A/n: Ok, so it's been a while since I've watched YJ but I came across a video recently that had Dick and Wally and I couldn't stop thinking about Wally's death and the scenes we never got to see of the immediate aftermath. I had this idea written and planned a while ago but I changed a few things and decided to finally write the whole fic. The original idea was a oneshot but as I wrote, I realised it was more of a three-chapter thing so that's what I did BUT I wrote it all before I posted this so I'm not keeping you waiting for a week before the next chapter ;)

He barely remembers the hours after it happened. It's all… muted, disjointed.

He heard Flash telling Artemis, but his mind refused to believe his ears. He saw Artemis' legs give out, the older speedster catching her and lowering her down to the snow. It was a miracle he didn't also collapse, but he'd felt too numb and not because of the cold.

His training was blocking out all of his emotion for now, letting his tactical mind take over. yes the missionwas over, but the work was far from done. He'd only just thought about opening his mouth to suggest they all get back on the ship and out of the cold towards home but then he remembered he wasn't in charge anymore. He'd turned leadership back over to Kaldur so he didn't have that authority. He didn't have anything to do.

He'd been wishing for this moment for so long, the one where he didn't have to make the decisions for once but now that it was here, all he wanted was the pressures and stress of leading back so he'd have something else to occupy his mind instead of his own thoughts. The same thoughts that told him it was all his fault - that Wally had died because it was his fault he'd brought Artemis back into the game only for it to lead to this.

It had been his fault for making the stupid plan for Kaldur to go undercover. He'd put his best friends in the most dangerous situation while he stayed on the sidelines. It had been so lucky, so lucky, that no one had gotten hurt earlier - but they had, Kaldur had almost lost his mind and their base had been blown up and - but now one of them had been. Gone forever. And it was all Dick's fault.

Eventually they had all made it back to the ship. Maybe M'gann had brought the ship to them instead, but he'd been so out of it that all he had been aware of was someone - maybe Kaldur - leading him onto the ship.

The numb feeling hadn't left after he'd gotten onto the ship. He couldn't cry, not in front of everyone, but he wanted to feel something, to even just help comfort Artemis who was still sobbing into M'gann's arms but he couldn't.

They made their way back to the Watchtower. Thankfully, Kaldur took charge from there, telling everyone of their victory and how it felt more like a loss. The world might have been saved, but Dick's had just been destroyed.

He knew he shouldn't give back leadership to Kaldur so quickly. The Atlantean had been through his own ordeal too and it was unfair to force him to take over so completely, so soon. Dick had been in charge for the past few months, he could handle a few more hours. He should also probably talk to Artemis, but… he was still processing what had happened. He could barely breathe.

Everything here reminded him of Wally. The watchtower and all the places they'd hung out there. Seeing the team reminded him of how the team had started in the first place which meant thinking about Wally. He wasn't ready to do anything just yet.

Thankfully a welcome distraction came not long after. The Watchtower was alerted to the return of the League.

Dick wanted to be relieved. Surely this meant that it was all over? He didn't have to lead anymore, didn't have to fill in Batman's role for any longer. He could relax now, could breathe easy.

Then why could he not breathe at all?

Kaldur once again took charge and soon everyone is beaming back to Earth. The Team - as scattered as they are - all make their way to the closest beam point to Happy Harbour.

He sees Kaldur move to talk to a still-silently-sobbing Artemis. Dick can hear everything that the Atlantean says to the archer but none of it really registers in his brain. Either way, the next thing he knows is that Artemis isn't with the others and that she's just gone.

Kaldur comes over to him next. "Nightwing," Kaldur starts softly, before glancing around and sighing. "Dick. I understand if you would rather-"

Dick looks his friend in the eyes. The numb feeling was still there, but he had something to do now, a purpose for his training to kick in.

"No. I need to be there to debrief the League."

"I'm sure we will manage if you need-"

"Kaldur." Dick forces his voice to stay strong and steady but it doesn't take as much as he wish it did. His voice just sounds as emotionless as he feels. "I appreciate it, I do, but I'm fine. I… I will be fine. I can do this."

Kaldur searches his face, scrutinising him in that calm and contemplative way only Kaldur can. It's all Dick can do not to fold, but eventually Kaldur just offers a small, sad smile as he reaches up to squeeze Dick's shoulder.

"I have no doubts about that. Come, my friend." With that, they headed to the zeta beams and disappeared.

Those who could fly, flew. Most of the others managed to fit into the S-cycle as they made their way to the beach by Mount Justice.

Dick was one of the many on the S-cycle, so there was no space to sit but he didn't want to. They were at the ruins of their old base soon enough, yet another reminder of his mistakes.

The League stood watching them on the sand as they landed. Batman addressed Aqualad first and while a small part of Dick was jealous, he didn't have enough in him to care about listening to it. Now that he'd handed over control to Aqualad adn the weights that had been crushing him lifted off his shoulder - only to be replaced immediately by guilt - he realised how exhausted he was. How much he just wanted it all to just end.

He just had to hang on a little while longer.

After the initial greetings, the teams split up. Most of Young Justice was free to go home or to their temporary headquarters. The League went up to the Watchtower, joined by Dick, Kaldur and other major players in the past few months like M'gann, Superboy, Impulse and Blue Beetle. Adam and some others came along too.

What followed was maybe the longest and most painful debriefing Dick had ever sat through, let alone led. While Kaldur was back to being the Team leader and he'd been a part of the undercover mission, the mission itself had still been Dick's idea and so it was his responsibility to tell the League about it and everything else that had happened in the months they'd been gone.

He'd avoided looking at Batman and Flash throughout it all. He knew there would be a private debrief between him and Bruce when they got back to the Cave. He couldn't look at Flash without seeing Wally and being reminded of the hardest part of the debrief yet to come.

Kaldur started chiming in and eventually took over when Dick got to the MFD debacle. He was grateful that the Atlantean could tell that Dick probably wouldn't have been able to say what had happened with the last MFD so soon.

After the two finished talking, the League was silent for a few minutes as it sank in. Then they thanked the members of the Team who were present and dismissed them, kicking them out to have their own private discussion.

Dick told Impulse and Blue Beetle that they could go home since it was obvious the two teens were exhausted. He was too but he knew better than to leave before the League was done. M'gann and Superboy wanted to stay as well, but they were also tired and eventually left. It had been a long day for all of them - a long few months.

He'd told Kaldur that the man should go home too, but the Atlantean insisted on staying. He wanted to wait so he could talk to Aquaman, leaving the two sitting in silence outside of the meeting room as they waited for their respective mentors, too tired to chat. Even if they did want to talk, they both knew the other didn't want to talk about 'work' which left no other conversation topics, not really.

It made Dick miss being younger, talking about nothing and everything with Wally for hours on end, laughing until they couldn't breathe and just being kids. Something they'd never be able to do again. God, he couldn't even remember the last time they just hung out. Now that would be the last time they'd hung out forever.

All his fault.

Before his thoughts could spiral further, the sound of a door opening interrupted them. He looked up to see Batman in the doorway.

"Nightwing," Batman greeted emotionlessly.

Kaldur subtly slipped away, catching up with Aquaman who'd exited the room after Batman and the other Leaguers.

"Let's go home."

Dick didn't protest, just following Batman to the zeta beam. He was too tired to do much else.

"Batman, 0-2. Nightwing, B-01."

A few moments later, the Watchtower disappeared, replaced by the familiar comfort of the Cave.

"Woah, dude… this is actually it! The Batcave! Oh man, it's even bigger and cooler than I imagined. Tell me Rob, does Batman actually sleep hanging down from the ceiling?"

Dick swallows the lump in his throat and blocks out the memory along with a flood of so many others; better times when his biggest problem was not letting Batman know Wally had come over and hung out with him in the Batcave.

Wally wasn't here now and he never would be again.

Shut up.

As it is, Barbara and Tim are standing in the Cave, out of costume so they must have cleaned up and come back down even though Dick had told them to go home and rest.

'You never followed orders either - sneaking Wally into the Manor and staying up all night when you were supposed to be resting.'

Dick ignores the thoughts in his head, trying to focus on the rare heartfelt scene in front of him. Bruce has taken his cowl off and Tim rushes to hug him in a way the younger boy never lets himself express his feelings, garnering a small smile from Bruce.

'There was another Robin who never followed your orders… it was fun and harmless enough until it wasn't…'

Dick's blood runs cold.

I said shut up!

"I missed you," Tim mumbles, and Bruce chuckles.

"I missed you too. All of you."

He opens his arms to let Barbara and Dick join the hug. Barbara immediately goes in, but Dick's still frozen, trying to get his breathing back to normal. First he couldn't breathe, and now he's on the verge of hyperventilating. But Bruce is scrutinising him, and so Dick shoves it all down and joins the embrace.

Normally, Dick would do anything for a hug like this, but now it feels suffocating. He doesn't deserve it after everything he did.

"Well," Bruce says as he lets them go. "I'm going to hit the showers. You should too, Dick," he adds, looking the vigilante over once more. "We need to talk, but later after we've all gotten some rest. You're welcome to stay here, tonight."

Dick can just nod, already moving towards the showers and pretending not to notice the sad look that the Bats share behind his back.

The fact that he couldn't sleep was not for lack of trying. It wasn't that he wasn't tired - he was exhausted in every way he could be - but there was still too many loose ends to tie up, reports to type and work to wrap up. He knew it was his brain trying to come up with a distraction because it knew how dangerous it would be for him to be left to his own thoughts but he blatantly ignored that.

He heard footsteps run by his room and deduces it was probably Tim sneaking into Bruce's room. During Bruce's absence, he'd tried his best to be there for the kid. Jason's ghost was always hovering in the corner as a reminder of his past failures as a big brother, telling him to be better with Tim. Of course, Dick had done what he could but some nights he lay awake wondering if maybe it would be better to not get close to Tim, just in case the worst happened (again). All it took was one look at the kid for that thought to fade away by itself.

Either way, he understood Tim being drawn to Bruce's room. He almost wished he could do it too, but he was too old now and too much had changed. Instead, he resigned himself to sitting at his desk in front of his computer, typing away.

The lack of sleep had built up over the past months and so it didn't take much more to catch up to him. He didn't remember his eyes closing but he remembers the nightmares all too well.

It started innocently enough with just him and Wally hanging out. It didn't take long for it to turn into the ghost of Wally blaming him for his death. More people joined him. Artemis, Kaldur, M'gann, Connor, the rest of the team turning on him soon enough. Batman told him he was a failure - he knew he was, he didn't need to be told - but the words cut into his heart regardless. Jason was there too - he always was - telling him he couldn't save anyone, that he was useless. Even Tula had made an appearance along with anyone else he hadn't been able to save, on the team or civilians.

Jason was right. He really couldn't keep anyone alive going off of the sheer number of people there. They all died, because of him. He really was a curse.

When he woke up gasping, tears staining his cheeks, his first instinct had been to call Wally. That had only made him feel worse. After Artemis and Wally had left the team, he'd had to unlearn that habit because Wally had his own life now and couldn't just get calls from his best friend early in the morning because he had college or work later. When Jason had died, Dick had been a mess. Wally had been one of the few people able to help hold him together and he never minded the random calls at any hour of the day or night.

There would be no more calls to Wally ever again. No one to hold him together anymore, so he couldn't let himself break. He wasn't sure he'd be able to ever be pulled back together if he did.

Looking around, Dick noticed it was barely light outside and a quick glance at the clock told him it was five in the morning. He was still exhausted but he couldn't go back to sleep. His mind was still too scrambled to go back to work, which only left one option.

Getting up, he got changed and headed downstairs to the Cave. He needed to punch something, and so that was what he did. Training so next time he would be better. So there wouldn't be a next time in the first place. So he wouldn't lose anyone else. Wasn't that the whole reason he became a vigilante in the first place? Yet he'd failed.

'Failure.'

'Stupid.'

'All your fault.'

Shut up.

He punched the bag again. His knuckles hurt but it was nothing so he kept going. Soon enough, his body was nothing but pain. Pain was good though, kept him out of his head. His head that wouldn't shut up.

His knuckles had split long ago, but they'd heal and he'd get stronger and this wouldn't happen again. Again. Again. Again. Ag-

"Dick."

He froze at the voice, but only for a second. He kept punching and kicking and dodging and -

A hand grabbed his wrist, stopping him from throwing another punch. It wasn't a strong grip but it was first enough. He let the hand gently push his fist down, refusing to look at Bruce.

The two were silent for a bit, but Dick could hear the irregularities in Bruce's breathing that told him how many attempts at saying something had failed. Dick wasn't sure what he wanted Bruce to do or say in this moment. He wanted Bruce to wrap his arms around him and just hold him while he cried, but he still felt too hollow to cry. It all still didn't feel… real, and crying would definitely make it real. He wanted them to pretend nothing had happened, catch up on what had been going on in Gotham while Bruce had been away so he could take over as Batman and Dick could go back to Bludhaven. But he couldn't pretend forever.

Eventually, Bruce just sighed.

"Let's get your hands cleaned up."

A/n: Fun fact, the original idea for the fic was supposed to end around here and Bruce would hug Dick instead of that but I decided I needed more whump because… obviously. I will probably post the next chapter day after tomorrow? Tomorrow? Depends on the response I get and if I just forget lol.

Anyway, stay safe, be nice, and see ya soon.

- CrowofArcadiaOaks