It's been 5 years since the worlds collided. Scout's been in prison for sexual misconduct, Soldier became a lawyer, mysterious fires have been raging across the western US, Demoman became a famous gimmick musician known for drinking 5lbs of alcohol while playing Beethoven's 5th, Heavy has been having troubles with the Russian government for illegally building weapons, Engineer settled in Bee Cave and seems to have adapted to the new technology well enough, The Sniper had drowned at the bottom of the sea, and Medic has committed several crimes against both human and natural law for the sake of science.

The Spy looksat the board of evidence he had amassed over the past year. It was a little too easy to find out what had happened to his former colleagues in the past 5 years, they were quite the characters.

Over the next week a few strange instances were found by various authorities across various countries. Jeremy Fitzgerald was broken out of prison, a Minnesotan Lawyer named Jane Doe seemingly disappeared out of nowhere right in the middle of a trial, the reoccurring wildfires strangely stopped and the deGroot trio stopped their tour. Three Russian police officers were killed in a sting operation against Mikhail Baskcon not from bullet wounds, but from stabs in the back. A top engineer at Omnica made a disappearence before a big event, a notorious human experimenter disappeared from custody, and an unregistered submarine was detected off the coast of New Zealand by the New Zealand Coast Guard.

Meanwhile, in the world of gravel pits, Ms. Pauling and Saxton Hale have been looking into the case of the mercs' disappearance. Well, it's more like Ms. Pauling was doing all the work and Saxton paying her minimum wage. Eventually, after 5 long years of looking into equations and quantum mechanics, she decided to just ask Marasmus.

It was a particularly nice day when Marasmus heard a knock at his door. He looked up from his gold-infused newspaper, confused. He didn't think his appointment with the president was today. he got up from his chair and put his mind to other matters, would he take the elevator down or would he just float? Float, he decided. Another knock came from the door, who could it be? Maybe Argentenia wanted to follow up with that weapons contract? Probably not they were a bunch of cowards anyway. He was at about the 35th floor when the knock rang out again. who could it be? Maybe it was Billy, coming back to beg for more money. Marasmus hated Billy, that little shit'd been asking for money since the day he was born. At level 12 there was another knock on the door. "I'm coming" Marasmus shouted, he looked at his Australium watch.

Ms Pauling had been waiting outside for nearly 20 minutes continuously knocking, turns out that when you've lived since the early 6,000 ADs, minutes seem more like seconds. Marasmus finally opened the door. The two stared at each other for a minute. "who are you?" Marasmus said. "Hello Marasmus," Ms. Pauling said "I'm from TF Industries, we're investigating the disappearence of some of our employees" "There are many things the Great Marasmus knows but where you're friends are he does not" "How do you know they're my friends" "That was one of the things the Great Marasmus knew" "Does the great Marasmus know that if you don't tell us where they are he can be charged for nine pre-meditated murders" Marasmus sighs "fine, come in."

Back in the land of omnicmen, the Mercs were having a reunion.

At first all the 7 of them did was stare at each other as if trying to assess if what they were seeing was real. they all looked exactly as they did when they were separated, it was uncanny how little their appearence changed after 5 years. They stayed staring at each other until they heard the door open. all of them turned to see Pyro standing in the doorway. It didn't take a second for her to run to Engineer and give him a big hug. "Wow, only you could fix satan into a dog" said Scout "Only you could make such shitty joke" said Heavy. Everyone laughed. Any tension that existed before collapsed. they were together again, as a team. "Wait, where is the Sniper?" Medic yelled. everyone turned to the Spy. "Let me show you."

The Spy leads them to a dark room with a single dangling lightbulb and the dead Sniper on a table. Medic walks to the table and puts a hand on the Sniper's head. "Look how they massacred my boy" he says. Engineer steps up "Doc, we can rebuild him. stronger than before. We have the technology" Medic smiles. His smile turns into a laugh. His laugh turns into two as Engineer joins. They maniacally laugh together. lightning flashes.

Back in the world of bonus ducks, Marasmus has told Ms Pauling the simple way in which he got rid of the mercs. "so you're telling me that to get rid of them you sent them fifteen dimensions over and a hundred years in the future?" asked Ms. Pauling "yes" said Marasmus "Can I convince you to let us go there?" "no."

0500 hours. The Zoo.

There is a brick wall. There won't be soon.

It's blown apart by the might of Texan-American rocket power. the rubble settles and a truck driven by Dell Notrattigan Conagher drives through the dust. Soldier rocket jumps onto the top of the truck, rustling the feathers of the monkeys inside. "Shut up hippie-birds!" He says "Don't make me come down there!" Soldier looks back and sees the rest of the trucks following the second driven by Spy with Scout beside him and the third has Medic and Pyro. when they get a far enough distance, Engineer uses the PDA to destroy his level 3 Sentry. Soldier laughs maniacally as the explosion destroys what is left of the wall. Medic calls in on the radio "Be careful these are the best-fed monkeys, baboons, and geese in Switzerland, don't damage my specimens." "Do not worry Doctor" Spy replied "I've planned this heist to perfection!" "an' if anyone comes 'round, we'll bash their brains in" Scout shouted. "I'm sure you will." Spy muttered.

Sirens begin to blare a good ways away.

"The Police are coming!" Spy says "Mmh Mh Mmh mh mmmh" Pyro giddily replies. Pyro opens the door and hangs off the side of the truck. He takes out a gas canister and spills it onto the road. "Ackh, be careful with the geese." Medic Yells. After the canister is empty, She takes out a flare gun and shoots a well-aimed shot at the oil on the road causing it to turn into an uncharacteristic wall of fire. "huh" says Medic looking through the rearview mirror "I guess that thing was good for something after all" they hear the sound of a firing rocket and the explosion of several police cars. The Medic laughs.

"How much further until we cloak?" Medic radios. "When we get to the bridge" Spy replies "Until then anyone that comes our way we'll have to deal with ourselves."

"Hey, Spy" "Yes, Scout?" "We've got company" Spy looks into the rearview mirror and sees a woman wearing blue armor flying towards the convoy "Merde"

"Soldier, behind us" Spy warned. "I got her" Soldier prepares to rocket jump before- "Wait, use the jumper!" Engineer says "Fiiiiiine" Soldier concedes. he switches his trusty launcher for shit that doesn't even do damage. He aims himself carefully and fires, rocketing to the blue-clad jetpack lady. He lands with too much ease, almost as if the woman couldn't believe that a guy could shoot rockets at his feet, not die instantly or damage the truck he was standing on, and that said man was shooting towards her 5 seconds before this moment. At this moment, Soldier and the blue lady are tumbling through the air. the woman finally speaks: "arrêt, tu vas nous tuer!" Soldier replies with punching and "Is that Swedish? I hate Swedish! you and your Hippie Swedish friends may sit around begging for Swedish mercy but I am American, I fight American wars and I Amera-win them!" "You fool you're going to get us killed!" "Now you're speaking in American! Which is it, Swedish or American? I will break every Swedish bone in your body and replace them with All-American internal bleeding!" "I am not even Swedish, I'm Egyptian!" "Then you will be like the Pharaohs of ancient history, Dead!" the two continue to tussle in the air. While this happens a blue light flashes near the convoy.

Thump. Scout and Spy look back, then at each other. Spy looks in the rearview mirror.

Some girl is hanging off the side ."Cheers love!" she says

"Scout" "Yeah?" Spy hands him a Dead Ringer "Kick her ass"

Scout opens the door and swings to the roof of the truck. The girl does the same. They come up face to face with each other. "Hey, whoever you are, could ya get offa our truck?" "And why would I do that?" the spikey haired lady replied. "It's for a good cause." Scout says "What? Charity organ harvisters limited?" "That is a great charity!"The woman charges towards Scout shooting her pistols at him. Scout jumped to avoid the lazers flung at him, when Scout landed he shot a few scattershots at the lady. She seemed to blink out of existence in a bright blue flash then blink back into existence a second later, but closer. The Scout, surprised by the girl's powers, seemingly let the bullets hit him this time. The Scout tumbles backwards off the truck and onto the open road, splattering into red chunks.

"Enough!" the blue lady said frustrated. She grabs Soldier by the foot, hanging him upside down then by both ends, and cracks his spine over his knee. "You call that breaking a spine? You Swedish sissies wouldn't know how to break a spine if you..." she breaks his spine. "Agh, my spine!" She throws him at the end of the convoy.

Soldier lands in the loving arms cold hard metal. "Ack, careful!" Warns the Medic. He turns to Pyro and carefully considers his options. "Fuck it" He says, and gives the Pyro the Crusaders Crossbow "I'm trusting you with this, shoot Soldier with it." Pyro nods and once again climbs on top of truck and walks to the edge where by some miracle, Soldier is hanging on. Pyro lifts Soldier onto the roof and shoots him with the crossbow

The Spy sits with his eyes on the road and his mind on what he's going to do about the girl on the roof of his truck. He hears the door open and looks to see nobody. The compartment containing extra weapons opens, seemingly by itself, and out floats the Force-a-Nature. after a few moments, the door closes. Spy smiles.

The girl on the roof stops contemplating such silly things as being directly responsible for a man's brutal death and turns to stop the masked man in the drivers seat. But as she went to the front, something screeched and the Scout appeared. The girl turns pale as the Scout appears in front of her. She couldn't believe it, the man had just died in front of her and suddenly he was back with yellow dust slipping through his fingers. She was so shocked she seemingly didn't notice when he aimed the shotgun at her. One second she was staring at a man she thought she'd killed the next she was hurdling over the last truck of the convoy, before she could hit the ground Pharah caught her, saving her from certain death. After setting Tracer down the warrior in blue rocketed for the front, before an uncomfortable weight suddenly settled on her back.

"Got you now Queen Tut" said the Soldier. "Not again!" cried Pharah. the two tussle for a minute before crazy boy takes out a shovel and jams it into Pharah's visor.

Using her as a platform, Soldier jumps off of the flying faliure back onto the truck, laughing all the way.

"Good job Soldier, you goddamn miracle worker!" the Engineer cried with joy into the radio. the continued, hearing a series of thumps before Soldier pops into his window. Engie opens the door and Soldier sits down, the two of them laughing in triumph at their victories. Engineer and Soldier, what a friendship unforced by circumstance or fanfiction writers.

"That is enough!"

Soldier looks towards the source of the noise. It's the blue lady flying towards the convoy.

"Stop your convoy or I will have no choice but to kill you all!" Pharah shouted " You have until the count of three!"

"Shize" the Medic cried

"Wait, this is perfect!" Spy yells "Activate the plan now!"

Engineer looked at the contraption that he remembered working on but hasn't thought about since the beginning of the mission. He switched it on hoping to whatever exists in this world that it would work.

"3"

"2"

"1"

The Mercs brace for impact.

"Justice reigns from above!" shouted Pharah as she sent a barrage of missiles at the convoy, utterly destroying it and everything inside. Flaming car parts, monkey limbs and human giblets fly everywhere. Pharah stands among the wreckage, satasfied, then flies back to Tracer.

All the while the other mercs have been having their fight against the forces of good, Demoman and Heavy have been drinking it up with the finest whiskey the Swiss can brew, laughing and sharing stories. before they can continue, the garage door of their unspecified hideaway opens to the successful cheers of the other 6 Mercenaries. They spend the rest of the night celebrating their victory with drinks and partying.

The next day the police go to see the wreck that Pharah made the night before. They find jack shit.