Chapter 11

Ducissa just sat on the marble floor of the throne room, Erika glaring at her from where she sat on the stairs.

The kings were seated at the table, finishing up pieces of work they would have gotten done the day before but hadn't had the time yet.

They watched their final mate just sit on the bottom of the stairs, hands clasped in front of her mouth as she glared at her supposed Familiar. They didn't try to speak to her about what happened before, about the Witch stuff and Ducissa being a Familiar, knowing Erika hadn't processed it herself yet.

Anna Sallow situated herself in a nearby hotel, not wanting to stay at the castle but stayed close enough so if Erika wanted to talk to her, it wouldn't be a huge trek.

So Erika just sat there and stared at the cat.

Ducissa laid down, rolling to her back to show off her stomach and waved her front paws in the air.

Erika groaned into her hands.

"You're too fucking cute. Come here, baby," Ducissa ran into her arms, cuddling close as she whined in apology. "I know you didn't mean to deceive me. Neither of us knew."

She carried her feline over to the table, sitting down as she felt the eyes of her mates on her but she didn't care at the moment. She already had a brand new, leather-bound book on the table, along with a good pen.

"I need you three to promise me something," She asked, not looking up from the table for a second, her hand on the leather book. "You do not read what is in this book. You do not look inside it. You do not touch it unless asked. I'm going to start to put my innermost thoughts and fears in this as a way to heal from trauma from my past."

"Can you not speak to us about it?" Aro asked. "We all have trauma but we will not judge when or if we learn about yours."

Erika shook her head. "I need to process everything myself first. And all this Witch shit kinda makes me realise I need to so I can know myself better."

"Would we ever get to know what happened to cause you so much harm?" Caius asked.

"Someday," She nodded once. "You have your outlets, but this will be mine. I just need to know that I can trust you to not read it before I say."

They agreed to never look into the journal without her permission, nor let anyone else to.

)()()()()()(

13th June 2016.

Entry 1:

Truthfully, I don't even know how to start this so you'd understand me better. I probably should write this for myself more than you, so that's what I'm going to do.

I'm not going to sugarcoat my feelings and experiences to dull down what I've been through.

I know other people have had worse lives, but this is mine.

I was born November 14th, 1993.

It was a Monday.

A cloudy Monday in England because my mother ran back to the UK after she found out she was pregnant. She was only a couple years older than me when she had me, but she knew she wasn't going to be a good mother and so passed me off to my dad.

I've lived in America since I was young. I didn't visit my mum often because she was busy with work but she still called often enough to make me feel like she still cared. I went every couple of years to England and I loved it there but I didn't love being with my mum. It was just that way.

My dad met Renee two years after I was born, and they had Bella when I was almost four. I can't ever remember her birthday besides the fact that it's in September. She hates me for it but she secretly finds it hilarious. Neither of us remember birthdays.

But we both know there is a 3 year and 10-month difference, that we know for sure since we calculated it one year but I don't remember which.

I rarely saw Bella growing up but she came a couple times a year to visit our dad, though she loved going home back to her mother. Regardless of how long I saw her, she was my sister and Daddy always said to protect family and so I still try my best.

I grew up around the Tribe in Forks, so I quickly found out about the wolves that lived around there. They're not Werewolves as Caius fears, but rather they are Shapeshifters (though I call them Shifters because it's just a lot easier). When the Cullens came, a couple of the tribe members shifted so that was strange to see but I knew to keep the secret since I was young.

My dad doesn't even know and he's the sheriff.

I like to think I had a normal childhood, though I knew how to use a gun before I could drive, and then I was taught how to drive better than anyone in my grade. I know how to defend myself, Dad made sure of that, and I could argue anyone out of anything, Dad knew and could give several separate examples of this.

Erika paused in her writing, biting her bottom lip in thought for only a second as she stood up from the table and went to the kitchen to get herself a cup of coffee.

She came back, and she knew they hadn't even touched the book where the pen was sitting between the closed pages to keep her spot. She sat back down, lifting the pen once again and began.

I think that's enough background stuff. I'll add more if I feel there's a need, otherwise, you can ask me when you read this, whenever that would be. I hope I find the courage to let you all read it, but even I know there's going to be moments when you read it that I'd wished you weren't reading it.

One of the most defining parts of my life was when I was fourteen and with my mother in Cambridge to try and get some quality time together. We didn't spend much time together in total, I spent most of my life in Forks and she was in London for work. She worked as a sort of politician or something as I grew older, I never truly cared for what she worked as.

We were out in Cambridge for the day, sunny and bright. I don't remember the month, though I suspect it was some point in early August since the summer holidays were out for the UK students too.

We spent the day in a couple different libraries, my mum would let me go wherever I wanted and go me about two books each time. As I'm thinking back on, there were a couple books that weren't so… mundane as they should have been. I'll have to look into that now, I know I still have the deed to my mum's house somewhere and the key. Dad kept it safe for me when I was younger since he was my only parent.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing this down, that day was the day my mother was killed in front of me.

My memories of the actual attack are still foggy, though I clearly remember the feral eyes of a deranged Vampire. He wasn't a Newborn, I could clearly tell you that. But he was savage in the way he tore into my mother's neck, making her scream in pain. He controlled himself as he ripped himself from her neck, making a mess and letting her scream as venom entered her system. He must have wanted to make her suffer but he killed her quick enough that I couldn't get away.

I tried to run, as Dad had taught me when it was dangerous and I was only fourteen. I knew whatever the man was, (I didn't know Vampires themselves were real until Alice told me, I knew about Shifters for a while,) that he was extremely dangerous and being fourteen, running was the best option.

The Vampire allowed me to run a couple metres, he had laughed at me but I didn't comprehend him moving until he got in front of me and tripped me. I fell on my arm, my left one, and sprained my wrist. He laughed more at that and he said something, I don't remember because I was so scared that I couldn't think.

Escaping was at the forefront of my mind.

After I fell on my arm and sprained my wrist, I moved onto my ass and tried to scruffle backwards.

The man's head was torn from his torso before he could advance on me, making his body slump forward and onto me.

Being a sane human being, I screamed before kicking him off of me.

I still couldn't understand words at this point, I was still too terrified to comprehend anything that didn't have to do with me becoming safe. It didn't take long for a woman, who I now know is Daphne Wellerman, to come towards me in such a manner that stopped the prey side of my humanity from making me run.

I became cold, mentally and physically as she erased my memories of the event, of the man who killed my mother in front of me, and the whole day's event.

Daphne escorted me to a police centre, I somehow remember that, and she spoke to a person who she had done a favour for. After she and her coven mates made sure that I would be in the proper hands with no memories of the events, they left me.

I can't blame them, I wasn't their responsibility and I'm somehow glad they took me somewhere safe before leaving. They could have left me there with no memories of the day, confused and suddenly so cold in a country I didn't live in.

I think that even started my mental spiral down, losing myself in my mind more times than not as I tried to remember something that could help me stop the intrusive thoughts of pain.

Nothing worked for long, though hurting myself worked the best and longest.

Nothing worked for long until I met Leroy.

I'm not ready to write about him yet. I hate him though, I hate him for what he did to me, for what I allowed to happen to me. I know it wasn't my fault but it feels like it is at times.

He's one of the reasons I like control, one of the reasons I refuse to submit to anyone anymore.

I'm a sexually submissive person with brat tendencies, even I know that about myself.

Outside the bedroom, I'm not that kind of person. I refuse to be because of what Leroy did. He's done more damage to me than anyone should have.

I hope you understand that I'm not ready to completely out what happened between him and me, though I keep hinting at it.

He took a vulnerable, younger girl, and created a plaything out of her. He forced me to give more than I could or wanted, and he took everything else. Though he never forced me to act or took from me what I wasn't willing to give, he manipulated me so it's just as bad as if he took it himself.

I'm just glad I had people to protect me, even strangers that helped.

I think that's enough today. I don't know when I'll write again, whenever the mood strikes me.

I know I will regret letting you read this in a couple minutes after I finish, but I know you have to know. You'll understand me better and why I do things the way I do. I'm not trying to be difficult or trying to be bad, I just can't do some things because… I can't explain it.

I can't help it, would be the best way to put it.

Some things remind me of bad times while others I refuse to do out of the pure principle of being myself.

I won't let you bully me into anything, won't let you have power over me, won't let you keep me like a prized possession to be taken out when you feel like it.

I am a person and I am an equal.

You will understand this or you will lose me completely.

(If you have questions, please write them down instead of asking me. I'll answer them in due time but I don't think I could if you asked me directly) ES.

She signed it off, closing the book and sitting back in her seat as she contemplated her next actions.

Erika knew herself so well, so she stood up, handed Marcus the journal, told them they were allowed to read what she wrote, and also told them she was going for a ride whilst they read it.

She almost bolted out of the room.

)()()()()()(

Bella had almost an hour walking around the castle, carefully avoiding the dungeon areas and anywhere she got told was off-limits, to try and find her sister. It wasn't about anything terribly important but Rosalie was off somewhere and Erika was the only other person she knew.

After Ananias found her wandering, he took her to the throne room because perhaps the kings would know where Erika was.

While Bella was cautious and nervous about being alone in a room with the kings, she knew Erika would rip them a new one if she was harmed or even threatened.

Erika was scary at times.

"Er, excuse me," Bella said as soon as the doors behind her were closed.

"Oh, Bella, dear, are you looking for your sister?" Aro asked, looking up from the book the three of them were reading. "She left for a ride not long ago. I do not know when she will be back, however."

Bella paused, taking a moment to think before she carefully took a couple of steps closer. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"What happened?" Bella repeated, worry starting to come over her. "If Erika went for a ride, that means she has something on her mind. If she hasn't said when she's gonna be back, that means she isn't in a great mindset and needs time to relax. So I repeat, what happened?"

"She has decided to reveal parts of herself to us," Marcus explained. "She is still not liking the fact we are mates, but she has started to accept it. I doubt Erika likes the fact that she is revealing parts of herself but I, myself, am glad. She is letting us know her better."

"She's a really secretive person," Bella said. "She likes her secrets, though she doesn't do it to harm anyone. Erika just likes having control of her life."

"We've noticed," Caius said. "She's threatened to leave if we mistreat her."

"Good. If she comes back upset or even remotely sad, Charlie will you make you pay,"

"Who is Leroy?"

Bella hesitated. "That's not for me to discuss. I know little about it but you need to talk to Erika about it. Get the information from anyone else and she won't react well."

"Define won't react well?"

"All I can say is that you'll need all the luck in the world," She said. "One angry Swan is one thing, three is a death wish."

)()()()()()(

Entry 2:

I didn't think I would write another chapter of the life of Erika Swan so soon after I gave you the first chapter to read. I know the other was vague in places but I did that on purpose since I'm not ready to face the darkness yet.

I feel… lighter after writing down parts of my life.

I'm a writer, it's what I do, tell a story that is worth reading. Mine is just less bunnies and fluff and rather a touch of brimstone and darkness mixed in.

I might not seem like an emotional person, but I am. I just rather hide it than have to explain why I'm constantly feeling a new emotion every time we start a conversation or change the topic. I don't like change that I can't control, and that's less me having control and more that I don't like the unexpected.

That's probably a reason why I reacted the way I did when you suddenly appeared at my apartment in Forks after I went back home after Caius locked me up. No, I'm still not happy about it but I've forgiven it, but I won't forget.

I don't forget stuff like that.

Did you know I used to play the violin? I don't anymore, I haven't since I turned 18. I started when my mum started to teach me. She played it when she was younger and thought knowing how to play would be a cool skill to have. I liked it enough that I continued to play it after she died as a way to remember her. It was a coping mechanism.

Does the castle have a room for instruments? Ananias hasn't mentioned anything but sometimes, late at night, I can hear a piano being played. I know it comes from one of the rooms in our wing, but I respect your privacy as you respect mine so I haven't gone to try and find it. I thought it would be much more polite to ask here, but maybe I don't want to start playing?

Playing reminds me of my mum and times that weren't great for me, but perhaps starting again, I could condition myself to stop those times from haunting me again.

I'm getting hungry as I write. Riding takes a lot out of me, though I absolutely love it. Micheal taught me to ride, we used to do it when we were teens all the time. Bella got a truck and I got a motorcycle but the one I have now is one I helped rebuild and custom things added.

I won't let you read this until after I've eaten something. I know I need to eat.

)()()()()()(

Erika had the kitchen prepare lunch for Bella and herself, taking the meal in one of the gardens since it was a nice day.

Bella started to list off things she wanted for her wedding, but she knew Alice would take over. It would be easier to just let Alice do everything, but Bella promised to keep Erika updated. Erika just said she didn't have to as long as she was told when the wedding was going to be and she was allowed to help Bella get ready for it.

She wasn't jealous that Bella was going to get married before her, she was happier that Bella found the one so soon. She just hoped she could say the same for herself soon enough.

)()()()()()(