Adam had thrown up the Corruption.
Right on the floor, completely unprompted. If Lucifer hadn't watched it happen, he would have never believed it. The first two times that toxic black gunk had splattered on the floor had been because of Lucifer's own magic. (Infernal magic wasn't the best at combating the Eldritch, but it was moderately successful. Holy magic was far more potent- so the fact that Adam had gotten Corrupted at all was still alarming to say the very least.) But he hadn't used any magic. He had just been minding his own business, readying himself to sleep- it wasn't really necessary for him. But he enjoyed sleeping, sometimes he indulged in it, which would have been problematic in Heaven, but in Hell, he made the rules and could do whatever the fuck he wanted. Though, sleeping was going to have to wait because Adam threw up the Corruption, completely unprompted, onto the nice clean floor.
(Also, Adam had been cleaning, which in and of itself was pretty fucking weird because Lucifer was fairly sure the only type of cleaning house that Adam was good at, or even enjoyed was the kind that involved murder.)
So, Lucifer had to forego the joys of sleeping to escape the Hellish torment of the waking world. And with Adam here, it really was bordering on torment the likes of which he had not seen since his initial Fall. Sure, Adam had eased up and been less of a fucking nightmare toward the end of their outing, but cleaning Lucifer's hallway seemed immensely out of character for a man who would rather bite off his own wings than pay Lucifer a compliment. Sure, Adam was technically his maid, but they both knew Lucifer was just giving him a job he would absolutely hate to prove a point. The point was that Lucifer held the cards so long as Adam was in Hell. It was unspoken, but he had assumed it was very clear. He never thought Adam was actually going to do anything helpful. Honestly, Lucifer had presumed it was just impossible for Adam to do anything more than make his already awful situation worse than ever before. That was the nature of Corruption, it took the worst, most toxic traits of whatever host it burrowed into, and amplified them until there was nothing left but an empty, malignant shell where a soul once resided. It devoured you from the inside out. Lucifer had seen it before, seen friends and allies turn to monstrosities starting from within. Of course, Adam had yet to start growing extra eyes or mutate in any, physical way outside of what was typical of a Sinner. So, Adam still had time to salvage what was left of him.
Admittedly the few human cases Lucifer had witnessed over time were more severe and had been in the living.
This was why Lucifer had decided to forget his previous plan of sleeping and chose to bury himself in the scrolls he had obtained from Purgatory. He had sent Adam to bed, of course, Sinners needed rest and Lucifer assumed the Corruption drained Adam more quickly. (Though maybe it didn't as Adam always seemed to have the energy to find an insulting quip.) Plus, Lucifer wanted quiet while he researched. Lysander was probably passed out, Syn was in her room doing... something (Lucifer had no idea what Syn got up to most evenings) Quackers was in the kitchen, and Adam was in his newly chosen room (with any luck, asleep). So that left Lucifer alone to go to his study and pull out the scrolls that he had initially collected.
There were quite a few of them, mostly written by Uriel and the angels beneath her: The scribes, the know-it-alls. They were an obnoxious lot, constantly watching, observing, silently judging everything. But damn if they weren't good bookkeepers.
He started reading through them. They were written in an ancient Celestial dialect that would burn the eyes of the Sinners, but he was no mere Sinner. He had spoken this language since long before the humans took their first breath. (The fact that, the longer he stared, the more it hurt his eyes, hurt his ego more.) It had been so long ago that Lucifer had last looked into this, that he recalled being there when some of these scrolls were written.
There wasn't much on the actual Corruption or how it pertained to humans. It was mostly just recounting events that Lucifer had already witnessed. Which wasn't really helpful. He didn't need a history lesson, he needed answers.
He pushed the scrolls aside in frustration, finding that stupid log sheet he had to sign still lying in between the papers. He saw the checkout date and return date- the return date was even highlighted- fucking Jazeerael had no faith in him apparently. Though it did look like he did that for everyone. The log had the previous few checkout dates listed as well, all highlighted and all by the same fucker too. Who kept checking out the same scrolls over and over-
Lucifer's eyes scrolled up until he saw the signature toward the top. Instantly he got a sour taste in his mouth and his desire to read plummeted to nothing. God, nothing could suck the drive out of him like being reminded of that callous, unfeeling bastard that had unjustly cast him out from his home in Heaven for nothing more than helping humankind and daring to love.
Michael.
Forget about the research. It was all bullshit anyway. Why would Michael even have been looking at this shit? That asshole didn't do anything that wasn't directly related to fucking over Lucifer. It was basically his full-time job.
Fuck the research, Lucifer was going to bed.
He stormed out of his study and back to his room. This was a dumb idea anyway. Maybe Adam had a concussion from one of the rides or something and he was just looking too much into it. With a snap of his finger, Lucifer was in his bed clothes. He threw open the door to his room, slamming it shut, and jumping face-first onto his bed. Fuck everything, he was going to sleep.
Lucifer awoke feeling slightly more refreshed. Sleeping was really a great thing, maybe if more angels tried it- they wouldn't all be such bitches.
Another snap and he was in his suit, his hair perfect, not a single blemish on his face. He opened the door. He looked over the hallway, it was a lot nicer looking than it had been, so maybe he hadn't imagined the whole thing with Adam from the night before. (Or maybe he had, and he was just sleep-cleaning or something). Though, there was a new black stain on the floor of the Hallway near Adam's door. Lucifer had burned away all the Corruption from the night before... so this was new. Was it more Corruption? Had Adam cut himself? Or vomited again? Or had the First Man simply spilled some of the paints Syn collected onto Lucifer's floor for the sole purpose of staining it? That did seem likely.
Still, he couldn't take the risk. So, he moved a gloved hand in the air, over the stain, and infernal fire burned the gunk away. And with that, he headed down the stairs to the main hall. He saw Adam, Lysander, and Syn sitting in the parlor with takeout. (Lucifer had to assume Lysander bought it, as Adam and Syn had no money). "Good morning my faithful staff, and Adam."
"Morning boss."
"Master, you have awakened!"
"Look who finally decided to get his sorry ass out of fucking bed and join the waking world."
"Glad to see you are all awake and ready for a new day!" Perhaps, everything with Adam last night had just been a fluke. He seemed back to his wretched, intolerable self, relaxing on one of Lucifer's expensive parlor chairs wiping his greasy fingers on the easily stained fabric. "Adam, you seem to be feeling more yourself- which is to say- more like an obnoxious pain in my ass." Adam's face tinted gold on the pale, white side that Lucifer could see.
"Shut the fuck up, you're the whole goddamn reason I'm trapped down here."
"No. You're the reason you're trapped down here. I did not hold your weapon and force your hand to spill Hellborn blood. I did not whisper in your ear to attack my daughter, thereby breaking the terms of our agreement. Those were all choices you made on your own." Lucifer met his gaze. Yep, Adam was behaving as expected. Whatever head trauma he had suffered at the park had clearly resolved.
"I got you a bagel." Lysander intervened, holding up a bag for Lucifer to see. "Figured you might be hungry."
"Thank you." Lucifer joined them in the parlor, taking the bag and opening it to find a plain bagel, nothing fancy, but it was still nice to have been included. He preferred things that were decadent, sweet... but this was fine.
"I was gonna get you a different one, but Adam said this was a better option." Lysander went back to eating a sandwich that appeared to be more meat than anything else.
"He did?" Lucifer raised an eyebrow. Depending on what Lysander's initial choice had been, Adam had either made things far better or way worse. Before Lucifer could inquire further, Adam interrupted.
"I puked in the hallway this morning. Twice. Same spot though. Your theme park food is absolute shit, and I can't fucking keep it down." So that's what the black sludge was in front of Adam's door. Fan-fucking-tastic.
"Why?"
"Dude, I don't fucking know. I told you, it's probably because the food here is terrible and I am used to tasting only the best in Heaven." Adam immediately went back to eating. Apparently, his problem with the food didn't include what appeared to be some kind of steak sandwich.
"I mean, all you ate yesterday was two buckets of popcorn. I feel like that's not really the fault of our cuisine so much as it is that you ate junk and rode Rollercoasters." Lysander remarked, mouth still half full.
"I wasn't gonna eat any of that apple shit." Adam scoffed. "Call it personal."
"Again, it wasn't actually an apple Adam. The forbidden fruit just looked that way because it was going to appear like what you enjoyed most." Lucifer rolled his eyes taking a bite of the bagel. It wasn't bad, even a little sweet. It might have had some sort of honey glaze, which was a pleasant surprise.
"I would have had a cake."
"You don't eat." Adam remarked dryly. Lucifer did notice that Syn had food in front of her. It was a muffin of some kind and at Adam's words, she flew up and landed on top of the muffin. It was almost as large as she was.
"But if I could, I would eat cake."
"You have good taste, Syn! You get that from me." Lucifer wasn't going to lie; he was low-key eyeing that muffin she had. It did look good.
"She doesn't even have a mouth." Adam had somehow managed to finish the entire sandwich, slathered cheese, while only managing to stain Lucifer's furniture. Adam's robes, which were all white, were pristine.
"I like to feel included."
"Dude, why the fuck are you bringing it up anyway? You were the one who suggested the muffin." Lysander's comment drew Lucifer's interest. It wasn't like the Adam he had come to know in the current times to show any kind of empathy.
"He did?" Lucifer looked over at Syn who was sitting on her muffin quite content, wings folded behind her. "That's uncharacteristically nice of you."
"No, I didn't." Adam rolled his eyes- or at least the only eye that had a pupil. "I was being sarcastic, and you decided to take it literally." He reached into his bag of food pulling out some sort of fried potato snack that definitely looked to be covered in grease. Lucifer clearly watched Adam wipe his hands on the plush chair.
"You know, you are just making more work for yourself. You're the maid." Lucifer pointed out the fact that all these stains were eventually going to be Adam's problem.
"Yeah, but I'm not doing that." Adam popped one of the little round snacks into his mouth. "I thought that was pretty well established."
"You did it last night." Lucifer mused.
"I fucking told you; I only did that because it was hard to think in that fucking disaster of a hallway. Plus, I didn't want to trip over something in the dead of night and break my neck. I mean, it's unlikely because I am so smooth and coordinated, but like, why risk it? Ya know?" As he spoke, Adam was leaning the chair back on its two legs, pushing off with his foot. He attempted to remain balanced, but the chair tumbled back, and Adam's wings spread out as he tried to catch himself. The wings knocked over one of Lucifer's very nice vases as Adam crashed to the ground. Lucifer went to catch it with magic, but to his complete shock, Adam caught it right before it hit the ground. Adam seemed to surprise himself, as he glanced at the vase in his hand before letting it drop to the floor. Of course, it was already pretty close to the ground, so it didn't damage the vase at all, and it rolled to the side. Lucifer watched Adam's expression and he mostly looked annoyed if anything. Maybe a little... queasy?
"That was truly coordinated." Lucifer put the bagel in his teeth for a moment so he could clap his hands for Adam's little display. He took a bite before holding it again.
"Oh, shut the fuck up." Adam lifted the chair back up and gathered the little potatoes he had spilled, putting them back in the bag. Lucifer made a face.
"Adam those were on the ground."
"Five second rule." Adam made direct eye contact with Lucifer as he took his snack from the bag and put it in his mouth.
"I do not have a five second rule in my list of rules."
"Not a real rule, Syn. Ignore him. It's something humans invented so they could eat food off the ground, like heathens." Lucifer considered just making the food in question vanish from existence, but it might not be worth the fight. "This isn't Heaven, Adam, and while my mansion is clean, that kind of shit will make you sick."
"I mean, I'm already sick, right?" Adam didn't sound all that concerned. "Plus, when I was alive, we didn't bother with all of this nonsense. I ate right off the ground all the time with zero negative consequences."
"In Eden." While Adam had a point, there was a major part of the story missing. "I guarantee that if you ate off the ground outside of Eden, that you were filled with a massive amount of regret."
"Only if I did it outside of that five second window. That's how I know about the rule, I discovered it through science. Cause I'm smart like that."
"Adam is a very scientific maid!"
"Not a maid." Adam interjected at the exact same moment Lucifer said:
"He's not scientific."
"Wow," Adam looked over at Lucifer, apparently having heard his retort. "Fuck off, old man. I am incredibly scientific. I had to be, you know, First Man and all that." He gave a smug little smirk to Lucifer before looking over at Lysander and Syn. "Who do you think named all the animals and plants that you see on Earth?"
"I have not been to Earth. Until yesterday, I was not allowed to leave the house. The outside is off limits."
"My dad took me to Earth like... twice?" Lysander had to think about it. If Lysander had access to Earth, his father had to be incredibly high up. Damned if Lucifer couldn't remember exactly who it was. Maybe he should pull up a list of all the highest ranking Hellborns and just try to see which one looked like Lysander. "Not sure if I saw any animals."
"Yeah, I forgot that Fuck-Face keeps Syn locked up like a prisoner in her own home, and that you Hellborns are trapped down here for all eternity without the ability to see my beautiful creations on Earth."
"You didn't make shit, Adam. You just named everything. And I don't think you were taking it seriously at all." Lucifer and his fellow angels had done a lot of the groundwork for the plants and animals, with guidance of course. But Adam had done fuck-all in the creation department... outside of Cain, Abel, and Seth... but Lucifer wasn't about to give him a win. "Blue footed booby, Tit, nipplewort, corn cockle? And let's not forget the sausage tree and Shagbark. Or the utter mockery that is Stiffcock." Adam snickered.
"Stiffcock."
"You see my point?" He looked at Lysander and Syn who had both become unwitting participants in an argument between two ancient men that had started right before Lucifer's Fall from grace.
"Actually," Adam stopped his immature giggling long enough to try and counter Lucifer's point. "Those are modern translations to the original names I chose. Don't let this asshole fool you, I spoke an entirely different language back then and had no knowledge of the colloquial slang of the future. I'm amazing, yes, but not psychic. Language evolves, and the fact that some of my wonderful names became hilarious is more the fault of modern humans than me. And don't get me started on scientists. Those fuckers need to get laid. I mean, phallus impudicus? Colon asperatum? Clitoria ternatae? They were so desperate to find the clitoris they had to put it in the wild where it could be accidentally stumbled upon."
"Adam!" Lucifer put his hand to his face, his cheeks flushed with gold. "Do not bring that kinda shit up in front of Syn! She's too young!" He was almost impressed Adam knew so much about scientific nomenclature as well as linguistic evolution. However, when it was dealing with the vulgar, maybe he shouldn't be shocked. Adam looked over at Syn, still sitting on her muffin and shrugged.
"Don't repeat anything I have said, Syn."
"Many of the words you used are necessary for day-to-day communication. Such as: those, need, and I."
"Then suffer." Adam grinned toothily. Lucifer rolled his eyes.
"Just don't repeat any of the bad words. And also, ignore Adam because he is dumb as shit."
"Yes master!"
"Don't ignore me Syn, I'm delightful."
"Apologies, Adam, but commands are commands."
"Syn! How could you!" Adam didn't sound all that distraught, more amused. But he must have known he was fighting a losing battle. Syn adored Lucifer. And why wouldn't she? He was the single greatest, most amazing being in Heaven or Hell. Also, Syn hadn't really met a whole lot of people.
"Get fucked." Lucifer finished his bagel with a smug, self-satisfied smirk on his face. "Thank you for the food, Lysander. It was an unexpected delight. I appreciate that some of my staff can be respectful."
"I, honestly, didn't know if I would even see you today. But I got something just in case. Cause after Adam's arrival, you kinda started interacting with us more. It's the most I have talked to you in... pretty much since I was hired. Now that I think about it." Lysander finished his own food. "You're kind of a cool guy."
"He's really not." Adam butted in. "He took you to a theme park. So of course he seems fun. It's hard to be un-fun at a theme park. Even a pathetic moron like Lose-cifer looks like the fucking life of the party when he's surrounded by bright lights, rides, games, and food. He can't suck the fun out of everything. He has some limitations." Lucifer could have argued, but it wasn't worth the effort when it came to Adam. You couldn't win a fight against unintelligent life.
"I'm actually great fun. I'm also just a busy guy. But my bagel was delicious- in spite of Adam's best efforts."
"Haha hey fuck you." Adam glared at him.
"Damn, I knew I shoulda gone with my original idea. I just thought since Adam knew you a lot longer that he might have a better suggestion." Lysander shot Adam a look and to Lucifer's surprise Adam looked briefly... flustered? Maybe he was just caught off guard by having Lysander call him out. That could be it. Though, as far as 'trying to fuck over Lucifer' went, a sweet plain bagel wasn't the worst that Adam could have done.
"Yeah well," Adam shrugged, "get wrecked."
"Out of curiosity, what was the original pick?" Lucifer had to admit, he was curious. Adam's reaction caught his attention.
"It doesn't fucking matter, does it? He listened to me." Adam laid out over the chair, legs over one arm, back over the other. He was dropping his little round, fried potatoes into his mouth.
"I'm curious." Lucifer gave a shrug.
"Don't you have some important moping to be doing?" Adam gave Lucifer an annoyed look.
"It is called: self-care."
"Syn gets it." Lucifer gave Adam a smirk. "So, Lysander, humor me. What was it?"
"Don't tell him, Lysander. Mansion staff solidarity." Adam turned his gaze to Lysander in an instant.
"Dude, he's my boss. Your boss too. Staff solidarity has its limits." Lysander was cleaning up the few crumbs he had dropped. Funny how security was doing more cleaning than Lucifer's maid. (Clearly last night had been some sort of fluke). "It was the sausage supreme." Lucifer immediately looked over at Adam and the black and gold eye refused to look back at him.
"Yes, well..." Lucifer cleared his throat. "What you got was preferred. Sausage first thing in the morning is a bit too savory for my palate." In all reality: Lucifer was a vegetarian, as were most angels. He could eat meat. But despite his best efforts, he always had a strong aversion to the taste and texture. But this was knowledge only shared with his family. Not that Lucifer was ashamed, but he despised having his personal tastes broadcast to Hell. The fact that Adam had even remembered was a fucking shock, nevertheless, kept his tastes to himself and offer a better suggestion.
"Fucking told you." Adam was staring at the almost empty packet of potatoes at this point, Lucifer could barely hear him grumbling.
"That was oddly nice of you Adam, thank you." Lucifer was genuinely thrown off.
"I'm kinda shocked too. I figured he was just bullshitting me since he threw up after he said it and I thought that might be the world's worst nervous tick. But damn if he wasn't persistent." Lysander finished tidying up after himself.
"I tried to fuck with you, and it failed." Adam still wouldn't make eye contact.
"Wait... you threw up?" Lucifer had seen the large spot on the floor this morning. "You said you threw up twice... When was the second time?"
"Don't remember." Adam shoved the rest of the food in his mouth.
"Come on, this is important." Lucifer was getting a little annoyed with Adam's attitude. Not that Adam didn't always have an attitude, but this was starting to actively inhibit Lucifer's investigation. And it wasn't just Adam's stupid ass at risk. Technically he was putting all of Hell in danger by keeping Adam alive. (Though depending on how deep that Corruption ran, not even an angelic weapon could kill him.) "You know that. You need to tell me shit because if you don't, who knows what could happen? You might go feral and attack Cain again." He knew Cain was Adam's weak point, it was a low blow, but cooperation was nonnegotiable at this point. Adam threw the bag onto the ground and slowly got to his feet. He finally looked up; his face was contorted with rage the likes of which Lucifer had not seen in his eyes outside of the battlefield.
"Don't you EVER talk about my son! EVER! You're the WHOLE FUCKING REASON he's down here! YOU brought that shit into the world. Not me!"
"Me!?" Where was this coming from? Lucifer wasn't about to take Adam's shit in his own god damn house. "Oh ho ho, I don't fucking think so." Lucifer straightened his stance. "I didn't put that boulder in Cain's hand, I didn't drag him out to that pasture, Adam. Cain made a choice. That's the ONLY thing I did. I gave humans the ability to choose and your son chose to damn himself! That had nothing to do with me!" He had even had this conversation with Cain before, long ago when he had first arrived.
"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!" Adam had gone from zero to a hundred so fast Lucifer's head was still spinning. "And I'm STUCK here because of YOU! I can't go HOME! I ALREADY couldn't talk to Eve and now Abel!? Seth!? I can't even say goodbye! And then I FINALLY see Cain again only to find out YOU turned him against me."
"I didn't turn Cain against you!" Lucifer was so mad he laughed. "You did that all by yourself, fucker!"
"I LOVED my son! Even after what he did, I was still his FATHER!"
"You literally came down once a year with an army to slaughter everyone he knows." Lucifer lowered his voice, narrowing his eyes. Adam's eyes looked wild. He was still talking and not growling, but the Devil still needed to be on his guard. "You don't see how that might upset your son?"
"Everything I did was to SAVE him." There was a strange vigor in Adam's words. "I had no choice! HE WAS GOING TO BE SAFE! You are the WHOLE REASON this even had to happen!"
"What I did was for humankind to have a choice."
"You fucked my wife so humans could have a choice?"
"Oooooookay," Lysander was suddenly between the two of them. Lucifer didn't realize how close together they had gotten, every exchange accompanied by a small step forward as the Devil tried to square up against the First Man. "Why don't we all just calm down for a second? I think everyone's just a bit shaken up after all of yesterday's adrenaline. But you're starting to scare Syn." He gestured to Syn who was hiding behind her muffin.
"I do not like yelling."
"Fuck this." For a moment, Adam seemed as if he might push the issue. Lucifer was ready to pounce the moment he made a move toward Lysander- no way he was letting the son of some important dignitary become Corrupted on his watch. But Adam simply turned and stormed off, up the stairs and back toward his room. Fine. He could pout if he wanted. Lucifer's day would have been infinitely better without Adam to insult him and bring him down.
"Sorry about that." Lucifer took a deep breath, calming himself. Adam really went off the handle. And in front of his staff too. Syn definitely didn't appreciate all the loud, sudden noises. (She did live in Hell, eventually she would have to be accustomed to chaos- perhaps Lucifer had sheltered her too much. It was complicated with Syn; she was a faceless machine- and at times he remembered that. However, there were other times, like this very moment, when Syn was hiding behind a muffin, that Lucifer became reminded of Charlie as a child. She never did like when he and Lillith would argue- the rare times they did so in front of her. So perhaps that was why Lucifer instantly relaxed, the moment that Adam's door to his room slammed shut.) "You doing okay, Syn?"
"The maid was very angry at you Master."
"Indeed, he's not a very good maid, is he?" Lucifer couldn't exactly fire Adam, given the situation, but he could still critique. He was in his own, unique, Hell wherein he had to put up with Adam and his awful personality or risk his Kingdom being devoured by another...
Ugh.
He did not want to think about that this early in the morning.
"But he was nice to me this morning. He asked me if I wanted anything when Lysander was ordering."
"I think he was being sarcastic, Syn." Poor thing, Lucifer really needed to teach her how to read people's intentions or Hell was going to swindle her out of everything she owned. Which was mostly crayons. How the Hell was the Metatron so put together? Lucifer's attempt to copy her seemed far more... childlike than he intended.
"I mean, it's been hard to tell with Adam, I won't lie." Lysander had his arms crossed, he was looking up the stairs after Adam, his ears were tilted back, his tail swished. "His sarcastic voice and his real voice all kinda sound the same to me. Maybe he was just fucking with us."
"And then he threw up."
"Yeah. That is like the weirdest thing. I guess that food yesterday didn't agree with him at all. I didn't even know popcorn could fuck you up like that. How the fuck is he gonna eat actual food? That breakfast I got him might have torn him a new asshole." Lysander glanced back at Syn. "Maybe that's why he was so grumpy."
"Because the food made him sick?"
"Huh." Was all Lucifer could say. He looked up the stairs again. Adam had really bolted. Was the food actually making him sick...? No... that stain this morning... the vomiting last night... it was very clearly that black, viscous sludge. Lucifer remembered the way it had stained his own coat and glove, how it was more akin to burning than to just a stain. Maybe Adam was just so forgone that he was already hollowed out- a shell of his former self- an abomination walking around in Adam's skin until eventually the fleshy exterior broke down to reveal what Adam had become.
"Master? Are you alright?"
"You have been kinda just spacing out, boss-dude." Lysander and Syn were both staring at him. Perhaps Lucifer had let his mind get away from him for a moment.
"Oh, yes. I am fine. Just thinking." He laughed, proving that he was unfazed by Adam's little tantrum. (He just HAD to have brought Lillith up. That was Lucifer's trigger as much as Cain was to Adam.) "You both said Adam threw up twice this morning?"
"Affirmative. He did not clean it very well either. I am beginning to doubt his maid qualifications."
"Not sure how hard he tried," Lysander shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, he started with the first one then it happened again and he just kinda gave up. Don't blame him. I was like that after my last frat party before graduation. I puked right on the stage. Got a standing ovation. It was fucking hell on my hangover, but I like to think I left a legend." Hellborns had their own schooling, but it was still a bit odd for Lucifer to think of a graduation of any kind in Hell that wouldn't result in the school being burned to the ground.
"What a lovely story, Lysander, so glad I could hear it." Lucifer was still deep in thought. "Can you both walk me through exactly what happened this morning?" Were Lysander and Syn the most reliable sources? It was hard to tell. Syn did record everything... at least everything Lucifer said. It was hard to tell if she would think of recording Adam. And Lysander was a fine security intern... maybe he had observation skills that surpassed Lucifer's expectations. Though Lucifer had watched Lysander fall off the balcony while trying to catch a potato chip in his mouth, so maybe Lucifer was having too much faith in them.
"Let's see... I woke up, went on my phone for a while. I got this really fucking funny meme from my cousin-"
"I should have been more specific." Lucifer cut Lysander off before he had to listen to any more of his mundane start to the day. "Stuff that relates to Adam." Lysander was quiet for a split second. He raised an eyebrow at Lucifer, giving him an unreadable expression.
"Yeah okay, um," Lysander looked up at the ceiling, trying to recall how things had started. "So, I woke up early and I was gonna go work out, but then I was like... super fucking hungry. Probably from everything we did yesterday." Lucifer's face fell, he was still getting completely useless details. Maybe he should just have asked Syn. (Though it was good that his security was making an attempt to stay in shape. Lucifer didn't really have a place for fitness in his mansion, maybe he should invest in one for Lysander at some point. Lucifer didn't really need to use it since he was magic, Syn was just a machine, and he didn't want to risk Quackers taking up fitness and becoming too powerful- but maybe he could empty out one of the unused rooms at some point.)
"Yes, and?" Lucifer was still waiting for anything that had to do with Adam.
"I went to see if Adam was up, I heard him kinda... I dunno, shouting? It was only when I got close to the door. I think he like, tripped over one of the ducks or something. So, I knocked to make sure he didn't die, and he opened the door and was all like: 'Yo hey Lysander, what up?' and then I was like: 'Adam! Sup? I'm like super fucking hungry'." Awesome, Lucifer was getting an entire play by play with the most unconvincing dialog he had ever heard. "So, like, I went to let Syn out of the room because I could hear her tapping."
"This is where I come in."
"Uh huh." Lucifer nodded his head. Perfect. Syn was starting to look like the more reliable narrator. Plus, it was a bit difficult to understand everything between Lysander's slang and his accent.
"So yeah, then Syn came out, and she was all: 'Hey guys, what's up?' And then I was like: 'Syn! Hey! I am actually starving. I think I am gonna order some brekkie!' You know cause the kitchen is completely and utterly inaccessible." Lysander looked at Lucifer who nodded.
"Right. Quackers. Continue." It would be a cold day in Hell before Lucifer believed that Syn had used the phrase: what's up, but at least Lysander was getting to some kind of relevant point.
"So, I was like: 'Adam, you hungry, mate?' And then he was all: 'Yeah I could eat.' So, I get out my phone to order some food and I show Adam the menu, he picks his thing, and then I realize: 'I should get something for the boss cause he took us to that theme park yesterday. I bet he would like this sausage supreme!' And Adam is all: 'I am gonna be passive aggressive about having a nice time because admitting joy is a sign of weakness, but also you should get him that plain bagel with honey cause he'll like that more.' And of course, at this point I'm kinda like... eh because Adam hasn't really shown much of your best interests since he got here, boss-man."
Lucifer had to snort at Lysander's description. "Fair point."
"So, of course I don't really trust him but he's like: 'I've known the boss-man forever, so I know what food he likes.' And I mean, he had a point."
Lucifer highly doubted that Adam had ever referred to him as Boss-Man, but that was neither here nor there.
"They tried to ask me, but I do not know what food you like to eat because you do not eat consistently."
"I don't have to." Lucifer shrugged. He was an angel, Fallen or not he didn't have the same biology as the others in Hell. "Syn, why don't you take it from here?" Lucifer expected a recording.
"Hurray! Yes! I was watching them debate about food. And Lysander did not trust Adam's opinion: 'Adam, I do not trust your opinion. I believe that your dislike of the Master would make you pick something he would quite dislike! Syn, what do you think?' of course, I was just excited to be included."
Awesome. Syn was just doing what Lysander did and was just paraphrasing the whole fucking conversation. Amazing.
"I responded: 'I do not see Master eat very often and he has logged no personal favorites into my database in regard to food. But the Master does enjoy wine when he partakes in the process known as Self-Care. ' The maid replied: 'That is quite all right. Believing my analysis is not required. Please continue as you were. Though I am insisting that The Master would very much appreciate my choice over yours.' However, we were all intrigued by his suggestion. Lysander gave him a thorough interrogation! 'Are you certain of this?' To which Just Adam gave a nod and said: 'He will prefer the plain bagel.' While suspicious, Lysander addressed Adam The Maid with a simple: `Affirmative. We will honor your suggestion.' And then Adam Just Adam suffered from emesis all over the floor as soon as Lysander finished speaking."
Well, it had taken two years off of Lucifer's life span, but they had finally reached the first incident with the vomiting. "Then what happened?"
"The maid began to swear about the recent cleanliness of the floor and Lysander ordered the bagel for you. Then Lysander addressed all of us: 'Is that everything desired or required from our wonderful staff?' To which the response from our maid was simply: 'You did not ask Syn what she wanted. And she is such a hard worker and a very good voice of her Master who did such a good job at the theme park yesterday.' Which was very nice of him to notice."
"Right." Lucifer knew for a fact Adam didn't say any of those nice things about Syn. Lysander's amused expression was evidence enough, but working compliments to herself into her own retelling was actually something Lucifer would do. He had to respect the hustle.
"Lysander did astutely point out: 'Syn does not eat' to which the counter argument was: 'Affirmative fellow member of the mansion staff, however she is still intelligent and may wish to be included in our activities even if she is a being of technological origin and therefore cannot ingest or digest sustenance.' And then he proceeded to suffer from another brief episode of emesis on our floor."
And there was time number two. "Thank you both for those... truly riveting retellings." Lucifer needed to install cameras or something- though too much technology left him open to Vox. "But a recording would have sufficed, Syn."
"I do not record when you are not talking as that information is not important."
"Flattering, but you should record if it's about me too."
"Affirmative Master! I will do so in future interactions!"
"Right, well, you both have work to do, I assume." He had no idea. "So, you best do that, I need to do some research."
"My job is to follow you!"
"Not this time Syn, I need quiet." Lucifer would need to return to those scrolls, as much as he hated the idea of seeing that fucking name again. He could hide that list- it wasn't relevant to the material. And he wasn't about to let that asshole up in Heaven get to him. "You are both dismissed." He walked past them toward the stairs. He swore he heard Lysander mutter something to Syn that sounded weirdly like: wanna go bowling? but since he knew neither of them left the house, he could only assume he had misheard.
Lucifer walked back up to his office, seeing the scrolls still tossed aside where he had left them. He shoved the offending paper aside and went back to the scrolls. This was mostly from Raphael and Uriel, careful and thorough notes from the last time the angels had faced off with those that lie Dead and Dreaming. The Corruption Adam was experiencing was milder than cases Lucifer had seen before, at least... if not mild it was slower moving. Lucifer had to assume he didn't touch any of those Old Ones directly- if he had then Adam wouldn't be able to form coherent sentences. The First Man was still just a man deep down. (And also, there was no way in Heaven or Hell Adam would have had the opportunity to have contact with one of them directly.
No. More likely than not, whatever Corrupted Adam was an object or some low-ranking monster. Something he must have come across in Purgatory. It was unsurprising that Adam would go off the beaten path and get himself fucked over by something he didn't understand.
There were lots of notes about how the Corruption presented, but not in humans... not after prolonged, untreated exposure.
Damn it.
There were probably more scrolls, more recent ones, up in Heaven. There was no way he would be granted access to that shit. Not without an Archangel's permission. And Lucifer wasn't at the point where he would throw himself under their judgmental, mocking gazes and beg for help.
He sighed; this was really getting him nowhere. The scrolls had been a nice refresher for what to expect, but there wasn't anything new. For most of them, he had actually still been up in Heaven when they were written.
He got up, walking back out of his study. He had a theory but there still wasn't enough evidence to prove that he was correct. Adam's outburst, if anything, seemed to be proof to the contrary. Adam was getting worse.
"Hey Cain... it's dad again."
Lucifer stopped walking. He could hear Adam's voice from inside the room he had picked. The door had actually been broken- must have happened when Adam slammed it shut. The locking mechanism was completely askew, and Lucifer could see the door was cracked open.
Hesitantly, Lucifer nudged it a little more with his hand. He could see Adam sitting on the bed, phone against his ear. (How in the fresh Hell had Adam found Cain's phone number? His personal phone was unlisted because it was something Lucifer had made for him since Cain didn't trust Vox- and with good reason. For all his bullshit, Cain was sly. He played dumb to his competitors so they wouldn't work hard to hide their hands. He was a remarkably savvy Sinner when push came to shove.)
"I know things are kind of strained right now, and I get that. But you have to understand- what I did, I did to protect you. You and your brothers... you're my Eden." Adam stood and Lucifer ducked further behind the door. "I know what happened between you and Abel was horrible... but I never stopped loving you..." he could see Adam pacing the room, phone still in his hand.
Lucifer bit his lower lip, his heart sank.
"Please... talk to me..." Adam sounded so uncharacteristically desperate. "I love you, call me back."
Lucifer heard the click of the phone hanging back up on the receiver. Landlines were a little outdated, sure, but Lucifer and some of the other Overlords could be old fashioned. (Plus, with everything with Lillith, Lucifer hadn't had a huge opportunity to do a lot of mansion upgrades.) He took a deep breath, balling his hand into a fist and rapping softly on the door.
"Adam?" He pushed the door gently open the rest of the way.
"What?" The reply was harsh, bitter. Adam flopped back into a sitting position on the bed.
"Hey... um... you talked to Cain?"
"Just his voicemail."
"Right..." Lucifer frowned. His eyes traveled along the phone that was sitting on the bed beside Adam, to the frayed cord that had been pulled out of the wall. There was no way the phone was working in that condition. He looked back at Adam who was staring at the phone as well. Lucifer could see the glaze over his white eye, that almost otherworldly sheen. The golden glowing orb that made up the pupil of Adam's black eye had become dull. Lucifer's hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He had seen this before, and it usually acted as a warning sign for Adam to become feral. Lucifer really didn't want to get bitten. (Even if he was probably immune, there was no reason to test the theory). "I am sure he's just busy. He'll call you later. He works a lot." Lucifer wanted to do his best to keep Adam relaxed. There was no telling how much magic it would take to pull Adam back out of that Corrupted state again.
"You don't have to fucking lie to me. I know he's pissed."
"He's just moody. He'll calm down on his own time." Again, Lucifer's eyes looked at the frayed wires coming out of his wall.
"Why the fuck are you here?" The fact that Adam was talking was a good thing. It meant he was still Adam. (And while Adam could be intolerable- the monster that the Corruption brought forth was far worse.)
"I... um..." Lucifer sighed. He had pushed Adam too far earlier. "I'm sorry about this morning." Lucifer had seen Corruption eat away at other angels. It was like a force that fed on every single negative thought you had, that rewarded giving in to your worst vices. Adam's overreaction was probably less a reflection of his innate hatred of Lucifer, and more the result of all those dark, toxic emotions boiling up inside him. Adam simply broke under the internal pressure. It wasn't surprising, he was only human, after all. (Though depending on how long this Corruption had been eating away at him... it was a wonder Adam had any humanity left at all.)
"Huh?" Adam still looked and sounded unfocused.
"I'm..." Damn it. Lucifer was really going to have to say it again? It sucked doing it the one time. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry...?" Adam finally turned his head to look at Lucifer.
"Yeah, I mean, I never should have brought up Cain. I know things are kinda tense with you two right now and I shoulda just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry."
"..." Adam blinked at him. Lucifer could see the fog clearing, the orb-like pupil brightened as Adam seemed to become more aware of his surroundings. "Yeah, well you should be fucking sorry."
"You're right. I should be, and I am." Lucifer's acceptance seemed to throw Adam off. He saw him visibly falter.
"Y... yeah. Well... good. Be fucking sorry, cause you're a sorry piece of shit. And you're... short too."
"Oh come on, I'm apologizing." Lucifer's eyes narrowed for a moment before he caught himself. No. He couldn't let his emotions get the better of him. He was the Devil God damn it and no Corruption was going to get the better of Hell's King. "I'm sorry about what I said to you." He watched Adam's expression rather intently.
"Y... you..." Adam seemed to be struggling. It was unusual, the way his face contorted almost looked more akin to pain than simple irritation. "You fuck...ing..." Adam's breathing picked up; Lucifer watched that shine start to creep over his blind eye once again.
"I'm sorry for what I said." Lucifer's claws bit into the comforter on Adam's bed, his whole body tensed in preparation for Adam to attack again.
"Fuck it." Adam's body finally relaxed. "It's fine. Whatever. Let's just forget it happened." He waved Lucifer away. The shine vanished from his eye, but the pained expression didn't seem to go away.
Lucifer was... shocked. He had expected Adam to lord this sort of apology over his head. It seemed like the kind of thing he could exploit to earn favors from Lucifer. Maybe Adam just wasn't accustomed to the way things worked in Hell but... "Did you just accept my apology?"
"Look I just want to forget this whole thing." That wasn't exactly a yes but it was far from a no. "I'm already in Hell, and I guess I just kinda got fed up with how fucking terrible everything is here- especially you." Now that sounded more like the modern-day Adam. "And I guess maybe I said some shit too that wasn't like... relevant to the argument or whatever."
"Wait..." Lucifer blinked.
"Don't get me wrong, you need to fucking apologize for a lot more than just being a bitch at breakfast. But like, you're the Devil. Maybe I shouldn't have let you get under my skin so easily with your weaselly little voice and incredibly punchable face. I mean, I am a divine man, after all. I should have turned the other cheek. Your cheek. With my hand. When I slapped it. But like, I should have expected you to be the fucking worst and so the fact that I shouted all those very true things in front of your staff who seem to all be brainwashed, was probably not the time or place for such an argument."
"..." Lucifer was taken aback, watching as Adam looked rather conflicted. There was more going on inside of him that Lucifer couldn't really see, but his face was a mix of smug and queasy. Wordlessly, Lucifer materialized a small trash bag and handed it to Adam. If he was going to test his theory, this would be a good time.
"I don't want your shitty fucking trash-" Adam didn't get a chance to finish as he held the bag to his mouth and black sludge fell from his lips. "Are you fucking kidding me!? I NEVER puke up a steak sandwich! Fucking breakfast of champions! Mandatory on Extermination Day!"
"You didn't." Lucifer's eyes widened.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Adam still had a bit of the black sludge dripping from his lip. "Stop."
"You apologized."
"Oh no the fuck I didn't."
"You did. You apologized. You remembered I was a vegetarian and corrected Lysander. You thought about Syn's feelings. You cleaned the hall- it's acts of kindness. That's what makes you throw up."
"Well then I should be throwing up all the time because I'm a fucking Saint."
"You were never canonized."
"But I should have been."
"Adam." Lucifer plucked the bag out of his hands, burning it. "You are fighting the Corruption by being a good man. Which I know is a struggle for you, but I also know you gotta be capable of at least a little fucking decency because your ass somehow got into Heaven despite... everything." The old Adam, the one Lucifer had known in Eden was a far cry from the pathetic being before him now. Though Lucifer did know stories from Lillith that did not paint the man favorably, even then.
"Wow. Fuck off." Adam glared at him.
"No, you're missing the point, asshole." Lucifer took a handkerchief out of his pocket and offered it to Adam. "You still have Corruption on you. But Adam, you're getting better. I was right last night when I suspected as much. But you can't just prove a theory on one isolated instance. But this is multiple incidents."
"So... I'm not gonna die?" Adam wiped his mouth with the handkerchief and threw it back to Lucifer who burned it.
"Again, dying is the least of your problems when you discuss Corruption. But you are fighting it."
"So, I'll get better, and Sera will let me into Heaven?"
"There's always a chance." There was not a snowball's chance in Hell. (And Lucifer was well aware of the chances a snowball had in his domain.)
"Well fuck yeah! Let's do this shit! I can be nice. I'm nice as fuck! Nice looking, nicely built, with a nice ass-"
"Personality, Adam. You need to do nice things."
"So, I need to fuck more nice people?"
"Do you listen when I talk? Or do you just start watching a movie in your head?"
"Movie."
"I fucking knew it." Lucifer let out a sigh. He wanted to fully blame Adam, but he couldn't. The fact of the matter was, that nice deeds purged the Corruption- but they left Adam feeling terrible. Every cell in his body was fighting for him to pick all the worst options. The nausea, the vomiting, that was just the beginning. Statistically speaking, the more they succeeded, the worse it would get for Adam. (No wonder he had snapped at breakfast. Three nice deeds? He was probably feeling like utter shit- and behaving like an absolute monster was the only way to alleviate those symptoms. Lucifer had joked about it yesterday, but as it turns out, it might actually kill Adam to pay Lucifer a compliment. Funny how that worked). "Adam, you need to work on being a decent human being, which I know will be very difficult for you."
"What would you know about being decent? Or about being a human, now that I think about it."
"Nothing." Lucifer smiled. Adam was trying to get under his skin, and he knew it. The only thing he didn't know was how much of that push was really coming from Adam, and how much was from that Corruption inside him. "You've got me there."
"I'll be honest, I expected more of a comeback on that one."
"Look, Adam, I don't like you. You don't like me. We have that in common. And also, I'm literally the Devil. So, if I want you to do acts of kindness, it kinda goes against my whole schtick." He smirked. "Luckily for you, I do know an expert in the field and she just happens to be someone I trust completely."
"You don't mean-"
"Shh." Lucifer held a gloved finger to Adam's lips as he pulled out his cellphone using the speed dial. "Char Char! Hey bitch! It's dad! Are you busy right now because I would love to ask a favor."
A/N: All those plant and animal names are real. I had way too much fun researching that part. Hopefully You all enjoyed this chapter! A bit of a shorter one, but I had a great time writing it!