Well, I've discovered another fandom. As a kid growing up in the golden era of the SciFi Channel, I was aware of this miniseries, but had never watched it until recently. I, of course, loved it and it, of course, generated fanfiction. Any similarities between this and other works of fanfiction are probably not a coincidence though I couldn't tell you any specific ones from the jumbled mess that is my brain. Ending is more abrupt than I would like, but anything I tried to add felt wrong.
Title comes from an Emily Dickinson poem: "Remorse is memory awake."
Memory Awake
DG breathes a sigh of relief as she finally slips into her hidden corner of the garden. It's a small grassy spot, partially shaded by a tree and hidden by tall flowering shrubs on every side. Perfect for playing hooky, just for a day. She tucks herself against the tree and pulls out her sketchbook, wondering idly how long it would take Cain to find her. The man is infuriatingly good at tracking her down. It is a great skill for a bodyguard (or whatever he is to her now), but considerably less impressive when all she wants is a few minutes to herself.
She soon loses herself in her art, letting her mind wander until the sound of booted feet pulls her back. She listens, holding her breath, until she realizes it is just a pair of palace guards and not Cain.
"You know, when I joined the guard, I didn't think my job would involve hunting down runaway princesses," one of them says with a sigh. She doesn't recognize his voice, but few of the guards ever actually speak to her.
His companion laughs. "If you think this is bad, imagine how Cain must feel."
DG blinks.
"What do you mean?" asks the first guard.
"Well, you know he was one of the ones locked in an iron suit? Just imagine being stuck in there for eight annuals and losing your wife and son only to then be stuck here babysitting the kid who caused it all in the first place."
"Hadn't thought about it like that. No wonder he's so unhappy all the time."
DG's breath catches, sticking in her throat as she stares unseeing at the flowers around her. She doesn't hear the rest of the conversation, doesn't even notice that the guards have moved past, too caught up in trying to breathe over the roaring in her ears and the pain in her chest. Was that really how Cain felt? That he was trapped here with the person responsible for all his loss and pain?
She'd known, of course. Known that the witch is her doing, that everything that happened was on her, but she thought things were better now, that the OZ was healing, that it was going to be ok.
But Cain. He'd lost everything because of her. And now he was stuck here. Because of her. Because she'd asked him to stay and he was too noble to say no.
The world spirals down to gray.
Because of her.
Her fault.
It's all her fault.
Dimly, she's aware of a gentle voice and warm, strong hands on her shoulders.
"Breathe, DG, just breathe through it, you're gonna be okay."
She squeezes her eyes shut and focuses on that voice, on the feeling of his touch. After a few minutes, her breathing eases, the world coming back into focus. Cain is crouched in front of her. His concerned expression relaxes a little when she opens her eyes.
"Better?" he asks and she nods. He sits back on his heels, one hand still on her shoulder. "What happened?"
She remembers the conversation she overheard and her eyes prick with tears. "Nothing, I'm fine."
"You don't have panic attacks when you're fine, kid. What's going on?"
"Really it's nothing. I'm sure you have better things to do than babysit me." She gets to her feet, trying to ignore how shaky her legs feel. Cain stands with her, frowning in concern and confusion.
"Nothing's more important than you," he says. "If something's wrong, I want to know about it." Even now, after everything she had done to him, he is trying to comfort her and anger joins her guilt.
"Why do you care?"
He takes a step back and she's stung by the hurt on his face. "What is this about, DG?"
She can't face his eyes. "I just wondered why you were still hanging around. Surely you have a life you want to get back to, things you want to do."
"You want me to leave?"
"I don't want you to feel like you're stuck here. I mean, babysitting a princess has to be a bit of a downgrade from being a Tin Man."
"Keeping you safe isn't a downgrade and it isn't some babysitting job, no matter how much I call you 'kid'. I'm here because I want to be."
"How can you possibly want to be here?"
"Deeg - "
"It was my fault, Cain! I released the witch. All the people that have died, all the pain and suffering . . . " She struggles to draw breath against her tears, against the lump in her throat and the weight on her chest. "I'm the reason you lost your family." Cain has frozen. When she risks a glance, she sees his face is stricken, eyes wide. She clamps her mouth shut against a sob and turns away. "How do you not hate me?"
There's a strangled sound and then Cain is grabbing her shoulders again, bending slightly so he can look her in the eye. "You listen to me," he says, giving her a little shake. "I could never hate you. How can you even think that? That pain and suffering was caused by the witch, not you."
"But I let her out."
"You were just a kid. You were scared, rightfully so. Wasn't your fault. You didn't put me in that suit and you didn't kill Adora." She closes her eyes, a tear running down her cheek, and he shakes her again gently. "Look at me, DG," he says and waits until she does "I don't blame you. Not for any of it. Not now, not ever. And don't you ever go thinking that again." He sighs softly, lips tightening. "You're the one who saved us. Saved me. And I don't just mean from the suit. I owe you a hell of a lot. We all do."
"I just . . . I . . ."
Cain pulls her into a hug, arms tight and warm and safe around her. "I know, kid." When he releases her again, she is able to meet his smile with a small one of her own.
"So, this is where you hid yourself, huh?" He picks up her sketchbook, snorts softly at the picture of Glitch mid-ramble, and hands it to her. "Not a bad spot."
"You still managed to find me though."
"Well, that is my job."
They began the walk back to the palace at a leisurely pace.
"You really don't mind?" DG asks before she can stop herself.
"Mind what?"
"That that's your job. Chasing down runaway princesses and standing around looking intimidating."
"If I minded, I would have left. Like I said, I'm here because I want to be."
"You're not . . . unhappy?"
He stops, tugging lightly on her elbow until she faces him. "What brought all this on?"
DG flushes in embarrassment. "I overheard a couple of the guards talking. You never hear anything good about yourself when you eavesdrop."
Cain's face has gone stoney. "What did they say?"
"I'm sure they didn't mean any harm. They didn't even know I was there." When he simply raises an expectant eyebrow at her, she sighs. "They said something along the lines of they didn't expect to be hunting down runaway princesses and how much worse it must be for you since you went from being stuck in the suit to being stuck here babysitting the person who caused it all in the first place and that's why you're unhappy all the time."
If possible, Cain's expression goes even harder, lips thinned in anger. "Who was it?"
"Cain - "
"Who?"
"I don't know their names. I didn't even see them."
"But you'd recognize them if you heard them?"
"Probably, but - "
"Come with me." He marches off across the grass, leaving DG to run after him.
"Cain, really, it's fine."
"You were having a panic attack in the garden and are second guessing yourself and me, I wouldn't call that fine."
DG groans, knowing this is an argument she won't win. Cain is just as stubborn as her, especially when on the warpath, and she can only hope this won't get the unfortunate guards fired. Although, knowing Cain and his idea of just punishments, they might wish they had been.