(Pony)
Six years ago
The boys home is loud. There's lots of kids here, running around, yelling, pushing and shouting. A few of them might be nice, I honestly wouldn't know. I haven't talked to any of them since I got here three days ago.
Mrs. Dabney had dropped me off, she had given me a pat on the head and said it had been a pleasure getting to know me but someone else would be taking over my case from here on out. While I wasn't fond of her at all, she was at least familiar and now even she was leaving me. I hadn't answered her, just gave a shrug as I was ushered into a big brick building.
One of the staff members had brought me to my room. It was big, filled with bunks. He showed me to a bottom bunk in the far corner and I sat myself on it, drawing my knees to my chest. And that's how I've sat for the last three days. They made me come down for meals, but I'd just pick at it until they said I was dismissed, heading back to my bunk and praying for everyone to just leave me alone.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to the Thompsons. They had been nice, safe. I barely remembered my life before them, no matter how hard I wracked my brain. I couldn't really remember my parents, their images replaced with images of the Thompsons, who I had considered my parents for the last three years. But even though I had considered them my parents, I guess they didn't consider me their son, I wasn't theirs. I didn't belong to anyone.
The boys here reminded me of my brothers. But even they seemed to be fading from me. I could barely remember what they looked like or how they talked. I could only remember bits and pieces of them. It was almost like I missed the idea of them more than I actually missed them.
I had slept terribly since I got there but I didn't have a nightmare until that third night. I'd been screaming in my sleep, thrashing around so hard in my bed that my sheets were a twisted pile on the floor. One of the boys got up and shook me, jerking me hard enough to make me wake up. I woke up with a gasp, not sure where I was or why I was absolutely terrified.
"Geez kid, some of us are trying to sleep. Keep it down" the boy in front of me said.
I still didn't want to talk to anyone so I just nodded, wiping a hand over my face. The kid went back to his own bed.
I was too scared to go back to sleep. I couldn't remember what the dream had been about, not a single detail. All I knew is that whatever it was I dreamed about had left me with shaky and sweaty hands, heart pounding in my chest. I wanted to cry but the tears didn't come. I curled up on my side, staring at the wall, determined to stay awake the rest of the night so I wouldn't have to go back to whatever dream had spooked me so bad.
I managed to stay awake the rest of the night, but another nightmare followed the next night. Despite my best efforts to stay awake again, I had drifted off only to be woken up by several boys yelling at me to shut up, the same boy shaking me from my sleep. He shook his head at me in disgust as he made his way back to his bunk. One of the other boys came over to my bed, leading one of the staff members over to me.
"Hey buddy, you have a nightmare?" he asked, crouching down beside my bed.
I nodded, heart pounding like I was still in the clutches of the nightmare.
"Let's go take a walk"
He held his hand out for me. I didn't want to take it but I also wanted to get away from the eyes of the other boys that I could sense in the dark room. I didn't take the man's hand, but I slid out of bed and followed him out. He took me to a small office, filled with cabinets and a small cot. He gestured for me to sit on the cot. I scooted into the furthest corner of it, drawing my knees to my chest, trying to make myself as small as possible.
"Wait here for a minute, okay?" the man said. And then he left, closing the door quietly behind him and leaving me all by myself in the small office. Part of me wanted to get up and run, to climb out the window and into the night and just get away. But where would I go? Nobody wanted me, I didn't have anywhere to go.
A quiet knock on the door startled me from my thoughts. An older lady came into the room, her hair in a messy bun and pulling a sweater over her night dress. She looked like she had just woken up and given the hour, I'm sure someone woke her up to come deal with me.
"Hi there, I'm Nurse Linda. What's your name?" she asked.
I didn't answer, I just kept staring at my hands where they were clutching my knees.
She hummed lightly as she pulled a stool over to the cot I was sitting on.
"I heard you had a nightmare. Is that true?" she asks.
"Want to tell me what it was about?" she tries again.
She sighs, but not in an annoyed way, more like a tired way.
"You know, some of the staff members have told me that you haven't been talking, not even to the other boys. Why is that? Don't you want to make some friends here?"
I don't want to make friends here. I don't want to make friends anywhere. Everyone ends up leaving me, I just don't want it to hurt so bad when they do. I keep staring at my hands.
"Michael, we can't help you here unless you talk to us. I want to help you, but I need you to tell me what you need."
I look up at her slowly. Why did she call me Michael? That was my middle name but no one called me that. Mr. Thompson had called me Michael sometimes but that was it.
Our eyes met. She had kind eyes, eyes that seemed to say she really wanted to help. But I didn't want her help. I just wanted to be left alone.
She sighed again, "Let's start with this. How about I give you something to help you sleep tonight and then tomorrow we'll meet again and try to figure out what we need to do to help you. Does that sound okay, Michael?"
"I don't want to go back to sleep" I whisper, scared that the nightmare will return.
"Worried about another nightmare?" she asks kindly. I nod slowly.
"I can give you some medicine to help you sleep, it'll make you sleepy enough that you won't have another nightmare tonight."
"Promise?"
"I promise"
She bustles around the room, getting a pill from one of the cabinets. She carefully cuts the pill in half and brings it to me with a glass of water.
I look between her and the pill, feeling unsure. She seems to sense my hesitancy.
"It'll be okay, this will help you feel better"
"I can't swallow pills" I say quietly.
She lets out a small chuckle, "Oh I'm sorry sweetie. Sometimes I forget how little some of you boys are. Most seven year olds can't take pills without a little help. Let me get you some applesauce."
She comes back with a small cup of applesauce and a spoon. She scoops a bit of the applesauce onto the spoon and then plops the pill in. She brings the spoon to my lips, feeding it to me. It makes me feel like a baby but I take the spoon in my mouth and swallow it all. She offers me some water and I take a drink, washing everything down.
"Good boy" she hums. She goes around the cot, helping me settle back into it, pulling out an extra blanket and tucking it around me.
"Now you just get some rest" she brushed the hair from my face, it reminds me of how Mrs. Thompson used to do that too. Nurse Linda gets up and takes a seat at the small desk, pulling out some files and starts writing something down.
The pill works fast. My eyelids feel heavy, too heavy to open. I fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.
…..
For the next week, my nights go the same. Nurse Linda takes me to the office at bedtime. She offers to let me try and sleep without the medicine but I always ask for it, scared that the nightmare will return without it. The medicine makes me feel funny, like I'm moving in slow motion. I feel sleepy all day, not just at night. But the weird feeling outweighs the terror from the nightmares.
I kind of like Nurse Linda. I try not to, because I don't want to like anyone, but I can't help it. She's nice, and she doesn't try to force me to talk like some of the other staff members or boys do. Maybe that's why she's the only person I've found myself being able to talk to.
"I'm just not sure what we are going to do with you, Michael" she says, a week after we had started our nighttime routine.
"That's not my name" I decided to tell her.
She looks at me oddly.
"What do you mean that's not your name?"
"Michael is one of my names but it's not my actual name"
"What's your actual name then?
"Ponyboy"
Her eyebrows quirk up, "That is certainly an unusual name. Is that a nickname?"
I shake my head, "No, it's my real name, honest"
She hums but still looks like she doesn't believe me.
"My brother's name is Sodapop" I tell her, surprising myself. I haven't mentioned my brothers out loud in a long time. But it feels good to say his name, to remember that me and my brother both have our special names.
"Brother? I didn't know you had a brother" Nurse Linda says, looking at me with her hands on her hips.
"I have two" I tell her as she continues to look at me with an odd expression.
"Are they here with you?"
"No, I don't know where they are"
"Well that's the nice thing about imaginary friends. They can come visit us whenever we want them to"
'Imaginary friends?!' I think to myself. They aren't imaginary! They're my real brothers, even if I haven't seen them in forever and it's hard for me to picture their faces. But they're real.
"They're real. They just aren't here" I tell her, she gives me another look.
"They are!" I yell.
She brings her stool over to the side of the bed, looking me straight in the eyes.
"I've always been honest with you, haven't I?"
I nod, unsure of where she's going with this.
"Well I need you to be honest with me too. No more of these little fibs"
"I'm not fibbing!" I say, upset that she thinks I'm lying. She gets up and goes to the file cabinet, taking some papers and bringing them back over to me.
"I do have brothers" I whisper, but a tiny seed of doubt had been planted in my head.
"Look at this Michael. This is your file. It has your name and all of your information. Your name is Michael and you don't have any brothers or sisters."
"I don't want to look at that!" I yell, tears of anger starting to pool in my eyes.
"Do you want me to read it to you?"
"No!" I yell, "I want you to leave me alone! I just want to go to sleep"
She sighs but gets me my medicine and some applesauce. I snatch the spoon from her, swallowing it all in an angry gulp. I turn away from her, curling myself up into a small ball. She tries to pat my shoulder but I jerk it away from her. Angry tears leak down my face, getting the pillow wet.
I do have brothers, I think to myself, I do .
But where are they? Why didn't they come to get you? Why would they leave you all alone? A wicked voice whispers back.
And I don't have an answer for that.
…
The next morning I'm brought to the main office. Nurse Linda is there along with some other staff members. I don't know what this is about but I'm immediately filled with unease. I'm led to a seat next to a woman I don't recognize. She turns to me and smiles, she looks like a snake, the smile doesn't reach her cold eyes.
"Michael, Nurse Linda has brought to our attention that this boy's home might not be the best place for you. We think you might be better off in a different living environment." says the man behind the desk.
My name is Ponyboy, I think, but don't say out loud. I don't want to fight with all of these grown ups in the room.
"We've already gathered your things. Your new social worker will be taking you to your next placement. I really do hope it will be a better fit for you" the man says, signaling one of the staff to take my bag.
Nurse Linda comes up to me and takes one of my hands, giving it a squeeze.
"I think this will be good for you. It'll get better" she says.
"Promise?" I ask, scared of being sent off somewhere new again.
"I promise" Nurse Linda says with a smile. She leaves, the other staff following her, leaving me alone with the snake woman.
The snake woman turns to me, her eyes are scary. I don't think I've ever seen eyes that cold.
"Hi there, Michael. I'm Mrs. Moore, your new social worker"