Past and Present Lives
Chapter 7-Present Life
About the time Mike's family's remains were found, Mike was stationed at Mayport. He had had the remains brought to Mayport, had a memorial service and had them buried. He had picked a really nice headstone for each of them, as well as Lucas. It was the right thing to do and Mike loved the Mayport area. He knew he would be making his home there.
He knew that things were becoming more serious with Maddie despite still feeling a lot of guilt where Christine was concerned. One day, while Maddie was home, still exploring his options, Mike bought flowers for the graves and drove to the cemetery. The girls' headstones were smaller, but Mike had gone all out on Christine's. He had picked a black granite. On one side, there were a few words of one of Christine's favorite poems. On the other side, 'Beloved Wife and Mother' as well as Christine's name, birth date and presumed year of death was etched.
The 'Beloved Wife' always bothered Mike. Not because he didn't love Christine, but because he hadn't honored his vows while she was alive. She had certainly honored hers. Even when it was painful. Even when she didn't like Mike very much, she still loved him. Mike arranged the flowers in the vases, thinking about the last time he had bought Christine flowers when she was alive…when Lucas was born. Now, he bought flowers for her grave every month.
Christine would have liked Maddie. And she would have wanted Mike to be happy. As he got back in the truck to drive home to Maddie. As badly as he had hurt Christine, it didn't seem right to grieve for her. He had broken her heart. Grief was the last act of love. In cheating, he proved that maybe he hadn't actually loved her. Of course, he had and still did. He pulled into his driveway and walked inside where Maddie was making cookies.
"I thought chocolate chip cookies sounded good." Maddie remarked before giving him a kiss.
"They do." Mike answered.
"And I got chicken out. I thought you might grill it?" Maddie suggested.
"Sounds good." Mike answered. The timer went off and Maddie pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven.
"Last pan." Maddie replied. Mike snuck a cookie that was cooling as he watched Maddie put the still hot cookies on the cooling rack.
"What should we do with the rest of the afternoon?" Mike remarked.
"I guess we could find a movie or something." Maddie said.
"Or this?" Mike suggested as he stood behind her and kissed the back of her neck. He turned her around and gave her a long kiss.
"Please?" Maddie asked. Mike nodded. "I really should clean this up…" Maddie continued as Mike began kissing down her neck.
"It can wait." Mike answered before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards her bedroom, where they slept most nights. As soon as they got to the room, clothes began hitting the floor and Mike laid Maddie on the bed as gently as possible. He kissed her, just before she pulled him onto the bed and flipped him over to where he was laying on his back. She straddled him and smiled as she sunk down.
"Never thought flour on my shirt could be sexy." Maddie remarked.
"It is." Mike answered after a moan. They switched positions and as it continued, Maddie pulled Mike close.
"I…love…you." Maddie said. It surprised Mike, but didn't totally shock him. He just didn't know how to respond.
Several hours later, Maddie was curled up next to him and smiled up at him. It had been particularly vigorous and Mike kissed her forehead. He pulled her close and smiled at how she put her head on his chest. He loved feeling her next to him.
"That was amazing." Mike remarked.
"It was. I really should get up and clean the kitchen." Maddie said.
"We will. Just rest for a moment. That was like a work out session." Mike replied.
"I liked it better than working out. I hate going to the gym. This…I don't mind." Maddie remarked as she kissed his chest.
"Good. I do too." Mike answered.
"Shower?" Maddie suggested and Mike nodded. "Together?" Maddie asked and Mike nodded again. He got up and followed Maddie into her bathroom. After showering together, Mike smiled as Maddie brushed her hair out.
"I love when your hair is down like this." Mike said.
"I don't wear it down because of the Navy, but I suppose I should start." Maddie remarked.
"Yes." Mike answered.
"Mike—when I said that I loved you…did it bother you?" Maddie asked.
"Yes and no. I…didn't mind hearing it. I'm just not sure if I'm there yet." Mike answered.
"Because of Christine?" Maddie asked.
"Yes." Mike answered.
"Mike, you said yourself that Christine would have wanted you to move forward because she loved you. I understand you feel you don't deserve to because of what happened to her, but she obviously loved you deeply. Maybe, you need to forgive yourself for whatever happened." Maddie said.
"Its pretty unforgivable." Mike replied.
"Did you beat on her? Rape her?" Maddie asked.
"Neither. She had a miscarriage at five months. She was attached to the baby. I didn't want another one at that point and didn't support her the way I should have. Before I left for the Arctic, I cheated. It was a one-night-stand. Christine knew. She still slept next to me, hugged me, kissed me, got me ready to go, made sure I had time with the kids. But she knew the entire time." Mike explained as they walked back into Maddie's bedroom.
"You made a mistake." Maddie replied as she got dressed while Mike stripped the bed.
"A whole series of them." Mike added.
"Mike—how long had you and she been married?" Maddie asked.
"Nineteen years." Mike said.
"And it was the only time you ever cheated?" Maddie continued.
"Yes. I wasn't…attracted anymore and Christine had some trauma due to the miscarriage. I wasn't willing to wait apparently." Mike replied.
"I would say you and Christine were just experiencing…what a lot of couples do." Maddie remarked.
"Doesn't make it any easier. Christine didn't deserve what happened to her. While I was gone today, I took flowers to her grave. I do it the 10th of every month. I realized today, the last time I had bought her flowers when she was alive was when our older son was born. She loved flowers. He was seven years old when he died." Mike explained.
"Can I ask, why on the 10th?" Maddie asked.
"Our wedding anniversary was June 10th, which is hilarious because I didn't remember our anniversary in those later years." Mike remarked.
"Mike—it sounds to me like you loved…still love Christine very deeply. She had a profound effect on you. Right now, when you remember her; you think of all your wrongs. Someday, hopefully soon, you will remember her and smile. Grief is the last gift of love. As busy as your last few years has been, I would say you've not taken the time to grieve for her. Maybe you have for your kids. Maybe that grief eclipsed your grief for Christine? But…I think it might be time." Maddie said. She gave him another kiss before leaving the room.
Mike knew she was right. He did care deeply for Maddie. He could see a future happening. Maybe even a kid or two. They were certainly not doing anything to prevent a pregnancy. Weird how, he wouldn't mind a baby at all, but when Christine told him she was pregnant with Elijah, he fought it tooth and nail. Funny how things changed.