky was so thick it could be good competition for a mother character in a cartoon. As the two teams of four glared at each other, the escaping Hun peeked from behind a window and gave the imps a smirk before he ran further into the night.
"Ready to make the first move, demon?" Leonardo asked.
"Tonight, I dine on turtle soup." Blitzo replied while licking his lips. "Alright, imps, let's fuck their shit up!" He then fired a bullet at the turtles, but the sword-wielding turtle deflected the shot with his blades and charged forward with the skill of a ninja.
"OK, bros, try not to let your guard down!" Leo said to his brothers as the four ninja turtles raced into battle.
"COWABUNGA!" Michelangelo cried joyfully as he was pitted against Millie.
"Heh, cowabunga? What is this, the nineties?" Millie chuckled while blocking Mikey's nunchucks with a knife.
"OK fido, come and get some!" Raph snarled while beginning an impromptu wrestling match with Loona.
"Who are you calling fido, bitch!?" Loona said as she tried to take a bite out of her opponent.
"You know, in any other circumstance, we could've been friends." Moxxie said to Donatello while firing his gun at the turtle's bo staff. "But unfortunately, someone hired us to kill you guys."
"Sorry, but anyone who gets hired to kill me and my brothers is no friend of mine." Donnie replied harshly before beating his opponent over the head.
"Tell us, who hired you to kill us?!" Leonardo said as Blitzo fired another bullet from his golden gun that Leo cut in half with his katana.
"Oh yeah, he really has a beef with you guys!" Blitzo replied while narrowly dodging Leo's sword swings. "Said he was only defending the world from some kinda corrupt and evil force that you four were the heads of before you guys killed him."
"Corrupt and evil force?" Leo muttered to himself as he tried to remember where he heard those words to describe someone before while Blitzo prepared to fire another shot from his gun. Although Leo had managed to dodge in time, the bullet created a slight nick in his shell, where he was once scarred from an epic battle with the Shredder. The scar took a long time to heal, but feeling pain like that made it flare up again, distracting Leonardo from seeing Blitzo hit him in the head with his gun.
Meanwhile, the other Turtles were faring better than their leader against the demonic assassins. Compared to Loona and Raphael's violent tussle and the polite conversation Michelangelo was having with Millie, Donatello took a more calculated approach to his fight with Moxxie, trying to find any possible weaknesses while dodging gunfire from the little imp with his bo.
"Hm, I wonder what happens when I pull on his tail?" Donnie contemplated before he tugged at Moxxie's tail, causing the imp to yelp in pain. "Ah-ha, a weakpoint!"
"Hands to yourself, prick!" Moxxie yelled angrily while nursing his tail.
"I was only analyzing possible weak spots to exploit." Donnie replied. "And it seems your tail might be one of them."
"Well, good for you." Moxxie realized before tucking his tail away to keep Donatello from touching it any further.
As for Raphael, his battle with Loona seemed more like a high-stakes wrestling match as the two short-tempered brawlers used every lowbrow dirty trick they could think of to gain an advantage against each other. "Looks like someone hasn't had their rabies shot yet!" Raph smirked as he had Loona pinned against the wall with his sai. "You've been a naughty girl, mutt!"
"I did have my shots, shellhead!" Loona replied before giving Raphael a powerful headbutt, pouncing on the turtle and clawing his face. "Take this!"
"How about some of this?!" Raph yelled back before grabbing Loona by her wide hips, standing up, and spinning her over his head before slamming her into the ground with a piledriver. "Bet they never taught you that at the pound!" Angered by Raphael's cocky remark, Loona decided to go for a low blow to his groin. "Damn!"
"Don't go there if you want your manhood intact, bitch." Loona said menacingly while growling at the turtle like an angry dog.
"OK, now you're asking for it," Raphael said while grinding his sai together and charging at Loona again.
Finally, there was Michelangelo and Millie. Unlike the other three members of both teams, the two were having a friendly conversation in the middle of their fight, almost like they were becoming friends in the process.
"So, are you guys like big turtle men who walk and talk like humans or hideously deformed humans who look like turtles?" Mille asked Mikey while trying to jab at him with her knife, but she kept getting blocked by his nunchucks.
"Actually, we're mutants!" Michelangelo explained. "We were once normal pet store turtles that got covered in alien ooze that turned us into the world's most fearsome fighting team! Same happened to our master, who was once a normal rat who was covered in the ooze too and taught us ninjitsu!"
"I can see he trained you well." Millie complimented Mikey's unpredictability. "Time to bring out the big guns!" She then switched her knife for a massive battle axe, making the orange turtle gasp at the size of the axe compared to how tiny its wielder was.
"Whoa, your axe is huge!" Mike exclaimed in amazement. "But you're so tiny! How do you carry it around?!"
"Lotta strength training workouts and growing up on a farm." Millie explained. "Weightlifting, boxing, squats. Girl like me's gotta stay strong in the assassination business!" She flexed a bicep to demonstrate, making Michelangelo whistle in amusement while Moxxie sighed lovingly at his strong wife, keeping him distracted enough for Donatello to knock him out with his staff.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Come and show me how strong you are!" Mikey challenged the little imp woman, making Millie's eyes glow red with excitement as she charged at the bigger turtle with her axe at the ready.
Back to Blitzo, he concluded that although he and his team were very resourceful and skilled at what they did, it looked like these turtles had been trained to be such competent fighters since birth. Meanwhile, Leonardo analyzed that compared to the years of training he and his brothers took under their master and father Splinter, this imp and his companions preferred to wing it in combat. The two leaders needed to find some way to take advantage of each other to score a win, but what?
"Hey, imp. I hope you don't mind a little smoke in your eyes." Leo said while throwing a smoke bomb to the ground, temporarily blinding Blitzo as he saw nothing but white smoke for miles.
"Dammit, I can barely see a thing!" Blitzo complained as he flailed his arms around, unaware that Leo had taken him by surprise by shooting a blow dart into his neck with a fukiya. Blitzo then plucked the blow dart out as he began to lose consciousness yet again. "What do you think I am, a fucking dartboard?" he slurred before falling down on the ground, perfectly knocked out.
"Blitzo!" Moxxie, Millie, and Loona yelled, rushing to their boss's side and conveniently getting them all together in one place, just what Leo wanted.
"You guys fell right into our trap." Leonardo grinned before turning to Michelangelo. "Quick, Mikey, the exploding throwing star!"
"OK, I guess!" Michelangelo obliged to whatever plan his eldest brother had concocted before pulling out a beeping shuriken to toss at the remaining three Professionals, with Moxxie being the first to catch it.
"Why is this shuriken beeping?" Moxxie wondered, holding the shuriken in his hands while Loona and Millie's eyes widened in shock.
"PUT THAT DOWN, SWEETIE!" Millie shrieked in a panic.
"IT'S A FUCKING BOMB!" Loona added before the shuriken detonated in the three's faces, knocking them out as well.
"Nice work, team." Leo congratulated his brothers. "Now, what should we do with these guys?"
"Whoo, go, Mikey, go, Mikey, it's your birthday!" Mike cheered for himself while doing a victory dance. "Say, Leo, how did you know how to knock these guys out?"
"I don't know. I guess I just kind of winged it." Leo replied. "So, any idea what we should do with our friends here?"
"We should probably leave 'em to the cops." Raphael suggested. "They committed a lot of murder tonight."
"Actually, I've been thinking we should take them with us to the lair for further investigation," Donatello added. "We need to know who could've hired them and where they came from."
"OK, I'll take the imp girl with me. She sounds like a lot of fun to hang with." Michelangelo said while carrying Millie under his shoulder. "Any other takers?"
"I'll take their leader here." Leonardo said as he hoisted Blitzo over his shoulder with a fireman's carry. "Raph, you carry the dog lady, and Donnie gets the other male imp."
"When we went out tonight to stop a crime spree, I did not expect to be bridal carrying this hound dog." Raphael snarked while holding the unconscious Loona in his arms.
"OK, guys, back to the Turtle Hauler before morning comes." Donatello declared, holding Moxxie in his hands as the Turtles returned to their garbage truck with their captives. But little did the four mutant heroes know that they weren't just bringing with them four strangers who were out to kill them. But they were also bringing an old enemy back for revenge.
Back in Hell, the Shredder and Striker had left I.M.P. headquarters with Stolas's stolen grimoire as their prize for deceiving the four assassins into doing Shredder's dirty work. Touching down at a skyscraper that heavily resembled the Foot's old New York headquarters, the two were greeted by a pair of sinners heavily resembling Shredder, and a dragon-like creature with his wings spread out behind them.
"Do you have the grimoire, Ch'rell?" Oroku Saki, the first man to become the Shredder whose identity the Utrom criminal Ch'rell used as a cover for his activities on Earth, asked while holding out his clawed hand.
"Indeed, Saki." Ch'rell declared while presenting the Goetia family's fabled book to his associates. "And the imp Blitzo has no idea of our true plans."
"Excellent, Shredder!" the Cyber-Shredder, a digital copy of Ch'rell's consciousness given physical form in a new body salvaged from the remains of a Robo-Fizzarolli, exclaimed cheerfully. "So then, what shall the next step be?"
"We shall bide our time until the imps and the Turtles realize our true motives and come back here to challenge us." Ch'rell stated as he gazed upon Striker and the arrival of his other generals: the cyborg jester Fizzarolli, the pop-star Verosika Mayday and her reluctant hellhouse companion Vortex, the mad scientist Sir Pentious, the dragon-like Drako, the morbidly obese criminal the Garbageman, the exiled timekeeper's apprentice Savanti Romero, and the crime lord of the Greed ring Crimson. "In the meantime, each of you has a job to do. If you perform to my expectations, I promise to give you control of a portion of Hell once I attain victory!"
"So we're just going to sit here and do nothing while letting the Turtles come to us?" the hotheaded demodragon Overlord Kavaxas complained.
"Not entirely, Kavaxas." Ch'rell answered. "We shall continue building power here in this land of damnation so that when the Turtles come searching for us, they will be completely outnumbered." He then turned around to gaze out at his army of demonic Foot ninjas, along with his former Foot Mystics, Sir Pentious's Egg Bois, the rest of Verosika's posse, a horrifying Necro Monster, and numerous other sinners and hellborn who had pledged their allegiance to the three Shredders. "This shall be the day that the Foot Clan returns! For the Shredder!"
"For the Shredder!" the members of the Neo-Foot Clan yelled in response.
"For victory!" Ch'rell continued as he raised the grimoire into the air.
"For victory!" the Neo-Foot Clan repeated.
"For the conquest of Hell itself!" the Shredder and his new Foot Clan declared, inciting cheers as the violent Utrom grinned in satisfaction. The Turtles shall soon enter a Hell like no other, and he had Blitzo to thank for it.
And so, the pieces begin to fall into place. While the Utrom Shredder is off gaining power in Hell, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have escaped death at the hands of I.M.P and are bringing them back to their lair for further interrogation. How will Blitzo and pals get back home now that they've given the grimoire to Shredder, and do they have some unexpected allies in the Turtles and their various friends? All this and more as we continue this celebration of the Turtles' fortieth anniversary, the 2003 show's twentieth anniversary, and the long-awaited debut of Hazbin Hotel. As a certain Radio Demon likes to say, stay tuned.