Life had changed a lot for Stan Pines last summer. He got his brother back, passed the Mystery Shack onto Soos, saved the world at the cost of maybe some of his higher brain functions (but he got most of them back), realized his great-niece and nephew were some of the best kids in the world, and, most importantly, got his hands on a huge hoard of unicorn treasure. (Okay, that last one wasn't actually the most important – he could at last admit that now – but it was pretty darn important.) He was the happiest he'd ever been in his long, long life. He'd succeeded in his decades long ambition, he was on great terms with most of his family, he was a hero in the eyes of the town, and now that Ford was back and regained his identity, Stan could fly on airplanes again!

But one thing that had not changed and never would change was that he was not a morning person. He required a lot more coffee than was probably healthy for a man his age to be functional. So when Stan was awoken at the ungodly hour of 7 in the morning by his phone ringing, he let out a string of swears which he would have sooner die than let the kids hear. If Soos had heard them, he would have rightly demanded Stan to wash his mouth out with soap.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"

"Oh, Uncle Stanley, I'm terribly sorry I woke you up," smarmed the voice of his nephew Gary, perhaps the last person he wanted to hear from at such an ungodly hour.

Stan was ashamed of it, but he'd never liked his nephew, even when he was a child. He'd always found him to be a sanctimonious, arrogant prick. The fact Gary had an uncanny knack for making good investments and had an extremely high paying job to boot probably hadn't helped. Stan had always tried his best to try to get along with Gary. After all, he'd already driven one family member away literally farther than anyone had ever gone before. But the asshole didn't make it easy, what with his constant patronizing, bragging, and infuriating arrogance. Stan wasn't a stranger to any of those things, of course, but he didn't do it all the time.

"Yeah, well, I'm up now," Stan grumbled, reluctantly accepting the fact he wasn't going to get back to bed anytime soon. "There isn't an emergency, is there?"

"Of sorts," Gary said, sounding almost a bit uncomfortable. Stan reveled a bit in that discomfort, but only a little. He wasn't a sadistic man. Overly sadistic, anyway. "Has Mabel said anything…odd to you recently?"

Stan couldn't help but bark out a laugh. "I think you're gonna have to be a bit more specific there, Gary."

"She's fallen for one of these fads, Uncle Stanley," Gary said, clucking his teeth sanctimoniously. Asshole. "She thinks she likes boys and girls. And she isn't even calling it bisexual like most of those perverts do! No, she's apparently pansexual! She's just making up words now!"

Rage filled every fiber of Stan's being. He'd always been more cognizant of the fact some people didn't like people of the opposite gender than most. He had a lot of friends in low places and some of them were just considered to be in a low place by society because they were like Mabel. Now until this point, none of this had been Stan's problem. He was a simple man in many ways. If you kept your nose out of his business, he'd keep his nose out of yours. Besides, he lived in Gravity Falls and in Gravity Falls, people shacked up with woodpeckers. Girls being with girls seemed rather tame in comparison. None of this stuff was relevant to him until now. But now? Now Gary had made it relevant.

Because nothing could diminish the love he felt for his niece. Absolutely nothing. Hell, she'd accidentally started the apocalypse and it hadn't changed anything. Mabel could shack up with a woodpecker and Stan would make him – or her now, he supposed – a birdhouse so they could live in comfort in luxury. Gary was a goddamn moron for thinking otherwise.

"I hope you're not suggesting that –" Stan began in a harsh tone and then he stopped as his brain started calling the shots. As much as Stan yearned to roast Gary over the coals for his awfulness – and if he got his hands on the bastard, it would probably be literal – it wouldn't be a smart move. If he got angry at Gary, his nephew wouldn't let the kids go to Gravity Falls for the summer. And then Mabel would have to spend the summer with her homophobe parents, potentially even putting her in danger. They may even decide to send her to one of those conversion camps!

No. Subtle. Stan was a con artist at heart. This was just another con and Gary was just another mark. That was all he was now. Not family. There were a lot of things Stan could and had forgiven from family. But not this. "I hope you're not suggesting I had anything to do with this," he said in a much calmer tone, touched with a bit of fury which Stan did not need to fake at all.

"What? No, of course not. Laurel thinks it's probably the teachers at school with their CRT and DEI and other fiendish acronyms."

Stan made a face at the mention of Gary's abominable wife. He'd never liked her from the start and unlike with Gary, he felt no guilt over this. She was controlling and paranoid and neurotic and a bigot of the first order. The two of them had been fighting a great deal last year, which is why they sent the kids away in the first place. Stan had hoped they'd get divorced and Gary would become at least tolerable away from the influence of that harpy. But alas, the two of them found religion and seemed to be more in love – and more repugnant – than ever.

"Well, don't you worry about a thing, Gary," Stan said, hating every word that came out of his mouth. "I'll get her straightened out, if you know what I mean!"

Gary laughed and Stan yearned to strangle him. "Good, good! I knew I could rely on you, Uncle Stanley!"

"Why don't you lay off her until she gets here, okay, kiddo?" Stan said. "Lull her into a false sense of security until she gets here."

"Sure, sure, I see your point. Though I can't say Laurel will say the same."

"Ah, women, who needs 'em."

"Certainly not Mabel!"

Stan's face twitched and it was taking all his energy to not throw the phone through the window. "I got an appointment," he managed to grind out. "Talk to you later, Gary." He hung up the phone without saying goodbye." Then he hurled the phone through the window anyway.

How dare that bastard do such a thing to Mabel? Stan didn't know what sorts of things Gary would have condoned Stan doing to "straighten" Mabel out, but he had a feeling no decent man would have condoned them. Unfortunately, since they'd talked so indirectly about it, he couldn't use the conversation as evidence to get Mabel out of Gary's clutches. At least Stan assumed that. He would have to check with his lawyer just in case. He reached for the phone and then he remembered he'd just thrown it out the window.

Well, never mind. He'd talk to the bloodsucker (literally, his lawyer was a vampire) another time. There were still weeks to go before the kids showed up and plenty of work to be done. The first order of business was figuring out just what was up with this pansexual business. Since Ford was a certifiable genius (in both senses of the word), Stan figured he'd be the first person to go to.

"So, uh…" Stan began when he walked very cautiously into his brother's lab. Damn it. How did that thing go again? "Pot…?"

"I appreciate the offer, Stanley, but I find I do my best work completely unimpeded by any mind altering substances."

Stan did a face palm. "No, that's not what I meant. Potsexual. What do you know about being potsexual?"

Ford peered at him. "By chance, do you mean, pansexual, Stanley?"

"Yeah, yeah, that."

Ford turned his swivel chair around. Last time Stan checked, the chair hadn't swiveled, but Ford had been known to work fast. "Broadly speaking, it refers to sexual or romantic attraction to people regardless of gender."

"But, uh, how does that work, exactly? Doesn't gender kinda matter? Uh, not that I'm, like, disapproving or anything. I'm just trying to understand. And how's that different from being bisexual?"

"Well, bisexual people are attracted to two or more genders, whereas pansexual people are attracted to all genders."

Stan scratched his head. "Aren't there only two genders? Men and women? Men have dicks, women don't. I stayed awake in health class…barely."

"You would think that, but even in terms of physical traits, there's not always a strict dimorphism!"

"Yeah, it's time to start dumbing things down, Ford."

Ford looked embarrassed. "Quite. Physical attributes and our internal conception of gender don't always align perfectly, Stanley. Some people feel trapped a body that feels wrong." Well, Stan could understand that a little bit. But only a little bit. He sure couldn't ever imagine saying, hey, looks like I'm a woman now! "Those people are called transsexual…no, I'm sorry, the term is transgender now. Other people feel neither gender applies to them – those people are called nonbinary."

Aha! "So being pansexual means you like boys and girls and these nonbinary people, but bisexual people just like boys and girls."

Ford shrugged. "To be frank, Stanley, the definitions are fluid and vary from person to person. That may not be how everyone views their definition of pansexuality. But it's not entirely inaccurate. And let me state for the record, all of this is rather new to me, so I can't say this with certainty. When I left, all this was quite niche. It only very recently reached the mainstream."

Honestly, a lot of this was still not making sense to Stan. But he figured it didn't necessarily have to. He'd accept whatever his niece was. All he cared about was knowing enough to make sure he didn't say anything offensive to Mabel. "Right. Well, you helped enough. Thanks, Ford."

He turned to leave when Ford stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Stanley. Coming out is an act of extreme courage –"

"Whoa, whoa, hang on a second! I'm not coming out! I'm just asking for…a friend, that's all!"

Ford gave a condescending smile. "Of course. Well, when this friend is ready, my door will be open and –"

"It's for Mabel!" Ford suddenly frowned and Stan's knuckle dusters almost magically appeared on his fists. "You got something you want to say to me, sixer?"

Ford crossed his arms. "Yes, in fact I do. Mabel deserves an opportunity to come out on her own terms to each of her family members. You shouldn't be outing her."

Stan put away his knuckle dusters, feeling a little, but only a little, guilty. "Right, yeah, sorry. Good point. It's just…she came out to her folks and it did not go well. I want to be as supportive as possible."

"I always thought that Gary was a bad seed," Ford muttered. Stan nodded approvingly. Every so often, Ford reminded him why he was such a great guy. "And that Laurel…no good for him. Frankly, it defies logic such…individuals could create such excellent people as Dipper and Mabel. But then again, family so often does."

"Ain't that the truth."

Stan next trudged down to the store, where Soos was sweeping away with a whistle and a smile. Even though he was the new Mr. Mystery, he still handled all the jobs he used to as handyman. Of course, Melody handled the things he wasn't so good at, like cheating customers, paying the bills, well, anything to do with money really, so the work evened out, just in a different way.

"Mr. Pines? You seem upset. Is there a problem?"

Stan adored Soos (not that he'd ever admit it…very often), thought of him as the son he never had, but the boy couldn't keep a secret to save his life. If he told Soos about Mabel, the news would be all over town before the day was done. Yet he couldn't exactly lie to him either. So he went for the best refuge of the con man, the good old fashioned half-truth.

"Darn right, there's a problem," Stan said. "But first, next month's Lust Month, isn't it?"

"Mr. Pines?!"

Damn it! He'd picked the wrong deadly sin. "Uh, no. Sloth…gluttony? Pride! Yeah, that's it! It's Pride Month next month, right?"

Soos cautiously nodded. "But I thought you said we didn't do that sort of thing. It upset too many tourists and got angry mobs after us."

Stan punched a wall. "Well, forget what I said! I just got off the phone with my no good nephew Gary and he had a lot of unpleasant things to say about gay people!" Technically correct and according to Ford, that was the best kind of correct. "Well, if Gary doesn't like 'em, then I love 'em! So let's have lots of pride and rainbows and stuff! I want so much pride in this store, Lucifer himself will feel humble in comparison!"

Soos saluted. "Yes, sir, Mr. Pines!"

"I love it when a plan comes together," Stan said with a cackle. When she got to town next month, Mabel was going to have the most supportive grunkle in the world if it killed him! Or if he had to kill Gary! Yeah. He liked the second one a lot better.