Trigger/content warning: mentions of self-harm, mentions of lost pregnancies

I wasn't surprised when Dr. Hayes mentioned the visitation at our session that night after dinner.

"I heard that you chose not to participate in visitation hours today. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do I have to?"

"You don't have to talk about anything here," he said. "Would it be helpful for you to talk about it? I think so, but you're free to make your own choices."

I twisted my hands together, wishing that I had my wedding ring to play with. The nurses had taken it for safekeeping when I was admitted.

"Dimitri works for the FBI," I said finally. "He was a part of the mission that rescued me from the house, and he was the one who actually rescued me. We started up a relationship shortly after that, and he helped me through learning that I was pregnant with my son and everything that followed that. We got married last July. And things were fine. They were great, even. We honeymooned in Italy, he supported me going back to school for my bachelor's degree, and he supported me when one of my classes last semester covered my case."

"What happened next?"

I knew he had to know where this was going because I knew it had to come up while I was being admitted.

"Things were great," I repeated. "We talked about expanding our family. It was something we discussed before getting married, whether he wanted biological kids of his own or not. I got pregnant in January, and we found out about a week later that it was an ectopic pregnancy. It wasn't viable."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dr. Hayes said. "Do you blame yourself?"

"Yes." I spoke without hesitation. "I had to have done something wrong."

"Why do you think that?"

"I know I can have children," I said. "I have two children fathered by a monster."

"Fertility can be a strange thing," Dr. Hayes said. "Miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies usually aren't anyone's fault."

"You don't know that," I whispered. "There's no way of knowing that it's not my fault."

"There's no way of knowing if it was either," Dr. Hayes said gently. "I understand that this is something that you're struggling with, and would I be right to guess that the stress and reaction to that bled into your marriage?"

I nodded. "I started taking hot bathes, scalding, actually. One day, I found myself in the bath with a pocket knife. Dimitri came home before I could use it."

"Do you have a history of self-harming with knives or blades?"

"Yes."

"When's the last time you initiated that particular form of self-harm?"

I thought back. It had to have been when I first moved to Austin. "Last March."

"So, about a year ago?" Dr. Hayes confirmed. He glanced back over his notes. "Before or after you killed your kidnapper?"

"Before," I said. "I started therapy again after that, but for the first couple of months after killing Adrian, I simply didn't feel anything. I didn't self-harm because I wasn't feeling anything, and there wasn't a need to create physical pain to distract myself from the emotional pain like there had been in other situations."

He nodded. "Talk me through what happened after Dimitri found you with the pocketknife."

"He gave me an ultimatum. Either go back to therapy or be admitted to an inpatient program," I said. "I tried therapy, I really did. It didn't work out."

"And Dimitri brought you here."

It wasn't a question, but I responded anyway. "He dragged me here."

"I've noticed that you've used that language a bit. Can you clarify?"

"He literally picked me up and child-locked me in the car," I said. "And drove me here, where I was subsequently admitted."

"Is that why you didn't want to see him today?"

I nodded. "I'm still angry at him. Knowing why he did it doesn't make it better."

"It's okay to be angry. That's a normal reaction, a healthy one even."

"It doesn't always feel like it," I muttered.

"What happened with the last therapist you were seeing?" Dr. Hayes asked. "Your file indicated that you had seen someone regularly up until this year."

"She was helpful for a bit until she wasn't," I said. "I tried talking to her about the ectopic pregnancy, and I think she meant well, but it just wasn't working."

"Thank you for sharing that, Rose," Dr. Hayes said. "I know it isn't easy to talk about this stuff, let alone talk about it with someone you barely know. Tomorrow, I'd like to chat more about healthy coping mechanisms and how we can work to start improving your mental health."

I slept well that night, managing to mostly sleep through the whole night. When I woke up, I had breakfast and activity time on my schedule before lunch. Visitation hours would come after lunch, and then I'd have another session with Dr. Hayes. During activity time, I chose to sit by myself again, but after a few moments, another girl joined my table. We didn't speak much as we made bracelets and worked on other arts and crafts projects, but that was perfectly fine by me.

When lunch rolled around, I tried to eat most of my food but only ate half of it. I was eager to see Levi and Katya, and I had put off pumping so that I could feed Levi, but I was still nervous about seeing Dimitri and interacting with him again. I had been skipping the nightly phone time because I wasn't ready to talk to him.

When the nurses came to get us to take us to the day room, I followed this time, my heart racing as I did. When I walked into the day room, Katerina was the first one to spot me.

"Mommy!" she called, pulling against where Dimitri was holding her hand.

I glanced up, meeting Dimitri's gaze, and nodded. He let go of her hand, and she came barreling towards me. I crouched down in time to catch her in my arms, and I hugged her tightly to me.

"Hi, Katya," I said, shifting her weight to my hip as I stood.

I crossed the room to where Dimitri was sitting and gave Katya another squeeze and a kiss on her head before setting her back down. As I sat down, I turned to Dimitri.

"Hi. Has Levi eaten?"

"Hi, Roza," he murmured. "He hasn't yet. I thought you might want to feed him."

I nodded and took Levi from his arms. "Hi, baby," I said, holding him close for a moment.

"Mama," he cooed, waving his arms for a moment before he started to grab at my top.

Dimitri grabbed a nursing blanket from the bag he had sitting on the ground next to him, and he quickly covered me and Levi while I made quick work of my top so that Levi could eat. As Levi latched, Katerina tapped my leg.

"I missed you," she said, staring up at me with puppy dog eyes.

"I missed you too, baby," I said. "As soon as your brother finishes eating, you can sit up here with us, okay?"

She nodded and turned to Dimitri to ask him for toys from the diaper bag. He pulled out a few things, and she began to play with them at our feet. Levi didn't take long to finish eating since nursing was only supplemental to the solid foods that he had been eating for the last six months. As soon as he was finished, I handed him back to Dimitri to burp while I fixed my top. Once that was done, I slid off my chair to sit on the floor and play with Katya. Levi joined us a moment later, and I continued to play with both of them until Levi managed to grab a book that was sticking out of the diaper bag. He handed it to me, and I pulled both of them closer to me to read the story to them.

"Do the silly voices!" Katya insisted, and I was happy to oblige as I continued reading the story.

At one point, I glanced up and saw Dimitri watching us, a look of sadness in his eyes. I don't think he noticed me watching, but as Katya turned toward him, I watched as his face completely changed as he smiled at her, but the sadness in his eyes still lingered.

"Daddy, read now!" Katerina said, taking the book from my hands and giving it to Dimitri.

He scooped Katya up so that she could sit on his lap, and he began to read to her. Levi had fallen asleep on my lap, so I continued to hold him close to me as I watched Dimitri and Katya. Katya continued going back and forth between us for the rest of the visitation time. When our time wrapped up, Katya threw herself into my arms, somehow managing to avoid hitting Levi, and begged me not to leave.

"It's okay, Katya," I said, soothing her. "I'll be home soon. I promise."

She nodded. "I miss you, Mommy."

Her words tugged at my heartstrings, and I smiled, fighting back tears. "I miss you too, baby. I'll see you soon, okay?"

I carefully handed over a still-sleeping Levi to Dimitri and gave Katya another hug as the nurses started wrapping up the visitation. Dimitri asked Katya to pick up the toys and put them back into the bag before turning to me.

"Roza—"

I shook my head, biting my lip. I quickly kissed Levi's forehead and hugged Katya before I left the dayroom with the rest of the patients. I couldn't bring myself to look back.

I continued meeting with Dr. Hayes on Monday and Tuesday, and our sessions continued to vary in length, depending on what we were talking about and how comfortable I felt at the moment with the topic. He started discussing doing a joint session with me and Dimitri, and I didn't dismiss the idea outright. I wasn't eager to do it, but I knew that we would have to at some point. As our sessions continued, I grew more comfortable with Dr. Hayes and found myself opening up more.

Before dinner on Tuesday, a nurse gathered everybody in the common room.

"Good evening, girls," she said. "Before we have dinner, I wanted us to gather for a bit of music therapy. Is anyone familiar with it?"

A couple of the girls nodded their heads, but the rest of us didn't react.

"We're going to around the circle, and I would like everyone to pick one or two songs that they either like, or that feels fits their situation right now. If you'd like to speak about what drew you to that choice, then that's fine, but that bit is challenge by choice," the nurse said. "Who would like to go first?"

"I'd like to add "The Fire" by Vincent Lima," the girl sitting next to me said. Another girl across the circle snapped her fingers, applauding the song choice. "I chose this one because the chorus has always spoken to me and my wife. Before we got married, she told me that she couldn't make the hurt and pain disappear but that she'd sit with me and show me love until it did."

"Thank you for sharing. Who wants to go next?"

"Going off of that," the girl who had snapped said, "I'd like to add "Eurydice" and "In The Cold" by Vincent Lima too. I think they have very similar messages and can be good reminders while we're here."

"Opposite of that," another girl said, "I'd like to add "The Wedding Song" and "Snow Angel" by Renee Rapp."

"Are they sad?"

The girl shrugged. "Depends on how closely you listen to the lyrics."

The girl sitting on the other side of me spoke next. "I want to add "imgonnagetyouback" and "loml" by Taylor Swift to the list."

She didn't elaborate on her choices, and nobody commented. It was then that I realized the nurse was looking at me.

"Rose, which song or songs would you like to add?"

"I don't really listen to much music," I said. "Someone else can pick for me."

"That's not how this works," the nurse said gently. "You don't need to elaborate, but I need you to pick at least one song."

I thought in silence for a moment before saying, ""Come to Me" by the Goo Goo dolls."

"Thank you everyone for participating," the nurse said. "As the music is playing, I'd like everybody to listen closely to the music and write down some thoughts about it. It can be related to the music itself, the lyrics, how it makes you feel, et cetera. You don't need to share your thoughts, but I do need to see full participation. We'll go through the songs in the order that they were added."

The nurse handed out a few sheets of paper to everyone and had us spread out so that we could have a bit of privacy while we listened to the music and wrote down our thoughts. I ended up at a table by myself, which I was fine with.

The opening notes of "The Fire" started to play. There was a melodic lilt to the song, and I found myself enjoying the song as the first verse was sung. I started jotting down bits of lyrics that stood out to me.

You've been so quietly violent

I fear there's been bloodshed

Between both your ears

Maybe she's tired of angels

Winters that promise her leaves

When the chorus started, I was reminded of what was said when the song was added to the list. It reminded me of what Dimitri had previously said. He couldn't take away my pain, but he would support me through it. I wrote my thoughts about the chorus down, my eyes already starting to prickle with tears.

So I ran through the fire

And I held out my hand

I'm not here to save you

I don't have a plan

You see, love isn't rescue

It's someone to lose

My feet burn but dear

Now I'm in this with you

As the song continued to play, I found myself relating to the last two lines of the bridge the most.

You'll be my reason to carry on

But I need you to know we might lose

Dimitri begged me to let him, or the kids, be my reason to carry on, but I couldn't do it. I feared losing too much, and I feared losing Dimitri. The song ended a moment later, and the next one immediately started to play. It didn't take me long to figure out that it was "Eurydice", based on the lyrics. When the chorus started, I again found myself writing down the lyrics, and I underlined the last two lines.

If you take one more step, then the damage is done

But, if you turn around, you'll be giving this up

Maybe it's time to feel trusting again

Eurydice, darling, just give him your hand

He might love you

He might really love you, mm-mm

While listening, I thought back to when I had originally said no to Dimitri's proposal, believing that he couldn't really, truly, love me the way I was. He had done nothing but prove that thinking wrong over the past year since then, and he had proved it every day since, even more so in the eight months that we had been married. Even while I was still mad about being admitted, I could admit that. When the chorus played again, I realized that the point of view had changed, and I rewrote the last three lines to reflect the change, adding it at the end of where I had originally written the chorus.

Eurydice, dear, if you'd give me your hand

I will love you

I'll really love you

As the outro played, I couldn't help but think that it sounded like the type of song that would end up in Bridgerton during a romantic dance where the characters realized that they were in love with each other, and I couldn't help but write that down, too. As the third song started to play, the nurse shared that it was called "In The Cold," and I wrote that on my paper, using the titles to separate out my thoughts.

As it played, I found myself tapping my fingers on the table along to the beat. As the second verse started, I found myself copying down the whole thing.

My younger years went by so urgently

And left me grief that I'm still servicing

If good times change, why do the bad days stick around?

She said

I'll just keep going to be kind

To that same little girl who wondered why her parents cried

Cause she grew up and learned to lie like them

I've tried to lie to you

But boy, you listen to me with your eyes as well

The lyrics seemed to speak to me in a way that some of the previous songs hadn't quite managed to do. The lyrics fit my situation too well. I felt that I shouldn't still be reacting the way I have about Adrian and my past with everything good that had happened in the past year, but my brain couldn't be convinced of that. Instead, it just threw something else bad at me, as if to convince me that the good days would never win. I thought back to the times when Dimitri looked at me as if he could see directly into my soul. My lies often didn't get past him, and on the slim chance that they did, it's because he was choosing his battles, not because he believed the lie. I could read him well enough to know that. I hastily wiped away a few tears that had fallen down my cheeks as the outro played.

So now you see me

For the first time

It's hard to love in the cold

But boy, it's time I tried

The next song started softly, and I couldn't make out some of the lyrics at first. I doodled on my page, nearly dropping my pen when the chorus came through the speakers loudly.

You are my one, you set my world on fire

I know there's Heaven, but we must be higher

I'm gonna love you 'til my heart retires

Forever we'll last

I think it went something like that

I sat there, trying to make sense of the song as the second verse and the chorus played again. It wasn't until the bridge started playing that I realized the context of the song.

Why'd you have to mess it all up?

Why'd you have to burn it all down?

The words were so perfect, the world should've heard it

And sang every line out loud

Why'd you have to mess it all up?

Why'd you have to burn it all down?

The words rattled me. The chorus felt like something that Dimitri would say to me, but the bridge felt more like where we were. I hadn't been able to get his face out of my head since seeing him at visitation on Sunday. He had tried to look unbothered and happy while Katya or Levi were facing him, but the second they were looking at me, I had watched his face fall. I still didn't know if he had meant for me to see it, but now that I had, I couldn't stop thinking about it. He had looked so discouraged, so sad.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the next song playing, and again, it started out faintly. As the chorus started playing, I recognized that the artist of this song was the same as the last song. She sang the chorus almost hauntingly, and I found myself transfixed by it.

Smiles hide what secrets keep

Can't tell a lie if you never speak

Look in the mirror, she looks like me

But half-alive and twice as weak

The band picked up with the second chorus, and it continued picking up through the bridge.

The seasons change, addiction's strange

I loved back then what I hate today

I wish I went a different way

But if I went back, I would do the same

The song went low again before picking up the tempo and then cutting off abruptly. As it did, I excused myself from the group and walked into the bathroom. I wasn't trying to hide my tears, and I let them fall. As I stared at myself in the mirror, the lyrics from the song came back to me. I barely recognized the girl looking back at me, even if she did look like me, and I truly was half as weak.

I stayed in the bathroom for another moment, calming myself, before I wiped my eyes. They were still red-ringed, and I knew that it was no secret that I had been crying. When I returned to my table, the next song was almost done. It sounded more upbeat than the ones that we had been listening to, which was a plus. I found myself smiling as the bridge played.

I can feel it coming, humming in the way you move

Push the reset button, we're becomin' something new

Say you got somebody, I'll say I got someone too

Even if it's handcuffed, I'm leavin' here with you

Bygones will be bygone, eras fadin' into gray (Fading into gray)

We broke all the pieces, but still wanna play the game (Oh)

Told my friends I hate you, but I love you just the same

Pick your poison, babe, I'm poison either way

My smile didn't last long as the next song began playing. It had a sadder tune, and as the lyrics started, I knew it would be a gut-wrenching song. It wasn't until the bridge that the song took on a new meaning for me.

I wish I could un-recall

How we almost had it all

Dancing phantoms on the terrace

Are they second-hand embarrassed

That I can't get out of bed

'Cause something counterfeit's dead?

It was legendary

It was momentary

It was unnecessary

Should've let it stay buried

I knew enough to figure out what the song was about, but the latter part of the bridge only made me think about losing my and Dimitri's baby. I couldn't help but think that we wouldn't be here right now if I hadn't gotten it into my head to give Levi a younger sibling. If we had stuck to the original plan of waiting until Levi was older, waiting until I had finished my bachelor's degree, then maybe we would have never suffered a loss. Tears started streaming down my cheeks again as I wrote down my thoughts.

The song that I picked started playing next and I silently sang along in my head. It was a song that Dimitri and I had considered having our first dance to, and it was still one of my favorites.

Come to me, my sweetest friend

Can you feel my heart again?

I'll take you back where you belong

And this will be our favorite song

Come to me with secrets bare

I'll love you more, so don't be scared

When we're old and near the end

We'll go home and start again

Start again

Doo, doo, doo, doo-doo

The chorus and bridge were my favorite parts of the song, and as they played, I wrote down everything that I loved about Dimitri.

Today's the day I'll make you mine

So get me to the church on time

Take my hand in this empty room

You're my girl, and I'm your groom

Come to me, my sweetest friend

This is where we start again, again

As the song ended, the nurse leading the session thanked us again for participating. She asked us to hold onto our notes and to reference them when we felt that we needed them. It was made clear that there would be another session like this later this week and that we should start considering new songs to use for the next session. I tucked my notes under my pillow in my room, wanting to be close to them.

I ate dinner at the same table as a few of the other girls. I joined in on the conversation a bit but kept to myself, still emotionally overwhelmed from the music therapy session. I was also counting down the minutes until visitation tomorrow afternoon. I was looking forward to seeing Dimitri again because I had so much to say to him. I briefly considered actually using my phone time tonight to call Dimitri but eventually decided not to so that I could give myself time to compile my thoughts for tomorrow. I ended up asking the nurses for more paper so that I could start writing them down, referencing my reflections from the songs to help guide my thoughts.

I went to bed a bit earlier than normal but found it hard to sleep that night. Our music therapy session had stuck with me, even after writing my letter to Dimitri, and the thoughts and lyrics kept circling around inside of my head and driving me crazy. I couldn't get the look on Dimitri's face at the visitation hours on Sunday out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. I'd tried telling myself that I had a right to be angry, but the anger was fading faster and faster by the moment.

The more I dwelled on it, the more my thoughts turned to everything that he had done for me and how I had treated him over the past month. Before I knew it, I was crying again, and the tears quickly turned to full-body sobs. The sobs turned into wheezes as I fell into a panic attack, convinced that I was going to lose Dimitri for good. I kept imagining him walking away from me, turning his back so that he didn't have to deal with me anymore. I struggled to breathe through my nose, and breathing through my mouth also hurt, but I forced myself to sit up, imagining that Dimitri was here, helping me through it.

Once my panic attack had subsided, I got out of bed, staggering to the nurse's desk. The lights were turned down low as everyone was in their rooms, but two nurses still sat at the desk.

"Can I call my husband?"

The nurse sitting at the desk shook her head. "Phone time is over."

"Please," I begged. "I need to speak to him."

"Rose, it's nearly midnight. Phone hours are over," the other nurse said gently. "You can speak to him during visitation or phone hours tomorrow."

"No, I need to speak to him now! It's important," I said, the tears starting up again. "Please. He said I could call whenever I need him. And I really need him right now."

The nurses exchanged a look before one of them nodded. The first nurse turned back to me. "We'll call your husband and let him know," she said. "That's the best we can do."

"If he comes here, can I see him?"

The nurse nodded. "Yes."

I wrapped my arms around myself as she led me back into my room. She left me in there, and I lay on my bed, wrapped up in Dimitri's shirt that only faintly smelled of home, waiting.

But Dimitri never came.

I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! I'm not going to lie; I've been planning this chapter since before Rose even went to the hospital, so I was excited to finally be able to write it. In a shocking turn of events, I've had the writing bug with this story and have been working on new chapters since I finished the last chapter and posted it, so the next chapter is also almost ready to be posted and will be posted within the next week or so! The area where I live is also about to get hit by TS Debby, and if I have a few days off work, then I might be able to write more soon, too.