Chapter XCIII - Without You
She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed there.
Her whole body was shivering and she didn't know if it was from the cold or from what was happening.
What was happening? She didn't understand anything.
Was it really true? Could all those horrible things really be true? It felt like a nightmare come to life and she desperately hoped it was just that. But the cruel feeling clenching her heart told her otherwise.
Was it really him in that burning building? She couldn't tell. He was…
Even the thought was too painful. A guttural scream left her lips, followed by desperate sobs.
This couldn't be true. How could this be true? How could this happen? How could the Gods allow something so horrible to happen?
She… recognized his hand. The hand that just a moment ago was stroking through her hair lovingly, warming her in the night. The rings symbolizing their love and affection. And all of that was… gone.
Dead.
That word rang in her head like a curse, unable to leave her. It was surreal.
This wasn't fair. None of it was fair. None of this was supposed to happen. She knew that the Brotherhood was this ever-present danger in their life and it felt so real. But it was never real. It never felt like this. It never felt like it would actually happen.
But it did.
How could this happen?!
How could anyone do something like this? Why would anyone take him from her? It wasn't fair! How could something so painful be fair?
How could she ever go on without him?
She let them get away. Those bastards. They should have suffered. She should have brought them so much pain for what they did, even though she would never be able to bring them as much pain as they brought her.
Everything hurt. How was it that every inch of her body was wrecked with mind-numbing pain? She wanted it to stop but it was just getting worse and worse by the second. Or minute. How long has it been? She couldn't tell.
What if the pain never stopped?
What if it was all like this forever?
Because… why would it stop?
He was never coming back.
This would never stop. He would never hold her again, he would never talk to her again, he would never be around.
Please, make it stop!
Why was this happening?!
She couldn't even see anything. She didn't know if her eyes were closed or not, but there was an image of the charred corpse in her head, permanently embedded in there. Only sometimes it alternated with the image of Bishop's severed hand.
That was all she had left of him? The images of his gruesome death? How was that fair? Why couldn't she think about his voice, his smile, his touch? Why did she have to keep thinking about this?
Maybe thinking about the things she loved would hurt even more though.
She couldn't stand this.
The air was heavy both with smoke and moisture. She didn't know if it was her tears that choked her or the smoke. Did it even matter? She wondered if Bishop was killed before they burned him or if they made him suffer the horrible pain.
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Please, make it stop!
How could he leave her?!
What am I going to do without you?
The images were still there. She tried to open her eyes, which she only barely registered to be closed, but her sight was too blurry. She only saw white in front of her. And the horrible images.
It had never hurt like this. Not when Thorn broke her and she had to leave Bishop. Not when she regained consciousness naked in the wood with the taste of human flesh in her mouth and Aela and Skjor laughing at her. Not when she learned Master Therien was slowly dying. Nothing has ever hurt this much.
It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair!
Why wasn't he here? Why didn't he hear her cries? Why didn't he come and take her into his arms and comfort her? He always did. Why wasn't he here?
Everything was gone. Everything she clung to, her life, her heart, it all felt empty. This place took everything.
She wasn't even sure how she did it through the pain, but she found herself sitting in the snow. A bright glow disturbed her blurry, teary vision.
The flames. They still danced merrily along the inn. As if they didn't cause this. As if they didn't take away everything that mattered.
She couldn't look at them anymore.
She… she had to get out of here.
A cruel pain stabbed at her heart.
It would really be over. She was leaving him here. How could she leave him here?
But she couldn't stand the sight. It hurt too much. And what was in that building… it wasn't him. It wasn't him when he couldn't talk to her, smile at her. When he couldn't be there with her.
She averted her eyes from the fire. Fire always caused her so much pain. Why did it have to take the most precious thing in her life too?
She tried to wipe away her tears. More came immediately, followed by more desperate sobs, but she could see a little better. She saw the two brown lumps nearby.
Their packs. Bishop's things.
The only things she would have left.
She would never have a second more of him by her side. She would never get to see him again.
She wanted to destroy those who did it. But… how? Where would she go? What was she even supposed to do? She had no idea. She had no clue what to do without him.
With shaky movements, she tried to get up. It took her several tries and her wet clothes were dragging her down. She felt so weak. But she wanted to leave this place. This place wouldn't get all that remained of him.
She tried to grab both the packs. It was clumsy and she considered leaving hers behind. His was much more important to preserve.
But she needed her equipment. That horrible assassin who deserved nothing but pain and death was right. Bishop would be heartbroken, wherever he was, if she let herself die needlessly. Just as heartbroken as she just was.
She just wished she would know what to do.
How could she even walk, even function, with all this pain?
Why couldn't this be a dream? The last thing she remembered, she was falling asleep, curled in his warm embrace. She would give anything to be there again.
Now she was just… lost.
And it would never get better.
...
Bishop saw the lock at the door light up, then click with the key inside it.
He was here.
Fuck.
He still hoped for something else. He couldn't help it.
Gaius entered the room with a somber expression on his face. Yeah, yeah, Bishop knew exactly what happened. He didn't need this man's long face to do the talking. He heard.
The undercover assassin approached him and outstretched his hand. Bishop propped up his palm expectantly until two familiar rings fell into it. He was glad to have them back but… it didn't help much. He could still hear the pain ringing in his ears.
He absentmindedly wiped his eyes, but still refused to look up at Gaius as he sat on some old rickety bed in an abandoned cabin in the mountains. It's been a while since he actually cried. It always made him uncomfortable, but the second he heard, he couldn't stop himself.
"She's safe," Gaius nodded at him.
Right.
"I know. I heard," Bishop mumbled almost incoherently.
"You… 'heard'?!" Gaius's eyes went wide in panic. "Heard from who?!" Right. That might have sounded weird.
"I heard her Shouts," Bishop growled. "I know she ran into the building and then attacked you." He could practically see it. He heard her use her ethereal Shout and it was clear to him why. Then he heard one he hadn't for a long time. She called the very heavens to destroy them.
He couldn't help it. He hoped so much that she managed.
He hoped she killed them. Even if it meant more trouble for them down the road, he hoped with all his heart that she killed the both of them and then he would just scream his lungs out until she heard him, until she knew he was alive.
But that didn't happen, clearly.
"Babette managed to stop her from doing more damage," Gaius sighed. "We left her to collect herself. I met up with Babette, she went to report what happened to Astrid and I was to go back to Dawnstar. I went to check on her. I… had to wait for a while, but she left eventually. She's safe. I'll have my father keep us updated on where she is and how she's doing."
Pfft, 'how she's doing'. Right. How the fuck could she be doing? Bishop was pretty sure he had never heard so much pain and anger in her voice.
"This better fucking work," he growled hatefully. He fucking hated that he did this to her. He would never forgive himself.
"It will. I promise you that it will," Gaius nodded with determination. "Now I just need to get you out of here."
"Where?" Bishop scowled. Gaius never told him.
"To my father. Perhaps that will also ease your mind a bit, to have him confirm our plans. And he will hide you better than anyone."
Well… maybe.
He still had the urge to run after Aeyrin, wherever she went, he would track her down. They'd seen the whole show, why keep tormenting her?
Fuck, he hated that he understood the reasoning. And he still worried that Gaius was willing to actually kill him if he put his plan in jeopardy.
He still couldn't believe he was doing this. He still couldn't believe he was hurting her like this.
And ironically, all he wanted right now was for her to be there for him, to tell him it was alright, to tell him they would get through this dreadful pain.
What was he going to do without her?
…
How did she get to this place?
She wasn't even sure where she was heading. She just… walked. And like a beacon, it called to her.
She walked for hours. Sometimes she kept sobbing and crying. Sometimes she felt so weak she almost collapsed onto the ground and curled up. Sometimes she just felt empty and unable to feel anything else anymore. The emotions were too much.
And after all that, she was here.
Home.
Tears blurred the image of the picturesque cottage in front of her.
How could it ever be home again? It would be nothing but pain and memories of things she could never have again. Why did they ever leave this place? They could have stayed happy here. They could have just… lived their life together.
It didn't look like it used to. She knew the skies were clear, but it felt like there were dark clouds looming just above the place she loved so much. The sight was strange, distorted. The wooden walls were less vibrant, almost grey. No… black.
Charred.
Gods.
No. Not them. Never again. They let this happen.
She tried to blink away the tears and looked away. It would be lost again. The perfect home, decrepit and abandoned. But she couldn't bear the thought of returning there.
Not without him.
Where would she go though?
Whenever tragedy struck, there was a person she could turn to. He would have kind words to her, he would comfort her. He would be there for her. She would have him, despite how alone she felt.
But… could she stand it? Could she stand the comforting words when she knew they were not going to do any good? Nothing would take away the pain.
He wouldn't understand. He knew the right things to do, but she didn't want the right things. She didn't want to hear that everything would be alright, because it wouldn't. Soon, she would lose him too and she knew it all too well.
She would lose everyone.
Who could understand that?
Before a coherent thought could form in her head, she heard a noise.
It used to make her so happy.
But now it filled her with dread.
He would know instantly.
There was another excited bark. It was painful to hear. That excitement would never return. Just like her, he would miss him forever.
And soon, the familiar wolf rushed forth from some thicket by the road and jumped at her happily.
Karnwyr.
She opened her mouth to speak his name, but no sound came out. Her throat felt like it had a heavy boulder lodged in it.
And only a second later, the dreaded moment came.
The wolf hopped back down and a concerned whine left his maw. That just tore the floodgates open again.
"Karnwyr," this time her voice made it out, but it was broken, quiet, full of pain. And it was followed by the reaction she dreaded.
A loud pained howl echoed through the Rift's forests. She felt like he was expressing all their pain for the both of them in that, all the hurting, the unimaginable loss. It was all there, raw and on the surface and for a moment, she felt herself desperately hoping that once it was out, it would be… out. Out of her.
But it wasn't. The pain remained trapped inside as she knew it would forever.
Her knees grew weak again and she crumbled under the weight of her armor and the two heavy packs awkwardly fastened to her back. The wolf's howl turned into whimpers and whines and she felt his soft fur nuzzle her, nudging her to get up.
She couldn't.
How could she ever stand tall again without him? None of the pain and suffering she had gone through in her life would ever compare to this.
She didn't know how long she stayed like this, sobbing on the ground. Karnwyr's muzzle nudged her hair and for a second, she almost felt like it was a familiar hand stroking her gently.
But it wasn't. It would never be that again. That hand was now severed and in the possession of that man.
It wasn't fair!
She was glad for once that her sobs were drowned out by the wolf's whines and howls. She couldn't stand to hear herself cry anymore. It was all she heard for hours and hours.
He wouldn't want you to fall apart.
But what else could she do? Everything felt wrong. Everything felt… empty.
The lush golden trees around her felt like they were closing in, foreboding. The place she loved so much was dark and it made her feel lost.
She tried to blink away her tears and look at the road again. The road leading away from the dark forest, south to a place she dreaded. To people.
She didn't want that. She didn't want to hear the words, she didn't want the comfort. Not when she knew there was no comforting her anyway.
She didn't want to hear anything.
Nobody would ever understand the loss.
She instantly felt guilty for thinking that. The world was a cruel place and so many suffered. Not just her. She didn't want to think about it just then. She wanted to be selfish. She wanted to think of her own pain only. Hers and Karnwyr's as he kept whining and trying to nudge her.
But… she didn't know what to do. And maybe someone would understand.
There would be no words of consolation. Just… compassion. Misery that might just be understood in company.
She looked at the road again. It was so close.
She couldn't stand to stay here with the forests closing in and the dismal cottage mocking her for all she had lost.
Who else could understand their pain but him?
…
For the first time, she didn't notice them.
The stares, the whispers, she knew they were there. She knew that as she passed through the city, people were curious. The despair must have seeped from her at every step.
But she didn't care. What did it matter what they thought? What they talked about? They could talk about the mighty Dragonborn stumbling through the city a crying mess and she wouldn't give a fuck. Nothing mattered. The only thing that mattered was gone.
There was no point in anything. She wasn't even sure why she was here anymore. Why did she come here? What would it help that he understood her pain? He wouldn't be able to take it away. Ever.
But she still marched forth, around the bend, towards the house at the edge of town.
She had nowhere else to go.
Karnwyr kept nuzzling her leg, whining and whimpering. He was in so much pain too, but she didn't feel like she had the strength to even worry about him. She didn't have the strength to do anything.
And so she just walked. It felt like the longest walk of her life, as if the street was constantly getting longer and longer somehow. When she finally reached the door, she barely even believed that she made it. She kind of wanted to crumble onto the ground again.
But instead, she took a deep shuddering breath and knocked.
There were footsteps inside. Not like Bishop's. She would never hear his footsteps. He always muffled them. Sometimes he took her by surprise like that when he returned from his hunts. Ambushed her in a hug. The warmth of his arms that was now forever lost to her.
She almost didn't register when the door opened.
First, a beaming smile greeted her and she almost felt the pain ease just for a fraction of a second. But it was so fleeting. Gone in an instant.
Just like him.
The concern was there right away to replace it. The cheery face before her fell into the same dark depths she felt herself be dragged into all the time.
She saw him mouth her name and the voice she had not heard in so long rang in her ear unpleasantly, as if it was really there.
"Aeyrin?"
He didn't actually say it, but she heard it. The unpleasant feeling got twisted into a strange hope. Hearing voices… maybe it would be better if she went insane.
Maybe she already was.
Warm arms enveloped her desperately, squeezing her. She closed her eyes and desperately tried to imagine that this was someone else, that this embrace was the one she wanted above all else.
'It's gonna be alright, princess.'
This time it didn't feel like she actually heard it, no matter how much she wished she would. This voice was cruelly lost to her when even her own frazzled thoughts couldn't make it sound real. It was never gonna be alright. And the embrace didn't feel right either.
She pulled herself away, her vision blurred with new tears. But she still saw it in Raven's face. The reason she was here.
Old pain remembered all too well.
She was right. She could see it in his eyes.
It would never go away.
…
Time was strange.
Here, it seemed to almost flow differently.
Days passed by and it felt so slow. Every day she hoped the next one would somehow be better, but it never was. The pain never stopped.
At least she wasn't crying anymore. She felt like she couldn't cry. Just… empty.
Raven took her in instantly. He insisted that she take the large bed on the top floor while he slept in Iona's old room. She asked for the smaller room, but he wouldn't have it. She didn't have it in her to tell him that it wasn't out of modesty.
She remembered sharing this bed with Bishop all too freshly. The first night they spent here together, then when they came to the empty house and 'tested' the bed properly. Those memories kept returning to her, filling her with both longing and bitterness. Sometimes she wanted nothing more than to get lost in them. But every time she tried, she felt pangs of pain assault her, reminding her that there would be no more such memories.
And it only got worse from there.
The conflicting feelings never stopped.
Sometimes Raven spent the night with her in that bed. Mostly it was Karnwyr sleeping there, trying to comfort her or commiserate with her, she wasn't sure, but sometimes Raven seemed to feel like she needed him close.
She did.
But waking up in the middle of the night next to a warm body had the same effect.
It was the wrong body she wanted to wake up next to.
She wasn't even sure if she slept properly through all the time she'd been here. She wanted to sleep. She just wanted to sleep to make the pain stop for at least a moment. But her thoughts wouldn't let her. Pure exhaustion was the only times she got some rest and even then, she woke up constantly. It made time disjointed and strange. Even the sunrays in the windows didn't help. Those too felt shrouded in darkness.
But she still wasn't able to get out of that bed much. She could see Raven's frustration with her. Or maybe it was concern. He kept giving her these… looks.
A pleasant smell carried through the house. Just like every day.
Raven liked to fish and he liked to put those skills to good use afterwards, cooking some of his hauls.
Aeyrin wasn't sure how many days it had been, but it was the same every time. And as every day before, Raven tentatively entered the large bedroom with a plate of food ready for her.
It smelled good. How did it make her feel so disgusted? Even thinking of tasting the food made her nauseous.
Raven already had his notepad ready.
.
Please, have some.
.
"I'm not hungry," she mumbled quietly. She couldn't. She couldn't help herself. Even the smell was bad enough. It just all made her remember the bitter loss.
Bishop would never again cook for her. His face would never light up again when she appreciated his delicious food. He would never again blackmail her into not doing something stupid by threatening to stop cooking. It was ridiculous that she missed even that.
Raven gave her a pleading look, but she only shook her head. She really couldn't stand it.
With a deep sigh, either frustration or concern, he walked back to the kitchen and she heard him place the plate on the table. He didn't sit down to eat his meal though. Instead, a while later, he approached her with a few slices of dry bread. It was the only thing she was even able to stomach since…
Since he was killed.
Raven sat down on the bed next to her and handed her the bread. Or more pushed it onto her. She didn't have the heart to refuse him even this. And when she took it from him, taking out a tiny peace from the middle and rolling it into an unappetizing ball, he promptly grabbed his notepad and sharpened charcoal again.
.
You have to eat properly. This isn't enough.
.
"I can't," she shook her head promptly. Even that small ball of bread remained in her hand and she tried to convince herself to eat it. Her throat felt closed up.
.
You haven't even tried. I know how hard it is, but you need to take care of yourself.
.
Right. She knew she should. Somehow it was all too painful though. She knew his heart was in the right place, but she just… couldn't. Even bathing was a struggle. Every time she felt the warm water on her body, she remembered sharing baths with Bishop, his teasing touch always there.
Except now it wasn't.
And it would never be again.
Her eyes began to fill with tears at the mere thought again. She thought she was done crying. And as if summoned by that, Karnwyr instantly got up from by the bed and began nudging her leg with his snout, poking into her with low whines escaping his maw.
He wasn't doing much better either. He didn't even want to run around the city. He just stayed by her bed or inside it and lied there with his head low. She knew exactly how he felt.
.
How about we go out for a while? We don't have to go to the city, we can just take a walk by the shore through the back entrance. Or I can take you fishing.
.
That was… a sweet suggestion. She knew he meant well. And he even took her reluctance to see anyone into consideration. But…
She wasn't sure what it was. There wasn't even any reason for it and she shook her head instinctively. Why was she like this?
He was trying to help. She came to him because she knew he would understand. And he did. Not once did he ask what happened – not about any of it. He didn't even ask about her missing ear at all although she knew he noticed it. It was not related to what happened, but she could see him trying to figure out a connection there. But he still didn't ask. He clearly knew that Bishop was dead, but he didn't pry about the details. Not once did he ask if she was going to tell anyone. She was dreading that. There were people who loved Bishop who needed to know. But… how could she? How could she ever bring herself to share this pain with anyone? It wouldn't be fair.
She finally made herself eat the small piece of bread, but all she could taste was the bitterness of her throat constricted from the crying.
.
Please, just try. For me.
.
That felt oddly like blackmail.
She felt guilty for even thinking that. He only wanted what was best for her, she knew that, but she couldn't help the bitter feelings. Now she felt like she had to.
She wanted to do it for Raven. He was so understanding. But sometimes it didn't feel like it. Sometimes it felt like he was pushing her for things she was not ready for. She wasn't sure what she was ready for. She was not actually doing anything. Not actually living.
Just like him.
Stop it, please, stop it!
Maybe she should just let him force her. Maybe he knew better. He'd been through this many times before after all. He'd lost so many people he loved before.
She slowly nodded, unable to speak.
But she was sure that nothing would ever help.
…
It was dark.
And fucking depressing.
He fucking hated this place. Every moment was just agonizing. It was like a prison.
It kinda was a prison. Bishop was never allowed to leave. After he traveled with Gaius through the wilderness, stopping only in the most remote locations possible, wading through bogs and deep snow, they finally arrived back in Dragon Bridge. By then, Bishop was hidden in a simple traveler cloak that Gaius got him in Morthal.
And that was where he stayed. No disguise mattered, he wasn't allowed to leave at all not to jeopardize the mission. The commander confirmed everything that Gaius said, which was kinda comforting, but of course he was fucking ecstatic about how his son handled this situation and about the current plans.
So, Bishop was 'housed' in a closed off section of the basement of the outpost. It had only one room and a bathing room. Apparently it was where the jailor would normally reside, but Maro reorganized the outpost a while ago to keep the prisoners more in plain sight when they had them. Bishop wanted to point out how well that worked with Cicero, but then he remembered that the lunatic's escape was deliberately staged by the Penitus Oculatus.
He didn't have it bad there per say. The lanterns were lit, even though there were no windows, he got food often and good food too – from the Four Shields. Whenever he asked for something, like a stronger drink or such, they accommodated him. He wasn't treated like a prisoner, not really.
But they still kept him locked with magic regardless. They said it was to keep anyone from discovering him down there, but he knew it too well. It was to keep him from getting stupid ideas.
And he was getting a lot of them. He wanted nothing more than to escape this place. It had been a few days and nobody gave him any information about Aeyrin yet. He knew she would be in a bad place, but… fuck. He just comforted himself with the thought that she ran to the secret chapel and Therien right away. They wouldn't find her there.
But on the sixth day, he finally got a visit from someone other than the Commander or the agent tasked with making sure all his needs were met.
Gaius.
Bishop himself was surprised how eager he got when he saw the man. After all, it was him who was responsible for all this. And Bishop was still pissed off. He spent all his days worrying about Aeyrin, wishing he had done things differently. Even though he still knew this was his best hope for peace.
But the fact that Gaius himself was here was somewhat uplifting. He clearly wasn't dead, so he wasn't found out. And he might have important news.
"You're here," Bishop nodded at him. Maybe he should have started with a question, but he wasn't sure what to ask first. Well… that wasn't true. He wanted to ask about Aeyrin. But he wasn't sure if Gaius was the one to ask. He asked the Commander a lot, but he kept saying there was no news yet.
"Yeah. How are you doing so far?" Gaius looked at him worriedly. Well, alright, maybe Bishop neglected some grooming lately, but it was fucking dark in here and what the fuck for when he was always alone? Who cared if his hair was messy or if his stubble was slowly turning into a beard?
"Fucking crappy. Do you have any news?" Bishop urged him. Come on, he needed something.
"Yes," Gaius nodded. "It's why I'm here. Good news first. Babette visited me, said Astrid and everyone else are more inclined to let me into the Sanctuary. She's pushing for a decision. It should be soon. A few days before I can get inside probably. Then I'll need to do some reconnaissance and then…"
Good news? Fuck, this was great news! Bishop just hoped it would work out as they planned. But Maro had all the reinforcements here right? It had to work out.
Wait… he said 'good news first'.
"What's the bad news?" Bishop scowled at him promptly.
"Well… it's… your wife," Gaius sighed. Wait, what? What the fuck! No! What was wrong? He said she left the place, that she was fine. Physically at least. Bishop instantly began to panic and fortunately, Gaius noticed. His next words were accompanied by a soothing gesture of his arms: "She's alive. She's fine. Well… I guess. She's just… uhm… one of the agents saw her near the outskirts of Riften recently."
Riften? Alright. So… she went back home. Fuck, it must have been excruciating to be in that place, wasn't it?
"She was… with a guy," Gaius let out a somber sigh, as if he was delivering some tragic news. "Living with him, apparently."
Oh. So… Aeyrin was living with a guy in Riften. Raven? That made sense. If anyone understood grief, it was him.
Wait, what the fuck did Gaius think? That she shacked up with a new lover instantly? Ha! As if she would do that. Bishop wasn't worried about that.
Huh. It was… kinda interesting. He wasn't worried about her and Raven at all, even if he had a precedent to be concerned about. But he just… didn't see that happening. Raven knew all too fucking well what losing someone you loved was like. He wouldn't take advantage of her vulnerable state. Bishop even surprised himself by how much trust he put in Raven in this regard all of the sudden. But most of all, Aeyrin wouldn't let herself go down this road, not a few days after… that.
"Calm down. He's our friend," Bishop scoffed. "It's good she's with someone." It was much better than worrying about her being all alone in their cottage, wallowing. She was probably still wallowing. Bishop knew she wasn't actually doing well and he felt crappy enough about that, but he was glad someone was watching over her when he couldn't.
Maybe soon, he would be able to come back to her at last.
It already felt like a torturous eternity.
…
Has it been days? Weeks?
She was never really sure. It all felt the same.
But she had been talking herself into doing this for a long time now.
She was not sure how she would be able to bear it, but then again, she was intensely drawn to it.
It was just sitting there. She had never opened it. She only kept staring at it.
Bishop's pack.
She knew exactly what was inside. Why was she so weird about opening it? It made no sense. She just… wanted to see his things. Smell him from his clothes, reminisce about this and that, even if it sent more pain through her chest.
Sometimes it felt like she was looking for that pain. It was a strange connection to him.
Raven was fishing now, so it was a good time to do this. He would want to take her on a walk again after. Like a dog.
No, that was unkind. He was helping her. It was hard to be outside when the trees still felt like they kept closing in and when the skies seemed all dark no matter the weather. But she should just… keep hoping it would pass, right?
It will never pass.
No. She needed to stop thinking like that.
Raven told her he thought that it would never get better too, but it did. She wasn't sure if she believed him, but a part of her tried to cling to those words. It was hard though when even Karnwyr wasn't excited about the walks. He just dragged himself forth, staying by Aeyrin's side constantly and never running around like he used to.
Nothing was like it used to be.
At least she could try and do this before Raven came back and tried to make her eat and walk again.
She nodded at herself in determination and moved from the bed. It always felt a little strange to do that for some reason. And she felt dizzy all the time. Sometimes she even stumbled and Raven had to catch her.
She held herself steady this time and approached the pack. Karnwyr actually got up from the bed too and hopped down, sniffing around the pack. He let out a little whine again, but then he just waited for Aeyrin to continue.
She pulled out the first thing. His chest piece.
He didn't have it on him when it happened. Maybe he would have been ready if he had. Maybe, as so many times before, they wouldn't anticipate the hidden plates and he would have survived, taking them off guard.
She… didn't even know what happened. How was she asleep through all that? What happened to him? Why did she only wake up in the snow? She wasn't that much of a heavy sleeper. Whatever they orchestrated… it must have been elaborate.
How could this happen?
Every day she was filled with more regrets about that day. She just… left him there. She selfishly thought only about her own feelings, how she had to get away from there, leaving his body to rot in the burning building. He didn't even get a proper burial. And what if the Gods were so cruel to deny him Sovngarde without it?
They were cruel enough to take him away from her, so why not?
With a sigh, she looked down on the little silver chalice amulet around her neck.
What good did it do? Stendarr's protection and care – pfft. It didn't stop this from happening.
She felt rage bubble up inside her at the thought. Suddenly it felt like the necklace burned the back of her neck unpleasantly.
She gripped it firmly and yanked on it, snapping the delicate chain. She didn't want to wear it anymore. It was pointless. She just wanted it gone.
Without much care, she tossed it into the kitchen area, towards the fireplace. She wasn't sure if it fell in, but she didn't care. It didn't warrant that much of her attention. All her faith and for what?
She just… wanted to focus on Bishop's things again.
She spread out the armor piece on the floor and rummaged more, pulling out the rest of his equipment. All of it filled her with bitter memories. The trousers he sometimes slept in, the white phial, all his potions, the key to their home, the… traps.
Useless things. They only brought them trouble. And they never stopped what they were supposed to stop.
She stashed those back inside promptly, but for all the other things, she found a place. Cupboards, floor, it didn't matter. As long as she could see them. Through the pain, she still wanted to be constantly reminded of him.
Just as she was done arranging things and got back into the bed, looking over her handiwork, the door to the back porch opened and Raven entered.
His eyes went wide when he saw all the things splayed there. He raised his brow at her, but he didn't even mouth anything at her. Instead, he approached the first thing in his path, right there on the floor, Bishop's chest piece.
"No, don't touch it!" Aeyrin yelped. She put it there to see it and he wanted to 'clean it up'.
Raven flinched back quickly and then he gave her a look. As if she was the most pathetic person in the world just then.
Maybe she was.
Raven quickly walked towards her, stepping past the inconveniently splayed equipment before he was by her side. He promptly pulled out his pad and scribbled on it again.
.
I promise, it gets better.
.
"How could it?" She asked bitterly. "You're just saying that. Don't tell me it got better for you. Don't you still think about them all? Don't you still miss them?" How could he not? She couldn't imagine anything else just now. And Raven was ready with a response soon enough.
.
Of course I do. And I will never forget any one of them. But it does get easier to go on with your life. Be happy with someone new too.
.
Wait… what?!
What was he saying?! How could he even think about such things? There was no one else. There could never be. She couldn't even begin to think like that.
He did that. Always. He always found someone new. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he didn't understand what she was going through. Maybe what he felt was never the same.
"You can't be serious," she snarled. "How can you even think it's possible?!"
.
I don't mean right now.
.
Raven sighed as he presented her the pad.
"Ever! I thought you understand it but… you don't! You have no idea what this is like! You wouldn't suggest something like this otherwise!" She snapped. She couldn't help it. She felt guilty when he looked entirely caught-off guard by her outburst. He even looked… hurt. But she felt oddly betrayed by what he suggested. She knew he wasn't suggesting himself. They were past that. But suggesting this at all was… painful.
She didn't want to talk to him anymore. Fortunately, as a saving grace, there was a knock on the door.
She promptly huddled herself under the blanket hiding a bit from whomever it was. Raven sometimes had visitors, but he did his business with them in the doorway mostly. At least now that she was here.
It was… somewhat considerate. She had to give him that.
This time though, when he saw the visitor, he stepped outside instead. Aeyrin didn't see who it was.
Not that she cared. She just wanted to try to sleep.