A/N: Thank you all for being so patient with me :) I hope you all enjoy the chapter!
Hailey decided that having mandatory time off during the month of December was not the worst thing in the world.
If she didn't feel like getting out of bed on a cold, windy day - she didn't have to.
If the roads were clogged with morning traffic - she could wait to shop until later in the afternoon.
If she wanted to wrap Jay's Christmas presents without him seeing - she did so as soon as he left for work.
Being back home after five days in the hospital was a relief. The nurses were kind and she didn't mind most of the doctors, but having her own bed and shower and food was more comforting than anything she could have asked for during her stay.
Her body still ached and the harsh tugging in her side whenever she lifted her left arm kept bugging her, but she was home, and that was all that mattered.
In addition to the babies she tried getting to know in her belly.
They couldn't kick her yet and she didn't have any sign of a bump, but her continued morning sickness was a reminder that they were there. Mixed with the pills she was taking to prevent infection and the pain medication she was weaning off of, she was not feeling her best most days.
"I think we're going to fill that nausea medicine for sure," Jay said as she tried catching her breath after throwing up a week after she'd gotten home.
She closed her eyes. On her last day in the hospital, one of the nurses had found her throwing up in the trash can with Jay's help. She alerted Hannah who then came to talk to Hailey about her morning sickness and prescribed her medicine to combat all the nausea she'd been feeling. She'd appreciated the gesture, but never ended up dropping off the prescription at the pharmacy.
Jay was right, though, and it was definitely something they needed to do.
It took a few days to really kick in, but she realized, as Christmas neared, how much more at peace she felt when she woke up in the morning and didn't need to run to the toilet right away to get sick. Chicken still grossed her out, and she was unsure about turkey, but she felt good about being able to last a day without getting sick.
"I really want to go to the cabin for Christmas and maybe even New Year's," she told Jay the night he came home from his last day of work for the semester. Her hand came up to wrap around the necklace she had yet to take off after Jay gave it to her for their anniversary. "We have the time, so why not?"
He raised an eyebrow and let his eyes flicker over her hand before quietly asking, "It's a three hour car ride. Are you up for that?"
"I haven't thrown up in three days," she responded, "Want me to keep a sign in the bathroom to keep track?"
Jay finally cracked a smile and said, "I don't know what our guests will think about that."
Hailey shrugged and looked over to her laptop on the kitchen island. She'd been starting a house search between the Christmas shopping, wrapping, and napping she'd been doing. Their apartment had been a dream to find and live in. The view was incredible, especially paired with a balcony and ceiling height windows that opened up to the living room and kitchen. Their bedroom was huge, and the bathroom was rather nice. But that was it. There weren't any other spaces in the place. They didn't exactly have room for a dining room table. There wasn't a basement or a yard. It was an apartment for a couple, not a family.
They needed a house, if they were going to have twins, even if it wasn't going to be the nicest one that they'd live out the rest of their lives in.
"Do you think we'll have guests again?" she asked quietly.
"You're pregnant and it's the holidays, yeah, I think we're going to have guests over the next few months - let alone weeks," Jay chuckled.
She couldn't help but sigh as she turned back toward him. "But if we move?"
He stared back at her, and she could see the realization cross his face.
She couldn't necessarily blame him for not thinking about it yet. He'd been really busy at work with the end of the semester, and then there were a few nights where he admitted to going out Christmas shopping before coming home with some sort of take-out for dinner. Not to mention just the thought of having twins and his wife's health that were certainly taking place in his mind. He probably hadn't gotten to the sort of worrying she'd had about space and where exactly these babies were going to sleep some day.
"Oh."
"Yeah," she said with a quiet laugh, "It's…it's gonna have to happen."
Jay looked around the apartment and whispered, "Yeah, it definitely is."
Hailey bit her lip then reached over to squeeze his wrist. When he met her eyes again, she took a deep breath and visibly released the tension in her shoulders. "Talk about it after the New Year?"
Jay studied her for a moment then nodded. "Yeah," he breathed, flipping his hand around to grab onto her fingers, "We'll figure it out once we get back to Chicago."
Hailey's smile widened, and she couldn't help but lean forward to wrap her arms around him in a hug. "Thank you," she whispered.
He hummed and rubbed her back while holding her close to him. "It'll be good for us," he said softly, "We can get away for a bit, just us, then come home and tackle all the semantics of having two babies."
She laughed slightly and sat back, nodding quickly. "Then the countdown begins." Brushing her hand along the side of his cheek, she took a deep breath and slowly shook her head in disbelief.
Jay raised an eyebrow and set a hand on her thigh. "What is it?"
"I'm just…"
There were too many emotions all tied up in her stomach to really articulate which one she was feeling the most, so she landed on the one that seemed to be the simplest to explain.
"Happy."
Jay chuckled and leaned forward to kiss her slowly. "I am too," he murmured against her lips.
His hand slid up her leg, and she let out a quiet moan at the softest touch of his fingertips against her. Leaning into him, she knew that as time went on, moments like right now were going to be harder and harder to come by.
But they had no responsibilities, no work, not even a belly to work around. Just two weeks of only them and whatever they wanted to do. It was a version of peace she'd never experienced before, not even when they went on their honeymoon in Holland. Time practically felt endless right now in a place where they normally should be running around doing everything for everyone else. It was new and exciting, and Hailey wished it would never end.
Luckily for her, it wasn't going to end for a while, and she could properly enjoy the holidays for the first time in two years.
She couldn't wait.
Hailey loved visiting Jay's family's cabin. They didn't get to go often, but its peacefulness within nature instantly calmed her down the second they parked the car in the gravel driveway.
Jay's grandfather had been an architect and designed the cabin himself for his family. At the time, he was newly married and had a loose idea of what he could build for generations to come. He didn't have much money in addition to the plot of land, but it was a dream of what he could eventually have.
By the time his oldest of two sons was entering middle school, the cabin was finally finished, and he was able to bring his kids up every summer for weeks on end. They grew up in the cabin, eventually taking their own children there who continued going for years to come.
Jay's handprints were pressed into a stepping stone within the garden they now split sharing with Will and the nearby deer. His height was tracked on the bathroom door with his brother's and cousins', and his name was carved into the bottom of one of the bunk beds in the loft space. The kayak he received for his 17th birthday hung in the garage along with both fishing poles he used when he was younger - the navy one was just in a bit better shape than the Blues Clues one.
It was his summer home, and she hated that a complicated relationship with his father took some of that from him for so long.
After his father had died, he slowly started visiting the cabin more, showing her pictures of the work he'd done to maintain the upgrades his dad and uncle had put in over the years. He became a handyman, and she had quite a few daydreams of how that could translate into a future home for them both, even if they weren't dating yet.
The small trips they took together on shared days off throughout their relationship were some of the ones she treasured the most. They're when she learned about his mom and the flower garden she tried keeping alive every year and the pumpkin patch his dad became obsessed with protecting. The deer blinds he'd built with Will and the wallpaper he'd tried hanging with his cousins in the bathroom before his aunt took over. The tree he climbed at age 6 and the boulder he tripped over when spraining his ankle at 11. The time he got lost in the woods with his grandpa and the spring his grandma spent perfecting making syrup from the surrounding trees.
The cabin in Wisconsin didn't necessarily make her fall in love with Jay - he'd done that on his own in Chicago - but it made her fall in love with his past and his upbringing. He was who he was because of this place, and she couldn't wait to see who her children were because of it as well.
"Holy crap," Jay breathed the second they walked inside the dark green cabin.
Hailey huffed out her own breath and watched it form a small cloud in front of her. It was freezing cold, probably just as cold as it was outside. Even through the gloves she'd shoved on before jumping down from the truck, she could feel the icy air pricking at her fingertips.
"Jay," she said quietly, lowering her backpack to the floor.
He dragged his suitcase into the living room and pushed it toward the primary bedroom before kneeling next to the wood stove. "Give me a minute to get this started," he said, already pulling his own gloves off.
She nodded and said, "I'll go get-"
"No, no, you don't have to do that," he replied as he looked over at her still standing in the doorway, "I don't want you to slip or lift too much. Too many things can go wrong out there. Just…stay here."
Hailey raised an eyebrow. "Jay."
"The fire will be up and going in like five minutes, then I'll get the rest," he continued, turning back to the stove, "Mandy came up for Thanksgiving, and she and Leah left enough wood in here so we don't have to run out to the pile for a bit. We're set, Hailey. How about, actually, you text them, thank them for setting us up, and then start the oven for the pizza we brought."
She rolled her eyes, but still pulled out her phone to send the text to his cousin and her wife before foregoing the kitchen and making her way to the electrical panel to turn everything on for their stay. She'd watched Jay do it for long enough that she was perfectly capable of doing more than just turning on the oven in the kitchen.
"Fire's started! I'm gonna run out for your suitcase and the food."
"Yup!"
Hailey walked into the small kitchen and turned on the oven as he'd asked, hoping it'd help heat up the cabin as well. She looked up as a gust of wind snuck in behind Jay as he left then finally slipped her coat and gloves off. Hanging them up on the coat rack Will had made with their grandpa years and years before, she slowly walked into the living room where the fire was already starting to warm the area. As she warmed her hands above the stove, her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she pulled it out to smile at the message on the screen from Mandy wishing her well and telling her there were Christmas decorations in the storage closet.
Before Jay could return to the cabin with as many of their belongings as he could hold, she hurried over to the closet and threw open the door to find a few plastic bins filled with different decorations, some of which surely had to have been older than her. She pushed past the one labeled 4th of July and pulled at the Christmas box. Just as she opened the lid, the door opened and wind rushed inside again.
"Okay, I have your suitcase, my backpack, and the cooler. I'll go get the presents after we eat."
Hailey hummed and rifled through the decorations she'd found. There was a small Christmas tree paired with plastic ornaments, a string of lights, a couple snowmen made out of socks, a few signs, a bag of cookie cutters, a wreath, and a handful of felt stockings tucked away at the bottom.
"Oh, did you find the things to help with the drafts under the doors?" Jay asked, "There should be a few in there."
"Uh." Hailey looked up from the box and spotted the three long, black stoppers to be placed alongside the bottom of the exterior doors. "Yeah." She grabbed at the pile of stockings and backed out of the closet for a better look at them.
They were all red with a white lining along the top - clearly homemade, but that didn't make them any less special - and along that lining was everyone's name written in green puffy paint. Nana. Papa. Patrick. Robert. Amelia. Michelle. Amanda. William. Noah. Jay. Some glitter was sprinkled throughout, but they were otherwise rather plain. They didn't seem to have been used often, and, with their small size, they couldn't have fit much inside.
"What'd you- Oh."
Hailey looked up at Jay's soft voice. He stopped pulling his coat off and stood staring at her with all the stockings in her hands.
"Mandy said there were Christmas decorations in here," she explained softly, "I thought we could set them up."
Jay nodded slightly and walked over. He stuffed his gloves in his coat pockets before grabbing the stockings from her. Rifling through them, he breathed out a quiet laugh and whispered, "I forgot about these."
Hailey smiled and set a hand on his back. "Did you guys spend a lot of Christmases here?"
"No," Jay murmured, "Maybe three or four. My grandma made these so we'd have stockings; we used them here and if we'd celebrate at their actual house. My grandpa literally nailed them to the wall by the stove; he said it was too dangerous to have them hanging from it."
"Smart man," Hailey replied.
Jay laughed and nodded. "He was." He sighed before stepping around her to put the stockings back in the bin.
"Hey, what're you doing?" Hailey asked, "I thought-"
"You don't have one," Jay interrupted, "I'd feel selfish or narcissistic or something if all we put up was a stocking with my name on it. We can use the rest of the stuff, but it's okay if we skip the stockings this year."
Hailey bit her lip. "Are you sure? They're…they're your family's."
"Of course I'm sure," Jay said. He lifted the Christmas bin and brought it out to look through it. "Yeah, we can definitely just use the rest of this stuff, but let's do that later. I'm pretty hungry right now, and you've got to be starving too."
Hailey let the thought of the stockings leave her mind, instead, raising an eyebrow and trying to hold back a smirk as she crossed her arms and said, "Oh, really? I have to be starving. What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're growing two humans," Jay chuckled. He kissed her cheek then slipped his coat off. "Sounds like a lot of work to me."
Hailey laughed and set her hands on her stomach. If she could have felt the babies kick or at least feel a bump where they were sitting, she would have been a lot happier with all the "work" she was putting in, but, until then, she was going to settle on just knowing that they were in there. Next Christmas, they'd be out here in her arms, and the excitement of all that was to come let her forget Jay's comment and just focus on the fun of everything she was experiencing right now.
The living room was the warmest part of the cabin within a few hours, but that didn't mean Hailey wanted to spend the night on the couch, so she wrapped herself in one of Jay's sweatshirts and her thickest socks and climbed beneath the quilts on the bed as she waited for her husband as he stoked the fire one last time before they went to sleep.
"I hate sleeping in socks, but I'm afraid my toes are going to freeze off if I don't," Jay mumbled as he entered the bedroom.
Hailey laughed and stuck a hand out in the still chilled air to wave him into bed. "Then don't," she said, "It's not too bad under here, and the air will surely heat up soon."
Jay stared at her for a moment before giving in and pulling his socks off. He quickly got under the quilts and pulled her close to him. Burying his face in her hair, he said, "Originally, I thought we'd be having sex every night to make up for the last couple weeks and our anniversary, but now I'm terrified to expose my skin to the air."
Hailey laughed loudly and wrapped her arms around him. "We can skip out on the sex tonight. I don't mind."
Jay hummed as he rubbed his hands over her back.
Closing her eyes, Hailey sank into him, letting him soothe away the chill from her bones. They'd spent the afternoon and evening setting up the few decorations and hanging the lights in the living room before watching old Christmas movies on the TV. They'd found a handful of DVDs in the cabinet that she was excited to work through over their time here. It was cozy in ways that Chicago never could be.
"I don't remember it being this cold when I was younger," Jay eventually whispered.
Hailey pulled back from him and set her hand on the side of his face. "Maybe you just didn't care."
Jay chuckled and nodded. "Probably. I was in elementary school when we spent Christmas here. There were more important things to worry about than the temperature."
"Like what?" Hailey asked with a smile.
"Presents, obviously," Jay said, "But also sledding and pancakes and whether or not the lake was going to be frozen enough to play hockey on it."
"Did you do that a lot?"
"Never for Christmas. We had to wait until mid-January to go out on it, but that never stopped me from wishing for it."
Hailey hummed and brushed her thumb along his cheek. "Sounds fun."
"It was," Jay breathed, "I…I loved those Christmases. My dad would usually be in a good mood once things got going."
"What's that mean?" Hailey asked softly.
Jay shrugged and rolled onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment then murmured, "I mean, I get it now, looking back, but…but it shouldn't have been so…sour to start."
Hailey trailed her fingers down his arm until they could tangle with his. "You know you can tell me," she whispered, "Things aren't a competition between us."
Jay's head rolled to the side so he could look at her, and he murmured, "I know."
It'd taken her years to get a full story out of him about his relationship with his dad. Before he passed away, she didn't know anything. Jay never told her anything about the man and would just make vague comments about needing to go to Med with him or that he'd be stopping by his old house before work to make sure things were okay. And when he'd died, she'd found out that their relationship was complicated at best and riddled with misunderstanding and missed opportunities. Jay had lashed out at her in the moment and kept his past to himself for a long time before drunkenly telling her about his father's death the following year. From there, she knew to keep the questions at a minimum unless he started the conversation. It wasn't until they were dating and he'd been reminded of his dad because of a case that he really opened up about the hardships he'd had while growing up.
"I don't want to…diminish anything you went through," he had mumbled that night in bed, "He never hit me, so I don't want you to think I'm trying to-to be all 'woe is me.'"
She'd shaken her head at that comment and pressed a gentle kiss to the side of his mouth. "And I don't want you to think you have to hide anything from me just because of my own dad. Your dad hurt you in different ways, and you're allowed to tell me about it. Please. I want to help you like you've helped me."
Because he had. Weeks before, when her dad had been in the hospital, even if they'd originally disagreed on her going to visit him, he'd still held her as she'd cried that night and made her breakfast the following morning to show that he cared. She'd known as soon as she'd lied to him that he knew the truth, but he didn't confront her about it. Instead, he'd shown her unwavering support through it all. He had deserved the same.
Just like he did right now.
"He was just always so stressed," Jay mumbled, "I get that he was hiding presents and planning a family vacation during a holiday, but he'd be so…rude. He'd snap and pick fights and it'd ruin the mood."
Hailey nodded and squeezed his hand. "That's not okay. It's not fair for a parent to take out their stress on their kids. It wasn't your fault."
Jay swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded. "I don't…" He sighed and pulled her closer to squeeze her tight. "I don't want to do that to our kids," he whispered, "I don't want holidays to be a reason for them to be stressed. Kids should get to be kids and have fun on Christmas, but what if I turn into him and take that from them?"
Hailey hummed softly and pressed her face up into his throat. "You won't," she whispered back, "You're going to be the best dad, Jay, I'm so sure of that."
A quiet noise reverberated from his chest, and Jay shifted again to slip his left hand between them. His chilled fingers snuck beneath her pajama shirt and pressed into her stomach.
He'd taken to doing so upon her return home, and every time it made her smile. Even if he couldn't hold their babies just yet, he was trying and showing her that he wanted to. Usually his touch was a lot warmer than right now, but it was just as comforting - especially as she considered he was the one who was probably receiving the comfort from the gesture.
"They're lucky babies. Their dad is a superhero, and he loves them so much. Not all kids can say that. You need to give yourself some credit."
Jay's fingers curled slightly against Hailey's stomach, and she slipped her hand through the blankets to rest over his wrist.
"Can I be brutally honest with you?"
Jay swallowed and pulled back slightly to look her in the eyes. "Yes."
Squeezing his wrist, she gently said, "When you came home back in March, I wasn't sure about us having kids. I didn't know when we'd be able to tackle all of this. I thought…" She let out a breath and fought the pain of the words she had in her gut. "I thought that maybe you'd leave us again, that you'd struggle too much with being home and think leaving was easier - kind of like that guy you worked with that had kids. I-I was terrified of that."
Pain crossed Jay's face, but he nodded. He understood. He had not been in a great place upon his return to Chicago. She'd had every right to question his ability to not just be a husband but also a father.
But that feeling went away months later when they renewed their vows. When they went to Holland and celebrated all they'd overcome, she'd realized that a family was possible with Jay. He'd grown since Bolivia, and maybe even because of it. He was not going to leave her moving forward, not when he'd found so much to live and fight for.
Even just the fact that she felt comfortable enough telling him right now that she was worried earlier in the year was a huge win. She used to be terrified of upsetting him because she knew he was still recovering, but that hadn't been fair to either of them. They needed to clear the air and keep an open communication between the two of them. It was only then that they truly moved forward from everything that had happened, and it was then that she realized how much she trusted Jay to hold her heart and keep her safe.
Just like she hoped she did for him.
"But I don't feel any of that anymore," she continued softly, "Jay, I know you're not going to go back to Bolivia or join the army again, and not just because you were discharged. I know you're not going back because I know you've found your spot in the department. You're doing amazing things here, and you know that. I haven't seen you so…so fulfilled in over a year. You lost that love for policing, and you found it again. I cannot see a world where you give that up. It's more than just the fact that you have a wife and kids to think about; it's about you feeling like you're making the right decisions in the place where you belong. You found something within yourself to keep you in Chicago, and I am so happy for you for doing that."
Jay breathed in slowly and murmured, "I really do love my job, but you know that I love you more, right?"
She laughed softly and nodded as she squeezed his wrist. "I know. I really know. And all of that is why I know you're not going anywhere. You're going to be right by my side through it all - even if I get kind of sick of you at times - and you're going to love these babies and be the best dad in the entire world."
Jay laughed with her and brushed his fingers gently against her stomach. "I want to try."
"I know," she assured, "And I'm going to try to be the best mom too. We can do this without becoming our fathers."
Jay leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead then glanced around the darkened room. Letting out a sigh, he said, "In my gut, I think I can be a good dad, but then being back here and remembering some of the more difficult parts of growing up, I get nervous."
"Oh, babe," Hailey laughed, "If you weren't nervous, I was going to be very jealous. I'm so scared of raising these kids. We just need to take turns having our freak outs."
Jay chuckled and kissed her forehead again. "Or we just let each other know when it happens. We should be nervous: bringing twins into the world is scary. We can't do this alone."
Not without each other.
Not without their family.
Not without their friends.
Not even without their pasts.
The only way to move forward and embrace their family for what it was to acknowledge it and remember that it was okay to not be okay about every single thing that happened. They could retreat and be scared of all the uncertainty that was to come, but they could also lean into their support system and overcome those fears. If they'd learned anything from Jay's time in Bolivia, it was that: their friends were incredible people who were not about to leave them high and dry. This was their chance to truly accept help from each other and everyone they knew.
Things were going to be okay, even if they were not expecting any of this to happen, because they had grown to where they needed to be to handle it all. Maybe waiting until they felt ready would have eased their nerves, but it never would have taken away their pasts and what their fathers had done to them. They were going to feel unsure no matter when she got pregnant, and now was their chance to tackle it all.
Hailey tilted her chin up to catch Jay's lips in hers and murmur, "I love you."
"I love you too," he whispered back. His fingers swirled over her stomach, sending a shiver up her spine.
With a hum, she rested her head against his chest and breathed him in. She would have loved to take her time with him tonight, but he'd been right about the nip in the air that was still stinging her nose. So instead of coaxing him out of his sweatshirt, she patted her hand over his side and began asking quiet questions about happy Christmas memories he had. If she could get him to focus on the joyful times that happened in this cabin, then maybe that'd get him to live on the positive side for the remainder of the trip. Being intimate didn't always have to include tearing at each other's clothes and digging their fingers into the other's skin - though she didn't know if she'd ever turn that down with Jay - they could connect in ways they couldn't exactly do in the hospital or even in their apartment. Some memories were meant to be shared in the place where they were made.
And Jay's memories and stories were the ones she loved the most.
As he spoke his quiet words, she let her mind drift from younger him to what it'd be like in the future if he were the one throwing snowballs at running kids or making pancakes early in the morning. It was enough to make her smile and forget the cold. The warmth of his stories sank in her heart and led her into several peaceful dreams of what was to come.
Jay strung up the Christmas lights around the living room, and Hailey set up the small tree on the coffee table that they pushed off to the side so they could see the TV. With the lights off, the cloudy weather outside sure to bring snow sooner than later, and the fire crackling in the stove, they enjoyed watching the old Christmas movies they'd found. Between watching movies, they ventured out into the cold to visit the store and get ingredients for peanut butter cookies. Hailey didn't care that they weren't traditional Christmas cookies; they were delicious paired with hot chocolate.
Cuddled beneath the blankets and quilt Jay's grandma had made years before, Hailey played with the tie of Jay's sweatpants as A Year Without a Santa Claus played on the TV. He chuckled above her and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.
"What're you doing?" he whispered.
She hummed and shrugged, stilling her hands with a smile on her face.
"This is a children's movie," Jay continued, "How is this-"
He was cut off by her neck craning up and her lips silencing his. She could feel him smirk into the kiss, but it slowly faded as his hand came up into the back of her hair and a quiet noise vibrated within his chest.
Pushing up against the couch, Hailey pressed her hand into his thigh and whispered, "How many times have you seen this movie?"
"Enough."
"That's what I thought."
Jay laughed and pulled her hips against his before trailing his lips down her jaw. "You feeling okay tonight?" he breathed against her ear, "Things aren't too stiff or sore?"
She tilted her head to the side and hummed, "I'm okay. I'm…" Sighing, she closed her eyes and mumbled something that she wasn't even quite sure of.
Jay chuckled and kissed beneath her jaw causing her to moan quietly. "Just promise to tell me if anything hurts."
"Nothing will."
Another laugh slipped from Jay's lips as he tightened his hold on her. "I love you."
But Hailey didn't bother to reply. Instead, she dragged her head back just to kiss him with all she had. He tasted like the hot chocolate they'd been drinking moments before and the cookie dough he kept sneaking behind her back. She'd tried getting him to slip some whiskey in his mug, but he didn't think drinking without her would be much fun - that didn't stop her from feeling like she'd drank it herself, though. With each pass of her lips over his and tightening of his fingers along her waist, a buzz ran through her that was stronger than any amount of whiskey she would have tasted on him. After nearly a week in the hospital and even more time alone at home, she craved her husband's touch, even if he gave it to her in ways they were both comfortable with.
The black cotton pajamas Jay had gotten her weeks before slid up her legs as she tried climbing further up him. The chill in the air kept her close beneath the blankets, the colored lights and flickering fire adding to the quiet and cozy mood in the living room. With the cloudy weather outside, she didn't want to be anywhere else.
Jay's hand snuck down her sides to tease along the edge of her shirt. He tipped his head back enough to whisper, "Your lead."
She nodded and brushed her fingers down his jaw. "I'm okay."
Jay nodded back and tugged at her shirt. What would once be a quick and rushed movement was now slow and gentle. Her side still stung and ached when she got dressed, and Jay was all too aware. She might have wanted to be independent in her recovery, but it was still a lot easier to accept his help when a quick turn or jerk of her arm would make her gasp in pain. He'd been helping her get dressed or undressed whenever she asked, and how he acted right now was no different.
As the soft material slipped over her head, she breathed out slowly and slid her fingers in his hair. "Good?" he whispered.
She nodded and kissed him. "Good," she assured against his lips.
Jay hummed, sitting up on the couch with her in his lap. She managed to get her legs around his waist and dragged her hands down his back. Her fingers gripped onto the edge of his shirt, and she pulled back enough to smirk and whisper, "You good?"
He chuckled and nodded. "I get what you're doing, and all I'm-"
"I know," she gently interrupted. She pecked his lips then said, "I'm just trying to lighten the mood. I appreciate it, really. Thank you for being careful. Maybe I should have done this a bit more when we first started having sex again after Bolivia."
"Hey, it's a little different now, and I get it," Jay said. He brushed his fingers through her hair and smiled. "I don't regret anything we did at that new beginning. We took our time, and that's exactly what we'll do now. We have this entire cabin to ourselves."
Hailey laughed softly and looked around at the cozy room before zeroing in on the wood stove. "Well, we do, but it's also a lot colder out there than it is in here. I'm kind of good with staying here for the time being."
"Good," Jay said softly. He kissed her again while tracing his fingers slowly down her spine. They wrapped around her waist so that his thumb sat right below the fresh scar on her skin, the stitches having been taken out just a few days before.
She couldn't help but pull back from him to rest her forehead against his cheek and look down amongst the blankets at his hand. He was careful not to touch the healing wound as he stroked his thumb back and forth. Swallowing a lump in her throat, she breathed in shakily and let her eyes flicker across his chest. His own gunshot wound was still barely visible beneath the scars from his burns and the shrapnel from the car explosion, but it was there. It hadn't gone away, and now she had one to match for the next four, five, six years.
She'd known it was there - she wasn't stupid - but watching Jay so carefully touch her just around it made it so obvious on her skin. She'd been shot, and she was never going to be able to forget it.
One day, her kids were sure to ask her about it - they'd probably ask them both about the scars that littered their skin - and she was going to have to figure out how to best approach the question. A man had shot her like it was nothing. Another had shot at their father as he worked to solve the crime that led to their grandfather's death. There were horrible people out in the world, but they were going to have to look at their children and convince them to go out in the world and live their lives as fearlessly as they could. It almost seemed impossible to do.
"You're thinking," Jay murmured against her ear. He kissed her temple when she let out a weak laugh. "I'm guessing you're not debating the best way to get me out of these pants without losing all the blankets."
Hailey tore her eyes from his hand near her scar and looked up at him. "No, but that's probably a better way to spend my time right now. Definitely less stressful than what I was thinking about."
"Want to share?" Jay asked.
Hailey bit her lip and set her hand on his chest. "No, sorry, I don't want to ruin the mood."
"Hailey," Jay laughed, "Baby, no." Shaking his head, he again rubbed his thumb along her side then pressed his other into her back. "We have all the time in the world right now, you don't have to worry about ruining anything."
She sighed and nodded. Rubbing her own thumb over the scar on his chest she'd memorized years before, she quietly admitted, "Was just thinking about how we're not…we're not as perfect as we once were and how the kids are probably going to ask. I don't want to scare them."
Jay raised an eyebrow as he studied her then shook his head and pushed at all the blankets. "Come here."
"Jay!" Hailey couldn't help but laugh as the air hit her bare skin, causing goosebumps to cover every inch of her chest.
"Come on," Jay said, nudging her off of him. He stood up and put a hand out. "Trust me."
With her life.
She let out a breath and grabbed his hand while standing up. Together, they walked into the bedroom and over to the vanity in front of the bed. The bright red of the fresh skin around her scar stood out beneath the overhead light. She pursed her lips and set her hand next to it.
Jay stood behind her and seemed to take a breath to settle whatever nerves he had himself before pushing against the gray sweatpants he was wearing, taking his briefs with them and kicking them off toward the wall. He leaned down to pull at his socks and tossed them toward his pile of clothes.
Hailey's eyes widened, and she asked, "What're you doing?"
But he remained quiet while putting his hands on her hips. Meeting her eyes in the mirror, he raised an eyebrow and hooked his thumbs in her pants. When she nodded, he pulled all her clothes down and guided her feet out of them, quickly pulling at her own purple, fuzzy socks.
There they stood, completely bare, in front of the mirror, staring at themselves and all the scars that littered their bodies.
"It's kind of a lot," she whispered.
"It just looks like that because it's fresh," Jay said softly. He stepped to her side then pointed at a scar she knew lived on his throat, but that she couldn't quite see this far from the mirror. "I've had this since I was sixteen; it's practically invisible by now." Lifting his leg to point at his right knee, he said, "And this weird looking one here, I got it when I was five. Did you even know I had that?"
Hailey laughed slightly and said, "I get that, but…Jay, that's kind of the point: our scars will eventually fade, but not soon enough."
Jay tilted his head to the side then shook it slightly. "But that doesn't make us scary or bad people. It's life." He sighed and turned to his side so that the burn scars along his hip were centered in the mirror. "I hate these," he said quietly, running his fingers over them, "They hurt so damn bad when they were fresh and healing. They're still pink and won't ever get perfectly smooth, but it's a part of who I am now. I can't…I can't focus on them. There are way more important things to worry about in life than what my skin looks like."
"But what are you doing to tell the kids?" Hailey countered. She reached over to lightly touch the scars then dragged her hand up the rest of them to the left side of his chest. "We're going to be in bathing suits around them, and maybe they'll see us change at some point. I don't want us to hide from them and keep secrets, but I also don't want them to be terrified of the world."
"'Then we teach them the reality of it all," Jay said gently, "Hailey, we were both shot because of our job. When they're out in the world living their lives, that's not a guarantee that a bullet will hit them."
Hailey winced and warningly said, "Jay."
"Sorry," he said, "But it's the truth. My side is all messed up because I was hit by a bomb. My car exploded while I was driving in it because someone wanted me to die. We've seen some pretty messed up stuff in Chicago, but nothing like that, and usually just to people who have gotten tangled up in some pretty bad stuff. I'm planning on teaching our kids right from wrong and trying to show them how to safely live their lives. I will do everything I can to show them that, yes, the world is scary sometimes, but it's a lot scarier when you're doing things against the law or keeping hundreds of secrets that are sure to catch up with you than if you're just doing your best. Our kids are going to hear some scary stuff from us by the time they're eighteen and going out on their own, but I really do believe that we're going to set them up to make the right choices to avoid all of that."
He let out a breath and moved behind her to hold her waist and make her face the mirror. "Maybe we have scary scars that aren't going to heal by the time our kids are old enough to understand them, but I don't think they'll notice them right away. They're going to notice all the pieces of you that love them for who they are - it's what I notice when I look at you."
Hailey smiled slightly and leaned her head back against his shoulder. "What do you notice?" she asked softly.
Jay kissed the side of her head then trailed his hands down her sides. "I notice your smile and your eyes first, every single day," he began softly, "Your smile literally makes my life better, and your eyes are the most beautiful color I've ever seen."
She blushed and tried turning into his chest to hide her embarrassment, but he held her firm in front of him to keep her in view of the mirror.
"Maybe it's weird, and I promise it's not a sex thing or whatever-"
Hailey burst into laughter and said, "Oh my god."
Chuckling, Jay continued to say, "But your hands! Your hands are something to love because they helped fix me. Without you helping me get dressed or making me food or-or helping me in the shower or making me food, I never would have gotten better."
"You're doing the exact same thing for me," Hailey pointed out.
Jay hummed. "I know, but…just give it to me."
She smiled and nodded, encouraging him to keep going because she could tell by the glint in his eyes and the smirk on his face that he had much more to say.
"And here," he continued, placing his hands on her stomach, "Keeping our babies safe." He kissed her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her. Resting his head next to hers, he whispered, "I love your legs too, not just because they're hot as hell, but because they brought us together."
Hailey laughed again. "Okay, come on."
"It's true!" he argued through his own laughter, "Running has done you wonders."
She jokingly smacked his side and straightened up. "You are something else."
He laughed and pulled her backwards until they both fell onto the bed. She giggled and rolled onto him. Putting her hands on his chest, she sat up and said, "Thank you."
He smiled up at her and nodded. "Any time."
Taking a breath, she let out a soft laugh and brushed her hand against his jaw. Their skin wasn't perfect. They had scars because horrible things had happened to them. But it was what made them who they were. Some day, their kids would surely ask questions about what had happened to them, but, like Jay was saying, they could teach them about how they'd grown from those things and how their kids could avoid any of those awful things from happening.
Together, they could stand in front of them and tell the story of how they came to be, but for right now, she had something very present that she needed to accomplish.
Even when the cabin completely warmed up, Hailey thought the coziest place to spend time with Jay was in the living room. The lights twinkled and the TV played old movies that screamed nostalgia. Sometimes, the wood stove did burn a little too hot, but that just gave them an excuse to teasingly pull each other's clothes off.
In the back of Hailey's mind, she was still bothered by the thought of the bullet hole in her side. Every time she glanced at it in the mirror, she winced at the idea of her kids someday asking her about it, but then Jay would come up behind her and pepper kisses down her throat, and she'd forget about it. His hands would trail along her sides and ghost along the skin once covered in gauze, and suddenly the butterflies in her stomach turned into the calmest, happiest feeling she could imagine. He showed her that what she believed to be an ugly part of her body was actually something worth loving. His kisses were gentle and his touches were calming. If he could accept her body without worrying about how they were going to explain it to their kids - especially when he had his own scars to think about - then maybe she could too. They were a team, after all.
On Christmas morning, Hailey woke before Jay and decided she was going to get breakfast ready instead of sticking around in bed waiting for him to wake up. It wasn't too early, so it was light enough outside that she could see a few snowflakes starting to float down to the ground through the window. They brought a smile to her face as she heated up the water and turned the oven on.
One year from today, she was surely going to be woken up much earlier by the sounds of babies crying for their own breakfast. She'd comfort the twins and then introduce them to their first Christmas. Maybe she and Jay would bring Santa into the picture or maybe they'd wait a few more years until the twins would actually understand. Either way, she knew they'd make sure that gifts were waiting under the tree for them all. She and Jay could enjoy their hot chocolate in the living room as the twins ignored the toys they received and just played with the ribbons.
She was going to have to practice wrapping gifts if that was the case.
Shaking the thought from her head, she dumped a little hot chocolate mix into each of the mugs on the counter before peeling open the can of cinnamon rolls. She banged them on the counter to pop the container and couldn't help but jump at the loud sound it made.
"Shoot," she whispered, hurrying out of the kitchen to see if Jay was coming out of the bedroom.
If she was going to keep making breakfast in the morning, she was going to have to practice being quieter.
When she didn't see him emerge, she returned to the kitchen to pop the cinnamon rolls in the oven before putting some bacon and sausage on the stove. As she cut up the fruit they'd bought at the store, she couldn't even remember what she'd had for breakfast the Christmas before. Jay's absence still stung rather bad, and she'd just gotten over him not being there on their first anniversary. Having some sort of grand meal on the holiday was not the first thing on her mind when she woke up.
Just as she decided she had to have had a bowl of cereal, warm hands snaked around her waist and a smell that was distinctly Jay overpowered the smell of the bacon.
"Good morning," he murmured in her ear, "Merry Christmas."
She'd jumped at the feeling of his hands on her, but quickly smiled and leaned back against him. "Merry Christmas," she repeated.
Jay was quiet for a moment, and she had a feeling he was still trying to wake up as she finished cutting the strawberries and tossed them all into a colander. "I can help," he said quietly without letting go of her waist.
"I've got it," she hummed, "I wasn't sure if you wanted eggs, but I've got those cinnamon rolls in the oven and then bacon and sausage going too."
"All smells delicious," Jay replied. He reached around her to grab an apple slice and placed it in his mouth. Kissing the top of her head, he said, "You made coffee too?"
She nodded and pointed to their mugs. "I added a little hot chocolate mix - mine has a bit more than yours; it's the red mug - I hope you don't mind."
"Never."
Smiling, she stepped around him to rinse off the strawberries and blueberries that she'd already dumped into the colander. Jay poured the coffee next to her and took a sip before setting the mug down and returning to her side.
"Yes?" she laughed, turning off the faucet.
He kissed her cheek and whispered, "Why weren't you in bed when I woke up?"
She gestured toward the kitchen and said, "I thought I'd get breakfast going for us."
"Yeah, but I could have helped," Jay countered. He nudged her side until she'd turned enough to face him. Through his veiled argument, she could see a smirk playing at his lips that she couldn't avoid any longer, so she pushed up on her tiptoes to kiss him quickly.
"I'm sorry I left you all alone," she gently teased.
He chuckled and hugged her tightly. "It's okay; I'm just worried that you couldn't sleep or got sick again."
"No, no, I'm okay," she assured. She stepped out of his hold then brushed her hand over his cheek. "It really was just to get breakfast ready. I figured that's gonna be something we do now, going forward, right? Christmas is going to be about more than just the two of us: there's going to be breakfast to make and presents to wrap and even cookies to eat."
"Cookies?" Jay repeated with a laugh, "What-"
"Jay, Santa will be visiting our house," Hailey interrupted, "Our kids are getting all the good stuff we can give them." She breathed in shakily then said, "They're getting everything I couldn't if that's the last thing I do. Happy memories. So, yeah, we're going to wrap pretty gifts and eat all the cookies they set out and make reindeer food and-and let them believe in Santa as long as they can."
Jay's face fell, and he brushed his hand over her hair to hold the back of her neck. He made sure she was looking in his eyes before nodding. "They'll get it all," he said softly, "I promise you."
She nodded back and stepped into his chest to hug him tightly.
Her parents loved her when she was younger, but it came in spurts and was more obvious when she was little. Those Christmases were much happier and filled with magic than they were as she aged. She'd known Jay for about a year and a half when she first broached the subject with him. He'd known that her father was abusive and that her relationship with her mother was strained, but he didn't know everything - all the little ins and outs that really formed who she was.
They were getting a whiskey after work in the middle of December when a group of men each dressed as Santa wandered into the bar. They were rowdy, which led the two of them to leaving before even ordering a second glass. It was then in the cold of the night that Hailey admitted to finding out Santa wasn't real at six years old.
"Six?" Jay had asked incredulously, "Hailey, that's…that's like first grade, right?"
She'd nodded at that and kicked at the ground as they wandered the street. "Theo was only five. They just…they just kind of forgot or didn't care, I don't know. There were still gifts, but nothing said From, Santa and the cookies were still intact when we got to the kitchen table. I can still hear my mom whisper yelling at my dad for not doing his job and him replying that Nik was eleven and that was way too old to still be playing that game. I might have been six, but I wasn't stupid."
"Wow," Jay had whispered, "That…I'm sorry."
She'd shrugged and glanced up at him staring at her as he walked. She had tried putting on a smile as she said, "My uncle tried making it up to us by saying Santa must have been super full by the time he got to our house, but we knew." With a sigh, she'd turned back to the street and said quietly, "If I have a family some day, I don't want that to ever happen. I'll always make sure to eat the cookies."
Jay hadn't replied, and she was grateful for it. He could have taken that comment anywhere: how she hadn't mentioned who would eat the cookies with her, how she had an uncle that also seemed to disagree with her dad, or even how she said if she were to have a family. He always knew what she needed most, and, in this case, it was silent support as they rounded the block to sober up and he'd brushed his hand just barely over the back of her winter coat.
From then on, he knew that she had complicated feelings surrounding her family and growing up. It was more than just abuse, but little moments throughout her childhood that shaped her to be the person she was - for better or for worse.
"Our kids are going to have happy Christmases," Jay whispered, "We might have rough memories toward the holiday, but that's just going to mean that we're going to work twice as hard to fix it for them."
She nodded and stepped back from him to wipe her eyes. "Sorry, I…sorry."
"Don't be," Jay said. He rubbed his thumb beneath her eye then nodded to the coffee mugs. "How about you take those and set up in the living room while I put together a plate of food for us?"
Hailey smiled slightly and nodded. She poured just a small amount of coffee in her mug, enough for the taste, then brought both cups into the living room. The night before, they'd set out their few gifts for each other near the small tree on the table, and she couldn't help but smile at them. It wasn't that she loved receiving presents, but she loved the idea of actually celebrating Christmas. This year was already so much better than the last, and she wasn't even afraid to think of how great it was going to get in the future.
"Cinnamon rolls are hot," Jay announced as he entered the room, "May have burned my finger trying to get them out of the pan."
Hailey whipped around to look at him just as he set the plate on one of the side tables. "Are you okay? Should we call Will?"
"No," Jay chuckled. He showed her a red spot on his finger and said, "I'll be fine. We'll call him later. He deserves a quiet Christmas morning with Natalie and Owen."
Hailey nodded slowly as she grabbed his hand and looked over the small mark. It certainly wasn't going to leave a scar like the other burns Jay had received, but she still didn't like the thought of him getting another one.
"I'm okay," he said softly, "Promise." Dropping a kiss to her head, he nodded over at the presents and asked, "Want to open any of those to get your mind off of it?"
Her lips tipped up, and she glanced up with a sigh. "Fine. But you really need to be careful. I can't have you losing a finger."
Jay laughed and slipped his hand in hers to tug her over to the couch near the tree and presents. "I'll be careful, I swear. I won't even get a paper cut as we open these."
Hailey's smile widened as she made herself comfortable on the cushions. Pulling a blanket over herself, she said, "You go first."
"No, no, ladies first," Jay said, grabbing one of the boxes he'd brought and setting it on her lap.
She shook her head, but still unwrapped the first gift he'd gotten her: a large black water bottle. With a laugh, she pointed out a present for him to grab, and couldn't stop the smile from nearly breaking her face in half as he also opened a black water bottle - though his had a screw top whereas hers had a straw.
All of their gifts weren't exactly the same like that one, but they both spent the morning laughing at the similarity of their minds. Jay had gotten Hailey a pair of sneakers she'd been staring at for weeks on her laptop, and she bought him a proper pair of golf shoes that he'd been talking about for over a month. Hailey now had two new outfits that she could wear while running - "Or on safe walks," Jay had clarified to her with a pointed look at her stomach - and he had received pajama pants that "aren't going to rip if you bend over" to replace the ones she swore he'd had since he was in high school. There were vinyls and sweatshirts, a jewelry dish and a bottle of cologne, word search and coloring books alike, an iPad and a digital camera.
It was the camera that Hailey paused at. She stared at the box in disbelief upon opening it. She had a camera years ago, but after she'd gotten her first iPhone, she stopped using it and never looked back. There didn't seem to be a need for it, but there had to have been a reason Jay had gotten it for her - she'd gotten him the iPad as a way for him to prepare for work on top of all the other things she thought he could do with it.
"What do you think?" Jay asked quietly, "It's pretty small, so it should be easy to take places."
Hailey glanced up at him and smiled slightly. "So's my phone," she began, "I…this is really cool, but-"
Jay held up a finger then reached over to one of the last presents in the pile. "I know you have your phone, but this is part of a thing - a way to be intentional about stuff."
Hailey raised an eyebrow, then set the camera to the side. She slipped the wrapping paper off the gift and instantly understood what Jay was giving her.
"We never get pictures off our phones printed," he explained, "But I figured we'd probably want to get more with the babies."
"And we can put them here," Hailey said softly as her finger lightly ran over the leather photo album in her lap.
Jay nodded. "Obviously we'll still take pictures on our phones, but the camera's supposed to be a little nicer, and maybe it'll mean a bit more too. If you really don't want it, we can return it."
Hailey looked up and shook her head. "No, I love it. You're right, it's like an investment."
A smile spread across Jay's face. "I think it'll be fun."
"Definitely," Hailey assured. She put the photo album to the side and got off the couch to grab her final present for Jay.
"I could have gotten that," he said.
She turned to him and smiled slightly. "Maybe I was the one who wanted to hand it to you." Handing him the gift, she murmured, "Merry Christmas, Daddy."
Jay's eyes widened, and he tore the paper from the gift. He lifted the lid from the box before laughing softly at what was inside: two onesies, a pregnancy test, and their last ultrasound picture in a frame. The first onesie said "Coming Soon!" whereas the other said "Me too!" She'd included a small handwritten card where she wrote "Double feature coming July 2024. We love you!"
"I didn't really get to do a thing to tell you I was pregnant," Hailey softly explained, "So, surprise! We're having twins."
Jay laughed harder and set the box aside to pull Hailey into his lap. He kissed her then whispered, "No freaking way."
She laughed with him and nodded. "Two! We're having two babies."
Chuckling, Jay shook his head and said, "I can't believe it. Thank you."
Hailey brushed her hand over his hair and said, "Thank you."
Jay hummed and kissed her cheek before saying, "Don't thank me yet. I have one more."
"One more present or one more baby?" she teased softly.
"Present," Jay laughed, "No more babies for the coming future, promise."
Hailey slipped off his lap with a laugh and watched him grab the final present.
As he handed it to her, he explained, "It's homemade, but I did my best. I saw the stuff at the store the other day and grabbed it while you were in the bathroom."
Hailey raised an eyebrow, but said nothing while unwrapping the box. When she slipped the lid off, she was first met with Jay's old stocking that his grandma had made him. Immediately, tears came to her eyes as she anticipated what she was going to find beneath it. Lifting it up, she realized she was right and couldn't hide the tears any longer: there was first a matching stocking that he'd written Hailey on, and the other two had Baby A and Baby B written on them in the same green puffy paint. Inside hers was a handful of small chocolate bars while the two for the babies were filled with tiny socks and envelopes.
"My grandma always gave the adults snacks in their stockings," Jay explained softly, "Nothing crazy, just chocolate and nuts. And then our stockings had socks and hats and gloves in them on top of money. She gave us gift cards when we were older, but I remember these weird pieces of paper too that she said were really important. I didn't realize what they were until I was older and my dad handed me a stack of bonds that she'd gotten us over the years."
Hailey looked up with wide eyes before opening the first envelope. Instead of bonds, though, she found the slips for two different savings accounts in hers and Jay's names.
"My dad didn't love the idea of me going into the army or being a cop, and I know yours felt the same way, but I have a feeling we're going to be different," he said, "I want our kids to know that they can do anything they want and that we'll support them. I mean, okay, fine, maybe I don't love the idea of them being cops or soldiers, but I'm not going to be like our parents and stop them completely. So this is a start for their college fund or whatever they decide to get into."
She looked up at him as tears fell down her cheeks and said, "We're really doing this, huh? We're going to be better parents than what we had?"
Jay smiled and nodded. "I hope so."
Hailey set the slips of paper and the stockings down and reached over to hug him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered, "I'm so glad you're here and doing this with me."
He held her tightly and kissed the side of her head. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."
Hailey settled within his arms, not even trying to hide her tears anymore. While this trip was supposed to be about celebrating the holiday and relaxing after some of the most stress they'd experienced in months, it turned out to be a lot more about establishing what kind of parents they were going to be. And as she sniffled and stared out at the snow falling outside, Hailey knew that was exactly what they needed after getting the biggest surprise of their lives.
A/N: Merry Christmas! :) I'm gonna try my best to keep updating once a week on Mondays for these last few chapters, but we might be off by a few days. If you follow me on Twitter (onecpd14), that's where I'll be posting updates regarding posting. You're all the best and I really do appreciate you sticking around with me. Here's to the last few chapters!