Chapter 57
Regrets
George sat quietly next to Harry's bed. He had stayed all night watching over him.
Fred had gone back to the shop about an hour after they'd arrived. He understood that George couldn't leave Harry. He'd told him that he could handle the shop on his own and to call if anything changed.
George hadn't talked to any of the other's. Sirius and Remus had sat with Harry until midnight, and then Pomfrey had shooed them off to sleep. He thought she had asked if he wanted to as well, but he just couldn't bring himself to leave Harry.
He thought about the last time he had seen him. Harry had been so upset and scared. But mostly he had been resigned by the time he had left. It was a look he had seen over and over on Harry. Resigned to go back to the Dursley's. Resigned to head off to another detention with Umbridge. Resigned to a 'lesson' with Snape.
Harry had so little say in his life. He was just shuffled from one bad situation to the next. He wished he had just kept Harry. Let him stay in there flat. Let him be the shop mascot like they had talked about. Surely it would have been better than letting him go back to Snape and Malfoy.
He sighed. They hadn't talked about his condition yet. He wasn't even sure what Harry had done. The bandages on his arms gave him a fairly good idea though. He wondered if Snape had found out about Harry's cutting beforehand. He'd been ripped to shreds the last time he had seen him.
George raised a hand and ran it through his hair.
He caught sight of movement out of the corner of his eye and turned. Snape was standing there holding out a cup of what smelled like coffee.
George nodded and took it.
"Where's your brother?" Snape asked quietly.
"Home." George said softly.
Snape nodded and walked to the other side of the bed. He raised his wand over Harry. A parchment appeared and George held his breath. He waited as Snape read it.
"What does it say?" George asked quietly.
Snape sighed and folded the parchment before putting it in his pocket.
"Nothing has changed." Snape said softly before he took a seat.
George set the coffee by the leg of his chair and put his head in his hands.
George heard some shuffling and looked up to see Remus and Sirius coming into the wing. He looked away. He was angry with all of them. Harry needed help and they finally had the opportunity to do that, and they had all let him down.
"Morning." Remus said softly as they reached the end of the bed.
George just nodded but did not look up.
"I've a few things I need to do. Why don't you all go get some breakfast." Pomfrey said softly as she joined them around Harry's bed.
George's hands clenched. He didn't want breakfast and he didn't want to leave Harry.
"Of course, Poppy." Snape said standing from his seat.
George glanced up and noticed they were all staring at him. He sighed and stood.
He took a step closer to Harry. He'd never seen him like this. His hair was long, and his features were a little different. He'd quickly guessed that Harry was a metamorphmagus. It didn't really surprise him that Harry had also hidden this from them. Metamorphmagus were rare and Harry hated being the center of attention.
George reached down and gently brushed Harry hair out of his face a little.
"I'll be back." George said softly before following the other's out of the wing.
Sirius took a seat across from the hospital wing doors. He and Remus had eaten a little this morning before they had floo'd back to Hogwarts. He had no intention of going anywhere else. Everyone seemed to be of the same mind.
Remus sat next to him, and Severus leaned against the wall next to the doors. George slid down the wall and sat on the floor on the other side of the doors. His head in his hands.
Sirius studied George. He began to consider his behavior for a moment. He'd stayed all night and hadn't said a word to them. He'd even stayed after they had left. He thought about the way he had just brushed Harry's hair out of his face and the soft mumble he had spoken.
He hadn't been able to hear what George had said.
A suspicion began to niggle at the back of his mind. He gently tapped Remus' hand and then nodded towards George.
Remus raised a confused eyebrow before he looked at the boy on the floor.
"I think George might have been who Harry was talking about the other night." Sirius whispered softly.
Remus glanced back and shrugged a little.
"Possibly." Remus whispered back.
Sirius jaw set and he felt irrational anger build in his veins. The Weasley's were good people. George was older then Harry, but not by so much that it should bother him. However, What Harry had said was still circling in his mind.
'I'm not supposed to tell.'
He also thought of everything Harry had been through. If George had been abusing Harry or even just manipulating him Sirius might be going back to Azkaban with only having had one real day of freedom.
Sirius hand's balled and he took another deep breath to steady himself.
"George?" Sirius called.
George's head raised and Sirius could see just how exhausted he looked.
"Are you sleeping with Harry?" Sirius deadpanned.
Sirius could hear the exasperated sigh from Remus. He knew that Remus would have approached the subject slower, but Sirius wasn't that person. He wanted the answer to his question. He didn't want to dance around it for an hour.
Snape stepped away from the wall and looked over at George as well.
George's face morphed from shock to rage in a matter of seconds.
"Excuse me!?" George growled, standing up.
Sirius also stood despite Remus pulling on his sleeve.
"You heard me." Sirius said, anger seeping into his words.
"How dare you!" George yelled.
"Of course not!" George added. His hand's balling into fists.
Sirius just stared for a moment. The tension in the hall was thick.
"Harry told me that he had kissed someone. When I asked who he said, he wasn't supposed to tell. When I asked if he was sleeping with this person he refused to answer. Now here you are glued to his sick bed." Sirius growled.
George rolled his eyes and sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"I told Harry not to tell Fred. Not that he couldn't tell anyone. I just didn't want Fred giving me a hard time. Harry can be very literal. Just to be clear, he and I are not dating." George explained.
Sirius studied George longer.
"Harry said he was drunk." Sirius shot back.
George's shoulders fell and he looked at the floor.
"Yes, we both were. Nothing really happened. I kissed him on impulse, and he got upset. I apologized and we talked for a while. He started talking about how dirty he was, and I just wanted to show him that he wasn't. I asked to kiss him again." George said softly.
Sirius felt his heart clench. Harry wasn't dirty.
"Harry blushed when I asked if he had slept with this person." Sirius said. He wasn't quite convinced that this situation was as innocent as George was explaining it.
George's jaw clenched and he stepped closer to Sirius.
"Do you have any idea the level of hell that kid has been through? Do you have any idea the kind of damage I have healed on his body?" George growled, stepping closer.
"Harry slept in my bed the night he ran away. We didn't have sex. I would never. He wanted comfort. Something he has had so little of that he doesn't even know how to react when he does get it." George seethed.
Sirius felt his stomach clench.
"Fred and I debated every summer about telling someone what was happening. Telling someone that they needed to get Harry out of there before they killed him. Do you know why we didn't?" George asked, anger and pain etched heavily on his face.
Sirius held his breath and shook his head.
"Because we didn't want this to happen!" George angerly waved his hand at the hospital wing door.
"Harry is terrified of people knowing about his past. We worried we would tell, and nothing would happen. Everyone would know and nothing would change. He was afraid of that too. That if he told, he would be told it didn't matter. That he didn't matter. You all dug and dug and dug into his life but what have you done to help him? He's not with them anymore, sure. But that was because of Harry, not you. If Harry hadn't left when he did, they would have killed him." George spat.
Waves of guilt crashed over Sirius.
"We trusted that you would help him." George said, waving his arm at all three of them.
"But you didn't. We told him to trust you. Told him that maybe this time things would be better." George said as tears started to run down his face.
"I'll have to live with that. Live with the fact that we told. Live with the fact that we convinced him to trust you guys." George said over a choked sob.
"And for what? This?" George said waving back at the hospital wing before collapsing against the wall again.
Sirius' whole body was shaking with adrenaline. George was right. They'd let Harry down.
Sirius walked back to his seat and just sat with that thought circling in his mind. They had let Harry down.
Severus floo'd home late in the day. He'd stayed with Harry most of the day. After the standoff between Sirius and George there hadn't been much more said. Severus had already been feeling guilty that he'd broken Harry's trust and that he had let Harry down. George's words had been like a stake to the heart.
George had been able to see what the rest of them hadn't. Just how broken Harry was and just how close to the edge he had been.
Draco appeared in the doorway of the sitting room, holding Edgar.
"He finally came home." Draco said softly, petting the cat.
Severus nodded.
They hadn't seen the cat at all last night when they'd come home.
"I think he was looking for Harry." Draco said softly.
Severus' lips pinched a little and he nodded.
"How was your lesson with Professor McGonagall?" Severus asked.
He'd brought Draco to the school with him but had left him with Minerva under the guise of tutoring. In all Honesty he just wanted someone to keep an eye on him, and didn't think sitting in the hospital wing all day was probably good for Draco.
"It was fine." Draco said with a shrug.
Severus nodded.
"I'll start dinner shortly." Severus said.
Draco nodded and a moment later Severus heard his soft footsteps going up the stairs.
Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Today had been unbelievably stressful.
He made his way into his office and over to his desk. He frowned at a book sitting on top of his paperwork. It was muggle and appeared to be some kind of cookbook.
Severus picked it up and flipped it over in his hand. It didn't look even vaguely familiar.
His finger ran along the pages, and he noticed that there was a gap, as if there were a bookmark.
Severus opened the book to the marked page and felt his breath stick in his chest.
The recipe was some sort of dessert displayed in a glass cup.
'Chia seed pudding' the title read.
The notes down the side were in Harry's messy scrawl.
Snape,
I had a thought the other day. I think chia seeds may be the missing step in your Vampire nutrition potion (Blood replacement).
I've made this recipe before. Chia seeds will get very thick and gooey when you get them wet. (They can even stick to a surface and grow). I think this will help thicken your potion while adding significant nutrition, importantly iron, which obviously blood is very rich in. The blurb on the side says some of the other benefits.
Also, I think, it might work better with two Dragon thistle instead of Scottish thistle. Maybe. I don't know. I'm not particularly good with potions.
Thank you for everything you did for me. Sorry I didn't say goodbye. Hope this helps with your potion.
Harry.
Severus sat heavily in his chair and stared at the book. Was this it? Was this what Harry had left?
He reread the last line several times and swallowed hard. He hoped it wasn't a goodbye. He hoped the boy would wake up. That he might have another chance.
He closed the book for now. He couldn't think about potions at the moment. Harry was a genius. He was sure that he was right. After what he'd done with the werewolf purging potion, Severus wouldn't doubt Harry had solved another unsolvable problem.
Severus sighed as he set the book down. He needed to make dinner for Draco. Black and Lupin would be coming to the house in a few hours. They were going to go through Harry's things and his room. Severus had found his shrunken bag in the pocket of the pants he'd been wearing. He'd cast cleaning charms on it to clean the blood off. When he had returned last night he had put it in his desk with Harry's money and essay's.
Last night had been very difficult when they had returned. He'd instructed Draco to stay in the sitting room as he cleaned up the blood in Harry's room and moved the cat's dishes out into the hall.
Remus stepped into the sitting room of Spinners End. He'd left Sirius at home. After his blow up on George, Remus had suggested he leave this to him. Pomfrey had eventually convinced George to take a nap. He'd kipped on one of the hospital beds for a few hours and eventually had gone back to sitting at Harry's bedside.
Poppy was going to take the night shift again and promised to call if anything changed with his condition.
Remus nose wrinkled at the smell in the house. He could tell Severus had used cleaning charms to clean up Harry's blood, but the stench was still powerful to his sensitive nose.
"I've already been through his room." Severus said softly from the doorway.
Remus nodded. He was thankful. He didn't know if he could handle going in there.
He followed Severus across the hall and into his office.
Severus pulled out his desk chair and motioned for Remus to sit in the armchair across from him.
"I found this on my desk." Severus said softly, holding out a book.
Remus' brow creased as he took the book and flipped it open. His heart clenched at the words Harry had written.
"Do you think this is all will find?" Remus asked.
Severus sighed and shrugged his shoulder.
"I'm not sure." Severus finally said.
"I didn't find much in his room. His knife, a flask, packet of cigarettes and a lighter. They're all sitting on my desk. I have the money he retrieved from the bank as well." Severus explained, pointing to his desk.
"He paid back everyone who had helped him." Severus said softly.
Remus felt tears sting at his eyes. Harry was the sweetest person he'd ever met. He thought about everyone before he even considered himself. Even the note in the book was in aid of others.
Remus nodded and wiped his eyes.
Severus resized Harry's bag and pulled out the trunk. He handed Remus the bag and began working on the locking spells on the trunk.
Remus peered into the bag.
He pulled out James' cloak and the map. He retrieved a small handful of pencils and pens and a sketchbook but there wasn't anything else in there.
He put the map, cloak and writing supplies away and opened the sketchpad on his lap.
Remus was amazed at the detail in Harry's sketches. They were wonderful. He'd drawn the Burrow, Hogwarts, and the train. The next drawings weren't places he knew but suspected they were places around Cokeworth. There was a pond and some trees. There was a sketch of the motel and of the little bookshop.
Again, Remus was amazed at the detail he had put into the drawings. They must have taken him days to complete.
There was a sketch of Hedwig, then one of Edgar playing in the grass that made Remus smile.
When he flipped the page, he was surprised to find himself. Not alone but an image of himself, Sirius, and Harry. It looked like the drawing was of someone looking at a portrait of some kind in an ornate frame.
He furrowed his brows and held the sketch pad up for Severus to see.
"Do you know what this is?" Remus asked.
Severus glanced up and the pain that flashed across his face was almost palpable.
"He's looking into the mirror of Erised." Severus said softly.
Remus looked back down at the picture and frowned. He wondered when Harry had seen the old mirror. It hurt him deeply that what Harry wanted most was to be with them.
He flipped the page and found a drawing of lightning hitting a tree.
The next page was of Mary, the owner of the bookshop. She was smiling slightly as she looked down at a book in her lap. The background didn't look like the bookshop and Remus wondered where Harry had set the drawing.
He flipped through several other drawings of people. He had drawn the twins as well as Ron and Hermione. There was an impressive one of Severus looking down at a cauldron. Harry had done an excellent job capturing his expression. There was a small smile on his lips. It was a satisfied look. Remus had seen that look on Severus before when his potion had come out perfect.
The next few were more basic. The quidditch pitch, a classroom, The Black Lake.
There were only a few pages left and as he flipped the page he gasped. Harry had drawn himself covered in what Remus could only assume was blood, given that it was a black and white drawing. He was kneeling over another person also covered in blood. Remus guessed that this was the man he had killed at Madam Bones' house.
Harry's head was tipped down and he was staring at his hands.
Remus knew this pose well. It was the pose of questioning one's humanity. Remus had found himself in that position plenty of times. Usually after a full moon when he'd shift back covered in his own blood or that of some animal he'd mauled in the forest.
He'd always feared killing someone else. He made the marauders promise to keep each other safe when they would go out with him. He feared one day he would see Prongs as prey. Or that Padfoot would look like competition. Wormtail was so small it was a miracle none of them had ever stepped on him. Though perhaps that might have saved them from the grief that came with what he had done.
Remus stared at the sketch for a long time before he flipped the page.
This one broke his heart as well.
It was the Dementor that had appeared in the bathroom. It loomed ominously and Remus quickly flipped the page.
This last one was a self-portrait. Harry in base form. There wasn't any background. It was just him.
Remus sighed looking at his son. He hoped he would see him awake again.
He flipped the last page and squinted at some small writing in the corner of the cardboard back of the sketchbook.
"Rick trick." Remus mumbled.
"Did you find something?" Severus asked.
Remus shrugged.
"Harry wrote on the back of the sketchbook. It says the same thing he was mumbling after he ran across the Boggart. Does it mean anything to you?" Remus asked, holding out the book.
Severus took it and looked at the scratchy writing.
"Rick trick? No, it doesn't mean anything to me." Severus said shaking his head.
He handed the sketchbook back and Remus put it back in Harry's bag.
"Finally." Severus sighed as there was an audible click from the trunk.
"Harry had some serious wards on his trunk." Severus said with a sigh.
Remus furrowed his brow. Sirius had said that Harry's trunk had been nearly empty when they'd gone through it before.
Severus flipped it open and began pulling out clothing. Remus was saddened to see how little Harry really had. These clothes were better than what he'd been wearing, but they were still not great and there were very few of them.
Remus brow furrowed as Severus pulled out a black short sleeve shirt.
"Can I see that?" Remus said.
Severus nodded and held out the shirt.
Remus held it up and frowned. It was Sirius's. They knew Harry had taken his shirts, but they'd thought Harry had sent them all back. The front was one Remus knew well. It was Sirius' Pink Floyd, Darkside of the moon shirt. He wondered why Harry had kept this one. Then he noticed the small hole at the bottom.
There were large scratches all over the side that had been stitched back together.
"He wore it the other day." Severus said casually as he began to pull out school supplies.
"It's Sirius' shirt. I think Harry might have been wearing it when he got all the road rash." Remus said pointing to the stitching.
It matched where Harry had been torn up.
Severus nodded and went back to what he was doing.
Remus shook his head and set the shirt aside.
Severus grumbled.
"What's wrong?" Remus asked, trying to look into the trunk.
"Harry has parchment sticking out of almost every one of these books." Severus said holding one up.
There were little papers sticking out at odd angles.
"Do you think we should go through them?" Remus asked.
He was intrigued but also hesitant. As George had pointed out, they had already dug into Harry's privacy a lot. He wanted to know what had led to this, but not at the risk of causing Harry more distress when he woke up. Going through his trunk was enough of a breach of privacy.
Though a necessary one. Harry had taken potions and alcohol, that they hadn't been aware he had. They needed to make sure there was nothing in his trunk that could cause further damage.
Severus sighed.
"I think if we keep it surface level it should be fine." Severus said.
Remus raised an eyebrow.
"We'll both go through the books. If it's just notes, just let it go. If you find a letter will take a look. Perhaps he learned something upsetting. Keep an eye out for that as well. None of these books look dark but maybe one of them is. Dark Arts books can be insidious." Severus trailed off.
Remus nodded. He was well aware of the problem with Dark Arts books. He'd read enough of them in the pursuit of a cure.
Severus rubbed at his dry eyes. They'd been going through Harry's books for well over an hour now. Every book had some kind of notes in it. Even the novels. It was slightly maddening.
Some of the notes were written in code that neither of them could read and they'd set those books aside.
"Nothing." Remus mumbled as he put down the last of the books.
"Is there anymore?" Remus asked stretching his back.
Severus nodded.
"This section of his trunk is empty, but it looked like there were more buried down at the bottom." Severus said.
Remus nodded and held out his hand.
Severus reached into the bottom and pulled out the stack.
Reading the cover of the first book let him know these were likely the books Remus had just given Harry. The top one was on human development. He groaned slightly. He certainly wasn't embarrassed by the topic. He'd had to have a number of conversations with children over the years. Including Draco, who like many purebloods, had been uninformed.
However, He wasn't sure he wanted to read Harry's personal notes on the subject. That did feel like a breach of privacy.
These books didn't look like they had notes, but some of the others didn't look like it from the outside either.
Severus sighed and handed Remus half the stack.
Remus sighed.
Severus began flipping through the first book. There wasn't anything in it. It didn't even look like Harry had opened it yet. He wondered if Harry had opened any of them.
The next book had a small note in the table of contents that just said, 'ask Remus to burn'.
Severus snorted and held out the book to Remus.
"Find something?" Remus asked.
"Just teen angst." Severus said.
Remus took the book and rolled his eyes after reading the note. He closed the book and added it to the pile that he'd already been through.
Severus opened the next book. It was clear that Harry had read this one. The pages were slightly bent. Severus thumbed through and stopped when he came across a page that was heavily wrinkled. It almost looked like it had nearly been ripped from the book.
Severus also noticed some dried water spots.
Severus' eyes read quickly over the page. The further down he read the tighter his jaw clenched.
"Did you give this to Harry?" Severus growled.
Remus looked up and glanced at the book.
"Yeah, I think I got it in the shop in London. The shop owner pointed it out. Said it was well rated." Remus said with a shrug.
Severus shoved the book at Remus, opened to the wrinkled page.
"I'm assuming this wasn't the message you were trying to send." Severus growled.
Remus took the book and read the page. Severus could see his grip on the book getting tighter and tighter.
Remus flipped through the rest of the book, before he slammed it closed.
"Dammit." Remus cursed.
"I should have read through them." Remus said softly.
Severus nodded.
"I imagine Harry got a pretty negative impression from that. He already blames himself for what was done to him. Especially, what has happened since he was a teen." Severus said.
"I know." Remus said softly.
"Do you…Do you think that's why this happened?" Remus asked.
Severus took a deep breath and considered for a moment. He was sure this hadn't helped.
"I think I may be to blame." Severus said quietly.
"Harry wasn't unconscious when I found him. Though he was already fading. He mumbled something. He was calling for Lily… Calling for his mum. I think you were probably right. I shouldn't have taken him. I just… I thought at the time I was doing something good for him. He seemed so broken up when he learned that I knew where they were buried. Perhaps it should have waited." Severus sighed.
He focused on his hands. He was too ashamed to look into Remus' face.
Remus sighed and Severus eventually looked up.
"Harry always wanted to know more about them. Our patronus lessons often ended with stories. I don't think you did the wrong thing. I think Harry was struggling with a lot of big things that he didn't know how to cope with. These past few days just finally pushed him over the edge." Remus replied.
Severus nodded, though the guilt still swam in his stomach.
They quietly worked through the rest of Harry's trunk and found nothing surprising.
When everything was neatly tucked back in, Severus shrunk the trunk and put it back in Harry's bag.
"I can't stop thinking about what George said." Remus said, breaking the silence.
Severus' lips pinched tightly, and he nodded.
"We should have done more. I'm not sure what that should have looked like but clearly what we did wasn't the right thing." Severus responded.
"I should have started counseling him. I kept thinking it would be easier if I just waited until he was with us. It was only going to be a couple of weeks. We could have met at the school though. Or come here. Something." Remus murmured.
Severus sighed and nodded. Remus was right. That probably would have been for the best. Harry seemed to have good days and bad. The bad days had been really bad though. Harry had run away from the house twice. He'd hurt himself at least twice since coming to stay. There had been drinking and smoking and possibly even drug use.
Everything about the boy's behavior had screamed 'Help me'. They just hadn't listened.
Severus swallowed thickly.
The visions were another major factor. He'd had several of them this summer. He'd been shown truly horrendous things.
Severus shook the thoughts from his head.
"How will you proceed once he's awake?" Severus asked.
Remus got a pained look and Severus knew that they were both thinking the same thing. It wasn't a matter of when he would wake up but if. And if he did, would he be the same.
Remus cleared his throat and looked across the room.
"It will depend on a lot of different factors. How he recovers and how long his recovery takes will be big in deciding how we move forward. He'll need to be monitored very closely for a while. During that period, I will attempt to assess his risk of a future attempt. A lot of things will have changed in his life when he wakes up, and those things may change how he is coping." Remus answered.
"He won't be living here with you anymore. Nor will he be living with Draco. Those two things alone will be big changes from how things have been recently. I'm not sure if those changes will be positive or not. He won't have a peer anymore, or the town he has become a part of. My home is in the middle of nowhere. He's also never lived with us before, and I think it will take some time for him to adjust to. Especially because of what has come to light about our relationship to Harry." Remus said trailing off a little.
"Sirius talked to him a bit about it on Saturday. Harry is still really struggling with us being his parents. He feels abandoned by us." Remus said in a near whisper.
Severus nodded. He knew Harry was struggling with how he felt about them. He wondered if it would improve over time. He hoped for Harry's sake that things got better. Harry deserved to have a good relationship with a guardian.
"Are you concerned about his relationship with George?" Severus asked.
The whole blow up in the hall outside the hospital wing was a lot. Severus was relieved to know that Harry hadn't fallen in with someone in town or was being taken advantage of by someone. However, that didn't mean there was no concern.
Severus had been surprised to hear that Harry had slept in George's bed with him the night that he'd spent away. George seemed fairly adamant that nothing had happened. However, Black had made it sound like Harry had really blown up over the whole situation.
"I'm not concerned. The twins are clearly the only ones who have really ever given Harry what he needed. They gave him help and safety when he didn't feel he had anywhere else to turn. I might bring it up with Harry later on but for now I'm not worried. I think at worst it was a little teenage experimenting." Remus said, shrugging his shoulder a little.
Severus nodded. It wasn't his place to comment on the situation. He wasn't the boy's parent, and as of yesterday he wasn't the boy's guardian either.
Still, he felt protective of him. He would continue to protect Harry anyway he could. Even if the boy no longer trusted him to do so.
"I should go. Sirius has not been handling this well. I can't say I'm doing much better, but he has a harder time regulating." Remus said quietly.
Severus nodded and stood.
He collected the knife, flask, cigarettes, lighter, and money from his desk and held them out to Remus.
Remus hesitated for a moment before he took the items and put them in his pocket.
"These are Harry's essays. I asked for them when he first came here. I…I thought he had lied when he told me they were done." Severus admitted.
"They're some of the best works I've ever read. Most of them are easily mastery level." Severus said softly, handing the stack of essays to Remus.
Remus bit his lip and Severus could see tears shining in his eyes.
Severus waved his wand, and a small box came flying into the room from somewhere.
Severus stared at it for a long moment.
"These are gift's for Harry. The people in Cokeworth wanted to give him a few things. There are gifts in there from Draco and I as well." Severus said, attempting to keep the choked sound from his throat.
He looked away from the box and up to Remus. The tears that Remus had been fighting, slipped down his cheeks and he brushed them away and nodded.
He held out his hand and took the box from Severus.
"Goodnight Severus. We'll see you tomorrow." Remus said quietly.
"Good night, Remus." Severus said with a nod.
Remus sighed as he stepped back into the sitting room of his home. The lights were all out and there weren't any sounds.
Glancing quickly to the clock he noticed it was nearly three in the morning. He'd not planned to be gone so long. They'd come home at midnight when Poppy had taken over her watch of Harry.
Sirius had been shaky and sick looking when they had gotten home. Remus had insisted that he go to bed. That he could manage going through Harry's things with Severus.
With a sigh he walked down the hall and stopped outside the door to Harry's new room.
He steadied himself and opened the door. The room wasn't much at the moment. They'd planned to get more. Right now, it held a bed, a dresser, and a small desk.
On the bed sat all the gifts from the Weasley's. There were a few from other order members as well. So many people loved Harry.
Remus swallowed thickly and walked to the desk. He set Harry's bag on the desk along with the box of gifts. He felt the beginning of tears pricking at his eyes and turned away.
When he reached the door to his own room he sighed deeply again.
He could hear soft sniffling noises coming from inside. Obviously, Sirius hadn't gone to sleep. Even if he'd gone to bed.
He pushed the door open and took in the sight. Sirius was laying on his side with his back to the door. He was still wearing his day clothes minus his shoes. On the side table, Remus spotted a half empty bottle of whiskey from his liquor cabinet.
He walked to his dresser and opened the top drawer. He pushed his socks aside and put the items in his pocket underneath. They weren't going back to Harry, certainly not for a long while. However, he couldn't stomach looking at any of it right now.
He closed the drawer softly. Toeing off his shoes and pulling off his trousers, Remus left them in a pile on the floor before climbing onto the bed.
He lay on his side and considered Sirius for a moment. It broke his heart to listen to him cry. To know that he'd left him alone to drink his pain away.
He shuffled forward and wrapped his arm around Sirius' waist, pulling him flush with his own body.
"I'm sorry." Sirius slurred.
Remus burrowed his face into Sirius hair and shook his head.
"I'm sorry." Remus murmured.
Sirius sighed and swallowed hard.
"I've been thinking about what George said. They saw this coming, and we didn't. I should have seen it. How quiet he'd become. The look in his eyes." Sirius mumbled.
"You had that look once…." Sirius said trailing off. His body was shaking a little as he started to cry again.
Remus held him tighter and closed his eyes. That had been one of the darkest days of his life.
-Memory-
Remus sat on the half wall with his feet dangling over the edge. He looked up in the dark night sky. He wanted to cry as his eyes automatically found Sirius. He'd looked at the star so many times from up here in the astronomy tower.
He shook his head and bit his lip. He couldn't think about Sirius right now. What he had done showed just how little he cared.
James hadn't spoken to him in the two months since the incident in the Shrieking Shack. Remus was sure it had finally dawned on him just what a monster his friend was.
He couldn't even look at Sirius. The danger he had put them all in by sending Snape after him on a full moon was terrifying. It had plagued him every night as he closed his eyes and had filled most of his waking thoughts.
Their sixth year would end in the morning, and he couldn't stomach the thought of going home. Going home and knowing that he'd be stuck there for three months without hearing from his friends. Knowing that when he returned, they wouldn't be his friends anymore. That he would be alone again.
He'd lied to himself for years that his roommates thought he was more then what he became. He wasn't though. He was a monster.
Dumbledore had sworn them all to secrecy about the event. Even Snape. But it didn't matter now. If the truth was ever revealed, he'd be put down like an animal.
A choked sob slipped through his lips.
He dug his fingernails painfully into his arm. He wished he could just rip his own skin off. It felt maddening to know that beneath his skin a beast lived. That it would be with him forever.
There was a sound behind him, and he turned in time to see Sirius and James fall through the door of the astronomy tower.
Tears slipped down his face. He looked away from them, grasping the wall tighter underneath him. He looked down, though the ground was hardly visible from this height in the middle of the night.
"Remus." James called. His voice was rough, and he was breathing heavily like he'd run all the way up the tower.
"Remy." Sirius called. Remus could tell by his voice that Sirius was close to tears.
Remus throat felt tight. He needed them to leave.
"Remus, I'm not mad at you. I mad at this idiot and I just… I guess I've just been avoiding you all. I'm sorry. I love you like a brother. Please don't do this." James begged.
Remus glanced over his shoulder and could see that James was holding the note he'd left him in his hand. It was nearly crushed in his fist.
Remus bit his lip. They'd been asleep when he'd left. He'd put the note on James side table and slipped out the door.
"Please Remus. Just come down here so we can talk. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Sirius cried.
Remus swallowed hard and looked down at the dark abyss below him. He sighed. He certainly couldn't go through with this with them standing here. Even if he was hurt and angry, he still loved them.
Suddenly he felt arms grab him around the waist and the next thing he knew he was desperately trying to suck air into lungs that weren't cooperating. His back had hit the floor of the astronomy tower hard, and James was laying on top of him.
Remus stared up at the ceiling as he felt the air woosh back into his lungs.
Suddenly Sirius was filling his vision. He was carding his fingers through Remus' hair and saying sorry over and over again.
Remus felt his eyes fill with tears and a sob bubbled out. Sirius lowered his head and rested his forehead against Remus' and cried. James's head was laying on his chest, and Remus could feel his whole body shaking.
-End memory-
Remus could feel tears falling from his eyes and rolling into Sirius hair. They'd stayed there on the floor until the morning had come. James and Sirius had refused to let him out of there sight, and he'd spent the better part of the summer holiday at Potter manor with them.
The first full moon had been less than two weeks after, and they had returned home with him. His parents had been testy about their company and that he hadn't come home right away. Their temperament had changed a few hours later.
He didn't know which one of them had told his parents. They never spoke about it, but he knew that one of them must have said something. He suspected it was James. He supposed he could ask Sirius.
Remus sighed.
Sirius was right though. He knew what that hopeless feeling was like. His soul ached that Harry understood that level of hopelessness. The desperation to escape it.
"I love you." Remus whispered, pulling Sirius impossibly closer.
"I love you too." Sirius murmured, pulling Remus' hand from his stomach, and kissing his palm. He lowered their joined hands and put it over his heart.
Remus closed his eyes as he felt the steady beat of Sirius heart under his hand. He hoped that tomorrow wouldn't look so bleak. That Harry would start to improve. That the life they were trying to build hadn't blown up before it had even begun.