Albert hadn't seen the scary purple-haired girl around the cathedral in a while. Now was the perfect time to approach Barbara. As President of the Barbara Fan Club, he had a duty to worship the ground his idol walked on.
He purchased a small box of chocolates and staked out the church. His patience was rewarded when Barbara left the church. Albert followed her out of the city until they arrived at a Statue of the Seven. She began cleaning the statue, humming an adorable little song.
Albert stepped out of hiding and rushed to her side. "Miss Barbara, Miss Barbara!"
As he proffered the box, Barbara let out a long-winded sigh. He bet she must've been happy to see her number-one fan.
"I love you, Miss Barbara," he declared. "Please accept these as a token of my affection."
"Albert, we've been over this. You shouldn't bother me while I'm working."
"I know, I know," he said, "But you make me so happy that I just can't help but shout it to the world! Please, consider going out with me?"
"No, I have a boyfriend."
His happy world crashed, shattering into trillions of glass shards. Albert plummeted into an endless pit of despair that threatened to drown him.
"No,' he said. "You're lying. You must be."
"It's the truth."
"Well, where is he then?"
"He's exploring Natlan right now."
Exploring Natlan? A nation on the other side of Teyvat? Such an obvious lie that not even a simple child would believe. Albert's hope returned.
"Oh, Miss Barbara," he said. "You don't have to lie to me. There is no boyfriend. What fool would leave Miss Barbara to explore a backward place like Natlan?"
"That 'fool' would be Aether."
"The traveler?" he laughed. "Well, if he's fool enough to leave a goddess like you, he never deserved you. He's there. I'm here."
She reached into her pocket, rubbing her thumb along a wooden token. The token had an engraving like a teapot. The engraving blinked bright red. Albert didn't give it much thought. He pressed forward, pinning Barbara against the statue.
The idol looked past him. A smile popped up on her lips. "Oh good, you're here."
Before he could turn around, everything went dark.
He woke up nursing a monster headache. When he tried moving, he found his arms pinned to his sides by a thin blue line. The forest of Mondstadt had become a vast, dark cavern.
The wind whistled over his shoulders. It was then he saw, with horror, that he was lying at the top of an incredibly tall tower.
"Where am I?" he murmured.
"Enkanomiya, at the Dainichi Mikoshi."
He wheeled to the voice. A tall, slender shrine maiden with pink hair leaned against a pillar. She perused a light novel, hardly paying him any attention. Not far off, a second tall slender woman with black hair held the blue cables that bound him.
That deaconess Rosaria flipped a dagger around in her fingers. A Mirror Maiden and a Cryo Cincin Mage sifted through a tool kit full of scalpels. One woman, in a gray suit, regarded him with the scariest crimson eyes that instantly aged him by twenty years.
"Who are you people?"
The Mirror Maiden exchanged grimly amused snickers with the Cryo Cincin Mage. The Shrine Maiden, still perusing her light novel, spoke.
"Who are we? We're Barbara's friends. And we're quite fond of her and the man you called 'a fool.' Aren't we girls?"
The blue lines dug into his skin. He yelped in panic.
"Please, stop!"
"Stop?" Cryo Cincin Mage sneered. "Did you stop harassing Barbara when she asked?"
"What are you going to do to me?"
Yae Miko wagged her finger. "Now, now, Mondstadt law forbids vigilante justice."
He relaxed a bit.
Rosaria stopped spinning the knife. Pointing the tip at Albert, she said, "Of course, we're not in Mondstadt. Are we?"
The Knave hoisted him up by his shirt and hurled him over the ledge.
A First in Medical History Article by Charlotte
Mondstadt resident Albert made history today by being the first patient admitted into the hospital with a box of chocolates shoved thirteen inches up his rectum. Doctors are still mind-blown by his bizarre condition. Surgeons believe they can remove the box, but it will be difficult.
Sara of Good Hunter, the chocolate seller, released a statement that her company denies all responsibility for Albert's condition. She explains, "If he wants to shove food up his arse, that's his business."
Oddly enough, he has suffered a form of amnesia. He is completely unable to recall how he ended up with a box of chocolates up his rectum.
When examining him, the doctors discovered a bottled flame in his stomach. Once ingested, this substance erases memory and even personality. Albert remembers most of his life, save the events that landed him in the hospital, which suggests he received a dosage tempered to erase a certain period of memory.
Despite losing memory, Albert has retained several new phobias that he likely accumulated during the period before his admission. Psychologists have diagnosed him with Pyrophobia, Cryophobia, Hydrophobia, Acrophobia, Fennecaphobia, Sphenisciphobia, and Gynophobia. His Sphenisciphobia, the fear of nuns, has kept him away from the cathedral. Most of the sisters see this as an absolute win.