Diana's lips twitched as they sat down at a booth and her eyes ran across his Grande sized mocha labeled 'Alex the Pretty Damn Good'.
Xander took a bite of his big cookie and smiled, washing it down with a sip of his drink. "Okay, I believe I owe you a story," he said cheerfully.
"One worthy of the big cookie," she teased.
"One worthy of the big cookie," he agreed, holding it up like a prize for a moment. "Alright, there is probably a dozen stories connected to the one I'm telling you, so it'll probably have a lot of detours."
"Not a simple story?"
"Very little in my life has ever been simple," he replied. "I was dating the head cheerleader, Cordelia Chase, Queen of the school. How that came about when I was the poor kid from the wrong side of the economic and social curve of my hometown as well as being the Treasurer of the 'We Hate Cordelia Club' involves the death of a Tarakan Assassin, a kid trying to make a Bride alla Frankenstein for his resurrected brother, and the dusting of quite a few vampires."
"All of those sound worthy of a story on their own," Diana said, a bit of surprise leaking into her voice.
"Or at least a half hour television show," Xander agreed. "Neither of our friend groups approved of us dating, but while I was willing to ignore my friends' opinions, she was not, so right in the middle of the Valentine's Day dance, when I had just given her a silver necklace I had worked my ass off to buy, she decided to dump me."
"What?" Diana asked in disbelief.
"I know," Xander said. "We were dancing at the time and then bam, right out of left field she springs that on me. Naturally I was beyond pissed so once I had... Well, not calmed down, because I only got more pissed after thinking about it. Anyway, I blackmailed a witch, who owed me one for helping her regain her body and vaporizing her mom, to help me with a revenge plan."
Diana winced. "That has bad idea written all over it."
"Yes, bad idea, only an idiot would do this, have you considered just torching her car," Xander replied, "but like I said, I was beyond pissed and very hurt for that matter."
"Normally I wouldn't condone arson, but that would have been a much better idea than blackmailing a witch to use magic as a tool for vengeance," Diana said bluntly.
"Oh, but it gets worse," Xander said.
"Hera, help me," she said, shaking her head. "How does it get worse?"
"I wanted her to cast a love spell on Cordelia so she'd chase after me, no pun intended, so I could dump her and let her know how it felt," Xander explained.
"That is worse," Diana agreed, stunned by the sheer stupidity of the idea.
"I know," Xander said, "but I was clearly not firing on all cylinders since I was attempting something you'd normally see fairy tales written about how bad an idea it was."
"Well at least you admit it," she said, before taking a sip of her drink.
"Amy cast the spell, but instead of Cordelia falling for me, every single female in town fell for me except Cordelia," Xander said. "And we're talking obsessive love, the kind where you kill the person so no one else can have them."
"How did you survive?" Diana asked, fascinated by the train wreck that he was describing.
"A lot of running, Cordelia's help after I rescued her from her friends who wanted to kill her for how she treated me, and the spell being broken by someone who convinced Amy she could have me to herself if all the other girls stopped chasing me," Xander explained.
"That covers Aphrodite being angry with you and possibly Hecate," Diana said thoughtfully, "so who's the third?"
"Amy called on Artemis for the spell," Xander said with a shrug. "Hecate is a maybe considering how many times spells have gone wrong around me but I figure Aphrodite and Artemis are pretty much a lock."
"Well... while I would not suggest calling on them... I think the spell was them giving you your just desserts," Diana suggested.
"I hope you're right and I avoid calling on any supernatural beings. Thankfully Enochian runes don't seem to require any of that, so that's what I'm studying now."
"Probably a wise choice," she decided. "I've never had a relationship crash and burn like that, though I have had a few that ended badly," Diana offered.
"That's not where we crashed and burned," Xander said. "No, Cordelia decided that if I was hurt enough to go to that extent then screw her friends, I was the guy for her."
"That's... Huh, I can actually see the sense in that," she decided with a frown.
"We crashed and burned when some mojo made me and my best friend make out whenever we were alone," Xander said. "That story involves kidnapping, torture, and apparently me telling a Master Vampire all the ways I was going to cuck him while delirious from said torture. Knowing Spike, he probably recorded it somewhere. I'll have to see if I can get a copy."
"Your stories have stories," she said with a smile that was a firm contender for lights-up-a-room with Cordelia's best. "As dates go, this has been one of my better ones," she admitted.
"If you want to hear more stories, you'll have to ask me out again," Xander said, "and since you bought me the big cookie you're guaranteed a yes."
Diana giggled. "I've heard the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach... That or between the fourth and fifth rib."
Xander grinned. He'd guessed she was in the same line of work he was. "Maybe you'll tell me stories about your first boyfriend next time."
"I'd love to... but reality got ripped apart and it doesn't like me discussing it in the open," she said apologetically.
"Ouch," Xander said with a wince. "Sorry to bring up painful memories."
Diana shook her head. "It's not painful exactly, he went from Steve to... different Steve, both great guy...s? I just can't talk about it outside of heavily warded areas."
"Remind me to tell you the time Cordelia broke the timeline and almost released Hell on Earth," he said before finishing his drink.
"I'll do that," she agreed.
"This has been fun, but I need to find someone to look over my shield and escape before Wonder Woman shows up," Xander said.
"I doubt she'll have a problem with you," Diana said, hiding her grin behind her cup.
"True, but why take chances," he replied with a shrug. "I'll hold off meeting her until I've made some apology sacrifices to the Greek Gods, just to be on the safe side."
Diana giggled, genuinely amused at both the situation and Alexander who was playing things up to make her smile. "My Uncle Hef has a stand set up and he specializes in crafting weapons and shields. I'm sure he'll be able to help you so you can escape the fearsome Wonder Woman."
"My hero," Xander said melodramatically, getting a laugh from her that made him grin.
"Follow me," she said and led him out into the rows filled with festival goers and stalls of various metal works.
Xander followed her to a massive canvas tent where he was introduced to a bald redhead with massive arms and a cheerful grin.
"Uncle Hef, meet Alexander the Pretty Good," she said. "He has a shield that needs some work done, probably the removal of teeth imprints."
"Got chewed on by a dragon?" Hef guessed.
"No, I used it to do some dental work on rich douchebags who were trying to sacrifice a girl I know to a snake demon... who I also know," Xander replied, taking off his shield and passing it to him.
"Sounds like an interesting tale," Hef said as he examined the shield.
"He has a lot of those," Diana said, exchanging smiles with him.
"Tell it to me as I work," Hef ordered and waved for Xander to follow him as he limped back to his forge, one of his boots larger than the other, obviously to help him deal with either an injury or deformity.
"Well it started with an eight year old girl who wanted me to move some furniture..."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I've got a hit," Pearl said as she looked up from her laptop with a grin, pausing to take a bite out of her ice cream cone, "he bought a cell phone."
"That will make tracking him a lot easier," Tod said, setting aside the Chinese food he'd been eating.
"He bought it yesterday and just registered it," she noted. "He's... in Oakland."
"Oakland?"
"Oakland," she repeated. "He's at the zoo."
"That's less than an hour away," he said. "We can be there by lunch."
"Or we can call and make an appointment with him rather than just pop up and surprise someone whose response to surprises is probably lethal force," she suggested.
"Or we could do that," he agreed with a shrug. "I doubt we'd have any problems if we approached him in daylight, but you have a point, he'll probably be much more cooperative if we're polite and avoid being confrontational."
"Good, I'll see if he can meet us tomorrow at the Berkeley City Club," she said, pulling out her cell phone.
"Berkeley City Club?" he asked.
"Beautiful hotel and restaurant with an indoor swimming pool and Berkeley has a wingnut museum I want to check out while we're there," she replied.
"Wingnut museum," Tod repeated. "They have a museum dedicated to wingnuts?"
"I know," she said, "it's not something I expected to find, so I'm kinda curious."
"We have time," he agreed, seeing no problem with a small detour before they headed back after they'd interviewed Mr. Harris.
Pearl smiled and dialed Mr. Harris. "Hello... No this is Agent Skyler with the FBI's Meta Cases Division. We watched your lectures and were wondering if you'd mind us interviewing you... Once you registered the phone your name was added to the directory, so I simply looked you up, no spying needed," she assured him. "How does tomorrow after lunch sound? Really? Great. Meet me at the Berkeley City Club. It's a hotel and restaurant. Excellent, see you then, bye."
"Is his name in the directory?" Tod asked.
"Probably, I think they update it every twenty-four hours," she replied.
Tod chuckled and returned to his Chinese food as she finished her ice cream which had begun to melt.
"Double or single?" she asked.
"Buy me dinner first," he replied.
She rolled her eyes. "I paid for lunch."
"We'll still need a double for the expense report," he pointed out.
"Or we can get a single and claim you slept in the car, staking out Mr. Harris," she said.
"Have we used that excuse before?" he asked, surprised.
"Let me check," she said, already typing away on her laptop for the spreadsheet of excuses they'd used for when HR had thought they'd caught them fraternizing. "No, the closest we have is you using cash and staying at a separate hotel on stakeout."
"Single then," he replied.
"Good," she said, typing away on her laptop and then sighing. "They don't have any singles available, the last one was rented just a little while ago."
"Double then, and add 'slept in car on stakeout' for future excuses," he said.
"Done," she said, fingers flying across the keys.
"You'd think HR would get tired of calling us in all the time only to get shut down," he said.
"You'd think so, but their constant attempts to screw with everyone says otherwise," she replied.
"What's the office pool say about how long the latest one will last?"
"Mid November," Pearl replied. "Jackson and Jackson have something planned, but the set-up time is at least ninety days."
"Ninety days?" he asked, obviously talking to himself. "Are they the ones pushing for being stationed in Maryland for the Bixby case stakeout?"
"Yeah," Pearl said slowly.
"They want to pose as a married couple, right?"
"That's what they've pushed for their cover identity, using the fact that they have the same last name as a reason," she replied. "HR is questioning the need for it, even though they aren't supposed to interfere."
"Which is just one of the many reasons we harass them," he replied smugly.
"That and being given carte blanche to cause them ulcers by the higher ups until we get someone in the office with some common sense," she replied, "but don't change the subject, what are the Jacksons planning?"
"Maryland has a ninety-day common law marriage law," he replied.
"Common law... Oh," she said. "I guess that's one way to get around fraternization rules and give HR an ulcer."
"They'd been dancing around the marriage issue for years, at least this will finally put a nail in it," Tod said. "Did we have an office pool on that?"
"Yeah, but it was canceled when it turned out they were planning on placing their own bet," Pearl replied.
"Canceled canceled or we told them it was canceled?" he asked.
"Canceled canceled," she replied. "It'd been running for several years at that point and the pot had reached nearly twenty grand, but since several agents died and the money can't be returned, it's been sitting untouched."
"How about we surprise them with it as a wedding present?" he asked. "It'd pay for a decent honeymoon."
"That would solve the problem of what to do with it," she said. "I'll pass word around and see if everyone agrees, which they probably will."
"If they do, put me down for an additional five hundred," he said.
"On it," she said, typing away. "Done. We'll know by tomorrow what everyone thinks."
"Good, want to head to Berkeley and check-in or catch a movie first?" he asked.
"Let's check-in, there is an Egyptian special on the History Channel I want to catch," Pearl told him.
"The ancient aliens guy?" Tod asked with a grin.
"The very one," she agreed.
"If he had half a brain he'd put in a request with the Justice League, they have Dr. Fate who was actually active at that time and in that area," he pointed out.
"And then the show would be over," she said.
"Good point," he admitted. "So, the hotel has an indoor pool?"
"Olympic size," she said as she closed her laptop and they cleaned up their table.
"Good, I need to get in my daily workout," he said, stropping at the counter to order a Grande coffee to go.
"I swear you love coffee more than me," she teased with a pout.
"Pearl," he said shaking his head, "I love it just as much as you, not an ounce more."
"Aww..." her voice trailed off and she frowned. "I'd say that's not romantic, but I know how much you love coffee."
"Can't live without it," he told her with a smile.
"Sap," she said, smiling broadly.
"Romance is in my blood," he said smugly.
"Along with lethal amounts of caffeine," she added.
"Lethal to other people," he argued.
"No, I'm pretty sure you are a zombie powered by caffeine at this point," Pearl told him, amused.
"I only wander around moaning 'brains' when I don't have my coffee."
"I know, I almost shot you," she reminded him.
"An occupational hazard," he said as he retrieved his coffee with a grin.
"Has anyone shot you when you're like that?" she asked curiously.
"Once or twice," he admitted.
"I can't tell if you're joking," she said as they walked back to their rental car.
"Bullet proof vests exist for a reason," he told her as he slid behind the wheel.
"To protect from coffee zombies? No, to protect coffee zombies," she corrected herself.
"Bingo!"
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel, Mist of Shadows, And Kryin Fireheart
AN: I may be having too much fun with Tod and Pearl.