Trigger warning: Suicide.

This time it's Linneagb by the keyboard.

It's told from Mike's POV.

So many of these days just kept on going by, Tracy had been out of hospital and back at work for months now. But she would for sure need help for years forward, if not always. I couldn't say I cared for that- if it was my and Cam's help she needed to get better. We would both be staying with Tracy for every second of the day if we'd be able to. Then, all we could do some day was to be there for her and show her we were.

It was about to turn into one of days the cold day at the middle of January. I had a meeting with the social services to go to in town, it was early in the afternoon and Tracy had had the morning shift but left (or so I thought) so when I left Gina was ready to be here to look over our lot.

I hummed slightly to myself while I took my coat and watched out the door where small, balls of ice were pouring down and blowing around in a way worse than I had ever spotted before. But I just kept on having a feeling that something was ought to go wrong while I had to go back to the office for my car keys.

And then my phone rang…

Lily Kettle It read on the screen for a few seconds before I picked up. But I knew that much that Lily had just been here all day, and I met her not even five minutes ago. So it was like those facts only made something clenching in my stomach. In that way only Tracy could make it.

"Hey Lily." I picked up and trusted the fact that she would recognize my voice enough and searched desperately for something to say. "I thought you and Carmen went to take a walk with Shadow."

"We did… But Mike. I don't know if anyone has noticed it yet. But Tracy is sitting out in the garden. She's saying she's fine. But… well… she's obviously not!"

I froze where I stood with my car keys in one hand and my phone in the other, and forgot all about the important meeting I was already very late to while I rushed out into the back yard without saying anything to Lily. And only hung up.

Just like Lily had told me, on one of the old car seats sat Tracy. In the middle of the trees and the ice hail pouring down she was staring right in front of her- I would have thought she didn't feel anything at all if I hadn't known Tracy as well as I did. Or if I didn't know any better.

"Lily gave me a phone call." Was the only thing I could think of saying. "She told me you were here." I sat down and put my arm around her shoulders, but she shook me off. "Okay…"

I just didn't know what to say or do. This was something I hadn't seen before…

"It's cold here. Don't you think?" I held out my hand and some small ice flakes landed in my palm. "Don't you think we should at least sit inside?"

Tracy didn't answer. And I didn't know what to say either. But she obviously wasn't going to move so I hoped it would lead to something when I stood up and took a few steps towards the house and then, first quietly I turned and nodded to the side to go.

"Are you coming?"

I looked back, Tracy didn't seem to make any intention to move or say anything. What was I supposed to do now? What was I supposed to say? I couldn't make her do anything and if the rest wasn't enough the ice was pouring down over us.

Tracy looked so small where she sat, even smaller when I went over to her and put my jacket around her shoulders. It could at least warm her just a little bit.

"I don't think you should only just sit here…" I sighed. "Tracy? Talk to me! You know you can tell me anything… anything at all."

And I knew very well that that wasn't so simple.

But at least she had my coat wrapped around her now. And I had to remind myself that at least- while several sizes too big it would keep her warm and dry… or at least warmer and dryer for a little while.

I opened my mouth to ask again- maybe she hadn't heard me! But closed it again knowing that she had very well..

"Just go!"

I hesitated- I couldn't figure what would be the best. If I actually stood up and walked away I wouldn't help Tracy and make myself angry and disappointed with myself. And if she really wanted me to go- which it seemed like, and I still stayed. I would make her angry…

"Why won't you just go?"

Her voice was turning louder, almost shouting. But I still remembered her so clearly in that hospital bed. And what if I did something wrong and it would send her over the edge again? How many people committed suicide- successfully a day, an hour, a minute maybe?

Could Tracy ever become one of them if I did anything wrong? Could I live with that on my conscience?

"Just go!"

"Should I call Cam… anything?"

"You… should… go…"

I hesitated for just a few seconds. But they felt like hours. And seeing how Tracy…. She just looked! Maybe if I hadn't known Tracy as well as I did…

At last I understood that this wasn't something I knew. Or understood. If I didn't understand it at all how was I supposed to do anything? I couldn't pick Tracy up from where she was and shake her until it let go of… whatever this was.

But still, I knew that Cam was home right now. She was probably writing or doing work around the house. But nothing would ever matter more if she could be there for Tracy. So in my phone I searched up Cam's phone number in my contacts and put my phone to my ear.

At least she picked up already at the first signal.

"Listen…" I said, almost not letting Cam say "hi". "I don't know what it is. But something is wrong with Tracy?" I looked around me, and the storm roaring. "I think you should come I don't know… It just feels like whatever I do right now, I'm going to do it wrong!" I could feel a lump rising in my throat. It felt as if I had waited a very long time with saying this and the words were so heavy.

It didn't make it better when I started half running towards the kitchen door and it almost felt as if the hail falling was cutting my face and forcing me to slow down.

"There's just no single way I can do things right… And I don't know what to do."

Random fact

While I wrote this it started turning up on my Facebook page that September the 10th is a day for suicide prevention. And next week, for the third year I will have some event the church has for it. Usually for lighting candles and listening to some story about someone who committed suicide… either by the police or paramedic. Or a family member.