CHAPTER 15
Louise lay in her bed for quite a while after her tears had subsided. Finally she rose and let herself out on the balcony. The air was frigid but she stood, barefoot and in her thin dress, watching the stars and the moon. It was a clear night and the nearly full moon illuminated the yard. She wiped at her eyes as fresh tears threatened to roll down her cheeks. She thought of Jack, buried in the cold ground alone, and shivered. She should freeze, she deserved it. She should feel as cold and dead as he was.
Her agonizing was cut short when Jimmy burst out onto the balcony, chastising her for being out in the cold with no shoes and no coat. He scooped her up into his arms and brought her inside, placing her on a chair by the fireplace. Hurriedly he closed the balcony doors and rebuilt the fire, before turning his attention back on her.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He asked, genuinely angry. He stared down at her little frame, curled up and shivering in the overstuffed chair. Her cheeks and nose were red from the cold and her nipples showed clearly through the thin material of her dress. Jimmy looked away quickly and found a thick knit blanket to cover her with.
She ignored him. She didn't know how to answer. Before she had met Jack, she would walk along the harbor when it was cool and imagine plunging into the deep dark water and sinking to the bottom like a stone. The cold night reminded her of what she thought it may feel like - dark, cold, numb.
"Lou?" He demanded. There was irritation in his voice. Worry, she realized. She mumbled that she was sorry.
"I didn't ask for an apology. I asked what the hell you were thinking standing out in the cold with hardly nothin' on! You're asking to get frostbite or pneumonia! Are you… Where you…" Trying to die? He wanted to ask. He remembered what she told him about when she was first with Jack, how she had hoped she could goad Grayson into killing her.
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself," she said, as if reading his thoughts.
"Then what? What were you doing?" He kept pushing.
Louise looked up at him, chewing her bottom lip. He seemed very angry and she didn't understand why. Nor did she know how to explain her actions. She didn't understand herself.
Jimmy was losing his temper and he knew it. She was finally out of danger, why was she risking her life now? It didn't make sense unless she was having suicidal thoughts again.
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself," she said again. "I just feel like I should be…I should be dead and Jack should be alive. It's not right."
Jimmy's heart sank as he watched her wipe tears from her face. He sank onto the floor next to her chair and clasped her two tiny hands in his his much larger ones.
"It's not your fault, what Grayson did to him."
"I knew better. I should have stayed away from him. I shouldn't have dragged him into this."
"Oh, Lou." He sat there, rubbing her hands, trying to warm them up. "Someone once told me that what ifs don't do anybody no good. What would Jack want you to do now?"
She thought about his question. She was free of Alex, at least in the physical sense. She was going to be a mother to Jack's baby. She had to make a life, a home for the both of them. She did not want to do that in this place. "I think he would want us to go home," she answered, curling her fingers around Jimmy's hand. She still felt strange around these new people but they were the ones that had come for her, fought for her, and they were still here.
She slipped from her seat and knelt next to Jimmy so they were face to face. He obviously struggled with his lust for her and that made her smile a little. She licked her lips as she worked up the courage to ask him for what she wanted.
"I don't want Alex to be the last thing that I felt." She wanted something to cleanse her. "On me, in me." She looked at him through her dark lashes. "Will you help me forget?"
Jimmy thought he knew what she was asking but he had suddenly gone dumb and couldn't answer her. Louise bunched up her skirt so that she could inch closer to the man in front of her. When she was close enough, she took one of his hands and placed it under her skirt, on her bare thigh. He just stared into her eyes trying to keep control over his body. She hiked her skirt up higher and climbed into his lap, straddling him.
"Lou." It was a breathy warning. One that told her she had him right where she wanted him. One arm snaked around his neck and the other led his hand from her thigh to the apex of her legs. The tips of his finger brushed the slightly parted lips of her pussy.
"Fuck," he hissed realizing she wore absolutely nothing under her dress. His thumb automatically pushed through her folds to brush against her opening. A deep groaning sound escaped him and his forehead fell to rest against her right shoulder. She grew instantaneously wet in response. "God help me," he breathed against her neck and instinctually his hand began to spread her, explore her. His fingers circled her opening, spreading her juice around her entrance before plunging inside. His thumb found her clit and stroked firmly.
Both arms came around his shoulders and she rode his hand while he used it to fuck her. His other hand grabbed her hair and forced her mouth to his, plunging his tongue inside to taste her deeply. He felt her clench over and over around his fingers as she moaned into his kiss.
She came, but she was nowhere near satisfied. He felt her rubbing against his erection, soaking his pants with her dripping wet core.
She held onto him tightly and whispered into his ear, "I want you to fill me."
This isn't right, his mind told him. She's hurt and vulnerable. You can't do this.
She asked me to, dammit.
She's not thinking straight, you know that.
Jimmy tried to shake off this haze of sex, of Lou. But she was nibbling his neck, grinding her wetness against him, whispering that she wanted him inside of her.
"Jimmy, please." She brought his free hand to cup her breast. The material of her dress was silky and thin and he felt her already firm nipple grow harder as he squeezed and rubbed her in his palm. His other hand moved languidly around her wet opening.
His brain was trying to tell him something but she was much more persuasive. "Touch every inch of me, wipe him away," she was saying.
Yes! Touch every inch of her! That was what he wanted too.
Her hands were at his belt. "Fuck me, Jimmy."
Yes! Fuck her!
Her fingers deftly undid his belt buckle and started on the buttons of his fly. His pants were wet and sticky, like her.
Fuck her now! NOW!
She pulled him free and stroked him eagerly, remnants of her own juice coating her fingers. Her mouth found his lips again and she kissed him wildly while her hand ran up and down his shaft.
Is that what you want? To fuck her?
YES!
Take your pleasure?
Yea - No! It's not like that.
Look at her!
He hesitated. His eyes were closed as their tongues explored each other.
Her hand feels so goddamn good. Other places would feel so goddamn -
I said, look at her!
Fuck! Alright!
He pulled away, holding her by the upper arms, and looked at her. Her lips were red from their kissing, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were red and watery, from crying he realized. She was beautiful, and a mess.
"Oh, Lou. Oh, God."
Her hand was still wrapped around his cock though she had stopped her movements. Something had changed but she didn't know what or why.
"I can't do it like this." He took her hand and kissed her palm and fingers over and over. They still held the smell and taste of her. With an arm wrapped around her waist, he stood, bringing her up with him.
"Why?" she asked uncomprehendingly.
"Because Lou, I love you. I can't do something you might end up regretting. I can't just fuck you to sate something. Anything that would happen between us would mean more than that, to me at least," he told her while adjusting himself and buttoning his pants.
"Oh," she replied dumbly, standing there completely uncomfortable with no idea of what to do now. She felt as if her skin was on fire and the space between her legs ached to be filled, and he was telling her no, because he loved her too much. It was very confusing.
"Lou, do you understand? I don't want to do something that might end up hurting you."
The way she looked at him, he knew he wasn't making sense to her. He had made a mistake, letting it go as far as it did. Of course she was confused. Then the worst possible thing happened; she began to cry.