A/N This was another idea that I didn't really know where it was going, I have just always loved Tracy's hand in Mike's, like in The Visitors where she falls down the stairs and you can see just how different in size they are. This went darker than intended, but I still really like it

Tracy POV

I woke suddenly.

My eyes darted round the room, my breathing a little shallow. I was sure I'd been having a dream, but now I was awake I couldn't think what it had been. I just felt shaky, unsure.

I didn't want to be on my own.

I got out of bed, going through the flat to Cam's room. She was always around when I needed her, always able to give a hug and some soothing words.

In the dark I could see her laying there. I crawled into bed as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake her, then settled down.

I jumped, bolting upright as I realised it wasn't Cam. And in my tired state all I could think to do was scream.

"Tracy, what's wrong? What's happened?"

I stopped screaming as I heard Mike's voice. Of course. He was here tonight, him and Cam having worked out a schedule last week to give her a bit of a break from being here all the time. "Mike?"

"Why were you screaming?" He turned on the bedside lamp, giving the room a warm glow.

"I, I forgot it was you here tonight. I was expecting Cam, and I couldn't see you properly to work out who you were."

Mike gave me a smile. "It's only me. Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok."

"Come on," Mike patted the pillow a couple of times, "lie down."

I did as I was told.

"Did you want to ring Cam? Or did you want to talk to me? Or did you just want to sleep? I know Cam said you sometimes just come in here to settle a bit."

"I, I don't know. I, had a nightmare, I think, I can't really remember it. I just feel jittery, just a bit not safe."

Mike looked me in the eyes. "Not safe as in wanting to hurt yourself?"

"Not safe as in just..." I trailed off. I wasn't exactly sure what I meant by not safe. "Just... I don't know, I just don't feel right."

"Can I do anything to make you feel safe?"

"I don't know, I just..."

"Just feeling a bit unsure in the world?"

I nodded.

Mike gave me a smile. "Can I show you something that might help?"

"Ok."

"Give me your hand."

I brought my hand up over the duvet. Mike brought his up too.

"Sit up slightly if you can. It'll be easier to see."

I did as I was told.

"Put your hand on mine."

I did, and couldn't help but smile. Mike's hand always dwarfed mine.

"What do you see?"

"Yours is much bigger than mine."

"Exactly. And so what does that mean?"

I looked at him in confusion.

"That means I protect you. I make sure you're safe, that nothing can hurt you. I make sure everything's ok."

"What are you getting at?"

Mike sighed. "I'm saying I'm here, Tracy. I'm your dad. Use me. Talk to me, cry to me, scream at me if you need to let something out." He paused for a moment. "Don't you dare do what you did again without giving me the chance to help first. Let me protect you."

I sighed too. I lay down, taking my hand from his. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't want you to say sorry." Mike took my hand, as a comfort this time. "I wanted you to know that I'm here. That I can take whatever it is you want to throw at me. That I'll do whatever I can to protect you from harm."

"I didn't let you protect me from harm last time, did I?"

"You wouldn't even tell me where you were." Mike's eyes were filling with sadness. "I was so worried about you. And they wouldn't tell me anything in case I was someone that wanted to hurt you." He paused for a moment. "You have no idea how fast I ran out of my house when they called."

My head went back to that night. To crying alone on that cold hospital bed, too scared to ask anyone to be with me. To being sick over and over again. To countless needles being pushed into me. To finally crying out Mike's name so the hospital called him for me. To...

"Mike." My voice was full of tears, only just making his name audible.

"Oh Trace." Mike pulled me close, his hand on my back. "It's ok. It's over, Tracy. I'm here, you're home, you're safe."

"Mike."

"Shh. Shh." Mike rubbed my back up and down.

I remembered then just after I'd come out of hospital. Mike had taken me to lie down after I'd been struggling with leg spasms. He'd held a hand gently on my skin in an attempt to soothe me. It hadn't worked then: I'd been too far gone. But now...

"Mike?"

"Yes?"

"I, I remember when I was just home, you had your hand on my back. Could you do that again?"

"My hand is on your back, Trace." Mike sounded confused.

"No, you had it, like..." I hated asking. Asking for help at all was hard enough, let alone something like this that was more.

Mike looked confused for a moment. Then he gently slipped his hand under my top, gently stroking my back. "Is this what you meant?"

I nodded, giving a smile of thanks.

Mike gave me a smile back.

I settled. Feeling Mike's hand directly on my skin allowed me to really feel his presence. It kept me grounded, in the here and now.

"You ok?"

"I think so. I feel a bit better."

"Good." Mike continued to stroke my back. "Try and go to sleep if you can. I'll be here."

I felt for Mike's other hand, giving it a squeeze as I found it. I closed my eyes as he gave mine a squeeze back.

"You'll stay?"

"You're in my bed, Tracy, I don't have much choice."

I gave a small smile as Mike gave my back another rub. I knew he would have stayed even if he'd come to me.

I settled down, allowing my body to finally relax. I was safe here with Mike. I could feel my small hand in his larger as he held it, feel the strength in him as he held me close. It was always a gentle strength though, one there to protect those he loved, not one to give harm.

I needed to allow Mike to protect me.

"How long are you here tomorrow?"

"I'm here all day. I'll go early evening, spend the night at mine while Cam's back."

"What are we doing?"

"Whatever you like."

"Ok." I decided to try and get some sleep.

I lay there for a while, then snippets of my dream began to return. I pulled away from Mike, curling myself up tight.

"Tracy?" I could feel his hand on my arm. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

I let out a whine as my leg kicked out.

"No no no, we're not doing this. Open your eyes, Tracy. Look at me."

I looked at him. His eyes were full of worry.

"Just focus on me. That's it. Just look at me."

Mike continued to speak, softly and slowly, as I watched him. I began to relax, my legs no longer feeling like they needed to move.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I, I just thought about, my attempt. I had a nightmare earlier and I just remembered it was about that." I squeezed my eyes shut to try and block out the images coming to me.

"Hey, look at me." Mike waited for me to open my eyes. "That's it. Do you want to talk about it?"

"You don't want to hear that."

Mike took my hand, holding them linked in front of me."Iprotectyou,Tracy." He looked at me closely. "I think it would help you to tell someone."

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment, then I began to speak.

I told Mike all of it. Writing my note, taking all those pills, how difficult it had been to keep going when my body had realised something was wrong and had made me start to feel sick. How I'd pushed on, collapsing into my pillows when I was done, only to bring up the contents of my stomach a few hours later. Struggling to sleep through the pain in my stomach, eventually getting off and then waking in the middle of the night to be sick again, wetting the bed as I did so as I was just too ill to move. Then curling up to try and stop the pain and get back to sleep, finding some extra pillows so I could sit up slightly, just trying to make myself feel a little better. The next morning as I'd realised I needed to get up and go to the bathroom, crawling there, every inch agony, and knowing I needed to crawl back as sickness and pain filled my body, knowing I just needed to get to my phone so I could call an ambulance. Getting back to bed after over an hour and finally calling to get the help I needed.

As I finished I was exhausted. I hadn't really ever processed it properly before, and to talk it through had taken a lot of of me. I allowed my brain to shut down somewhat, not able to think much anymore.

Mike held me close to him as my body shook. He gently rubbed my back, trying to comfort me.

"I want my mum."

"I'll ring Cam."

I was quite out of it as Mike spoke on the phone. I was quite out of it as he tried to soothe me. I felt him place his hand back on my skin, which brought me some awareness to his presence.

I definitely felt the arms around me.

"Cam."

"Oh Tracy." She lay next to me, holding me tight. "You had to do this on a night I wasn't here, didn't you? Oh you poor lamb."

I sobbed as both Mike and Cam held me tight. Mike held my hand tightly, Cam put a hand up to my cheek. There was an ache in my chest as I remembered that awful, awful night.

"It's over, Tracy," said Mike softly. "It's over."

"It hurts."

"I know, I know it does. I know it was awful. But it's over. And it's never going to happen again."

"You don't know that."

"I'm not going to let it happen again."

"Neither am I." Cam gave me a squeeze.

"I, I'm sorry. I know I did it, I know it was my fault. But it still hurts."

"It wasn't your fault." Mike gave my hand a squeeze. "You were very, very unwell. You were at the whim of your thoughts at that point, and it's not your fault they told you to do what they did."

"But I could have fought it. Ishouldhave fought it."

"You weren't well enough to fight." Mike gave me a kiss. "And that's ok."

My sobs increased. My body felt a little out of control. I squeezed Mike's hand tightly, trying to remain present.

"Shh, you're ok." Cam held me tightly to her. "I know, Tracy. Can you just calm a bit, for me? Just settle if you can."

I sobbed.

Mike gave my hand a squeeze. "Come on, sweet. We're here, Tracy. We're here."

I'd told Mike earlier that I didn't feel safe because I felt unsure, that I was just feeling a bit wobbly. As I sobbed though the feelings began to come back. I didn't want to do this anymore.

"I don't feel safe."

"I know. You said that earlier."

"No, I, I want to do it again."

Cam jumped up, and Mike took both my hands in his, almost like handcuffs.

"You're not doing it again. I'm not letting you go."

"Can you keep me safe?"

"I can keep you safe."

Mike kept hold of me. I was glad for his presence, stopping me from doing something stupid.

Cam returned after a few minutes, putting her arms round me. "Everything's gone. I'm not telling you where it is, and you're not looking. You stay here with us."

"I don't want to do it. My brain wants me to do it. I don't want to do it."

"Do you need us to stay awake, Tracy?"

I looked up at Mike. "Can you?"

"Of course. I can stay awake tonight for you. Cam?"

"I'll sleep when I know you're ok."

Mike kept firm hold of my hands. My head tortured me, images of pills filling my head. I could taste them in my mouth.

"I feel sick." I sat up. "I need my hands."

Mike let me go, though I could feel him watching me closely for signs I was going to dart off.

"Do you need a bowl?" asked Cam.

"No. I can just taste them. Like really taste them." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Do you want something to take the taste away?" asked Mike.

"It doesn't work. I've tried it before."

"You've had this before?" Cam seemed surprised.

"A few times." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I can taste them. I don't want them." I let out a small whine.

"You're not getting anymore, it's ok."

"I don't want to be here." I went to get out of the bed.

"You're not leaving." Mike's voice was firm.

"I want to be on my own."

"You're not leaving." Mike took hold of my hand.

"Let me go!"

"I can't, Tracy."

"Let mego!"

Mike held me firm. I tried to pull away from him and he tightened his grip on me.

"Let me go!"

"Mike, let go of her. She's not going to find anything to hurt herself with."

"I can't go through that again."

"LET ME GO!"

"Let her go. Now, Mike." Cam put her hand on Mike's to take his hand off mine.

Mike released his grip, and I pulled my wrist away from him. I got off the bed and went to my room. Once there I curled up under my desk, hiding away from the world.

I could still taste the pills. I began to cry, desperately wanting my mouth to be empty, for the memories to go away.

In the darkness I spotted a razor. I looked to my arm, running my hand over old scars. I'd not wanted to cut for a long time, but now...

I picked it up and ran to Cam's room.

"Take this, please, before I break it." I thrust the razor into Cam's hands.

Cam took it off me, leaving the room.

"Help me."

"What do you need me to do?" Mike's voice was soft and gentle.

"I don't know," I choked out. "I just don't feel safe, and I need to be safe."

I curled into a ball on the bed. Mike placed his hand on my back where my top had ridden up.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Mike."

"I know." Mike gently rubbed my back. "You're being so brave, Tracy. You're doing so well. And we are here to keep you safe. We can do that if you talk to us. I can protect you."

I reached out a hand, and Mike took it.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do you want to die?"

"What?"

"Do you want to die?"

"I, I don't know. I don't know!"

"Hey, it's ok. That's a good thing, Tracy. If you're not sure that you want to die, then it's easier to convince you to stay."

"I don't want to fight anymore."

"I know. I know you don't." Mike brought his hand up to my hair and gently began to stroke it. He looked up as Cam entered the room.

"There isn't anything sharp in the house. I've locked everything in the car. And the house keys and the car keys are hidden separately. You cannot get to them tonight."

There was a moment of silence as we processed what Cam had said. Then Mike spoke.

"Tracy, why don't you stop fighting tonight?"

"Stop fighting?"

"Cam's just said there's nothing here you can use to hurt yourself. So stop fighting. Let us fight for you tonight."

"But I want to hurt myself. I need to fight that."

"And what are you going to use?"

"I'll find the keys."

"No you won't," said Cam firmly. "You will not find them, Tracy."

I sighed. I was exhausted, from constant thoughts of harm in my head. "I want to hurt myself."

"I know." Mike paused for a moment. "Why don't you try something else? Snapping an elastic band or holding an ice cube?"

"That's not going to work!" My legs began to get restless again. "I can't do this anymore."

"Come on, Tracy. You're ok." Cam put a hand on me.

"I can't do this!"

"Yes you can."

"I can't!"

Cam lay down next to me. She pulled be close. "Yes you can. You're mine, Tracy. you're not going anywhere."

I screamed.

It wasn't anything anyone had done. I just had a feeling inside me, a horrible, anxious feeling. It had been building up in my body and now it needed to be released.

I screamed again.

Cam held me tight. Mike gave my hand a squeeze.

I squeezed his as hard as I physically could.

"Ow, Tracy, not that hard."

I continued to squeeze as I released another scream.

"Alright, it's ok." Mike put his spare hand to my hair. "Oh sweet, come on."

"I can't do this, I can't do this..."

"You can. Just let us do it tonight."

"I think I need to go back to hospital. I'm not well. I need help."

"We're here to help, Tracy." Cam gave her another squeeze.

"I want to go back."

"Tracy, look at me." Mike placed a finger under my chin.

I looked at him.

"I'm happy to take you to the hospital if that's what you need. But just think about what they could actually do that we can't."

"They, they..."

"You're not on medication, even the emergency stuff doesn't work you've said. The team didn't even come and see you when you were in. I just don't want you getting more hurt."

"They can stop me from doing anything."

"So can we." Mike moved his hand to stroke my hair.

I sighed. The anxious feeling still filled my body, the whole of me uncomfortable. I felt restless, just wanting it out of my system.

"Cam, do you need to rest?"

I couldn't see her, but I felt her nod behind me. I could feel in how she held me just how tired she was.

"Go on. You go to Tracy's room, we'll stay here."

Cam gave me a kiss, then got up and left.

"You need to rest too," said Mike gently. "Can you tell me what's going on so I can try and help?"

"I just, feel anxious. Not like thoughts but that physical anxiety."

Mike gave me a smile. "I get it." He looked at me for a moment. "Lie in your front for me. I've got an idea."

I did as I was told. Mike put his hand on my back, gently on my skin, and carefully began to work out the tension in my muscles.

I began to relax. Cam has taken me for a massage once after much convincing, and it had been relaxing. This time it was soothing, Mike gently using the actions to calm me.

"Is that better?"

I nodded.

"Would you like me to talk, or would you like quiet?"

"Can I talk?"

"Of course."

"It just, crept up tonight. I don't really know what happened. I was ok, and then suddenly I wasn't."

"That's perfectly natural. You went through a lot, your brain and your body are just trying to make sense of it all. You're allowed to have times like this." He gently massaged my shoulder. "Like I said, use me. Scream at me. Cry to me. Almost break my hand."

Tears came to my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry."

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, though they were calm. I think after tonight I just needed to let some of the emotions out in a safe space.

Mike gently rubbed my back. "Shh. Shh. That's it, just let it out. Tonight was a lot, just let it go. Shh. You're ok, I'm here. You're safe. Nothing's going to hurt you, you can't hurt yourself. You're safe, sweet. You're safe. Everything's going to be ok."

Mike's voice was comforting, and I allowed myself to focus on it. I closed my eyes.

"That's it, you rest. Sleep if you can. Just relax. Would you like me to get Cam?"

"I want my dad." I held out my hand.

Mike took it. "I'm here."

"I just want my dad."

Mike lay down next to me, his hand still on my back. I opened my eyes to look at him.

"You ok?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment."

Mike sighed. He took his hand off my back, and gently took my hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of it. "You're overcoming trauma, Tracy. Remember how we've spoken about your attempt being trauma? You're just working through it. And I know it's really hard and you're suffering, but you're doing so well."

"I just don't feel like I'm ever going to get better. It's been what, two months now? And I'm still feeling like this."

"It's going to take a while," Mike gently traced circles on my hand, "but you will get there. You're getting stronger. I know tonight has been rough, but you're on a general upward trend. And you came to me, didn't you? You didn't take any pills. That's a great improvement."

"I guess."

"You did. And I'm so proud of you. You keep fighting, and that's amazing."

"I thought you said not to fight tonight."

"No, not tonight, because you've been fighting so well the rest of the time."

I closed my eyes. I needed a break from fighting. I needed a break from everything.

As I lay there I began to cry. I curled into a little ball, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Mike pulled me close. "Just rest, sweet. Just rest. It's ok, I've got you."

"Can you take over fighting? I need a break."

"Give me your battles."

I curled up tighter, mentally sending the stress and the worry and the struggle to Mike.

"It's with me tonight," Mike said softly. "All your pain is with me."

"And it doesn't hurt?"

Mike gave me a squeeze. "It doesn't hurt me like it hurts you."

It was strange, but there was less pain inside me. Less weighing me down. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, kiddo."

I sighed. I settled into Mike's hold, moving my head so it was closer to him. As I found a comfortable spot my ears picked up a faint sound: Mike's heart.

I opened my eyes. It was the first time that it really sunk in as to what I'd done. Thoughts of death weren't the same as thinking about what would actually be after you were gone. I put my hand up to my neck, feeling my own heart beating strongly.

"You alright?"

"I'm still alive."

Mike squeezed me tight. "Very much still alive. As you should be."

"I'm sorry."

Mike shook his head. "I'm just thankful you're still here." He gave me a gentle kiss.

I took my hand off my neck, putting my arm around Mike. "Love you."

"I love you too, Tracy."

"Can we have the light out?"

"Of course." Mike reached over and switched off the lamp, then held me back in his arms.

I looked into the darkness for a few moments, then closed my eyes. I finally felt settled, safe enough to sleep.

I took a deep breath, letting out a long exhale. With it my body relaxed, almost melting into the mattress.

"Good girl. Go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning."

Finally sleep seemed to be taking me. In the calm of the dark I was finally going to drift off.

I snuggled closer into Mike, and he gave me another gentle kiss.

Sleep took me.

Mike was my safety tonight; Mike was my fight. Mike loved me.

He brought me a sleep uninterrupted, calm, without dreams to panic me. His love protected me, keeping harm at bay.

I woke briefly in the night. Mike was asleep, though his grip on me was still firm. As I repositioned myself slightly I brushed against his hand.

I placed mine in it.

In the moonlight I could see them both, his hand much bigger than mine. I remembered what he'd said earlier about him being here to protect me.

I was safe with Mike, my protector.

Close to him I could really feel that. And as I found the perfect space close to him, it was stronger than ever.

I drifted back to sleep, calm and protected, my dad keeping me safe.