Chapter 4

When I wasn't reading in the garden, and everywhere else I could, I would train then eat as many hearty meals as I could. Lucian gave pointers, and aided in my training but only when Tamlin was not around.

He had caught us and was not happy with either of us. Telling me I did not need to do such things because he would protect me. I told him I would not do such things and went back to being the docile reader.

I changed into a tunic and pants and proceeded outside. This body had many physical limitations, many of which Lucian pointed out. One was that I don't see the world as they do.

After spending my time crossing blades and physical strength training with Lucian was over, I took to the trees. Climbing in the garden over the forest beyond for obvious reasons and leaping among the branches.

I had no one to tell me not to and I would keep it that way as long as possible. I would need this kind of nimble movement later, knowing how to keep balance in the worst times if I were running. The wyrm would be the hardest challenge, but I could answer the question before all that.

So long as the story did not change. I was doing my best to keep it on track. One butterfly could turn everything into an avalanche. One that could bury and kill me before I got the chance to free them.

This reason alone was the only one that kept me reading, I wanted to forget what was coming. I knew I could not fall in love with Tamlin, no matter how hard I tried, the chemistry was not there.

My heart felt something else missing. Something that was on the tip of my mind, maybe something or someone. That girl. When I tried to will that thought, it came up empty, unlike my piano excursion.

"What are you doing now?" Alis screeched.

I jumped to a branch. "What does it look like? I am playing in a tree."

"Feyre, you get down here right now."

"Are you going to catch me?"

"Feyre!"

I stepped around the branches, moving faster as leaped to the next tree.

"By the cauldron, Feyre." I missed the branch, and she gasped. My toes sliding off, I panicked reaching for the closet branch. I held for a few seconds before my hands betrayed me, and I fell.

Arms caught me, cradling me. "Thanks." I looked up to my savior and gulped. "Hi, Tam." My voice rising.

"Having fun?"

"Yeah, um. I'll be more careful."

"Will you? The Puca you know to stay away from, but climbing trees like your squirrel is on the table."

"I mean, the tree won't eat me. The puca, Bogge, and the Naga might."

His eyes narrowed. "Naga, just how many fairy beings do you know?"

"Well, I can read now. So, I investigated beings and things. I should know the dangers. Keep the wits about me and such." I glanced at Alis who was shaking her head.

"Leave the trees to the birds and bees. I'd rather not see you get hurt.

I chuckled. "Birds and the bees, if only you know what that really meant. You can put me down now."

"You laughed."

"What?"

"You always look like you had this huge weight on your shoulders. Like being here is burdensome but you chose to stay quite."

"I did that one night, when you told me not to read and go to bed."

"That wasn't a real smile, that was a try me smirk."

"Oh." I pressed my lips. "Put me down, please."

"Right." He set me down.

"I do laugh, but usually when I read novels. Alis, is it lunch?"

"It is, that's what I came out here to tell you." He had her hands on her hip. "By the cauldron Feyre, you'll give me a heart attack." I walked beside her.

"Don't worry, be happy."

"This is not the time to sing your way out of things."

I chuckled. "Come now Alis, it's a classic. Let me tell you about the song I wrote, I'm gonna sing it to you note for note. Don't worry, be happy." I whistled the little tune, the piece that I could remember. She shook her head, closing the garden door behind us.

It was a quite night, but the screams of a fairy in agonizing pain jerked me from my book. I moved swiftly to the stairs, to the source. Another thing I had forgotten to write down. A nameless fairy was going to die today.

"My wings." He choked out. "She took my wings."

There was blood everywhere, pouring from his black velvet stumps on his back down to the floor, creating a small pool. "She took my wings."

"Hold still, it will only bleed out faster."

"N-n-no." I know he is going to die, but I could not bring myself to take those steps. If not me than who? I did not know the prayer, but I could at a minimum hold his hand. I had to, at least that much.

I moved down the steps, the metallic stench wafting up my nose, turning my stomach. So much blood, a smell familiar yet repulsive for the same reason. I held him down to the table, as he thrashed. I focused all my energy on holding him still.

I looked the fairy in the eye and spoke softly. "Please, hold still."

"She took my wings." He calmed down a little.

"I know." I clasped his hand, his fingers wrapping around mine. "The cauldron will come for her."

I looked up, fighting the urge to look at the blood now touching my feet. I pushed down the contents of my stomach down.

"The wounds aren't clotting." Tam's voice quick as he held his shirt to the fairies back. Reading and watching had two different feelings.

The fairy on the table whimpered, his panting slowing. I got on face level with the fairy, holding his hands a little tighter as I hummed a soft and sweet tone. His lip twitched up, a short, subtle smile. He held still, even though the pain.

"Does- it—have words little goddess."

I sang the tone soft and low.

"Deep in the meadow, under the willow." Tears formed in my eyes. "A bed of grass, a soft green pillow." I was struggling, my thoughts feeling tight, but I continued. "Lay down your head, and close your eyes, and when they open, the sun will rise."

"I… Like it."

He heaved one final breath, tears pouring from my eyes as I watched in silence. I touched the cold and smooth skin on his face. I mouthed these words, my silent promise. "I will kill her for you, that will be the only Fae being I kill under the mountain."

Tamlin spoke. "Cauldron save you; mother hold you. Pass through the gates, and smell that immortal land of milk and honey. Fear no evil, feel no pain."

Part of me wished that being brought here would have given me some power. Anything that could have saved him. I had to be this useless human. Hands touched my shoulder and I flinched under his warm hands.

"He's gone."

"I know." My voice was barely there.

I set his hand down gently and brushed the hair away from his face. I was processing the gravity of the situation as it pressed hard on me. Knowing what was coming was worse than not knowing. At the same time, it made it great for battle preparation. The Thadius part of me telling me to take revenge for a fallen innocent.

"Feyre." Tamlin spoke as he squeezed my shoulder. The name so foreign it skipped over it being said.

I pushed his hands off me, eyes falling to the floor. The blood that coated the bottoms of my feet. It felt so unreal, but it did not phase me as much as it should have. Reading it was your imagination. This… this hit so- so much harder. Yet, it was like home. Blood, dying, fighting. Just who was I?

"Feyre."

"I'm sorry, but Feyre has check out." I walked slowly, my feet leaving bloody footprints. Each step was a little less squishy than the last. Tamlin following me up the stairs, but he did not say a word until we were around the corner.

"Feyre." He spoke softly, and I turned.

"Yes, Tamlin?"

"Why?" His head tilted to the side. "I thought you hated our kind. After Andras. . . So, why?" It took me a minute to register his question, he thinks I hate fairies because of her.

"I know you see me as a fairy hating human being; but that's what we're taught, and those things can be untaught. Regardless of that, I would want someone to hold my hand too. Till my final breath, maybe hum something sweet to occupy my mind from what I knew was happening. I feel everyone deserves that, human, fairy, or animal. I regret what happened, I have wished for days on end that I could have changed that, maybe even start over. But I can't, all I can do is better myself and help as many as I can to make up for mountain sized hole of regret."

He didn't look back as he walked off, didn't glance my way as he scooped the broken fairy up, and carried him to the garden doors.

Had what I said been that harsh? Had I said something I should not have? I looked though my notes, there was nothing to what was next, this part was not written either. I had fragments to the little detail that happened.

I know I have changed some things, like not painting, but reading. Learning to read. Training and preparing myself mentally. I knew this would be difficult, but I also knew it was possible and I would take the chance even if it killed me again.