World 3-2: No, I Expect You To Dine

Despite her long and storied career as the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy, getting captured and being held prisoner wasn't something that Samus was used to. Usually, she was the one doing the capturing. That wasn't to say that it had never happened before, though. Just that it was rare enough to be something of a novelty to her. It was the main reason that she didn't just immediately break out of her restraints and vaporize the two idiots who thought they had the best of her.

"How do we get thisss ssstupid armor off of her?" the left head of the red hydra asked its giant crab of a companion.

"I don't know." The crab clamped one of its thick pincers tightly around Samus's leg and tried to crush it. Of course, the simple crab wasn't remotely strong enough to so much as put a dent in the Chozo-designed power armor she wore.

Samus had woken up to find herself hogtied and suspended by a rope from the ceiling in what seemed like some sort of dark cave full of thick wooden platforms and with light filtering in from above. It was hot and dry, leading Samus to believe they were likely in a volcanic region of some form. Regardless of that, though, her primary concern, or lack thereof, was with her captors.

"So, what exactly are you planning on doing with me?" Samus asked, her tone light and rather amiable given the circumstances.

"Huh, when did you wake up?" the snake's right head asked.

"Ssshouldn't that be obviousss?" the center head looked up at her smugly. "We're going to make you our bride!"

"No, she's going to be my bride!" the crab snapped at him angrily, and literally with its pincer.

"We will decccide that later," the left head said.

Samus glared down at the two of them incredulously. Or the four of them, she wasn't sure whether to count the hydra as one or three. Not that it particularly mattered. It had been quite a while since she'd met anyone quite this brazen.

"Come on, at least buy a girl dinner first," she remarked sarcastically, getting ready to break out of her restraints. While amusing for a moment, it was time to get serious.

"Hahaha, you fool!' The center head scoffed. "Look behind you!"

Samus shot the idiot an annoyed glare, but he didn't seem to respond at all to the look that would have sent most sentient beings to their knees, or whatever biological approximation they had. Then she remembered that her face wouldn't have been visible behind the visor of her helmet. Deciding to humor the just a bit longer, she dematerialized her helmet so that she could give the buffoons a proper angry look.

"And how am I supposed to do that?" she asked, making a show of trying to move in her restraints.

"Oh, right," the three-headed snake looked down abashedly with all six eyes.

"Here, let me help you with that." the crab reached up and swung Samus around. Her eyes widened as she saw what was waiting there.

"I… I was joking about dinner…"

A candlelit table set for three was sitting there, a vase full of exotic flowers serving as a centerpiece. Several of the masked figures from earlier, Shy Guys, she remembered them being called, were gathered around wearing bowties. One set down a silver tray on the table, while another stood ready with what looked like an old violin and a third was carrying a champagne bottle. The first one removed the lid from the tray to reveal a large plate of spaghetti. Samus' stomach rumbled as the smell wafted over to her. It technically hadn't been that long since she'd last eaten but she still found herself tempted by the food.

"I gotta say, I was expecting something much more… unsavory when you were asking how to get me out of my armor," Samus said.

"Well, how elssse were we sssupposed to get you into this dressssss?" the snake said before slithering back into view. Another Shy Guy marched over, holding up a silky, sleeveless blue gown with a high collar and frilled skirt, as well as matching shoes.

Samus stared back and forth between her captors. After a lot of deliberation, she rematerialized her helmet and rocked forward, triggering her Screw Attack to cut through the ropes instantly and lang on her feet. While the hydra, crab and their servants where caught off guard, she rushed forward and grabbed the dress before curling up into her Morph Ball form and rolling off to the table before standing up again. With a thought, Samus dismissed her power armor to reveal herself clad in the elegant evening gown they had provided for her.

Sure, this was probably a trap or something, but it seemed like a fun trap.

"So," Samus pulled out her hair tie and shook her head so that her blonde locks fell loosely around her shoulders as she sat down, "who wants to show a girl a good time?"

* S * R * B *

Unaware of his companions' current whereabouts, Ridley tried not to make himself too comfortable as he sat at the banquet table with King Wart. The giant toad proved himself quite the glutton, while the space dragon ate only enough to not seem rude. He was a guest, after all, and hospitality went both ways. Even if they'd likely be fighting each other to the death or something later.

"And then I eventually found myself here," Wart said as he finished expositing his entire backstory to the disinterested ex-pirate. "Don't get me wrong, I enjoy ruling this kingdom that I built with my own two hands but the fact remains that this world is little more than a shadow, a pale imitation. None of us will ever truly know happiness or satisfaction as long as we're stuck here in the dream world. Or revenge."

"I don't know, it sounds like you've got a pretty good deal here," Ridley humored him. "It sounds like you might be better off not even bothering with the so-called real world."

"This place certainly has its advantages," Wart nodded in agreement. "Untethered from the shackles of the material realm, we do have the advantage of being… more, than we ever could have been in life. And if you join us, I can show you how to take advantage of those perks. Imagine, being able to become the greatest version of yourself you could be."

"Yeah, pretty sure that I was already that before you dragged me here," Ridley quipped. "I was certainly the happiest I've ever been, anyway."

"Happy, yes, but satisfied?" Wart asked. "You were once the most feared pirate in the universe, a monster without peer that could do whatever you wanted! Sure, the quaint life of a plumber out in the middle of nowhere might seem nice at the moment, a novelty, you might say, but do you really think that you, a creature designed to be the ultimate weapon, could ever truly be fulfilled by such a lifestyle? You were meant for more, Ridley. And I think you know that. Join me and I will do everything in my power to ensure that you live up to what you were always meant to be."

Ridley picked up a jug of some liquid or another and downed the contents as a way of giving himself a moment to reply. He knew that Wart was just trying to rial him up, to try and make him revert back to what he once was. But Ridley had already come to peace with the fact that those days were long behind him. He was a new dragon, no longer the heartless monster that once terrorized the Federation but now the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. He wouldn't give up his new life for anything, would he?

Wart gave him a knowing smirk before pushing a plate in front of Ridley. He looked down to find a steaming blue lobster and at once was reminded of his former crew. Zebesians, they called themselves despite not being actual natives of the planet Zebes. One of the most common species within the larger Space Pirate organization and the ones he most often captained in his long career. Memories came flooding back to him all at once of his pirate days, of pillaging and violence. He'd done his best to move on from that part of himself. And yet he still found himself filled with a sense of… nostalgia was probably the best word for it.

"Ah, I see you're remembering who you really are," Wart said satisfactorily for some reason.

Ridley glared at the supposed king and gave an indignant flap of his wings in response. Then he froze.

Wings. His wings. They were back. He hadn't even fully realized just how much he had missed them until that moment.

"This changes nothing," Ridley muttered, looking down at the mad tyrant sitting at the other end of the table.

Wait, down? But hadn't Wart been larger than him before? But now that he looked around, everything else seemed smaller as well, which meant that…

Ridley was the one who had grown larger. Significantly so. By his estimate, he must have been around his original height from before that fateful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. His true size. Sure, he'd grown to accept the fact that he would spend the rest of his life stuck in that reduced form and he'd even managed to convince himself that he was better off that way… No, that was a lie. There had always been a part of him yearning to be restored to his proper form.

He stared down at his clawed hands in amazement and before his very eyes, his leathery skin dulled and faded. The purple color he'd taken to in recent years gave way to the muddy brown he'd worn back during the heyday of his pirating career, the era before he'd ever faced the Hunter in battle.

"So, Captain Ridley," Wart leaned back in his seat and smiled smugly, "now that you've had a taste of what we can offer you, what do you say? Are you willing to take on a new crew, as a member of my 8-bits?"

No! The answer had to be no! Ridley had responsibilities. He was a hero now, a plumber. Those days were long behind him and he'd done everything he could to bury that part of himself.

'Never forget who and what you are.'

A girl's voice echoed distantly in the back of his mind. But who was he? What was he?

He was Ridley.

He was a monster.

"You're on."

* S * R * B *

"And so then he was all like, 'hand's off my bread!' and we got into a big fight over it," Samus said between mouthfuls of the most utterly delicious chocolate cake that she had ever had the chance to eat. Sure, it wasn't exactly very ladylike of her to talk with her mouth full but she'd never exactly been much of a lady despite what Adam used to call her. "I mean, it was just a slice of toast for crying out loud! Needless to say, that relationship didn't last very long."

Triclyde and Clawgrip nodded along with her story, trying to hold it together. She'd been going on like that for a couple hours at this point, rambling on about past adventures and various exes. They'd learned far more than they had ever wanted to know about the turbulent love life of Samus Aran.

"Hm, yesss," Triclyde hissed unenthusiastically with all three heads in unison.

"How are you enjoying the cake?" Clawgrib asked, accidentally splashing some wine as he tried to pick up his glass with one of his big, meaty pincers.

"Oh, this is delicious!" Samus gushed as she set down her fork, having just finished the last bite. "Y'all simply must send my regards to the chef. Do you think they'd be willing to share the recipe?"

"We'll be sssure to asssk," Triclyde's left head muttered before he slithered off of his seat.

"Now that dinner'sss jussst about wrapped up," the right head spoke up, "It'sss time for the main event."

The red snake-like creature wrapped his tail around, revealing a small black box that popped open to reveal a silver ring adorned with emeralds arranged into a scalelike pattern.

"Will you marry usss?" the center head asked.

"No!" Clawgrip jumped from his own chair and held out a similar velvet case, which held a gold ring shaped like a pair of grab pincers clutching a ruby. "She's going to marry me!"

"Oh, boys!" Samus plush and clutched her face with both hands before turning away. Obviously, she wasn't going to seriously consider either offer but she was having just so much fun playing along with this little show. "However will I choose?"

"There'sss nothing more ssseductive than a sssnake," Triclyde's right head said. "Sssurely you can't resssissst this temptation!"

"Crabs are the ultimate lifeforms!" Clawgrip declared. "Everything else is just slowly growing to be more like us!"

"You both raise such good points," Samus lied. "It looks like y'all leave me with no other choice!"

Samus grabbed both rings from them and placed them both on her finger.

"I'll have to marry you both!" she announced happily, trying her best to keep a straight face.

"What?" Clawgrip took a step back.

"That wasssn't an option!" Tryclide's left head protested.

Samus just shook her head and pulled them both (or all four of them?) into a hug. "Oh, we'll just be so great together as husband and wife and husband! Of course, if I marry both of you, that means you'll have to marry each other as well."

Four sets of eyes widened as they looked at each other in dawning horror.

"Oh, and we'll have such darling little snake crabs together!" Samus continued, acting like she was blissfully unaware of their growing discomfort. "You'll be Mister and Mister Aran!"

She could almost hear their minds shatter as the two (four?) pulled themselves out of her grip.

"You know what, um, I can't get away to marry you today," Clawgrip said hesitantly. "My, um, wife won't let me."

The crab skittered off as quickly as his legs would carry him as Samus, Triclyde and the Shy Guys watched him go.

"Well, fine, then!" Samus called after him angrily. "Just run away from this relationship, see what I care! But I'm taking everything in the divorce!"

"So, um," Triclyde looked up at her hesitantly, "doesss that mean you're going to marry usss?"

Samus pretended to consider it for a moment, wondering how a snake could sweat that much.

"Hm, no, I don't think I will," she said at last. "I'm keeping the dress, though. And the rings."

With that, Samus called her suit back and pointed the cannon directly at her would-be suitor. The serpent panicked and tried to flee but all three heads pulled in different directions and they ended up getting tangled into a knot instead. She didn't even have to actually do anything. Some of the Shy Guys did try to tackle her, though, but quickly found themselves encased in ice.

"Well, it's been fun," Samus said, genuinely meaning it. "But I've got to go find the others now. How do I get out of here?"

One of Triclyde's heads, she couldn't even tell for sure which one, looked weakly up at where the light was coming from up above.

"Yeah, figures," Samus nodded and turned to leave but stopped. "For the record, never ask someone to marry you on the first date. That's just… weird."

The armored bounty hunter hopped up, using her Space Jump boosters to practically fly out of there. As she ascended the strange cave, she noticed that the oddly smooth walls seemed to taper in towards each other the higher she got until she finally reached the narrow opening from which she could see the blight blue sky overhead. It was much smaller than she'd been expecting, to the point where she had to squeeze her way through.

Eventually, she managed to climb part of the way out so that only her legs were still dangling below the hole and she looked around. It seemed that her guess about being in a volcanic region had been completely off base. She instead found herself in a cast desert, sandy dunes stretching out as far as her eyes could see, as well as a few large pyramids in the distance. Then she looked down and was startled to find herself crawling out a tall, red and white ceramic pot propped up next to a cactus. She finished pulling herself out and stepped foot on the hot yellow sands before peering back down the hole she'd just been in.

"This place is weird," she decided before knocking over what she had thought had been a massive underground cave. There was nothing but more sand underneath, confirming that the pot hadn't simply been placed over the real entrance to the cave but had in fact been what she'd been in that entire time. "Oh, well, time to find the others, I guess."

* S * R * B *

Wart walked with purpose as he made his way along the mazelike corridors of his grand palace. In contrast, Ridley skulked along the ceiling behind him like a predator waiting to pounce on its unsuspecting prey. Wart wasn't the prey, of course. He was a guide, leading the beast to its next proverbial meal. Or perhaps a literal one, depending on how things turned out.

The king rounded one last corner before coming to a locked door. Shuffling his hand through the pocket sewn into the inner lining of his cape, Wart produced a set of keys and used one to unlock the door before pushing it open. The light behind them filtered into the dark underground dungeons waiting for them at the base of a long flight of stairs.

"Right this way," he said as the beast dropped down to the floor beside him. "This is where we keep the prisoners. You're free to do with them as you wish. Just try not to make too much of a mess down there."

Wart let out a bellowing croak of a laugh and Ridley followed suit with his own raspy chuckle before heading into the abyss. Wart would have followed but he didn't have the stomach to witness what was most likely going to happen. He'd created a monster and was now unleashing it on the captured residents of the… what was it called? Mushroom Kingdom? Yes… Toys for his new pet, to keep him occupied until Wart's other followers could find another lead on the location of the Star Rod. He had no doubt that Ridley would be a fine tool indeed for his invasion.

Wart was one step closer to his goals. One step closer to finally claiming his prize. Hyrule would be his.

* S * R * B *

Author's Notes: Oh, goddess, I need to get better at getting these chapters done ahead of time. I ended up having to power through this whole chapter on the morning I'm posting it because I hadn't even gotten started on writing it before now. Good thing I had the day off from work, I guess.

I had originally been planning on giving each of the members of the 8-bits their own tragic backstories and motivations for why they do what they do. I got as far as Wart, Mouser and Birdo, then couldn't come up with anything interesting for the others. I didn't even have any plans for what Triclyde and Clawgrip wanted until I sat down to write this chapter and then suddenly I went "Hey, wouldn't this be funny?" And then I ended up writing this. Clawgrip's final line is a reference to the old song Waiting at the Church, in which a bride gets stood up at the altar because the groom "Can't get away to marry you today, my wife won't let me." Why the sketch of Miss Piggy and Kermit singing that song on The Muppet Show popped into my head, I don't know.

Oh, and there's some stuff with Ridley here, too. I'm sure that's not important at all.