There are major trigger warnings for discussions of rape in this chapter, so please be aware of that before reading, if this subject matter is triggering for you. Please take care of yourself.
I struggled a LOT with this final chapter and I'm not entirely pleased with how it turned out. Bucci might be a bit out of character. Also, another reminder that the kids and Frannie don't exist in this story.
I posted this on my profile page, but I'll add it here too: My new stories will be posted solely on Archive of Our Own from now on, although I will still continue to post the unfinished stories on this site as well. I appreciate the support of the readers I've had on this site and the lovely, encouraging comments mean so much to me, but the overall lack of interest has been getting me down for a long time now, so it's time to move on.
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"I mean when it happened with Bucci."
Olivia sucks in a sharp breath and swallows back a sudden wave of nausea, her heart clenching in her chest as her worst fear is pretty much confirmed. She has grappled with this suspicion since Amanda's abduction; that much more had taken place between her detective and Bucci than Amanda has let on; that he had hurt her in intimate, sickening ways that Amanda has kept hidden.
"What-" She coughs to clear the dry patch in her throat, the pounding of her heart matching the speed of Amanda's as she struggles to get the words out. "What exactly happened with Bucci?"
When there is no immediate answer following her question, Olivia isn't surprised, figuring this conversation will be similar to the ones previous, when Amanda had such a hard time responding to such difficult inquiries. But when a few minutes pass in silence and Olivia sneaks a glance at the woman molded against her like a second skin, she is stunned to see that Amanda has fallen asleep once again, much the same way that she had in her office.
The racing of the detective's heart has instantly given way to a slower rhythm, her harsh breathing smoothing out into gentle, steady snores, as if it's okay to give herself over to slumber now that these long-held secrets have finally been released. But it is not nearly enough for Olivia, desperately trying to tamp down the rising frustration and horror that is bubbling inside, and gritting her teeth against the intense urge to shake Amanda awake and demand every last detail.
She struggles to get her breathing under control; to match the rapid rise and fall of her chest to the slowness of Amanda's, snapping her mouth closed against the scream that is soaring up her throat and begging to be released. Olivia feels the sudden need to tear herself away from the woman she is cradling so tenderly and pace the length of her apartment instead, striding swiftly from room to room to clear her mind of the grim thoughts that are swirling like a tornado.
Above all else, what she feels in a grief so all-consuming that it takes every last ounce of self-control in her possession to hold back the onslaught of devastated sobs that want to break free. She is utterly heartbroken for the woman that has already had to endure more in her lifetime than anyone ever should, and rather than wailing her rage to the world at the unfairness of it all and her inability to save her detective from yet another monster, Olivia weeps quietly into the darkness until sleep mercifully takes her and she joins Amanda in dreamland.
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When she awakens again, it's to a stillness that seems unnatural.
The first thing Olivia notices is that Amanda isn't pressed against her anymore, the other side of the bed vacant and cold when her eyelids flutter open and she swipes a hand across the rumpled sheets next to her. It is still dark in the room, the clock on the nightstand informing her that it's close to 5am now and her alarm will be ringing soon to signal the start of another work day.
The second thing she notices is that the apartment is dead silent; no running water in the bathroom or dishes clanging in the kitchen; no snoring coming from the couch, if Amanda had decided to switch spots during the night, and nothing playing on the TV. Olivia sits up amid the pooling covers, her eyes scanning the gloom for any trace of her detective and her head tilting to the side as she tries to pick up on any faint noise coming from the other rooms.
Swinging her legs over the side of the mattress with a curious frown, Olivia wonders if Amanda had opted to leave at some point over the past few hours, her embarrassment and shame getting the better of her after the intensity of her confessions and feeling no choice but to flee. Heaving a worried sigh as she shuffles into the hallway, Olivia hopes that she is wrong and Amanda is actually safe and sound somewhere in the apartment, instead of roaming the city by herself in her distressed state or sitting at home alone with her demons.
Her frown deepens when she reaches the living room and takes in the sight of the unoccupied couch and the dark television, no signs whatsoever that Amanda has been out here. A quick search of the kitchen and bathroom confirm that they too are empty, and Olivia rushes back into her bedroom to find her phone, her heart pounding as frantically as it was after Amanda had fallen asleep and she was left to lay awake and think the worst.
She is scrolling hurriedly through her contacts when a soft thump sounds from her closet, the hair on the back of Olivia's neck standing on end as she whirls around slowly. "Amanda?" she whispers in confusion as she stares at the closed door, taking a hesitant step toward it and blinking against the shadows that pool in her vision and seem to become thicker. "Are you in there?"
She can't fathom why on earth her detective would be hiding in her closet at five o'clock in the morning, and it occurs to her that it might not be Amanda at all, her heart rate skyrocketing and suddenly wishing she was holding her gun.
Olivia is both relieved and troubled when she hears a whimper in response, instantly recognizing the heartbreaking sound as Amanda's and easing the door open to peer inside. The younger woman is cowering in a ball on the floor, surrounded by Olivia's work clothes that are suspended neatly from hangers above her and multiples pairs of shoes and boots lined up beside her, mumbling something unintelligible.
"Honey, what's going on? What are you doing in here?" Olivia squats down carefully on the floor in front of her, reaching out a hand to brush her fingertips against Amanda's knee, overwhelmed with bewildered concern.
The other woman immediately flinches and pulls away, Olivia leaning back and holding her hands in the air in a non-threatening manner so Amanda can see them. "It's okay, I won't touch you if you don't want me to. Can you tell me what's going on, though? Did you have a nightmare?"
"I'm hiding," Amanda murmurs as Olivia tries to catch her eye through the mess of blonde hair hanging in her face, resisting the urge to swipe the unruly tresses aside and tuck them behind her ear.
"Yes, I can see that," she says gently, shifting slightly forward again with cautious movements. "Can you tell me why, though, honey? Can you help me understand what's going on here?"
"I don't want him to find me."
"Who, sweetheart?"
"Bucci."
Olivia feels another wave of nausea creeping up her throat, recalling their earlier conversation with a deepening sense of dread and wondering where this one will lead. "Frank Bucci isn't here, Amanda. He's in prison, remember? He can't hurt you anymore. I think you've been dreaming."
Amanda shakes her head vigorously, wide blue eyes glittering with fear when she wipes some tangled strands of hair out of her face to reveal a terror-stricken expression. "No, he was just here! He was in the bed with me."
"He wasn't here, honey. There's nobody here but us. And that was me in the bed with you. Come on, let me help you out of there." Olivia's voice is still calm but a little more insistent now as she reaches her hand toward Amanda, only to be rebuffed again.
"I hate motels," Amanda states abruptly, turning away from her as Olivia's actions come to a halt and she kneels there quietly for a moment before swallowing hard and parting her lips to speak.
"Why?"
"Men like to hurt me in motels."
"I'm so sorry to hear that but you're not in a motel right now, honey," she reminds her gently, feeling weighed down with the heaviness of her grief and her inability to make this situation better. "You're here in my bedroom with me. No men allowed. Just us, okay?"
When her assurance is met with a doubtful silence, Olivia takes a chance and shifts a tiny bit closer to the huddled form of her detective, noticing how much she is shaking. "Is that where you think you are right now? A motel?"
Her heart sinks when she sees the tentative nod that Amanda gives her in return, reiterating what she had said a moment ago. "I promise you're not in a motel room and you're safe with me in my bedroom, sweetheart. You had a nightmare and you might have had a flashback as well, but they're not real, okay?"
"Well, it was real." Olivia barely catches Amanda's raspy response, her voice is so low and choked, her heart aching as she tries to keep from sweeping the smaller woman into her arms and holding her tightly, keeping her safe from predators whether they are real or imagined.
She thinks back to how uncomfortable she was with Bucci's behavior in the hospital after he and his daughter had been attacked; how loud and aggressive and out of control he was acting, and how Amanda had mentioned that he had hit on her previously. She remembers Fin saying that Bucci liked Amanda so he wouldn't hurt her, Olivia reminding him that men kill the women they like all the time, and hoping and praying that this wouldn't happen to Amanda during her abduction.
Olivia had been so terrified when she was gone and then overcome with such relief when Amanda had suddenly shown back up in the squad room with Bucci in tow, but immediately on high alert when her detective had refused medical attention. What had happened in the interim has remained a mystery for all these months, but she feels a tendril of hope pushing up through the trepidation and anxiety that is threatening to drown her, knowing that this is it; that she is finally going to find out the truth.
"What was real, sweetheart? Please tell me."
"He wasn't lucid the entire time, Liv. He was drinking whisky and popping pills. And his adrenaline was off the charts. He was wild and couldn't be reasoned with. It was like he was possessed." Amanda sounds as if she is coming out of her nightmare-induced stupor now, and Olivia feels like they are finally getting somewhere; like she can converse with Amanda as the intelligent adult that she is.
"Well, that's not an excuse for whatever happened," she says softly but firmly, inching ever closer until their knees are nearly grazing.
"Bucci said that he prayed Getz wouldn't do to anyone else what he did to his daughters. I kept reminding him of what he had said and that he was going to end up just like Getz, the man he despised and was trying to get imprisoned for his crimes, but he didn't listen. He didn't stop." Amanda's voice is low and mournful, and Olivia blinks back tears as she feels swamped with a sense of urgency. "He became the monster that he was trying to put away."
"Why was he going to end up just like Getz?" Olivia prods as patiently as she can, not wanting to push too hard but knowing that she has to get to the bottom of this incident so her detective can receive the help that she so desperately needs and so they can pursue further charges against Bucci, but that she has to wait to hear it in Amanda's own words. "What didn't he stop?"
"I mean, what was the point of it all if he was just going to do the exact same thing to me?" Amanda rambles as she gestures to herself with a trembling hand, an anguished explanation tumbling out at long last. "I had a flashback when I was sitting on the bed in the motel room we were holed up in, and I thought I was in the motel with Patton in Atlanta. I didn't mean to lose control of myself, I really didn't. I wasn't thinking properly. And then I remembered the hallucination I had of Patton when I was high, and that made it worse. I had managed to remain calm up until that point, but then I tried to get away and made a sudden break for the door. Bucci freaked out and started screaming at me to sit back down, panicked that I was going to escape, and he caught me and threw me face down onto the bed. The force of it made him crash down on top of me before he could catch himself, and I couldn't stop struggling because now I actually was being pinned to the bed, just like with Patton."
Olivia nods wordlessly, her eyes wide and filled to the brim with tears as she listens, but urging Amanda to go on when she pauses and chews hard on her bottom lip.
"He lost his mind, Liv. I don't know what happened. I thought he would just get up and leave me there, but I suddenly felt his...erection...on my lower back and he pushed into me harder. I couldn't breathe, I was so scared. I don't know if rage and chaos are a turn-on for him or something but all of a sudden, he was rolling me over and the look on his face...it had changed into something else..." Amanda gags and puts a hand over her mouth, Olivia worried that she might be sick and looking around for the trash can she keeps under her nightstand, before the younger woman composes herself again.
"I knew then what was going to happen and I couldn't wrap my head around it because even though Bucci had abducted me at gunpoint and was drinking and taking drugs...even though he was so erratic and hard to reason with and had already committed so many crimes...I still didn't see it coming until a split second before it did." Amanda shakes her head slowly, her voice taking on a tinge of disbelief now, like she is still unable to comprehend the horror of what she had been through.
"I mean, the whole reason this happened was because his daughters had been violated, and to think that he was going to do the same thing to me...it was bizarre, it didn't make sense that he couldn't stop himself from becoming the monster that he despised. And it wasn't like he was punishing me for not being able to save them; I honestly think it was spur-of-the-moment, he got off on the excitement of me being pinned under him. It wasn't planned but he realized that he enjoyed it when I struggled. It was obvious that he was attracted to me and he just...he just lost control. It was so fast, it was practically a blur. He yanked my pants and underwear down and then he was inside me and I couldn't get away..."
Olivia opens her mouth to speak, desperate to provide some kind of solace in the face of Amanda's agony, blinking rapidly at the stubborn tears hovering on her lower lashes, and then remaining silent when the other woman keeps talking.
"I tried so hard to get away, Liv. He's not a big guy; actually, I think I'm taller than him. But he's heavier and he had adrenaline on his side while I was so exhausted and traumatized, and with the mixture of drugs and alcohol on top of that...well, all of that stuff combined did nothing to help me. It made everything worse. Like I said, it was as if he was possessed. And after begging him so many times to stop and telling him to think of his daughters, I knew he was too far gone and I just shut down, like I did with Patton. I stopped fighting. I couldn't make myself move."
"You froze," Olivia tells her softly, a deep ache in her heart at Amanda's horrendous revelation. "It's not your fault, honey. You know it happens so often in these situations; fight, flight or freeze, and so many people end up freezing. And it doesn't matter if he was attracted to you and he wasn't planning on doing what he did; it doesn't matter if he was drinking or doing drugs; it doesn't make it any better. Like you said, he became the man that he despised. It doesn't make him any less of a monster than Getz just because the situation was different."
"But I shouldn't have froze," Amanda whispers in shame. "If I had just tried a little harder, I could have taken him, I could have overpowered him. He's not even that big..."
Olivia holds up a hand as Amanda trails off, a tear slipping from the corner of her eye to slide down her cheek before she can blink it away. "It's not your fault," she repeats firmly, her heart rate refusing to slow down and only pumping faster. "And I will keep reminding you of that until you believe it. You couldn't help what your body did or did not do during the attack. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart."
"And just like after what happened with Patton, I didn't say anything to anyone, I didn't get medical attention, there's no proof," Amanda continues mumbling as if Olivia hasn't spoken. "I've actually been making excuses for what this asshole did to me."
"Well, we're going to make sure he doesn't get away with it," Olivia states vehemently, feeling a surge of rage at the thought of Bucci abusing Amanda and not seeking retribution for it.
"He already did, Liv. What's done is done. It doesn't even matter anymore, does it? He's already in prison, anyway."
Olivia gapes at her in astonishment, her mouth falling open slightly and her heart pounding even harder. "How can you say that, Amanda? Of course it matters. He violated you in the worst possible way. Look at what it's been doing to you for all of this time. You can barely function, sweetheart. You need help and he needs to be punished for what he's done. The punishment he's already received is not nearly enough. His despicable crime needs to be acknowledged and something needs to be done about it."
"Barely function?" Amanda echoes in a muttered tone, glaring at her in the darkness. "Wow, thanks for the compliment, Liv. That's your reaction after I finally confide in you? Telling me how useless I am? Is this your way of bringing up a possible leave of absence again? Wow, you've got some really shitty timing."
"Amanda, I didn't say that to upset you," Olivia rushes to explain as guilt stabs through her anguish and rage, desperate to soothe her detective before Amanda shuts down again. "I don't want to hurt you and no, I wasn't even thinking about the leave of absence. But you can't honestly look back at the past few months and tell me that everything has been normal and you've been doing just fine. Look at what's happening right now. You're hiding in my closet after showing up at my apartment at midnight and spending the night in my bed. Does that sound like a functioning adult to you, sweetheart?"
"You're so damn condescending," Amanda snaps angrily, Olivia gasping when the smaller woman suddenly launches herself from the confines of the tiny enclosed area and tries to push past her. "I knew it was a mistake to come here. I knew I should have gone to Fin or Carisi's instead. And it's not like I hid in your closet because I wanted to. It's not like I was playing hide-and-seek like a goddamn child. I was having a nightmare! I didn't know what I was doing! I was just trying to get away from him!"
"That's precisely my point, Amanda!" Olivia cries in alarm, unable to help the rise of her voice as they struggle on the floor for a moment, their bodies becoming entwined and their limbs twisting together when Amanda attempts to climb over her and free herself from the closet, Olivia scrambling to get out of her way and not wanting Amanda to feel trapped. "The nightmares are ruling your life. You're not sleeping or eating properly and you can barely do your job. The trauma of Bucci's rape won't get any better until you get some help."
She watches as Amanda comes to a complete halt in her efforts to get away, the other woman freezing instantly at the word "rape", as if the full ramifications of what had happened to her in that motel room are just now dawning on her. Olivia's heart is thundering so hard against her rib cage that she wonders if she is going to pass out as a sheen of sweat breaks out along her skin, her arms and legs becoming damp beneath her overly warm pajamas as her gaze locks intently onto her detective's.
Their feet are still knotted together from Amanda's rush to flee and Olivia's inability to move fast enough, her gaze softening at the stunned, devastated expression on the blonde's face as another tear slips from her eye. Amanda looks like a deer caught in the headlights, her blue eyes wide and staring straight ahead like she is in some kind of trance, remaining frozen on the floor until Olivia decides to reach out for her again.
The sudden movement seems to snap Amanda out of her daze and she yanks herself away roughly, crawling across the ground on all fours before staggering to her feet and taking a clumsy step toward the bedroom door.
"Amanda, stop!" Olivia yells desperately, hurrying into a standing position and giving chase through the dim apartment as the younger woman takes off, Amanda bumping into the walls and her knee glancing off an end table in the living room as they head toward the front door in a bizarre game of tag.
"Please don't run from me, honey. Please stay here," Olivia begs in a choked tone, terrified that Amanda is going to race out into the wintry dawn in her distraught state and get hit by a car or worse. "I know it was so hard to tell me all of this and it's so hard to accept what has happened, but I'm very glad you finally told me. Things are going to start getting better from now on, I promise."
"You can't possibly know that," Amanda says flatly, pausing momentarily in her escape to glare at her again but the scowl quickly dissolving into an expression of hopelessness. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
"I will keep it," Olivia insists firmly, her breathing labored as she stands there on shaking legs, trying to regain her composure and rein in her emotions. "You can count on me, Amanda."
The small detective exhales loudly and bows her head, her shoulders slumping as she takes another step toward the door and lifts her hand to rest on the knob.
"Please don't leave," Olivia repeats softly, racking her brain for what she can possibly say or do to make Amanda remain in the apartment and continue opening up to her. "You're not even dressed, honey. You don't have a coat. It's dark and freezing out there. Stay here with me where it's warm and safe. Let me take care of you."
"Because I can't take care of myself, right?" Amanda sneers in return, her fingers fumbling with one of the many locks Olivia has on her door.
"That's not what I said."
"Yes, you did. In the bedroom, you said I could barely function. That doesn't sound like someone who can take care of themselves, does it?"
"Amanda, please don't make this more difficult than it already is," Olivia sighs wearily as she scrubs her hands over her face and back through her hair, smoothing out the sweaty tangles and smearing tears across her skin "I know you're going through a horrible time right now and I'm trying not to lose my patience here."
"That's what I do best, though, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"Making things more difficult," Amanda confirms quietly, that shame evident in her voice again. "If I had just sat on that damn bed in that damn motel room and not tried to get away, then everything would have been fine and he wouldn't have done what he did..."
"Amanda, what Bucci did to you is not your fault. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do in that motel room. And he is not going to get away with it, do you hear me?"
"But you said this would just stay between us," Amanda whispers as she unlocks the door and then re-locks it again, repeating the process a few more times as her gaze focuses on the floor.
"What?" Olivia's brows furrow in confusion as she watches Amanda's actions and observes the tension in her body, the continuous clicking and unclicking of the lock melding into an unceasingly irritating distraction.
"In your office, you said I had your word that whatever I told you would stay between the two of us."
"So you don't want to pursue this?" Olivia asks in shock, recalling their conversation and her desperation for the other woman to confide in her; to finally get everything out in the open so she could begin to move forward and heal.
Amanda sighs and shrugs, swaying unsteadily on her feet as her hand falls away from the lock and lays limply at her side, looking pale and dejected and racked with indecision.
"Oh honey, you're exhausted," Olivia chastises softly, taking a cautious step toward her and holding her arms out slightly in case Amanda loses her balance and falls. "Why don't you come back to bed and get some more sleep? Or just sit down on the couch for a minute? We don't have to talk about this right now. There's plenty of time later. You need to get some rest."
Inside of doing either, Amanda's legs seem to give way as she slides slowly down the front of the door until she is sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor, her head lowered and her face obscured by a curtain of golden hair. Olivia stands quietly over her for a moment before crouching down in front of her so they are on the same level and trying to initiate eye contact, much in the same way she had done when Amanda was huddled inside the closet.
An awkward silence weighed down with despair stretches out between them and Olivia can hear the alarm going off in her bedroom, the obnoxious noise informing her that it's time to start getting ready for work. The precinct is the last thing on her mind right now as she gazes at Amanda in concern, the younger woman folded in on herself and looking completely done not only with this conversation but life in general.
Olivia struggles to think of something to say that won't receive a snarl or a brush off or another escape attempt in return and can't come up with anything, comforting or otherwise. She reaches up to wipe away the tears that are still leaking one after the other from her eyes, unable to contain the sorrow she feels for Amanda and wishing there was something she could do to make things better for her but feeling entirely helpless as she observes her torment.
"I hate that word," Amanda suddenly murmurs, finally looking up from the floor and locking gazes with Olivia, her expression agonized and her voice soft. "Rape. It's such an ugly word. An ugly word for an ugly act."
Olivia nods in agreement without verbally responding, inching closer to her on the tiles and longing to take the quivering form of her detective into her arms again in an effort to soothe away her pain.
"You know I haven't been able to say it until now?" Amanda continues in a near whisper. "I haven't been able to admit that Bucci raped me and that it happened to me in a motel room again. What are the odds?" She gives a humorless chuckle, her tone completely devoid of mirth and her eyes full of misery. "I guess I'm just really unlucky, huh?"
"I'm sorry," Olivia whispers back as another flood of tears blur her vision, scolding herself for being unable to stay composed while Amanda sits in front of her, dry-eyed and calm. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, not just with Bucci but with Patton too. I wish I could take all of this away from you and you didn't have to go through it."
"No, I'm sorry," Amanda says in a stronger voice after another lengthy pause, as if something has just occurred to her, Olivia watching as she moves slightly closer to her on the floor so their knees are now touching, Amanda regarding her intently. "You must think I'm a pretty heartless person for just sitting here doing nothing while you cry, especially after you've done so much to comfort me. I know it must be awful to listen to all of this."
"God, Amanda, no, I don't think that at all," Olivia replies with a frown, surprised and deeply touched when the blonde lays a small, trembling hand over her own, the pad of her thumb lightly stroking her skin. "I'm the one who's sorry, okay? I'm so sorry I couldn't get to you in time. I hate that you've been hurt so badly again and I couldn't save you. But I'm so glad you saved yourself, honey. You're strong and you're smart and you got out of that situation alive."
"Liv, you've been spending so much time telling me it's not my fault," Amanda replies softly with an undertone of ferocity, Olivia feeling a firm squeeze on her hand. "But you need to be telling yourself the same thing. It's not your fault either. You tried so hard to find me. You did everything you could. I'm so grateful to have you as a boss and a friend, even though I haven't been acting like it."
Olivia struggles to hold back another round of tears, giving a tremulous smile at Amanda's words and wondering if she will ever be able to let go of this guilt that has had such a powerful hold on her these past few months and finally be able to forgive yourself. She decides to take a chance, gently letting go of Amanda's hand and opening her arms instead, her heart bursting with compassion and affection when the blonde leans over and lets herself be enveloped in a tight embrace.
They sit on the cold, hard floor, wrapped snugly around each other for several minutes, Olivia soaking in Amanda's comfort as she gives her own comfort in return, relieved that the younger woman is still here with her and not wandering around outside in the darkness, alone in her devastation. Her alarm is still blaring in the bedroom but she continues to ignore it in favor of holding Amanda and running soothing fingers through her hair, not ready to let her go just yet. She feels a pair of lips next to her ear a moment later, Amanda's voice ragged and exhausted but ringing with a tentative resolve that has been absent lately.
"Maybe we can try, Liv."
"Try what?" Olivia whispers tenderly, feeling a twinge of hope but waiting until Amanda finishes speaking before saying anything else.
"Try to go after Bucci for what he's done; to put a voice to what happened to me instead of staying silent about it, and to let him know that the shame belongs only to him."
Olivia pulls away just enough so they are looking one another in the eye, their arms still looped around each other's backs as that hint of hope strengthens profusely, along with a soaring sense of pride for her detective's courage. "Hell, yes, we can try. I will be with you every step of the way, if that's what you choose to do, and so will our squad. But are you sure about this, honey? Are you ready?"
"Not quite," Amanda admits with a slow shake of her head and a trace of a brave smile. "I might need some more time to come to terms with what happened and sort out this mess inside my head. But I think I'll get there eventually. And when I'm ready, we'll get justice together, Liv."