She wasn't sure how long she had been kneeling on the patch of grass, his lifeless body limp in her embrace. Her tears had long since dried, yet her grasp on his body had tightened as if Chakotay would only truly be gone when she literally let him go.

"Kathryn?"

The voice, that voice! His voice? Kathryn jumped up as fear, excitement, disbelief and joy whirled inside her. It was too late when she remembered, too late when she finally looked down. A gray and black mist was rising at her feet obscuring the grass and where she had left him. It started to creep up on her from everywhere. Her heart and her head were pounding in unison, both very much in pain. She gasped as the first tendrils of wet and sticky blackness reached her. Even all alone she still feared death. She wanted to fight again as she had fought before, but she fell, fell into total darkness.

"Kathryn!"

She sat up with a gasp, only just realizing that she was in her bedroom before the world tilted on its axis, taking her stomach along with it. Managing to lean to her side just in time, she was somewhat grateful that nothing came up but some bile, having had the dubious pleasure already once that day. Nevertheless, it burned her throat and left an unpleasant bitter taste in her mouth. Kathryn grimaced, keeping her eyes closed while she willed her quarters to stop spinning around her.

"Kathryn, are you with me?" A hand touched her shoulder.

"Yes", she croaked and rolled onto her back.

"Good! I'll be right back." Just a moment later, somebody was oh so gently wiping her face with a warm washcloth. It was nice and soothing even over her pounding headache. She squinted through her eyes and found that her dizziness had receded somewhat. Finally being able to focus on the person sitting next to her she was relieved to see Chakotay's dear face in front of her.

"You are here!", she breathed and raised her hand as if to caress his face only to let it fall back when her door chimed at the same time.

"That will be the Doctor", Chakotay said. His voice was even, yet his eyes were unsure as if asking for forgiveness. Kathryn found his hand with her own and squeezed lightly. There was nothing to forgive.

While Chakotay let the Doctor in, Kathryn struggled to sit up, which her head clearly didn't appreciate. Fighting to stay conscious despite the throbbing pain behind her eyes and her increased light-headedness, she closed her eyes and rested her forehead in her palms.

"Good evening, Captain", greeted the EMH. Kathryn only hummed noncommittally and concentrated on her breathing. The edge of her mattress dipped and she realized that her first officer had sat down next to her.

"Hey", he whispered and put a warm comforting hand on her back in silent support. He was here, so reassuringly alive! If not for the Doctor's presence and her traitorous body daring her to move, she might have turned around to sob into his shoulder.

"Captain, may I scan you?"

Kathryn opened her eyes to find her CMO in her line of sight still waiting near the door to her bedroom with his hands raised showing her the medical tricorder with open palms. While she recognized the Doctor's effort, his new approach to a customized bedside manner was unnerving. He treated her like a wounded animal that would either bolt or decompile his program. Although not entirely far-fetched, having to deal with his usual egotistical manner would have provided her with much needed normalcy. Nevertheless, she consented to his request.

In a way of trying to ignore the Doctor's "hmm's", the incessant beeping of the tricorder and the growing threat gradually tightening her stomach, she went over her mental to-do list for the next day.

"Captain, I am so sorry…"

The Doctor's remorseful voice startled her and sent her body into red alert. Whatever else he said was drowned out by the blood rushing in her ears. Every muscle in her body was taut ready for action, her heart galloping in her chest, yet she knew she couldn't flee this time. The dizziness effectively prevented that. Her breathing became erratic.

"...and then B'Elanna raised her Bat'leth. You should have seen it. This small half Klingon against that gigantic hairy monster. It was at least 5 meters high!", Chakotay's warm timbre reached her from seemingly far away. Kathryn blinked. His proximity, his voice, his thumb rubbing her back slowly provided her with an anchor grounding her through her panic, at least until she felt the sting of the hypospray at the side of her neck. No! She didn't want to go down without a struggle. But she knew it was futile so she resigned herself to the inevitable. As she relaxed into her fate she started to feel strangely calm. Her heart was still pounding, yet her head started to clear. Contrary to her other experiences this was a rather nice way to go. At the very least she would get to say goodbye this time.

"Chakotay", Kathryn whispered, "Chakotay, I…" She faltered. What did she want to say? That she trusted him to get their crew home? Or more private deathbed confessions? Would that be fair to him? A tear trailed down her cheek. His hand reached up to tenderly brush the tear away. She leaned into his touch knowing very well that she shouldn't. But she allowed herself a little indulgence on the brink of death.

"It's alright. It will be over soon." Even though his voice was soothing, the words broke her heart. Chakotay knew what was happening, he wasn't going to rescue her. This knowledge allowed for a second tear, though she still didn't pull away from his caressing hand. It really didn't matter anymore.

Another hypospray released its content into her bloodstream. The seconds ticked by. She blinked once, twice. Her headache was gone and she felt much more like her normal self. Her mortification, on the other hand, knew no bounds. If another possible death were for her to die of embarrassment, this would have been the time. She waited for the floor to open up and swallow her. But then she would most likely just land on some unsuspecting crewman on deck four. Straightening up she warily scrubbed her face with her hand.

"How do you feel, Captain?", asked the Doctor amiably.

"B…better", Kathryn cringed at how insecure she sounded. Taking a deep breath she cleared her throat. She owed both her trusted officers an apology. It appalled her that she had accused them both of…mutiny? The Doctor was programmed to never harm. And Chakotay? After all she had seen and heard (and felt and simply knew!) he would rather die himself than ever knowingly harm her. She trusted him, actually both of them, with her life. Damn that alien to plant the seed of doubt!

"Thank you, Doctor!" She tried to infuse as much sincerity and warmth into her voice as she could muster.

"All in a day's work", the Doctor assured her, though he looked uncharacteristically troubled. "I just don't understand how such an oversight could occur. I need to ask Lieutenant Torres to run a diagnostic. I should have realized that you might have hurt yourself when you fell off the biobed. To suffer two concussions on one day, as slight as they were, is cause for concern. I would prefer to have you in sickbay for the remainder of the night." Kathryn tensed involuntarily. "But that would be counterproductive to your recuperation right now. If you would be willing to wear a cortical monitor…" She really was not.

"Doctor, I am fine now, really", she insisted, "All I need is a good night's sleep." She had no intention to sleep anytime soon, though she wouldn't tell him that. "I promise I will contact you as soon as I feel anything remotely off."

The Doctor eyed her critically.

"Where I don't question your good intentions, Captain, I don't trust you to make true on that even under normal circumstances." That earned him her patented glare. "And you shouldn't be on your own tonight."

"I can stay with her", Chakotay interjected.

"No!", she replied rather forcefully and winced. Continuing more softly, "no, Commander, you need to sleep as well. I am fine. Truly." And she would be. All she needed was a cup of good coffee (or two) and a few reports and she would make it through the night. There should be a good pile of reports with her name on them after she had been lazing around half of the day.

"Doctor, there is something else, if you would…" She swallowed. She really didn't want to continue, but she needed to for her own peace of mind.

"Of course, Captain. Anything."

"Can you scan me for that alien that had invaded my mind?"

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. "Have you reason to believe that he has come back?"

"Probably just a nightmare, though I'd rather be on the safe side."

"I understand. The instruments in sickbay are more precise, of course, but the tricorder should be sufficient." The Doctor adjusted the settings of the medical tricorder and started scanning her thoroughly. Unconsciously, she started to wring her hands, which only stilled when Chakotay's hand settled on them giving them a reassuring squeeze. In response she flashed him a small grateful smile yet avoided his eyes so she wouldn't see her fear reflected in his own.

"Captain, as far as I can tell that alien hasn't been anywhere near you in the last 48 hours. Will that be enough of an assurance?", the Doctor asked kindly.

"It is. Thank you, Doctor", Kathryn responded with heartfelt gratitude.

"You are welcome! But, Captain, you will take tomorrow off to rest," he stated leaving no room for arguments. Opening her mouth to protest she quickly closed it again, realizing that actually acquiescing would get the EMH out of her hair much faster. She could still work on those reports from her quarters. So instead she nodded meekly, which resulted in a suspicious look from her CMO. "Good night, Captain, Commander. Get some rest, both of you. And call me if you are experiencing any symptoms. Oh and Commander, the next time you visit sickbay I'll need to hear the rest of that story." And then he - finally - left.

Silence settled around the command team. Kathryn swallowed. "I need to apologize, Chakotay, for waking you and keeping you awake and…and everything."

Chakotay scooted around to catch and hold her gaze. "You didn't wake me. As for anything else, there is no need to apologize." Surprised, she squinted at the chronometer which showed a few minutes past midnight. Whereas she was known to burn the midnight oil on more than one occasion, she knew that her first officer's bedtime was much earlier. She shook her head in disbelief.

"Kathryn, I once told you that I would do anything to make your burden lighter."

"You do. And I appreciate it. Still, you didn't have to see…"

"You know what I see when I look at you tonight?", he asked. "I see a strong and brave woman." Chakotay smiled and amended, "well, you are strong and brave everyday. But I see a strong and brave woman battling fears she sustained in a traumatic incident, of which, it seems, I only know a small portion. But not only continually battling her fears, but I can see her winning the battle."

When Kathryn made notions to interrupt, he squeezed her hands again, shook his head with a knowing smile and continued, "I am not talking about how you felt, but what I saw, what the Doctor saw." His smile grew rueful and he dropped his gaze. "If anybody should apologize, then it should be me. As I said, you didn't wake me. I couldn't sleep. So I came here. I invaded your privacy to check up on you. Not for your sake, but for mine."

Kathryn furrowed her brow failing to understand the difference.

"You woke me from my nightmare, you called the doctor." She grimaced at that one. "Well, anyway, that saved me from suffering through that infernal headache any longer. And you supported me the whole time. There is no need to apologize. On the contrary, I am grateful for everything you did for me tonight."

"I didn't come here, because I thought something was wrong. I came, because I needed to see you alive and well. I needed to alleviate my fears."

"Which were somewhat founded. I can't fault you for your fears, Chakotay", she said softly.

"And I can't fault you for yours. And you shouldn't either, Kathryn."

She jumped up at that. "But that is the problem! It hasn't been real!" A shiver went through her which was only partly caused by her sweat soaked nightgown. She needed a hot shower, desperately!

"You may know that now, Kathryn, but your body still remembers, still reacts to the trauma you endured. You perceived it as real."

"No! It is not supposed to, I am not supposed to. It diminishes…" The emotions were whirling inside her like a hurricane. Everything she had endured in the past few hours, past few weeks, past few years even was threatening to overwhelm her. While she was certainly no stranger to that particular feeling, she couldn't and wouldn't break down in front of her first officer, best friend or not. She scoffed at that thought. Well, maybe not break down more than she already had. Hastily she grabbed the warmest, most comfortable pajama from her drawer.

"It diminishes what, Kathryn?" Chakotay's words halted her on her way to her bathroom.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she was glad that she was facing the bathroom, not him. "The real pain people have to endure." Because of me, she added silently. "I'm going to take a shower. You should go now. I am fine. Please don't lose any more sleep on my behalf!", she pleaded. And with that she fled into her shower.

The first sob escaped as she fumbled with her shower controls. The second just in time when the slightly too hot water hit her. The water mixed with her equally hot tears and she could finally let go. She let her head fall against the wall and wept. She cried for her crew, everyone she had lost under her current command. She named them one by one, even the Maquis she never got to know. She cried for the people that were still with her on this voyage of the damned, who might still die or never see their home again, for the hardships they have endured and will yet have to endure. Today, reminded by that horrible nightmare, she also grieved for what they had and might have had on that planet almost a year ago.

Spent, she turned off the water and let the cool air soothe her flushed skin. Her thoughts returned to that alien. "Well, in terms of torturing me you were still an amateur, weren't you? My subconscious could teach you a lesson or two", she thought fiercely. And yet, the shower had not restored her equilibrium as it usually did. She still felt not entirely in control. She hated that feeling and she hated that she knew it would take some more time. Patience was not one of her virtues, especially with herself.

Shivering slightly she wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. "I promise I will do everything in my power to get them home. Your sacrifices will not be in vain", she whispered to her lost crewmen. "I will get you home or die trying", she renewed her promise to her living crew. She had made the decision to save a whole alien people over her own, and she would do it again in a heartbeat, but she knew that there would be consequences. That she would serve her crew with everything she got at day and beyond and she would endure her share of nightmares at night. It was okay and she could balance out her guilt, her duty, her emotions to be the best captain they deserved. Usually.

The nightmares had been frequent in the beginning of their journey and she had made it a habit to roam the ship after her hot showers, not daring to go to sleep again. She chuckled as she thought about it, the way she had made her new crew nervous back then. Eventually, they had gotten used to her idiosyncrasies. Nowadays, she often ended up in the mess hall with a mug full of coffee or Neelix' dubious better-than-coffee substitute and a handful of PADDs scattered on the table, looking at the stars or chatting with Neelix, when he was around at that time of night, or some other night owl among her crew. On the nights she felt too restless she would end up in one Jefferies tube or another taking on one of the assignments on the "we'll take care of it when we'll get around to it" list of her chief engineer. In the morning she would be greeted by B'Elanna and a cup of coffee for each. They would sit in companionable silence in the twilight between shifts, neither woman exactly sure who is serving under whom at that moment, content to be good colleagues or maybe tentative friends.

Kathryn looked at her mirror-self in surprise. She actually valued those times in the mess hall or engineering. The days, too, were not only filled with one disaster after another but also with gentle teasing on the bridge, whispering with Chakotay, parties on the holodeck, beating Paris at a round of Pool or sharing gossip and laughter during meals in the mess hall. Life wasn't too bad, she decided. She would be okay. Her nerves were still a bit frayed but with time she would get there.

Tonight, she was too exhausted to roam the ship, but her desk or her couch would be enough.