Hey. Is this working?

I was planning on updating 'Streets' again, but blame Adele's 'My Little Love'.

Until Next Time,

Muse

/

With the party finished. Olivia walks into the baby's room.

She went with neutral colors when she designed the nursery. The bright yellow wall with white stars and a moon. The creme color crib and matching changing table. The room is perfect. Warm. Open. Peaceful.

Opening the new package she just bought, she pulls out a large mobile centerpiece.

" I think you like it…"Olivia talks softly to her baby as she examines the custom piece. The dainty light pink butterfly silhouettes dangle freely by shimmer strands.

"I can't wait to meet you... Hope."

X

There's something magical, festering inside Olivia. Every day, she marvels at her body both in awe and in horror. She shared her body with others temporarily and at times she relished and hated the feeling of another. But this is different. Her once fit body has now morphed into something magical in itself. Like any women, she's uncomfortable with her appearance here and there, and every day she faces new physical challenges. Driving, has become harder, reaching for the milk in the very back of the isle has become tedious. Her aching, swollen feet scream at her. But. Despite the limitations, Olivia is enjoying her pregnancy, enjoying sharing herself with someone. Her body is no longer just hers, but Hope's.

What others took from her unwillingly, she gives to Hope freely. Swimming has been and will always be her favorite form of exercise. There's something about being in the cool water, and her once heavy body turning into nothing but water. As she moves in the water, she can feel her daughter move with her. Everywhere she goes, she is with her. For the first time in her life, her body is a vessel that is creating life, and it's her job to ensure Hope receives everything she can from her. To aid her growth and development. It feels rather nice for Olivia, to be only worried about herself. No longer having people to support, and care for, for the first time in her life, it's just Olivia.

And Hope.

She belongs to Hope. Her entire life, she wanted a place that could be called home. A place where she belongs. And she sees now, what that truly means.

There are times where she does shed tears about her past, and her lack of self-love. Her body is a temple, yet she allowed others to hurt her, to weaponize her own body against her. When she assumed she was in control, she learned the hard way that she had no true control of her life.

That's not to say that she was forced or pressured but she was unkind to herself. She's always been unkind to herself.

"Carolyn, why are you crying?"

Olivia looks up at her therapist as she hands her the tissue box.

"I had an epiphany during my morning swim. I am nurturing this baby growing inside me. I watch what I eat, I exercise every day. I listen to classical music for her. I even pray for her and the world… and I see…that I've never done this before."

"Does that make you sad?"

Olivia shakes her head "it makes me sad because it shows me just how much I hated myself and I still do."

"Why do you hate yourself?"

She licks her dry lips "I'm not a nice person. I've done terrible things."

"Who hasn't done terrible things, Carolyn." her therapist Delilah answers "Why are you taking care of yourself now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just said, you are doing everything right, watching what you eat, exercising every day. You are taking all the necessary steps towards bettering yourself. So why?"

"It's for her."

"No."

Olivia frown at her therapist for shutting her down.

"You are doing this for, Carolyn. Because Carolyn wants to give her daughter the life she was deprived of. The love she was neglected. The stability she was denied. You want to give her everything you didn't have. And the only way, to give her this, is if Carolyn takes care of herself first. You owe that to yourself. You deserve that."

Olivia sobs in the palm of her hands.

"Do I deserve to be happy?" Olivia whispers

Delilah reaches for Olivia's hand and holds it tightly as she nods her head in assurance.

"I was never alone, but always alone. I had my team, my job… but…. I was alone. I was lonely…and now I'm not…I feel guilty that I am experiencing this and he can't. He can't be happy with us."

"The father?" Delilah clarifies

Olivia nods her head but doesn't utter a word. Fitz has been weighing on her profoundly as she reaches her due date. There are so many times where she dials his number and places the phone to her ear, and wait to hear him pick up. Only she never hits the dial button. This wasn't how she expected to bring her child into this world. She always assumed that when the time came for her to have a child. She would be married to Fitz, and they would be in Vermont. Fitz would be everything she needs and more as a husband and father. He would rub her swollen feet, fetch her water, put her shoes on, drive her to her doctor's appointments. Olivia, always knew she would have Fitz's baby, there was no one else she ever dreamt of having a baby with but him. Fitz had a choice. He had kids but for Olivia, there wasn't an option only him.

And now Olivia is trying to figure life out without him.

"Talk to me, Carolyn."

"I just miss him…"

"And you feel guilty."

"Yes." Olivia wipes her tears with the napkin "I look at my life here, and I'm struggling to learn and correct my past mistakes and actions and take the time to heal, but I'm happy. And he should be happy too."

"You don't think he's happy?"

She looks outside the window "I like to believe so, of course not too happy but I think he would be really happy here with me, with us."

"I'm sure he would be, but would you have taken the time to work on Carolyn?"

"No." Olivia laughs " I would probably run away had he been here with me, and he would find me and bring me back. And I would still be in a state of perpetual fear. But there would be happy moments."

"Right. Life gives us enough happy moments to balance the sad ones. But I don't want you to think about what could have been. Stay present."

"I want to call him, and let him know about the baby."

"Okay. What's stopping you?"

"Me."

There's a pause. Neither one spoke for several minutes.

"He loves me. He truly loves me." Olivia answers sincerely with tears lodged in her throat. Whenever she thinks of him, she's overcome with emotions. Perhaps it's her hormones or the fact that she dreams about Hope and who she looks like, and it pains her more than life itself that her daughter can't know the father who's dreamt of the idea of her before she ever existed. Regardless of what she and Fitz did to one another, there was love.

"No one loves me the way he loves me. My parents that are supposed to love me and place me above everyone else failed me. And he's hurt me and disappointed me many times, but he's the only one who had everything to lose and still he picked me. Chose me. And it's not about what he did and didn't do for me, our relationship wasn't transactional. He saw me, completely."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes. But we have said and done horrible things to each other. And I was the worse one in our fights. We aren't good together, we fight, I run and the cycle continues. It's my fault why we aren't together. I take responsibility for ruining our relationship and picking fights with him. He wasn't perfect, but I wasn't a saint either"

"What about co-parenting?"

Olivia squirms at the suggestion "he would love that. And so would I …but…he carries a lot of baggage, and I…I was subject to abuse, to racism, to sexism because he loves me…our child…"

Olivia wipes her fresh tears at the thought of Hope having to endure the public pain she experienced being the president's mistress.

"She would be picked, bullied, humiliated, and people would hate her because they hate me…" Olivia shakes her head "that doesn't seem fair to her. She didn't sign up for that, she didn't ask to be created. We did it. And I chose to keep her. So I have to put aside my selfish wants for her, and that includes him."

Delilah takes a minute to absorb everything Carolyn unleashed on her.

"The father can't help you and Hope face the world?"

"He can't save us. Only I can. I will tell him when the time is right, but it's not the right time now. And I know that. For some reason, he was just on my mind heavily and I felt quite emotional thinking about him. Why is that?"

"Perhaps you feel guilty."

"I do." Olivia agrees "I do feel guilty. He gave me this parting gift as we said goodbye and I didn't give him anything. I took it from him. I took her from him, and I'll have to address her father's absence and why he can't take her to the daddy-daughter dance… I'm taking from everyone, especially her. I wanted her to have everything I didn't have. But I'm trying…"

"You aren't trying, but doing. She'll have a wonderful mother, everything else will fall in place in due time. Just take it one day at a time.

/

She was watching Fitz on the news. His approval rating has jumped to sixty percent. He's passed more laws than any other president. Both democrats and republicans are talking about the hyper-focused President Grant. Without Olivia around to distract him, Fitz has flourished as a President.

Hope begins to kick at the sight of him talking to the press.

Olivia knows that Hope can't hear Fitz, but she likes to believe that Hope is responding to Fitz in symmetry to her response to him. Her heart rate spikes, her stomach drops, her breathing becomes slightly more laborious.

God, she misses him.

She misses his scent. His strong arms engulfing her in a bear hug that made her feel so warm and safe. In his arms, she was at peace. When he would kiss her, her knees would become weak, and the crooked smile would appear on his face after stealing a kiss from her.

Her anger and resentment towards him, evaporated long go. All she feels for Fitz is genuine love and appreciation.

She's made love to the image of him, many times since moving to New Zealand. Her vibrator has been used and worn, and she never thought she would be that woman, but she doesn't mind the toy at all. She appreciates the small apparatus.

Her thoughts drift to Fitz once again.

But unlike before, she smiles proudly at him.

/

"How're the votes?" Fitz whirls into the Oval Office. Determined and on a mission.

"We should have Gibson and after that we are golden," Abby answers following behind Fitz

"Good."

Abby stares at him. Fitz is doing amazing since he and Olivia broke up. He's adapted and moved on from the breakup without missing a beat. But he's not the same. The joy that was once tangible is gone, his smile isn't as bright, his light isn't as shinning.

"Abby, why are you staring at me?" Fitz smiles

"Diane wants to interview with you."

"With me?"

"Yes, you The President of the United States"

"Why?"

"Well, sir you are leaving office now less than one year. America wants to know what's the next step in your life? And of course, we can push our innocent bill. And your last words of encouragement for America as they elect their next president."

He ponders the idea for a minute. He's rejected every interview thus far. Not wanting to push the focus to his personal life or Olivia Pope who's vanished without a trace.

"And Olivia?"

"They do want to know about Olivia Pope. How did it happen? Why it happened. And where she is in your life."

"I would also like to know where she is." Fitz laughs "America can get in line."

"She's a huge part of your legacy."

He doesn't respond. His legacy is contingent with Olivia.

"Have you heard from her?"

"No" Fitz answers stoically getting up from his chair to stare out the window. "I'm guessing you haven't as well."

"No. No one has heard from her since…"

He listens quietly "should I find her? Olivia hates me. She ran away just to escape me… I don't want to…I'm not trying to smother her"

"I know… Olivia is complicated."

Fitz laughs "that is an understatement."

Abby stares at her President "if you want her. Then find her. Just to give yourself a piece of closure."

"I'm worried. That the second I find her, I'll run after her…I've been working on myself…I was overly attached to Olivia. She was my door-marked exit… and she doesn't want me…I have Angela, and we are going well…"

"You can find her, it doesn't mean you have to see her. As long as you know she's alive and well. Move on"

Fitz shakes his head "No. Olivia is gone for a reason. And I'm not following her for a reason."

"Angela and you have been doing well."

"Yes, I'm taking her out for dinner. Just in the car. Nothing crazy."

"What do you say about the interview?"

"Set it up," Fitz answers walking out the office. "but give me time…I don't need any surprises."

/

There's a knock on her door.

"Hey!"

"Hey." Olivia smiles softly opening the door to welcome Ryan inside her home.

Moving to the living room, Olivia turns off the tv and turns to face Ryan who plops on the couch beside her.

"So what's going on?" Olivia asks knowing Ryan always comes over when things are tough. He doesn't talk about his issues and Olivia doesn't push the issue. She simply allows him to be present with her.

"I don't know, I'm bored, so I wanted to come to see how you're doing."

"Oh, thanks." Olivia laughs sarcastically as they walk into the kitchen because she knows Ryan loves eating. She's quite jealous of him actually, he can eat everything and not gain a single pound or an ounce of fat on his body. He's fit, his hair clean-cut, a great personality, great style. What's not to love about Ryan.

Ryan takes the precut carrots, broccoli and celery Olivia cuts out the fridge. Olivia's home has become the go-to house, and everyone amasses there for all gatherings and celebrations.

"Where're the girls?" Olivia asked taking a bite out of the carrot dipped in the ranch.

"Shane's sleeping with some girl she doesn't know. Alice is on a date."

"And you wanted to come to hang out with your eight-month pregnant friend. That's sweet."

"Well. Someone has to check on you."

"You do." Olivia appreciates the checkups. She hated them when the gladiators would call her. It always felt as though she was being judged and she never liked the thought of having to respond to them, which she seldom did. But Ryan is unbiased. He knows nothing of her past but accepts her as she is.

He checks on her as any man would check on their single, very pregnant friend who's living in a new world altogether.

"No hookups for you?"

"No, I'm having a mare today," Ryan answers dejectedly

"You wanna go for a walk around the neighborhood? I could use the fresh air."

"Yeah, let's go. I gotta keep skux."

Ryan and Olivia walk along a beautiful trail to the beach. Neither talking, both dealing with their demons and inner conflicts.

"So why are you having a mare day?"

Ryan sighs heavily "it's my boyfriend."

"Ohhh." Olivia answers, she knew Ryan was gay, and she assumed he had a boyfriend at first, but he's often at her place that Olivia assumed he didn't have one.

"I know…please don't be mad at me for not telling you….it's just…" Ryan shakes his head

"You don't have to explain, we all have our secrets."

"I love him. We've been together for two years, but he's in the closet. Which is fine. I'm not flamboyant, I'm not loud but I am proud."

"Of course," Olivia responds as she feels the warm sand sinking under her feet.

"He's afraid of what everyone will think of us. How they will judge us. It doesn't help that he's white and I'm black."

"I see."

"I love him, and I was understanding about taking our time and letting him adjust but it's been two years…Carolyn…I'm with you because he's on a date with a girl."

"What!" Olivia stops walking

"I know." Ryan pulls her to keep walking "he dates girls for show, happy parents, happy life. Right? Everyone wins but me? I'm tired of not being a priority. He says he loves, and I know he does but he can't put me first. Us first. We can only go to bars, no restaurants, and don't even think about a movie because our gay guy friends are out and proud and we can't hang with them outside."

"I'm so sorry Ryan."

He shrugs, refusing to cry over something that has been going on for some time now.

"I broke up with him. I can fight for us, but I have to know there's something worth fighting for. I can't be who I am because he's afraid of being who he is."

Olivia takes a minute before sharing a piece of herself with Ryan.

" I wish I haven't lived and walked in your shoes. But I have and I am. Hope's father is white."

"Mr. President!"

Olivia shakes her head "Mr. President." Olivia smiles softly at the nickname the group unknowingly gave the President of the united states. " you know we had an affair, and this affair lasted years…he loved me but he loved his job…he loved me but he loved his kids…he loved me but I worked for him. Many hated me because of how he looked at me because he loved me over his white wife. He picked the common black girl over his wealthy wife. He was willing to give it all up for me. Power, fame, money. His life was going to be over because he fell in love with a black girl…doesn't seem fair right? He was to lose everything because he loved me. The world was burning and I was the one who lit the match…"

" What happened?"

"Me." Olivia smiles sadly "he would have resented me and ended up hating me for stopping his path to greatness. He claims he wouldn't and maybe I'm wrong. But I wasn't going to give him a chance to fail me, to hurt me. So I left and I'm still atoning for my sins."

Ryan stares at Olivia with his brown eyes watering at their shared stories and pain.

"You love him," Ryan answers simply

"And you love him," Olivia responds

"But…" Ryan knows there's always a but to any great statement.

"But. Love isn't enough. Is it?" Olivia asked

All Ryan can do is shake his head. He tried. He tried to be everything Bryan needed, but he can't be everything without being nothing.

"The truth Ryan; Is you love him. And You've been living with this secret for a long time. I know what that's like…I honestly do. And you think you're doing it for the right reasons. You think if you give him time, he'll change. If you are less you then he'll be more him…that's not on you! Who you are, who you love, that shouldn't be a secret. It shouldn't have to be a secret, should it?" Olivia begs

"No. It shouldn't be a secret." Ryan hugs Olivia as they cry in each other's arms.

"I don't want Hope to be a secret. But I don't want the world to hate her either for what she represents."

"The world won't hate her." Ryan wipes Olivia's tears away.

"How do you know that?"

"The majority of mankind is pretty awesome. We have some horrible people, but also some great ones as well….like you….the world won't hate her…and they don't hate you."

"Are you sure?"

"No." Ryan laughs "but we root for love, and I know you and your ole guy aren't together anymore. But, Hope was made with love. Regardless, of what the world thinks about our life and our choices. We have each other, and that's all we need."

Olivia smiles, intertwining her hands with Ryan.

"We have Hope."