Brace yourselves, my friends. I'm on an alternate universe rollercoaster of chaos, and I can't control myself.

I needed to write about 'bad boy Arnold' at least ONCE in my life. I'm purging my inner Hey Arnold demons (AKA: my kinks and crack ships) It's cathartic, OKAY!? lmao. I promise it's an Arnold x Helga fic! Bear with me momentarily.

Side note: Everyone is still from Hillwood, but (almost) everyone went to different schools!

There were two things Helga Pataki knew for certain; first, she had an unbelievably horrible hangover. Secondly, she was currently being spooned by a very naked man in a completely unfamiliar place to her. It was still early in the morning, so the room was dim and difficult to see. All she could tell was the room was sparse, and tiny. Okay, I'm in a dorm room. she noted. The biggest concern on her mind was how the hell did she get here? There was a party last night, and she had shown up with one of her roommates. The memories got blurry after she had joined up with some of her friends and classmates. Who was there again? Rhonda… Park… Nadine… Sid… and… As if on cue, her bedmate began stirring behind her, groaning at his own hangover. She knew she had to bite the bullet and face the music, turning her head and going nose to nose with- "Gerald!?" she balked. There was no fucking way she slept with her annoying former lab partner last night! NO WAY! He was a basketball jock and an overall moron. She had zero interest in him! Despite her protests, she vaguely began recalling cursing at each other, tequila shots, and tongues being involved at some point.

Gerald was struggling to focus on her despite being millimeters from his face. "What the-?" The reality of their current position seemed to be hitting him. "HELGA!?"

They both recoiled, with Helga rolling away and promptly landing on the floor. "Holy shit, keep your voice down! My head is pounding."

He sat up in the bed, furiously rubbing his temples. "Please tell me this is a nightmare. There's no way we fucked last night!"

"Unless you keep used condoms on your floor, Geraldo, then it's safe to assume we did." Helga was eyeing the offending piece of evidence, just a few inches from her.

"I'm never drinking with you again." he muttered under his breath.

"Hey! Don't blame me!"

"I'm not! I blame alcohol. Fuck!" He fell back against his pillow. Helga scoffed at his petulance, deciding to brush off the whole ordeal and get the hell out of there while she still had a tiny sliver of dignity. She wordlessly began searching for her discarded clothing from the previous night, snapping her bra on and hastily pulling her pants up her thighs despite being unable to find her underwear and shirt. "… Hey." The softness of Gerald's voice made her pause. He was sitting back up, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck and keeping his eyes trained on his lap. "I was really drunk last night… and… I just want to make sure we're good, you know? I didn't… do something inappropriate?"

Even though she'd never admit it out loud, Gerald Johanssen wasn't nearly as pig headed as Helga thought. She sat next to him on the bed with a sigh, offering a comforting pat on his shoulder. "I might not remember every detail from last night, but it was one hundred percent consensual, Gerald. No need to start questioning your integrity! Besides-" she cupped the side of his face, pulling him in for a kiss and trailing her fingers down his bare chest. "It was fun."

Her playfulness seemed to ease his concerns. She could feel him relax against her touch. "You're still a pain in the ass, Pataki."

"You're no picnic either, Johanssen." She chuckled. "That's the beauty of one-night stands, though! We don't have to pretend we like each other once the post-nut clarity hits."

"Very true!" He playfully pushed her away from him. "Now get the rest of your clothes on! I'm tired of looking at your B-cups."

"I'd love to, but I can't find my freakin shirt!" She abandoned her spot on the bed in search of her lost shirt once again. "Your room is basically empty; how does it just disappear!?"

"Just borrow one of my shirts. I'll look for yours later." He was already on the move to his closet, still stark naked. She casually eyed his firm backside. I could have done worse. "Here." He tossed her a red shirt with their college logo on it. By the time she slipped it over her head, Gerald had put a pair of sweatpants on. "You sure we're cool? I shouldn't plan on you pining for me the next time we run into each other?" He ducked just in time to miss being struck by Helga's wayward shoe.

"One-night stand means ONE-NIGHT, bucko. I don't have plans to cling on to you. Plus, you aren't my type at all." Helga had been having a dry spell with her sex life as of late, going on six months before last night. Not that she wasn't interested in sex. She chalked it up to being busy last semester with her part time job and school. Helga refused to accept that her celibacy had been a result of a messy break up with her ex. After the events of last night, she felt a sense of freedom now that she'd finally slept with someone else.

The two exchanged one last awkward goodbye before Helga slipped out into the dormitory hallway to make her escape. It was seven in the morning on a Sunday; students weren't going to be meandering around the halls just yet. The dreaded 'walk of shame' was avoided.

Helga lived a few blocks from campus in a sizable house she rented a room from. All the other tenants were students as well, of varying ages. She managed to snag one of the refurbished basement bedrooms, which offered a lot more privacy and a separate bathroom from the upstairs. The only other person she shared the space with was her friend Phoebe, who was a saint. She was studious, quiet, and considerate. Essentially all the things Helga wasn't.

"Good morning, Helga." Rhonda, one of her other roommates, surprised her upon entry into the house. The two of them had gone to the party together last night, and given her current shit eating grin, Helga surmised she knew exactly what happened last night. "I just boiled water in the kettle; in case you want some tea for your stomach." She was currently cradling a mug in her hands, indicating her own hangover queasiness.

"Thanks." Helga went into the kitchen without another word, with Rhonda right on her tail. Her first stop was the bottle of communal aspirin on the counter, taking two tablets with a swig of tap water. Rhonda watched in silence as Helga grabbed a mug, a tea ball, and the loose tea leaves. It didn't take long for her composure to crack, "Can I help you with something, princess?"

Rhonda hid her smirk behind her mug as she took a sip of the steaming liquid. "So… was the captain of the basketball team all he's hyped up to be in bed?"

Helga gasped, spilling an entire scoop of tea leaves on the counter. This motherfucker. "Tequila wiped out most of the memories, Rhonda. Sorry to disappoint." She dunked the tea ball into the water in her mug before fully turning her attention to her nosey roommate. "Care to explain why you let me leave with him? You know I don't do hook ups with random assholes!" Helga angrily pointed to the baggy shirt hanging off her frame, "I had to borrow his freakin shirt! And my underwear went missing! I'm thoroughly humiliated."

"You two were practically dry humping in the middle of the party. Who was I to keep you from scoring with a hottie? But for the record, I did try and stop you, but you told me-" she made air quotes, "Crimeny! I haven't gotten any dick in months! Back off!"

"Shit."

"I never would have guessed you liked him enough to fuck him-"

"I don't like him like that!" She grimaced. "Let's call a spade a spade; it was absolutely a hate fuck! We've spent the last semester fighting over a Bunsen burner. We got everything out of our systems last night, and that's that." Helga rued the day she was forced to work with Gerald as her lab partner in their chemistry class. She also blamed the school for forcing students to take non-major courses as a graduation requirement.

"At least you won't have to see him in class anymore." Rhonda shrugged. "The new semester starts tomorrow."

"Thank god."

"Maybe you can find a new boy toy!" she teased.

Helga scoffed at that, "The only toy I need is in my bedside drawer." She wasn't lying. She'd gone this long without a partner until now.

Helga typically preferred relationships for herself, rather than a hookup. Last night was only the second one-night stand she's had in her life. The first one happened in her freshman year; with a junior she'd met at the school library. It was completely on a whim after some innocent flirting back and forth. Unlike her romp with Gerald, she was stone cold sober the entire time. She didn't hate the hookup with that guy, but she felt empty once it was over. Strangely enough, she wasn't feeling the same emptiness this time around. It must be the alcohol. She reasoned with herself. Either that, or she's evolved in the last few years. No matter the reason, she was glad it was over and done with. Her main goal was to graduate next year, and getting into another entanglement wasn't in the cards for her.

No more obsessing over stupid guys.

The campus was abuzz Monday morning on account of the start of the new semester. Teachers typically forced students to show up for the first day of class, or else they're dropped from the course entirely. The day-to-day attendance was a toss up after that, depending on how badly you wanted to ace the class. Helga woke up earlier than usual for her sociology class in hopes of getting a decent seat in the back of the classroom. She wasn't looking forward to attending another class the school required for general education. Thankfully, this was one of the final required classes she had to take.

A familiar face was there to greet her outside the classroom door. "Hey, Park! You have the 8:30 class too?"

"Regretfully." He sighed. "Why can't every class start after 10? It's too early for this!"

"Believe me, I hear ya." She nodded in agreement. "Anyway, I'm heading inside-" Her head nearly collided with the wall after receiving a shove from someone entering the class behind her, also causing her bag to fall from her shoulder and scattering its contents on the floor. "What the fuck?" a brooding, stocky brunette man stood there in silence, simply glaring at her. I'm not doing this. Not today. She knelt to the floor to collect her things.

A pair of legs appeared on her left in her peripherals, "Geez, Ludwig! You don't have to be such a brute. At least say you're sorry!" They knelt beside her and started helping her collect her things.

"You don't have to-" Her words became trapped in her throat when their gazes met. Holy fuck. What kind of Adonis bullshit am I looking at right now? Helga had never seen him before, but she certainly wouldn't forget his face any time soon. He was ridiculously handsome, blonde, and had the most entrancing green eyes she's ever seen. "Uh… I…" she instantly became a babbling moron under his gentle gaze. "T-thanks." She accepted the stack of books and papers he held out to her.

"No problem." He smiled, nearly causing her ovaries to explode from her abdomen.

She was broken from her trance when Park nudged her from the right, holding the rest of the stuff from her bag. When did he get down here? "Thanks, Park." In those few short moments, the mystery guy had already left. "Who was that?" She whispered.

"No idea!" He shrugged. "I've never seen him around. Probably a different major."

Helga hastily stuffed the rest of the contents of her bag under her arm so she could quickly catch another glimpse of the handsome stranger in their classroom. He sat a few levels up in the platformed seats, casually leaning on the small desk and scrolling through his phone.

Adonis doesn't even begin to describe that perfection. She internally swooned. Helga had never felt such an instantaneous attraction before, it almost alarmed her how much she wanted him. Taking slow, measured steps, she walked up the aisle in hopes he would take notice of her again. He didn't, and her heart sank a little. Of course he doesn't notice me, I'm wearing sweatpants and have a messy bun on the top of my head! The guy who pushed her earlier, Ludwig, was also sitting in the back row. "Fantastic." She muttered, taking a seat as far from him as she could, which also happened to have a spectacular view of her mystery Adonis' profile. Admittedly, the guy had the oddest shaped head she's ever seen, but it suited him somehow. It's like an adorable little football. A dreamy sigh escaped her before she could stop it.

As the other students began trickling in, someone sat at the desk next to him. They seemed to be friends. He was rocking a bowl cut, bespectacled, and extremely loud and eccentric. "Where were you on Saturday, Arnold!? The guys were waiting for you!"

Helga's heartbeat sped up, "Arnold." The name flowed off the tip of her tongue like the sweetest honey. She couldn't hear Arnold's reply to his friend, which was a damn shame.

Class was impossible to focus on. She couldn't stop staring at Arnold and fantasizing. He looks like the type of guy who'd help old ladies cross the street. He probably reads to the blind or some shit-

"Big mistake." A deep voice whispered from her right, startling her. Ludwig had moved over several seats.

"Excuse me?" She recoiled at his closeness.

He gestured towards Arnold. "That guy. You think I'm a jerk? He's worse. Trust me, I've known him for years."

Helga's eyes drifted back to Arnold, who was currently focusing on the professor in front of them. "Who's to say you aren't some kind of sadistic serial killer? I have no reason to believe you." He nearly slammed her skull into a wall earlier. Whatever came from Ludwig's mouth was invalid to her.

"Don't say I didn't warn you." He shrugged. "Enjoy being trapped in the birdcage."

What the fuck does that mean?

Helga had a bad habit. She didn't necessarily consider it 'bad', but others might frown upon her… proclivity to observe her intended targets. It's the main reason she wanted to enter the journalism field: she's damn good at getting information at all costs.

Arnold turned out to be a difficult target. Helga's usual methods were failing her the last week she'd been 'observing' him. He was a squirrelly one, that's for sure. Based on her limited knowledge of his movements; she knew he lived off campus as well. He stopped at the same coffee shop every morning, and he hung out with a small number of people, all of them were males.

The main thing she noticed over the last week that gave her pause was… his smile never reached his eyes. Whenever he was around his friends, he was always smiling and laughing. He was faking it. She was far from a body language expert, but she could see the forced nature of his cheeriness. This was clearly a practiced and perfected behavior. It made Helga wonder why he was forcing himself to act happy go lucky. Lord knows she refused to do so nearly every day of her life. People piss her off, and she had no problem showing it.

By the following Monday morning, Helga was questioning her abilities. Her information on Arnold was hardly useful. She became a puddle on the floor the last time he talked to her, so how was she supposed to continue her… investigation? She was restless the entire class, sighing and shifting in her seat. Why do you evade me, football head? Ooh, that's a good one. She scribbled the new nickname down in her notebook with a little heart next to it. When class was over, Helga had to stay behind to finish the notes on the overhead projector that she was too distracted to write down earlier.

She didn't notice when Arnold took a seat next to her. He set his chin in his palm, watching her in amusement. "Hey." She let out an embarrassingly loud gasp when she finally looked up at him. "Sorry for startling you."

Oh god, he's beautiful up close.

"It's fine."

Stay cool Helga old girl, STAY COOL-

"I didn't introduce myself last time. I'm Arnold." He offered her his hand with that disingenuous smile she'd come to know.

She waited a beat before meeting his hand halfway, "Helga."

"Nice to properly meet you." His gaze flicked to her notebook before going back to her. There was a visible shift in his demeanor. "Are you free later?"

"Uh…" Helga had to be dreaming, it was the only conclusion she could come up with. "Yeah. Why?"

He leaned closer, making her heart rate spike. "So… you're down?"

"Down?" She found herself getting completely lost in those gorgeous green eyes.

"Yeah, to have sex." He stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Every fantasy in Helga's head came to a screeching halt. "WHAT!?"

Arnold flinched at her outburst but didn't move away from her. "You've been following me all week. I heard through the grapevine that you're a journalism major, so at first, I thought you were writing a hit piece on me or something." He reached over, tapping his index finger against her notebook. Her eyes drifted over to it. That damned 'Football head' with a heart was beneath his finger. "Your persistence is commendable. It was kind of like a game of cat and mouse… though I'm not sure who was the cat in this situation." His voice was dripping with pure seduction. "I was waiting for you to catch me. But I got tired of waiting, so I'm catching you instead."

Helga was mortified. She had made sure she was careful the last week! "No!" She blurted.

"No?" Arnold immediately leaned back. He seemed genuinely surprised. "Wait… You-" The reality of her rejection was sinking in. "You weren't looking to hook up?"

"Hold on! Crimeny. My head is spinning over here!" She cupped her head in her hands, sighing deeply. "I'll own up to following you, okay? I was… Curious, I guess. You're a fucking enigma." And sexy. VERY sexy.

"What?" he chuckled. "Alright. I'll buy that for now. So, tell me…" the tone of his voice changed once again, returning to flirtatious. "What did you learn?"

Helga was quickly realizing that Arnold was completely different than the image she created in her mind, but at the same time… He still riled her up. There was undeniable electricity forming between them. The chemistry was intense. If he wanted to come on strong, she could volley it right back. "Not enough to spread my legs for you, football head."

"I can't say I'm a fan of the nickname." His teeth raked across his bottom lip, which Helga watched intently. "My next class isn't for two hours. You sure you don't want to?"

She sighed, "I'm not big on random hookups, Arnold. We hardly know each other." No matter how tempted Helga was feeling, she was still reeling from her last unexpected one-night stand last week. Besides, Arnold wasn't supposed to be a hookup! At least… in her mind he wasn't.

He didn't seem deterred by her hesitance, if anything, it spurred him on. "Then ask me anything." He gestured to himself with a grin. "I'm an open book!"

"Why do you pretend to smile like that? You do it all the time."

An indiscernible emotion flickered across his eyes momentarily before returning to their usual twinkle. "Let's just call it a 'conditioned response'. We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if I was scowling when we met, right?"

"I do nothing but scowl, yet here you are."

"Touché."

"Look, as much as I find this back-and-forth banter between us fascinating, I have places to be, Arnoldo." She stuffed her notebook into her bag and stood up to leave. There was something satisfying about being the one to leave him wanting.

"Another nickname, I see." He followed closely behind her as they left the classroom. "Can I at least get your number?"

She glanced over her shoulder at him. The ability to play coy didn't come naturally to her. Logically, she wanted to say no and make him work for it. "Okay." I'm such a fucking sellout. The two reached out and held their phones together, name dropping their contact information. "Arnold Shortman." She read it aloud.

"Helga Pataki." He mirrored with a wink. "I look forward to getting to know you."

She wasn't sure she could ever win against an opponent as skillful as Arnold, but she sure as hell was going to try. He didn't know what she was made of. It was officially game on.

As much as it pained Helga to admit it; she needed advice. Her situation with Arnold was confusing at best. She was attracted to him, ridiculously so. She'd also gladly have sex with him… under the right circumstances. But something was off about him, and she couldn't put her finger on it. Maybe it was the friendly farce he presented, or his dodgy behavior and blasé attitude towards sex. It puzzled her why he was suddenly interested in someone like herself, even after knowing she was following him around for an entire week like a lunatic.

"A guy randomly offered to have sex with me today." Three of her roommates slowly turned their heads toward her. Rhonda immediately paused the episode of 'RuPaul's Drag Race' they were currently watching in their living room. When Rhonda willingly paused her show, you knew she was intrigued. "Don't look at me like that, I turned him down!" She reassured them.

"Do you know the guy?" Connie asked. She was the eldest of her roommates, and fairly experienced in the romance department.

"He helped me pick up my books off the floor last week. So, no. I don't know him."

"Goodness." Phoebe gasped. "What made him ask?"

"I don't know, Phoebs! That's what made it random!" There was no way in hell she was going to mention that she stalked him the week prior. "He came up to me after class and asked me if I was available later today. When I said yes, he immediately assumed I was agreeing to fuck him. It was weird!"

"Please tell me he's hot at least!"

"Jesus, Connie!" Her eyes rolled. "Yes! Arnold is gorgeous, but I don't think-"

"Did you say Arnold?" Rhonda finally spoke up. "As in; Arnold Shortman?"

Helga eyed her curiously, "Yes. That's him."

"Oh SHIT!" She exclaimed, causing everyone to jump. "Did he ask you to become one of his birds!?"

"What the actual fuck does that mean, Rhonda? A bird!?"

"Wait… you really don't know about him!?" The confused stares from her roommates gave her the answer she needed. "That guy has one of the most infamous reputations in school." She lowered her voice to a whisper, as if a random stranger was going to overhear them in their own house, "He'll sleep with ANY girl who asks."

"Oh please, princess!" Helga chortled. "You can't believe everything you hear!"

"It's the truth! He makes no attempts to hide his… activities. My best friend Nadine had a class with him last year, and by the end of the semester, he'd slept with nearly every girl that approached him once word got out about his… Services. From what I hear, when he isn't on the prowl he has a series of regulars he sleeps with. Everyone calls them his 'birds', you know? Because they flock to him. Being one of his birds means you get more than a one-night stand."

A chill ran up Helga's spine. Ludwig's warning repeated in her mind:

'Enjoy being trapped in the birdcage.'

"Birdcage." She whispered. "Birds… hold the fucking phone! Was he seriously trying to audition me to be one of his birds!?"

"It certainly sounds like it." Phoebe winced, gently patting Helga's hand. "At least you told him no! A guy like that will only break your heart."

"Hm… Interesting." Was all Connie offered to this powwow.

I should have known better. How stupid could I be!? He was never interested in me as a person.

But then again, she had to remind herself that she was the one making outlandish assumptions about him in the first place. He didn't do anything wrong towards her, technically. It was a freakish misunderstanding. "Shit… I need to talk to him." She concluded, pulling her phone from her pocket to type out a text message.

"You gave him your number!? Oh, Helga." She could hear the disappointment in Phoebe's voice.

"It's just a phone number, Phoebs. I didn't hand myself over on a silver platter! Chill out."

'We need to talk. Can you meet me at the café in an hour?'

His response was almost instantaneous.

Arnold: 'Hmm... Alright, I'm in.😉'

You bet your sweet ass I had Gerald and Helga screw each other! Those two have haunted me FOREVER. I saw an old DM on here with a fellow writer, and I was like "Gerald x Helga are my crack ship. The amount of tension those two have is insane! I NEED THEM TO KISS SOMEDAY." Welp... I've done my duty.

As of right now, this thing will be 4 chapters long. I specifically chose that number for the chapter titles to align. IT'S IMPORTANT! lol.

This story is 1,000,000,000% named after the song by The Jackson 5 (I'm a Michael Jackson simp, if you haven't figured it out yet with my username!)

The lyrics of the song will tell you exactly why I need four chapters! xD

S is for "Save it"

T is for "Take it slow"

O is for "Oh, no!"

P is for "Please, please, don't go!"