Mudslide
Chapter 7
These good fellows don't belong to me, but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off, and with a kiss on the cheek, return them safely home.
Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart. Haruki Murakami
He had to tell Joanne.
Tossing his head back, he looked at the ceiling, not answering, knowing Brackett had already left. The doctor was heading to surgery where anything could happen, where the worst was possible. Looking down, he surveyed the wreckage left behind: the trash, pools of congealing blood, and a floor covered with dirt and mud. Roy had only been there twenty minutes, but a battle had already been fought. He was struggling to return to her yet picturing her lost in despair in a room all alone. How could he tell her the cold, hard truth of her husband's chance of survival? Seeing him in that car had been a punch to the gut, and every bit of his medical training knew the man should be dead right now.
Reluctantly, he exited the trauma room and returned to her.
The look of anticipation on her face as he came through the door immediately fell, seeing his face. "Johnny?"
Sitting down beside her, he took her hands in his. "He's alive and on his way to surgery. He has a great team of doctors that will do everything they can."
The minute shake of her head followed the wide eyes. "Everything they can? Johnny?"
"Joanne, it's bad. He has a lot of critical injuries, and Brackett said…" He was struggling.
Joanne sat up, her face becoming stern. "John Gage, I need you to tell me the truth. I need to know what to tell his children," Her breath shuddered, "when they wake up in the morning,"
"Brackett is concerned he won't make it through the surgery." The words burned in his throat. "But he's strong and stubborn as hell. We can't give up on him."
"No, no giving up, but I need to know the truth, okay? No matter what it is." She took his chin in one hand. "Understood?" Her red eyes softened up.
He nodded. "Come on, let's move up to the surgical waiting room. The rest of the crew will be here soon. Where are the kids?"
"At home with a sitter until morning." She wiped her tears away. "I haven't told them anything yet. I don't even know what to say to them."
"Let's wait and see what it might be; no matter what happens tonight, I'll be there with you to tell them."
Pushing her eyes closed with tears, she nodded and reached for his hand.
The surgery was on the 5th floor, and the waiting room was spacious and newly renovated, with colorful chairs and large paintings on the wall. Being late in the evening, it was empty except for them, and Johnny sat Joanne down before heading to the coffee maker. This was going to take a lot of caffeine.
"How long do you think?" She asked him.
"Hard to say, but I'd guess a few hours."
Once the coffee was brewed, he sat beside her, and they both fell into silence as they sipped the hot liquid and prepared for the long wait. Soon, the other crew members filtered in, including Emily, Hank's wife, and Joanne's best friend. The two women huddled together as Johnny joined the others.
"Any updates?" Hank asked.
"Nothing so far."
"Salvage will work on getting the car up in the next few days," he told Johnny. "How's she doing?"
"Strong, but scared."
"Aren't we all," Chet muttered. "Johnny, we saw you when you left. We didn't know..."
Johnny nodded. "I know. We got him back, but he arrested again here."
"What did the doc say?" Mike asked.
Resting his elbows on his knees, his hands ran through his hair before he looked back up. "He doesn't expect him to survive."
Marco closed his eyes and began reciting a prayer they had all heard in other times of worry. Mike moved away from the group, seeking solitude, as Chet sat down with full weight and despair. Silence settled over the room, words feeling empty and painful, the air thick with despondency.
The hours passed, bodies shifted, and new pots of coffee were made. At two a.m., the surgical doors finally opened, and Brackett emerged. He looked like he'd been down the mountain with them, and each man studied his expression intently.
"Kel?" Joanne asked as he approached him.
"He's made it through surgery." He pulled his cap off and wiped his sweaty brow. "It was hard on him, but he wasn't ready to give up. Ortho put screws in his shoulder; the other breaks were clean and should heal without problems. By some miracle, that pole didn't go through his liver, but it did cause damage, and he's lost a lot of blood. He's gotten ten units so far."
Johnny sat back down. Was the doctor just sugar-coating the bad news?
"Broken ribs that will heal. The chest tube has a mix of mud and blood, so he's battling a severe case of pneumonia. His heart rate has normalized as we warmed him up, but he's still acidotic and having intermittent arrhythmias. Dr. Carson feels they are trauma-induced and will resolve as he recovers."
"Kel, please," Joanne said more firmly.
He knew what she wanted to hear. "Joanne, he survived the surgery, but the damage is severe. All we can do is try to keep up with his needs and keep him alive long enough to start healing. The next twenty-four hours will tell us more."
"He has a chance," Chet interjected.
Kel quietly nodded, trying to provide reality without false hope. "He has a chance. Joanne give them about an hour to get him to the CICU downstairs. Then you can come in and see him." He looked up, anticipating the waiting crew. "Everyone else can check on him, then we need him to rest." Looking back at Joanne, he softly shook his head. "I'm sorry I can't give better news."
She took his hand in hers. "Thank you, Kel, for giving him a fighting chance. That's all we can ask for right now."
"I'll keep you posted through the night," he told her before glancing at Johnny. There were no words to comfort the young man; both men understood the hard truth.
"Johnny? Johnny?"
He looked up to see Joanne standing over him. The waiting room was now empty, and her eyes were full of concern.
"You okay, hon?'
She shouldn't be worrying about him. "Yea, sorry, lost in thought. Are we heading downstairs?"
Nodding, she reached out to take his hand. "The others are waiting to say goodnight to him, then leaving for some sleep. I know it's a lot to ask…"
"I'm not going anywhere," he told her with a soft smile. "Come on."
The wait was brief, and soon, the nurse was out to get Joanne. She'd get a first visit with him, but she found she couldn't let go of Johnny. Finally, the nurse consented to two at a time, knowing this crew.
Inside, the lights had been dimmed, but the room was aglow with the lights from monitors and pumps. Johnny was sure he'd never seen that many fluids entering one person. There were different types of monitors around him, each with various screens and different information, and honestly, he had no idea what story they were telling.
It was overwhelming.
Joanne's hand tightened on his as a stifled, heaving sob escaped her. "Roy," she whispered.
The nurse guided her over to his side. The blanket rested at his hips, allowing for the monitoring of the many tubes, drains, and the large abdominal incision he now bore. Johnny shuddered inside at the intimidating black and blue marking across his trunk. The shoulder cast was supported with a pillow, and the leg cast was elevated, but his right fingers were free. Joanne traced her fingers over his, feeling the scratches and cuts on his hands and arm, her tears falling on his chest.
"I'm here, Roy, baby, I'm here. They got you back to us, and everyone's working so hard to get you well. I need you…" she hesitated, "I need you to keep fighting for me and the kids. Please, Roy, keep fighting."
Johnny was afraid to touch him and felt the waves of loss and despair course through him again.
"Johnny's here, baby. And Hank and the others. Everyone's here for you."
She was surprised when her small tug on Johnny's arm met with resistance. "Let him know you're here."
"He knows," Johnny whispered, taking a step backward. "I'm going to get Hank and the others to see him."
She watched him rush out of the room, perplexed by his hesitation. Over the next few moments, the others filtered in and spoke words of encouragement, holding back their emotions to give Joanne all the support they could. Hank was the last, and he lingered a bit longer.
"Em and I are heading home. I want you to call me if anything changes," he told her. "Anything."
She nodded. "I will. Johnny said he would stay with me. We'll keep you posted."
The waiting room was empty, but Hank found Johnny down the hall, looking out a window at the city lights below.
"Pally, we're heading out."
Johnny nodded but didn't turn around.
"You'll be okay here with Joanne?"
Another nod.
"Gage."
Johnny knew that tone was one of command and concern. He turned around. "Yes, Cap?"
"Take care of her. She's very fragile right now, and if Roy, well, she may need us a lot in the next few hours. Don't hesitate to call me."
Johnny nodded.
Hank met his wife by the elevator. "How's he taking all this?"
Hank shook his head. "It's going to be rough on everyone, especially him, if Roy doesn't pull through this."
Before sunrise, a few people came into the open area, waiting for news and to see family. He watched them speak quietly, their faces full of worry and fear of what lay behind those double doors. He'd moved little since the others had left, unable to bring himself to go back into that room. He understood their fear and worry; his stomach bordered on pain, and he couldn't tell anyone why.
"Johnny?"
Turning around, he saw Joanne, her hands shaking as she cried. Pushing his own feelings down, he stood up. "Joanne? What happened?"
Her head was shaking quickly. "I don't know, alarms were going off, and they rushed me out of the room. I think, oh God, Johnny."
"Stay here." He headed straight through the doors and to Roy's room.
The lights were all on now, the room so full of people that Roy was no longer visible to him. Looking at the monitors, one showed the run of life-threatening arrhythmias. Behind him, Dr. Carson came barreling through and started demanding things. Johnny recognized the medications that would hopefully reverse the abnormal heartbeat. The nurses drew up the medications and pushed them into his IV lines. He should have been prepared for the cardio conversion, but when the shock went through, he flinched so hard his breath left him. Only when the monitor showed a normal heartbeat did the furor of the room begin to settle. Johnny backed out of the room slowly and leaned against the wall, bending over, hands to his knees as he tried to slow his breathing down.
"The heart is bruised."
Looking up, he saw Carson watching him.
"That's causing the arrhythmia. The drip should stop it and allow the heart to heal."
"And if the med doesn't stop it?"
"Then we have other options, but I need this to work right now. He's not strong enough for other decisions yet."
Johnny didn't know what those entailed, but he didn't like the expression he was getting from the cardiac surgeon. "Thank you."
"Of course," he replied, his voice kinder now. "They will page me with concerns. Try and get some rest."
Returning to the waiting room, he found Joanne pacing the floor. He tried to keep the explanations basic and focus on Roy being stable now to keep her anxiety at bay.
"This Dr. Carson is new to me, but he seems really good, and it seems like he's paying close attention to what Roy needs to get better."
She wipes the tears from her face. "That's good."
Passing her a pillow and blanket, he pointed to one of the back-row chairs.
"Here, try and rest some."
She hesitated.
"They know we're here. They'll find us if anything changes. You need to rest while you can."
"I have to get the kids ready for school soon, and I don't even know what to tell them."
"Tell them their dad was in an accident, and he's working on getting better."
She sighed and nodded, then moved to the back row of chairs to lie down. It wasn't long before the exhausted wife was sleeping. Johnny couldn't sit, much less rest. He was restless and anxious, like a weight was pressing down on him, and every step and thought was draining. Moving seemed to help, so he walked the halls.
Shortly after sunrise, Johnny woke Joanne from her restless sleep. "Hey. Emily is going by the house to help the kids get ready for school."
Nodding, she sat up and moved awkwardly to wake up the cramped muscles. "No word from Roy yet?"
He shook his head. Passing her a cup of coffee, he picked up the blanket and began to fold it. "Rounds will start soon, and you should be there to ask questions."
She stopped and looked at him. "You'll come with me, right?"
The hesitation was only a second.
"Johnny?"
Turning around, he brought up a small smile. "Of course."
They stood in the corner as the medical team circled the bed and discussed the patient. Brackett was missing, and Carson was busy teaching interns. The language was complex medical, and Johnny tried to focus on what they were saying, but his eyes were locked on Roy, and his thoughts drifted.
When the group finished, Carson walked over to Joanne.
"The arrhythmias continue to be a problem despite the medications we have tried. I will be placing a pacemaker today."
Her breathing quickened. "What? His heart?"
"I don't believe there is long-term damage, but we need it to heal. This will keep the beat steady until it can heal."
She nodded. "He's stable, though, right? He made it through the night?"
They both watched Kel walk into the room.
"Joanne, Johnny," he greeted them.
"The nurse will let you know when we are ready for the procedure," Carson told her. "I'll check in later." He nodded to Kel and left the room.
"Kel, he made it through the surgery and the night." The tears were flowing again. "He'll be okay, right?"
The doctor reached out for her hand. "Joanne, you're right; he beat the first twelve hours. And that's more than we expected. But we still have a long way to go. He has a great deal of trauma to overcome."
"Kel, please," she cried. "I can't lose him."
"He's fighting Joanne, doing his part, and we'll do ours to give him every chance possible."
She nodded quietly, her hand reaching back for Johnny. The man stood still, stoic and without reaction, his eyes unable to leave his brother.
"Johnny?" She called.
It wasn't until she grabbed his arm that he heard her. "I'm here," he answered, feeling unfocused.
Kel pressed his brown down slightly. "Perhaps you both need a break. The cafeteria's open, I'd suggest you get some breakfast. We'll find you if anything happens."
He followed her out the door and to the elevator. Feeling on automatic mode, he held the door as they stepped on.
"I'm trying to find the good in all this, Johnny, but it's so hard."
He nodded. "Each hour. We'll take each hour we have with him."
They grabbed a tray in the cafeteria and went down the buffet line. Joanne picked up some items and milk and glanced at Johnny's empty tray.
"You have to eat, Johnny."
He nodded quietly as he grabbed a biscuit and some orange juice. The cashier took his money, and they found a nearby table to sit down. She watched him closely as he picked at the biscuit. Her hand went to his.
"Hey." Getting no response from him, she squeezed his hand. "Look at me."
Looking up, he met her eyes.
"We're going to get him through this."
Presenting a small smile, he nodded. "We will. He's strong, Jo."
Suddenly, he no longer wanted to look at food. Not now. There was no part of him that could look at food when his brother sat precariously on the edge of life or death. Waiting patiently, he watched her nibble at her food. When she seemed done, he pushed his tray to the side. "Let's get back up there to him."
When the nurse called for them to return, they were both surprised to find a new bandage on his chest. Joanne looked at the nurse.
The older nurse nodded. "He did it at the bedside and Roy tolerated the procedure without complications."
Joanne traced her fingers down his cheek and kissed him tenderly. "One step at a time, baby."
Johnny quietly backed out of the door, returned to the waiting room, and stood in front of the picture window. The sun was now up, and the streets below were full of traffic and people going about their lives. Katie wasn't going about her life anymore; that chance was ripped from her as a child. And now Roy.
His head was pounding, and he felt nauseous. He headed to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, barely recognizing himself. A remnant shell with pieces being cut away faster than he could hold it together. After splashing cold water on his face, he tried to tame his hair with his fingers, feeling dirt down on his scalp. He'd forgotten to clean up after the rescue. His hands were still dirt-stained with a few small cuts from rocks, branches, and a rough downhill climb.
"Johnny?"
It was Chet standing at the door. He didn't have the energy to deal with anyone else right now. It was taking all he had to give Joanne what she needed. Pulling out a paper towel, he dried his face and hands, then walked past Chet, returning to the waiting room. Mike was also there, talking with Casey, who had stopped by.
Mike stood up. "Johnny, how's he doing?"
A quick glance let him know Joanne had remained in the room with him. "Um, well, he got a pacemaker this morning, and that should help his heart heal."
Chet felt upbeat. "He's hanging in there, though, that's good, right?"
Johnny gave a slight nod. "I'm going to check on Joanne."
The others watched him leave.
"What was that about?" Mike asked them.
Chet shook his head. "He's really worried."
Mike nodded but wasn't entirely convinced it was that simple.
Standing outside the room, he watched her sit beside him and talk to him. Her face was relaxed despite her red eyes and occasional tears. The monitors were without alarms, though he could tell the numbers were far from normal. He felt intrusive and turned back to look at the nurse's station.
"Hey, Johnny, are you doing okay?" One asked him.
"Okay," he replied, then turned towards the back stairs. He couldn't go back to the waiting room; he couldn't be the encouraging, supportive teammate everyone needed. Not right now. Just a small break, and he'd be back.
With the tailgate open, he sat in the Rover. From water to earth, the hot sun now scorched his dirty skin, and with closed eyes, he tuned out the world around him.
"GAGE!"
His head snapped up to find Hank standing right beside him. "Cap?"
Relief flooded the captain's face. "John, you good?"
He produced the anticipated smile. Look normal. "Yea, Cap, just tired. Needed some fresh air."
Hank grabbed his shoulder. "Go home, grab a shower and lunch."
"Lunch?" Johnny asked.
"Pally, you've been missing for two hours." Hank raised a concerned brow at him.
Johnny looked at his watch. "Sorry, Cap. I didn't realize."
"It's okay. Get cleaned up and come back when you've had a break. Emily's here with the kids so they can visit with Joanne. We'll keep an eye on her."
"Thanks, Cap. I'll be back soon."
The engine idled for a long time. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting in the parking space. He felt numb, the world around him existing in another time. These last few days had been mentally and physically exhausting, and he couldn't help feeling like he was sitting at the bottom of a well. It was a good analogy: the pit of darkness, his thoughts echoing in his brain, people in the distance talking to him, and a light that seemed so far away.
He shook his head physically, gripping the steering wheel tight. "Come on, Gage, pull it together." This behavior was going to set off people's alarms, and he wanted no attention on himself right now.
Once out of the Rover, he trudged up the stairs to his place and closed the door behind him. Glancing at the clock, it was just after one. If he could get a little shut-eye, everything would look better. Then, he'd grab lunch and sit with Joanne the rest of the day.
Too many steps, he thought. "Sleep."
"Gage!"
Johnny sat straight up in the bed to find Chet standing in his doorway. "What are you doing, Chet!"
"Apparently, finding out that you have not been kidnapped, or fallen off a bridge, or died in your sleep. Why do these things come to mind? Well, probably because Joanne has been pacing the floors, not over Roy, but over not hearing from you for seven hours."
He shot a look at the clock as he pushed past tormenting dreams of water and mud-filled nightmares. It was almost eight o'clock. Running his fingers through his hair, he slid his feet to the floor. "Guess I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep." Then, a thought went through him. "Roy?"
"Same. He's had a rough afternoon, but the doc says it's expected, and they aren't too concerned." He leaned against the door frame. "Man, what happened to you?"
Standing up, he stretched, then walked past Chet, heading to the kitchen. Following him, Chet sat at the table and watched Johnny with interest. "Are you sick?"
"I'm fine. Just didn't realize how tired I was." He turned on the coffee pot and pulled out two cups.
"Well, that's what happens when you spend three days partying like your twenty again."
He inwardly cringed. "I'm not tired from that, Chet. If you've forgotten, the last forty-eight hours have been hell," he snapped. "Look, I said I'm okay. I'll get cleaned up and be at the hospital in an hour."
Chet burrowed his brow. "Geez, what bee do you have in your bonnet?"
"You're in my bonnet, Chet. Now, you can go and let me get showered. Unless you want to watch me do that too."
The man jumped up. "Oh, no, you've made your point, man. I'm out of here." Letting out a breath, he tried to remember that what happened to Roy would hit Johnny worse than the rest of them. "Doc feels like Roy's gonna get through this, you know."
"I don't want to talk about it. See you at the hospital."
The hot water poured over his body; it should have felt good, but he only wanted to punch the shower wall hard enough to crack it. Leaving behind a full cup of coffee, he headed back to Rampart. It was where he should be, where he was needed. Why did he dread it so much? The CICU waiting room was full when he stepped off the elevator. Half were here with Joanne, and the other half were strangers. Releasing a cleansing breath, he headed straight to her.
"I'm so sorry," he started.
"No apologizing. You were exhausted, hon. You'd just spent hours saving Roy's life and getting him here alive. Don't ever think I'd be upset; you needed sleep after all that. I was just worried and needed to make sure you were okay."
He playfully rolled his eyes. "So, you sent Chet to break into my apartment."
She dangled the key. "You forget who has the other key," she smirked.
"Touche'. How's he doing?"
"They just shooed me out again. There were problems with his central line, and they were replacing it. It's been a busy day for him," she sounded defeated. "Seems like one thing gets better, and two other things fall apart."
"It's going to take time," he reassured her.
"I'm just thankful for all the support."
"Have you eaten?" He asked.
"Emily brought dinner, I'm good."
When she was distracted by another visitor checking on her, Johnny quietly moved to the other side of the room and sat down beside Mike. The expectation of conversation would be less with Mike.
"Where?" Mike asked without looking at him.
"What?" Johnny asked.
"Where did you go?"
There was no judgment in his tone, but Johnny knew that expression.
"Just home. Fell asleep and didn't hear the alarm."
Mike stood up. "I'm going to check on Roy. Have you seen him today?"
"This morning."
What was that expression? Disappointment? Johnny stood up and headed in the opposite direction, anxiety and confusion washing through him. When the door to the stairs was in front of him, he headed down them and didn't stop until he reached the main floor. In minutes, he was outside and standing beside his Rover. Everything in him wanted to get in and leave.
"Johnny?"
Closing his eyes, he let out a sigh. "What, Chet?"
"Look, man, I don't know what's going on, but Joanne's worried about you." He shuffled his feet. "And, you know, I mean, Johnny, she shouldn't be."
He wanted to be annoyed and angry at Chet, butting his head into places it didn't belong. But deep down, he knew the man was right. Releasing a deep sigh, he nodded. "Let her know I'll be right back. Just needed some fresh air."
"Okay." Chet hesitated momentarily before turning and leaving, worried about his friend.
Inside, he ignored the eyes that followed him as he walked past the group and through the CICU doors. Roy's room was busier than he desired as he stepped into it. Joanne was sitting in the far corner crying. Heading straight to her, he knelt by her chair.
"What's wrong?"
Shaking her head, she wiped her nose with a tissue. "It's just so up and down, Johnny. It's exhausting."
Looking back, he could see the nurse hanging more blood. Standing up, he walked over to her.
"Mary?"
"Hey Johnny, good to see you." She glanced back at Joanne. "She really needs the support today."
Again, he felt inadequate. "What's going on with him? More blood? Is he bleeding again?"
"His count is down again; they're not sure why. Getting more labs and x-rays now."
Looking at Roy was hard. It wasn't the man he knew or the man he said goodbye to that morning at the station. How was he going to be able to come back from this?
Moving back over to Joanne, he leaned against the wall beside her, reaching down to take her hand. Words weren't needed. Just presence and comfort. That was the very least he could do for her now, no matter what battle raged inside him.
Slowly, the room settled, and the lab results came back. Kel stepped inside to update them.
"We've been able to stabilize him again. We're not finding any specific reason for the drop in his blood count. We'll have to keep an eye on it."
"If it happens again?" Joanne asked.
"Then we'll go back to the OR and look."
Joanne sat forward in the chair. "Can he handle another surgery?"
"We won't go down that path unless necessary, and at that point, we'll just have to do it and get him through it."
She started to tear up again.
He moved closer. "He's stable right now. You're exhausted and need a break. I encourage you to go home, see the kids, and get some sleep."
"I don't want to leave him alone," she cried.
Kel looked up at Johnny, clearly expecting him to jump in and volunteer.
He felt trapped.
"I work tomorrow; I just need to run home and grab clothes and a bag for in the morning."
She was already nodding. "I can be back before you must leave. Thank you so much, Johnny."
It was set. And everyone was happy.
Johnny pulled his clean uniform out of the closet and pushed it into the duffel bag, socks, shaving gear, and work boots. Sitting on the side of his bed, he stared at the wall for a long time.
"Need to move," he mumbled to himself. "Move."
The effort shouldn't be that hard. This was Roy, his best friend, his brother, his family. Why was it so hard?
"Jo needs you; focus on that," he told himself. "This isn't about how unbearable the last three days have been. Move."
Downstairs, he opened the fridge door and looked around. Leftovers were going bad, the fruit and vegetable drawer was empty, and there was no bread left. How long had it been since he went grocery shopping? That went on his mental to-do list. A part of him knew he needed to eat, but nothing sounded appealing. Deciding to grab something on the way, he locked up and headed back to Rampart. Being on autopilot, he didn't even remember the red lights, the turns, or the drive. It was unlike him, but right now, he was okay with it. Autopilot meant less thinking, and he had a lot he didn't want to think about anymore.
Once inside, he headed to the waiting room and found Joanne with a couple of their neighbors. The 51 crew had already said their goodbyes and headed home for the evening. A pang of guilt hit him, seeing how utterly exhausted she looked. Had she eaten anything?
"Joanne."
Looking up, she smiled at him. He pulled up one to match hers. "Ready?"
Shaking her head, she stood up and grabbed her pocketbook. "How am I a good wife when I leave him tonight?"
"Hey, to help him, you have to get some rest and eat. This," he waved to the CICU doors, "will take time. It's a marathon, Joanne, so get some rest, and I'll see you in the morning."
"I can't thank you enough, Johnny. Roy needs to know we're all here for him."
"He knows. Hug the kids for me."
Hugging him, she reluctantly turned and headed to the elevator with her neighbors. A quick glance back, and Johnny shot her a reassuring smile before the elevator doors closed. The waiting room was mostly empty now, and the sun was setting. He plopped down into a chair and waited.
After about two hours, a nurse came through the door, smiling at him. "Johnny, so glad to see you."
Standing up, he returned the hug. "Carolyn, you look great. When did you come back?"
"About a month ago. I've been mostly in the surgery suite, but they are short-staffed tonight here. I have Roy tonight. Ready to come back?"
He nodded and grabbed his duffle.
After tucking his duffle into the bathroom cabinet, he moved to the small chair in the far corner of the room.
"Silly, you can move up here. I know you want to keep a close eye on him."
Johnny hesitated. "I don't want to get in the way."
"Oh, you could never be in the way. Come on. I made room on the other side over here for you and have a chair you can relax in tonight. I hear you work tomorrow?"
He nodded. "Thanks."
"You sure are quiet." She glanced back at Roy. "He's stable right now. Hopefully, we'll have a steady night, and he can get some rest, too."
Giving in to her ongoing encouragement, Johnny moved to the far side of the bed and accepted the blanket and pillow she passed to him. His eyes grazed across the man in the bed. Pale, sallow, dark circles under his eyes, tubes, and wires coming from everywhere. His bruised and battered body seemed barely alive. His brow furrowed. This shouldn't have ever happened. It just hurt too much to even look at him. Glancing at the monitors, he studied the numbers; steady heartbeat, mechanical and paced, no longer his own rhythm, blood pressure remained borderline tolerable despite the medications. One had a constant number, and it took him a minute to realize it was monitoring the pressure in his heart, the catheter inserted into his neck vein.
He felt shaky, unsteady. The third monitor held another single, steady number. Tracing the line down to the bed, he found it going under the bandage around his head. They were monitoring the pressure inside his head.
Johnny felt nauseated.
Placing the blanket in the chair, he headed to the door.
"I'll be right back."
Through the main doors, past the waiting room, down the long hall, and through a med-surgical unit, the medic moved without pausing. Off the med-surg nurses' station was an outdoor patio, and Johnny pushed through the door, breathing in the fresh air as if he were suffocating. Deep breaths, again and again, hands to his knees, his body quivering.
"Breathe," the voice said. "Just breathe."
A hand rubbed his back, and another steadied his shoulder.
"That's it. In and out. Slow down a bit. Easy does it."
His breathing slowed, and the nausea was easing up.
"Good," the soft voice said. "Come over here and sit for me."
Guided to a chair, he sat down, seeing the white nursing shoes standing close to him and royal blue scrubs.
Looking up, he made eye contact with a nurse who was smiling at him, radiating caring and warmth.
"Better?"
He nodded. "Sorry."
"No, never be sorry. This place can feel overwhelming sometimes. I'm glad you found our safe space."
Her smile widened. Turning to the other nurse who was approaching them, she took the orange juice cup, opened it, and handed it to him.
"Drink this."
Shaking his head, "no, I'm good."
She pushed it closer and looked sterner. "Drink this."
He took it with a sigh and drank until it was empty. Only then did he realize it was the first thing he'd eaten or drunk for a long time. "Thank you."
"Now, where is your family member?"
"CICU."
Sitting down beside him, she nodded. "I see. Critical condition?"
He nodded, holding back the tears. "Bad."
"I'm very sorry to hear that. Are you ready to head back?"
A quiet shake of his head and guilt flooded back.
"It's okay," she said softly. "We have no time limit here."
Johnny leaned forward, elbows to knees, his head in his hands. "I can't."
The hand rubbed his back again. No words were spoken as she simply gave him time.
He wasn't sure how long he sat there, not long, but enough peaceful time to gather his composure again. Sitting back up, he nodded. "Thank you."
"Ready now?"
A quiet nod.
She waited patiently for him to stand up. "I'll walk with you if that's okay."
He didn't want to decline the invitation. Something was comforting and strong about her, things that he sorely lacked right now. So, he just nodded. The walk was quiet, a comfortable quiet, and soon they were at the CICU doors. Johnny paused, not wanting to go through them yet.
"Why don't we sit here for a minute."
They took two seats beside each other.
"May I ask who?"
"My brother," he replied. "Well, not a blood brother, but best friend."
She quietly nodded.
"He was in a car accident three days ago."
"I'm so sorry to hear that."
The pager on her hip alarmed. Picking it up, she read the message. "Looks like they found me," she smiled. "Look, I'm right down the hall tonight; just ask at the nurse's station if you need me." Standing up, she met his eyes. "I'm Hannah."
"Johnny. And thanks." Her calm and soothing demeanor offset the mild embarrassment he was feeling.
Watching her return to work, he took a few deep, cleansing breaths and returned to Roy's room. Carolyn watched him move to the chair and get comfortable.
"I just finished my hourly checks. He's stable, so I will let you both rest a bit."
Soon, silence fell over the room, an easy quiet despite the humming medication pumps and the soft beeping of the monitors.
"I'm here, brother. I'm here."
He wasn't sure what woke him, the terrifying dream where he was fighting his way up from the bottom of the ocean or the alarms going off in the room. Carolyn was moving around quietly, tending to the noises, which eventually were quiet.
"Everything okay?"
She nodded. "He's just very sensitive to our cares and lets us know when he's had enough handling."
Johnny couldn't bring himself to look at the monitors this morning. Instead, he watched Roy's chest rise and fall in synch with the ventilator. There were no breaths on his own.
Early morning checks happened around five a.m. Johnny took this as his wake-up call for the day and headed to the restroom to get cleaned up and ready for work. Roy remained stable overnight, even if progress hadn't been made. Unchanged was acceptable to him, and he wouldn't complain. Exiting the restroom off the waiting room, he paused and looked down at the long hallway. Part of him wondered if all that happened was a dream or an angel sent to watch over him when he was falling apart at the seams. Knowing it was neither, he decided just to be thankful for the kind gestures of the staff and wait for Joanne's return.
By seven, she was stepping off the elevator and looked rested and refreshed.
"How was his night, Johnny?"
"It was uneventful, and that's a good thing."
Nodding, she agreed. "Two nights down. It must be a good sign, right?"
"We'll definitely take it. I'm going to head out, but I'll check in when we have breaks."
After a firm hug, she hurried through the doors to her husband, and Johnny grabbed his bag and left for work.
It started the moment he stepped into the locker room, the questions and need to understand everything happening to Roy. Didn't they understand how it was sucking the life from him?
Of course, they were visibly pleased he had stayed overnight so Joanne could be with the kids, but he couldn't answer most of the questions. He didn't know what was next or when he would wake up. He didn't know. Why did they keep asking him?
It was easier to stay silent than to risk snapping back and raising eyebrows at his attitude. He'd suffered through a shift of not knowing where he was or what had happened. If possible, this shift already felt even worse. He knew exactly where he was and why. His partner for today was Mark, an overall good guy, a strong medic, and a customarily welcomed chatterbox. Today, though, he didn't have it in him to participate in endless conversation and pretend everything was okay. The others, Mike, Marco, and even Chet seemed to pick up on that, and by lunch, they were trying to give him space. It helped that the shift was moderately busy, the time passed quicker, and it added much-needed distraction.
Lunch conversation revolved around the next three days they had off and what everyone had planned. Of course, this included rotating to sit with Roy, making sure Joanne had what she needed, and having wives and girlfriends help the family with meals. This wasn't just their shift; it was station-wide that had jumped in to take care of one of their own, and Johnny felt pride in that family involvement. Firefighters circle the wounded and hold up the families for as long as needed. Roy was a grounding force here, and no one planned to leave him behind.
"John."
He looked to his Captain, already dreading the response. "Cap."
"My office."
The others looked concerned as he left the table and rounded the corner to Hank's office.
"Close the door."
Sitting down, he waited for the lecture about his behavior, his distance, what was wrong with him, and why he was acting this way.
"It's been a rough week. What can I do to help you?"
Captain Hank Stanley had always been a caring, supportive, and involved leader of their crew. However, he had to admit he was taken aback.
"Um, I'm good, Cap."
Hank eyed him and leaned back in his chair, which seemed to dip to the ground. "I don't think you are, but I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need to talk."
Emotions flooded him, and for the first time, facing a workmate, he had to consciously tuck them back into hiding. "I appreciate it, Cap."
Hank sat up; his face serious. "One other thing."
Johnny wasn't sure what to expect.
"I got a call from McDonald at 186 this morning."
For a moment, he was confused. 186? They weren't at the scene with Roy.
"Del Mar," Hank said.
It was the equivalent of a brick wall collapsing on him, the memories flooding back and threatening to steal his breath away.
He immediately stood up. "I, I can't."
Hank stood up also, "John…"
He couldn't make eye contact with the man, stepping backward until the doorknob pressed into his back. "No, no…"
"John Gage," Hank said firmly. "Take a seat. Now."