Chapter 21 - Everywhere I Go (1:16)

Author's Note: Can I just say that Hemlock's audacity to say 'she means nothing to you' infuriates me beyond words? (And if he doesn't take that back, I will contact my squad of eight enhanced clones who will personally express the sheer hatred I feel in the form of VIOLENCE–)

PS: Yes, that last line was inspired by this Gonky video I watched forever ago, and I'm sure no one knows what I'm talking about but me. :')

Also, apologies for the insane length. ;_;

~ Rivana Rita

I still feel numb when we finally reach the landing platform. Nothing but numb, as I climb the ladder up to the top, and Hunter helps pull me up. The others are climbing up behind me, and Omega is moving a little past us, toward where the city remains are smoking in the distance.

It's been hours. I have no idea how long, but I'm so tired.

"It's... all gone," Omega whispers, tears hovering in her eyes as she stares at it.

I've dreamed about this almost every single night since we first left Kamino, and now it's happened. I was ready. Omega wasn't.

I slide an arm over her shoulders, over her bow, tugging her to my side. I think we're still the same height, but we won't be much longer, and that feels wrong. I'm not supposed to be older than her. I'm six. She's twelve.

"We knew it was gonna happen," I say, and that's the first thing I've said since we went into the water. My hands are still stinging, and I don't even care. "Knew it was coming." I blink a few times, half expecting there to be tears in my own eyes, but there's nothing. I'm still damp all over, but the sun's out now and it's... beautiful.

It hurts.

It feels fake.

The sun is rarely out on Kamino. Of course, it is right after our home was destroyed, the day we lost everything . Of course , today is the day the eternal night of Kamino decided to lift.

"We should leave before the Empire's scouts show up," Tech says, and I hear them shuffling around behind us.

"You coming with us?" Wrecker asks. He sounds wary. Worried. Hesitant. I can hear it, too.

"None of this changes anything."

I turn back from Omega, hand sliding off her shoulders as I turn back to face Crosshair.

He's still glaring. He's always glaring. I wish he'd... stop being like this. I know what it's like to be constantly angry, though. I know what it's like to hurt everyone I love. To feel alone. Lost.

That doesn't excuse him from shooting Wrecker any more than when I tried to.

"You offered us a chance, Crosshair," Hunter says, approaching him. I don't know how he does it. Stays so calm and unemotional. I'm not sure there's anything left in me to fall apart. Maybe he can say the same. "This is yours."

"I made my decision."

"And you didn't choose us," I whisper.

He's not coming. He's not coming.

That's the first thing that breaks through the fog of disbelief in my mind.

Crosshair's just... leaving us.

Walking away.

As if we didn't risk everything to come here to put our family back together. As if I didn't argue with Hunter so many times because I wanted to get him back. As if I wouldn't have been willing to die if it meant he could be home again. That he wouldn't have to be alone, that our brothers could finally be happy, that Omega could finally have everyone she wanted.

"We want different things, Crosshair," Hunter adds, anyway, still stubborn, refusing to be deterred. That's just... him . He still feels responsible for Crosshair, even if he shouldn't. "That doesn't mean that we have to be enemies."

"Some of us care more about family, than power and politics."

Crosshair turns away like it doesn't even matter. Like Hunter's not asking for some sort of... reassurance. Something to know that he matters . Just like me. He's not even asking for an agreement. Just acceptance. Acknowledgment .

I want to punch him.

I take a few steps closer, biting my lip, and looking up at Hunter.

I can't even read the look on his face. Empty. Dead. Broken. Just like me.

Hunter doesn't say anything, but he reaches down, touching my shoulder.

Tech is already moving for the Marauder. He's the first to walk away. Echo is just a step behind.

Wrecker lingers only a millisecond longer, but he follows, holding AZI.

Hunter approaches Omega, touching her shoulder before moving for the Marauder himself. Just – walking away.

"Crosshair, how can you do this?" I ask, still unmoving. I know I sound hurt, and a bit incredulous, but I don't care. I don't care about anything, except I was made to bring our family together, and I'm failing at that, too. If I can't even do what I was made for, then...

His hand clenches. "How could you ?"

"I didn't know you were there. " I blink fiercely against the tears suddenly in my eyes. "When I shot at you in the hangar – I thought you were coming. I didn't mean to... " It feels so lame. So stupid. I shot at my brother. At Crosshair. I've shot at half the people I love.

I've hurt everyone I love. It's no wonder Tech is always angry at me.

"I know we made a mistake by leaving you, but I don't know what else we could have done ."

"Hunter made the wrong choice," he growls back, "And you, by following him."

I scoff. "Family stays together," I argue, waving a hand, "Even if one of them screws up ."

He doesn't reply, and the tense silence over us is soaking into me, freezing me inside out.

"Say something, " I say, desperately. I can't talk to him if he won't talk. "Crosshair, please."

We don't have time for this. We need to go, but I can't just walk away. I can't accept this, even if everyone else can. And I'm angry at them for just... taking it. For the record, being tied to a chair is pretty miserable, but it's worth it. I would know.

It'd be pretty hard to keep Crosshair if he didn't want to be, though. That would be – like Hunter said, it would be wrong to keep him there by force. That would hurt him, but at this point I – I don't even...

I don't care.

I hate myself for it, but I can't...

He doesn't say anything. I'm not sure he's going to.

"Thank you for saving Vision," Omega interjects, and she's practically standing beside me again. "And AZI."

"Consider us even," Crosshair replies, giving her a sideways glance.

I take a few steps closer, biting my lip, tears still burning my eyes. "We still need you, Crosshair."

"You already made your choice."

I inhale shakily, tears spilling down my cheeks. "We need you. " How are we supposed to just ... walk out ? How are we supposed to live with knowing that our brother tried to kill us, and left us, because we weren't what he wanted us to be? This is Crosshair , and he means everything to us. He is everything to us. I saw how we all took his loss. "How are you going to live without us? We're not supposed to do this. We need each other. How ..."

"You should have thought about it earlier."

"I did!" I yell back, "I tried everything I could! I tried to keep us together! I know what it's like to be alone. To be afraid. I didn't want that to happen to you, but you were trying to kill us and I – I couldn't – we didn't know what to do! You can't just do this. You're making a mistake." I already know nothing I say will matter, because it never does, but I'm not stopping.

"I didn't ask your opinion."

I squeeze my eyes shut, hissing out a breath. This isn't working. "I know exactly what I am."

"This is exactly what I am –"

"I know I've made mistakes. I know I hurt you. I know I hurt ... everyone , but that's not a reason to hurt everyone else."

"This isn't about you ."

"Then why did you save me ?"

Crosshair's gaze flicks to me, and I think that's the first time he actually looked at me. Doesn't answer, though.

"I don't care about the – any of this. I just want my family back." Fighting is all I've ever known, but if we do, we won't have each other. Eventually, we're all going to have to make that choice. "I know what it's like to be alone. I know it's – it's not worth anything you could think it is. We – we miss you. We want you. We can still make this right."

"Stop asking," Crosshair hisses back, and I step back instinctively, hands clenching, nails digging into my palm.

He's angry. Of course, he's angry. He has been this entire time, and I can't understand where I went wrong .

He's still not listening , and I'm out of what could change that. The most I can do now is... make him understand. I might never be able to forgive him for what he's done, but that doesn't mean I don't want him back. That doesn't mean I don't think we can still... be something. Even if it's something unbearably messed up.

"I know things have changed. I know... if you have any heart, you'd regret what you've done. And everything... dies. Except love. You're still one of us. You still belong here, even if you don't remember."

"How sentimental," he scoffs.

I roll my eyes. This is so familiar, it hurts.

"You're still their brother, Crosshair," Omega says, and I know she's about to cry again, but she doesn't. "You're our brother, too."

He doesn't know. Wouldn't remember – he was too little. They were taken before they could remember for a reason, before it could make them too different from the regs, and if our brothers were meant to be anything other than different .

Crosshair doesn't remember when he was taken, how close they were before. I know, because Omega told me. She told me all of it, everything there was, and the rest is clear enough to imagine.

He doesn't know – probably never will – that his first words were then, as he fought with all he had to not get taken from her. He was a few months old. Too young to... remember. But Omega does, and I know . I can't forget that. I know how hard he tried, how the first things he ever said were a series of frantic, half-unintelligible pleas for their family to stay together.

And now he's the one ripping it apart.

I still remember it when she told me, that Tech was clinging to Wrecker, like he could somehow solve something – how things have changed since then – and Hunter was just watching.

That she's asked him to take care of them, protect them for her while they were away.

I wish I could believe that part of Crosshair is still there, but –

"He would do anything for you –"

'mega was away for so long, and then she got me, and we found our way back, but this isn't the same. Crosshair is choosing to leave as though none of that happened, and nothing he and his brothers have done means anything to him. I've been with Omega for six years, and he's been with them for nine. I can't imagine leaving her. There's nothing – nothing that could make me do that.

It won't be the same, because if he's leaving, it's not like he'll pick up another random sister and come back or anything. Omega and I are the only two that... exist .

I might hate him forever, but I'd never forgive myself if I just walked out without... anything. Something's flickering in my mind, but I don't take the time to Look at it. I move forward, reaching out to touch his arm. The metal is cool and unfamiliar, too dark, and it's fully impulsive when I lean closer, throwing my arms around his waist.

Crosshair freezes, and I can feel him looking down at me. I've only hugged him once before, and that was right before this started. I feel the light weight of his hand on my head again, so much like last time. Exactly like last time. It's him , and I can't leave that. Can't forget it.

I engrain the warmth into my mind, pulling back and looking up at him, eyes still wet, but clear enough to see.

I don't know if I'm ever going to see him again.

That's not something I can bear to think about. This is Crosshair.

I don't expect him to say anything, and for once, my judgment is right on that.

I take a step back, blinking a few more times, the wind rustling through my hair. His eyes are still sharp, intense and hard. All the clones have a fire to them, similar to... to Anakin, but still a little different. His expression is still tight, too tight – it hasn't softened the way it used to. The way it did the last time I looked at him before they first left Kamino, when I ingrained his face into my mind, waiting until I could see him again.

That won't be true now.

It shouldn't be so hard to walk away. Crosshair already made this choice.

I fumble in my belt, pulling out the few ration bars I have, just to... I don't know. "Here," I say, shoving them into his hand, "I dunno what hour the Empire will show up."

He's just staring at me. Doesn't say anything.

I step back, eyes falling on the column of smoke, all that's left of the only home we've ever known, but 'mega's soft "Viz" snaps me back to the present, and I run across the platform, hands interlinking.

We climb the ramp together. Hunter's waiting for us in the doorway, watching.

Omega turns back to watch. I pause when I realize she is, looking back to where she's watching Crosshair, who's still overlooking the ocean, refusing to look back. To even see us off.

Hunter closes the ramp, and the image disappears from sight.

I move for the gunner's mount, climbing inside and sitting down. The light's off back here, and I'm glad. It's too bright. Too cheery.

I still have the picture I used to keep, and I flick it on, just staring at it. Omega settles down beside me, picking up Lula and hugging her close. Wrecker climbs past us, sitting in the seat of the gunner's mount, staring out the window.

I think he's watching, too.

Of course, he is.

I hear the engine running, but I don't look up.

Somewhere in the time of blankly staring at the picture of all of our brothers, from a lifetime ago when they were together and happy, I lean over, head resting on 'mega's shoulder. I feel her cheek pressed to my hair, feel the slight shake as she cries.

I know it when we make the hyperspace jump, and that's when I finally hear shuffling. Hunter and Tech settle down in the back, taking Crosshair's rifle apart to clean it. I've seen how Crosshair does it, and they're doing it the same. They're working together as one, wordlessly.

They put it away in his weapon's kit, and leave it up against the wall, leaving it there, out of place, as the one thing we'll never touch. Right. Yeah. Sure. Just back to tripping over the topic of Crosshair like he was never even... here .

Like he's not gone.

I squeeze my eyes shut, head resting atop the photo, bitterness bubbling up inside me.

I think Wrecker's crying, too. I should... do something, but I tighten my arms around my leg, fingers digging into it enough to hurt, and don't move.

"He would do anything for you ."

"I'm not going anywhere ."

Don't lie to me, I want to scream. It's bad enough you left. But he's gone. Crosshair's... gone.

There's nothing left but... memories.

Dreams.

"I had a dream we were together," I whisper. "I guess that meant... nothing."

Omega sniffles, reaching to grab my hand.

No one talks.

**w**

The rest of the day is a blur. We go back to Ord Mantell, but no one... does anything. Echo and Tech are working on getting AZI back up and running, and Hunter's watching in mostly silence. Rex comes to pick up Gregor, and I think he might've tried talking to me, but I don't remember anything other than a hand on my shoulder and the blurred sound of his voice. The rest of us just sit around, until we finally go to sleep for the first time since Daro.

That feels like another lifetime.

When I sleep, I dream, flickers of Crosshair and Kamino that I can't make sense of.

I don't want to dream. I don't want to See. It gave me hope we could get him back, but it was wrong. I was wrong. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to think about him, but I can't stop .

I push myself up, leaning against the wall again. I don't want to go back to sleep, even if everyone else is.

Omega is tossing a little beside me – nightmare – and I reach out, shaking her shoulder. She gasps faintly, eyes flying open and jolting upright.

"Sh, it's okay," I soothe. "You're safe."

From how fast she scoots back from me, I can't help wondering if she's remembering Bracca. That wouldn't be the first time, though I've never seen her outright react to it before. Not like this. Omega looks around, breathing still a little high. "Okay," she says, blinking a few times, "We're here, but I... I keep seeing Kamino. I can't believe they just destroyed it."

"That's what the Empire does. That's why it needs to die."

"Do you want to fight it?" It's a tentative question, but not one I've ever seen Omega ask before. I didn't know she thought about it.

"I want to kill it." Fighting is too weak of a word, when I want to take it and shred it to pieces.

She bites her lip. "You know that would mean fighting Crosshair, right?"

I huff, turning away, settling back against the wall, one hand falling to the picture, fingers tracing over the cool edges. Everything is cold, especially me. I'm still freezing inside out. I shake my head a little, hearing, but not really accepting. I can't believe that. "I can't believe he would do something like that."

"I know," Omega whispers, "But he did."

A quiet sound cuts us off, and we both freeze.

"Wrecker," I realize, pushing myself up. He's awake. And... I think he's crying. I didn't even know Wrecker could cry. Sure, I've seen him get emotional, but it was never anything like this. I thought I was practically the only weirdo who did .

I glance at Omega before leaning over, awkwardly half jumping, half climbing onto his rack next to him. Wrecker catches me, pulling me on. "Hey, kid," he says, voice rough and shaky.

"It's okay," I tell him, swinging onto his chest and sprawling out on top of him. I'm light, and I know he won't care, because he's never bothered by any of the weird things I do.

Omega tries to join us, and I reach out, taking Lula from her and grabbing her hand to pull her on. We end up mutually piling half on top of him, Lula in between us, our hands still interlinked. Wrecker doesn't say what's wrong, and I don't ask. We all know, anyway. If it's not Crosshair, then it's Bracca, and we all have nightmares about Bracca.

I wonder if Hunter ever has nightmares about Wrecker snapping his neck. I think about it all the time.

Wrecker's arm is around me, keeping me close and from falling off – that'd be a long drop – and I tense a bit, expecting him to just fall asleep and it to get too tight. It takes forever for him to calm down and fall asleep, and even then, it's restless.

His grip doesn't get tighter.

This isn't what's supposed to happen. He's supposed to nearly squash me, and Crosshair laughs until he cries, and I threaten to wage eternal pillow war on him.

But Crosshair's gone, and that's just a memory, like everything else.

That's the first time I break down and cry after Kamino. I cry until I'm too tired too, and Omega squeezing my hand every now and then is all I have to know I'm not alone.

Not alone yet, anyway. How long will it be before someone else leaves me? Before I push someone else away?

**w**

I jump off Wrecker's rack first thing in the morning. I wanted to know what would happen, okay? It was a good distraction from brooding. I keep Seeing Crosshair, and I can't tell if my brain is trying to tell me something, or if it's just showing me who I want most. Don't care, either. I'm so tired of it.

We succeeded in the mission of rescuing Hunter, but no one points out we're breaking tradition. I haven't eaten since before Daro, and that's been a couple days. I don't have an appetite to.

Hunter's working at one of the computers, or – oh, you know, he's pretending to. All I see is a lot of staring, and he doesn't look up until I thump to the floor, rolling to my feet with a shriek.

"You okay?" he asks, blinking himself back to present.

His eyes are red. Don't tell me he's been crying, too. I don't think I can deal with that. Not Hunter. Not my dad.

Of all the things Crosshair did, I can forgive that the last. Wrecker is never depressed. He never cries. This is the first time. And if – if Hunter did... He hurt all of us, and I don't want to think about that right now. Or ever.

"Fine," I assure, brushing myself off, "That was fun! Speaking of which, after you tumbled down a mountainside, are you okay? I never thought about asking. That is so rude. Did Tech check you over? I didn't notice."

"I'm fine, Vision," he promises very insincerely.

"Really? Cuz that didn't look fine. That looked painful. I mean. That was a mountain. I thought..."

"I know," he says, touching my shoulder. "But we're fine."

I raise an eyebrow. "Not all of us." I can't read his expression, but the smokiness of his feel dims. "But anyway, I saw you limping, so I... I was just worried. Part of why I was worried." My visions are more of a pain than anything else lately. I believed we'd get Crosshair back, but that wasn't real. I spent so long afraid Hunter would die, and there was no truth to that.

"It's just bruises," he insists, "I didn't fall straight. There were branches, and I hit the mountainside."

I click my tongue. "You mean, a full body bruise? That sounds ouchie. Can I hug you? Is that safe?"

He leans forward first, which is weird, looping an arm around my waist and pulling me close. I don't climb into his lap this time, even if I want to, not really sure how...sensitive he is right now. He could've been hurt in any one of a million different ways. Don't wanna face any. I know he's still human, still breakable, but he's Hunter , and he still seems... strong. I'm wondering more and more how much of that is an illusion he's trying to hold over us.

We can't be a squad if we can't trust each other, I want to tell him, but I have the same problem. I can't even trust myself. I only... believe in me because they do.

I step back, one hand lingering on his chest plate and the other on his arm, and when we actually look at each other, it feels like a million things are said between us that I don't even know. I know how lost he feels. He understands that for me. We still have each other, and for as long as we do, we don't need to be afraid. I still trust him, even if I can't help wondering how long it will be before there's something else he can't control.

He can't control everything. Can't control anything, actually, even if there was once a time I believed he could.

The others are coming in to join, and I step back, turning to stand beside him.

"I've been thinking," Hunter says, and we all turn to look at him. And, oh, are we all going to ignore that I interrupted his breakdown? Really, people? "We need to stay off the Empire's radar. I'll have to tell Cid the next time she calls us."

"If people need our help, we can't turn our backs on them," Echo objects.

"My priority is protecting all of you," Hunter tells him firmly, with a certainty I know he doesn't feel. "And right now, that means laying low."

"He's right, Echo," I chime in, stepping forward, "I know how you feel. I want to rip apart everyone who made the Empire, who destroyed our family. All of us. But that will take us to a place we cannot go ."

"Kid's got a point," Wrecker agrees softly.

"Yes," Tech says, "I am inclined to agree. I am aware you believe fighting is still your responsibility, Echo, but we cannot endanger ourselves in a fight we cannot win."

Echo crosses his arms, and he doesn't look happy, but he doesn't argue.

On the positive side, the conversation's said and done without any of the unwanted mentions.

I think I need to thank Tech for that, though. Really. For once, he agreed with me. And I have to talk to Echo. And not screw it up. Tech first, probably.

"Thanks," I tell him when Echo's retreated to the back. "I think this is the first time we agreed on anything ."

"That is not fully true, though I can understand your reasoning."

I snort. "Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know I... what... what he means to you. I shouldn't have said that."

"I am aware you were angry and did not fully mean everything you were saying."

I nod, not really looking at him, though Tech rarely looks at people when he talks, either. "I'm sorry. Really – I know this was partly my doing." He's watching me, waiting, and I keep talking. "I could've... could've... Something. This didn't have to go so far. I know you're angry at me, and I don't know why, but I wish... I could fix this."

"I... would not say that I –"

"Please, don't," I request, "I know you are. I know I screwed up. I always screw up. I just... I don't understand you half the time. Most of the time. It feels like we're living on completely different... planes of existence?" I shake my head, looking away, scrambling to get my thoughts in order. " I know you care. I just... I can't see it. You're different. You're ... " Just weird , I want to say, but that sounds mean, and I think that would make this worse.

"I may process moments and thoughts differently, but... it does not mean that I feel any less than you."

I nod, biting my lip. "I still don't understand how it's... how it is. I just. I don't wanna lose you. I told Crosshair that once, and it didn't ... " I press my forehead to his armor, squeezing my eyes shut. I know it's more intimate than we normally are, than we ever are, but I just need to get this said. "Didn't matter," I whisper shakily. I don't want to linger, because this is Tech and he's never going to say it if I'm making him uncomfortable.

"I understand your concern," Tech says finally, hand on my shoulder. His grip is tight, firm, and I can't help wondering if he's afraid of losing me, too. "But I am not him."

I blink at the tears in my eyes, but it's fruitless. "Thank you," I tell him instead. "I'm gonna go talk to Echo."

"That would be wise," he agrees.

I step back, swiping my eyes and giving him a not-quite smile before taking off to where Echo disappeared to.

There are so many things I want to ask about Crosshair, if he cared, how Hunter could have promised he'd do anything for me, when he did... all this. But Tech isn't the one I feel comfortable talking to about it. Echo never grew up with Crosshair, and I'm fairly certain Wrecker would just cry again if I asked him. I'll have to talk to Hunter so add that to the list of What I Do Not Want To Do.

"It never stops hurting, does it?" I ask after standing there, watching him for what must be a full five minutes.

"What?" he asks, turning to look at me.

"That they're gone. Your squad. Your brothers. It's never going to stop hurting, will it?"

Echo sighs, sitting back a bit, and I perch myself on the crate next to him. "No, it doesn't."

He had nightmares about... his past almost every night after he joined. It was awful. Calming him down was awful. Trying to ground him was hard when he'd just zone out was so hard. (Crosshair would occasionally, too. I heard him jerk awake sometimes in the night, breathing uneven, but he never moved to get up. Felt it sometimes, too. Laid by him. Scooted closer to touch him. Omega and I have the wild guess it has to do with Wrecker being blown up .)

"I guess we all have nightmares now," I supply, leaning my head on his arm and closing my eyes. I'll dream about Kamino forever. About Crosshair even beyond.

"That doesn't mean it can stop us from fighting," Echo says.

"That's why you wanna fight," I object, "But it's gonna hurt all of us. Echo, they died, so you could live. Please don't waste that. I can't lose anyone else." I might want to hurt them, but I'm not ready yet. Right now, I don't even want to wake up breathing. Forget about having the energy to fight. Whenever I close my eyes, I see images of Kamino burning and Hunter falling. I can't... do that again.

Echo touches my forearm. "I go where I'm needed," he replies, "But this is where I am now."

I nod, and I don't believe him, but he said it, and I have to hold onto that for now.

When I sleep, I dream of Crosshair.

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