Chapter 4: Ellie

Days had turned into weeks and weeks had creeped into months. We were approaching fall and it felt as if not much had changed since we first arrived in the city. Tommy spent his days job searching, basically from the early morning hours to the evening. We did not see each other much at all, by the time he was getting home I was on my way to bed. Sundays were our only days we could spend time together, when most of the factories were closed, but anytime alone was impossible. There had been a few job opportunities here and there, but they never panned out. Many others were in the same position as he was, and it was hard on him. Him being Irish certainly didn't help his case either. I tried to talk him into taking John's offer multiple times, but he was extremely stubborn. He was determined to make it on his own without any help from anyone. I couldn't talk him out of it.

My days were occupied with Lizzie and James. With me being around, Sarah had more opportunities to fill in substitute positions at the local schools on a part time basis. She was very involved with summer school, and had been quite busy with the new school year starting. I was more than happy to help, and I honestly adored watching the children when Sarah was out. My heart was always fond of the idea of having children, and spending so much time with them confirmed my feelings indefinitely. Sarah and I had actually grown pretty close. On the days she wasn't teaching children, she was teaching me how to do the simple tasks I was never shown growing up- cooking, laundry, you name it. There were always maids to do that around the home, and I was closed off from all of it. I felt so embarrassed coming to this realization, but Sarah put me at ease.

However, I knew I could change our situation in a heartbeat with the Heart of the Ocean hidden under my mattress. I couldn't bare myself to look at it. Not only did it remind me of my past, but what was I to do with it anyway? I couldn't sell it because of Cal. He must have known Rose had it, he would come sniffing around the moment it would go up for sale. So I just let it sit there, hidden from the world. Even just having it in my procession made me feel as if I was putting my sister's life at risk, maybe even my own. I had no idea what Cal could be capable of. I was so fearful to the point I still couldn't tell Tommy about it. I was sure he would understand why I wouldn't want to sell it or anything, he was so adamant anyway about doing everything on his own anyway. But having something like that could change your life in an instant and maybe if he saw it...it would change his perspective on things. I didn't want to cross that bridge. Deep down, I was angry with Rose for handing this burden off to me.

I still didn't know where she was or how she was doing. I thought at this point I would hear from her, but so far there was nothing.

With so much going on, it was quite nice to have an Saturday evening to myself with John, Sarah and the kids out at John's parents for dinner. It was rare having the place to myself. I left the windows open as I finished the dishes from breakfast and lunch that day, letting the early September breeze flow through. Besides the sounds of New York, it was peaceful. It was almost jarring, as I had grown so accustomed to the sounds of scampering little feet, toddler cries and giggles. Once I wrapped up the kitchen, I wasn't too sure of what to do with myself.

Pondering, I paced through the living room, eyeing up the piano, which I had been slowly introducing to Lizzie and James. Lizzie enjoyed learning simple chords and melodies, while James preferred to slam the keys. I took a seat at the bench and paged through the basket of sheet music left beside it on the floor. Sarah and John had a pretty extensive selection of music I could choose from. I pulled out a copy of Alexander's Ragtime Band and started playing away. After getting it down after a few tries, I even decided to sing vocals since I was completely alone. It was a pretty jaunty tune.

Playing piano always made me think of my father. It would always bring me back to those childhood moments of me playing with him beside me. I missed those moments dearly. I thought about my father a lot, and I hoped he was proud of me for being on my own. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was finally beginning to figure myself out. It meant something to be able to do things on my own.

As I played the last note deciding to find something else to play, I nearly jumped out of my skin hearing whistling and applause behind me. I whipped around seeing Tommy standing in the doorway smirking.

"Jesus, Tommy, you came out of nowhere!"

"You never told me you had the voice of a cabaret singer."

"Oh hush," I flushed, turning back towards the keys, "I prefer not to play in front of an audience."

"Well you're amazing. You sound like a professional," he took a seat next to me, "What else are ya hiding from me?"

"I have a lot of special talents under my sleeve, Mr. Ryan," I winked, proceeding to change the subject, "You're home early, the sun is still out."

"Yeah..." his voice trailed off, "I'm givin' up."

"Giving up what?"

"Job hunting. It shouldn't be this hard."

"Are you finally going to take that offer from your uncle?"

"You know how I feel about that, El."

"Well it sounds like it's about time you start considering it."

"I might not have a choice," he sighed, "Where are John and Sarah and the kids anyway?"

"They're out at John's parents."

"Ah I see..." he paused for a moment, "I don't know, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. It seems so easy for other people, feels like I'm doin' something wrong."

I stopped playing and turned towards him. He looked absolutely exhausted.

"Tommy, you've tried your best."

"There are some jobs that will take me in easily. Maybe I should consider those."

"Like what, the railroads and the sewers? The really harsh jobs no one wants? You know you're better than that. You have a great opportunity right in front of you."

"If I take John's offer it's taking the easy way out."

"No it's not. You're just taking advantage of a good opportunity offered to you, there's nothing wrong with that," I turned back to playing softly.

"It just doesn't sit well with me."

"If you still want to be that stubborn about it, I can always look into a job if you need a break," I shrugged. Tommy had difficulty suppressing a chuckle.

"With what skills, El?"

"Excuse you?" I slammed on the piano keys abruptly and turned towards him, giving him the dirtiest look.

"I'm not trying to offend you, I just-"

"I could easily walk out of here and find something," I interrupted, "Wasn't it just a moment ago you said I had the voice of a cabaret singer? That's certainly something I could look into. Pretty sure it pays well too, being scantily clothed onstage, men's wandering eyes on me..."

"Alright, alright point made," he was flustered, "I just mean you've opened up to me how you're just getting the hang of doing simple tasks which many jobs would, you know, require you to do."

"I know that already." I huffed, turning back to the piano, still annoyed, "I can't sew, can barely clean or cook right, I get it."

"Ok, so let's forget all that for a minute. It's not the end of the world, you'll pick all that up easily. If you could do whatever you want, what would you want to do?" he asked, "Your family isn't holding you back, the world is your oyster honestly."

It was a simple question, but it felt so heavy. I paused for a moment, but went back to playing quietly.

"I've honestly never really thought about it." I shrugged.

"Never?"

"Not when you grow up feeling as if your whole life is already planned out for you. Besides, the world isn't exactly my oyster thanks to society, I can't even vote."

"Never been one thing that's stuck out in your mind? If you could do anything you want, society and everything else aside."

I thought for a moment, my feelings of how I felt being with Lizzie and James coming to me.

"I've always wanted to be a mother. Never a doubt in my mind about that."

"Really?" Tommy smiled warmly. I blushed a bit, my eyes concentrated on the piano keys.

"Growing up with my mother, I decided years ago I wanted to be the opposite of what she was. I would love to bring children into this world and show them love, empathy, respect, have them really feel that love..." I paused, "But this is getting off track, not like being a mother is a job that pays."

"I would love to get you pregnant."

"Thomas Ryan!" I scolded in disbelief, once again stopping my piano playing abruptly. He was grinning from ear to ear. I knew my face was tomato red.

"How many do you want?"

"We're not even married!"

"How many do you want?" He asked again. I rolled my eyes.

"Two or three maybe. You?"

"Eh maybe ten or so."

"Ten or so?!" I laughed, "What, you want a whole army?"

"I loved having a big family!" He defended himself, "My brothers and sisters were my best friends growing up, we were all so close."

"Well this is way too early to be having this conversation, let alone about one child," I was flustered.

"We could practice. Take advantage of having the place to ourselves," he winked.

"Jesus is hearing every word you're saying," I stated, pointing to the crucifix hanging in the doorway. He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms.

"You weren't thinking about Jesus when we first met."

"Hush," I shoved him playfully, "Besides, there's much more I need to know about you before we seriously talk about that stuff. We're supposed to take this time to get to know each other, but it feels like I barely see you."

"I feel like we know a lot about each other already, but alright," he shrugged, "Ask me anything then."

"I'll ask you the same question you asked me. If you could do anything you want, what would you do?"

"How original."

"Come on!" I rested my head on his shoulder, "You've spent all this time job searching but have you taken a moment to think about what you would really want to do?"

Now he was quiet as he thought, realizing that the question wasn't as simple as it sounded.

"I guess I really don't know, El. I'm pretty uninspired at the moment."

"No idea at all?"

"None," he sighed, "Well, I don't know, maybe there's one thing."

"What?"

"I have always liked the idea of owning my own farm one day. You know, being able to not only provide for a family but being able to feed other people. But not like there's farms in Manhattan," he chuckled, "Right now I just wish I could get on my own feet and just have a place to call my own."

I felt for him. I couldn't imagine going to a whole other country, believing you could achieve the American dream and do whatever your heart desired, only to end up disappointed the moment you stepped on American soil. For people like him, it seemed impossible to get a start unless they had some kind of support.

I wanted to help him get that inspiration back.

"What time is it?"

"Huh?" he looked over at the clock, "About five I guess."

"Let's go," I stood up, taking his hand.

"Go where?" he asked, confused.

"We have a ferry to catch."

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