"Okay Adam, let's go back to my house, and we'll do this."
"You're not gonna put me in the blanket again, are you?" Adam glared up at him, starting to already regret his agreement to this stupid fucking deal. Maybe he didn't need to do this. Maybe this was all a fucking lie and Lucifer was just milking it like the piece if shit he was- Adam's thoughts stopped abruptly as he saw Cain picking up the scattered papers that had been dropped by the fleeing hellions when Adam had attacked them.
Fuck.
He had to do this. He couldn't go apeshit like that again. At least, not somewhere where it could hurt his son. On the off chance that this was true and he had some kind of sickness, he couldn't let it hurt his Cain. He already let Seth and Abel down- by being trapped here.
Abel... poor Abel... Adam didn't even say goodbye to him before he left. He used to spend so much time with him but lately he just... got pushed to the side. And now Adam was here, and he might never see Abel again. Seth hadn't talked to him since the Exterminations were revealed. Abel had tried but Adam and Lute had just... brushed him off.
"No blanket. I didn't bring it. But you need to stay close to me." Lucifer offered his hand to Adam to help him up, but he smacked it to the side, wincing as he put his hand to the ground to push himself back onto his feet.
"Whatever." Adam crossed his arms over his chest. He felt... confused, uncertain and he hated it. He hated how he couldn't just talk to Cain, convince him that he did this for him, that Cain was supposed to be safe. He walked toward Cain who was still cleaning up. "Cain I-"
"Don't talk to me. You've done enough today, don't you think," Cain didn't even turn to look at him. He just kept cleaning. Adam moved to try and help pick something up, but Cain grabbed his hand to stop him. "Can you just leave me alone? I have so much fucking work to do because of this whole fiasco that I'm already gonna be working late. So, thanks a lot, dad."
"Come on," Lucifer gestured for Adam to come back to his side. "We should get out of here so Cain can get back to work."
"O... okay." Adam wanted to refuse, to shout or make some kind of scene. But... one look at Cain and he just closed his mouth. "Let's get out of here." Usually, he would leave with two middle fingers up in the air and a crude comment; but he didn't really feel like insulting a building on which his son had clearly worked very hard. So rather than shouting and slamming the door he gave a quiet: "Bye, Cain, I'll see you later."
"Hopefully not," he heard Cain sigh under his breath. That stung.
"At least no one got hurt." Lucifer opened the door and Adam shoved past him, the streets feeling less sweltering than he remembered. He still felt a chill that seeped through his skin down to his core. So, despite the heat, he shivered. "We can make the deal at the mansion."
"I don't care." Adam hugged himself for warmth. He hated the way Lucifer's voice sounded. He missed the bitterness and vitriol from earlier. Even the smug song was better than this... almost gentle fucking pity. Adam was the first man, the basis for humanity. He should be envied not pitied, especially not by the goddamn Devil. "Was that Cain's building?"
"One of them. It's a packaging plant." Lucifer looked briefly behind them. "He's got a few different work buildings, and if you want to be technical, he owns this whole territory." He gestured around them. "Which is why I can be out and about. Cain doesn't like to be spied on. Once we get out of his domain I'm going to change into a bird. You..." He looked Adam up and down, "Tuck your wings in, maybe? You look like a fucking target. Not much we can do about your halo."
"Well, what the fuck did you do with your halos?" Adam didn't appreciate being scrutinized by the entire reason he was in this position. He knew for a fact that Archangels actually had two halos, so theoretically Lucifer should have it twice as hard hiding them.
"They're broken, just like yours is. And I can shape-shift so they're not always visible. You don't have that luxury." Lucifer waved his hand and a similar top hat to the dumb one the Devil liked to wear- except in black- appeared above Adam and dropped on his head. "Problem solved."
"I look stupid." Adam folded his wings in as he was told; but he started to pull at the hat Lucifer had forced upon him.
"You do, but that's not my fault. The hat is, honestly, the most stylish thing about your whole ensemble." Lucifer whacked his hand with the staff to stop Adam from pulling it off. Adam found he greatly preferred this sort of banter and bickering to the sympathetic way Lucifer had been treating him earlier. He didn't need his fucking pity; it was about time the devil remembered that. "Now keep it on, will you?"
"Bitch, I might." He tugged at the hat again and Lucifer smacked his hand with the cane just like before.
"Stop it."
"No." Adam smirked at him. Lucifer glared at him for a moment before vanishing. Adam felt a weight on the top of the hat, shifting as something crawled along it. He reached up to touch the hat again but touched something sharp. "Ow! Sunnovabitch!"
"Ha! Get wrecked." Lucifer peeked under the brim of the hat from his position on the top and Adam found himself face-to-snout with a white porcupine.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Adam glared at the little creature before it returned to the top of the hat.
"I said don't touch it, jackass."
"This is so dumb, can't you just like... teleport us to your house?"
"You wouldn't like that. It is easy for me to do because I'm an angel, but as a human, you wouldn't react well. You'd probably puke everywhere, and I really don't want to burn more of my shit just because you can't keep your lunch down."
"Why do you keep burning it anyway?" Adam was interested enough in why Lucifer seemed to have picked up pyromania to add to his ever-growing collection of crippling mental illnesses.
"Quite frankly, it's because that black gunk inside you is probably fucking toxic and I am not risking this spreading any further than you." The porcupine on his hat replied as-a-matter-of-factly.
"Probably." Adam repeated the word back at him. "You are using a lot of weasel words for a porcupine. Do you not actually know what you're talking about, devil?"
"Right now, I'm just impressed that you know the term: weasel words."
"Hey, shut the fuck up. I know stuff. I'm smart."
"It's nice being in Hell and having the luxury of lying, isn't it?" Lucifer sounded smug, and Adam could guess he had as self-satisfied a smirk as a porcupine could have on his stupid little face.
"Listen here you little shit-"
"We're here." Lucifer hopped off the hat and transformed back into himself before his feet hit the ground. "See? You made it without being attacked. All thanks to my hat." He tapped the top hat with his cane, and it vanished. Thank fucking God. Adam grabbed one of the pieces from his halo, examining it for a moment. It had lost the soft warmth that it usually had. Instead, it felt as cool and lifeless as a stone in his hand. He sighed a bit and put the piece back above him. It floated back into its original place without issue. "You're not thinking about running off again, are you?" Lucifer stopped in the doorway and turned to look back over his shoulder.
"No." He had actually been considering it, but there was no way he was going to admit Lucifer was right. "Just thinking about how dumb you look."
"... right." He went back to opening the door and led Adam back inside. This time he could see even more ducks than he had initially noticed. The fuck was with all the ducks? There were so, so many of them and Adam had yet to figure out their nefarious purpose. Lucifer led Adam back to the workshop. He gestured for Adam to sit on one of the benches, which he did. Lucifer closed the door, it seemed like he was locking it too, before he took a seat across from Adam.
"Why'd you lock the door?" Adam met his gaze, locking eyes.
"Because last time we tried to do this, you freaked out and ran all the way to Cain Organics, which is actually a pretty good distance away. So, I'm annoyed, but also kind of impressed."
"I was uncomfortable with the way things were progressing and chose to remove myself from the situation. It's a Heaven thing called: De-escalation. You wouldn't get it."
"I'm actually very familiar with the concept and- drawing from my immense well of knowledge- I can safely say that De-escalation- while it is a practice taught in Heaven- doesn't typically involve running out of a room in a blind panic while telling someone to, and I quote: Eat Shit."
"It's a newer technique, you probably weren't in Heaven when they taught it. You know, cause you got kicked out."
"So did you."
"That's still up for debate."
"Adam, can we please have a serious conversation? For like... just five minutes? That's all I'm asking." Lucifer put his hands on his knees, sighing heavily. Adam tilted his head to the side.
"What do you call what we were just having?"
"If that's you being serious, I would hate to see what it's like when you're being a sarcastic dickhead."
"It's very similar, I can see your confusion." Adam smirked at him, and Lucifer rolled his eyes. "But I promise you I can be much more sarcastic."
"Are we making a deal, or were you just bullshitting me to get Cain to think you were actually trying to be a better father?"
Adam's smile immediately faded. Low fucking blow. He remembered Cain's expression, the way he had looked at Adam, the fucking fire in his eyes. "Leave Cain out of this."
"If it makes you listen, I'll use his name as much as I Goddamn please." Lucifer's retort just made Adam narrow his eyes. "You lost control back there and tried to attack him, your own son. Doesn't make you feel very good, does it?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"You feel pretty damn shitty, don't you?" Lucifer met his gaze. "That's what it wants... that sickness... it feeds on negativity, enhances all your worst traits. I mean, you were always an insecure little bitch, but this is so much worse than you ever were back in Eden."
"I am not insecure." Adam felt the anger rising inside of him again. He could hear the faintest sound of ringing in his ears.
"But you acknowledge that you're a little bitch. I respect that." Lucifer was smirking, Adam could feel his own upper lip start to curl into a snarl, his fists started to clench, hair standing up on the back of his neck. Lucifer looked him dead in the eyes. That high pitched sound growing louder, burrowing into his brain. It was almost painful, at this point.
"How bad is that ringing in your ears right now?"
"W... what?" The ringing dissipated and Adam's hands unbleached as anger was replaced with confusion and unease. He hadn't mentioned the ringing. Not once. "H- how the fuck-"
"I may not know with one hundred percent certainty what's going on, but that doesn't mean I don't have theories." Lucifer spoke calmly, but Adam found his heart was still racing, his mouth felt dry. "I've seen Corruption before. Admittedly, not for a very, very long time- at least not in an angel but, the point still stands. I know some of the more common symptoms."
"R... right..." Adam didn't know what else to say.
"Have you been experiencing any other strange symptoms- aside from the blacking out and attacking people thing? Any unusual pain? I mean, Falling hurts in and of itself, so it might be nothing, but I gotta ask."
"I um..." It almost was starting to feel more like a doctor's appointment than an interrogation. It felt weird divulging anything to the literal reason for his suffering. But at the same time, on the off chance that this was true, and Adam might actually be sick... "My... mouth... hurts..." It might be worth it to at least hear him out. "And my hands... well- fingers."
"Your mouth, huh? Not shocking." Lucifer reached forward and took Adam's jaw in his hand, forcing his mouth open. "Say: ahhhhh~" Adam tried to pull back, but the devil was strong when he wanted to be.
"Ahhhhh..."
"Stick your tongue out a bit."
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"I need to see something, so stick your tongue out." Lucifer had made the point about the ringing in his ears, so despite how fucking weird it felt, Adam did stick his tongue out. "Ooooo..." Lucifer spoke with the same energy as a kid hearing their classmate get called to the office. "You said something you shouldn't have..." He released Adam's mouth and instead grabbed both his wrists, examining his hands. "You also touched something you shouldn't have. These little markings on your fingertips and tongue... I thought they were just part of your Sinner coloration but oh ho ho was I wrong."
"What are you talking about?" Adam didn't like the tone Lucifer had taken, and the words themselves seemed annoyingly vague. "Touched something... What like my dick?"
"The world doesn't revolve around your fucking penis, Adam. Focus. These," Lucifer pointed to the think lines on his hand, "they're not just markings, those little cracks in your skin... they're burns. Explains the pain, doesn't it?"
"Burns?" Adam repeated in disbelief. "How the fuck would I get burns on my fucking tongue!? I mean, hands? Sure. I'll buy it. Hell's a fucking trash fire, maybe I touched something. But my mouth!? I haven't even eaten since I got here!" His stomach growled a bit as if emphasizing his point.
"Actually, you had about half an apple, but you threw it back up along with everything else when you vomited all over my daughter's nice hotel floor." Lucifer replied with a small shrug. Adam glared at him.
"I don't even like apples."
"Yeah, that was on me. I had to give you something to try and shake you out of that trance you were in. Kinda like what happened to you back at Cain Organics, but that time you were able to come back on your own, without my help. I like to think that's improvement. Though the real improvement would be you not going absolutely batshit and feral in the first place. But baby steps, I guess."
"None of what you just said explains anything about the fucking burns you just diagnosed me with. I'm starting to think you're not even a real doctor." Adam folded his arms, as if attempting to hide his (possibly) burned fingers.
"I never said I was a doctor." Lucifer gave a little shrug. "I just said I have seen this before. If you want a doctor that's Raphael and his line of snippy underlings."
"Then how the fuck do you know my fingers are burned!?"
"Because I know enough. I have seen this shit before, though not for a very... very long time- which I already said." Lucifer sat back in his chair again, leaving Adam alone for the time being.
"Listen none of this fuckery started happening in until I got here! I was fine. Nothing hurt! I wasn't blacking out! And when I attacked people, it was because they were dirty Sinners who deserved it." Adam scoffed. Lucifer raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, there's a lot to unpack in that last sentence, but I'm not qualified for that." He held his hands up as if in forfeit. "So, we're just gonna ignore it for now and instead focus on the fact that you only started feeling shitty once you got to Hell. Shocking, I know." Lucifer didn't sound shocked so much as he did tired. "That's the thing with Heaven, the innate nature of if it makes you feel good. I mean it's Heaven. No pain, no fear, no doubt and that's usually really great...However," he clapped his hands together, "it can also act as a mask when something is wrong. Not intentionally, of course, but all those feel-good vibes can cover up deeper lying issues. It's rare, but it can happen."
"So, you think people just... didn't notice I was bleeding black!?" Adam glared at him from his seat on the opposing bench.
"When was the last time you bled while you were in Heaven?"
"..." Adam had to think about it. Despite the dangerous nature of his job, he didn't really get hurt. Such was the benefit of being all powerful, and all-around beloved. "Okay... you have a point."
"I'm going to make a deal with you, hopefully my magic will be enough to hold this Corruption at bay until I figure out what's going on. I was able to bring you back from the brink with magic before, so this just might be enough- maybe." Lucifer finally got to his feet.
"That's it? Just keep it at bay? Can't you fix it?" (Adam still wasn't sure how much of Lucifer's story he actually believed, but on the off chance he was telling the truth, Adam had to ask.) "Aren't you supposed to be powerful or some shit? Master of corruption?"
"I thought I was just an imitation Archangel." Lucifer threw Adam's own words back at him with a coy smirk.
"Shut the fuck up." Adam glared at him. Lucifer looked bemused by his reaction.
"Look, if we're talking about me: I was really more temptation than corruption. I'm all about choice and free will. But this isn't about me, because this isn't regular corruption, this is Corruption with a capital C. It's not Infernal, it's..." He took a deep breath, looking Adam directly in the eyes. "Adam... it's Eldritch."
"Gesundheit."
"Of course you don't fucking know what that is. Why would you?" He let out a little sigh. "Just know that there is more out there than just Heaven and Hell."
"But you can fix it... right?" Adam finally untucked his arms, putting his hands on his knees, leaning forward a bit.
"I... don't know. It's been a really long time since I've dealt with this, Adam. I can't make promises, I mean... I can and then just lie to you, but I want you to know exactly what to expect when we make this deal. I can't grantee that I can make you better, but I might be able to stop you from getting worse."
"C..." Adam took a deep breath. Whether or not he fully believed Lucifer was irrelevant. He had to ask. "Can I die from this?"
"I mean you're already dead," Lucifer's poorly timed joke was met with a glare from Adam. "But... I don't think dying is the worst-case scenario here. Like I said, Adam, I haven't seen anything like this for a while. But if memory serves... what you become if you give in to this Corruption, won't be living much of an afterlife."
"What I become?" Adam repeated the word. That had been a purposeful choice on Lucifer's part. Adam couldn't shake the feeling that the Devil was lying to him, in a sense. Perhaps not about the Corruption in and of itself, but definitely about the amount Lucifer knew. "The fuck is going to happen to me?"
"If you make a deal with me? Nothing, probably." So many noncommittal words. (With the number of lawyers in Hell it was not shocking that Lucifer knew how to avoid any actual promises.) "But it's gotta be better than the alternative, right?" He offered his hand toward Adam. "So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?"
"What are the exact terms of this deal?" Adam knew from experience to ask follow up questions. He'd fallen for the Devil's trick once and he and his family had spent their whole lives paying for it.
"I will protect you: from the citizens of Hell, from those up in Heaven, from those Outside... and from yourself. In return, you will tell me what you know: everything about what you might have come into contact with that Corrupted you. You can't hold back anything, no matter who you're trying to protect. Does that sound reasonable?" The hand was still held forward.
"I... guess..." Fuck. This was a lot to take in and Adam felt as if he hadn't stopped since the moment he had woken up, strung up like a hostage in the middle of a hotel room with Lucifer- which even with context was still a rather shitty way to start one's morning. (In fact, the context might actually make it worse.)
"Then," Lucifer's hand flourished and an apple appeared in it. "Let's make a deal, shall we?"
"Oh fuck no. I'm not eating an apple. Are you shitting me with this?" He tried to smack it out of Lucifer's hand, but Adam was learning rather quickly that the Devil was much stronger than he appeared.
"It's how I make deals! It's not personal it's just that I have a theme and I gotta stick with it, you know?"
"I'm not eating the fucking apple." Adam repeated.
"It's just one bite. One bite isn't gonna kill you."
"One bite literally damned humanity."
"Not everyone has the same weird apple-beef that you do. One bite. Don't be a pussy." Lucifer leaned forward and began rubbing it against Adam's mouth. "You know, this is actually the second time I've had to do this to you in twenty-four hours, but you were super bitey last time, so I doubt you remember it."
"Listen he-AH" And with that, there was an apple in Adam's mouth. Lucifer got up from his seat across from the newly Fallen Sinner to put an arm around his shoulders, his other hand still holding the apple.
"You already verbally consented to the deal. This just seals it. Or don't bite it and I just get to enjoy this quiet forever."
CHOMP.
Adam chewed the bitter fruit and begrudgingly swallowed. "If this is some kind of fucking trick I will-"
"I know you're in the middle of threatening me right now, and trust me, you are very scary, but," Lucifer handed him a trash bag that he had materialized out of nowhere. "You're probably going to throw up again, so if you don't mind just aiming for the bag, that would be great."
"What ar-" Adam didn't get two words out of his mouth before the nausea hit him like a brick and he started throwing up again. He did use the bag, not so much by choice, as he could feel Lucifer's magic holding his hands on it and bringing it up to his mouth. It seemed he really didn't want him to mess up another floor.
"There you go." Lucifer sounded pleased with himself. The moment Adam was done, the bag went up in flames and Adam remained hunched over, glaring at Lucifer. "Don't you feel better?"
"NO!"
"Yeah, the vomiting is kind of a side effect to our deal. Whatever's inside you didn't like having to share with my magic." Lucifer sounded rather dismissive of the whole thing- which was easy for him because he wasn't the one who was heaving his guts out. "That should be the last time it happens though."
"Awesome. Because that fucking sucks." Adam wasn't exactly in the best of moods. He had more or less just sold his soul in exchange for a bite of his least favorite food and an opportunity to start throwing up. Maybe this was all some kind of trick, but it was a hard call, and when it came to Cain, Adam couldn't risk the off-chance Lucifer was telling the truth.
"It's no treat for me, either Princess." Lucifer retorted. "You think I want to have you around all the time? Because I will be the first to tell you that I would much rather let you run amok and get your ass handed to you in increasingly violent and hilarious ways- but the safety of my people does come first. Regrettably." That seemed like an oddly noble sentiment for the Devil, and that contradicted Adam's perception of him, so he chose to ignore it. It was probably just a matter of convenience rather than caring. Lucifer protected Hell because if he didn't Heaven would... get mad or something. Adam had no idea how all that worked. It was above his pay grade.
"So now what? Do I get to live here?"
"Regrettably, yes."
"Aw yeah. Fucking sweet." Well, his soul was fucked, but at least Adam had a one-way ticket to the ritziest digs in Hell. "There have gotta be like a billion rooms in here. Do I get to pick mine? Is there a pool?"
"Your room is assigned, kinda, when I remember to do it. Eventually. Maybe. But, yes there is a pool but it's a privilege."
"Booooooo."
"Hey, you are getting to live in my house. You think I'm happy about that? Because I am really not. The idea of you being around constantly is my own personal Hell."
"Aw, thank you."
"The fact that you took that as a compliment is the exact reason I am unhappy about all of this." Lucifer sighed. "But this isn't some kind of rent-free scenario. You're not in Heaven anymore. You're in Hell, and if you stay here, you have to contribute."
"Contribute... how?" Adam had not been privy to this part of the deal when it was struck.
"I dunno Adam, housework or something?" Lucifer threw his hands up. "You do know how to do housework, don't you?"
"I mean, yeah, but I'm not your fucking maid."
"Then maybe I don't let you stay here. Maybe you can sleep outside."
"Where I can get my allegedly Corrupted blood all over the innocent" He put the word in air quotes "Sinners?" Sinners were far from innocent, or else they wouldn't have ended up in Hell in the first place. Lucifer glared at him. He opened his mouth, looking ready to make an argument, but the reality of his situation seemed to be sinking in.
"Just don't make the mess worse I guess."
All right! The bare minimum! That Adam could do. "No problem, shithead."
"Oh, I hate every bit of this." He heard Lucifer mumble under his breath before he let out a heavy sigh. "You still have to hold up your end of the deal. You have to tell me how you got this Corruption to begin with. So! Lay it on me bitch-boy, what did you get up to when you were merrily skipping your way through Purgatory on your way to slaughter all my people?"
"... what?" Adam blinked.
"Come on, Dickmaster." Lucifer's condescending tone wasn't particularly appreciated. "You didn't get Corrupted in Heaven because the Archangels burn that shit on sight. There's no way it made it to you. You have to fly through Purgatory to get to me, and that place is actually dangerous. Maybe you wandered off the path? Saw a sexy Shoggoth waving its tentacle in a sultry way?"
"The fuck is a Shug goth!? You know I don't like goth chicks!"
"I don't believe that."
"Okay, I do kinda like goth chicks. But that doesn't mean I know when one is Shug or whatever."
"A Shoggoth isn't a goth, Adam, it's a horrible amalgamation of tentacles and teeth that screams. Have you seen anything like that in Purgatory? More importantly... did you touch it?"
"Why the fuck would you think I would touch something like that!?"
"Don't take this the wrong way, Adam- or do. I don't really care." Lucifer reached over, putting a hand on Adam's shoulder. "But you absolutely strike me as the type to see a flailing, screaming, oozing mass, of teeth and eyes, and want to poke it."
While that did sound like something Adam would do, he chose to be offended rather than admit it. "No, I wouldn't. That's fucking dumb and doesn't even sound fun at all." It did. But the point still stood Adam was positive he had done no such thing. "And no, I didn't."
"Okay then, did you find a neat little trinket on your journey? Something that you just had to grab with your, grimy bare hands?"
"Bro, I wear gloves in my Exorcist uniform."
"Yeah, okay. Point." Lucifer was quiet for a moment. "Maybe you took the trinket back and touched it after you got- no. The Archangels would have sensed that the moment you crossed the pearly gates. Okay so maybe you didn't find a cursed object..." Lucifer looked deep in thought. Adam considered mentioning that the Archangels actually weren't home, at the moment, but that information would probably just mean he would be stuck here longer. Plus, Sera would fucking flip if he let someone in Hell know they were away. Especially Lucifer. If they knew the guard dogs were gone, all of Hell could rise up against Heaven. And that could endanger Abel and Seth.
"I don't just pick up random shit I find in Purgatory. Despite popular belief, I actually know that place is dangerous." Adam had been warned before he ever entered the labyrinth between realms. He had actually lost Exorcists on the way down.
"Okay, fine. Did you find any unusual boo-" Lucifer started to laugh before he could even finish his sentence. "Boo-" He laughed again, harder, struggling to get the words out as he gasped for air between cackles. "Boo...ks..." he finally got it out, though the word was breathy and difficult to understand.
"Books?"
"Sorry I just... the image of you reading books is just-" Lucifer broke down into laughter again. Adam glared at him.
"I can read, asshole."
"I mean, sure... but do you?"
"I... yeah! I read!" Adam didn't do it too often, especially not anymore. But he used to! (There seemed to be a number of things Adam had once enjoyed that he had gradually stopped doing overtime. That seemed counterproductive, considering Heaven was supposed to be all about enjoying the little things.) "But it's not like I stopped to get a coffee and a book when I was flying through Purgatory! I had a mission, after all." The very idea seemed a little farfetched when he said it out loud. "So no, I didn't read..." huh "anything..." Wait a second. "Suspicious...?" Adam trailed off.
"Adam?" The laughter was gone from Lucifer's voice, and he seemed to be completely focused on Adam.
"Huh..." Adam's head felt a little... off. It was funny. He hadn't really thought about it in years, but he had a vague memory of a piece of paper being shown to him by...
Odd... he couldn't remember...
In fact, the whole memory seemed to be more dreamlike than anything else. Even trying to remember the paper... or was it a book? Was it just a page...? The whole thing felt so unreal...
Maybe it had been a dream.
You have to... Adam... we need you.
He could remember words... some of them, but the voice in his mind was as distorted as the image in his brain. He couldn't even remember where he was standing when this conversation had taken place.
"Adam?"
Adam's chest felt heavy. It felt harder to breathe, like something was holding him so tightly it was starting to crush him. He heard that ringing in his ears again, his face felt flushed and hot. He couldn't get enough air to even talk.
"ADAM!"
"Nnn?" Adam blinked. He was somehow lying on his back on the cold floor staring up at Lucifer leaning over him. He could feel a cold sweat on his skin.
"Don't you dare bite me..." Lucifer seemed to be talking more to himself but his eyes widened seeing Adam's attempt to sit up. "Woah!" The golden chain appeared around Adam's neck again and he was forcibly pulled back to the ground. "No bitey!"
"I am not gonna fucking bite you, you goddamn weirdo! I don't want your shitty blood in my mouth!"
"Oh, you're you. I had to be careful. Not that the Corruption would affect me much, anyway, being as powerful as I am- but that still doesn't mean I want to deal with it."
"Let me get up you asshole!"
"Very well." Lucifer nodded his head and the chains vanished. Adam was finally able to sit back up. He felt... kind of dizzy. He shook his head and the feeling seemed to dissipate. "Just had to be sure."
"W... what happened?" Adam blinked several times and the room looked back to normal (pitiful, but normal).
"You um... had like... I dunno... a seizure or something. Your eyes rolled back and you kinda convulsed. But you seem fine now." Lucifer's easy-going tone didn't really match the severity of his words. "Super unexpected, actually. BUT!" He held up both hands doing a little spin in the chair in which he was now sitting. (It seemed he had forgone his seat on the bench in favor of a rolling swivel chair. Adam would ALSO have wanted a rolling swivel chair over the bench- and especially over the floor- but Lucifer hadn't even offered it to him. Fucking ass.) "You didn't go feral this time, so I am going to take that as a win." He clapped his hands together, sounding far too pleased with himself. "So definite improvement. Not the seizing, but the lack of biting." He looked back at Adam for a moment and the newly Fallen First Man glared at him with all the hate he could muster. Lucifer waved the look away. "Ah you get it."
"I started fucking convulsing and all you care about is that I didn't BITE someone!? Are you shitting me right now!?"
"It's the little victories, fucker." Lucifer kicked his chair over, so he was close enough to put a hand on Adam's shoulder. "When you're trapped down here forever- which you are, so you'll learn this in your own time- you're so accustomed to net loss that any kind of win feels good. Like right now: I just made a deal with you to garner information and it turns out that you can't fucking tell me without having some adverse reaction which is both frustrating and impressive. Like, I'm the Devil. I appreciate a good 'Monkey's Paw Scenario' more than most- I actually invented the monkey's paw, by the way, so if you're looking to give credit on a frankly amazing invention, you just shoot those compliments right this way." He gestured toward himself with the thumb of the hand that wasn't on Adam's shoulder. Adam glanced at the hand still touching him, trying to non-verbally remind Lucifer to move it, but the Devil misread his signal and simply continued on his rant. "But I digress, the point is I made a deal for information, and it turns out that the Corruption literally causes you to shut down when you try and remember important details. Which is a huge loss for me because it is going to be much harder for me to benefit from our deal now."
"So, then we break off the deal?" Adam brightened up a bit. He thought he was just going to have to sit and wallow in the feelings of instant regret. But if it was two-sided, then perhaps there was still an escape.
"Nah, I still think I can get information out of you yet. It'll just be much more difficult. And maybe, if we're lucky, painful." The hand turned into Lucifer's whole arm around his shoulder as his free hand gestured upward at the sky. His crimson and gold eyes glanced over toward Adam. "Painful for you, I mean. I should be fine."
"Get the fuck off!" Adam pushed free of him. "I'm not gonna let you torture me for information, jackass!"
"Oh relax, I'm kidding, probably." Lucifer spun in his chair looking far too happy with Adam's reaction. "I'm not going to torture you. It would be useless and honestly a bit dangerous since I have no idea what your capable of with that Corruption inside you. And I'm not evil." Adam raised an eyebrow at that last bit. Lucifer met his gaze, giving a little shrug. "Matter of opinion."
"So, we're keeping the deal?"
"Yep!"
"This is fucking bullshit."
"Listen, having you live here is no picnic for me either. But I do actually have work to do, I'm afraid." Lucifer stood up. "So why don't you start out on your new, illustrious career as my maid, and go clean something?" Despite his small size, Lucifer easily forced Adam to his feet and toward the door.
"I'm not gonna do that."
"I don't really give a flying fuck what you do, Adam, so long as you aren't bleeding on anyone."
"Oh really? Not one flying fuck?"
"Not really."
"So, what if I leave?"
"I mean you know where the door is. So, leaving is entirely in the realm of possibility. I'm not going to lock you up. But last time you left you caused an entire fiasco that your son is going to have to clean up and he was about the only one here who you would run to. Everyone else is going to make you earn your keep, and I promise you they'll make you do far worse than housework."
Fuck, he kept bringing Cain up like some sort of trump card, and Adam hated how much it was working. "I'm going to go pick my room." Adam headed toward the door. Lucifer had him by the balls, but rather than giving him the satisfaction of knowing he had won the argument. It was easier and more dignified to pretend it never happened as he threw the door open.
"Just stay out of the West Wing." Lucifer got to his feet behind him. "That area is always off limits."
"Listen dude, I don't give two shits about your weird, mysterious off-limits wing. It's probably just filled with more ducks." Adam didn't feel like trying him- at least not right now. He still felt a little weary from waking up on the floor.
"Good. Any of the rooms that aren't clearly marked for other uses are free for you to pick from, until I eventually assign one." Lucifer pushed past Adam and headed out into the hallway. "If you need anything, Syn will take care of it."
"Who the fuck is that?"
"You'll learn." And with that, Lucifer vanished. Sunnova bitch could teleport. Adam fucking called it. That was fine. Adam didn't particularly want to spend any more time with his new captor than he had to. So, he was happy to start wandering the halls. There were a lot of rooms, and it seemed like Hell was allergic to the concept of a map, so Adam just started opening doors at random.
Bathroom.
Good start.
Closet.
The fuck was a closet doing there?
Bedroom. Oh, look they did exist.
"..." Adam stopped for a moment. Hand still on the door. He had the unmistakable feeling of being followed, the hair on the back of his neck stood up, his wings fluttered and fluffed up a bit as he looked behind him.
Nothing.
"I know you're there!"
Nothing.
"..." Adam narrowed his eyes, still looking behind him as he closed the door slowly. He turned back around.
"Boo."
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Adam fell backward as he had ended up face-to-face with a blue skinned, red headed, Hellborn with massive black ram horns. He was a tall, well-built monstrosity with sharp teeth and a tail that towered over Adam, even before he had fallen on his ass.
"Oh man, you shoulda seen your face!" The Hellborn laughed before offering Adam a hand to help him up. Adam knocked it away, choosing to get back up on his own, dusting his robe off indignantly.
"I wasn't fucking scared just so you know. I was simply startled. There's a massive difference."
"Yeah okay." The Hellborn chuckled to himself. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, newbie."
"You were most terrified!" Finally, Adam heard that woman's voice again. He had a chance to see Lucifer's weird new playing. Except... Adam didn't see any sexy lady Hellborns around.
"He was, Syn. You did a very good job." The Hellborn folded his arms, leaning in the doorway.
"Syn? Where is Syn. Lucifer said I was supposed to: ask Syn if I had any questions. And if Syn is some hot ass bitch and Lucifer is holding out on me, I am going to mcfucking lose my shit." Adam looked all around, but the male Hellborn stopped him, sliding his hand under Adam's Halo to grab his head and turn it by force.
"Syn's a lady, but she's not a hot ass bitch, my dude. She's more like... an elegant young woman." The Hellborn gestured forward,
"Aww thank you!" There was the voice again, but all Adam was looking at was a flying cylinder with little lights that flared up and pulsed in perfect synchronization with the woman's voice.
"That's Syn."
"What... behind the cylinder?" Adam swiveled his one good eye to try and look at the Hellborn holding him.
"I am the cylinder!" It turned out the cylinder had little translucent wings, as it decided to fly directly into Adam's face, bumping against his nose. "I am Syn! I am Lucifer's number one assistant!"
"I'm Lysander, Lysander Warson." The Hellborn released Adam's head and instead offered his hand forward. "I'm Security. What did the big boss saddle you with?"
"Yeah, I'm actually here as part of a whole thing he's doing." Adam began. "He really didn't give me a position-"
"My files indicate that he is the maid."
"Oof, maid." Lysander opened the door to the bedroom Adam had just closed, flipping on the light to reveal all the ducks overflowing over the bed. "That's a rough one, my dude. Good news is: Boss doesn't really care. You can kinda do whatever you want so long as you're not actively in his way." That was actually good to hear because Adam- sure as shit- wasn't about to be picking up all Lucifer's fucking crap. He made the mess; he can clean it.
"What do you two want anyway?" Adam looked between the Hellborn and the cylinder. Was she supposed to be like... Metatron? If so, the attempt was, honestly, pretty pathetic since she didn't even have a fucking face.
"One of us! One of us!" Syn began bumping into Adam's cheek over and over again in excitement.
"We're going to initiate you into the mansion staff, my dude." Lysander patted him on the back with such force Adam stumbled forward.
"Just the two of you?" Adam looked between them skeptically. One dude and a half-finished robotics project were not much of a welcoming committee as far as Adam was concerned.
"Well yeah, we're literally the entire staff. Me, you, Syn- and well there's Quackers, but there was no way we were getting him out of the kitchen for this and I am not pissing him off again."
"Who-?" Adam started to ask but Lysander cut him off, leaning on Adam's shoulder, gesturing off with one arm.
"We'll get to him on our tour. Don't you worry."
"Tour?"
"Yes! Now that you are staff like us, you must have the big tour!"
"Syn is very excited, this is something we've been working on, just on the off-chance Boss man ever hired anyone else." Lysander gave a quick shrug. "And he did! Look at that! I owe Syn ten dollars."
"I except cash as well as VOX-MO."
"You won fair and square." Lysander shook his head for a moment before immediately brightening. "But enough about my financial loss-" he lowered his voice leaning down to Adam's ear, "seriously though, don't make bets with her she will fucking take all your money." He straightened back up. "It's tour time!"
"Hurray! Tour time!"
"Let's fucking go, newbie!" Lysander started pushing Adam down the hall. "You're probably looking for a usable bedroom. There really aren't any, but the better options are all on the second floor."
"Plus, they have the bigger beds."
"Why are you guys doing this?" Adam wasn't sure if this was leading up to some kind of trick and he was about to wake up in a bathtub full of ice and missing a kidney.
"One of us! One of us!"
"You're part of the staff now, new guy. And we are kind of an exclusive group."
"I have a fucking name, you know." Adam was half-led, half-dragged up the staircase to the second floor.
"His name is: Adam Don't Run or Adam Come Back. I am unclear on which." The mechanical mess of an invention spoke up, hovering far too close to Adam's face for comfort.
"It's Adam. Just Adam."
"Adam just Adam."
"No, fucking listen-"
"Dude," Lysander cut him off. "You gotta be real straight with Syn. She's learning she constantly takes things at face value." He turned to Syn. "His name is Adam."
"Adam!" She repeated it happily. "Hello Adam! You are one of us!"
"So, is she like... a Sinner? Or a Hellborn? Or like... what exactly is she?" Adam knew that Sinner forms could be really fucking weird but the idea that one had just materialized as a fucking light-up cylinder with wings seemed like a stretch even for Hell. (What sort of crimes could she have committed on Earth to be denied the existence of arms in the afterlife?)
"I am not any of those! I am just Syn! Syn like: Synthetic, Sinner, or Cinderella! I hope that clarifies things a little more for you!"
"No! The opposite, in fact because those are all different spellings!"
"Yeah, she gave me that same speech when I first got here. Boss-Man made her so I asked him about it, and apparently it's Syn: S.Y.N. and you think it would be in all caps, but it's not." Lysander gave a little shrug. Adam squinted at Syn, so she was created by Lucifer. What a very strange series of choices the devil had made with this diabolical creation.
"If you say my name in all caps, I will feel like you are yelling at me."
"I know, buddy." Lysander patted Syn on the top of her cylinder with a massive, clawed hand. "Now this first room once you make it up the stairs, it's a utility closet. Not much to it." Lysander opened the door to show Adam a bunch of disorganized junk covering what looked to be rather important switches and wires. "Then you have my room." There was a little plaque with Lysander W. inscribed clearly on the metal. "If you need anything, you can find me in here. Sometimes. I actually wander around quite a bit." Lysander opened the door to show Adam a fairly basic room with a bed, a desk, its own bathroom, it wasn't half bad.
"Do all the rooms look like that?"
"Most do. There are key differences here and there." He closed the door. "This next room belongs to Quackers, but he's almost never in there. I can't show it to you because he doesn't like anyone messing with his things."
"Who the fuck is Quackers?" That was the second time Adam had heard that name come up.
"We'll get there. He's on the tour." Lysander dismissed the question for the time being. "Then we have some closets, some vacant rooms with bathrooms, and then we have Charlie's old room. That is major off limits. So do not go in there."
"Why?" Adam looked at the door with Charlie in rainbow letters over the top. It didn't really scream Hell at him.
"Boss's orders, dude. We don't really question it. Not our place, not paid to care." Lysander skipped over the door moving on. "We have Syn's room over this way."
"Syn gets her own room?" Adam looked at the cylinder. She quickly buzzed away from his head flying excitedly to the door. There was a little piece of notebook paper taped over the door with squiggles in crayon on it that, if Adam squinted and tilted his head just the right way, did look a bit like the letters S, Y, and N.
"I made my own sign!"
"We taped a crayon to her so she could. We have fun here." Lysander seemed rather amused by the whole thing. Adam could think of several snide comments about the sign but given that it didn't seem like Syn was very old (and it was probably difficult to write her name without limbs) he decided to keep his opinion to himself. "You'll have to open the door for her so she can get in and out. If you hear tapping, that's her."
"So, are you like... a child? Or a cat?" Adam was getting mixed signals about what Syn was supposed to be. Lucifer hadn't been super clear with the villainous intent on this particular creation.
"I am a Syn!" She flew in as Lysander opened the door. The room looked very similar to Lysanders, but had a collection of crayons, markers, glitter, and paints. Adam wasn't sure why they even had this shit in Hell, or why Syn would have it since she had no way of using it, but she sounded rather proud of it. She flitted about, over the discarded craft supplies. "I have collected these over the years, but you may borrow them if you wish!"
"Yeah okay." Adam simply nodded, picking up a blue marker. Maybe he could draw a dick on the walls or something later to piss off Lucifer. (He was surprised Syn was into sharing but it seemed as if she wasn't natural to Hell so maybe she hadn't yet learned how to be a selfish, worthless prick.)
"Next up is Boss's room, but we can't go in there." Lysander waited till Adam and Syn were back out in the hallways before closing the door. "He is a very private man."
"Pfft." Adam snorted. "I wouldn't want to go in there anyways it probably smells like crime and sadness."
"Can't say. He says to stay out and I do. He signs my paychecks." Lysander shrugged. "There's a massive bathroom next to it, the master bathroom, but again, can't go in there. That's for the King only. So that's pretty much everything up here. You can have any of the rooms between mine and Syn's that aren't taken."
"Hmm..." Adam walked the hall for a moment, opening all the doors. All the rooms had ducks in them that he would need to move. But that was just consistent between all the rooms. He found one diagonal to Lysander that was about as far away from Lucifer as he could get without losing access to a connected bathroom. "This one. It's pretty much the best option." He opened the door, walking in shoving all the ducks off of the bed kicking them around to make a clear path. He flopped backward on the bed, hearing faint squeaking, he sat up, pulled the blankets back, and shoved even more ducks onto the floor. How did they even get under the covers?
"You need a sign!" Syn sounded rather excited. "I can help if you want-"
"I got it." Adam got to his feet, pushing past the other two as he walked into Syn's room, grabbing a piece of paper and using his borrowed blue marker to write: Dickmaster on the paper. He grabbed some tape and put it next to the door. "See?"
"I think it requires stickers." Syn didn't sound all that impressed. "Is that your last name?" His sign was being judged by a trashcan with fairy wings, un-fucking-believable. How could Syn even see his sign to judge it. She didn't even have eyes.
"No, I don't actually have a last name." Adam couldn't believe he was taking the time to explain this. It felt like something she should already know. Didn't Lucifer explain who Adam was to everyone on his staff?
"Everyone has a last name. Lysander's is Warson, Quackers is his last name, his first name is Darrell, and mine is Stop That."
"Is it?" Adam looked over at Lysander for confirmation.
"I think her last name is Morningstar but she's pretty much got the rest of that right."
"Well, I don't have one." Adam pointed to his sign. "This is a nickname because I am great at fu-" He stopped for a moment looking at Syn. It felt really weird to boast his sexual prowess to a fucking sentient thermos. "I just don't have a last name. It's just a thing."
"That is weird. You are a strange Sinner."
"I'm strange?" Adam gestured dramatically to himself. "You're a fucking flying soup can that doesn't even have any soup in it!"
"Speaking of soup, you should see the kitchen." Lysander intervened. He kept the door to Adam's room open until Adam and Syn were both outside. They headed back down the stairs. Adam stopped for a moment to lean over the banister and use the maker Syn had lent to him to draw a goatee and mustache on Lillith in the family portrait of the Devil, his daughter, and Adam's bitch of an ex-wife. He hurried back to join the group before Lysander took note of him lagging behind. They reached the kitchen, which had large, sweeping double doors, the kind that could swing in either direction. Lysander put a clawed finger to his lips, and carefully pressed one of the doors open just enough for Adam to see a beautiful, ornate kitchen. But it was hard to admire the craftsmanship because in the kitchen was a bright yellow duck the size of Sera, with red wheels on the bottom, that was pacing the room back and forth.
"The fuck is that?" Adam started talking but Lysander vigorously shushed him, trying to get him to lower his voice.
"That's Quackers. He stalks the kitchen."
"Is he the cook?" Adam craned his head to see inside more. There did seem to be a spatula sticking out from under one of the wings.
"Bro, I dunno." Lysander kept at a whisper. "But if you want a late-night snack from the fridge, you either gotta be really quiet or really fast." Adam craned his neck to get a better look. But, aside from the size, the wasn't really anything intimidating about Quackers. Especially because Lysander had to be only a tiny but shorter if not the same height.
"Why are you so afraid of this thing?" Adam spoke a little louder. Lysander vigorously tried to shush him again. "It looks lame!" Adam raised his voice even louder. Quackers stopped his pacing. The duck's head swiveled a perfect 180° degrees and Adam saw it looking directly at him. There was a horrible, ear-splitting, shrieking quack as the duck's head split open only to be replaced by an array of spinning knives surrounding a burning flame. "Holy fuck!" Adam tried to slam the door, but it being a swinging door, it swung back the other way, hitting him in the face. Lysander pulled Adam away.
"We should go."
"Sorry Quackers!" Syn called as the headless body drew closer and closer to the door every time it swung open. Adam could see the knives spreading out for more damage. He continued back up, but as quackers reached the doorway, he came to a stop. The head returned, and he went back to pacing.
"THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" Adam shrugged Lysander off of him and gestured wildly at the door, which was almost, finally, closed once again.
"Quackers. We warned you to be quiet."
"He is very grumpy."
"That he is, Syn." Lysander patted her on the top of her little cylinder. "But he doesn't leave the kitchen, so your safe now."
"Why does he have that!? What purpose does it serve!?" Outside of the obvious purpose of making Adam miserable. But he doubted Lucifer had that sort of forethought when he created the quacking abomination.
"Dunno man, I just work here." Lysander gave a shrug, his tail swishing. "Welp, no use dwelling on it. You learned a valuable Quackers-related lesson today, and that's good enough for our Kitchen part of the tour."
"Quackers was made by the Boss like I was. But I think I am much more social."
"You are." Lysander gave Syn a thumbs up and Adam remained perplexed about whether or not Syn could actually see anything or if gestures were really just a waste. "Come on, you haven't seen the best stuff yet." Lysander led him further down the hall (Adam began trailing the marker on the already kinda dusty walls, what's a little more mess?) before opening a large door. Adam's face lit up.
"Hot damn there's a gym in this shit hole?"
"This shit hole as you call it, is actually prime fucking real estate in Hell. You shouldn't be so dismissive because I have lived here my whole goddamn life, and this is the best gig I can ask for. We don't even really have to do our jobs half the time because Boss-Man pays us absolutely no attention. Like, you do the bare minimum, and you get to live here and have access to all his shit. Except the west wing. But I'm not gonna risk the sweet ass job for some dusty abandoned hallway."
"What kinda shit?" Adam was only half listening to Lysander's rant. He was more interested in examining all the gym equipment. "No fucking way that any of this shit is Lucifer's. I doubt that guy could bench a wet paper bag."
"Actually, he's the strongest being in Hell. Pretty sure he could like... make my head explode by thinking about it. But nah this isn't his stuff. It's mine. I've been sneaking in the equipment bit by bit to see if he notices. It's become kind of a game seeing how much more fucking insane I can make the things I bring before he catches on." Lysander gestured at all the equipment which ranged from basic weights to an entire chest press machine and treadmill.
"You snuck all this past him?" Adam put his hands on his hips, surveying his new favorite area of the house. "Am I allowed to use it too?"
"Sure thing man, I let Syn use it too when she wants."
"I like to use the free weights!"
"And your wings are getting so fucking swol." He patted Syn before turning back to Adam. "Like I said, this was more of a social experiment. I'll show you what else I've gotten in here." Lysander gestured for Adam to follow him. The Fallen Sinner begrudgingly left the gym to follow Lysander to the next room. He threw the door open and...
"A fucking Movie theater?" Adam blinked at the large screen, multiple seats, projector, and popcorn machine that occupied the next room over.
"Every fucking one of these seats I have brought in- while he was home too. This is all while he's home, it's cheating if he's away." Lysander seemed proud of his work. Adam had to admit he was impressed. Perhaps he'd been too quick on his call to slaughter Hellborns alongside their Sinner counterparts. Lysander was making a very powerful argument in favor of Hellborn kind.
"Sometimes I act as a distraction!"
"And you're a damn good distraction." Lysander winked at Syn who did a happy little flip in return. "Come see the next one." Lysander closed the door and brought Adam one room over and...
"A bowling alley!? How the fuck!?"
"This one took almost all my time. I had to get some outside help. I just told the boss I had old college friends over. But he didn't even look up." Lysander let the door close again. "And I do actually have friends over sometimes. So long as they stay on the first floor and out of the west wing, Boss-Man doesn't give a shit. Ah fuck, speaking of work." Lysander's crimson and black eyes were looking at the window in the back hall. He snapped and an icy looking sniper rifle appeared out of a burst of flame (though Adam noticed the room felt colder, not hotter). He walked to the window, cracking it open, his tail swished, he cocked his head and squinted for a moment before firing a single shot. Adam ran to the window just in time to see something small and sparking crash toward the ground in the very far distance. "Fucking Vox drones."
"Dude that was pretty fucking cool. Not gonna lie." Adam could use this guy as an Exorcist- if it weren't for the fact that he was a Hellborn, and therefore not as innately skilled as his army.
"Usually they don't get too close, but sometimes Vox gets ballsy and I gotta shoot 'em down. I also shoot would-be looters and stuff. It's a pretty fun job. Super easy though because the house has a whole bunch of bullshit magic protecting it. But I like what I get to do."
"Maybe I can join you on security. I mean, I'll probably outrank you because I used to be a general. But I'll still let you pretend to be in charge when Lucifer comes by so that you keep your same pay." Adam very much wanted a chance with that sniper rifle. It was so clear he could see the innerworkings.
"You are a maid. Not security."
"I am not a fucking maid."
"Like I said man, you don't actually have to do any of the work because he never checks on you, so do what you want. But I need this job. My dad was very insistent that I get it because it looks great on resumes. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the downstairs so you can get a basic idea of where shit is."
"So you can clean it!"
"Not gonna fucking happen." Adam flicked his middle finger up at Syn who had absolutely no reaction. At least, not one that Adam could ascertain. (Damn it Lucifer, at least get Syn some fucking googly eyes or something. There was no way to garner a reaction out of her like this.) He still kept making the occasional marks or dick-drawing on the wall while Lysander had his back turned. (The guy seemed cool enough, but he also seemed to respect Lucifer which was a bit of a letdown.)
"There's the pool, it's heated too. There's also a hot tub that is fucking awesome." Lysander led him to a glass door at the end of the hall. "And out here is the garden." He opened it and Adam was a bit taken aback with how beautiful and well-kept the garden was when compared with the rest of the house. There was a gazebo, ornate garden tables and chairs, even a small stage surrounded by the most beautiful flora Adam had seen since his time in the Garden.
"Okay... it's not... terrible." Adam was impressed but he would never admit it. (This might actually be his favorite place in the mansion- though not even torture could draw that confession from his lips.) All the flowers reminded him of his first home of a much happier time in his life... of loved ones from whom he was forever separated... it filled him with nostalgia and a heavy, almost overwhelming feeling of grief. It was so strange. Before waking up chained in a hotel room with Lucifer, a random Sinner, and his long-lost son- Adam hadn't really felt much of... anything. No... that wasn't exactly right either... he had definitely felt emotions- but they were almost... muted? (Maybe that was somehow just the nature of Heaven.)
"You okay man?" Lysander and Syn were staring at him. (At least Lysander was. Syn could have been looking at the fucking sky for all Adam knew.)
"Fucking fine, why? I was just comparing this sub-par little backyard to the gardens up in Heaven. I mean, it's... okay."
"Oh yeah, you're a Fallen. I suspected as much cause of the wings and the broken halo. But it seemed rude to ask. Ya know?" Lysander gave a shrug. "Don't get too many of you guys in Hell. But if you don't like the garden, take that up with Cain from Cain Organics. He does all the lawn work."
"This is the best fucking garden I have ever seen in my life. I was lying before. There isn't a single flaw."
"Well hot damn that's a change of heart." Lysander laughed.
"ADAM!" There was a shout from inside and Adam, Lysander, and Syn all went back into the mansion to see Lucifer looking quite frustrated gesturing to a rather well drawn penis wearing Lucifer's top hat. "The fuck is this!?"
"Dickcifer." Adam didn't miss a beat.
"Really man?" Lysander gave him a look. He didn't seem as amused by Adam's (clearly hilarious) joke. (Syn probably found it funny. If she had a face, she would be laughing her nonexistent ass off.)
"What? I was just decorating."
"I let you live here, I protect you, and you draw on my fucking walls!?" Lucifer had his hat, jacket, and vest back, which was fine by Adam because just seeing him in the undershirt had been weird as fuck. "What are you, five!?"
"Oh, like they were that clean to begin with." Adam rolled his eyes. "If anything? I just increased the property value with my artistic contributions."
"That is because we only just got a maid."
"I'M NOT A FUCKING MAID!"
"Are you shitting me, Adam? This is my fucking house."
"I mean the house wasn't that impressive man. I'll be honest, I thought you were supposed to be the creative dreamer angel. This is all kinda basic. Outside of Quackers, who by the way, is actually fucking terrifying- so good Devil-ing on that one," Adam gave a small clap, "this looks like a knock-off of Heaven."
"It's a house Adam! The fuck are you expecting!? I'm not gonna keep a goddamn theme park or evil torture dungeon where I have to sleep." Lucifer looked thoroughly exasperated.
"The theme park is fucking baller though." Lysander piped up. Lucifer took a deep breath, seemingly trying to calm himself.
"Thank you, Lysander."
"Is it also just a bad rip-off of Promise land?" Adam smirked, folding his arms. Lucifer looked up, narrowing his eyes, meeting Adam's smug gaze. He slammed the bottom of his cane on the ground and tilted his hat up.
"Rip off!? HA! If anything, they copied me."
"Sounds like someone is desperately trying to not look pathetic, which isn't going great for you, if I'm being honest."
"Be prepared to eat those words motherfucker. You want to see something amazing!? Something Heaven can only dream of living up to!?" Lucifer threw up both arms and a rainbow appeared behind him that went up instantly in flames, sparkles raining down around him. "Lysander, Syn buckle up for a field trip because I'm taking my whole staff- minus Quackers so sorry Quackers but you are not ready for the outside- to Lu Lu World!"
A/N: Look who actually posted on time tonight! Heck yeah! We are getting to learn more of what's been going on! I hope you've been enjoying these chapters! I know this one is a little long. Thanks for sticking with my so far!