Chapter 25 - This Isn't Just A Feeling (Pre-S2)
Author's Note: There's been a... time-skip from the first season now. A few months or so. But I thought we'd need a sorta interlude-ish chapter between Season 1 and 2, considering how different people were.
Warning: Self-harming, depression. Entire thing is about depression, but for self-harming, it's the paragraphs right after the first thing she says to Wrecker. So. Uh. Under the assumption anyone reading this is sensitive, or that anyone is reading this at all lol, you can just skip those two paragraphs or so. Doesn't miss much.
~ Rivana Rita
"Vision," Tech's voice asks, and he sounds... slightly hesitant. Almost awkward in a way that's terrifyingly uncharacteristically un-Tech-like. Tech is never hesitant or wary or cautious about anything, and it drives me crazy, and I'm so, so scared of something happening to him. He's chest-crushing-ly reckless, and I don't care that's not a word. It scares me half to death all the time. One of the only things that really does scare me. Guess the one thing about Tech that hasn't ever changed is that he's creepy.
"Yeah?" I ask, bouncing off my seat. My helmet's on, holding my hair back, but sometimes it just makes my head hot and itchy. Omega and I got the same design of helmets – ones that don't have anything over the front and are a very dull shade of light gray.
"I'm aware you said you did not want this," he says, approaching me from the back. I do a double-take when I see him, inhaling deeply. That's my energy bow – even if it's blatantly the wrong color now. The one that was destroyed on Bracca, and he offered to fix. I'd honestly forgotten about it. That's the one I nearly killed Omega with. "But Omega wanted me to fix it for you."
"W – what for?" I ask. "I mean, I..." I don't know how to react to this. I never wanted to see it again, even if it was about four months ago – that's almost half a year – but Tech still fixed it up for me. He – he didn't have to.
Tech holds it out to me, and my hands are shaking when I take it, the somewhat heavy weight dropping into my arms. I remember this. I... I held this, fought with this, but I don't want to use it. I have so many feelings about it, and with a strangling rush, I realize it reminds me of Crosshair. We haven't talked about him in – I think it's been two months now. Don't really remember. But it's been a very, very long time. I don't want to think about that.
"Omega requested I complete this for... your anniversary," he says, "But I was uncertain you would have wanted it then."
"Yeah," I whisper, blinking back tears. I wouldn't have reached very well to seeing it back then. I'd been so depressed, I'd basically yelled at Omega for trying to get me out of bed. Which was so lazy, but I didn't have the energy to move. I still don't think I do. Many things have changed since then, but one thing that never has is how I constantly feel so exhausted. "Thank you," I whisper. "I think 'mega could use a spare, but I... this isn't mine anymore." I don't trust myself to use it. Don't quite want to tell Tech that, though. "Thank you, though," I repeat, blinking a few times.
"I suspected that would be your reaction," Tech replies.
I nod a little, feeling the cold weight of it in my hands. That he went through all that to make this for me, that he was still... well, he likes fixing things, just like I do, but still. The time and effort he put into this was obvious. Omega had damaged it badly when she stabbed it. When she nearly stabbed me.
But this is Tech, and he made it for me. He made something for me. I get that it was technically already mine, but he still... did this. No one does things for me. No one ever... makes me things, and that he did is... This is Tech. We don't really get along and he's certainly never done something for me before.
"How long did this take you?" I have to ask incredulously. I almost don't want to know, but I – he made this for me. Whether I use it or not, I should know how much it took.
"It had been a week before Omega intended to return it to you." Oh. They... waited a week to give me something because they thought I'd like it, but then I was a grouch, and they never gave it to me, and Tech kept it for a couple months instead. Ah. What a sweet little sister.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I didn't know." How'd they even hide it from me? To be fair, I wasn't overly explorative at that point. I hadn't wanted to move at all – it'd been so hard to get up every morning.
Still is.
I still expect to be beside Crosshair sometimes.
"I'm aware," Tech replies, "We were attempting to conceal it from you, and you were not being overly attentive."
I promised I'd never touch this thing again. The things it reminds me of are... not things I want to think about. Or dwell on. Or – anything. I never wanted to see it again. Almost hadn't realized we still had it, even if we never throw things away. Guess I'd just forgotten about it because I never saw it lying around. Makes me wonder if anyone saw what I did to Crosshair's helmet.
"Thanks. I – I never thought I'd use it again. I can't quite imagine it." I've gotten better with a blaster, and with my knife. That's my preferred fighting style, though it's hard to get to use. We don't often fight droids, and I'm a bit wary about using it on people or animals.
"What will you do with it?" Tech inquires. I think Omega's watching me from somewhere in the back, but I don't look up.
"Keep it," I answer immediately, "I won't need it, but... maybe 'mega will sometime. Besides, you made it for me. It's special." I look at it again. They even went through the pain of painting it light blue. My favorite color is dark blue, the color most of my clothes are, but light blue's close enough, and I like it better than gold. Well, it's not all blue, but I think Omega painted most of what she could reach. I remember seeing blue paint on her clothes a few times, but I couldn't figure out what it was about. I never asked. Didn't have the energy to. That makes me feel even worse.
"Thank you," I whisper again, bolting forwards and throwing an arm around his waist, squeezing tightly. I don't let it linger, because I've gotten the point that Tech finds it weird. I move past him, not looking at the others, even if I know they're all watching me.
This is – it's something of my past, just like... like he was.
My heart is hammering when I pause in front of the crate. I don't want the others to see what I did here, but I doubt they'll look, and it doesn't really matter. I'm sure I was the last one to open it. I'm sure I always will be the last. It's not like – stop it.
I open the crate.
My eyes fall first on the picture I'd slept with every night since leaving Kamino. For a moment, I consider looking at it, but then I remember Hunter's face and I don't touch it. I drop my energy bow inside, hearing it fall on top with a clang, just staring for a moment.
Maybe Crosshair and I are more alike than I want to think about. Both of us tried to kill our sisters. Hurt our families in more ways than I can count. Doubt I'm done, either. It'll only be the beginning. Always is.
I love him.
I hate him.
Don't want to think about that, though.
Guess part of me will still be with him.
I shut the crate. Stare at it a moment before turning away. It feels like I'm putting to rest a piece of myself forever. I wish I actually knew what I was.
"You're not an experiment, Vision," I remember Echo saying so, so long ago when we were still in their barracks, and the memory is enough to bring tears to my eyes. "You're a person, and you deserve to be one, no matter what Nala Se told you."
Wish I actually understood what that meant.
**w**
We move on, but Crosshair is still lingering at the forefront of my mind. I think about him all the time.
I want to know how we failed. What I did that made him leave us. What all my brothers could have done to him to make him care about us so little that he'd be willing to walk out without looking back, because he never did. If he had, he wouldn't have left.
Wouldn't've... any of what he did.
He wouldn't have tried to slit Hunter's throat and have shot Wrecker. I can't forgive him for either, or for trying to kill us, but for as much as I wish I'd have had the courage to punch him in the face, I know I never could've and I'd regret it every moment. I regret yelling at him as it is. Hitting him is something else entirely.
I'm... I'm glad I hugged him. I wouldn't have wanted us to part ways on any other terms. I wonder if he still thinks about us. If... he cares, but I know he doesn't, so I don't know why I can't stop brooding. It won't bring him back. Nothing will. Not crying, so if I can please convince myself to stop, thank you, I'd appreciate it very deeply.
I know what he did to us, and I'm so, so angry at him for it. It's a constant burning fury humming beneath my skin, burning through my veins. I never know when the next person to walk away from me will be. I'm terrified too – no matter how it happens, cuz I know it will. I never thought I could lose Crosshair. He promised me he wouldn't leave. I believed him. I don't know why.
"He made his choice, Vision, and he did not choose us."
Tech said the same thing. So did Echo. What... if none of them are? I'm so, so afraid of being left alone and everyone being gone, and I can't even be useful to them anymore. I feel like a shadow. Whatever I used to be was something from a dream.
I don't know how to go back, though it often feels like I want to. I do want to, just – it's not possible. I can't unwind time, no matter how itchingly desperately I yearn for it. I do. I want to be that chaotic, cheerful little girl I used to be, and maybe I'm still chaotic, but I'm not cheerful. I'm just... dark. Empty.
Everything feels empty. We all do. We just have a game going to see who will break first, who will be able to take it in silence the longest.
Another thing Crosshair started. Another thing that I know only he can end.
Just another thing he did to us, and the list goes on. It never ends, any more than our time away.
**w**
Echo is so restless all the time. It hurts, if I'm being honest. It feels like he... wants more than us, that we're not enough for him, and I hate myself beyond reality to know I feel the same. When I look around, I feel empty. I don't feel anything, and it feels like I'm trapped living in a lie. Like whatever I'm seeing... isn't what I wanna be seeing.
I know who I want. I know it's impossible.
I want to hurt the Empire. I wanna burn it to the ground. I want to burn the whole galaxy because it'd be fun, and I think it might do something to the gaping void in my heart.
I'm so, so selfish. I shouldn't want more than my family. I'm where I belong, but I'm not doing what I need to do. I'm not helping them. I'm just getting in everyone's way. I need to keep 'mega safe. That's all that's supposed to matter, but the rage doesn't stop.
"You know," I tell him one day when he's on watch and we're sitting on Ord Mantell, waiting for Cid to send us on another mission, "I wanna destroy the Empire, too. I want to hurt them. It feels like we... we're not doing anything."
Echo sighs. "It doesn't," he agrees, "I know why Hunter doesn't want to fight. I know he's just trying to protect us, but there're others out there who need our help."
I nod, biting my lip. I keep doing that. Dunno why. (It reminds me of Crosshair.) "Hunter's doing his best," I reply, "He always does. He protects us. And... he usually makes it. But sometimes... I just want... more."
"Do you want to fight the Empire?" Echo asks me quietly.
"Yeah." I look away, fidgeting, "Honestly, yeah. But it won't change anything. We're six people and the... everything that comes with that. We can't do that. I guess... I always thought I'd get to fight in the war, that it'd last long enough for me to, and it should be a good thing it already ended, but now that it's gone, I don't know where I belong."
"You belong with us," Echo replies, "You always have."
"And so do you," I tell him, lifting my head to look at him, "You are one of us, Echo, even if you were a reg once. I know you're afraid of someone dying, but Hunter will protect us. He always has. I know he always will."
"Hunter can't control everything, Vision."
"He doesn't need to." I know that – learned it the hard way on Daro. I still freeze up whenever I see Hunter fall, even if he jumped. Which is crazy, because I don't hesitate to jump off anything.
"I know," Echo agrees, "But we have other brothers out there. Fives –" That his voice shudders on the name is something we both ignore, though I reach over to grab his hand, anyway. "Died for all of us. He was trying to stop this. I want to finish what he started."
"How long before it's enough? How many worlds can we burn before it's enough? Before we want to stop fighting?"
"We're clones," Echo points out, "We can't live well in a world without war."
"The galaxy's always gonna have war. But how many will we need to put our names in before we give it up? I have everything I need here, so why do I still..."
"Vision," Echo tells me gently, and I glance up at him before I have to look away again. "The Clone Wars is over. The war we were made to fight in is over, and if we fight again, it will be our own choice."
"And wouldn't it be... good to get to choose a fight for once?"
"It would be for our brothers," he adds, "In a way, that's already what we're doing, only the risks we're taking aren't as great."
"I know Hunter says 'mega shouldn't live in war," I continue, "But I don't know if she wants anything else. I know I don't, but I don't think he's... able to. I know what Kamino did to him. He's never been... the same since." Crosshair hurt him, I want to say, but some things are far beyond words. I can't bring myself to mention him so bluntly. "We've all changed. I know he still dreams."
"We all do," Echo objects, "It's normal."
"Normal?" I whisper-hiss, trying to keep it down so Hunter back inside doesn't hear, even if he is sleeping right now. "That's not supposed to be normal!" Has Echo seen him cry? I have. I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head.
"It's not that it doesn't matter. It's just... normal for those in action. It happens all the time."
"Echo," I sigh, closing my eyes, "Hunter has been hurt by this. I can't ignore that."
"I'm not saying he should, but he's a sergeant. He knows how to take care of himself."
"That isn't what family's about, Echo. If... you wanna help your brothers, I think we need to start with each other."
"What do you want me to do?" he queries.
"I dunno. Just... there's so much tension. Everything's..." I trail off, pressing my forehead into my hands, sighing. I'm so exhausted. I want to sleep. "Everything is so quiet," I whisper. "So lifeless. We feel so... cold. Like somethin's dead."
I want to cry again, but I'm not fully certain I've ever stopped. I just want to sink into someone's arms and let them hold me, but I can't do that anymore. Could've let Hunter do it once, but he needs someone to take care of him, too. That's what I'm trying to explain to Echo.
"You don't have to do everything alone," I say, because I feel like I need to for some reason. Maybe I need to say it for myself, too. "The point of families is so we can do it together."
"Yeah," Echo agrees finally. "But it's still our duty to protect them, too."
"For you, maybe." I have to leave it there, because I have nothing more to say about it. I don't care about the regs. Okay, that's not true, but they're not the ones I'd do anything for. They were never kind to me or my brothers, and they never cared about us.
I think Echo or I is going to break first. Echo because he's been through so much already, and me because I'm just... breakable.
I can't blame him for this, even if it's hard for me to... agree with. I get it, though. Guess that's what matters. I want to hurt everything for hurting me, too, and I wonder how much of his reaction is just grief over Kamino and Crosshair as it is his inability to let go of how he used to be. (I wonder how long it'll be before he walks away, too.)
**w**
Everything's falling apart. I can't even deny that anymore. I never realized exactly how bad it was until the moment I realize I can't talk to Omega anymore. I came here too. Meant to. But when I try, nothing comes out, and it feels like I'm looking at someone else. This isn't the gentle, soft person who always sat by me, stood by me no matter what was happening anymore.
I'm taller than her now. She's let her hair grow longer, and I think it fits her better, but she's so... dark. Distant. She doesn't want me.
Omega doesn't talk to me anymore, either. I can't even remember the last time we did – I think it was after Kamino? Maybe? But whenever we interact, it's always passing and offhanded, fleeting comments about missions. We never talk about us anymore.
And why should we? I need to take care of her. I'm supposed to protect her, the same way our brothers do, and Omega – she doesn't have to worry about me anymore. We're with our brothers. She's fine. She's home. She has everything she wants now.
Which, apparently, is a buncha random besties who she knows for no more than two days and never sees again.
It's not me.
She hardly looks at me anymore.
She shouldn't. I'm a disgrace. A failure. I was supposed to bring us together, and I couldn't even do that. I tried to kill her. I tried to slit her throat the same way Crosshair did Hunter. I'm – I – don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve her, and she has every right to hate me forever. I'm so awful. And selfish.
I try to pretend I don't see Hunter looking at her with the same gutted longing I feel. Can't say anything to him about it, except squeezing his arm whenever I see that look on his face and moving on. Don't know how to address it with him, either.
But Wrecker...
Wrecker's the one I have to talk to.
I see it on him, too – the way he's become so withdrawn and empty and dark. He might still laugh, but it's always so weighted and so rare. He doesn't have the same energy anymore, either, and he and Omega never had the same closeness as she did with me, but I just can't ignore it. This is Wrecker. He doesn't deserve to be hurt.
"I know she's distant now," I tell him finally, sitting down beside him as we watch her talking to a – whatever species that is? And whatever the name of her new random best friend is? I don't have the energy to care. I stopped caring about everything a long time ago. Crosshair took my heart.
I remember the feel of my blade digging into my arm and if I hadn't promised Hunter I'd never do it again, I'd be tempted. Okay. I am tempted, but I made a promise. Can't break it, y'know? Doesn't stop me from digging my nails into my arm. Hard – my sleeves are longer than Omega's, and they're long enough to hide it.
Wrecker's head turns towards me, something confusedly uncertain in his eyes.
"Omega," I answer his unasked question. My arm is throbbing a bit. "She's distant now. She's hardly talked to me since Kamino."
"Oh," Wrecker says, and I kinda feel like the sheer emotional-ness of this conversation is already going over his head.
I rest my head on his arm, trying not to actually look at him. I don't know why that's made me so uncomfortable. To be fair, I never really have – I used to be able to See how people were feeling out ever seeing their faces. I can't do that anymore. Can guess, but it's not the same. Trying to constantly see the world through my brother's points of view is so exhausting. I'm still half afraid I'm turning into a Tech, though. He never looks at people.
"I miss her, even if we're on the same ship. It's ridiculous. 'n I don't want her to know, but I want it to stop, and... do you ever feel ignored?" Two lines in, and I'm already making this all about me. Ugh. I wish I could stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure he does, though, but I still have to ask. Wrecker's a bit unpredictable like that.
"Uh. Sometimes," he admits. Clearer answer than I thought I'd get.
"I know Tech would say change is... a natural part of life, but I don't want it to," I say, scooting back and touching his arm. My hands still look ridiculously tiny compared to Wrecker's, though. "I guess we have to let Omega... make the choices she wants, too, even if it hurts."
"She's still here," Wrecker points out.
"Doesn't really feel like it."
"Oh," he says again, and I'm unrightfully annoyed it feels like that's all he can say.
"I know we'd changed after we left Kamino and after I got older, but I guess I never thought about what it'd mean for me to hafta take care of her."
Wrecker pulls me into his side in a hug. "Bein' older is hard," he says, and I get the very, very distinct feeling he's talking about Crosshair.
Huh. Maybe Echo and I aren't the only ones on our breaking points, after all.
Guess it really is a game, cuz I have no idea who'll come out on top. Or, who'll come out at all.
**w**
Tech is – well, the one thing about Tech that has never changed, and never will for as long as either of us are alive, is that he drives me crazy. And stresses me out to death. And – yeah, that sorta thing.
"Oh, nice," I tell him, way too sarcastically, when I see him again after a mission gone especially screwed-up-ly, "You nearly died time number, what was that?"
"It is of no concern," Tech replies flippantly, "I am well accustomed to it."
"Ohhhhhh, sure. Keep tellin' yourself that. Suppose saying we couldn't do this without you is a bit tpo sappy for ya." I whirl away, curls flying across my face and stalk off.
I feel bad for walking out on him, but I'm so, so angry. I'm terrified we'll lose him, one way or another, and I'd much rather him have been alive to walk out on us than to die. I couldn't survive that. None of us could. We need him, the same way we needed Crosshair, and to lose anyone else would destroy us.
Not the first time I've fought with Tech, either – it happens all the time. There's a reason Hunter never leaves us with the ship alone. Hardly the first time I've hurt him.
It's Hunter I end up talking to about it. As always.
"I know I shouldn't think about it so much," I admit, "But I'm – I'm worried. 'bout losing him. About... something going badly someday."
Hunter's so good at hiding his emotions, but I can still read his eyes, and well – Hunter's easy to read if you actually know him. He's worried, too. "We'll be fine, Vision," he replies soothingly, "That's why we avoid taking risks."
"You mean that's why you try to," I remind, "Cuz no one else really seems to listen."
Hunter sighs. He looks tired – a sort of bone-deep exhaustion gnawing at him everywhere he goes. I feel it, too, and I wish there was something I could do. Wish there was some way I had to take it away, to make it better. There's not, though – I already know that. "We'll be fine, Vision," he says, and it feels more like a prayer than anything else.
Yeah. I don't believe him. Might've once. Wish I still could.
But I get the point, and I should stop talking about things that make him uncomfortable. I should just... leave it. "We'll be fine," I echo, and it's more of a desperate hope than a promise, but I mean it as one, anyway. I'm going to protect us, too, no matter what it takes.
Even if I have to be the one to take it for them.
(Especially if I do. Not like I matter enough for anyone to miss me, anyway.)
(I didn't to Crosshair.)
(And they're not Crosshair, but – but 'mega – yeah. I think that says enough.)
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