"Hey Everybody come on in. Wipe your feet on that brush things before you do." The gang finally made it. Shepard and everyone arrived. Liara comments how beautiful it is. Tali gets excited and pulls Liara away to show her favorite room. Zaeed offers to install booby traps. The prepper in me is tempted, but I want this to be a kid friendly house. Wrex stomps through the house. I worry his weight bended the floor joists. Shepard warns me Wrex's pain killers are making him loopy. Wrex finds the beanbag and says "this looks a good place to kick it." I tried to stop him, but it was already too late. His massive size and weight pop the beanbag, sending tiny pieces of foam all throughout the living room. That is going to be a bitch to clean up. Wrex apologizes.

"It's alright. I'll clean it up. TALI? Come over here show I can teach you how to use the vacuum."

Garrus asks "can you poof it away?"

Shaking my head "Some things are easier to use machines for."

Shepard says "I'm really happy for the both of you. How's life been since you moved in?"

"Amazing. I'm in paradise. Waking up every morning next to her, relaxing on the porch listening to the songbirds. A bit ago we went into town and Tali got a whole new wardrobe. She's thrilled. Legion put an island, an island in our walk-in closet. Talk about fancy."

Grunt asks "if she's got rags, while is she still wearing the suit?"

"Tali wants to surprise everyone at the wedding. By the way we are figuring it out. Governments realize they do not have the authority to say whose love is real. Anyway so far the ceremony is going to be here."

Joker asks "can I officiate?"

I ask him "have you done it before?"

Joker says "lots of time for my friends. Strangely a good way to pick up chicks. Those 75 credits for the registration got me more action than the amount I've spent on drinks."

Edi coughs. Oh, poor thing. Those mechanical lungs must be inflamed. Joker I think you have someone to think of. Joker shuts his eyes, knowing what is coming.

I point behind "dog house is out back."

Shepard asks "they have dogs here?"

"Sadly no. But they have house cats the size of dogs."

Ashely asks "That sounds awesome. I want one. Where did you see that?"

I explain "Roan and Kara. They are a quarian couple we stayed with during our vacation here. By the way, Kara wants all the girls to head over to her place this afternoon."

Kaiden asks "so we are going to have the house to ourselves. Mind if I go explore? I want to get ideas for Cortez. I can tell he's going to be jealous of your kitchen."

"Legion thought of so many things I would never have. A commercial kitchen stove with all those thingies along with all the cooking gadgets I own. Tali is going to be one well fed wife."

Shepard warns me "don't go overboard or she'll get fat."

I said "I wouldn't mind her thickening up as we age, besides Tali had to fast periodically when food was low on the migrant fleet. I'd like her to attempt a dryfast because that raises your vibrations like no other."

Mordin says "you instructed me anything that increases personal density alters molecular resonance. Why would dry fasting do that?"

I explain "when the food is out of the colon, it collapses which can be accomplished with water fasting, but the dry fasting causes rapid fat metabolism for hydrating your cells and giving a huge boost to the brain. It slowly shrinks everything."

Mordin asks "but wouldn't the loss of water make you less dense?"

The smart amphibian is quick witted "Yes but at a slower rate than the vibration increases so it is a net positive. Wait, where is Javik?"

Ashley smirks "enjoying himself."

I ask "what is that supposed to mean?"

Shepard explains "well after you left, we've been very busy. Debriefs and all, then when things settled down, we've been on so many morning news and late nights shows. Javik developed a fanbase of hanars and is being worshiped like a god."

I laugh "He's a master bullshitter, I wonder what he is telling them. Is he going to make it to the wedding?"

Shepard says "We told him he better be here."

I ask "is he mad we let the Reapers live?"

Shepard answers "yeah he's pissed about that but finds comfort in the Reapers living in eternal fear."

I ask "how is what's left of the council?"

Shepard smiles "angered to high hell. I'm taking full advantage of my spectre status and get whatever I want for free. They hate it but I don't care. They think they need me. Imagine how scared they are knowing I'm here and not at the doomsday button ready."

I pat Shepard's shoulder "good for you. You've been through alot now you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor."

Shepard asks "would you mind if we made it a double wedding?"

"Shepard… I waited thousands of years for this. Now I can have a wedding at my house on my fiancé's homeworld."

Shepard nods his head "alright, I thought I'd give it a shot."

I ask "are you two having a human wedding or whatever asari do?"

Shepard says "Asari style. A special ritual to establish a deeper mental link."

I ask "is there a ceremony?"

Shepard explains "the ritual is private, but we'll have a feast afterwards."

"Neat." I'll have to cater.

Garrus yells from the kitchen "STOP THAT!" SMACK!

Joker yells "OW! What the hell is that for?"

Edi says "it's rude to take food that doesn't belong to you."

Joker says "don't treat me like a child."

Garrus says "you're forgetting everything here isn't edible for humans."

Joker curses "shit I forgot. Damn. Everything looks so good. Sucks, I can't have it."

Garrus says "now you know how I felt all those years on the Normandy."

I tell Garrus "try whatever you like. Don't know if it is safe for turians so best of luck."

Garrus says "turian stomachs are very acidic life your earth vultures. I'll be fine."

Wrex raises his fist "See! Told you he's a bird. Those chicken legs give it away."

I play along "Seeds are in the pantry."

Garrus in his annoyance squawks (kinda).

Liara comes back with Tali. The blue one standing next to the purple one says "This place is amazing. You and Tali will make this a home, but the house is spectacular."

I'm going to take excellent care of our gift and appreciate it every day "I know. Where I am from, I would never have been able to afford this."

Shepard says "Really? Even my great Aunt has a place around this size."

I remind Shepard "In my world, the older generation thought having another comma for their net worth was more important than the quality of life for their kids."

Liara comments "I will never stop being surprised by the foolishness of your people."

I tell her "That's why consequences exist. They got their ass's bitten and acted surprised when it came knocking."

Grunt asks "How are we going to split up the bed situation?"

I suggest "Girls on top guys on bottom."

Ashley comments "like nature intended."

Gawh!

Ashley shakes her head "will you ever stop being a prude?"

"I'm just being funny."

Wrex asks "Speaking of which, How's the tango without the cargo shorts?"

I ask "that what?"

Shepard explains "I think he means the dance with no pants."

"Ohhh… Still making me wait but she's been less strict. If we keep a layer. Ashley, cover Grunt's ears, she'll whisper whisper whisper."

Ashley says "The fire is going to be worth the wait."

Manly grunts "Sexual fire is the best fire. If men conquered that instead of forest fires, we'd progress a lot farther."

Shepard informs me "Jack, Jacob, and Miranda apologized for not being able to come here, but they will come for the wedding. They promised."

Grunt asks "We still haven't figured out the bed situation. I don't want to sleep on the floor."

I offer, in an annoyed tone "I'll make more mattresses and give you two if you behave. Grouchy much? This isn't how I raise you."

Grunt replies "sorry. My girlfriend broke up with me and it's been rough."

"Whoa whoa whoa. You got a girlfriend? That feels like pedophilia. Grunt, did someone take advantage of you? I'll get a doll and you can show me where she touched you. Let me call Chris Hansen."

Grunt says "Says the 5,000 year old getting married to someone not even 30. I should have known better. She was a turian and used me as her boytoy until she cut it off when her mate came back from the war."

Betrayal sickens me "Grunt that is horrible. You don't want to be exchanging vibes with those types of people."

Grunt argues "she was hot though."

…

"Don't make it a habit. You don't want your vibe default to lower. Find a nice krogan lady."

Grunt says "Doubt they make and besides, I'm scared to. After seeing what Wrex is dealing with, I might want an asari instead."

I joke "Maybe Shepard and Liara can pop you your future wife."

Shepard shuts down that idea.

Ashley teases "a lot can happen in a thousand years."

Shepard turns to Grunt "I expressly forbid it."

Grunt surrenders "I'm not fighting with the man who took down a reaper using Kalros."

I ask "so now what?"

Kaiden says "It's your house. Do whatever you want."

…

…

…

"Do you guys want to play uno?"

While the boys and my soon to be husband have their fun, us gals are going to plan my wedding at Kara's house. Cortez gives me the keycard to the shuttle. I'm going to have to get my own skycar. It's so beautiful to drive over these mountains and trees. There are so many areas I want to hike to. ********* would love to build a log cabin near that pond. We talked about it and my father and aunty Rann can live with us after we enjoy my honeymoon. Having a whole home to ourselves seems selfish and I want to stay close to my family, and have babysitters for date night, but that means we'll need a little getaway for when I want to be free to make noise.

Ashley comments "I wonder what it would be like to drive through the trees. ********* says his people did it all the time."

I ask "wouldn't they be scared of the trees falling over."

Edi says "his people's technological level did not rise to personal flying vehicles."

I reply "must be why he loves flying without a skycar."

Liara says "Taylor is going to kick herself for missing this."

I ask "where is she anyway?"

Ashley explains "she left to be with her family."

I whimper "Ancestors, I liked her. She was like the new Kelly."

Liara says "except Taylor didn't marry a batarian."

Ashley double takes "girl did what?"

I comment "I knew she was a xenophile, but that seems extreme."

Liara says "I can understand it. I like their eyes, but their ways were harsh."

Ashley asks "you think batarians are hot?"

Liara explains "I do not think hot would be the right word. Maybe it's the pureblood in me. Their black eyes are similar to when we meld."

Edi asks "can we put on some music?"

I permit Edi to mess with the radio. The robotic lifeform in the passenger seat scans the long wave region of the electromagnetic spectrum. She puts on something with words in my language.

Ashley asks "This doesn't sound like the normal station."

The realization hits me "This is my people's song. It's in my language. I want to hear more."

Ashley says "I didn't know you were a music lover. You and ********* should plan a date and go see a concert."

I almost hit a tree "A concert! Ancestors there is so much I can finally do here!"

Liara chuckles "welcome to civilization."

We flew the rest of the way listening to the music of my kind. I'm going to have to ask Kara what songs these were and how we can get them to play at our house. We pull into their airspace. It looks like Roan is pushing some kind of cart which makes the grass lighter in color with parallel lines. He points over by his forge. I carefully park behind his shed and walk up to the house, but before we do, Roan takes a pair of gloves off, welcoming me with a hug. Ancestors, he smells so bad and what is the solution on his clothes? Is this sweat? I try to focus on the scent of the freshly cut small plants. Roan tells me to meet Kara and his daughters at the house. He'll be in soon. Roan waves to the aliens and the motorizes cart with a carrying bag roars to live, scaring the crap out of me. Ashley and Liara mock how terrified I am of a lawn mower. I'm making ********* do the yardwork.

I'm about to knock when the door behind the screen door opens. Kara welcomes me and my friends into her home. One of the older daughters from before is here and someone new. I assume her older sister based on the resemblance, but genetics can be weird. My thoughts disappear as I smell something incredible.

Kara says "I know you were coming and baked you a treat. I hope you like muffins."

"I never had those before, but they always looked so good!"

Kara says "eat as many as you like."

Ashley and Edi thank Kara and her family for inviting us to their home. Kara and her daughters look confused. My sensitive ears overhear the unfamiliar family member tell her sister "I can't believe we have aliens in our house and one of them is a robot."

I remind Ashley and Edi "they can't understand you. They don't have universal translators."

Liara sets her bag on the counter, opening the front pocket to reveal an antique box. Inside are a dozen over the earpieces. Liara pulls out a set, turning them on. A bright blue glow appears.

Ashley asks "what are those?"

Liara explains "they are universal translators. We used these to communicate with your kind before you developed your own implants."

Ashley asks "how does it work?"

Liara explains "it mimics my people's mind melding capabilities allowing for thought transfer."

Ashley says "so basically *********'s allspeak."

Liara says "I-... yes."

Liara hands them to everyone, allowing them to hear us. Introductions are conducted properly this time, but my stomach demands to end idle chit chat. The muffins are begging to enter my mouth. I have to get out of this suit before I drown in my own salvia. I'm about to pull off my visor, much to the shock of Liara, Ashley, and Edi.

Ashley asks "are you sure?"

I ask "why wouldn't I be?"

Liara asks "isn't showing your face a huge deal in your culture?"

I explain "It is and I trust all of you. Besides last time I was here I was out of the suit. It's not like I'm going to live in this suit for the rest of my life and I need your help picking out a dress, makeup, anything to make ********* think, I'll be his forever."

Kara asks "have you never seen her face before?"

Edi says "Never."

Kara says "well you three are in for a surprise. She is almost as beautiful as I was when at her age."

The vacuum seals securing my visor to the headpiece release. I turn around, not permitting my friends to see me until I have removed everything above the neck. My long straight black as night hair freely falls behind my shoulders. Quickly scrape off the eye crusts that build up. I'm overcome with the jitters. I take a deep breath in, quickly spin around, and reveal my true self to my friends. Edi, unsurprisingly maintains her stoic composure. Liara covers her mouth as Ashely's drops. The artificial lifeform breaks the silence "your facial features are pleasingly symmetrical."

Ashley says "Now I see why ********* is infatuated with you."

Liara tells me "you are beautiful."

I ask "really? I am? I don't feel beautiful."

Kara tells me "sugar, a face like that can give dentist cavities."

I ask "is that a good thing?"

Ashley says "I think I lost my spot as the prettiest one on the Normandy. When we put you in white dress, ******** might have a heart attack."

Liara asks me "is there anything in particular you want?"

I say "I want ********* to remove a veil. What should I do with my hair?"

Ashley says "I can show you how to curl it, maybe a wavy hairstyle will fit you better."

Kara hands us pictures of her bonding ceremony. She looks younger than me and is so beautiful. Her hair is decorated with 6 white beads spaced equally apart. I tap the photograph "I need this."

Liara asks "would you like flowers?"

I accidentally shout "No, I don't want to kill them. They look so pretty."

Ashely and Liara back up "ok ok. We can get fake ones anyways."

My stomach grumbles and head swivels to the muffins. There is this strange substance on the bottom. Kara notices my hesitation "it's called a wrapper. Peel it off then bite into the treat." I follow her instructions. A thin layer of flavored carbohydrates pulls away with the wrapper. I feel so sad I'm wasting so much food, but this is a special occasion. My tongue can't resist and tried to eat the whole thing in one mouthful. Obviously, I can't but my mouth is determined to make it happen.

Liara, who is momentarily mesmerized by her friend stuffing her face with copious amounts of food "wow slow down."

I tell her "No! I need to eat. I'm too skinny and want to look good in the wedding photos."

Ashley says "you are like the only bride who intentionally gains weight for a wedding."

Liara asks me "at least pace yourself. We don't want you getting a hurt stomach before your wedding."

I argue "but everything is so good."

Kara says "glad to hear our girl isn't a picky eater."

Ashley says "you should taste the gunk she's had to eat all her life. Looks like blue toothpaste. Yuck!"

Tali says "I realize I need a toothbrush, and toothpaste."

Ashley says "we'll focus on that later. Now. I'm sending over tons of wedding guides and dresses. We are going to make your wedding perfect."

I tell them "wedding planning AND muffins? This couldn't get any better."

Garrus asks "does it normally take this long?"

I said "This is literally the longest game ever."

Grunt says "I basically have an entire deck for a hand."

Wrex asks "My new arm is getting rusty. How long has it been?"

Shepard cries "THREE HOURS!"

Kaiden begs "this needs to end."

Joker says "just give it a bit. I'm down to 7 cards."

Cortez says "this is the fourth time you've said this."

Even with my immortal perception of time, this is nuts. "5 more rounds and whoever has the least number of cards wins."

5 rounds later…

Garrus wins. Thank Source it's finally over.