Mario and Luigi jumped out of a pipe, shaking the water off themselves.
"Never happened?" Mario asked.
"Never happened," Luigi replied.
After more endeavors with suicidal turtles and naturally growing hallucinogens, the brothers found themselves in front of a castle.
"Who the fuck built a castle right here?" Mario asked.
"Was that a rhetorical question, or…"
"Doesn't matter. Our reward must be inside."
"We really don't know shit about our own home, huh?" Luigi asked.
"Our teachers were diaper-wearing mushrooms with chodes for heads," Mario replied.
"Good point."
They entered the castle. "Jesus fuck!"
"Luigi, what are you bitching ab-Jesus fuck!"
Facing them were massive pools of lava and literal bars of fire that rotated faster than either of the two could think. "What the hell happens now?"
"Now, we fuck shit up," Mario said, adjusting his hat to appear manlier.
"I told you to stop watching those fucking movies!" Luigi yelled after him as he tried to jump over the lava.
The plumber barely caught the ledge and heaved himself over. "Your turn, bro!"
"Are you stupid?! I'm not jumping that shit!" Luigi shouted.
"Why? Maybe 'cause you're a...pussy?" Mario asked.
"Shut up," Luigi groaned.
"Pussy, pussy, pussy! Pussy, pussy, pussy!"
"Fine, I'll jump the damn thing. Fuck," Luigi readied himself, then darted forward and made a flying leap over the pit. "How's that, fat boy?"
Mario was already on the move, jumping over lava pits containing jumping lava bubbles that he barely avoided. "Dammit!"
Eventually, the brothers stumbled upon a room with three vertically stacked hallways that neither of them could see through. Mario vowed to sue the architect who decided this was a good idea.
"I'll take the top one."
"I'll take the bottom one."
"Wait, now I want the bottom one."
"Oh, because I called it you call it now?"
"No, the princess is probably in there."
"Then why the fuck did you want the top one?!"
"I thought you'd take the top one."
"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
Luigi darted through the hallway with Mario in tow and exited the shadowy tunnel to find an eight-foot dragon with a turtle shell and a sickening grimace.
"That our guy?" Luigi murmured.
"Hope so," Mario replied. "Wouldn't want to see who comes after him."
The brothers readied their battle stances, Mario putting up his fists and Luigi balancing on one leg like the Chinese guy from The Karate Kid. The beast growled and slashed in their general direction.
A fireball shot out of his mouth, directly at Mario's head.
"What the fuck?!" Luigi yelled, shoving Mario out of the way and taking a dive.
"On your feet, shrimp-dick! We're in it for the cooch!" Mario dodged and weaved like a retarded ballerina, barely avoiding the beast's shots.
Luigi grabbed his hat off the ground and followed suit. The beast seemed hesitant to use any kind of physical attack, which telegraphed his moves and made him easy to avoid.
After some minutes, Mario got behind the beast and stepped off the bridge they were standing on, finding an ax poised to chop the whole thing down.
"Luigi! Get over here, I found a way to beat him!"
"Why don't you shout so the world can hear you, you moron?!" Luigi yelled back. The beast glanced back at Mario and started taking slow, rumbling footsteps in his direction.
"Cut it now!"
"But Lui-"
"I said now!"
Mario swung the ax and leveled the bridge in one go. Luigi started sprinting towards him in desperation, hoping to make it before the whole thing collapsed.
"Jump, bro! Jump!" Mario shouted as the dragon plummeted into the abyss. Luigi took a flying leap towards the ledge and fell just short…only for Mario to grab him and heave him up to safety. Unbeknownst to the brothers, the demon transformed into a brown mushroom being seconds before falling to his doom.
Both brothers laid on the ground, panting for air. "That was way too close," Luigi gasped, putting his hand on his head.
"C'mon, Weeg," Mario said, pulling him to his feet. "We gotta collect our reward."
Side-by-side, Mario and Luigi hopped down into an empty room with a human-sized treasure chest in the middle. It was unlocked, and the duo grabbed it and pulled it open to find…
"Todd?!" Luigi shouted.
"What are you doing here? Where the fuck is the princess?!" Mario yelled.
"Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"
As we leave our heroes to their journey, a tale as old as time, we must take a moment to remember the experiences we had along the way. The places we saw. The people we met. It's almost enough to bring a tear to an old man's ey-
"GIVE US BACK OUR PRINCESS, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"
Well, maybe not quite.
Next time on Stupid Mario Bros!