Donna had obviously not disappointed anyone regarding her ability to get appointments in record time, and that's how she and Harvey found themselves at the hospital two days after their conversation in the files room.
The redhead had offered to accompany him and had been pleasantly surprised by his positive response, although she had planned to go with him anyway even if he had said no. As they walked through the hospital's sterile corridors, Donna kept glancing at Harvey, who seemed lost in his thoughts, his usual confident demeanor slightly subdued.
Harvey had first been seen by a doctor who asked him questions about his habits, lifestyle, and symptoms before being directed to a nurse for a blood test. Donna watched anxiously, her mind racing with worries she couldn't voice. After that, the couple was taken to a small adjoining room where the nurse explained that someone would come to take him for a brain scan.
"I'll let you take off your shirt and shoes, and put on this hospital gown. You can keep your pants on. Your wife, however, will have to wait here."
Donna was about to reply that she wasn't his wife or even his girlfriend, but Harvey nodded and thanked the nurse before she could open her mouth. She felt a pang in her chest, a mix of frustration and something deeper she didn't want to acknowledge.
"Do you want me to leave ?" she asked, choosing the safety of changing the subject as she saw him starting to remove his tie. This wasn't the place to start thinking about her feelings, but damn, it was hard not to with Harvey's behavior.
.
"If it makes you uncomfortable, of course, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. It's just a shirt, Donna," Harvey joked without even looking at her but couldn't help noticing how natural it felt to undress in front of Donna before the redhead pointed it out.
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Their movements were perfectly synchronized. Harvey removed his jacket and shirt, and Donna collected them, neatly placing them on the back of the chair because she knew how much the lawyer hated wrinkled clothes. She finally understood why the nurse thought they were married—they acted like it. He finally took off his t-shirt, and Donna could witness what she had feared. Harvey had lost a lot of weight. Too much. He had always been a fit, athletic man, and thus rather muscular. Sometimes there was a thin layer of fat when he had less time for sports, sometimes he was leaner when his schedule allowed him to engage in his hobbies. But now, there was certainly no fat and very little muscle, and although she still found him just as attractive, she knew how much Harvey cared about his appearance. This proved to her once again that something was really wrong, and she hoped the doctors could quickly explain what was going on so they could do something about it.
Lost in her thoughts, Donna didn't notice Harvey's mocking smile when he caught her staring.
"See something you like?"
Donna raised an eyebrow, unimpressed at being caught. "You wish, Specter. You wish."
Harvey didn't reply but donned the hospital gown, laughing at the redhead's retort as the nurse came to take him for the scan.
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Several minutes later, they were both back in the hall, waiting for the doctor with Harvey's results. The lawyer was scrolling through his emails on his phone while Donna was fretting about the possible results they might hear. So, she decided to distract herself, even if it meant broaching a sensitive topic.
"You never told me what happened at the gala."
"What do you mean ?" Harvey asked absently, focused on his phone.
"You left like a thief after Louis's speech, and don't think I didn't hear what you said to Paula," Donna elaborated.
This finally caught her friend's attention, and he turned to her. "Nothing important."
"You told her she was hurting you, Harvey. That's important." She could see he was trying to avoid the conversation, but since their moment in the file room, she had promised herself to push him to find out what was wrong. The redhead was convinced that his distress was also partly due to his relationship, and she refused to let him escape again.
"No, it isn't," insisted the lawyer. "She squeezed my hand too hard, I pulled back and told her she was hurting me. End of story."
Donna stared at him in disbelief, hearing him say that so casually. After all, she might have been overthinking things, but she needed to know, to be sure she had misjudged the situation and that everything was fine. But Donna wasn't known for misreading situations.
"Did she do it on purpose?"
"Donna," Harvey warned, clearly not wanting to answer.
"Harvey," she said in the same tone. "Did she do it on purpose, yes or no?"
"Look, I—"
"Yes or no, Harvey." She cut him off, knowing he would evade and never answer because she already knew the answer, and it wasn't going to please her.
"Yes." Harvey capitulated before deciding to justify the act because Donna's eyes were blazing right now. "Look, I did something wrong, I was a real jerk, it's my fault, okay ? So don't be too hard on her."
"You did something wrong and that justifies her hurting you ? Are you kidding me ?!"
"Don't overreact, she didn't hurt me, she just squeezed my hand a little too hard. It's not a big deal," Harvey tempered, but it didn't have the desired effect. Donna was getting angrier, and Harvey more and more uncomfortable.
"Not a big deal ?! Harvey, you pulled your hand back and told her it hurt you, and you're not one to be sensitive to pain. Then you left without looking back. It is a big deal," the redhead assured him.
"Donna…"
"Let me put this in perspective," Donna cut him off, her voice sharp with frustration. "Imagine the reverse, just for a minute. I'm in a relationship with a man, I apparently do something wrong, and in return, the guy hurts me. What would come to your mind?"
.
"What would come to my mind ?!" Harvey repeated, his jaw clenched, his entire body tense as he imagined someone hurting Donna. "You mean besides killing the guy ?!"
"Exactly my point !"
Harvey closed his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply, trying to calm the storm of emotions roiling inside him. Arguing with the most important person in his life was the last thing he wanted. "Donna, this has nothing to do with what Paula and I—"
"It has everything to do with it, Harvey," Donna interrupted again, her tone desperate. She took a step closer, her eyes searching his. "It's exactly the same, and why don't you see it ? Because you're a man ?!"
Harvey's shoulders sagged slightly. "Why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not mad. I'm outraged and desperate that you can't understand that what happened is wrong."
Harvey didn't respond because Donna didn't have all the information. If she knew what he had done, she would probably agree with Paula. His mind raced, trying to find a way to explain, but words failed him.
"Listen," Donna said, her voice softening but still firm. "I'm just saying, if she does something like this again—and don't even think about hiding it from me, you know I'll find out—I'll come after her, and it won't be pretty."
"And I thought I was the more protective one," he joked, trying to lighten the conversation, though his heart wasn't in it.
"You are, and you always will be. But you know me. You know I will turn into a real lioness if someone hurts the people I love. No one wants to face an angry Harvey Specter, but trust me, no one wants to face Donna Paulsen if someone hurts you."
Of course, he knew. He would kill for Donna, he would probably die for Donna, and he knew for a fact the feeling was mutual. But knowing it and hearing it were two different things.
"Donna," he murmured, the depth of his feelings for her evident in his tone.
"I know," the redhead reassured him, taking his hand, her touch grounding him. "I know."
.
At that moment, the doctor arrived and invited them into his office. The two friends sat down opposite the doctor as he began to speak, unaware of the intense conversation that had just taken place.
"Well, Mr. Specter, I have some good news and some not-so-good news. The good news is that the tests we conducted came back negative. There's nothing in the scan that could explain your memory loss, and your blood test doesn't show anything abnormal, aside from a few deficiencies related to your loss of appetite, which could explain your recurring nausea and vomiting," the doctor enumerated.
"But ?"
"Given the symptoms you've described, it's highly likely that the cause is more psychological rather than due to an actual health problem." Harvey paused, frowning, trying to understand what the doctor was explaining to him.
"You're saying I'm insane ?!" Harvey's voice rose, incredulous and angry. Donna sensed the moment when she needed to intervene before Harvey did something regrettable to the poor doctor.
"Harvey, he didn't say that. There's obviously a cause that we haven't found yet," she said, giving the doctor a hard look so he wouldn't contradict her. "But simply put, your mental health can also impact your body."
Harvey let out a joyless laugh before rising from his seat. "I knew it was a waste of time coming here."
.
The lawyer stormed out of the hospital, finding himself outside, completely overwhelmed by the situation. He had agreed to come here for answers, and now he had even more questions than before. He could concede that some of the nausea was due to self-disgust and what he was putting Paula and Donna through, but waking up in the middle of the night sick had nothing to do with his brain, he was convinced of that. Likewise with his memory loss—why would his brain want to make him forget parts of his day ? It made no sense to Harvey. He tried to turn the problem over in his mind from every angle, but he couldn't find any sensible answers, and it was starting to drive him crazy. Maybe this doctor was right. Maybe he should just be locked up. Maybe his mental health was worse than he thought. Maybe he didn't belong here. Maybe he was going to become a danger to others. Maybe it would be better for everyone if he were gone. If he stopped liv—
"Harvey !" Donna had caught up with him, her face etched with concern, as if she had heard all the questions he was silently grappling with.
"Donna, I don't want to talk about it," Harvey said, his tone weary. This afternoon had drained him more than he anticipated.
"Harvey, I'm on your side, and you know I believe the same as you. I'm convinced this isn't just in your head, and we'll figure it out. Trust me, we'll figure it out."
"I always trust you," Harvey replied automatically, his voice tinged with the remnants of frustration and fatigue.
"Remember those words in a few seconds because you're not going to like what I'm about to say." Harvey frowned, not understanding where the conversation was going. "You should see a new psychiatrist."
"What ? No, I've dealt with my issues in therapy."
"Really ? All your issues ? And nothing new has come up since ?" Harvey sighed at Donna's perceptiveness. It was very convenient in some situations, but it also meant he couldn't hide anything from her. "Exactly, we both know you need to talk to someone. Mental health is just as important as everything else. Please, Harvey, you need to take care of yourself." Once again, she had that pleading, tender look that he couldn't refuse anything.
"Donna, I know exactly how this will go. If I tell Paula that I'm seeing another therapist, she'll just say I don't need one and that I can talk to her directly." Harvey's voice was laced with frustration and resignation. He leaned back against the cold hospital wall, his arms crossed defensively.
.
Donna narrowed her eyes at his explanation, her gaze piercing through him. She couldn't decide which was worse: that Paula might actually prevent him from seeing a health professional or that Harvey didn't seem to see the problem with his girlfriend-ex-therapist still wanting to play therapist.
"Harvey, if you don't see the problem in what you just told me, then this relationship is even more toxic than I thought and you really need to see someone." Her tone was sharp, almost accusatory, as she stepped closer, refusing to back down.
"Because I'm damaged, right ?" Harvey shot back, his voice rising. He ran a hand through his hair, his usual composed demeanor cracking.
"No, you're not damaged. You just keep everything to yourself, Harvey, and that's not good for anyone." Donna's voice softened, but her intensity didn't waver. She reached out, touching his arm lightly. "What you don't say builds up inside you. It turns into insomnia, lumps in your throat, nostalgia, doubts, pain, and sadness. You don't even cry. You don't even let yourself have that release. What you don't say doesn't die, it kills you."
.
Her words hit Harvey like a punch to the gut. He watched helplessly as tears began to flow down Donna's cheeks, turning into uncontrollable sobs. The sight of her in such pain, pain he knew he was the cause of, shattered him.
"Donna, don't cry." Seeing her like this broke his heart. He pulled her into his arms instinctively, holding her tightly, trying to calm her sobs. "I'm sorry, okay ? I'll see someone. Don't get so upset over me." His voice was a soothing murmur as he rocked her gently, his hand stroking her hair.
.
She stayed silent for a moment, not trusting her voice, secretly appreciating being in Harvey's arms. His embrace was warm, protective, and she felt a sense of comfort she hadn't felt in a long time. When her sobs finally subsided, she was able to speak, her words muffled against his chest.
"You need to take care of yourself, Harvey. You think I didn't notice earlier how much weight you've lost ? You hide it well under your $1500 suits, but the reality is there. And if you're doing this badly physically, I'm terrified of what's going on inside your head." She pulled back slightly, looking up into his eyes, her expression pleading. "So I'm begging you, Harvey, take care of yourself."
"I will," he said, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, his lips lingering for a moment. "I promise." He continued to rock her, his arms around her providing a sense of safety they both desperately needed.
When he got home that evening, Harvey was deep in thought about what to do next. Should he undergo more tests at the risk of looking even crazier ? Should he tell Paula he was going to see another psychiatrist ? Or should he do it without telling her and then deal with the consequences later ? So many questions, yet no answers were coming. His mind buzzed with anxiety as he turned his key in the lock, entering his condo with a heavy heart.
He walked into the kitchen and found Paula, drinking a glass of water, with a glass of scotch waiting for him. The young woman also seemed lost in thought, a mixture of tiredness and annoyance etched on her face.
"Hey, is everything alright ?" Harvey asked as he approached her, gently touching her arm because she hadn't seemed to notice his presence.
"Yes, I... Can I ask you a question ?" she sighed. Yes, Harvey had guessed right, she seemed upset.
"Of course. What's on your mind ?" Harvey encouraged, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, his movements deliberate, trying to maintain a semblance of calm.
"Where were you this afternoon ?" Harvey raised an eyebrow at the question, which seemed perfectly innocent but clearly wasn't, given Paula's tone.
"I was working." Harvey really didn't want to explain to Paula what had happened that afternoon, especially why he had chosen to go with Donna instead of his girlfriend.
"That's very strange because I tried to reach you, and when you didn't answer, I called your secretary, who told me you were out of the office for the afternoon. So I asked if you were meeting a client, since you don't really meet clients anymore since your job changed, and she explained to me she didn't know what the appointment was about because she hadn't scheduled it—Donna did. And she said that you were with Donna all afternoon. So, I'll ask you again, Harvey, where were you this afternoon ?"
"Oh, so it's not about what I was doing, it's about who I was doing it with. So I'll tell you again, I was working."
"Since when do external meetings happen with a secretary ?" Paula's voice was rising, the anger barely contained.
"Since the secretary is the current COO of the firm," Harvey replied quickly, his own temper flaring.
Paula let out a nervous laugh. "Oh yes, the promotion, I forgot."
"What's that supposed to mean ?" Harvey knew he would regret asking this question. Paula's sarcastic tone didn't sit well with him. His fists clenched, but he didn't want to fight, so he forced himself to unclench them and placed his hands flat on the kitchen counter.
"Did the promotion come before or after she got on her knees ?" Paula spat out without thinking. She knew she shouldn't have said that—it was childish and cruel. She realized her mistake when she saw the look of hatred in Harvey's eyes.
"Don't talk about her like that, Paula, or I swear..."
"What ?" she cut him off, raising her voice, unimpressed by the lawyer's threat. "I'm tired of being the third person in this relationship, Harvey !"
"And you think insulting her is going to make things better ? Say you're sorry." His jaw was clenched, and he was taking deep breaths to try to calm down and not yell. Paula was yelling enough for the both of them, and he didn't want to make things worse, but hearing her talk about Donna that way, insinuating that she... Fuck, he was really going to lose his mind if she kept pushing him.
"Harvey, make your choice. You can't have everything in life !"
"Oh my God, you are unbelievable. You call me a liar, you insult Donna, and now you're giving me an ultimatum."
"We can't be three in this relationship !"
"Don't do this, Paula. Don't make me choose," Harvey was leaning on the counter as if he could bear all his weight and mental load, but Paula's words were still too heavy to carry, making his shoulders sag. It was too much, he felt the explosion coming as Paula kept pushing.
"Why not ?!" she shouted.
"Because you're gonna lose !" He finally screamed his answer, unable to hold back anymore. It didn't really make him feel better, but it had the effect of stunning Paula, who was on the verge of tears, realizing her worst fear was coming true.
"Are you telling me that between your friend and your girlfriend, you choose the friend ?" she asked again, her face frozen in disbelief.
"I'm saying that between a 13-year friendship and a 3-month relationship, the 13 years of friendship take precedence, yes."
"Damn it, Harvey, I'm your girlfriend !"
In her rage, Paula threw her glass of water at the counter in Harvey's direction, shattering it into pieces. Fortunately, Harvey's reflexes were good enough to put a hand in front of his face before a shard of glass could hit his head, but he couldn't prevent the palm of his hand from being cut quite badly.
"Shit," Harvey hissed in pain. He looked at the damage on his hand and grabbed a dish towel to stop the bleeding. The cut spanned almost his entire palm and was likely deep enough to cause significant bleeding but superficial enough not to need to go to the hospital.
Paula approached him, but he didn't want to look at her, talk to her, or even get close to her. Not after what she had said about Donna. He wasn't even sure if an apology would suffice. She tried to reach out to check his wound, but he pulled back sharply, like a wounded animal. "Don't touch me."
"Harvey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Let me do..." Paula begged, her voice cracking.
"I think you've done enough." He stepped back again, feeling trapped in his own home. She was everywhere in his personal space, and he didn't want her anywhere near him. What she had said about Donna and her overreaction to the situation had sealed his decision.
"You should go home tonight," he murmured, his voice tinged with anger and pain. Fuck, this was going to hurt for a while.
"Harvey…" Paula tried to reason with him, but by the look on his face, she understood it was best to let him calm down for the night. "I'll call you in the morning," the young woman informed him before heading towards the door, tears in her eyes.
.
The sound of the closing door should have made him sad and disappointed to have reached this point, but Harvey felt nothing but inner peace. He couldn't even remember the last time he had been alone in his condo. The relief coursing through his body and mind was another sign that he needed to end this relationship because even though Paula's behavior had been more than intolerable, he couldn't inflict it on her. She was right about one thing: there were three people in this relationship, even if Donna was probably unaware of it. No relationship could ever heal him from Donna. No woman would ever be enough to erase his feelings for Donna, just as he would never be enough for Donna either. He had to accept that and deal with it.
With resignation, he headed to the bathroom to rinse his hand, apply a compress, and bandage his palm before changing into more comfortable clothes, trying not to strain his hand too much. That should be enough to stop the bleeding. He then returned to the mess in the kitchen to pick up the pieces of glass on the counter and floor before throwing everything away. Harvey paused for a moment on the glass of scotch that Paula had prepared for him. He hesitated for a moment but eventually grabbed the glass and drank it in one gulp before heading straight to bed despite the early hour. Harvey was usually a night owl, but this day had drained the last ounce of energy he had, and before he could even think about enjoying his bed alone for the first time in weeks, his eyes decided to close as soon as they touched his pillow.
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He woke up a few hours later in the early hours of the night, groggy and barely aware of his surroundings, trying to remember the past few hours amidst the nausea. The screams. The glass. His hand. His hand was throbbing with pain. Harvey raised it to inspect it and touched the bandage with his good hand, not immediately understanding why the bandage was wet. He brought his hand closer to his nose and smelled a metallic odor. The fabric was soaked with blood to the point where the sheets were probably stained as well. Maybe he did need to go to the hospital and get a few stitches. He fought back the nausea and dizziness as best as he could, pausing when he got out of bed to avoid falling. He had to hold onto the walls to move forward without stumbling too much and managed to make his way to the elevator at the end of his floor's corridor. It took Harvey a lot of deep breaths and self-control to avoid vomiting in the elevator. Finally reaching the ground floor, he tried to ask the concierge to call him a cab, but he lost consciousness and collapsed to the ground before he could open his mouth.