After seven whole months of pain, suffering, and pure hell, Hotch made the announcement that turned their world upside down all over again. Derek couldn't comprehend it right away.

"Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team," Hotch began. "As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her, and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration." Derek looked around the room to see if anyone was comprehending better than him. "Her identity was strictly need to know, and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security."

"She's alive?" Penelope asked with shaking breath. It was the same conclusion Derek was desperate to jump to, but unable to let himself until he heard the words directly from Hotch.

"But we buried her," Reid said. Derek felt the squeeze on his heart once again.

"As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision," Hotch said. "If anyone has any issues they should be directed toward me."

"Any issues?" Derek was incredulous. "Yeah, I got issues!"

But then Emily was walking through the door, taking the air right out of his lungs. He couldn't believe his eyes. It was like one of his dreams that were way too few and far between.

"Oh my God," Penelope said.

Emily made her way around the room, hugging everyone. "I am so sorry, I really am. Not a day went by that I didn't want to," Emily's eyes locked with Derek's. "Really, I…"

Derek felt all the pain and relief in his whole body in one big jolt when her eyes met his. He never thought he would get to look into those eyes again. He couldn't process quickly enough.

Emily walked towards Derek. "You didn't deserve that, and I'm so sorry." She put her arms around him, sighing at the feel of him after seven cold months. After a moment's delay, he returned the hug, his strong hand landing on her shoulder.

Emily longed for his arms to squeeze her tight and slide down her back the way they always used to. She could tell he wasn't jumping right back into her arms, and it wasn't just because the team was there.

"There's so much I want to tell you guys, and I will, I promise. But right now I really need to know what's going on with Declan."

So went her first days back. One team continuing to work towards their goal, but with the layers of distrust, hurt, and also elation.

Emily didn't pretend to believe Derek would take her back with open arms. It was going to take time. The whole time she was in Paris she knew day by day their relationship was being destroyed, possibly irreparably. Her heart broke over that again and again.

Emily decided not to push it. She couldn't turn everything around overnight, not with Derek, not with any of her friends. Penelope, to her credit, wasted no time being hurt. She wasn't going to take the gift of having Emily back for granted.

Penelope also kept her mouth shut despite her curiosity about Derek and Emily given what he had shared with her. She wanted them to know that happiness, but she knew she couldn't push them together and it was best not to get involved. Normally she might meddle a little bit, but everyone had been so tense lately.

Rossi had the team over for dinner. The case and senate hearing were tied up, but there was much repairing to be done within the team. Reid was angry, Morgan was angry, Prentiss was just trying to work her way back. Rossi figured pasta and wine couldn't hurt the situation.

Emily was grateful for a scenario to knock their guards down. She wanted to talk to Derek that night, and the wine would give her courage.

Actually, she wanted to do more than talk. But she wasn't going to kid herself that he would take her back that quickly. Or maybe at all.

The night was having a positive effect on the team, everyone enjoying each other's company. Even Reid seemed to be softening a little. After dinner, most of them were in the kitchen, either helping Rossi with dessert or helping clean up from dinner. Emily was able to catch Derek's eye and signal for him to walk away with her. They moved into Rossi's sitting room, both too tense to actually sit.

Here goes, Emily thought. When was the next time they would both have the added help of a couple of glasses of wine?

"We haven't really had a chance to talk," Emily began weakly. Derek didn't say anything, letting her continue. She was hoping she would be able to read what he needed to hear, but no such luck. "Are you pissed at me too?"

"How can I be? You're here," he said genuinely.

"Thank you. Because I want you to know that I would never have put you through that if I'd had any other choice."

"It was seven months of hell."

"For me too. I mean, I know you all had it worse. But I missed you, Derek. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, Emily. You being back, it just still doesn't feel real."

"You're waiting for the other shoe."

"I guess I am. I don't know what I feel. I'm confused. Anxious about losing you again. You being back still all feels too good to be true."

"We can work with that." His answer gave her some relief.

Derek pulled Emily into a warm hug, arms quickly tightening. Nothing felt better. They enjoyed the embrace for a few moments. Excited chatter carried in from the kitchen, so they knew the rest of their crew was otherwise occupied.

"I want to go back to where we were before all of this," Emily admitted quietly.

"I don't," Derek said. Emily pulled away from the embrace to look in his eyes. She knew she didn't really have a right to, but she felt hurt. Derek continued. "I want more than what we had before."

"I…" Emily struggled for words.

Derek kept speaking. "Let me say this, Em. I didn't think it would be in Rossi's living room, but I'm afraid I'll never get back the nerve." He grasped her arms, eyes looking deeply into hers. "I'm in love with you, Emily. It took thinking I had lost you forever for me to admit it. But I can't go back to what we were before. I want all or nothing. And you don't have to answer me today. But I have to know. If you don't feel the same, I'll never bring it up again. I'm sure Hotch would even quit partnering us up if we asked. But I had to say it. I have to know how you feel."

Emily had danced around those thoughts all these years, not even letting herself enjoy them in the privacy of her own mind. And here he was saying everything there could be to say. She couldn't formulate a sentence quickly enough.

Derek released his grasp on her. "Don't say anything now. But please, just give me an answer eventually. You owe me that much."

Derek walked away and Emily was left standing there dumbfounded. She heard him give Rossi a quick goodbye and thank you, and then he was out the door.

Emily briefly thought maybe the right thing to do was follow him. But he deserved a more thought out answer than she could currently give. She's still standing in the same spot, mouth open like a trout.

She also couldn't exactly run out the door after him without the rest of the group raising eyebrows. Plus, this night was somewhat contingent on her. She was the one who they kept looking at like an alien.

So Emily straightened her shoulders, wiped the emotion from her face, and confidently walked back into the kitchen.

"Where did Morgan have to be?" JJ asked.

"I don't know, some sort of errand." Emily betted on no one prying and she was correct.

Emily ought to have just left because she wasn't very present in the conversation taking place around the tiramisu. Derek loves her! Loves! Of course she felt something for him too. He made her feel safe and cared for. But did she feel enough? Emily had spent so much time shutting those thoughts down.

It wasn't a question of if she loved him back. Of course she loved him back! It was a question of where those feelings could lead. With Emily's track record, nowhere. And then where would they be? A broken up team, a broken up partnership, the loss of her best friend. There was so much to lose.

Not to mention what the FBI would have to say about it. One of them could wind up transferred out. Was she willing to risk that for herself? She certainly didn't want Derek to be forced into a transfer just to be with her. She couldn't let herself be the cause of that.

But she had to admire Derek for saying it. Clearly he was looking at all there was to gain. Meanwhile, all she could think about was everything they stood to lose.

He wanted her to think on it and then go give him a clear yes or no. Clean. Decisive.

But she couldn't do that. She had to talk to him and find out if he shared the same fears about everything that would change if they went there.

"I'm so sorry," Emily said to the group. "I have to go."