Thank you as always to Hollie! I'm really happy with how I developed and changed this chapter compared to how it was originally written so I hope you enjoy!
Another few weeks had passed since Claire had entered their lives and dropped her bombshell. May moved to June, which meant the couple were enjoying lots of BBQ's and entertaining in their garden. The sun was setting, just after 9pm, and the Stone's were lounging on the garden sofa, listening to the birds and just enjoying the peace. Jess bolted up, running into the house. Callum put his wine glass down, following her through. She'd shut the bathroom door behind her, and he stood waiting outside.
"Have you been sick again?" Callum asked through the door.
The door slowly opened and Jess' pale face appeared, "I think it was the burgers."
"Are you trying to tell me I've given you food poisoning?" he said with a smile.
She couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face, "Yes, I think you have."
Callum paused, considering his words carefully, "Jess, you've been sick quite a lot lately, and you've always had a reason for it but what if it's something else?" They walked back outside, resuming their seats on the garden sofa. Jess was silent, biting her bottom lip, "Jess?"
"I'm scared." she said quietly, not meeting his eyes.
Callum's face immediately became one of concern, "Scared about what, what's wrong?"
"I'm scared I might be pregnant." she said softly, still not looking at him.
Callum took a deep breath, before slowly angling her face to meet his, "How long have you thought you might be pregnant?"
"A few weeks." she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
Callum pulled her to him, holding her close, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I thought I was just stressed and didn't really think about the fact that my period was late. And I know we've spoken about it, but it was always just a thought for the future, not something that would happen so soon. And then Claire came and I just pushed it to the back of my mind." she said tearfully.
"Shall we do a test?" Callum asked hesitantly.
"There's one in the medicine cabinet down here." Jess answered, wiping her eyes.
"So, shall we find out for definite?" Callum asked again.
"Ok." Jess nodded, still looking pale. Callum got up, taking Jess' trembling hand in his and slowly walked through to the bathroom. He rooted around in the cabinet, pulling the test out and handing it to her. "Go and wait in the garden, my bladder will get stage fright otherwise."
Callum nodded, his face creased with concern. This was not the reaction he thought she would have about being potentially pregnant, not considering how much she adored being Luke's mum. He brushed a kiss against her lips before shutting the bathroom door behind him as he went back outside.
Jess walked out a minute later, the test in her hand. She placed it face down in front of Callum.
"Now what?" he asked, looking between her and the test.
"Now we wait a few minutes to see what it says." she said quietly, sipping her diet coke. Those few minutes seemed to last hours. "I think you can check it now."
Callum glanced at her, his hand finding hers as he reached forward to turn the test. He inhaled sharply at the result, unable to stop the smile from splitting his face. "Jess, it's positive!"
She released the breath she'd been holding, her heart hammering in her chest, her breathing too quick, a ringing in her ears. She let go of Callum's hand, running back into the house, up the stairs, into their bedroom before collapsing to her knees in front of the fireplace. She couldn't breathe, her chest was too tight, she was going to suffocate. She barely heard the sound of Callum's feet pounding up the stairs as he ran into the room behind her, immediately getting to his knees in front of her, grabbing her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him.
"Jess? Jess come on darlin', slow your breathing down, you're having a panic attack. Breathe in and out with me, nice and slowly." Callum said, making her follow his breaths.
After a few minutes her breathing started to return to normal, but she was still so pale and shaking.
"I'm sorry Callum." she sobbed, collapsing against his chest, her body heaving with tears.
"What's going on? Talk to me Jess, I'm so worried!" Callum said urgently, stroking her back.
"It's not going to stick." she said a few minutes later after her sobs had subsided enough for her to talk. Callum grabbed the tissues from her nightstand, handing her one.
"What?" he asked in confusion.
"This baby. It won't stick Callum, it'll die. Just like Luke, just like my other baby." she looked down at her hands, wringing them in her lap. And then he understood, he understood why she hadn't said anything, why she had reacted the way she did when the test was positive. He pulled her to him, onto his lap, and just held her.
"Darlin', this baby will stick. What happened with Luke, and with your last baby, was awful and heartbreaking but you did not cause it. You know that don't you? It wasn't your fault." Callum said seriously, trying to make her understand.
"If I had been at home that night with Luke, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Or if I had left Dan when I was going to the first time. If I had told you I was pregnant and not gone on that shout, I might not have miscarried. I make the wrong choices Callum, I'm going to do it again and we'll lose this baby and it'll be my fault, again. And I cannot bear it, I don't want you to suffer that." she cried, her face pressed into his chest.
"You stop that right now." he said sternly, moving so he could see her face, "You did not kill your children. Your choices did not kill your children. If we lose this baby, of course I will be devastated, but I will still have you. Do you understand?" There was a pause, Jess not saying a word, "Jess, do you understand? I need you to tell me you understand."
Jess broke down into tears again, nodding, "Callum I really want this baby, our baby, but I am so scared."
Callum rubbed her back soothingly, pressing kisses wherever he could, "I know my darlin', but this time you have me, and we will do it all together. You are not alone, I've got you."
The couple were sat eating breakfast the following morning. They had gone to bed after finding out about the baby and the following conversation, Jess sleeping better than she had for weeks. As soon as they had woken up, Callum had told Jess to stay in bed while he got her a drink before proceeding to make breakfast for her and serving it in the garden, where it was already sunny and warm. He had lit candles which were glowing prettily in the jewelled coloured glass holders.
"What's all this for?" Jess asked as she took a bite of toast.
"Well, now that you're pregnant, let me pick up the slack more." Callum said, pouring her a drink of apple juice.
"Did you just say that you're gonna pick up more of the slack?" Jess asked, feigning shock. Callum laughed.
"I did, don't take advantage though." Callum joked.
"Oh honey, of course I wouldn't. This is really good, thank you." Jess said in appreciation.
"You're welcome darlin'. How are you feeling this morning?" he asked slowly.
Jess paused before replying, "Lighter. Seeing that positive test scared me like nothing else, but like you said, I've got you this time. And if it doesn't work out the way we want it to, then it'll be fine."
Callum smiled, reaching for her hand, "Yes, it will be fine. I'm so happy Jess, truly I am. This might be even better than when you said you'd marry me, or when we got married."
Jess laughed, "I think I would agree."
"Just think Jess, a little girl with your eyes, my hair, and your sass. Or a son, tall like me but so kind like you." Callum said softly, not daring to think that far, "How many weeks do you think you are?"
"About eleven I think, I should probably make a midwife appointment to get booked in and get a scan." Jess thought, finishing her toast.
"Why don't you do that this morning then so it's done. Did you tell Sally you thought you were?" Callum asked.
Jess shook her head, "No, although she said it jokingly as I was moaning about being tired and my bra's had got a bit tight. Even if I had known, I wouldn't have told her first, Callum. This is our baby, that we made."
"Just checking as you do tend to tell her things first." he said pointedly.
Jess laughed, "True, but a baby is different. This is our secret."
"We're really having a baby aren't we." he said quietly, rubbing a hand over hiw face. She laughed.
"Yes, I really am having a baby, your baby. Is it starting to sink in a bit more?" she asked him.
"I think my brain has just caught up and truly comprehended the fact we've made a baby." he said, resting his hand on Jess' stomach lightly. Jess placed her hands over the top, resting her head on his shoulder.
The following evening, Jess was at home alone. Callum had gone in to cover Smithy's shift due to sickness. Jess had finished her dinner and was lounging on the sofa when the doorbell rang. She looked at her watch and frowned. It was nearly ten in the evening, who would be calling at this hour. She got to her feet and slowly walked to the door. She saw a silhouette through the frosted glass of the door and unlocked it, opening it slowly, but leaving the chain in place.
"Claire? Is that you?" she asked, peering through the darkness to the woman on her doorstep.
"Erm yes. Could I talk to you please?" Claire asked, looking around Jess into the house.
"What about?" Jess asked suspiciously.
"Callum of course." Claire replied obviously.
"How did you find our address?" Jess asked, knowing that they were ex directory.
"That's not important. Please can I come in?" Claire asked.
"Ok, but not for long." Jess said, moving to the side so Claire could enter. Claire stood in the hall awkwardly as Jess shut the front door, relocking it. "Come through." Claire followed Jess into the darkened living room. "Would you like a drink?"
"Yes please. Tea please, milk with one sugar. Thank you." Claire replied gratefully, perching on the edge of the sofa.
"You can get comfy." Jess said with a slight smile, watching as Claire relaxed slightly. She walked into the kitchen, wondering why Claire wanted to talk to her, wondering if she knew that only Jess was in. She was debating texting Callum to let him know Claire was here, just in case Claire decided to verbally attack her again, but something told her not to. She made the tea and grabbed herself a bottle of water from the fridge, returning to the living room and handing Claire the hot mug.
"Thanks Jess." Claire said. Jess could see that was really trying, so she sat down and smiled.
"So, what did you want?" Jess asked.
"The other week ended really badly." Claire said quietly.
"Yeah, understatement of the century perhaps?" Jess joked.
Claire smiled in return, "Yeah. The thing is, I know I went about it in completely the wrong way, and I know that I shouldn't have just popped out from nowhere and expected him to accept that I'm his sister. And I'm sorry for being rude to you, I just felt so confused and hurt and upset. I thought I'd lost the last of my family when mum died, because I had no clue how to find Callum even though I knew about him and had managed to find him before. Then to find him, and to see how much he looked like my dad, it was like having a part of my dad back. Does that make sense?"
Jess nodded, "It does. I think you're right about one thing; the way you went about introducing yourself to Callum as his sister was completely wrong. He doesn't want anything to do with you."
"That's why I wanted to talk to you." Claire began, "You're his wife, you know him better than anyone. How can I get him to talk to me?"
"There's your first mistake. You can't just get him to talk to you. You have to go about it slowly." Jess said.
"How do I do that?" Claire asked, sipping her tea.
Jess wondered if she should be helping Claire. She knew that Callum didn't want to get to know her, but maybe he was just scared of being left again. She decided that he needed his family, and even though he may not like it, Claire was his family. Her earlier reservations of Claire disappeared and she leaned forward, "Ok, maybe write him a letter. Explain your story, tell him why you want to get to know him, maybe apologise for the way you went about it. Just put anything you've ever wanted to tell him down."
Claire thought about it for a minute and nodded, "Thank you Jess, I really mean that. If I were you, I wouldn't have helped me, not after the way I treated you last time." Claire looked ashamed at the memory.
"You were upset, and you wanted to talk to your brother without me there. I understand. Now, why don't you go and get started on this letter? Address it here." Jess said.
"Alright I will. Sorry for calling so late as well, I wanted to make sure Callum wasn't here." Claire said.
"Oh, before you go, two questions." Jess said as Claire began to get up.
"Yes?" Claire asked, waiting.
"First, how did you find out where we live? Please answer me this time." Jess asked.
Claire had the decency to look sheepish.
"I looked you up in the address book." Claire answered.
"Really? I could've sworn we were ex-directory." Jess said, confused. "Second question, how did you know Callum was out?"
"I rang the station and asked if he was there. Simple." Claire said with a slight smile.
"Simple but effective. Thanks for stopping by. I hope the letter goes well. I'll make sure he reads it." Jess said with a smile as she saw Claire to the door. "I was wrong about you Claire, and I'm sorry."
Claire smiled at the younger women, "It's fine, I was wrong about you too." The two woman nodded their heads at each other as Claire left the house into the darkness of the street.
Jess had managed to get a midwife appointment for the Tuesday, and she had booked a scan for Thursday to confirm the pregnancy and run some screening tests. The midwife appointment went well, and Thursday morning came quickly for the couple. At breakfast, Callum couldn't stop smiling, he wolfed down the fry up Jess had made, even though they had an hour until the appointment. Jess laughed at him as he sped around the house, burning off nervous energy she thought.
"Aren't you excited?" Callum asked as he came to a brief stop in the kitchen.
"Of course I'm excited, I'm just tired, that's all, and anxious." Jess said, and Callum noticed the bags under her eyes.
"You not been sleeping well again?" he asked in concern, sitting next to her. Jess shook her head. The truth was, she'd been having vivid nightmares. They were always slightly different but they always had the same ending; with her baby dying. Just like Luke, just like Ellie, she dreamt that this baby, this sacred baby of Callum's, died and there was nothing she could do about it. It kept her up half the night; she didn't want to shut her eyes and see her baby lifeless over and over.
"What's wrong Jess?" He always could tell when she was keeping something back.
"It's nothing, just a few nightmares, that's all." Jess said tiredly.
"It's more than nothing if it's keeping you awake. What are the nightmares about?" Callum asked gently, able to guess but wanting to know for certain.
Jess paused, "I keep dreaming that our baby dies, like Luke and the baby did. All I can think about is that so far, any child of mine has died. What if I kill our baby Callum? What if another of my children dies?" Tears dripped down Jess' face and her body began to shake.
"Hey, hey, come here." he pulled her tightly against him; she gripped his t-shirt in her hands, not wanting to let go. "Listen darlin', we've gone through this, the deaths of Luke and Ellie were tragic, but they were accidents. They certainly weren't your fault, you understand? This baby won't die. You know why? Because we're its parents."
"But I was Luke and Ellie's mother, and they still died. What if it's my fault? What if it's something to do with me?" Jess wailed. Callum took her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him.
"Look at me. You did not kill your children. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame for their deaths, you understand? Now come on, let's go and clean up, get your bag, and we'll leave for the hospital. Ok?" Callum said reassuringly.
"Ok. I'm sorry." Jess said, wiping her eyes, embarrassed.
"Don't you ever feel sorry for crying in front of me. I wish I could take the anxiety and fear from you. Now come on." Callum kissed the top of her head, watching as she placed her plate in the dishwasher and walked out the kitchen.
"Mrs Stone?" the sonographer called out to the full waiting room. Women in either the early stages of pregnancy or at the five month stage crowded the waiting room. Some had children with them, playing noisily in the corner; some were clearly first time parents, with both the woman and partner looking terrified and exhilarated at the same time; and some women were on their own, no partner or other children.
Jess got to her feet, Callum right behind her, and followed the sonographer into a room. "Hello there. If you'd like to hop up onto the bed and lift your top up for me. Dad, if you want to sit here next to her." Callum exchanged an excited smile with Jess. They were about to see their baby for the first time. Jess slid onto the bed, lifting up her top, exposing her stomach. "I'm just going to put some gel onto your abdomen, it's going to be cold, sorry about that." The sonographer squirted the cold gel onto Jess' abdomen after placing a paper towel in the waistband of her shorts. He placed some gel onto the transducer as well. "Ready to meet your baby?"
"Very ready." Callum said with a laugh. He took Jess' hand in his, clasping it between both his hands. He pressed his lips against her fingers, his eyes fixed on the screen. The sonographer pressed the transducer firmly against Jess' abdomen, moving it around on her stomach. A grainy black and white picture appeared on the screen, but no baby so far.
"I get this all the time, not being able to find the little things." the sonographer said with a laugh. He stopped when he located the baby. "Ah here we go, he was just hiding, that's all."
"He?" Callum asked.
"Oh, I call all babies he. I don't know if your baby is a boy or girl at this stage. Sorry if I got your hopes up!" he said with a laugh.
"Right." Callum said, looking at the man closely.
"Ok, let's take some measurements." the sonographer said to himself.
"Can you hear our baby's heartbeat?" Jess said, turning her face momentarily to Callum. The persistent drumming noise filled the room.
"That's the heartbeat?" Callum asked in wonder. Jess nodded. "Is it supposed to be that fast?"
"Yeah it is. The heart's beating Callum." Jess said with a laugh, some of her anxiety easing at the comforting sound. They both returned to looking at the screen, watching their tiny baby squirm.
"Ok so all the checks look good so far, everything is growing and forming as it should be. Based on your measurements your due date is the 28th of December." the sonographer said with a smile.
"Not too long after our first wedding anniversary." Jess said with a beam.
"Wow, some present that will be! Would you like a print out of your baby?" he asked.
"Yes please." Callum said eagerly. The sonographer took some stills of baby Stone before printing them off. He handed Jess a paper towel to wipe the gel off her stomach.
"Here you go. Congratulations. I'll see you again in three months. Bye now." the sonographer said with a smile.
"A plum?" Callum asked for what felt like the hundredth time. "He's the size of a plum?"
Jess gently rubbed her hand on her stomach, "Yep, he's tiny."
"I just still can't believe it. That was just...something else." Callum said with a grin, turning the car down their road.
"Look at him. He's beautiful already." Jess said, cooing at the scan pictures.
"You know that now the pregnancy has been confirmed, you'll have to tell Inspector Gold and Smithy? And we'll have to do a risk assessment? No more action Barbie, Jess." Callum checked as he pulled into their driveway.
"Yeah I know. I'll tell them today when I go to work. I'll take the scan in as well." Jess said, getting out of the car.
"I bet Inspector Gold will be pleased." Callum said with a smirk.
"No doubt she will be." Jess laughed, scooping the post of the mat as she walked through the door. She thumbed through them. They were all bills except for one addressed to Callum. Jess had an idea who it was from. "Callum? There's a letter here for you."
"For me? Sure it's not a bill?" Callum asked, taking it from Jess' hand.
"Nope, it looks like a letter. Who's it from?" she asked, knowing full well who it was from.
"I don't know, let me open it and find out." Callum said, sitting down. Jess walked into the kitchen to get herself some water, and when she returned, Callum was reading through the letter. It appeared to be a few pages long. "It's from Claire." he said, putting the letter down next to him.
"Aren't you going to read it?" Jess asked, sipping her cold water.
"Did you know about this?" he asked suddenly, looking at her with suspicion. She put on the most innocent face she could muster.
"No, of course not. Why would I know about it?" Jess asked innocently. "But maybe you should read it. I'll be in the garden sunbathing when you've finished." And with that, Jess left Callum to read the letter from his sister Claire.