Although it was still daytime, the sky above them was dark. In Tifa's memory, the day had felt somber. The weather had matched the emotions of the day. She remembered thinking that the sun was hiding its face. Even now, years later, an overcast sky never failed to put her in a melancholy mood.
In Cloud's memory, the sky felt ominous rather than mournful. Tifa felt a tension in the air. Something bad was going to happen. There was nothing they could do to stop it.
Slowly, Cloud left the front porch of his childhood home. His face was grim. Child Cloud let go of Tifa's hand as he approached to stand at his side.
"Ready?" he asked the older version of himself.
Cloud nodded. His eyes darted to Tifa briefly, and she nodded as well. She tried to project calmness and strength, though she too feared to face the memory.
Before them, children appeared. Tifa, standing near the corner of her house. Cloud, some distance away, across from his own home. In between them, a cluster of three boys. Emilio, Lester, and Taylor.
The other children all were sneaking looks at Tifa. The three boys in the middle whispered to one another uncomfortably. They glanced back and forth, occasionally trying to engage her. From farther away, Cloud watched Tifa intently. Even when one of the other boys glared in his direction, he did not look away.
Tifa did not acknowledge any of them. Her face was serious, but it was not particularly sad. She was determined. Her brow furrowed as if she were deep in thought. On occasion she nodded to herself, as if she had won some sort of internal argument.
Finally, she spoke. When people die, their spirits cross Mount Nibel.
Huh? Lester, the most clueless of the group, looked bewildered. Everyone knows that's just a made up stor-
Taylor elbowed him hard. Emilio glared. Lester stopped midsentence.
Mom would never just leave. This, Tifa mumbled to herself. She shook her head, affirming her own statement. Again, the three boys exchanged uncertain glances. They all jumped as Tifa faced them head on.
I'm going over the mountain! Tifa declared. I'm gonna go find my mom!
Emilio, Lester, and Taylor all looked surprised. The Tifa that the three boys knew was a different version than this Tifa. Their Tifa was a compliant girl who went along with their games and laughed at their antics. This version of Tifa was confident, bold. They did not know her.
But Cloud did.
The two Clouds next to Tifa turned away from the memory to exchange looks. Child Cloud gave his older self a nudge in Tifa's direction. Cloud met her eyes reluctantly.
"The other boys…they were confused about what was happening." Cloud cleared his throat. "I wasn't."
Child Cloud left his side and moved towards Tifa. She took his proffered hand. Together, they closed their eyes. Memories flashed behind Tifa's eyes. Cloud's memories. Early ones. Of her.
Cloud is playing in the river. His chubby hand reaches out to place another rock into a bucket, nestled safely against his tummy. The collection is perfect. He has been careful to select the best of the best.
Loud splashes approach. Out of nowhere, another hand grabs for the edge of the bucket. A naked toddler tumbles backward, taking the bucket with her. The rocks go flying.
The anguish is overwhelming. It is the worst thing that Cloud, in that moment, could fathom happening. The rocks, the beautiful rocks, are gone forever. He had been working so hard. Cloud tilts his head to the sky. He wails.
There is a gentle hand on his face. A beautiful woman is stroking his cheek. Her blonde hair glows in the sun. She soothes him and puts the rocks back into the bucket. How did she fix everything so quickly? All is right again.
But still, there is crying.
Cloud looks over to the little girl, crying in the arms of another woman, who is attempting to calm her down. Her mother speaks to her gently, checking to see if her fall hurt her, but he knows it did not. Cloud knows that just like him, she was enchanted by the rocks.
And Cloud also knows, there is only one thing that will make her happy again. She is determined.
Cloud is determined too. He looks in his bucket. He picks up a rock, the best one he can find. Tifa knows what she wants. The rock is the only thing that will stop her crying. He moves to hand it over.
Tifa opened her eyes for a brief moment. She felt like weeping.
"Cloud…"
He was watching her with serious eyes, his brows furrowed. He nodded his head at her. At Tifa's side, child Cloud squeezed her hand. His eyes were still closed. Tifa took their meaning. There was more.
Cloud's heart is soaring. Tifa's mom said that they could play for a while, even though she was kind of in trouble for leaving her house without asking. They race around the water tower, faster and faster. There is no rhyme or reason to their game, only the joy of running.
When they are at the far point of the water tower, Tifa stops. It is the one spot where Cloud's mother cannot see them from where she sits on the front porch. The smile Tifa gives Cloud is mischievous. Irresistible. It lures him in. Her feet are hooked on the bottom rung of the water tower ladder, small hands wrapped tightly around the sides.
"Let's go!" she crows. "Let's climb!"
Cloud hesitates.
"C'mon, Cloud! Up there, we can touch the sky!"
She reaches a hand down to him. Without hesitation, he takes it. But he does not move to follow. Tifa tugs at his hand impatiently, but still, he does not budge.
"We aren't supposed to go up there," Cloud reminds her. "Our moms told us not to. We could fall and get hurt, remember?"
There are few people that Tifa will listen to, once she has made up her mind about something. Cloud is one of them. She pauses on the ladder but does not descend. Her eyes glance upwards, longingly.
Tifa is light and bubbly, like a sprite. She does not belong on the ground. She wants to touch the sky.
"Come back down. Please, Tifa?" Cloud's voice is insistent.
He tugs her hand, and finally she listens to him. When her feet touch the ground, Cloud feels relieved. But Tifa's face is disappointed. Her eyes keep looking upwards. A moment ago, she had been smiling. Cloud cannot stand to see her so let down.
"One day, okay? When we're bigger." He grips her hand tightly and gives her his most confident smile. "We'll go up on the water tower together."
Finally, Tifa seems to accept her position, safe on the ground. She pulls her eyes away from the water tower to meet Cloud's. She smiles.
"Promise, Cloud?"
"Yeah! I promise. You'll see."
Tifa races off. Cloud follows.
Tifa opened her eyes. Her heart ached.
She looked back at Cloud, but his face was now firmly pointed toward the memory of them, separated by Emilio, Taylor, and Lester. Tifa could not see the expression on his face, but she felt what he was feeling. The emotions he had felt on that day, in that moment.
Cloud's heart pounded in Tifa's chest, as if it were her own.
Tifa had decided what she wanted. She would grab for it single-mindedly and tumble backwards. She would climb to dangerous heights, heedless of her own safety. Someone needed to stop her. To tether her safely to the ground.
Fear. Cloud was afraid.
In contrast, the other boys were relieved by Tifa's proclamation. Tifa' mother was dead. Their friend was sad. They were uncomplicated, happy boys. None of them had encountered anything like this in their short lives. They had no idea what to do with this kind of grief.
But they knew exactly what to do with what Tifa had offered them – a dare. Climb to the top of the water tower! Swim to the deepest part of the river! Get as close as you can to Mount Nibel! These kinds of challenges were currency in their young worlds. Often made, never actually achieved.
It was unfathomable that Tifa truly meant to cross Mount Nibel.
Then I'm coming with you, Tifa! Emilio was first to make the bold proclamation. Not to be outdone, Lester and Taylor chimed in after him. Me too! Mount Nibel, here we come!
Despite her confidence, Tifa seemed glad to not being going alone. Okay, then. Her voice was sincere, relieved. Thanks, you guys.
As a group, they moved toward the path that led into the mountains.
Young Cloud was frozen. Disaster was unfolding, and he did not know how to stop it. His eyes were drawn to the door of Tifa's home, where all the adults were still inside. He looked back at Tifa, who was moving away from him.
Cloud made a spilt decision. He took a step towards Tifa.
Hey, look. Emilio noticed that they were being followed. Think Cloud wants to come too?
Tifa stopped and looked back. Indecision crossed her face for the first time as she glanced towards Cloud. It had been ages since had actually looked at one another, but for a moment, Tifa's eyes met his.
Cloud? The question hung in the air. Cloud froze again. What could he say that would make Tifa stop? Lately, everything he said was wrong. And he and Tifa barely spoke anymore. He came up empty.
One of the other boys found his voice before Cloud found his. C'mon! Let's go!
And up the mountain they went.
It had been a particularly warm spring, but this day was not. A wicked wind cut through the mountains. And besides, weather on the mountains was unpredictable. Even on a summer day, snow might strike. This day was no exception. It was not long before all the children were shivering.
Tifa maintained a lead over the other children, forging straight ahead.
The adults in the village praised Tifa for many of her qualities. A beautiful child, they said. So sweet and cheerful! And well-mannered. The boys are so much calmer when she's around.
What the adults said about Tifa was true. But she was also strong. An athletic child. She was fast. And once she set her eye on a destination, nothing could stop her. The boys struggled to keep up with her.
A light, icy precipitation hit as they gained altitude. It was barely more than a mist, but it coated everything with a slick layer of moisture.
Lester was the first to turn back. His feet skidded on the mountain path and he stopped, clinging to the cliffside in terror. It seemed at first that he might call out to his friends, but he left without saying a word. He did not look up as he passed by Cloud.
The path grew steeper. More precarious. Even without the ice, adults were cautious to tread this far. They were close to the bridge. It would only get steeper from here and the mountains were known to be plagued by monsters.
Tifa did not look back. Despite the ice slipping beneath his feet, Cloud pushed forward.
A shriek from ahead. A tumble of rocks fell in front of Taylor. He stood, unmoving, his arms protectively over his head for several moments. The rocks that had fallen were small, unlikely to cause harm. But there were larger ones still looming from the cliffs above.
Taylor spared an agonized glance in the direction of Tifa and Emilio. He turned away, racing past Cloud, back toward the village.
Emilio was the last to leave Tifa.
Several times he slipped on the ice, once even falling to his knees. But he got back up again, gritting his teeth. Emilio was the tallest out of all of the children born in their year. He was the biggest, the strongest. His father's pride and the pride of the village.
Never once had he lost a fight or backed down from a dare.
Now, on the hazardous path to Mount Nibel, he could not keep up with Tifa. Something drove her ahead of him, something stronger and more formidable than sheer nerve or brute strength. It was the same something that compelled Cloud to follow behind her.
Emilio turned back. He looked up once as he passed by Cloud. For a second, it seemed like he might say something. But shamefaced, he ducked his head and ran past.
Only Cloud and Tifa were left.
On the bridge that crossed the river, Cloud finally caught up to her. He stopped right before stepping onto its planks. Tifa continued on. She looked tiny and alone on the swaying bridge. Her legs were spindly beneath her. It seemed impossible that she might successfully cross.
Tifa, stop! Cloud shouted the words desperately, but to no avail. Tifa did not seem to hear him. She took another unsteady step forward. He tried again. We have to turn back!
On the bridge before them, the memory of Cloud hung his head. He seemed to be bracing himself for something, clenching his fists tightly. He looked up to shout in Tifa's direction.
You're not going to find your mom here! The words were honest and raw. They were brave. She's gone!
Tifa paused near the middle of the bridge. Her back hunched. She had heard him.
Gone. It was not a word any of the adults had used with Tifa to describe what had happened to her mother. She's passed on, they said. Passed where? Tifa had wondered. She's at rest. She's at peace. She's in a better place, now.
But, gone? Unlike the other words, it felt true. But it was the one thing Tifa had denied so vehemently, refusing to believe. Though the words the adults used with Tifa had not made sense to her, the truth of gone was impossible to accept. Her mother could not just be gone.
They watched as Tifa stood on the bridge without moving, contemplating Cloud's words. It seemed, briefly, like there was a chance that she might turn around. But then her spine straightened. Without looking back, Tifa kept going.
The bridge swayed. The icy drizzle continued, whipping across Cloud's face as the winds blew between the mountains. Below them, the river roared. It was not the gentle bank where they had played as children. It was a dangerous bend of the river, with fast-moving rapids. At least one traveler had died in its waters, in the past year alone.
Mount Nibel loomed ahead, tall and mythical. None of them had ever seen the other side of the mountain. It was as unknown as the future. Tifa would not stop until she reached it.
Even though they were several feet behind him, Tifa heard Cloud's rapid breathing as he faced the rickety bridge. It seemed as if he might shout after Tifa once more, but then he shook his head. Tifa could almost read his thoughts. The despair behind them. It's no use. There's nothing I can say.
Cloud followed Tifa across the bridge.
It was not far past the bridge that the path became even narrower. Its ledge sloped steeply down to a rocky overhang just below. Beneath that, a sheer drop off.
In Cloud's memory, playing out before them, the children made it across the bridge. Both Clouds' eyes were fixed on the memory, unable to look away, their faces rigid with fear. Cloud's fists opened and closed, as if he wanted to do something, but knew that he could not. Child Cloud looked away.
Cloud had nearly reached Tifa when it happened.
By then, the precipitation had stopped, but the temperatures had continued dropping. The path was slicker than ever. And the children were tired. They were both strong and determined, but they were only little, just eight and nine years old.
Despite the relentless force that drove them forward, the mountain path was just too treacherous. They were far from the safety of their mothers, in a cold, harsh world. Alone, but for each other. It would only take a moment, one poorly placed step, for everything to unravel.
Tifa stepped too close to the ledge. Rocks crumbled beneath her feet. She fell.
Next to Tifa, both Clouds closed their eyes, placing hands over their ears as if they could not bear to watch or hear the memory. But Tifa watched.
Her scream was terrible. Cloud's was even worse.
They reached for one another, Cloud just as desperate to save Tifa as Tifa was desperate to be saved from her fall. But it was too late. Their hands clawed at the air, closing on nothing.
Tifa went over the edge. Cloud tumbled after her.
The wind whistled through the mountains. It was the only sound for a moment. The ledge that the children had fallen onto was several feet below the path. It was not large, only a few feet across. Their small bodies were still.
Eventually, though, Cloud's began to move. The fall had only stunned him. He sat up, wincing as he bent his legs. His knees had been scrapped raw, his pants torn and bloody. But otherwise, he was alright.
Tifa did not stir.
From above, they watched as the memory of Cloud crawled closer to Tifa, careful of her prone form and the nearby edge. His voice was small and frightened, nearly lost to the winds as he spoke her name. Tifa?
Tifa was shocked at how pale her skin was. She was limp on the rocks, eyes closed, her limbs splayed awkwardly. Her body was so still. Crouching next to her, Cloud's hand hovered over her arm. He seemed afraid to touch her.
But finally, he reached for her hand. Tifa? He whispered her name again. Nothing. She did not answer, did not move. Helplessly, he held her hand.
Tifa jumped as a hand slipped into hers now. Beside her, Cloud was still transfixed on the terrible scene below, but child Cloud held her hand tightly and looked up at her. Tifa could have wept at his face, a mixture of confusion and fear and sadness.
"I tried, Tifa."
His voice was sorrowful.
"I did my best," he said. "I couldn't get there fast enough. But I tried."
Tifa touched his cheek lightly. It was round and baby soft. He was so small. She thought of how lonely the two of them had looked, traversing the mountain after the others had fled. How he had run heedlessly toward her as she slipped, falling toward what looked like certain death.
"I know you did," she said softly.
Tifa?! Where are you? Tifa!
Stronger voices cut through the winds. Men's voices. They were loud with emotion – fear or anger, indiscernible to a hurt and terrified child. Even at the relief of being found, the voices amplified the terror of the memory.
It was Tifa's father, and Emilio's. Tifa's father climbed down onto the ledge, ignoring the other man's protests. Tifa! His voice was hoarse, closer to a sob than a shout. He reached for Cloud's shoulder, pulling him away from her. Cloud dropped Tifa's hand, flattening his back against the rockface.
Tifa caught a glimpse of her father's face as he cupped her still, cold cheek. She had never seen his face like that. It was terrible, almost animalistic.
Above, Emilio's father cursed. He reached down a hand, barking at Cloud to take it. Even from afar, Tifa could see how he was shaking as he complied. He was hoisted back onto the path. Below, Tifa's father's body was hunched over her unmoving form.
Without looking at Cloud, Emilio's father called down to him. Oh god, Brian is she – He was cut off, as Tifa's father shouted back up. She's breathing! Help me get her up!
Tifa's father lifted her, handling her as if she were made of glass. Emilio's father reached his arms down and carefully, Tifa was transferred to him and lifted up. Get her back! Tifa's father urged Emilio's. Don't wait for me!
By the time Tifa's father managed to climb back on to the path, Emilio's father was already carrying Tifa across the bridge. Other adults were approaching, their voices raised in distress, but for the moment, it was just Cloud and Tifa's father on the path.
Cloud was seated with his back against the side of the mountain. He was as far as he could be from the path edge where they had fallen. His knees were still bleeding. He seemed to be frozen. Brian was breathing heavily, unable to look at Cloud for longer than a second or two.
The hell's the matter with you? What were you thinking? His voice shook as he asked the questions. How could you put Tifa in danger like this? He turned his back to Cloud and covered his face with his hands. The last question he spoke was barely audible, spoken through his fingers. What if she doesn't make it?
Tifa's father did not look at Cloud again. He sped after Emilio's father and Tifa.
Two more men were approaching to retrieve Cloud, but the memory was fading around them. Tifa was glad to leave it behind. Child Cloud maintained a tight grip on her hand. Tifa wiped at her cheeks with the other. They were wet.
The memory was gone. They had returned to the village, in front of the water tower. Still, Cloud did not move. He remained staring at the ground in the same spot, as if still watching the children below. Tifa's body, unmoving. Himself, unscathed other than scraped knees.
Tifa made to move towards him, but child Cloud held her in place.
"For a whole week, Tifa didn't wake up."
He moved closer to Tifa, but did not look up at her, speaking the words towards his boots.
"Everyone thought she was going to die," he continued. "And everyone thought it was my fault."
Tifa shook her head. "It wasn't."
Ignoring her words, he continued.
"After Tifa woke up, she was okay. But things got worse for me. My fighting got worse. Every little thing set me off."
"I remember," Tifa said quietly. "Everyone blamed you for what happened. But it they shouldn't have. It wasn't true."
Tifa knelt in front of him and took his other hand as well, holding their hands between them. She tilted her face to catch his eyes, though he seemed determined to look at his feet.
"It wasn't your fault, Cloud. It was mine. I'm the one who wanted to climb the mountain. You tried to stop me. I always wondered – why didn't you tell anyone?"
The child before her shrugged. She knew what he was going to say before he even said it. It was what Cloud had always said as a child when confronted with questions about the incident.
"Dunno," he mumbled.
Tifa waited him out. A tear dropped on Tifa's hands, from the child's head bowed over them. She ached to pull him to her, but his little shoulders moved up and down as he took a deep breath, as if preparing himself.
"I didn't want Tifa to get in trouble. It was my fault I couldn't save her," he whispered. "I always thought she blamed me for it too, that she hated me. I thought, maybe if I had been stronger, then maybe I would have been able to save her."
He looked up at her and she was surprised that his eyes were dry, determined rather than anguished.
"Later that spring, was the first time I heard about Sephiroth. I thought maybe if I became a SOLDIER, a hero like Sephiroth, the best of the best, that I might be strong enough. Even Tifa would have to notice me. It became a wish, a…"
"A sealed up, secret wish," Tifa finished the sentence, using his words from before.
Solemnly, he nodded. "No one could ever know."
As he looked up at Tifa, his clear, blue eyes looked hopeful. Full of dreams. But also loneliness and pain. The pain of childhood spent being blamed and blaming himself.
Giving into her instinct from before, Tifa pulled him close. He returned the embrace, his skinny arms clinging around her neck. Tifa closed her eyes for a long moment. There were so many things she wanted to say to him. Things she wished had been said to him many years before, when he was still a child like this.
"I never blamed you. Never hated you. Not even a little."
Tifa put her hands on his shoulders and pulled back, so that she could look him in the eyes again.
"None of it was your fault, okay? I only wish someone had told you sooner."
Though he continued to look at her, he did not speak. Tifa gave him a gentle shake.
"Please believe me, Cloud?"
"I'll try," he said. He shrugged again, exactly the stubborn child she remembered. "It's not me you have to convince, anyways."
He looked behind his shoulder. Tifa followed his gaze. Cloud was no longer frozen, but was watching them, with an unreadable look on his face. Child Cloud nodded at him, business-like, before turning back to Tifa.
"You'll help him, won't you?"
Tifa nodded. He pulled his hands away slightly, and Tifa released them. He offered her a tentative smile then leaned in to peck her on the check, so light and quick she almost missed it.
"Thanks, Tifa!" he said.
He dashed away, ducking his head to hide his face. When he reached Cloud, he stopped in front of him, turning such that both Clouds were facing Tifa. Child Cloud waved to her, pink-cheeked and shy.
Together, they moved, the smaller Cloud stepping backwards as the larger one stepped forward. Cloud's outline seemed to blur as his childhood self faded into him, becoming part of him once more.
At first, Cloud was still as his form settled, becoming more solid. His arms were at his side, fingers splayed. He seemed afraid to move as he adjusted to the feeling. But then he swayed, unsteady on his feet. He fell to his knees.
"Cloud!"
Tifa ran to him, kneeling close before him. He was holding his hands to his head, breathing heavily. His eyes were closed but moving beneath the lids. Though his face was tense, it was with concentration, not pain. Biting her lip, Tifa waited him out.
Eventually, his face grew calm. He lowered his hands. He opened his eyes.
And he looked at Tifa.
If asked, Tifa was not sure she would be able say exactly how Cloud had changed. His face was the same, his eyes the same color as before, still glowing with mako. And yet, somehow, he was different.
It was something in his expression, the softness around his eyes and way he titled his head, lips dipped into a puzzled frown. And in his focus on her, the way he looked at Tifa like there was nothing else worth seeing. It was a version of Cloud Tifa had known her entire life but had only rarely glimpsed in their recent weeks together.
It was a Cloud Tifa had worried might have slipped away forever, lost to a harder and more brutal stranger. A SOLIDIER that was barely recognizable to her, so different from the boy she had once known and cared for.
Emotions rippled across his expression, and Cloud began to lower his head, eyes darting away from hers. Tifa reached for his face, intending to stop him from looking away.
The moment her fingers grazed his jaw, an awful feeling swept through Tifa. It knotted in her chest, heavy and crushing. It was a deep sense of inadequacy. Of shame. A deep-seated fear that no matter how hard he tried, he would always fail at what he wanted most in the world. At what he longed for.
The longings were there too. They were softer feelings, hidden beneath the weight of feared failure. Tifa could just barely sense them, but they made her sigh. She closed her eyes to better feel them.
They were feelings for her. Aching ones. To be close to her. To keep her safe.
Tifa.
He did not speak her name, but she felt it. It in his mind, and in the thrum of his pulse just beneath her fingers.
Tifa opened her eyes to find that Cloud had been watching her. His eyes were filled with all that Tifa had just felt. Things that Tifa had never known Cloud felt as a child, and still felt now as a man. The tender feelings for her and the wrenching, terrible ones for himself.
The feelings were strong, and unlike his fractured memories from before, they were true. They belonged to Cloud, the real Cloud. Tifa was sure of it.
"Cloud…" Tifa said.
He reached up to cup his hand against hers, where it was still curled against his face. Slowly, he pulled her hand away. The shame on his face nearly broke her.
"Don't," he mumbled.
Tifa grabbed for his hand, even as he pulled it away. She would not let him turn away from her.
"Don't what?" she demanded.
"Look at me like that. Don't look at me like you – like I'm –"
"I'm looking at you like you're you," Tifa said firmly. "You weren't made five years ago Cloud. Our childhood memories, my childhood memories, they all weren't just made up."
Tifa squeezed his hand, keeping him close.
"There was so much I didn't remember."
Tifa's voice broke as she thought about the boy from Cloud's memory, the one with the bloody knees who had fallen off a cliff trying to save her. The only one who had cared enough about her to stay.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I wish I had seen you more clearly. I might have done something sooner."
The sadness in Tifa's voice had Cloud pulling closer. Carefully, he placed his other hand on top of hers.
"It's alright, Tifa. It's not your fault."
His words made her smile.
"That's my line, Cloud."
She raised an eyebrow at him, but his mood was not swayed by her gentle teasing. His face grew stormy. Tifa frowned.
"Cloud, you were just a child."
Her words were insistent, but still, he rejected them, shaking his head. He was becoming agitated. Tense.
"It wasn't the only time," he said. "There was another time. I failed you…again."
"What are you talking about?"
Cloud's eyes were drawn away from Tifa's, seeking something beyond her shoulder. Tifa turned to see what he was looking at. It was the path that led to the mountains. Toward the mako reactor.
Suddenly Tifa felt the heat of a fire all around her. Cloud held her hands tightly, to the point of pain, but Tifa did not let go. She returned his grip with equal strength. He stood, pulling her to her feet beside him. Though flames and destruction surrounded them, he kept his eyes on her.
"Five years ago…" Tifa whispered.
Cloud nodded. "That's where the truth is. We almost have the answer."