Lettie returned to her studying not long after, ending their conversation before he could desperately beg for more. She was still, as she explained, mourning the loss of her carefully constructed persona, wanting to grieve the life she wanted to have, where Edward knew her as nothing but a simple ghost with an uncomplicated history, unburdened by hardship or sadness. It was a very traditional wish to have, a reminder of his own human childhood where everyone pretended to be happy all the time despite the devastation around them, but that wish only made him understand her all the better. She offered a suggestion to him, to go to his family downstairs and apologize before anything close to resentment had time to form, before returning to her work, tuning him out once more.
Though everyone was surprised when Edward returned from his room, head dipped down in regret, apologizing for the way he'd been acting, no one was more than Rosalie. Her eyes were alight with distrust, narrowed to pick apart his vulnerability for truth.
"I'm really sorry. I've been feeling off, and I've been taking it out on you, when that's completely unfair. I've had a bit of…clarity, and it's made me want to try to do better."
"And that clarity was…what? Don't be a dick to your family?"
"Among other things," he replied, whipping away her insult with a simple shrug.
Esme was more than pleased to allow Edward to help once more, stringing up his finished garland with a proud smile on her face, petting his head gently and thanking him for apologizing. His chest filled with guilt at worrying Esme so much, giving her a small smile to reassure her. Though both Rosalie and Jasper were still suspicious, the night ended with smiles on most of their faces, which made Carlisle and Esme extremely happy.
Lettie still wasn't speaking to him, but she returned to his side as they walked to and from class, reminding him to wear his headphones, and subtly nudging him when someone tried to approach. If possible, she sat beside him in class, leaning over to watch him scribble notes. She continued to sit outside during lunch, that same far-off look returning as she gazed into the downpour that trailed after them for days. They didn't return to their mountain, instead sitting across each other on the leather couch, working silently on their schoolwork. Edward spent more time with his family, a lame excuse to make up for worrying them so much the last couple of weeks, but it seemed to make Lettie happy to see them goofing off.
She allowed him a little closer as finals approached, asking him questions when she was confused or needed help to double-check her work. She allowed a full conversation to plan how she was going to take his final, and even gave him a full smile when he reassured her that she was going to do well.
No one in his family was ever worried about finals, too used to the curriculum or just not caring enough (Emmett) to stress about their grades, so it was funny for him to see Lettie working herself up so much. She was practically trembling as she took each test, reading over the questions three times before she whispered her answers to Edward, as if anyone would be able to hear her. She practically melted into his leather sofa when she returned after the final day of classes, allowing herself to moan quietly about the stress. They shared a soft moment as Edward laughed.
Now, without school to distract them during the day, it was hard not to notice the lingering hesitation where there was once only carefree friendship. Lettie was still unsure how to speak to Edward after avoiding him for so long; it was obvious in the way she would always open and close her mouth at least once before talking, and Edward was reluctantly letting Lettie take the lead each conversation, wanting her to set the boundaries on where their friendship lay. It was exhausting, but worth it, as her 10 words turned to 20, then 30, then countless more, her smile growing each day. Not even Jasper nor Rosalie's foul moods could disrupt his happiness.
While the Cullens spent time apart in the summer, winter break was usually filled with family time. Esme and Rosalie were especially fond of the Christmas season. Esme became sickly sentimental, fondly recalling the Christmases of her childhood and the traditions her family had. Rosalie, on the other hand, loved the holiday season because there were so many things she could do that felt extremely human; Ice skating, Christmas shopping, movie watching, and, of course, kissing under the mistletoe. She hardly ever enjoyed being in the kitchen, a stabbing reminder that she'll never enjoy food again, but she made an exception at Christmastime, helping Esme put together a handful of different Gingerbread houses.
"No one ever eats the gingerbread anyway," she mused, piping perfect swirls onto the roof, only glaring lightly as Emmett smashed another gumdrop. That, and there was always the added bonus of the lavish praise she received when she and Esme dropped them off at various locations around town, from the church to the diner. No one ever had anything bad to say about Rosalie's gingerbread houses.
Though Edward tried to get Lettie to join in on the fun, she gently rejected him, preferring he was able to spend time with his family undistracted, and instead choosing to sit on their leather sofa and gaze out the window for hours on end. She didn't join them for movie nights, or game nights, or even to go holiday shopping. Not only did he feel guilty for leaving her alone so frequently after they finally were starting to get better, but he was also desperately trying to find some alone time where he could finally sit Lettie down and allow her to ask him anything she wanted.
It took him a while to finally come to terms with it, but Lettie was right - it wasn't fair that he was privy to her darkest moments when she knew nothing of his. It wasn't as if she was completely blind to the darker nature of his life - she had, after all, said goodbye to him every time he left for a hunt only to come back splattered with blood - but this was different from his darkness as a vampire. The darkness he was afraid to show her resided in who he was, not what. He had no clue how she would respond to his limited knowledge of his human life, or the very beginning of his vampire one. He was dreading telling her about his time away from Carlisle, and the struggles he's had ever since he came back. He fears the look on her face when he confesses to the hideous part of himself that must kill to survive.
But, he's resolved above all, that it was no longer an 'if' he told her, but a 'when'.
Now, two weeks after the decision to tell Lettie, he was practically shaking in anxiety. Jasper had been eyeing him all day, shoulders hunched just in case he had to pounce at any second, but Edward was too distracted to reassure him everything was fine. Christmas Eve was, unsurprisingly, the busiest day of their holiday. The morning was spent rushing around to collect last-minute presents, in a desperate effort to keep Alice's gift a surprise (it never worked), and any human appearances around town before they disappeared until the new year, tucked away in the comfort of their home. At night, they opened presents under the tree beside a roaring fire, playing the same Christmas album to completion twice, before departing from one another. Rosalie and Emmett, as well as Carlisle and Esme, retreated to their rooms for some alone time, and Alice and Jasper went for a long hunt, their own tradition they started when they were nomads. They reconvened for the New Year, watching the countdown and starting the new year together.
It was the perfect time for Edward to pull Lettie aside, all the way to their mountain, and have time for a much-needed long discussion, without the fear of anyone interrupting them.
"Alright, everyone!" Alice called, excitement evident in her voice. Despite already knowing what everyone received and what their reactions would be, she was still as excited as ever, practically bouncing on her toes and she called on the family. "Present time!"
"Give me a second, your gift is still upstairs." Alice waved him off with a pout, though she resumed her excited chatter as soon as she spotted Rosalie.
Edward raced up the stairs, strategically grabbing the two presents he purposefully left in this desk drawer. As he and Esme had been running around all day, dropping off the last of the food prepared for tomorrow's lunch at the soup kitchen, then scrubbing pots when it was obvious they were understaffed, it was the first time he'd seen Lettie all day. Her head whipped up as he entered, eyes tearing away from the dark forest outside. Though she tried to appear nonchalant, seated on the sofa with her knees pressed to her chest, she had to bite her lip to stop the excited smile from spreading across it.
"Is it time already?" she said as she spotted him, untucking herself.
Edward peeked over his shoulder, listening for the distracted chatter from his family, before saying, "Yes, but this first."
With a guiding hand, he lowered them to sit, ignoring Lettie's inquisitive eyes. Instead of saying anything more, he opted to gently place a book in her lap, a single bow tied across the front. He wanted to wrap her gift originally, but as soon as he was taping the final corner, he realized that she would no doubt have more problems opening it than was worth it. He'd have been so embarrassed to open her gift for her. So, he settled on a sparkling silver ribbon, the kind that shimmered like snow, to cover the title. He could tell it took a little effort on her part to move it, but when she did, her jaw dropped.
"But how-"
"Alice insisted on getting a book for Carlisle, and I found it in the same bookshop." The title, Sentimental Education, glowed under the soft window light, the fabric cover rough from years of sitting on the shelf. But, with the way Lettie was looking at it, it might as well have been the Mona Lisa staring right back at her. "I wasn't sure if this was the same cover your friend had, but if not I can find-"
"Edward." Lettie's voice wobbled as she leaned towards him, arms encircling his shoulders and neck, bringing his face into the crook of her neck. "Thank you."
Selfishly, he allowed his arms to wrap around her, pulling her even closer to him. Since the day they fought, Lettie hadn't gotten close to him, not to ride his on back or hold his sleeve, but this, this made up for all the time they spent apart, filling that hole in his chest just a little more.
"I'm sorry I haven't been as honest or as vulnerable as you wished for me to be," he said quietly, keeping her close to him when she tried to pull away, "but I want to change that."
"Truly?" she asked, voice as low as his.
"Absolutely. It's the least you deserve. If it's alright, I want to take you to our mountain, after everyone pairs off, and we can talk, for however long you'd like. And I'll answer any question you have, even if I get uncomfortable."
"You should not sacrifice your comfort for mine."
"But you did. For me, for so long. I want to be honest with you, and being uncomfortable isn't always a bad thing." When he finally allowed her to separate, they shared a small smile.
"I would very much like that."
"Yo, Eddy!" They both jumped as Emmett's booming voice rattled the house. Edward only had a moment to push Lettie's new book off her lap and onto the couch before he and Jasper appeared at the door. Emmett's face held only excitement, but Jasper had a look of suspicion that put Edward on edge. "What happened? It's present time!"
"Sorry, sorry." He hastily grabbed the shimmering silver ribbon from its spot on the floor, pretending to fiddle with it. "I found a better ribbon for Alice's present and had to change it before she saw it."
"As if she'd notice a ribbon," Emmett teased, missing the way Jasper's eyes narrowed at the lie. "Come on! Esme says we can't start until everyone is there!"
He disappeared in the blur, too excited to wait a second more. Jasper, on the other hand, looked at Edward, then around the room, looking for anything that would explain Edward's odd behavior. Then, his eyes passed over the book beside him, and Lettie, hardly sparing them a second glance, but Edward couldn't help it; he tensed, nudging his hand against Lettie's lightly before he could stop himself.
Jasper's eyes returned sharply to it. He approached, much more daring than he normally would thanks to the lingering anger at Edward's recent behavior and unstable emotions, pushing him to invade his adoptive brother's personal space when he'd normally be the most considerate of the family. Edward clenched his hands in an effort to stay still. Lettie, beside him, completely froze, shoulders tense as she held her breath. While leaning down, Jasper's face was but a hair's breadth away.
"'Sentimental Education'?" he read aloud, flipping the book back and forth as he rose. He eyed Edward, brow raising. "I didn't know you cared about the French's revolutions."
"Yeah, well." Edward stood as well, snatching it from his hands. Though he knew Jasper wouldn't do anything to damage it, his brother had no clue the object he was holding belonged to someone else. When he turned to place it on the couch again, he shot Lettie an apologetic look, mouthing a silent apology as he placed it by her leg. She mouthed her thanks in return. When Edward straightened his back, he returned a small glare to the other male. "It was never about the revolution, was it?"
"I wouldn't know," Jasper returned, taking a step closer, flickering his eyes up and down. "Maybe you'll let me borrow it sometime."
"We'll see." Edward shrugged noncommittally, but his voice was tense. Jasper's eyes narrowed further, taking another step.
"Helloooo." Alice's sing-song voice stopped Jasper from going any further. Her light steps were barely heard as she skipped towards Edward's open door. When she entered, she stopped short, scanning the room for a second before rolling her eyes. She allowed Edward the briefest glance into her latest vision, Jasper pouncing on him and sending them both through his window, as she reached out and grasped Jasper's hand. "If you two are done, everyone is waiting for you downstairs to open presents. And Emmett is getting impatient."
"Sorry, Alice," Jasper apologized, voice instantly softer. "We were just talking about his new book."
"Oh? That old thing? Edward saw that in Seattle and just had to have it. The shopkeeper was just so thankful someone wanted to get it, wouldn't stop chatting his ear off until we left."
She tugged on Jasper's hand, pulling him towards the door. He followed with little resistance, casting a single glance over his shoulder at Edward, before turning back, smiling and nodding along to Alice. Edward nodded to Lettie, outstretching his arm so she could use it to pull herself up, mindful of watching eyes.
"You're just mad he didn't like your choice." Edward teased carefully, pulling Lettie along to catch up to them. Alice gave him a thankful nod for trying to defuse the situation, but his remark only made Jasper frown.
"Well, I already know Carlisle is going to love my gift, so it doesn't matter what some old shopkeeper thinks."
"Alice," Esme chidded quietly as they approached. The room was glowing with secondary light, night darkening everything until there was nothing but the warmth of the Christmas lights and the roaring of the fire. The two large trees practically bowed under the weight of all the ornaments, presents burying the tree skirt. Their couch was covered in winter blankets and pillows, though no one dared complain about the lack of space to properly sit, too mellowed by the warm atmosphere. Lettie excitedly danced around the room while Esme gave Edward and Jasper a lovely smile, patting both of their cheeks affectionately as if she hadn't spent all day with them already. "Are you boys ready to open presents?"
"Hell yeah!" Emmett cut in, despite the question not being directed toward him. Neither brother found themselves annoyed.
It was as Alice predicted. Everyone loved her gifts, wrapped in their favorite color and topped with the bow each enjoyed the most. Rosalie's gifts were small and simple, while Jasper went for a more sentimental approach. Edward's gifts went over nicely, thanks to Alice's input and Lettie's advice. Emmett gifted everyone the same thing, his latest baseball shirt design, and Esme teamed up with Carlisle to give each of them a piece of jewelry with their family crest on it, personalized to each of their personalities.
Esme chose to have hers be on a bracelet, shining up at her while she worked on her sketches. Carlisle went for a classic ring, paired to parallel the one he wore on his marriage finger. They gave Emmett a leather cuff, the strongest piece they could think of. Jasper received a delicate pin, so he could choose where to wear it. Alice and Rosalie had theirs on necklaces, though Alice's was far daintier than Rosalie's. When Edward opened his, however, determined it was going to be another bracelet, he was surprised to pull out a locket, nearly the same size as Lettie's.
"So now each of you has a piece of the family with you wherever you go," Carlisle said sweetly, pulling his wife to his side with a proud smile. Their gift received a flurry of hugs, each member thankful for the thoughtful gift, but Edward was frozen in place.
"Edward, dear? Do you not like it?"
"No, I…I love it. Thank you, both of you." He gave his pseudo-parents a hug, leaving his place beside Lettie on the couch to do so. "I was just a little shocked at the piece you chose for me."
"Well, Carlisle wanted to get you a bracelet, like Emmett's, but I remembered you've been carrying around that necklace for a while now and thought it would be a good replacement in case it ever got damaged."
"A replacement?" He hadn't meant the words to come out that harshly. Carlisle tightened his hand just a fraction around her shoulder.
"I know you're very careful with your belongings, but accidents happen." When Edward didn't relax, Esme hastened to add, "But you're welcome to wear both of them. Or neither!" Carlisle gave him a pointed look.
"Great. Thanks."
"Yikes," Emmett stage whispered, leaning closer to Rosalie, who wore a sinister smirk. "Talk about a tightass."
"I didn't mean it like that-Thank you, Esme, Carlisle, I love it, truly."
Surprisingly, it wasn't Rosalie or Emmett with the second response, but Jasper, who scoffed loudly. It was the most he had ever done to openly disapprove of someone. Emmett's jaw dropped in shocked amusement. Edward couldn't help himself.
"Do we have a problem?"
"I don't know, Edward, do we? Or do you have a problem with something else and you're just refusing to do anything about it and lashing out at anyone who talks to you."
The room went deathly quiet. Lettie shifted behind him. Rosalie bit back a snigger. Emmett whispered a quiet 'damn' under his breath. That only made Edward's nonexistent blood boil.
"I wouldn't be so tense if I could have a minute without you breathing down my neck."
"I wouldn't have to pay such close attention to you if you would just tell us what's making your emotions so uncontrollable. We aren't like you, Edward. Not all of us can know what's happening simply by looking at a person."
"There's nothing going on with me-"
"Like hell!" Alice gasped as a vision struck her, Carlisle reaching out to catch her weight.
Edward only just managed to catch a glimpse of him and Jasper fighting before he was lunged at. The two nearly indestructible bodies went flying with the force, tripping over the uneven floor until they crashed into the window, glass showering around them. He could barely hear the tail end of Lettie's shout as he hit the dirt ground hard, a divot forming beneath him, his shirt instantly soaked in the freshly frozen groundwater. He managed to escape Jasper's grasping hands thanks to the uneven terrain, using their momentum to flip him up and over, face to the sky.
"Jasper! Edward!" Carlisle's stern voice called, but it did little to deter the two fighters. They sprung up, teeth bared, crouched and circled their opponent.
"Emmett, please stop them!" The rest of the family piled onto the porch, each with a different expression on their face.
"No!" Jasper roared before Emmett could even take a step forward. "He can either answer the question, or we can fight this out."
Edward simply scoffed.
Jasper went for his neck next, barely managing a hand around it before Edward forced him away. Back and forth the two went, Edward only barely managing to dodge Jasper's attacks; It was only thanks to his mind reading that he was able to hold out so long. Though he was confident in his fighting abilities, no one was stronger or deadlier in a fight than Jasper, and Edward was all too aware of this fact.
Jasper's next attack was too fast for him to see ahead, barely dodging his outstretched hand as Jasper reached for midsection. Instead, his finger caught his belt loop, ripping the delicate denim from him. To his horror, Lettie's necklace, attached to the very same loop keeping it close to him, dissolved to nothing. The momentum sent the necklace sailing through the air, light from their once cozy living room bouncing off the metal's edge.
"No!" he shouted, but Jasper used the distraction to tackle him to the floor, cutting him off from saying anything more. An unwanted grunt left him as he hit the ground once more, Jasper's forearm stiff against his neck, teeth inches from ripping his arm from the socket.
"Alice?!" Rosalie's voice was high, panicked, more than she'd been in years. It was Jasper this time to be distracted, head whipping up at the call and the new uneven sputter that left Alice's lips. Edward barely managed to catch a glimpse of Alice's open hand, pendant firmly in her palm, before her violent visions filled his mind.
Alice rarely saw the same thing twice. Unless a future changed drastically, there was little need to nit-pick each possible outcome, especially since her visions left her vulnerable to the outside world. More importantly, Alice never saw the past. It just wasn't how her powers worked. This, however, was not what stumped Edward the most. Together, he and Alice watched as the various visions she's had over the past few months played out all over again. Only this time, Lettie would appear suddenly, laughing or walking along, just as Edward always saw her, in the previously empty space that existed when Alice first watched them.
"Alice? Alice! Can you hear me?!" Jasper begged.
Edward was barely able to pull himself out of Alice's vision, so he knew there was no hope for her until they finished. He blinked his eyes, trying to clear the fog of Alice's ability, to see the present. It was hard, much harder than it had ever been, a testament to how powerful this series of visions were. Wherever he looked, he could still vaguely see the outlines of the visions, as if a film reel was being spun over his eyes.
Alice was slumped to the floor, head bowed low to the ground, shoulders shaking with overexertion. Rosalie and Jasper were crouched beside her, Rosalie petting her hair softly while Jasper held one of her hands, leaning down until his head was resting against the floor, trying to see Alice's face, to reassure himself she was okay.. When she continued to be unresponsive, Jasper turned, hateful glare on Edward. He sped forward, hand immediately clasped in Edward's shirt, pulling him upright. "What did you do? What did you do?!"
"She'll be alright," he barely managed, struggling against Jasper's grip. This time, Emmett did intervene, speeding next to them and pulling Jasper's hand from Edward, though he didn't do much to help Edward as he stumbled. "She just needs a minute."
"A minute to what-"
Rosalie's scream is what stopped him next. Jasper stumbled from the sudden influx of violent emotions. In an instant, Emmett was back across the yard, rushing towards her, but she was already scrambling off the steps, falling ungracefully to the floor and pushing herself as fast as her hands allowed. The necklace fell unceremoniously from her flailing hands, but she was too distracted to notice, eyes were locked ahead. She was staring clearly right at Lettie, Edward realized, who could do nothing but stare back with glistening eyes.
"Babe? Rosalie?" Emmett tried to pull her up, but Rosalie continued to scramble, too wiggly to be held still, feet unwilling to hold her upright. She looked at Emmett, only to verify it was truly him, before turning back to Lettie, the softest whimper any of them had ever heard from her escaping her lips. "What's going on? Are you alright?" Emmett's hands trembled.
No longer confined to a fight, Edward pushed forward, snatching the necklace from where it lay on the floor, speeding past his family to Lettie.
"Edward…" she whispered softly, voice trembling, apologies playing in her mind. Her hands, unknowingly, reached out, grasping onto Edward's elbows, back bent, eyes glittered up at him, pleading. Her mind swam with faces - her father's, Stephen's, another he had never seen before - all mimicking the same horrified look. She flinched as Rosalie let out another sound, unaware Lettie could speak.
"It's not your fault," he said, firmer than he thought he could manage at the moment. Once he gave her a look over, verifying that she was okay physically, he turned back to his family, placing his body between them and Lettie. All of them, bar Rosalie and Alice, looked at him in shocked confusion, increasing as he crouched slightly, bearing his teeth. He held his hand away, the pendant thumping with energy against his palm. It was the closest thing he's felt to having a heartbeat in decades.
"I think," Caslile started after a moment of tense silence, "you have some explaining to do. Now."