· Song(s) of the Day:
· "Only Time" by Enya (A Day Without Rain)
· "We Built This City" by Traffic (Knee Deep in the Hoopla)
· "Welcome to the Pleasuredome" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood (Welcome to the Pleasuredome)
…
So I don't know why anyone would miss an episode of 'Groot', but here's what's been happening in case you did, homie.
A Sokovian woman and her husband trekked up the treacherous, snow-covered peaks of Mount Wundagore during a ferocious blizzard. Narrating these events was Ant-Man's best friend, Luis.
Iryna had her baby. Or should I say, babies.
Iryna was sweating profusely and screaming, with Olek holding her hand as the midwife, Bova, coaxed her on. Bova was a cow-woman who had been created by the High Evolutionary who was somehow on Earth, which the narrator sadly didn't have time to explain. Iryna withdrew a baby boy first, then twelve minutes later a baby girl.
Plot twist, it was twins. Their names were Wanda and Pietro. Aw, don't they look cute. Raised in the way of the sitcom, Wanda and Pietro were taught the value of optimism from an early age. That no matter how many times the moon changed its shape, the sun would always be there in the morning. That there was no problem in the world that couldn't be solved in twenty-two minutes.
They grew-
Pietro raced his sister through a forest, only six years old. Wanda was laughing and trailing behind.
And they grew-
Sixteen-year-old Pietro passed by Wanda and was moving even faster.
And they grew-
Fourteen-year-old Pietro passed by Wanda and was moving even faster.
And they grew! Man, the Maximoff Twins sure did eat their Wheaties.
Twenty-four year-old Pietro finally came to rest at the edge of the forest. He was tapping his foot impatiently and was examining his watch. Finally, a winded, out of breath Wanda finished the race in second place.
"I win, Wanda." Pietro smirked. "What's the matter, sis? Still too slow to catch up?"
Wanda used her chaos powers to increase the odds of bird pooping on his head.
"Nobody likes a poor sport, Wanda!" Pietro said.
Wanda was sensitive, like a smile. And her loving nature did not discriminate.
The comic book issue Ultimates # 8, which depicted the Earth-1610 version of the twins, flashed across the screen.
NO! NOT LIKE THAT! Wanda once loved a swashbuckling sorcerer named Hunter.
The daughter of Lilith, leader of the Midnight Suns, read by the fire with Wanda by her side.
Another time, she loved a bird-man - on a man-bird!
The mutant Angel and Wanda rode together on birdback, riding overlarge Terror Birds in the Savage Land.
But Wanda's one true love was a robot named the Vision. Like most long-lasting, stable relationships, they met in high school.
Wanda and Vision were on the streets of Scotland, holding hands as Wanda was explaining to Vision the many similarities and differences between Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie.
"Okay, so they were both produced by the same company, Screen Gems. They ran at the same time, but aired on different networks an' shit. Elizabeth Montgomery played the crazy stupid fine witch, Samantha, who was hitched to someone without magic. Barbara Eden played the crazy stupid fine genie, Jeannie, who also had a man who couldn't do magic. Know what I mean, robro?"
Vision didn't understand the majority of what Wanda was telling him, but he was just happy to be with her. He hadn't factored situational comedies into an essential facet of human art, but the way she described it, they sounded just as if not more important than the works of renaissance artists.
But in the quest for love, Wanda lost. Oof.
Wanda waved away to Vision as he took the train to New York. He was still wearing his graduation cap and gown. He mouthed I love you to her.
In fact, she had lost a lot of people last season. Her brother!
Pietro was also on the train, kissing the princess he had promised to marry when they turned eighteen and bouncing his daughter on his knee. Wanda failed her Spanish test and Pietro had aced it, so he had passed by his sister once again. He was so happy in the compartment, he didn't even notice Wanda's heart breaking on the other side of the glass.
Her friends!
The Avengers that Wanda was the closest to (Clint, Natasha, Rhodey, Steve and Tony) were also oblivious to Wanda's emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, it seemed like every single compartment was full of people that Wanda had cared about that were no longer with her and were seated in a row of compartments in such a way to put her through the emotional wringer. All of them, like the previous occupants of the trains, were also wearing graduation caps and gowns. Even the ones that were far too old to have recently graduated, had never gone to high school, or even the ones who were far too young.
And Hulk! And Thor! And Ultron! And even my boy Scottie!
The three Avengers Wanda was less familiar with plus the robot she had befriended were similarly distracted.
And her mother and father.
Iryna and Olek came after them.
…And her mother and father again?
They were followed by Miss America and Whizzer.
…And again?! Damn, girl! I only had to lose my parents once!
And finally, Magda Lehnsherr and Magnus Lehnsherr were the last people Wanda saw pass her by.
Poor Wanda had to watch her country explode. She ripped the heart out of a robot and then she said, 'it felt like that.'
Wanda held a mechanical organ in her palm, which dripped oil instead of blood in her hands.
It seemed as though everything and everyone Wanda loved, she lost. She hid herself behind a bigass red hexagon, so her heart could never be ripped out of her chest again.
Wanda held out her arms, tears streaming down her eyes, and sent out a giant red pulse.
But just because she was no longer an optimist, didn't mean our girl had given up, oh no no. She teamed up with the Groot Club of the Galaxy to cover classic showtunes and contemporary chart hits alike.
Wanda and her eleven fellow Groot Club of the Galaxy members were in the shadows onstage. They were raising their arms up high into the air, singing a cover of Only Time by Enya. Wanda was covering lead vocals. The parents, staff and students alike in the Pepper Potts Memorial Auditorium loved them, and when she finished the final note they all gave the Groot Club a standing ovation.
And yes, I know what you're thinking. This show's premise does sound suspiciously similar to a 2010's musical-comedy series with a one-word title. It also starred a small-town girl living in a lonely world and a city boy born and raised in South Detroit, and most definitely did its fair share of covers. But I assure you, it's nothing like 'Smash.' 'Smash' takes place in New York, and 'Groot' takes place in New Jersey. Duh.
"Actually, I was born in Miss-" Star-Lord tried to tell Luis.
Ain't nobody got time for that!
Anyways, with Wanda's voice and killer dance-moves among their numbers, they were a force to be reckoned with in the show choir world. The Groot Club of the Galaxy went from fallen stars when they debuted at Sectionals, to rising stars when they journeyed to Regionals, to shining stars when they won Nationals.
Wanda soaked up the applause from the audience, lifting the Nationals trophy up into the air with one hand, and clutching the M.V.P. trophy in the other while her teammates lifted her up on their shoulders.
But every shining star has the potential to become a black hole, composed of all the pain Wanda was feeling on the inside.
Wanda's M.V.P. trophy was placed in a glass case, alongside various other trophies she had won for her multiple gifts and pictures of everyone she had lost.
So, she gave up on her search for love, accepting that she was only good for one thing. Waiting in quiet contemplation for the sun to rise so someone in Westview could ask her to lend her triple threats of singing, dancing and playing guitar to make any spontaneous performance of a pop song really pop.
Wanda sat quietly on the porch of her house. She swung back and forth in a rocking chair, watching the sun rise and strumming her guitar.
And that's what you missed on-
GROOT!
…
The sun had finally come up, shining an orange light onto Westview.
" Welcome to the pleasure… dooooooooooommmmmmee." Wanda yawned, going back upstairs. Her pink bathrobe read Boss Witch. She closed her eyes, and got only a few seconds of sleep before her alarm-clock radio flashed at 8:00 A.M. It automatically turned on the student-run Mary Jane in the Morning radio station.
Here's hoping you maudlin Matthew Ellis kids old and new had a great summer, 'cuz it all goes uphill from here. The only thing that's unhappy about a beautiful morning like this is the traffic, so why not some Traffic of our very own? Face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot.*
A mash-up of We Built This City and Welcome to the Pleasuredome began playing. Wanda got up, stretched, and walked into her closet, wearing her pajamas and sporting frazzled hair. She had no sooner entered it then she had exited it as though by magic and was now wearing a red and white cheerleader's outfit that read M.E.H.S. Outside, the people in her boyfriend's car were singing along to the song, prompting her to join them.
She danced downstairs, adding her own refrains of Welcome to the Pleasuredome to the song as she rushed through her morning routine, stuffing her phone into her toast and buttering her bag. A handsome man wearing a football jersey with strawberry blonde hair exited the Spider-Mobile through the window and bounded over to Wanda, opening the front door and sweeping her off her feet in her kitchen and kissing her. He launched into his solo.
" Say you don't know me, or recognize my face." Big Peter warbled. The two of them held hands as they walked over to the car, where Little Peter was sitting in the left-side middle seat and Mandy was sitting in the right-side passenger seat. She and Wanda both wore the same kind of cheerleader outfit. Wanda got into the front seat.
"Your car is super-cool!" Wanda said, waving her arms in the air as the wind whipped in her face.
"Actually, it's my car." Little Peter explained.
"I'm confused." Wanda said.
"Get this." Mandy said. "Our Dad bought it for Little Peter when he graduated middle school."
"Yeah, I love the car and all, but I wish he had talked about it with my parents first." Little Peter said. "It was a little much, especially considering Big Peter's the only one of us who can drive."
"Rate you're going, soon to be two, little bro." Big Peter grinned. "Pop quiz, Parker. What kind of car is the Knight Rider from the original Knight Rider?"
"Uh, I got this one, don't help me." Little Peter screwed his eyes shut in concentration. "Wait a minute, I know, that's a trick question! The car's name was KITT."
"Very good." Big Peter nodded. "And KITT's model was…?"
"A modified third generation 1982 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am?"
"Buh-buh-bingo!" Big Peter said, sticking his hand behind him and high-fiving Little Peter.
" Moving at one million miles an hour, using my power I sell it by the hour. Corporation games, corporation names."
The Spider-Mobile went off to pick up Hope and Artie as Little Peter and Mandy duetted to more of We Built This City in the back. Even though Mandy wasn't overly fond of their parents' union, or the dinosaur music they loved listening to for that matter, even she couldn't find it within herself to pretend to dislike this song.
" Shooting stars never stop, even when they reach the top!"
" They call us irresponsible, write us off the page!"
The Spider-Mobile came to rest at their second of the Groot Club's three planned stops in front of the extremely muscular Artie Douglas went straight down his ramp and up the car's wheelchair-lift.
" It's just another Monday!" He belted. " Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha!"
"Artie, aren't the lyrics 'it's just another Sunday?'" Mandy asked.
"But it's not Sunday," Artie said. "That would be erroneous since it's clearly a Monday. I still maintained the rhyme, and didn't mislead anyone listening in the process."
"You are literally such a geek, Artie." Mandy rolled her eyes.
"Actually, the word you're looking for is Greek." Artie corrected, adjusting his glasses in a smugly superior manner. "Groot plus geek, get it? Now that I think about it, since everyone in this automobile belongs to the same show choir, your intent to insult me is the equivalent to the pot calling the kettle black. Which is a metaphor I never quite understood, since kitchenware generally cannot speak for itself. Except for perhaps a mechanical toaster that reminds its owner when its bagel is ready. And for that matter, there is no guarantee that one's pot and kettle would even be the same color unless-"
"Nevermind." Mandy sighed. Artie had a gift for taking all the fun out of ennui-driven insults. She glanced out of the window and brightened up considerably as she saw the newest member of the Groot Club pulling into the M.E.H.S. parking lot in her convertible Quantum Vehicle.
" Who counts the money?" Hope sung, getting out of her car and hugging her friends one by one as they exited. " Underneath the bar?"
" Who rides the wrecking ball into our guitars?" Big Peter sung.
" Don't tell us you need us!" Artie sung.
" 'Cause we're the ship of fools!" Mandy sung.
" Looking for America!" Little Peter sung.
" Crawling through your schools!" Wanda sung.
The passing-by students were ignoring the singing sextet, seemingly used to their song shenanigans by this point. Even as the Groot Club paraded to the Pepper Potts Memorial Auditorium and danced about madly (oddly, there were no new classes on their first day), their non-musical peers were utterly oblivious to the high-energy mash-up being belted out right beside them.
" We built this city!" The Groot Club of the Galaxy harmonized, holding out jazz hands behind Wanda.
"WELCOME!" Wanda finished off strong in a deeply devilish voice that sounded very unlike her own. "A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA."
The Groot Club were all breathing heavily and sweating. They knew they had just laid down a fire track, they didn't even need applause to validate their passion. But they got it anyway by the lone audience member. It was the cheerleading coach, who wore a green and purple sweatsuit. A spotlight shone on him. He held up a megaphone.
"You think that was hard?" Coach Xu bellowed. "Try being waterboarded. That's hard."
A group of cheerleaders surrounded the Groot Club and did the most humiliating thing anyone in this school could do to one of its students. The cheerleaders slushied the Groot Club in rainbow colors as if they were a firing squad performing an execution. The icy, sticky drink soaked their clothes, their bodies, and dripped into their unmentionables. Only when their cups ran empty did Coach Xu snap his fingers and his cheerleaders left the auditorium, smirking triumphantly. "You should have stuck to the science fair, insect." He stood up and pointed at the Groot Club. It was uncertain who he was pointing at exactly. His ten cheerleading championship rings shone in the spotlight that was trained on him. "That, you can win."
And with that, Coach Xu departed the auditorium.
"Fade to black," He said.
Bum bum bum bum bum!
groot
…
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