Chapter 22 - You're By My Side (Post-S1)
Author's Note: Warning: Self-harming, depression, suicidal thoughts ;-;
~ Rivana Rita
I don't know whose ingenious idea it was to sell AZI to Cid. Hunter's, I think. "We need the credits," he had said, "If we're leaving fighting behind us, we need to change our armor."
I don't fight it when he says it. I should have. I'm angry. I shouldn't be, because Hunter's right, and we need to survive, and it's not his fault we hardly have enough to get by. It's not his fault we're in this situation, and we really don't need AZI, but I'm still angry.
Maybe if he'd done something a little different, too, Crosshair would still be here. Maybe he messed it up, too. Maybe I wasn't the only one.
That's not fair though. This wasn't Hunter's fault.
I punch the wall hard enough my knuckles turn red and are swollen and sore enough I can hardly unclench my hand. Omega must've seen, because she grabs my hand and drags me around after her the rest of the day.
**w**
I can admit I like painting. It's something to do, and the boys offer to until someone gets the point it's one of the only things I'm able to do. Focusing on anything is so hard, and I'm so tired. I can't stop seeing Crosshair in my dreams. I wish I could.
I paint their armor, one piece at a time. I do it when there's nothing else to do. At night when I can't sleep. It's hard to eat, too. Hunter still gives me my rations, and I take to sneaking them back into our stash pile when no one's looking. I think he notices, because Hunter keeps looking at me, expression tight and worried. I can't look him in the eye anymore. I thought he could do anything, and I was wrong.
I remember before when we talked about our armor before. I remember it like yesterday.
I'd asked Crosshair what in the galaxy the thingies hanging by his bunk were, and he'd told me they were armor sketches.
"Is your favorite color red?" I ask, staring.
"No!" he snarls disgustedly, "It's Hunter's!"
"Then why's it on your bunk?"
"To embarrass him for eternity."
Yeah. That's the Crosshair I remember. The annoying one. The one who wanted Hunter around to annoy him to death. Not the one that tried to slit his throat when no one was looking.
I'd wanted my armor dark gray like Hunter's.
Echo had cut in, saying he wanted his darker than Crosshair's, which I thought fit.
"Omega would have white," I had told them without a second thought. Hers would look a lot like Tech's in color.
Now, I guess we'll never know.
**w**
The dreams about Crosshair still aren't stopping. I think it's been about a week by now. I don't know – I've lost track of time. The days sort of blur together, with me hardly having any energy to drag from one through to the next. Every time I see Crosshair, he's still on Kamino. It's been a week. I know what it means. Could mean. The Empire never did bother coming back, did they? Or am I just seeing the past? I don't think so, though. It has the same feel all my visions have.
How long is he going to be there?
Maybe that's half of why I can't make myself eat. I don't know when he'll – he's out there, alone, and that was...
I can't stop thinking about it, though. I don't even want to suggest going back. No one talks about him, but I know no one's thought about anything else since Kamino. I'm terrified at the thought of seeing him again, but I can't just – we need him. Crosshair might be stupid and stubborn, but he'd know if he messed up. Maybe he'd realize he made a mistake and come back. I can't accept he'll be gone forever. He wouldn't do that. He's still our brother. He still means everything to us. And I – I need to know if he'll be okay.
I feel oddly self-conscious and nervous about it as I slip up front into the cockpit where Tech is. "Hey," I say, sliding into the seat beside him.
Tech glances at me, but doesn't say anything, entirely lost on his datapad.
He doesn't ask, so I just jump right into it. "So, theoretically, how long could someone survive without eating?"
Tech pauses, adjusting his goggles and turns to look at me. "What is you are asking for?" he queries. "Are you –"
"I'm okay!" I interject sharply, "I'm not going to die. I think. But I keep having these... dreams."
"What are you Seeing?" he asks instead. He sounds... a little rougher than normal. Worried, maybe. I don't know.
"It's not about us." I close my eyes, sighing. I haven't said his name in a few days. It feels like forever. "It's – it's about Crosshair. I'm worried about him. He's out there, alone. We have no idea... if he'll be hurt. If he dies, we wouldn't even know."
"That is not our concern any longer," Tech says bluntly.
I jerk forwards, inhaling sharply. "How can you say that?!" I demand. "He's still –"
"He made his choice, Vision," Tech says, a thinly veiled pain in his voice. "And he did not choose us." It's a blatant echo of what I said to Crosshair back on Kamino. Maybe he listens to me more than I thought. Somehow, that makes it hurt even worse. Tech grew up with Crosshair, no matter how weird he is about emotions. I can't even imagine what this is doing to him. It couldn't be much better, I imagine, than if 'mega just ditched me.
The knife in my heart twists deeper. "I thought being family always meant we choose each other."
"Not necessarily. The needs of separate individuals are not identical, and neither are their choices or beliefs."
I shake my head. "But – but 'mega and I always choose each other. I thought the same was true for all of you."
"Yes," Tech agrees, "I did as well."
I bite my lip a tear dripping down my cheek. I don't have the sense of mind to care that I'm crying in front of Tech. "I thought he was our brother, that he cared, that... I thought he would miss us, thought he would... care." About me, about all of us, and I can't help thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been so nasty to him, and he wouldn't have left us. "That he'd try to come home."
I hate myself for that as fiercely as I do shooting at Omega.
"Perhaps the person you are searching for never existed."
The seat squeaks when I swivel around and run from the room.
Tech doesn't even make an effort to stop me.
**w**
Cid ships us off on another mission, and I'm too tired to even make it off the gunner's mount. Tech tries to coax me out of the gunner's mount, as does Omega and even Wrecker, until Hunter finally steps in and squeezes my hand and tells them to let me stay behind before they leave.
I've never truly been alone until then. Gonky's there, lingering loyally and beeping, but this is the first time I've truly been alone.
I cry until my eyes are sore and burning and itchy and then some more.
I wish I'd gone with them, even if I didn't have the energy to peel myself off the floor.
I wonder if Crosshair feels the same way.
**w**
If Crosshair's going to just ditch us, fine. Doesn't mean I can't still make his life hell. It's not fair for me to be mad at Hunter, but I kind of am – I thought he could fix this, and I've always known he can't always control everything, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
I hate myself for being the slightest bit upset at him, because I know he did everything he could, and he was so much nicer about everything than I ever could've been, but it still... I don't know. I guess I just thought he could... fix this, but Hunter can't solve everything. It's not his fault.
It really, really isn't. I hate I even have to tell myself that. There's not anyone I'm not angry at, but that's the one that hurts the worst.
I tiptoe into the back of Cid's parlor while the others are distracted. I've been so quiet lately, I doubt anyone would notice – well, Hunter probably would, because he can feel me, and Omega might, because she always knows those things, but...
"Hey," I say, gripping the edge of her desk and pulling myself up a bit. "Can you do me a favor?"
"What is it, Snippy?" she asks, looking up.
"Shh!" I hiss, "I don't want my brothers to hear I need a tiny bit of green paint. Preferably neon green. It'll annoy Hunter," I whisper conspiratorially when she doesn't reply.
Cid laughs. "How much you asking?"
I shrug. "Enough to paint a helmet. And somewhere to hide it while it dries. I'm going to murder my brother's armor. Y'know. The one you haven't seen yet. He ditched us, and I threatened to paint his stuff green a long time ago, and since he's not here to stop me, well, why not?"
Cid laughs. Actually laughs. I can't help grinning a little myself. "Deal."
And that was how Crosshair's helmet got painted neon green and the same horrific shade of orange Omega picked out for our brothers. He deserves to have a giant mad face on his helmet, okay? Really. I giggle every time I imagine seeing his very annoyed expression. Probably the first time I laughed since before Daro.
**w**
Wrecker still wakes up every night crying. I hear it, because I can't sleep myself. Omega and I climb in with him all the time, as if our presences could actually help, until Omega starts sleeping through them.
Somehow, that makes it hurt even more. It hurts to have to leave her side and her warmth.
**w**
Once, when Wrecker wakes up, my presence isn't enough to calm him. Hunter climbs wordlessly onto his rack, and Wrecker buries his face in Hunter's neck, crying. I can't help wondering if he's dreaming of Bracca, of when he nearly killed Hunter. I don't ask. I never do.
**w**
Echo still dreams, too. He always dreams. He has from when he first joined us, though back then, I was usually tired enough to sleep right through his nightmares every time. Echo is always very quiet about it, but I still hear it when he gets up and paces the length of the snip. Despite his mechanical legs and all, he's quiet. Agile.
He's been growing darker. More restless. This isn't the first time I've seen him like that, but I think it's the first time I push myself out of our bed and approach him.
"I thought you were sleeping," Echo tells me in a hushed voice.
"Yeah, me too," I say, fidgeting. I don't even know what I'm doing, except I don't want him to be alone.
"I didn't mean to wake you."
I shrug again, avoiding his eyes. "Can't sleep."
"Dreams?" Echo guesses, and I tentatively nod.
"Is it alright if I ask?" he inquires.
I've thought about telling them about Crosshair so many times. I just don't know how to even go about it. "I just can't stop thinking about Kamino," I confess, "What they did. What we lost."
"We didn't lose everything on Kamino," Echo objects, "We lost it when the Empire formed."
He has a point. "I could have changed it. I could have fixed this."
"Vision, you're six," Echo tells me firmly, "It doesn't matter what you have or haven't Seen. You can't change everything."
"But I can try. I'm supposed to try. I'm supposed to know."
"You couldn't have known what the Empire would do to Kamino."
"Even though I saw it every night for weeks." I turn away, sighing. I should have known. I saw Hunter falling. I could have stopped that, too.
"I don't know much about visions," Echo admits, "But... the general always said they were warnings of a future. I don't know if that means you could change them."
"Then what's the point?!"
"I don't know," Echo replies, "But the general knew about it. It was never something he talked about, though."
"Well, that doesn't really help me." Me? Really? Is that all I'm capable of thinking about? This was never about me. "I'm sorry," I say, shuffling back, "This wasn't – I – I know it doesn't get better. It never will." I wish I could stop feeling it so much. That I could get the break I need or want or whatever. That I could stop hurting all the time.
"I wouldn't say that," Echo replies, "But it hasn't. I keep thinking maybe today will be the day I figure it out and I feel like I'm at home, but truth is, I never have. Doubt I ever will. Our brothers across the galaxy need help. I don't know if I can just leave them."
"We need you, too," I argue, "We always have. You belong here. You're one of us. I've always. The only thing I and any of us have ever cared about is keeping our family together."
"Sometimes, we have to go whatever our heart leads us, even if it's hard."
I don't really understand what he means by that. (Somehow, I know there will be someday I will, and it's something that will shape our lives forever.)
**w**
I can't stop remembering everything I said to Crosshair. I was so – awful to him. I don't know what was wrong with me. I didn't have to hurt him so much. I saw the hurt in his eyes more times than I could count, and I didn't care. I didn't stop or try to make it better, even when Omega told me to. I should have.
If – if he came back, if he – I could try to make it better. I still remember the feel of his hand on my head, and I can still feel it sometimes when I lay down. I can still remember the warmth of lying next to him, the not-so-pleasant smell of our barracks and the dimness of the room.
I want to go home.
Be nice if I had a home to go back to.
Crosshair does.
I am home. I don't have a right to feel like I'm not.
(Echo had said the same thing, though.)
**w**
It's another night I wake up – it's happened every night, over two weeks now – after dreaming. Something's wrong, though Omega and Wrecker are still sleeping soundly right now. Echo and Tech are asleep, too. I slowly climb down the ladder, tiptoeing past them up front. We're in space after a mission now, much like that time right after Bracca, and Hunter's up front.
He's awake, of course, staring out the viewport, breathing uneven. The smokiness of his presence is burning, dark, clenched with something dark. He's dreaming, too, isn't he? Of course, he is. I've never noticed that on Hunter before, and it comes back with an overwhelming flare of guilt. He's not that old, either. We – we need someone else. I hate feeling like that, but it's just the truth. We need someone who can help Hunter, because if – if he doesn't have anyone, if he can't stay stable, grounded, we're not going to have anything to take care of us.
Hunter's head turns my way a little, and I know he's watching me.
"Did he ever care?" I ask quietly, leaning my head against Hunter's arm. "Did we even... matter?" Did he leave because of me? Was I too much for him? On him? Was it me who tore our family apart?
Hunter sighs. Doesn't even have to ask what I'm talking about. "I don't know," is all he says, but it sounds desperate and hurt enough that my heart just shatters further. Hunter's hand strokes lightly through my hair. It's so gentle. Familiar. I've missed him.
Haven't really spent time with him since Daro. Or... any of them, actually. That was the last time I was really with Wrecker and Omega anywhere. I should... try to fix that. I climb into Hunter's lap, and he holds me until I fall asleep.
**w**
When I wake up, I'm still curled up in Hunter's lap, wrapped in his arms, and I feel more awake and alert than I have in a long time. I'd forgotten Hunter could have that effect on me. He's so gentle. Soothing. He's... everything I need.
I... feel better that day. Somehow. More vibrant. More me.
I eat more than a few bites for the first time, and finally, everyone's not looking at me like I'm something breakable.
**w**
I've heard Tech dream before. Didn't brace me for when I see him wake up – I wasn't sleeping, as I often don't. I'm half dozing on and out, clinging to the picture I took of our brothers so long ago when I see him wake.
It's not the brief waking and falling asleep again.
It's the kind where I See the air around him get charged and staticky, the kind where I know someone hurt him. I know what that looks like. It's fear.
And I still cannot imagine Tech being afraid of anything.
C'mon. Just because he's scary doesn't mean he can't be scared.
Omega, actually, beats me too it, clamoring over me and sliding down the ladder. I scramble after, and we skid to a stop beside him. Omega's surprisingly more hesitant about it than I am.
I don't think it's ever sunk in exactly how young Tech is. He's nine. That's – Omega's twelve right now. She's not that old.
"Hey," I whisper finally, grabbing his hand.
"Vision," Tech replies, blinking at me. "Is something –"
"We're fine," I assure, "I thought you were dreaming."
He sighs. He sounds tired. "I am fine."
"Mm-hm." I climb onto the chair into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, chin resting on his head. I didn't realize his hair was so curly. Never seen it up close. I hug him tightly, pressing my cheek to his hair. He feels more frozenly awkward than anything else, and finally awkwardly pats my back.
I giggle, squeezing him tighter. Not letting go anytime soon.
**w**
This time, when I wake, Omega's already up, and she pulls me into a tight embrace before I can try running off. I cling to her, sighing and burying my face in her shoulder, struggling to stay calm. I'm so, so tired of seeing Crosshair in my dreams. I miss him, but I don't want to be haunted by him.
I curl up around her, head on her shoulder, arm looped around her middle, trying to ignore how it feels like I'm getting... big for this. We used to do it all the time when we were little.
Even if I'm bigger than her, that doesn't mean we have to stop.
**w**
Hunter never talks about what happened after he fell from the mountain. Sometimes, I wonder. Sometimes, I worry. I don't know what happened when he was in custody. I don't know if – if Crosshair hurt him, or if he just talked to him, but looking back, he's just not the same. He isn't the same as the brother who fell there. He's so much quieter. So much more... broken. There's no way to know that he didn't hurt him physically, too, even if I don't want to think about it. It isn't like Hunter let Tech scan him.
Either way, I guess it doesn't really matter. Crosshair broke all of us irreparably, and there's no getting back what we once were.
**w**
Echo and Tech will not stop arguing. They're driving me insane. They acted like this right after we lost Crosshair in the first place. I hate it when my siblings fight, and now... I just want to sleep. I want everything to stop. I want Crosshair to stop being an idiotic moron and just get back here. Honestly. Can't be that difficult. They deal with grief by arguing, but it just hurts everyone else more.
I've never seen them jump higher than when I yell at them both to shut up.
I still feel bad.
**w**
Wrecker's dreams aren't stopping. It feels like nothing is stopping. Nothing's changing. We're not getting better, and I'm so tired of it. I asked Echo once if loss gets better, and he told me it didn't.
I wish I could stop seeing Crosshair in my dreams, stop hearing his voice. I want to scream until my throat is raw and I can't scream anymore, but in the end, all I can do is bury my face into Lula and cry, remembering how I heard Crosshair made her. He was trying to help Wrecker, and I can't believe that brother is entirely gone. I can't.
**w**
Maybe I'm just lost in myself, but I think something's different about Omega, too. She seems darker, more withdrawn. I haven't heard her and Wrecker laugh in weeks. It's been – a very, very long time. I feel so empty. So dead inside.
Omega is different now. I can't deny it.
I hate it.
She's so dark. She doesn't stick beside me all the time anymore. Sometimes, she'll sit by me for hours as I painstakingly paint every inch of whatever armor piece it is I'm working on, and sometimes, she'll just get up without a word and go. I don't react, don't ask about it, because that's selfish and Omega has better things to do with herself than worry about me.
All of them do.
**w**
The first actual nice thing in a good long while is when we go to a snow planet somewhere. I've never seen snow before, and it's beautiful. It's so soft and cold. I jump head-first into a snowdrift, giggling, and Omega jumps after.
Hunter digs us both out, less than impressed. I laugh at him until I realize he's genuinely worried. He insists it can be dangerous, though I don't get how. In the meantime, well, Wrecker somehow got stuck to Echo's scomp.
I laugh at him until I cry, too.
**w**
Omega is the one who wakes me up this time. I See her golden-soft petals curl inwards at the edges, rippling and darkening. It looks like something dying. Like she's dying. The light in her, anyway.
"'mega?" I whisper, shaking her shoulder. She's dreaming again. At least I think she is.
Her eyes fly open, and she lashes out, fist slamming into my jaw.
I fall back with a squeak, hitting the floor awkwardly.
She gasps softly, and I scoot back, a swell of alarm morphing across her soft features. "Viz!" she gasps, even if her eyes are wet with tears. "I'm sorry, I thought –"
"Don't," I snap back, tears suddenly burning my own eyes, rubbing my jaw. It's still stinging. I don't even know why I'm so angry. "You just punched your sister in the face. Nicely done. First time that's happened."
"I – I'm sorry," she fumbles, hands clasped together tightly.
"It's okay," I promise, desperate not to see her cry again, no matter how much it hurts. She doesn't deserve to face my rage. I made that mistake with her before, and with Crosshair. "It's not a big deal. You okay?"
"I – I'm fine," she insists, settling down again.
"Guess that's what I get for trynna kill ya'," I mutter. She could've killed me, too, and I – I wouldn't miss it.
"Vision," she whispers, eyes wide, voice shaky.
I sigh. Squeeze my eyes shut and drag a hand over my face. "It's fine. I mean it."
"I – okay." Omega doesn't believe me. She'd be stupid to, and my sister isn't stupid. She knows full well I'm lying. I know it, too, but I've hurt her enough. Don't need to again.
She doesn't fall asleep again though, and neither do I. I can't I've hardly slept in... forever. I'd do anything to just close my eyes for a little while, to get to breathe, but I can't, and nothing's changing. It's not stopping. The dreams aren't stopping, and I spend almost the entire time lying there, wondering if I should finally just tell her about it.
I don't.
**w**
Echo is restless. I think he's angry, and I just hope it's not at me. I wish he'd take it out on me instead of Hunter, though. Or even Tech. Well, they haven't argued since I yelled at them, but still.
I know Hunter isn't in the mental state to carry on with someone constantly questioning his every move. I know Echo doesn't mean to make things hard for him, but he still does. And is. I know he wants to fight, but hearing about it just makes me angry. I think Echo's let it drop for a while again, but...
I know this isn't what he wants, and it hurts.
We're supposed to do whatever Echo wants. We're supposed to keep him here, and I'm so, so afraid of another one of us leaving. Crosshair walked away, and I can't survive without someone else. We need each other. I still can't believe he did that to us.
**w**
Sometimes, I'll stare blankly at the wall for hours. I don't mean to zone out all the time, but it happens all the time.
I'm so worn out, exhaustion nagging at every inch of my body, but I can't sleep. I've trained myself to wake whenever I start seeing Crosshair. There's never anything more to see, anyway, except the distant crashing of ocean waves and rain and I don't want to think about Kamino anymore. I just want to live. Why does that have to be too much to ask?
I remember how it felt to sleep next to Hunter that once, and I'm a little wary about asking him for it again, but I curl up next to him when he finally lays down. Hunter doesn't ask me about it. He just wraps an arm around my middle, holding me tightly against him.
I toss and turn a bit in the night, but when I awaken from the dream, I doze off again almost instantly, still nestled in Hunter's embrace. If he's here, that means I'm safe. It means we're fine. We'll survive. (This can't be called living. I never will be alive again.)
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