Shakin' My Head
When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
Cedes woke up on the couch in the bar, the light glimmering through the skylight told her it was morning, last night the place was full of people, music, and dancing, but now it was empty, cold, dark, and unwelcoming. She couldn't work out where everyone had gone, so she sat replay the whole thing over in her head, trying to work out why she hadn't gone home.
Flashback Mercy's POV
"Hi Bae" I came off the stage, trying not to let it show that I was fed up with him bringing his boys everywhere we planned to meet, I stepped over unmoving legs, leaned in and kissed my Boo
"Hey" he smiled back before looking at the guy sitting on his right for him to make space for me
"Thanks" I smiled at LT, I didn't know his proper name, even my Bae was simply Don to them and Bae to me. The attraction was that he took control, I loved a man that took control, someone who could put me in my place verbally, with love, and lots of sex, and he fit the bill.
"Take a drink" he pointed to the bottle of Henessey on the table, as usual I did as told pouring myself drink before sitting back on the couch to take in the conversations of the evening, I had to endure all this before I could get him to myself.
The guys were talking about something that had gone down that day, mostly in street code which meant it wasn't my business, so I took to watching the crowd, and sipping on the one drink I'd intended on having.
"We're making a move" he turned to look at me a while later, I looked at him to make sure he was talking to me
"Oh" I made to get up when I saw his face get inpatient
"Not you" he held his arm out stopping me from getting up
"So, what am I supposed to do?" I asked shocked
"Whatever you want, I'm done with this"
"With what?" I looked at the table full of wet reefers, empty glasses and half a bottle of Henessey still sitting there, wondering why he was leaving the bottle
"With you" he turned and looked into my eyes; all I could see was pure hate
"What did I do?" was all I could find, the wind had been knocked out of me, plus all his friends were stood listening, I was embarrassed.
"Don" one of them burst out laughing "That's cold" everyone else joined in laughing and shaking their heads at his behaviour, and maybe at the look on my face, I was floored, all I could do was watch him walk away, seething that he grabbed another girl on the way out.
End of Flashback
"I did nothing wrong" she looked around the empty booth, before focusing on the empty Henessey bottle, a sharp pain hit her temple reminding her the bottle wasn't empty last night. "I was going to be carried out of the place if it killed me" she remembered closing her eyes for the pain, she flopped back in the couch. She vividly remembered the alcohol slipping down her throat, the music pumping so hard she had to move to it, dancing with someone she nearly fell on and then it went blank.
"So, I'm guessing you got dumped last night?" Cedes turned quickly shock to see Roz perched on the end of the couch
"Yeah" she rubbed her eyes "Did I sleep here?"
"Sure did"
"He didn't come back for me then?"
"I hate to say it, but I told you that was never going to end well, guys like him don't respect women"
"I..."
"I know, like those gone before you, you thought you could tame him, newsflash girl" she warned "He's not for taming, he's for letting go and running as fast as you can in the other direct" she chuckled at her own words
"Why do I always attract that type?" she asked the wiser, woman
"Women always assume they have a type, men have the type, and we fit right in"
"What?"
"That's right, if a woman shows that she's needy, hypersensitive, freaky, shy, vulnerable, men can smell that shit a mile away, and then it's in for the kill, whatever they can get away with, they'll try"
"Where were you six months ago?" Cedes laughed holding her head
"If I recall I was stood over there" she pointed at the bar "Giving you the dead eye which meant leave that boy alone, but you didn't listen"
"Maybe because you didn't actually say anything" Cedes laughed
"Have you seen how those boys are tooled up, it would have meant more than my life they'd have taken for interfering" she huffed "Anyway, hopefully last night got him out of your system"
"A fair way" She held her head again, taking a random pen out of her weave "I have no idea" she waved the pen in the air telling Roz
"Good, because you went to a dark place last night"
"Dark place?" she asked
"Let's just thank god you're still with us"
"What happened?"
"You signed yourself off men for a start"
"That's a good place to start" Cedes laughed, holding her head for the echo inside it
"And I guess you heard it, but you didn't actually hear that last night was my last night as owner of this joint?"
"No" Cedes gasped "What happened?"
"Nothing happened, I've just run my course, thirty years is enough" she looked around the empty bar "When grandchildren of your old friends start coming in calling you by your first name, it's time to either whoop their ass or get out the game" she laughed
"Maybe you should whoop their ass, make them put some respect on it"
"Or get a cap in my ass"
"There is that" Cedes stood up "I feel like I've been in a major accident" she held her head and sat down again "Can you call me a cab?" she looked around for her purse
"Sure" Roz stepped off "I have your purse behind the bar"
"What happened last night?" Cedes asked
"You went all the way to the edge baby, and God sent you back"
"The edge?" she sat wondering what Roz meant, watching as Roz took her phone out of her purse and called the cab for her
"One thing you should remember is that you promised yourself, and me, you'd go after your dream, I mean your real dream"
"My real dream?" she asked still confused
"Singing girl"
"I told you that?" she asked sheepishly "My daddy said stay in your lane girl, you're the daughter of a dentist, whose father was a dentist, and you will be, a dentist"
"I heard that too, but I heard you, and you're never going to love yourself until you know yourself, go do you, with all respect, to hell with what daddy wants, pappa Jones would have killed me for saying that" she laughed "They're good men, but they're not you"
"I couldn't hurt them like that" Cedes shook her head telling Roz, remembering the room would keep spinning for ages after she stopped
"Girl" Roz laughed "I'm not Whoopi Goldberg or even Sister Mary Clarence, but if when you get totally ratted and all you can talk about is singing, girl you supposed to be a singer"
"I don't think that was the actual line" Cedes laughed
"As I said, I'm not her" Roz smiled
"Are you leaving today, I mean today?"
"Yes, the new owner is due to take residence in a week or so, I believe work starts, on whatever he's turning this place into tomorrow"
"It's not going to be a bar?"
"I have no say, it's not mine anymore" Roz told her "Everything's packed I didn't want a grand goodbye"
"Well, I'm privileged then?" Cedes got up to hug the woman "I hope our paths cross again" she told her as the cab horn blew alerting them to its arrival
"You take care of yourself, and remember it's alright to be alive"
"Okay" Cedes frowned not understanding the comment but taking it on board as she got into the cab.
Roz had talked in riddles but there was always a meaning to everything she said, maybe she'd have that conversation with her parents when she got home, it was as good a time as any, she sat in the cab watching the road go by.
The cab stopped outside her home, she took a breath and got out and paid the guy before she threw her purse under her arm and walked down the path, ready for the verbal trashing, they always assumed the worst when she stayed out. There was laughter coming from the garden, she guessed someone must be visiting and chickened out of her plan taking the choice to go straight upstairs for a shower and change of clothes.
"Uncle" she came down and joined the family in the garden, pleased to see her only uncle stood sipping something strong as usual
"My, haven't you grown" he held his arms for her to fall it "How longs it been?"
"Nearly nine years" she looked up at him "Of course I've grown" she laughed
"I've had good reports" he announced "And I came to give you your nest egg"
"Nest egg?" she looked at him puzzled
"You might have the world of family on your dad's side, but on ours, you're the only one, everything I have belongs to you"
"Really?" she asked shocked "What's it for?" her hands hit her chest with the shock
"For you to do whatever you want to do with it" he laughed hugging her again "Can't get over how much you've grown"
"We agreed twenty-one and as it's your birthday next week" her mother smiled
"It is" she smiled looking down at her phone ringing "Sorry I've..." she pointed at the phone walking away from them as she answered it "T"
"What the hell happened last night?" Tina yelled at her
"I can't speak right now, my uncle's visiting and we're just, I'll call you back" she clicked the phone off, she wasn't up for hearing any I told you so shit from her very honest friend right now. She turned to look at her family again smiling, if she didn't do it now, she'd never do it "I have something I need to discuss with you both" she looked at her parents.
"Don't tell me you've spent it already?" her dad laughed
"No" she sat down to join them "I've been thinking about my life and what I want"
"You want to set up your own practice?" her dad butted in
"No" she looked at the three expectant faces "I don't want to be a dentist"
"I knew that" Mom smiled
"How?"
"You don't have that fire in your belly you dad has when he talks about it" she looked at her husband "I told you"
"You did" he smiled, looking at his daughter "Whatever it is that makes you happy, I can't lie, I'm disappointed, but that's something I'll have to deal with"
"Thank you for understanding"
"So" her uncle sat forward asking "What are you going to do?"
"Lots of eggs in my basket, I'm going to juggle them around a bit and see what fits"
"As long as there's a plan"
She'd got them in a better place than she'd thought they'd be in, so she thought it was unwise to slap singing in the mix, let them think about where she might go for a while, get used to it "I'm just going to call Tina back" she got up and left them to it, armed to get this conversation over and done with too.
"What's up?" she asked when Tina answered as she slammed onto her bed
"What happened last night?"
"You mean Don finishing with me?"
"Sorry girl, but that was inevitable" she huffed "No, I mean with you trying to end your life"
"What?" Cedes sat up on her bed "Where the hell did you hear that from?"
"You" Tina spat back "You left me some long message on my phone saying bye, told me you were on your way to the bridge to jump, what the hell Cedes?"
"What?" Cedes screeched "I don't remember any of it"
"Thank God for Roz, that's all I've got to say, she saved your life, but Cedes, if you ever feel like that again, call me, a thousand times until I answer, just call me" her voice broke "You scared the shit out of me girl"
"I'm sorry T" was all she had, eventually the conversation ended, Cedes lay on her bed and burst into tears "Why did I do that?" she asked herself, crying into her pillow because only she could possibly have the answer, and yet she didn't have one. "Breathe" she told herself "Focus" she sat up and wiped her face "I don't even like him that much" she told herself picking her phone up to find more evidence of what happened last night
"You have got to be kidding me" she hissed at the phone seeing a message from Don after he'd split up with her. She rolled her eyes at him trying to say sorry in private after such a public humiliation, but she opened it, hoping to see he really was sorry "What the..." she gasped at the pictures he'd sent her of him with another woman, slobbering all over her, he'd got the same clothes on, but it wasn't the woman he'd left the club with last night "That dog" she scrolled through trying to feel nothing about it
"Who is he trying to fool?" she sat examining the pictures, trying to make her mind up as to whether he was really into this girl or he was just doing all that for her benefit. "Too much thinking can be bad for you" she closed her eyes, not realising she was so tired, it was nearly five hours gone, by the time she woke up again, smiling at the song in her head "Paper" she sat up quickly trying to get it out her head before she forgot it. "What was it Peggy Lee sang?" she asked herself, humming the tune as she wrote.
A week later and she was still writing, lyrics were coming from all over the place, past experiences, aspirations, dreams, hurt, heartache, it was all coming through. Whatever his name was, turned out to be the best thing to have happened. "Mom, dad" she looked at them across the breakfast table just three weeks after announcing her career change "I want to sing"
"Pay up" her dad held his hand out to her mother
"Pay what?" Cedes asked smiling
"The bet, I said teacher, he said singer" her mother told her laughing
"Are you two really my parents?" she laughed "I'm sure you're supposed to be talking me out of this?"
"You have your qualifications, if you don't like it at least you've got something to fall back on" her dad told her
"Talking about singing" her mom stopped eating "That club, you know Roz's old place, is opening up, they're looking for singers, you should go try your luck, give us something to go out for again" she looked at her husband.
"And if they don't give you the job it's their loss" her dad added
"I don't know if anyone's ready to hear my songs"
"They're words on paper" her mom laughed "Whatever they want you can give them"
"How do you know?" Cedes asked
"We don't need ear plugs when you start exercising those strings" her dad laughed.
"I suppose I've got to start somewhere" Cedes agreed "I'll find out when auditions are and see"
A few days later she was stood outside the familiar doors looking at a club that she was so used to, it should have felt like returning home, but instead she was stood outside it with so many other budding artists, it felt like a meat market.
"Focus sweetheart, they called you" her dad tapped her shoulder reminding her she was about to take a massive leap into the unknown
She stepped onto the club and frozen in front of three mature men sat at a table, with clipboards in front of them, looking as uncomfortable as she felt "Do you have music Miss..." the man looked down at his clipboard "Jones?"
"Not today" she lied looking at the three musicians stood side stage "Could you just play something?"
"What are you singing Miss Jones"
"Something I wrote"
"With no music?"
"I can sing to anything"
"Okay" the guy in the middle held his hand up and the music started
"Country" she rolled her eyes wondering what it was exactly she was expecting them to play, it took her a hot minute to work out which song she was going to put to it, but when it came everything went into buzz mode, the nerves kicked in and she couldn't hear a word she was saying just the music.
"Okay" the guy in the middle held his hand up stopping the music "How many songs do you have?"
"About thirty so far" Cedes told him
"And you can be reached on the number you gave us?"
"Yes Sir" she smiled wondering if she was going to get the job on the spot
"We'll be in touch"
"Thank you" she smiled walking away, wondering why she was thanking them for rejecting her
It was two whole days later before she got a call from one of the guys, telling her she was being given a trial, which obviously meant she was doing the gig for free, it wasn't the way she thought she was going to start her music career but as her dad had said she was using it as a means to an end.
There were things to prepare, she enlisted her best friend, some guys she knew played instruments not well, but they'd do for a free gig, and her mom helped with a costume. Before she knew it, she was stood in the small dressing room with her makeshift backing singers Tina and Sunshine; Tina's cousin, looking at herself in the mirror wondering what the hell "Miss Jones?" a voice came into the room making her jump "Sorry" the guy smiled "Five minutes"
"Okay" she felt herself shiver as she forced herself to turn to walk out the door "Ready?" she asked the girls
"This is it" Tina grabbed her hand to make the short journey to the stage.
The room went quiet as she walked into view you could have heard a pin drop "Hey all as the man said, I'm Cedes" she nervously broke the silence, there was no response "I'd like to share some songs I wrote with you tonight, I hope you like them" she looked into the bright light shining in her face, smiling at her parents sat in the front table, she closed her eyes shook her head, and went to that safe place she'd found as a child, a place where only her music and her lived.
I got my tequila, I got my boot, I'm ready to cut up, tell me how about you
When I hit the dancefloor, you got to know, I'm about to get loose
I lost my job but that's alright, I'll have another by the end of the night... 'Get Loose' by Cecily Wilborn & Bre Wooten
When she finished the noise shot at her like a gunshot, she stood frozen, trying to work out if it was clapping or booing, her eyes focusing on her parents again, they were smiling and clapping which meant everyone else must have been clapping, she smiled "I could get used to this" she looked around blindly at the crowd. "Thank you" she said over the microphone.
There was nothing to say, she nodded to the drummer and the next song started "I just got to get something off my chest" she told the crowd as the next song started
He don't just want one, said he got to have three, he ain't got no time for little old me
So what you think I'm supposed to do, sit around the house and be your fool
Said he was going to call (yes, he did), on his way home (yes, he did), but he ended up staying out all night long
I know
He ain't gon' do right (huh, huh), No matter what I do (huh, huh)
He just gon' keep lying (huh, huh), He ain't gon' do right (uh-huh)... 'Do Right' by Shae Nycole
The end of the show came quickly, she'd gained confidence, her crowd were pleased "This is my last song for the night, hope I didn't disappoint, this one I scratched out days after that bad break up, maybe you can relate" she looked at the drummer again "Let's do this" she laughed
One, two, three
Holy shit, I think I had a breakthrough (breakthrough), drinking whiskey all up in this break room
I been sliding down a wall thinking, why hasn't he called? holy shit, I think I had a breakthrough
Thought we were in love, but actually I hate you
They told me, never date a Virgo, cause they're impossible to please
He did me dirty from the get-go, but then he brought me to my knees
And I'm like, oh my God, need to stop, boy, you're messing up my mood, (and I ain't fuckin' with you)
He had me back and forth, we're rolling like the thunder, am I the one? he love to make me wonder
What's he going to do? What's he going to ruin tonight? oh, yeah baby, why, why, why, do I even try?
Oh, yeah baby... 'Breakthrough' by Emmy Meli
"That was..." Tina hugged her as they walked off stage "Seriously if I didn't enjoy my job so much"
"Girl" Cedes laughed "I'm hoping after this, it will be my job"
"I think you nailed it" Sunshine giggled
"We nailed it" Cedes told her "Thanks, I couldn't have pulled that off without you two" she hugged them
"Excuse me" a head popped round the door "Miss Jones"
"Yes" she looked at the young guy stood at the door wondering how he got past security
"Could we talk?"
"Sure" she looked at Tina "Once security say it's alright for you to be in here"
"Security" he shouted; a guard Cedes knew popped his head in "Is it safe for me to be in Miss Jones' changing room?"
"Yes Sir"
"Sir?" Cedes looked at the man stood in the doorway "Who are you?"
"I'm the owner of this fine establishment"
"I auditioned for some ol..."
"Yeah" he laughed "That was my gramps, and if you got past him, I knew you had to be good, but..."
"Thank you" she smiled "Boss?" she turned back to her friend "Can you give us a minute?"
"Sure" Tina grabbed Sunshine and left the room
"Call this fate if you want" he took a piece of paper out his pocket "Dad thought I needed something to get my mind off my mother, she passed recently"
"I'm so sorry"
"Thanks" he smiled "Anyway, I was going down a hole to be sure, still feel like I am most days" he looked around the room "So, he brought me this place, I was in a bad place audition day" he laughed "But this kept me going" he held the paper out to her
"I should read it?"
"I think it's yours"
"Mine?" she looked at the scrap piece of paper before opening it up "They told me, never date a virgo, cause they're impossible to please, he did me dirty from the get go, but then he brought me to my knees" she looked up at him "That's my song" she gasped "Where did you find it?"
"In one of those old couches we dragged out of here"
She looked back at the note "Cinderella without a Prince shouldn't exist; you won't see me again" she looked back up at him "How did that keep you going?"
"Well, I'd wake up every morning hoping that my Cinderella would find me, not that I consider myself a Prince or anything, just lonely" he laughed "But I've realised that every day is precious, and that I'm happy I'm alive, that I can think about the good times with mom, and because of those days I can't wait to enjoy all the things she wanted me to see, do and be, including, dare I say, falling in love"
"These few words evoked all of that?" she looked at her scribble
"It was more of an eye opener, I rule my destiny, so no more pity parties, just forward thinking"
"Who'd know" she cocked her head smiling at how powerful those few words had been, blown away at their impact on the individual standing in front of her, a testimony to the fact that music could be healing.
"So, Miss Jones, I just wanted to officially welcome you to the fold, if you're interested"
"I..." she grinned "You can see before you even finished that sentence, I'm already shaking my head" she burst into laughter "And it's Cedes"
"Sam Evans" he smiled "Well it's just Sam, and I'm not a Virgo".
"I like you already" she laughed