Chapter 5 - Adjusted
Ahsoka knows she's supposed to be focusing on her classes but she hasn't been able to focus on anything since Plo took Anakin. She has no idea what's happening to him and she can't sneak away from class long enough to get to the Room of One Thousand Fountains to see if he's there. She won't be able to do that for a couple more days now because of their training regiment, even if it's driving her crazy.
The masters and none of the other students get what her issue is at all.
She doesn't either because she probably should care more about the fact that he's a Sith than she does but she kind of just doesn't.
So the last thing Ahsoka's expecting is to find him in the... Archives? He's sitting at a computer, reading something about ships but perks up the moment he sees her.
"Ahsoka?"
"Anakin!" she practically squeals, breaking away from her group, running over to him. "What happened? What're you doing here?"
"Learning," he tells her cheerily, swinging around in his seat to face her, "The Jedi said I could."
Seriously? "Really? I thought they'd um – "
"What?"
"Lock you up or something?" she admits sheepishly. She'd been so worried about that and it didn't seem fair, especially after how much it hurt him to be chained before.
"Me too," Anakin admits, "But it didn't go too badly."
"I'm sorry I made this happen," she tells him, because it really feels like she owes him that.
He touches her shoulder, the gesture surprisingly gentle. She doesn't know why she gets the ridiculous impulse to hug him – well, she has countless times before but it's somehow different when he's a human. But she has an audience so she's not going to right now. "It's alright," he promises, "I think maybe... things will be better like this."
"Ahsoka!" her teacher calls and she deflates.
"I'll be back!" she calls over her shoulder, lingering a moment longer before she runs to catch up with the rest of her class.
Except her teacher is still standing in the back of the group, frowning down at her.
"Master?" she asks uncertainly, looking up at her.
"I understand you've been friendly with him during the time you thought he was a wolf, but we know now that he's a person and he's a Sith. You need to be careful around him. You can't let your judgment be clouded."
"But he doesn't seem to want to hurt anyone – "
"This is what I mean," her teacher replies firmly. "You need to be careful. Limiting your contact with him would be best."
What?
She can't do that!
He's her friend and she's like the only person he's even comfortable around. "But isn't trying to help him the Jedi way?"
"Perhaps but that's not a role for younglings when his influence could easily corrupt you. And he's a Sith and he may seem innocent but that doesn't mean he is. Once they start down the Dark path, forever it will dominate their destiny. They cannot be saved. You know that."
Ahsoka bites her lip, throwing a brief glance back at Anakin. He's staring pointedly back at his screen again but from how stiffly he's sitting, she's pretty sure he's hearing everything they're saying.
She just nods dutifully because she doesn't know what else to say. It's not respectful to argue with them because they know what they're doing but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it doesn't feel fair. Maybe things will change eventually when everyone realizes they can trust Anakin. At least, Ahsoka can hope.
But she can't shake the feeling that the masters aren't going to let her spend as much time around him anymore and she doesn't know what to do about it.
**w**
It takes time but Anakin's slowly adjusting to his new life at the Temple. It's been a couple months now and things here are strange but it's better than it was with Sidious. Even if he feels so restless sometimes because he wants to do something with himself. It feels like he's just passing his time and waiting for... nothing, really.
Hanging out with the younglings in his wolf form is fun, at least. Even if the Jedi have become a lot stickier about letting him spend time around them. Anakin doesn't think it's at all coincidental that Obi-Wan's often keeping him away from the Room of One Thousand Fountains and he's kind of upset by it, even if he knows he's only doing as he's told. Not that he minds spending time with him too. He's grown to like it more and more over time. It's – it's nice to be around an adult who he actually... kind of trusts. Maybe more than he should but...
He wants someone to take care of him sometimes, to hold him, to... be there when he needs it.
He can't say Obi-Wan exactly does all of that but it's still something.
He misses Ahsoka, though. She hasn't been running into him nearly as much anymore. The masters don't like it and it's made her... kind of withdrawn. And it scares him and he hates it. It feels like he's losing her even though she's still alive. He doesn't want that to happen. She's – she's his...
Sister?
Well maybe it's a stretch to say that but it's really the first thing that comes to mind who he can use to describe how he feels about her. And he doesn't want to lose that. He doesn't think Ahsoka does either, but it feels like she's getting more adjusted to the new schedule of them hardly seeing each other even if she's not happy about it.
But there are times that... not everyone is friendly.
He's trotting down the hallway in his wolf form when he hears footsteps behind him. He would've ignored it like he always does but he can smell their ire. He pauses, looking back to see a group of older padawans who are all heading straight towards him. The younger ones and initiates all adore him. The other Jedi, not so much. Not all of them at least.
"I still can't believe the Council's letting you stay here," one of them says, circling around to stand in front of him. They're standing around him so he can't run – without shoving one of them. He's cornered against the wall.
Anakin's eyes narrow and he growls lowly at them.
Not like he has say in what the Jedi Council decided to do.
"You think it can even understand you as a wolf?" one of the others asks.
"It doesn't look stupid."
"He has to be awfully stupid for being a Sith in the first place," one of them points out and the others snort.
As if that was his choice? As if he didn't spend every moment of it wanting to run away, but knowing he had nowhere to go?
Anakin finally just moves forwards, brushing far more closely than he's comfortable with past one of the padawans in an effort to get past them – he could revert to his human form to just walk out more easily but he doesn't want to do in front of viewers.
"Hey" the padawan snaps, shoving him. before he can get past.
He shoves back.
Because seriously, that was rude and he's not going to let them push him around.
The padawan stomps on his paw.
Actually stomps on it. Pain expodes through it, sharp and burning and the pained half growl that escapes him probably would have been a scream in human form. Anakin jumps him without thinking, sinking his teeth into the padawan's leg.
Didn't intend for it to be deep exactly, just to –
"Anakin!"
He jerks at the sound of Obi-Wan's voice, scrambling off the padawan to see the Knight standing there glowering at him.
He –
What –
What just happened wasn't his fault. Except the part where he just bit one of the people keeping him prisoner and there's no way that's allowed and –
He shrinks in on himself instinctively, backing off a few steps. Of course the Jedi would blame him for this even when it wasn't his fault in the first place because he's just a Sith.
"He started it," one of the other padawans accuses.
"He bit me," whines the other, as though that weren't perfectly obvious to everyone.
Anakin's half a mind to hiss at them anyway but he –
Obi-Wan's mad at him. And that's bad. It's always bad when the masters get angry and – and – He hasn't treated him like he's one of the masters until now but it feels like that's half-way changing.
"I'm quite aware," Obi-Wan replies curtly, "Deal with your... injuries. Anakin, come with me."
He doesn't even need wolf ears to hear one of the others snickering as he very reluctantly trots after Obi-Wan. He's never been angry at him before. To be fair, Anakin's never actually crossed one of the masters but it hurts unreasonably that he's upset at him for what happened. Cuts sharply to his core because he thought he'd be safe from – from that kind of thing now that he's away from Sidious.
But most of all he's just scared of – of what's about to happen. He knew what crossing lines meant for Sidious. Doesn't know that it doesn't mean the exact same thing with the Jedi. They never did bother to explain their rules. That it's Obi-Wan who's maybe about to hurt him – he did already yell at him – is what hurts far worse, though.
"I thought it was perfectly clear that attacking other Jedi here was not allowed. And certainly not biting them," he says sharply, looking down at him, "Do you really want to discuss this when you're... in that form?"
Anakin slinks off a few steps, reaching for the sparking energy within him to transform. He'd actually rather stay as a wolf because punishments are usually easier to handle but it doesn't sound like he's getting much choice.
He stumbles a little unsteadily as he transforms – his hand is stinging sharply. Hurts a lot worse as a person. It's swelling badly already. He doesn't think anything is broken but moving it hurts like nothing else.
He also kind of wishes he'd stayed as a wolf because it wasn't half as obvious how badly he just wants to cry. And scream.
The Jedi aren't where he belongs. Nowhere is. He doesn't have a place anywhere. Never has. Probably never will. He just wants to be with his family but – but –
Does he truly have anyone he can call that?
**w**
Obi-Wan didn't expect that he'd have to deal with Anakin fighting with the other Jedi. It's been several months without incident so he was totally caught off-guard when he'd walked around that corner to see him biting someone. It ... did seem pretty out of character with how Anakin usually acts but he's a Sith and Obi-Wan doesn't know him that well even if they've spent a lot of time around each other recently.
He's half expecting Anakin to start arguing but he's not saying anything. He just looks downright miserable, actually.
...Why is his hand black and blue?
"What happened to your hand?" Obi-Wan asks, frowning.
"They stepped on it," Anakin mutters. From the way he's flexing his fingers, he doesn't think they're broken but it's a close thing.
Wait –
What?
"They stepped on you?"
He shrugs a shoulder, not answering.
Obi-Wan isn't quite sure if whatever happened was accidental or intentional but now that he's had a moment to think about it, he has no idea why Anakin bit that student, not that it makes it okay. "What happened?"
"I don't know what they wanted," he mutters sullenly, voice wavering a little. "They said I didn't – belong here. I tried to leave but they... wouldn't let me. I know I overreacted. I'm sorry."
He just... apologized?
That was genuinely not what he expected at all.
He hasn't heard of the other padawans bullying him for being a Sith but he's not overly surprised. He knows the padawans do that sometimes and they don't know Anakin enough to know that he's not like other Sith. "Is that when they... stepped on you? And then you bit him?"
Anakin nods.
"How they were treating you wasn't right either. I didn't realize. Just don't... bite anyone again."
Anakin nods half mindlessly again, not looking up.
He sighs.
The boy is fifteen. And he's not a Jedi. The reaction was understandable, he has to admit. "Come," Obi-Wan says finally, approaching him but pauses when Anakin flinches back from him.
What...
"Are you alright?"
On second thought, that sounded stupid. His hand is black and blue and he looks like he's about to cry. Obviously he's not alright.
"What – Where're you taking me?" he asks, voice wavering.
"...To get your hand treated. It doesn't look pleasant."
Anakin blinks, expression something of total confusion. "...oh."
"What else did you think?"
He looks away, saying nothing.
And it just leaves Obi-Wan desperately wondering the answer to his question but it's too odd now to ask again. He waits to bring anything else up until he's made it to the healer's wing and borrows some bacta to put on Anakin's hand. The swelling is a lot worse than he thought. He doesn't think anything's broken, but...
He's definitely very unimpressed with these padawans. He's going to be having a talk with their masters if he can figure out who they are.
Anakin still hasn't said a word. Or even brightened up in the slightest.
Obi-Wan's still lingering next to him, trying to think of something to say when Anakin half looks up at him, something vulnerable in his gaze. "Am I – still in trouble?" he asks.
Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. "No. You were never in trouble. It's just a given that you don't go around biting people. But what the padawans did to you isn't right either. That's not the Jedi way. Jedi don't... hurt their prisoners."
Anakin's expression shadows. It doesn't look like he believes him. "Is that all I am?"
"...What?"
He kicks at the floor. "Nothing."
Excuse him but it's definitely something. "What's wrong?" Obi-Wan asks, maybe a little frustrated. He wants to try helping, but he doesn't... really know how. He's never been good with people on a personal level. It just hurts to see Anakin so upset. He didn't realize how strong the affection buried inside of him was until right now. And they've never really had a conflict before until now so it's far from easy to deal with.
"It's not important. You would not... understand."
Anakin seems distinctly hesitant about replying. It's a few very long moments before he finally does. "I know you're only here to watch over me. But I – I thought sometimes it was more than that. But it's not important." He flexes his hand a little, standing. "Thank you for... helping me. Can I go?"
"Wait," Obi-Wan requests, mind whirling at the – what he's saying. Because he knows what he's saying. Anakin... cares about him. He knew that but it's different to hear. Probably shouldn't mean this much to him because this is a Sith who could be dangerous but he plainly can't see Anakin as a danger anymore, not after how long he's known him. For a wild moment, he almost wishes he could... teach him something maybe. He always wondered what it be like to have a padawan but he never really felt comfortable taking one. But when he thinks of how he feels about Anakin, he thinks it would be something a little like this.
Anakin looks up at him, expression vulnerable.
But he really has no idea how to talk about this. "I do... care, Anakin," he tells him, "I think you could be more than Sith if that's what you want."
His expression does something complicated, some mix of surprised and confused. "You do?"
"I can see that you're still light. If you wanted to do more, I... think you could." Even if the Dark Side will probably always affect him.
"I want to help. That's all I've ever wanted. But... how can I if I have to stay here?" His gaze darts away. "And I – I don't want a master again."
The last bit comes out a whisper and it suddenly hits him that – Well, he knows Sidious must've treated Anakin awfully from what he's seen and now he's suddenly wondering if that's why he's being so jumpy about this entire episode. And it makes him feel kind of bad for how he handled it. Even if he doesn't have a clue how to approach that. "I could ask the Council if they'd be willing to let you go on missions with me. I don't know if they'd agree but it's worth asking... if this is really what you want."
Anakin's eyes widen. "I – they won't be upset?"
"They may be cautious. They wouldn't be angry with you for asking."
The wary look in his eyes says enough about how he's been feeling about this whole thing.
"When I broke up your... fight, I didn't realize the padawans had hurt you," he adds, even if makes him uncomfortable, "If any of this reminded you of how your master treated you, that... was unintentional."
He sort of squirms, not really replying.
Obi-Wan reaches out, awkwardly touching his shoulder.
He doesn't instantly relax but he doesn't seem like he's expecting to be hit or something either. There's something in his gaze that seems to ease up a little. "I – I want to think about it first," Anakin requests.
"Very well," Obi-Wan concedes, ignoring that he's actually disappointed that Anakin didn't agree right off.
Well... if he's going to be working with him even more in the future, he'll have to get used to how to approach him when he's so different from the Jedi. And apparently a bit more... sensitive to things too.
**w**
Ahsoka showed Anakin once how the Jedi meditate, mostly as a joke. Anakin was never serious about trying to do it that way but now he's curled up in his wolf form in the Room of One Thousand Fountains, resting his head on his paws, trying to do just that. Mostly it's just a... fading back and forth between both the Jedi and the Sith way as he tries to find some kind of answer.
He can't get his mind off the incident with the padawans or the offer he got at the end.
He had expected Obi-Wan to treat him just like Sidious and the fact that he didn't means a lot. The fact that he also yelled at him isn't something he can get out of his head either, though. It's just... hard to trust adults and he does trust him and he kind of thinks adults don't get any nicer than this and he – he cares about him a lot but it still hurts.
He sort of apologized though. That means... something. Sort of. Sidious certainly never did, for anything.
But now for the question of if he should really go through with what the offer.
Maybe it would mean the Jedi would trust him more and he could spend more time around Ahsoka. He misses her. It feels like he's seeing her less and less and he doesn't want to lose her.
And having nothing to do expect what he chooses is... fun. He's never had that before ever. But he's also starting to grow a little restless after months of it and he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life trapped here.
But if he agreed, that would mean – It means that he'd be betraying the way of the Sith. He might not believe in everything Sidious told him but he definitely doesn't agree with the Jedi. Helping them doesn't automatically mean becoming one of them but it still feels like betrayal and he doesn't do that.
And it means that he'll have to face that his master is out there and that he can get to him again. Far more easily than if Anakin never leaves the Temple again and he can't face that. He can't.
The sound of rustling grass suddenly catches his attention.
"Anakin?" a childish voice asks.
His eyes blink open to see Mill sitting in the grass next to him. He reaches out, touching her mind. "Mill? What're you doing here?"
"You're sad," she says, studying him.
He sighs, tail drooping. "I need to make a decision, but I don't know what to... do."
"What?"
She's five. She probably can't help but she's probably also the easiest person to talk to. "I want to help people but if I leave the Temple, my master will get to me. But it's... selfish of me not to."
How can her eyes look so piercing when she's so young?
"We all scared of stuff," she replies importantly, "We s'possed to face it to be good Jedi. We agree we scared and do it still."
That's what he should do. He knows that but when he's filled with the gut-wrenching terror that he's felt every moment in his master's presence, it's a lot harder to decide. But – he wants to help and the Force will protect him. He... still believes in the Force. He always has. Maybe that's really what Mill means.
Unasked for, the tale of the sun dragon his mother always used to tell him when putting him to sleep at night comes to mind. That the sun dragon was strong enough to protect everyone it loved and "you are the sun dragon" she would tell him.
Maybe it's time he tries to be.
Tries to stop being nothing more than the Sith dog he's been for so many years.
"I'm not a Jedi like you," Anakin tells her softly, "Working with the Jedi is supposed to be against everything I've been taught."
Mill's face scrunches a little and she reaches forwards, lightly running her fingers across the fur on his face. "If you wanna help, is anything more important?"
That's... fair.
That's what he's always thought to, but it's been drilled into his head so many times.
"Thank you, little one," he tells her, nuzzling against her shoulder.
"I not little," Mill reminds, "I getting big now."
Anakin laughs. "Yes, you are."
She starts giggling too because apparently his laughing even as a wolf is contagious. At least he feels freer now than he has in a long time. He doesn't know if he'll ever truly know what freedom means but this is something.
He'll ask if there's more he can do in the morning and maybe the Jedi will agree.
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