Chapter 3

Journey to Regionals

In the choir room, Will wrote the word "Hello" on the whiteboard. "Hello," he said. "What do we say when we answer the phone?"

Mercedes said, "What up?"

Artie said, "Who this be?"

Kurt said, "No, she's dead. This is her son." Aw, poor Kurt.

Will said, "Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. He would always answer 'Ahoy, ahoy!' whenever it rang. It was Thomas Edison who concluded that 'Hello' was a more appropriate greeting."

"Lionel Richie, huh?" A teenage boy said. "One of my favorites."

"Oh, my God. You're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline."

"And you're Rachel Berry. I saw you perform at Sectionals. Your performance of Don't Rain on My Parade was strong but slightly flawed. You don't exactly have Streisand's emotional depth…but you're talented. I'm a senior now, so this year's kind of my victory lap. Winning a fourth consecutive National championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of Ohio soon. I've got my sights set on the University of Los Angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. What do you say we take it for a spin?"

"Here? I'm kind of nervous."

Jesse sighed. "I remember when I used to get nervous. Come on, I do this all the time. It's so important to give back."

At Carmel, Vocal Adrenaline were totally sucking. Actually, they were fantastic, but their personalities were far from it. Jesse was singing AC/DC's "Highway to Hell."

Shelby Corcoran said, "Stop! Dear God, stop. Seriously, guys, it's like watching beige paint dry. Jesse, give me a show face." Jesse gave a big smile. "That's a show face. I want a look that's so optimistic, it could cure cancer." Then they all gave big smiles. Shelby clapped and said, "That's what I'm talking about. Take five, everybody. Drink a Red Bull." When they left, Will walked to Shelby. "Uh, Ms. Corcoran. Hi, I'm Will Schuester." They shook hands. "I'm a big fan. I coach the glee club at McKinley."

"I don't usually cotton too well with my competition sneaking in to watch a rehearsal, but I also have trouble seeing you folks as competition."

"I believe you have a student named Jesse St. James. I'm a little more concerned with the whole…fraternizing with the enemy aspect."

"Noted. But I don't stand for any funny business. I mean, what can you do? The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes there's that little spark."

Will was making out with Shelby in the next scene. She said, "I'm not interested in coaching just your average everyday high school glee club. I'm driven to excellence."

"Yeah."

"A lot of people thought I couldn't take Nationals for the routine where the kids dance entirely on their hands."

"Okay, no. I can't do this."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all business. I'm trying to work on that."

"It's not that."

"Are you gay?"

"What? No."

"Most show choir directors I make out with are gay."

In the kitchen, Will poured her coffee. She continued, "I spent every waking moment thinking about Vocal Adrenaline. I hardly have a life. I haven't even been on a date in three years. Thanks. I do know who you are, though. I saw you at our fall invitational. I thought you were really cute."

Will chuckled. "You know, I know what you mean about being obsessed with work. I'm so committed to glee. But then I started dating someone I really care about, and…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. You're already seeing someone and you were just making out with me."

"I'm kind of a mess."

"Look, I don't want to tell you how to live your life."

"Please. Be my guest."

"I think you need to take some time to reintroduce yourself. You just finished being somebody's boy-toy and now you're running off to be somebody else's boyfriend. Seems to me you need to take a little breather." She stood up. "Look, that hair, that dimple, that old clunker you drive…I think you're about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Here's my number. Give me a call. Thanks for the coffee, and the making out was kinda hot." She patted him and left.

In the choir room, the gang were laughing at a video of Sue dancing. Jesse said, "That's Olivia Newton-John's Physical. It was pretty groundbreaking at the time."

Finn realized, "Wait, that's not Olivia Newton-John. That's Sue Sylvester. Where'd you find this?"

Kurt said, "Well, I can certainly tell you I did not find this in her filing cabinet." He laughed.

Artie noticed Sue moving her arms in a circle. "Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?"

Finn said, "This is going on YouTube."

Rachel shouted, "No, wait! Do you think that's such a good idea? She might kill us."

Mercedes said, "Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through."

Jesse said, "I'm with Finn. You guys need to stop being asses and start being badasses."

Finn smirked and picked up the laptop. "Twenty dollars that it goes viral by lunch."

Meanwhile, in the hallway…

Karofsky said, "Hey, Coach Sylvester. Let's get physical."

Sue said, "Not really my type, but I like that attitude."

Azimio said, "Hey, Sue, let's get animal."

Sue stopped walking and students were trying to keep themselves from laughing. In the teacher's lounge, everyone was blatantly laughing.

A woman with glasses walked up to her and said, "Belinda Castle. I saw your video." She laughed. "You, my friend, are an embarrassment, and that's me talking."

Well, it looks like Sue finally got it handed to her. Then one night, her telephone rang and guess who called?

"Hello, this is Olivia Newton-John."

"Nice try."

"No, really, it is me."

"Prove it. Sing something."

"Let's get physical, physical."

Sue dropped her phone, then picked it up.

"I noticed my daughter laughing at something on the internet. Why would a person do that?"

"Well, Olivia, I gotta be honest. That video was not meant for public purpose."

The next day, in the hall, Kurt slowly walked to Sue and said, "Coach Sylvester. We were the ones who posted the video."

"So it was you. I can't thank you enough."

In the library, Kurt found something online.

There was a new video of Sue singing Physical with Olivia-Newton John herself!

Mercedes and Brittany kept saying, "Again, again, again, again, again."

In Rachel's room, Jesse helped her go through some of her childhood mementos. "What took you so long?"

"There is so much stuff. It's like a shrine. Oh, look, my baby teeth." Hard to believe she still had those.

"Looks like you're in fifth position."

"Makes sense. My dads said they played Vivaldi to my mother's belly." She gasped and pulled out a trophy. "My first singing competition. I won first place, of course."

Jesse looked at it. "You were only three years old."

"I was very musically verbal. Oh, cute little baby shoes."

Jesse pulled out a tape. "What's this? It's from your sister."

"I have a sister? Oh, my God, she wrote this." Jesse took it back. "Wait, what are you doing?"

"Playing the tape."

"No, I'm not ready. What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?"

"I think you're reading a little too much into this."

"No, look, it's my decision. Jesse, I think that you should leave."

Outside, Jesse got in a car. "She has the tape. She won't listen to it."

"What?" Shelby said, "She has to listen to it. That's the point of all this."

"I'm doing the best I can. Look, when you told me to seduce her…"

"Befriend her was actually the word I used."

"The point is, I got into it because I thought it might be a good acting exercise, but now I think I kinda like her. I don't want her to get hurt."

"One more week, that's all I ask. Then you can come back to Vocal Adrenaline."

"I don't understand why you don't just walk up to her and say, 'Hi, my name's Shelby. I'm your sister.'"

"Because I signed a contract. She has to come to me. Once she listens to the tape, she won't be able to stop until she finds me. My parents signed an ad in the paper for a surrogate. Her dads seemed like nice guys, so they went for it. I never got to hold her. But when they were cleaning her off, she turned her little head and looked at me. You get her to listen to that tape."

Jesse nodded.

The next day, Jesse put the tape in Rachel's radio. "Jesse, what are you doing? I told you, I'm not ready."

"Yes, you are. Look, just listen to it." He kisses her. He pushed a button and piano music started to play.

Shelby's voice said, "Hey, baby. It's your big sis. I think this will pretty much say it all." Then they were singing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables.

In Carmel's auditorium, they were all wearing red costumes. Rachel, Mercedes and Quinn snuck into the stairs.

Shelby said, "Okay, okay, okay! Just stop. You guys aren't getting it. You're letting your costumes do all the work. It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline. You have to light yourselves on fire!"

Rachel said, "God, she's good."

Shelby went on, "But being theatrical doesn't mean you have to be a nuclear explosion. It can be like…a quiet storm. Just radiate emotion, express what's deep inside you. That's what theatricality it truly about. Do I have to demonstrate? Funny Girl, E-flat."

"Exactly what I would've done. Barbra. I could do it in my sleep."

Shelby was singing, and Rachel walked slowly, her heart racing.

Mercedes whispered, "Where are you going?"

Quinn whispered, "Get back here!"

When Shelby stopped, she looked at Rachel after she said, "Ms Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your sister."

"Did you regret it?"

"Yes, then no, then so much."

"How did you know when to find me? When did you know it was the right time for me to find you?"

"I saw you at Sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me."

"Was it hard for you?"

"It felt like a broken promise. Never heals."

"Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. The way we're sitting right now, it feels so dramatic, yet we seem so comfortable with it."

"I've missed so much. How do you feel?"

"Thirsty. When I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. So I couldn't tell if I was just sad."

"Maybe it wouldn't kill us to…get to know each other a little better."

Rachel smiled and nodded.

In the hallway, Tina said, "I love wearing champagne bubbles. Even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person." The two dunderheads pushed her and Kurt into the lockers.

Kurt shouted, "Excuse me, were you dropped on your heads?"

Karofsky said, "What'd you say?"

"You heard me. Pick on me, that's fine, but don't throw around a girl."

Azimio said, "Come on, Dave. Let's get out of here."

Kurt yelled, "Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!" Tina hung her mouth open in shock.

The girls and Kurt all did a rousing performance of "Bad Romance," whereas the guys performed that classic KISS hit, "Shout it Out Loud." It would've been nice, but Finn didn't want Kurt touching him with a moist towelette.

Kurt asked him, "Do you think you could talk to Azimio and Karofsky without damaging my Gaga outfit?"

"Are you serious?" Finn asked. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends."

"Let them think what they want. They're worse than Neanderthals."

"Don't you get it? It's not just them. We live in Ohio, not New York, not San Francisco or any other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried."

"You are such a boy."

"Don't touch me!"

"What is your problem, Finn? It's just a tiny wet towel!"

Finn told him "I'm gonna go wash this off in the laundry room."

"Get over yourself, Finn!"

The school bell rang and Shelby said to Will, "I know why you called. Don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel's not some kind of plot to mess with all of you before Regionals."

"I'm not worried about Regionals," Will told her. "It's Rachel. She's special. She has all of the best of you. Strong-willed, dramatic, and wildly talented."

"Go on," Shelby smiled.

"But she's not hard like you. She's fragile, emotional, and clearly convinced herself that you're as committed to this reunion as she is. You're not prepared to have a teenage sister, are you?"

"I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important for me to make that bond with her. The kind of bond I never had with my mother. But you're right. I wanted her back. But Rachel's almost an adult now."

"Shelby, you know I can't tell you what to do. But if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me."

Kurt redecorated his bedroom. He said, "I had to skip school to finish it, but I think you're really going to like it." He was walking downstairs with Finn, then turned the lights on. Kurt's room was covered with brown fabric and purple curtains, but when Finn saw it, he was not in the mood to like it. "Consider it a peace offering. It's a perfect blend of mute and theatrical."

"Are you freaking insane? I can't live here. And what the hell is that supposed to be?"

"It's a privacy partition. It's the only one I could find on short notice. Why are you getting angry about this? I worked hard on it."

"I don't want to get dressed in front of you."

"Well, that's why I got it, so no one has to peek."

"You think I don't see? I'm not like you."

"I accepted that."

"You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were gonna move in together?"

"It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate it if you want to!"

"Okay, good. Then the first thing that needs to go is that trashy lamp and these crappy blankets!"

Burt walked downstairs and yelled, "Hey!"

"No, I didn't call him anything."

Kurt said, "Relax, Dad, I didn't take it that way."

"Yeah, that's because you still assume the best in people." Burt glared at Finn. "You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the F words? The N word?"

"No, of course not."

"Yeah? How about 'retard'?"

"No. I'd never call him that. That's cruel."

"But you think it's okay to come into my house and say something like 'faggy'?"

"No."

Burt started to look sad. "What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age?" Poor Kurt looked upset. Burt went on, "You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we just tell him to shake it off. I really thought you were different, Finn. And I thought that being in glee club, being raised by your mom, meant that you were some new generation of dude who just came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't stay here."

"Dad…" Kurt said.

"I love your mom. But my family comes first, and I can't have that kind of poison around. This is our home, Kurt. He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want."

Finn walked upstairs. Burt told Kurt, "This place looks great." He puts his hand on his shoulder and walks upstairs.

Shelby walked to Rachel standing by the piano, "So, how did your dads come up with your name Rachel?"

"They were, um, big fans of Family Matters. I know why you're here. To say goodbye."

"I really enjoyed meeting you."

"Me too. So, what were my real parents like?"

"My dad died sometime after you were born. My mom was just like us—competitive, talented, the no-nonsense type. But she never gave me the time of day, even when Dad was alive."

"I'm guessing you and your mom didn't have the best relationship."

"That's putting it mildly."

"And I'm really sorry about your dad."

"Thank you. Do you know what really turned me? That story you told me about your dads, how they'd bring you water whenever you were sad. I think that anything you and I share right now is…gonna be a lot for you."

"You're my sister."

"Let's just be grateful for one another. Don't think for a second that I'm gonna go soft on you at Regionals."

Rachel chuckled, "That never even crossed my mind." They hugged. "Shelby? Before you go, will you sing with me?"

"I'd be honored." Then they started singing a piano version of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." Shelby smiled at her and said, "You are really, really good." She touched her cheek and shoulder, then walked off. And ever since then, Rachel and Shelby became friends. Well, sort of.

Kurt said to Azimio and Karofsky, "Fine. You want to hit me? Go ahead. But I swear to you I will never change. I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me. So, go ahead, hit me."

Finn said, "You're not hitting anyone."

Azimio spewed, "Is he wearing a red rubber dress?"

Kurt said, "Oh, my God."

Finn went on, "I'm really sorry, Kurt. I want to thank you. I realize I still have a lot to learn. I'm not gonna let anyone lay a hand on you."

Karofsky said, "Really, dude? 'Cause we can take you two."

The others walked behind Finn. Puck said, "Yeah, but can you take all of us?"

Azimio started looking annoyed. He and Karofsky walked off. Totally uninterested.

Rachel took off her sunglasses. "I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks."

Mercedes chuckled, "Well, look at us. We are freaks." They all chuckled.

Finn said, "But we're all freaks together. We shouldn't have to hide it."

Will clapped his hands. "Nice job, Finn. I think you finally figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I planned it. But Mercedes is right. You do all look incredibly insane." They said, "Thank you." He said, "You are so welcome." Rachel giggled and put her sunglasses back on. Will said, "Next stop, Regionals!" They all cheered.

Will walked in his living room and started listing songs for Regionals.

Artie said, "What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester is one of the judges. She's gonna crush us."

"You don't know that."

Santana said, "Yes, we do. She told us at Cheerios practice."

Brittany said, "Yeah, she said she was going to crush glee club."

Puck shook his head, "A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing."

They were all at the theater. Olivia Newton John was judging. So was Josh Groban. Aural Intensity were singing, "You Raise Me Up" and "Magic."

Puck said, "A mash up of Newton John and Groban. Are you kidding me? Somebody tipped them off about the judges."

Will said, "Nine months ago, there were only six of you in this team. Getting here has only been half the fun."

Santana said, "Even though we might not win?"

Will said, "Yes. Besides, we all have something that the other teams don't. Finn's dancing."

Everyone agreed. Finn smiled, but then he looked confused.

Before setting up, Rachel and Finn walked towards each other. Rachel said, "Break a leg." Finn replied, "I love you." Aw. They were all singing, "Faithfully," "Anyway You Want It" with "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'," and finally "Don't Stop Believing." The competition concluded with Vocal Adrenaline singing Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Rachel walked in and said, "Congratulations."

Shelby smiled and said, "Thanks, Rachel."

"I have a proposition for you. Will you come teach at McKinley? You and Mr. Shue could be co-directors. You'd be unstoppable, and there could be so much you could teach me. So many things that only you could teach me."

"Rachel, there's nothing I'd like more than to be near you. But…" She walked. "I'm kind of tired of coaching Glee Club. There's a lot more I want to do with my life. A new apartment, a garden, maybe even a dog… I just don't think that I'm McKinley material, at least not yet."

Rachel nodded. Shelby touched her arm and slid her hand down, then said, "I should've told you when I first laid eyes on you…I love you."

Rachel smiled and nodded. She turned away, tears filling her eyes.

Sue walked in and said, "Newton-John, you're dead to me."

Jay O. Sanders turned around and said, "Sue, if I may. That Bohemian Rhapsody had me moving and shakin'. Old school. Back then nobody was obsessed with labels."

Newton John said, "I for one was offended when only one of the groups sung one of my songs."

Groban said, "How about those New Directions? I liked them. The brunette had a pretty strong voice, and the black girl definitely had some mad pipes."

Newton-John said, "So 2009."

Sue said, "I couldn't agree less."

Olivia went on, "When I was 14, I'd already formed a band. When Josh was 14, he joined the Mickey Mouse Club or something."

Sue said, "Come on, they're just kids. Some of them don't get the opportunities as others."

Newton-John scolded, "Is that what you tell yourself every night?"

Josh said, "You know, I have to admit, I'm a little confused about what Sue's doing in this room. Wasn't tonight suppose to be celebrity judges?"

Sue said, "Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am an international ranked cheerleading coach!"

Newton-John said, "Who lives in Ohio. Josh and I are going to LA, first class."

On stage, Sue announced, "The runners-up are the not-so-stupidly named Aural Intensity!" Cheering occurred. "First place…Vocal Adrenaline!" Everyone cheered and clapped. Confetti fell. Shelby and Jesse hugged. Jay gave Will the third place trophy. Artie said, "We didn't even place."

Emma shouted at Figgins, "How can you call yourself a principal?!"

Figgins said, "Okay, this is it!"

"You're supposed to care about them!" She stormed out. Will walked to her. "Emma, what was that about?"

"Did you know your choir room has already been taken over by the Mock UN?"

"A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma."

"Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where is all that money going? It's going right into her pocket. We can't let her win this one!"

Rachel said, "Mr. Shue. We have something to show you."

Will saw everyone together on stage in the auditorium.

Matt said, "At the beginning of the year, I was just another football player."

Tina said, "I had a fake stutter."

Kurt said, "I wasn't honest about who I was."

Mercedes said, "I was a closeted diva."

Santana said, "I hated everyone in this club."

Brittany said, "So did I."

Mike said, "I was afraid to dance outside my room."

Puck said, "I was tossing kids in dumpsters."

Quinn said, "And I was captain of the Cheerios."

Artie said, "I had never kissed a girl before." He and Tina smile at each other.

Rachel said, "And I was getting Slushied."

Finn said, "I didn't have a father… Someone I could look up to. Someone who showed me what it means to be a man."

Rachel said, "We already won because we had you as a teacher."

Mercedes said, "And glee club will never end, Mr. Shue, because you are glee club. And you're in all of us now."

Will had proud tears in his eyes as they were all singing, "To Sir, With Love."

In the choir room, Sue said, "Looks as barren as I do in here, Will."

Will said, "Did you just come in here to gloat, Sue?"

"Mostly."

"Well, congratulations. You won."

"Well, I know who I felt should've won." In a flashback, Sue wrote in New Directions for first place. "So I had a little talk with Figgins."

"We have another year?"

"I can't stand you most of the time, Will, but you're a good teacher. I admire the work you do with your kids. I really do. Bon chance, William." They shake hands.

"Thank you, Sue."

Later, everyone was seated. Will said, "We've got another year."

Everyone said, "What?"

"Come on, we got another year!"

Everyone clapped and cheered. Rachel ran to Will and hugged him. He got out his guitar and sang an acoustic version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."