Past and Present Lives
Chapter 11-Present Life
Mike loved his weekends with Maddie most and one Sunday afternoon, he smiled at the way she was pouring over design magazines. She was wearing leggings and one of his sweatshirts and her hair was up in a loose bun. It was one of his favorite looks on her.
"Finding anything of interest?" Mike asked.
"Just studying different styles." Maddie said.
"Interesting. Anyone you like better than the others?" Mike asked.
"If I was decorating for myself, probably the farmhouse look." Maddie remarked.
"Judging by the southern accent, you know about a farmhouse." Mike replied.
"I grew up in Laurel, Mississippi. I was a town kid but it was a farming community so yeah. Its just comfortable to me." Maddie said.
"You don't talk much about your life before the Navy." Mike remarked.
"There isn't a lot to talk about. It wasn't the greatest childhood and I got out as soon as I could." Maddie answered.
"Ever wanted to go back? Do you still have family there?" Mike asked.
"No family there and no I don't give it a lot of thought. I grew up in foster care and so I learned to make my home anywhere." Maddie explained.
"Oh." Mike said, not knowing what else to say.
"Look, Mike; I respect that you had a happy family life, for the most part. Its not something I've ever had." Maddie said.
"Would you like to?" Mike asked, then realized how it sounded…like a proposal of sorts. Maddie quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Sure I would but I haven't had many proposals." Maddie remarked. Mike thought about backtracking but he really didn't want to.
"Maddie…I…I swore I couldn't feel anything again after hurting Christine the way I did and then losing her, but…I'm…I think I'm falling in love with you too." Mike said, feeling like a total fool. Maddie could reject him. Instead…she put the magazine down, moved closer and gave him a long kiss.
"I love you too. And Mike, Christine would have wanted you to be happy again. She loved you, very much, yes?" Maddie asked.
"Yes, far more than I deserved." Mike said.
"She would wish for your happiness. If she was the woman you describe; forgiving, understanding, loving…she would not want the husband she loved that much to eat himself up because of a one-time lapse in judgement." Maddie said.
"She had all those characteristics." Mike agreed.
"Mike, you are simply going to have to forgive yourself. Christine loved you in spite of your wrongs. And all marriages go through growing pains. It sounds like that was where you and Christine were. You had a painful experience with losing that baby boy. Maybe you didn't react to the pregnancy as you should have but it still affected you. You didn't just lose three children, you lost four, and one of those was one you never had the opportunity to know and love. I don't know if that makes it any easier or not." Maddie said.
"I've never given it much thought." Mike admitted.
"I bet you have. Mike, grief doesn't make you seem weak or unmanly…or whatever. One of the reasons so many people respect you is because despite losing your entire family, you carried on. Now, its time to move on. You've carried on, and now you can move on…if you can get past all this immense guilt." Maddie said as she brushed at his hair with her fingers. Instead of saying anything, he pulled her closer and hung on. He loved having her close.
The next morning, although it wasn't the tenth, he found himself going to the florists and buying flowers, despite and driving to Christine's grave. It was also Katie and Hannah's and while Mike would always grieve for them, the focus of his grief had been Christine lately. Once there, he brushed some grass away and stared at the stone. Thankfully, he was alone in the cemetery and he focused on her name and date of birth and year of death. Thirty-seven years. That was all Christine had had. But, she had loved a lot in that thirty-seven years.
"Maybe I should get a stone here for Elijah? Put it next to you? I won't move him, but I bet you'd like to have that symbolism? Christine…I am sorry. I am sorry I made you feel like you were less important than my career. I am sorry for how I treated you. I am sorry for sleeping with that other woman. I love you and it took losing you to realize just how much. But, now; I have found someone I can see moving on with. Maybe having a kid or two. She says I need to somehow get past this guilt. I just don't know how to do that." Mike said. He knew it was crazy to talk to a headstone.