Mario Mario was hard at work, unclogging his toilet after a particularly bad batch of spaghetti.
"For fuck's sake, Luigi, how much do you shit?!" Mario yelled, shit splattering his face and the wall behind him.
"If it wasn't for your cooking, this never would have happened!" his brother yelled back, currently splattering the other toilet with puke.
"Son of a bitch," Mario muttered, smoking a cigar because he's Mario and he's cool as fuck. He had enough shit on his hands (literally) with relationship problems bullshit without having to worry about Luigi's prolapsed asshole.
"Did that girl get back to you yet?" Luigi inquired, stomping down the creaky steps. "That, uh…Pauline chick?"
"Shut the fuck up, Luigi, I don't have time for your shit right now," Mario responded, wiping crap off the floor and his perfectly groomed mustache.
"You sure about that?" Luigi joked, a roll of paper towels smacking the door as he slammed it.
"Help! Please!" a high-pitched voice cried from outside. Luigi opened the door to find a phallic mushroom creature…Todd, was it? running around flailing his arms madly.
"...Can I help you?" Luigi inquired.
"THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN CAPTURED! THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN CAPTURED!" the mushroom yelled, running in circles like an autistic dog.
"We have a princess?" Luigi said. "Whatever, I don't have time for this. Good luck with that," he said, about to close the door.
"WAIT!" the mushroom cried, suddenly teleporting into the doorway. "If you help us, you shall be rewarded handsomely!"
"Rewarded, eh?" Luigi pondered, rubbing his not-quite-as-perfectly-groomed 'stache. "Is she hot?"
"Hot as shit!" the mushroom said, pushing a picture into Luigi's hands. "That evil turtle king Bowser captured her and took her back to his castle to do unspeakable things to her!"
"I'll be damned if I let a turtle beast take a slice of such perfect cake!" Luigi said, dramatically taking a stance. "Thank you, kind sir! I'll see what I can do." He slammed the door in the mushroom's face.
"Wait!" the mushroom said. "I didn't even tell you where she is!"
"Mario! Mario! Come quick!" Luigi cried, shoving open the bathroom door.
"Fuck off, Luigi, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?" Mario said, quickly snapping up his overalls.
"Forget all that, Mario, look!" Luigi said, shoving the picture into Mario's hands.
"Holy shit!" Mario exclaimed. "Who's this fine peach, bro? I know she ain't your girlfriend," he jabbed Luigi in the ribs with his elbow.
"She got captured by some turtle king or something," Luigi replied. "She's ours for the keeping if we save her!"
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Mario jumped up, leaving the shitty toilet behind and dragging Luigi out the door.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" the mushroom yelled, but they were already out of sight. "Ah, fuck it, ima go see if the boys are up for a drink. I'm too old for this shit," he said, wandering away morosely while the brothers ran in a meth-induced frenzy, blissfully unaware of the sheer, unadulterated hell they were about to endure.