Notes:
blue bucket of gold is THE sasunaru song of all time, just my humble opinion. might continue this, but not quite sure yet.
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Work Text:
They only ever meet when the moon burns cold and bright in the night sky, reflecting the light of a tired day. The apartment is dark, but the streetlight coming in through the open window is enough for practiced eyes to see. It's been six months. Not the longest stretch that Sasuke's been away, but it gets harder every time he leaves. It's been six months, and right now Sasuke is leaning against Naruto's windowsill, letting the smoke from his cigarette float out into the night. He might stay , Naruto thinks. Smoke clings to skin like a lover's perfume and makes stealth hard. Ninja noses are sensitive. He might stay .
Naruto sits up in bed and pulls on his underwear. He stands, pads quietly over to the window and steals a smoke from the forgotten pack of cigarettes. Sasuke hesitates, but lights it for him. Naruto doesn't meet his eyes until he takes his first drag. He's frowning, which isn't unusual. Otherwise, his face is as inscrutable as ever. He might not stay.
"You're picking up bad habits from me," Sasuke says, breaking the silence. Years ago, Naruto might have been the one to talk first. These days, he's turned it into a game to see how long he can stand it, stand the quiet. He'd grown up wanting to fill the void with inane chatter and arrogant boasting, so to deny himself that comfort felt like something important. Talking never got him anywhere with Sasuke to begin with. Naruto averts his eyes, takes another drag.
"More from Shikamaru than from you," he lies. He resists looking at Sasuke's face to see if he caught it. Looking now would be a dead giveaway. He was never a very good liar, not where Sasuke was involved, but he's trying to get better. "You're not the only bad influence in my life."
Sasuke hums as if he disagrees. Naruto scoffs.
"Kakashi, then?" A smile curves his lips as he flicks some ashes onto the tray. "Maybe I'll start stealing his porn books, see what's so great about them."
"You'd have to steal them first."
"Asshole."
Sasuke smiles just a bit and snuffs out his cigarette in the tray. Naruto tries to memorize his face. If he had the sharingan , it would be easy, and he'd never have to try and piece together the fragments of every quiet moment between them and reconstruct an imperfect version of who Sasuke is on nights like this, when he lets himself soften just a bit. He could just close his eyes and Sasuke would be right there, always right there, and it might help soften the blow when he leaves again, like he always does. But he might stay.
Sasuke grabs his chin and suddenly he's kissing him and the kiss is more bitter than sweet, more smoke than sex, but Naruto takes what he can get, he always has. He hesitates before the hunger that starts low in his stomach and grows up through his chest to strangle him has him wrapping his arms around Sasuke's neck, desperate for the closeness of the one and only body he knows as well as his own. There are words he could never say to Sasuke out loud, that he can only show him when they're fighting or fucking, that Sasuke's body belongs to him , just like his body belongs to Sasuke, because they are two halves of one soul, Naruto just knows it. When they put their bodies on the line for village or vengeance or just the thrill of feeling like death might not pass them by after all, they are only lending what isn't theirs to possess.
Naruto feels Sasuke's hand move from his chin to wrap around the back of his neck, a mouth opening to deepen the kiss. He sighs in happy submission to the calloused hand that wanders up to grab his hair and pull him back. Sasuke studies his face in the darkness and Naruto wonders what he's looking for. If he knew, maybe he could deny it to him, which might prolong the closeness. He's not sure if Sasuke finds what he's looking for, but in the next moment Sasuke's letting him go and walking back towards the kitchen. Naruto discards his own cigarette and closes the window, draws the curtains.
"Water?" Sasuke asks, pouring himself a glass.
Naruto nods, and leans on the counter by the sink as Sasuke grabs another glass. The hunger isn't gone, and it makes the next words hard to say. "How long are you here for?"
"I don't know," Sasuke shrugs, handing Naruto the now-full glass. "I'm kind of between leads right now." There's a pregnant pause, and Naruto drinks his water so he has a reason not to look at him. He drinks too fast, the water escapes his lips and drips down the sides of his mouth to his neck. "Why, tired of me already?"
He wants to stay.
Sasuke laughs once, dry and humorless, and Naruto sets the empty glass in the sink. He looks at Sasuke then, and once again he regrets the part of him that needs to counter Sasuke's defensive barbs with sincerity. Lying would be easier, and it would hurt less.
"Of course not, you bastard." Sasuke grips the edge of the counter, knuckles on his remaining arm whitening. Naruto continues, "Just thought you'd be tired of hanging around here. It's been what, six hours? Don't have any plans for atonement in the Land of Snow?"
Naruto crosses his arms over his chest and hangs his head. He'd said too much again. This is how it usually goes – Sasuke would be here, he'd be fine , and then Naruto would say something, just couldn't help himself, and it would all suddenly be too much. He never missed the way Sasuke's expression tightened painfully, his movements suddenly stiff. He'd snap more easily, lose his patience. And then, usually within a few days, he'd be gone again, and if Naruto was lucky, he'd leave a note saying where.
"I don't–not particularly," Sasuke says slowly, letting the tension melt from his shoulders, "Have any plans, that is."
"Oh."
Naruto chances a look, and guesses that for now, he's safe. A tight feeling that had slowly come over his own body relaxes fractionally and lets him breathe again. The exhaustion hits him all at once. He chuckles and drags a hand over his face.
"You should sleep," Sasuke says quietly.
"Not yet."
"You're tired."
"I'm always tired."
"You weren't before."
Before what, exactly, goes unspoken, but Naruto wonders precisely what he means. Before Kakashi started grooming him to be the next hokage ? Before the war? Before Sasuke left the first time? He can hazard a guess. Another reason for Sasuke to beat himself up over choices he had forgiven him for a long time ago, before Naruto even knew what forgiveness was.
Naruto inches closer to where Sasuke is still leaning over the sink until their naked arms rest against each other. "I don't know what I'm saying. I was just worried about you, is all."
"Don't. Unlike some people, I can actually handle myself." Sasuke leans his weight against Naruto's arm more heavily. His skin feels feverish.
"I know." Naruto sighs. He'll regret saying this tomorrow. It's just another thing for Sasuke to feel guilty about, another reason to run away, but he really is tired, tired in a way that makes his eyes burn and his mouth move faster than his head. "It's not really rational. You're the strongest shinobi I know. But I just–I have these moments , where I wonder if you're dead, if you're dead and I'm still carrying on, and I won't know for months, if ever. Like maybe if you got ambushed in your sleep or someone, some new threat, figured out how to counter the sharingan , maybe they aren't stronger than you, but all it takes is one lucky hit. And maybe they'll cut out your eyes and leave the rest of you lying in a field for the crows to pick at, and I won't know. Or maybe they kill you just because, for no special reason at all, and they dump you in the river and for all I know, you found what you were looking for and never looked back."
Translation: I die each time I kill you.
Naruto rests his forehead against Sasuke's shoulder now, desperate for closeness yet unsure how to reach out. His next words are muffled as his lips brush against the smoothness of skin.
"Do you think we'd know?"
Sasuke is quiet. When he finally speaks, his voice is hoarse, like it hurts him to say it. It makes Naruto feel a bit happy, to know that Sasuke is hurting too, that he even can hurt Sasuke with just his words. The happiness commingles with shame. "I've thought about it before."
He steps back, and Naruto aches at the loss. He keeps his head bowed, staring at the floor, as Sasuke moves to stand in front of him. Sasuke grabs his good hand from where his arms are hugging his torso in a facsimile of comfort and places it flat against his chest, where just inches away, under skin and muscle and blood and bone, Sasuke's heart beats in steady rhythm with Naruto's own.
He speaks again. "I think I'd know if you died. I can feel you here."
Naruto feels his face and ears burning as Sasuke lifts his hands and brings it to his lips. He presses kisses against his knuckles that are just too soft, so soft they hurt. It's something Naruto has only realized since he's known Sasuke, but pleasure and pain are bedfellows, not opposites. They exist right next to each other, so close they might be one and the same or two halves to a whole, and maybe that's why he loves the things that are bad for him. When his eyes are closed, he sometimes thinks he might not be able to tell the difference between a kiss or a kunai against his neck, pressed just close enough to draw blood.
"I think so too. I just have to remind myself sometimes."
Sasuke hums and kisses his way up Naruto's arm before biting and sucking at the junction between his neck and his shoulder, and Naruto mumbles something about having to work tomorrow, but he's not listening anymore. When he presses in close, Naruto can feel Sasuke's erection pressing against his lower stomach. Sasuke reaches down to palm his cock. Naruto feels the first stirrings of desire, but they're weak in the face of his exhaustion.
He pleads, "Sasuke, please, I can't do it again tonight."
"You can." The words vibrate in his ear and make him shiver. "Push me away if you don't want it. I'll obey."
As if he ever could. Naruto squeezes his eyes shut against the burning sensation which has now returned. He wraps his arms around Sasuke's neck, pulls him as tightly against his body as he can. He feels his own cock beginning to swell. Sasuke's hand steadies him, pressing against the small of his back until it travels lower to check that Naruto is still loose from earlier. He trembles. Naruto grabs Sasuke's cock, but it's dry, so he drops to his knees and takes him in his mouth all at once. The floor is cold and hurts to kneel on. Sasuke groans and grips the hair at the top of his head tightly, and Naruto's embarrassed to think that he grabs it that hard because he knows his lover likes it that way. His lover. Sasuke's lover. Is that what he is? Is Sasuke his lover? He relaxes his jaw and lets Sasuke fuck his mouth for a bit. He gags on it and he knows Sasuke loves the sound. He can't comprehend the emptiness for a second when Sasuke pulls away, but Sasuke tugs his hair with surprising tenderness until he's standing. He's spun around and roughly bent over the kitchen counter. Sasuke lets him take a steadying breath. He can feel his heart thundering in his chest and he's fully hard now, and all he thinks is this may actually kill me before Sasuke is sliding inside him. His breaths come quicker. A sob rips from his mouth as he feels hot tears finally break free from his eyes which have been shut this entire time. Sasuke's saying something soothing as he continues to move, and Naruto doesn't know if he's praying or just repeating Sasuke's name, but it feels like the same thing. He wishes he could see Sasuke's face, but he's more afraid of Sasuke seeing his own. He's not sure what he'd find there, but he feels the shame of nakedness when he thinks about Sasuke knowing how badly he wants him, always wants him, because the long deep bitter hunger never really goes away. Sasuke grips his cock and Naruto's arms begin to shake from the painful overstimulation as he thrusts into his fist. Sasuke comes first, fucking into him hard and fast, groaning with the release and repeating something about how good he is, how good he is for Sasuke, only Sasuke, and if Naruto had any awareness at all he'd listen, because he loves when Sasuke praises him, but his mind is searching for something, and it's dark, so dark. His eyes are still shut, the tears are still falling and carving rivers of fire into his face until they drip to the countertop. Sasuke grips him tighter, pumps him faster, bends over and whispers his name, "Naruto."
He is undone.
There are real tremors spreading from his arms and wracking his body, but Sasuke grips his waist to keep him from falling. He doesn't remember the last time he felt this weak, this open and bleeding, but he must have been half dead. Naruto slowly returns to his own body, his mind refurling and bringing the fringes of his awareness closer to the center of him. He feels Sasuke press kisses against his shoulder. Another sob comes from somewhere inside him and breaks free from his lips. The tremors stop, and Sasuke eases him up until he's where he was before, leaning against the counter while Sasuke faces him. He dares to look at Sasuke's face, which is lined where worry and desire have warred and warred again, they still fight even now. His face is a battlefield, his very eyes bought and paid for with the blood of his blood. He really is handsome , Naruto thinks. Sasuke wipes away a lingering tear with his thumb as Naruto sniffles and laughs at what his own face must look like. The air feels lighter. Sasuke mumbles, "Stupid," and presses their foreheads together, and Naruto just can't stop laughing even though he shouldn't and it hurts to breathe. They stay like that until his breathing and pulse slow down and Naruto can force his mouth to form words again.
"Come to bed with me?"
Sasuke nods and follows him obediently back to the bedroom, where their clothes from earlier that day already lie in chaotic piles on the floor. Something inside Naruto's chest flutters in excitement at how closely Sasuke is following him, the way he can feel the ghosts of his fingers on his waist. If Sasuke tries to leave before daybreak, Naruto will be able to tighten his arms around whatever part of him he can grab. To Naruto's surprise, however, Sasuke is the one who grabs hold of him, who draws up close to his back and wraps an arm around his waist possessively. He's almost unsure how to fall asleep in this position, but something urges him to grab Sasuke's hand and intertwine their fingers, so he does, as if it's the simplest thing in the world. He feels Sasuke drag his thumb gently over his own, then bury his head deeper into Naruto's hair.
"Don't let me sleep in," Naruto commands.
"Ok."
"I mean it. I'm meeting with ANBU in the morning. Sai always comments if I'm late."
"Ok." Naruto's half asleep and almost doesn't catch what he says next. "I'll come with you."
"...Why?"
"I saw Kakashi before I came here. He asked if I wanted to work under him for a bit. ANBU shit, but nothing I'd object to." He nuzzles his face sleepily against the pillow, unused to the softness of a bed. "Thought I'd give it a shot."
He might stay.
"Oh, that's–" The burning sensation is back, accompanied by a thickness in his throat. Naruto swallows against it and blinks away the tears. "Good."
Sasuke hums in agreement, and Naruto feels when his body relaxes into sleep. His heart is pounding again. The smarter part of him, the part that didn't exist until Sasuke left him and everything changed, reminds him that it's a temporary assignment. But for once, for the first time in a long time, the deep buried hidden part of him that he can't kill, no matter how good he gets at killing, reminds him that everything is temporary. Some new cosmic, world-ending threat could attack the village tomorrow on his way out the door and they could fight against it and lose and for once, Sasuke wants to stay .
Naruto opens his eyes. He stares at his wall in the darkness, memorizing familiar patterns in the paint. He can't see Sasuke. He can't see him, but he can feel him, the weight of him, right behind him, and inside of him, when he reaches inward and senses the cool spot in his chest that's been there since they lost their arms together in a fight that he sometimes remembers as fucking. The spot looks like still water. If he dives beneath it, what will he find? Does Sasuke see him or his brother when he sleeps, Naruto still doesn't know. He's afraid to touch it, to disturb its mirror surface. The spot might spread like an ink stain. The spot might be a pond, might be an ocean. It might spread to his very fingertips and pull him under and drown him. He wonders if Sasuke feels the same. The hunger comes back as thirst, urging him to reach out and touch . It aches for the cool, unknown depths. He stretches out a hand. A solemn gravity pulls him under. He sleeps.
For once, he doesn't dream.