"You barely touched your food," Derek leaned against the doorframe, a sigh escaping his lips "You want to tell me what's going on?"
Zola looked up from her book and shrugged, "Nothing."
Derek sighed, "Listen, I get it, it's easier to talk to your mom. She gets things that I don't and she's your mom. But I just-"
Zola watched him intently, her silence pressing down on him as he fumbled for the right words.
"Zo, I'm here for you sweetie," his shoulders feel as if there was nothing left but the corny words coming from his mouth, "I just want you to know that if you need anything, if anyone is bothering you, I'm here."
She nodded as she processed his words, "I know."
"Okay," he smiled, "Sweet dreams-"
"Why did you and mom divorce?"
The question hit him like a punch to the gut. He blinked, momentarily stunned. "What?"
"What happened? Why did you make those big promises and then broke them?"
"Zo-"
"I know," she rolled her eyes, "It was complicated and I'm too young to understand. She said that already."
Derek exhaled as he looked to each side of the hallway. He stepped into the room and gently closed it behind him, "Mind if I sit down?"
Zola sat up and nodded.
"You were little when it happened," he shrugged, "We just…"
There were two notches under his belt. Two notches that reminded him that he had two failed marriages and both were his fault.
"It was complicated Zo," he resigned, "But, that doesn't mean we didn't mean those promises it just means that-"
"She stopped, her eyes blinking rapidly as she tried to hold back tears.
"You and Mom stopped loving each other," she whispered, her voice trembling. "What if you stop loving me?"
The world around him collapse. How did this beautiful, smart, brilliant daughter of his ever think he or her mother would ever stop loving her? How much damage had his arrogant mistakes cause?
He shifted slightly as he shook his head in disbelief, "Is this why you're upset? You think we're-"
"It's part of it," She let herself fall back onto the pillow, "Those are really big promises and you just…gave up."
"Zola," He reached for her hand, "Your mom and I? We're gonna love you no matter what happens between her and I. We wanted you more than you could ever imagine."
A soft chuckle escaped him, "So much that she literally stole you and ran away."
Zola smiled softly, "She told me the story. You were mad but mostly because you were worried."
"And other reasons," he muttered to himself, "Those promises on the post-it? We still mean them. It's just…slightly different."
"Okay," Zola whispered as her father pressed his lips against her forehead.
As Derek pulled back, he lingered for a moment, his heart aching with the knowledge that no matter how much love he poured into his children, there would always be a part of him that feared he had let them down. But for now, he held onto the hope that she understood, even if only a little.
He stood from the bed with a heavy side and made his way to the door. His hands ran up and down his face as if he were wiping shame and regret.
"She had it in her room."
He turned around.
"What?"
"She had the post-it in her room. It was in a sock drawer. I was getting something from there and I found it. I kept it and hid it in my room in my night drawer-"
"Zo-"
"She didn't know I took it," Zola confessed, "I never told her. But when Aunt Maggie said we had to leave the house the day of the fire, it was the only thing I could think of to take."
Derek watched as she stared at her hands for a moment before her brown eyes glanced at him. There was a slight smirk behind her lips. Like she knew that the confession would mean something. As if she was purposely planting a seed for him to water and grow.
Derek smiled, "Sweet dreams, Zo Zo."
—-
Two weeks had passed since she decided to take residence with Maggie and Winston. Two weeks since her life had been flipped right under her and she was forced to spend nights away from her children. Two weeks since the weight of the world sat on her shoulders.
And two weeks of shouting and yelling.
"I told you! I will call the journal and have it retracted!"
"It's not about the article!" Winston argued back. He opened the door to the attending's room and stepped into it. Meredith trailed behind the arguing couple and rolled her eyes as she moved towards one of the cubbies. She stuffed her purse in and pulled out her purple scrub cap.
"You don't respect me, Maggie! I didn't even get any kind of mention-"
"I told you, it's just click-"
"Can you please just take some responsibility for once?"
"I can't control what other people write about me," Maggie yelled back, "When did we stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt?"
Meredith stepped into the restroom. She stared at the mirror for a moment before pulling her scrub top on. These fights were familiar. She'd heard a version of them years ago and now it was all haunting her back.
"When you said you don't respect me," he insisted, "I told you my marriage meant more to me than any job and you still wouldn't let me-"
"It's so much more complicated than that!" Maggie followed him out of the room and slammed the door behind her. Meredith opened the bathroom door as she heard her footsteps walk away and released a long sigh.
Amelia stepped into the room and sighed, "Wow. The honeymoon period is really over for those two, huh?"
"Yeah," Meredith shook her head as she pulled her blonde hair into a low ponytail, "You should hear them when they're home. The last two weeks have been a lot of fun."
"You're staying at their place?" Amelia furrowed her brow, "How's that going?"
"Well you just heard it. It's awkward and uncomfortable."
"Yeah, I remember that," Amelia muttered almost to herself. Meredith's head snapped towards her, "Next comes the uncomfortable staring at each other while forcing smiles and high squeaky voices for the kids."
"They don't have kids," Meredith retorted as she stuffed her street clothes in her bag.
"Mm," Amelia nodded. She awkwardly fiddled her hands in her coat pocket, "I bet the kids like going over though, right? They love Maggie."
"They do but it's not home," Meredith shakes her head, "And it gets hard because Maggie's place is so far from their Dad's and right now their Dad's house is the only normal thing going on in their lives so they spend the nights with him."
Amelia reached for the coffee carafe, "You haven't been able to find anywhere else to stay?"
"Not close enough to the kids or to the hospital," Meredith shook her head as she slipped on her navy Converse, "I need to find a place where the kids can come and go from Derek's to my place. Wherever that'll be."
"I'm close to Derek's."
Meredith's head snapped up.
"I mean, if you want," Amelia fiddled with the foam cup in her hands, "I have a spare room. And it's just me and Scout ever since Link and I split up. And the kids love to come over when they're at Derek's so it's familiar to them. He comes over often. He kinda misses me since I moved out so he brings them over to play with Scout or for dinners on Fridays-."
"Really? I don't want to- I know we've had our differences and I don't want it to be awkward with your brother, we've really- you really don't have to-"
"I know I don't," Amelia shrugged, "The kids really get along with Scout and I love having them over. Ellie has proclaimed herself the caretaker of all things Scout so really, my place is uh, your place. If you want to."
"Thank you. I have to think about it, though, I-," Meredith sighed, "It's Maggie and I don't want to hurt her feelings."
"I get it. Let me know, I mean it," Amelia smiled and made her way to the door before turning back, "I knew about Mark and Addie."
"Sorry?"
"Mark and Addie? Addison? I knew they were sleeping together. I caught them once. Before Derek found out. And I never told him. I kept her secret."
"Okay-"
"She was the better sister out of the others so I chose not to tell Derek. I was also angry at him for all the crap that we went through as kids which doesn't fully excuse anything but," Amelia confessed, "I didn't realize how much it actually hurt my brother when he found out until I heard he ran. And even then we didn't talk about it. And Addie and I stayed close. But I moved out here and I saw how hurt he was after your divorce and it was ten times worse-"
"Amelia-"
"Which is why I was mean to you," she continued, "and said cruel things. And didn't bother to think how hurt you were. I thought it would somehow make up for not saying anything and for the first time I was fine and he was not."
"I'm trying to say sorry," Amelia shrugged, "It was complicated and I should have stayed out of it. You're family- and not just because your kids are my nieces and nephew. I'd be more than happy to have you stay as long as you need."
"Thank you," Meredith answered sincerely.
—
Alice Cabrera was an excellent pediatric surgeon. She had outstanding recommendations and an almost impeccable resume. She was the perfect candidate to step in as a pediatric surgeon and chief of the pediatric surgery department in the wake of Alex Karev's sudden departure.
Everyone on the board was thoroughly impressed. Including Meredith Grey. Surprisingly. They had scrubbed in on a few surgeries early on in her tenure where Meredith found out that Dr. Cabrera had a nine-year old son. Meredith had smiled and had shared that she also had a nine-year old named Bailey. They both were dumbfounded by their typical boy habits but loved their boys nonetheless. Dr. Cabrera in turn learned that Dr. Grey had two daughters: a twelve- year old, Zola, and a seven year old named Ellis. She could see how much she adored her children and admired her for carrying on as a single mother.
But their father was very much involved, Dr. Grey had cleared up. He was a good dad and very beloved by their kids. It just didn't work out between them and that was that. Dr. Cabrera didn't push. She knew all too well of fractured marriages. She was divorced two years and hadn't dated since. She wasn't ready. Her ex was her college sweetheart but their careers- he was a lawyer- got in the way.
Meredith had smiled sympathetically. She understood that.
For the first time in a very long time, Meredith had thought she'd found a friend. Her sense of humor and her sarcastic undertones reminded her of her person. And although there was no replacing Cristina, Alice was close enough.
Until she inquired about the handsome neurosurgeon with salt and peppered locks and ocean blue eyes.
"He's single right?" Alice whispered as they walked down the bustling hallway. Her eyes sparkled with a mix of curiosity and hopeful anticipation, "I mean I've heard some nurses talk about a nasty divorce but I think they said that was years ago."
Meredith had clenched her jaw and before she could answer she had been paged to the PIT. A thousand responses raced through her mind, but before, her phone beeped urgently, summoning her to the PIT.
Weeks later, the other shoe finally dropped.
She'd learned they were seeing each other from Maggie the night she introduced her to Nick Marsh.
"Did you know that Derek is seeing Alice Cabrera? The peds surgeon?"
Meredith turned from the sink, "What?"
"Yeah," Maggie nodded, "I saw them at that little Italian place on 5th. Winston and I were out for date night and I saw them together."
Meredith tossed a towel on the counter, "I don't talk to Derek about his personal life."
"I just thought you'd know since you were starting to get along with Cabrera," Maggie shrugged, "Besides I think this is the first time that Derek's actively sees someone since the divorce right?"
"What Derek decides to do is his business," Meredith shrugged, "Cabrera is a colleague, that's it."
It stung. She'd admit it had stung. But the true killer was when Derek had informed her of his intentions to introduce her to their children.
"Meredith, I need to talk to you before I go," Derek stepped up next to her as she erased her name off the surgical board.
"Yeah, what's up?" she asked.
"It's my weekend with the kids and-," he swallowed a lump in his throat.
He was nervous, she could tell. And she already knew what he was going to tell her, she wasn't stupid. She had seen it all unfold right in front of her. Alice had truly been a nice match for him. She was respectful and kept it all separate. They were colleagues at work and whatever they were outside stayed outside. She didn't flirt with him in the hospital, they didn't overstep, and she was respectful of their children. She had one of her own and knew how important this next step was.
He fidgeted with the watch on his wrist and took a deep breath before continuing.
"Uh, Alice invited the kids and me over for dinner and I think I should- I mean they should probably meet her," he stammered with a slight chuckle before leaning against the board, "I think it's time they do."
They knew of her. They knew she was Brandon's mom and they'd seen her around their dad at functions. They tried to be subtle and were often successful but her kids were far too bright to know that she was just a colleague.
"Wow, you two are pretty serious," Meredith replied loosely, "She's the first person you introduce to them."
"Yeah, I guess we are," Derek nodded as he pressed his lips into a thin smile, "Anyways I just- I wanted to tell you. You always ran things like that by me and I really appreciated that so-"
"No, please, uh they're our kids so um," she pressed her lips together in a slight smile, "They'll like her, they're so good that way."
"Yeah," he nodded, "I'd say we're doing a pretty good job so far."
"I'd say so too," Meredith smiled back.
"Okay," he breathly replied before he coughed and pushed himself off, "I'll uh pick them up from school."
Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat before a chirp of her phone distracted her. She looked down at it and sighed at the text.
Nick Marsh: Dinner? I'll pick you up at 7.
She didn't hate her.
She didn't dislike her.
There was no ill feeling towards her.
Whatever had happened between Derek and Meredith had nothing to do with Alice. And just like Meredith, Derek deserved the chance to move on.
All of this played in her head as she walked quickly down the hallway. Meredith had spotted Alice standing over the counter from a distance.
"Dr. Grey—Meredith!" Alice called out, her face lighting up as she noticed her approaching. "Hey, I've been meaning to check in on you. How are you doing?"
Meredith sighed, "I'm great. I'm fine."
"Meredith-"
"I'm-" she raised a hand, "Really, I'm fine. Thanks for asking."
Alice nodded, "I heard they're trying to fast track the construction. Derek says they'll probably finish faster than what they anticipated. That's a good thing, right?"
"That's what the contractor said," she replied curtly, eager to end the conversation, "Listen, I really should-"
"No, please, let me-," Alice nervously chuckled, "I know it's strange this whole 'dating your ex-husband thing'-"
"Alice-"
"No- I," Alice continued, "I just want you to know that if you need someone, I'm here. I really am here."
"Thanks," Meredith nodded, "I appreciate that."
"Okay," she smiled before turning to walk away.
"Alice?"
"Yeah?" turned, her expression surprised and hopeful at the sudden beckoning.
"I know Zola hasn't been the kindest lately," Meredith said, her voice softening, "I'm sorry, she's just-"
"Going through a difficult time," Alice sighed, "We were all teenagers once. I get it."
"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "Thanks. Again."
As Alice walked away, Meredith exhaled slowly, feeling a mix of relief and lingering unease. Which only worsened as a page brought her back to reality.
—
"Hey," Meredith entered the scan room and cleared her throat, "You paged me? Are the kids okay?"
"Yeah, they're great. I paged you for something else," Derek turned to her and nodded, "Take a look at these scans."
Derek gestured toward the large monitor on the wall. Meredith stepped closer and focused on the images.
"This is an MRI of the thoracic spine," Derek began, pointing to the first image. "You can see the tumor here." He highlighted a bright, irregular mass that was clearly visible amidst the spinal structures. "It's located around the T8-T10 vertebrae, and it's infiltrating the spinal cord."
Meredith nodded, studying the tumor's appearance.
"Woah," she sighed, "It's aggressive."
"Yeah," Derek agreed. "The tumor is encroaching on the spinal cord, which is why I'm concerned about potential neurological damage."
He then moved to the next image, a different view of the same region. "Here's another one. Notice how the tumor is causing erosion in the T9 vertebra?" He pointed out the damaged vertebra, where the normal bone structure was distorted.
Meredith examined the CT scan closely. "So, the tumor has not only affected the spinal cord but also the vertebrae. That's going to complicate the resection."
Derek nodded. "We'll need to remove the tumor, but we also have to address the compromised vertebrae. We might need to consider stabilization or reconstruction to maintain spinal integrity."
Meredith looked back at the MRI. "And the risk of neurological damage?"
Derek's expression was serious. "High. If we're not extremely careful, we could exacerbate the patient's symptoms or cause new deficits."
"Whose on this with you?"
"Originally it would've been Amy but she's unavailable," he turned to her, "I was hoping you'd want in on this?"
"You want me on this?"
"If you're available," he nodded as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pristine white coat.
"We haven't scrubbed in on a surgery together in years," Meredith scoffed, "There was a reason for that."
"Mmhm," he nodded.
"It's what got us suspended," she whispered, "It was really bad."
"Yeah," he nodded, "Probably worse than Maggie and Winston."
"So you've heard about them?"
He scoffed, "Everyone has. I saw them yelling at each other in the parking lot last night."
Meredith shook her head, "They'll figure it out."
"Mm," he hummed, "I hope so."
She glanced at him for a moment, "Are you sure you want me- why are you asking me to scrub in? You could have Bailey in there or you can wait for Amelia-"
"You're right but Amelia is unavailable and the chief's busy too," Derek sighed, "Look I know you and I haven't scrubbed in together in a while now-and with good reason- but even I can admit that you are the best general surgeon in this building and I'd like you to help me on this. If you're comfortable."
Meredith stared at the scans. Once upon a time she and Derek had been nothing but brilliant in the OR. They worked perfectly together despite the fights after the clinical trial. They'd found a way to work in tandem. Until the resentment and bitterness towards each other had been too much. And the trust that once existed had been ruptured.
Meredith turned to him, "When are you going in for surgery?"
"This afternoon," he nodded, "This thing's pretty aggressive and I'd like for Emma to get to see her kid's graduation."
"Emma?"
"Long. Emma Long. Three kids, one's off to Yale at the end of the school year. One is at Stanford and the other is still in high school."
"Wow, Yale and Stanford."
"Mmhm," he nodded, "Nice family. Her husband's been at every appointment just waiting to hear good news. I very rarely have any."
She watched as his eyes drifted, lost into the many conversations he'd had with this patient. Meredith didn't need to be a resident on his service to know how deeply he cared for his patients, especially those he'd come to know well.
"Derek?"
"Mm?"
"You're not too close to this are you?" she asked quietly, "I know you. I know how much you care."
"No, I'm not," he shrugged, "I just really want to help them."
Meredith turned back to the scans, "Three kids?"
"Two boys, one girl," he confirmed, "She reminds me of Zola."
Meredith nodded, "She's mad at me."
Derek furrowed his brow, "What?"
"And you. She's mad at us because we broke promises."
"I know," Derek sighed knowingly as he thought back to his daughter, "The post-it. She's still upset about finding it."
"Mmhm," Meredith nodded, "I know how she's feeling. I remember being furious at Thatcher and Ellis for not thinking about me. That's how I felt, I felt that they were selfish and ignored me. I felt abandoned and lonely. And now Zo is feeling the same way."
Derek watched her for a moment, "We're not Ellis and Thatcher. You know that right? Neither one of us is neglecting our kids. We're not-"
"Then why does it feel like-"
"Like what?"
Meredith shook her head, "Nothing, it- I can scrub in, I'm available."
"Thanks," Derek smiled as he watched her walk out of the room.
—
"I told you we should've gone in-" Derek's voice was edged with frustration as his voice echoed in the hallway.
"No, I showed you the scans!" Meredith fired back, her tone sharp as she matched him, "You refused to listen—!"
Nurses and others in the hallway couldn't help but to turn to the pair who had no shame in fighting in the middle of the hallway.
"I did-"
"This is not my fault, Derek!" she continued, her eyes blazing with anger.
"Oh, so it's mine?" Derek shot back.
"That's not what I'm—Derek, just listen—"
"I told you I needed to get in there first!" Derek interrupted, his voice trembling with a rare intensity. "I told you that if we didn't get in there, she would end up paralyzed, and now—"
"We couldn't see this coming!" Meredith cut in, her voice strained with the weight of the decision, "You just didn't trust me enough to take the lead! Owen agreed with me!"
The argument had reached a fever pitch, the air thick with the unspoken fear of failure and the desperate need to be right. Both were standing so close, their faces mere inches apart, their eyes locked in a battle of wills.
Suddenly, the authoritative voice of Dr. Bailey sliced through the tension, commanding their attention. "Alright, both of you, stop it!" she barked, stepping between them with a firmness that left no room for argument.
Derek and Meredith both turned to her, their heated exchange halted but far from resolved. They were both breathing heavily, the intensity of their emotions simmering just below the surface.
" , Dr. Shepherd," she hissed, "Meet me in my office. Now!"
—
The operating room was quiet. Unusually quiet. They once were able to maintain mundane conversations about their day. They once were shamelessly flirting across the table. He'd make jokes. She'd retort back. He'd make a dirty joke. She'd reprimand him silently. They talked about the kids, their friends, their family. They talked. They used to talk. But now the OR was silent and nothing but the soothing sounds of the machines and the clanging of surgical instruments was the only thing that echoed in the room.
"How's it staying at Maggie's?" Derek's voice broke through the silence. It was steady, but his eyes flicked briefly toward Meredith,
"Hhm?"
"Maggie's? You've been staying with her and Winston, right? Or did you decide to check in-"
"No, no, I uh, I'm still staying at their place," she replied, her tone distracted as she adjusted her grip on the surgical instrument. "Suction here, please," she directed, nodding towards the surgical field.
"So it's good then? Like old times?"
"Sure except back then the sisters were fighting and now it's the spouses," she shook her head, "She and Winston have been arguing over work and I'm just sitting awkwardly in that guest room listening to all of it."
"Forceps," Derek requested calmly, eyes focused as he worked. He glanced at her and noticed the distress in her face.
She glanced up at him quickly as she realized they were still in the OR, "Sorry, too much information."
"I asked," he chuckled, "You know the invitation-"
"I know," she softly replied, "But I can't Derek. Alice is there and the kids are already confused."
"I get it," he nodded, "Still if you need anything, I'm here."
"I know," she smiled, "Thanks."
"Were our fights that bad?"
"What?" Derek looked up at her, surprise flashing in his eyes before he returned his focus to the surgery. "Suction again, please."
"Our fights? Were they as bad as Maggie and Winston?"
If they looked around, they'd see the knowing looks of the nurses and anesthesiologist.
"It was pretty bad. We were yelling at each other every chance we got. Over the house, mediation, custody," Derek admitted, his voice low, almost as if he were speaking more to himself than to her, "It didn't help that Amy wanted to help me and it just made things worse. Maggie tried to stop us and she barely knew us then but she tried to diffuse things. It helped sometimes but-"
"I told her we were not her problem," Meredith finished for him, "I told Maggie she didn't know anything and she needed to get her own life before butting into mine."
"And then I-" he stopped and looked around the room briefly, "Well you remember. I think we finally stopped when Amelia told you and you decided to give Riggs a chance."
"Actually, your sister offered to let me stay at her place while I find something closer," Meredith cleared her throat, the softness in her voice making it feel like a confession. "Retractor."
"She did?" he looked up at her as his eyes widened, "Really?"
Meredith hummed, "I think I may take her up on it. It's close to your place so I can be with the kids on my days and drop them off without worrying about it being too late."
"That's a good plan," he nodded, a soft smile playing on his lips, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.
They continued working in silence for a moment.
"How are things between you and Alice?" Meredith glanced at him quickly.
Derek glanced up at her, caught off guard, "You're asking me about Alice?"
"Hey, you asked me about-"
"I didn't ask about Nick," he quickly reminded her.
"You did. You asked after the whole thing with Zola."
He continued working, the silence between them growing heavier. Meredith exhaled. She should've kept her mouth shut, she thought. Alice was not her business. His relationship was not her business at all. Still…
"The kids seem to like her," Meredith continued as she observed him quickly, curiosity getting the better of her. She silently kicked herself and wished she could take it back. She glanced at him again and noticed how his breath evened. As if he were taking deep breaths to calm himself.
"Her son is around Bailey's age so that helps," he finally responded, looking up briefly.
"They're good at that," Meredith remarked, a hint of a smile under her mask. "They're good at meeting new people and being nice to them. It takes a while for Ellie to warm up at first, but she comes around."
Derek chuckled softly, "Oh, that explains the furrowed brow every time Alice is around."
Meredith laughed quietly, the sound easing some of the tension between them. They continued in silence, the rhythmic beeping of the monitors the only sound filling the room. It was like a symphony that reminded her that the job in her hands was precious. It was something in her control and something that she could fix. Or at least try to. And in the midst of the chaos she was in, this surgery was a saving grace.
Derek glimpsed at Meredith. Her green eyes were firmly locked on the work in her hands. Her hands were dancing to a carefully crafted symphony. She moved along a rhythm of her own and he couldn't help but admire the way she had always seemed to work so seamlessly. He'd spent hours after hours watching her work. He'd been her teacher after all and even before she finished her residency, she was good. Almost perfect. And contrary to popular belief, he never needed to play favorites. He never needed to offer surgery out of some sort of duty. There was a genuineness to his comments. An honesty that was palpable when he'd report how she mastered a procedure in record time. How she asked the right questions and how her bedside manner was immaculate.
And when her time came to wear the navy scrubs, it was she he often looked for when he needed a general surgeon. He trusted her.
He missed that.
"I'm sorry."
The unexpected clatter of an instrument made Meredith look up at him, her brow furrowing in concern. "What? What happened?"
"No, I'm saying I'm sorry," Derek clarified, shaking his head as he picked up another instrument. "I'm sorry I let things get so bad. We could've—I could've handled everything better."
He picked up another instrument and continued working.
Meredith opened her mouth to respond but hesitated.
"I'm sorry too," she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know I didn't make it easy by hiding and avoiding you. I didn't make it easy either."
She could see the soft smile under his mask. His blue eyes gave it away.
The battles they had fought had been long over but somehow neither of them had been willing to wave a white flag despite the years that had passed. They refused to speak to each other unless it was about the kids. They avoided working together and would call in someone else in their respective department. Interns were under strict orders not to be messengers between the pair and neither had been invited to any lectures or presentations.
He wasn't easy. Neither was she.
The war had long waged on.
But the peace treaty was halted by a loud noise.
"Damn it, what's happening?" Derek's head snapped up.
The monitors began to ring out sharply. The sharp tones forced both surgeons to snap back to the present. Derek turned to the monitor, urgency overtaking his expression. "We're losing her—suction, right now!"
"Pressure's dropping," Meredith called out, her heart racing as she quickly scanned the patient. "Hang another unit of blood and start compressions, now!"
—
Meredith stared at Derek. He wore his navy blue scrub cap on his tousled curls and exhaustion etched into his features.. His hand gripped the railing as he looked out at the crowd in the waiting area.
Emma's family was down there and Derek was mustering up the courage to approach them. He'd come to know their family. He'd come to know her husband and her kids. He'd been close to this case. He somehow always was. He didn't do things half way and it was something she truly admired. Something she learned from him early on.
Care for the patient. Let the job humble you because the minute it doesn't, you're not cut out for it.
It's how she viewed her gift as well.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Meredith asked, "I can go talk to the family if you need-"
"No, it should be me," Derek sighed before turning to her, "I just needed a minute."
"Okay," she whispered as he walked towards them. She watched as he approached them and placed both hands on his hips. Emma's husband quickly stood and held onto every word Derek said. He dropped his head into his hands and wept.
Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat as she watched the family hold on to each other. Emma's husband lifted his head and embraced Derek enthusiastically.
"Thank you," he cried, "Thank you!"
Meredith smiled. Emma had lived. Emma had lived and her surgery had been nothing but a success despite the odds. She smiled as she watched as Derek explained post-op procedures and as her family had graciously clung to every single one of his words.
In that moment, as the weight of the past seemed to lift, Meredith felt something shift within her.
—
"You resected Emma Long's tumor?" Amelia stared at the surgical board, "Without me?"
"I did," Derek answered without looking up at her from his tablet.
"I thought we scheduled that for later today," she furrowed her brow, "You made me clear my–"
She stared at the staff information logged in next to his name and scoffed, "Oh, I see."
"What? What do you see?"
She stepped closer to her brother with her hands on her hips, "You asked Meredith to scrub in."
"She was available and she's a damn good surgeon, you know that."
"And she just happens to be-"
"I'm not taking advantage of any situation, don't even try to insinuate-"
"I'm not," she raised her hands, "I'm just saying that Meredith hides from the real world in the OR. She puts all she has in there and it's the one place she can control especially when she can't control what's around her."
His eyes glanced up as he processed her words, "What's your point?"
Amelia shrugged, "You care about her."
"Well she's the mother of my kids-"
"And you still love her.
Derek stared at her, his jaw tightening as the truth of her statement settled between them. He opened his mouth to respond but found no words, the unspoken emotions between them suddenly too heavy to articulate. Amelia held his gaze, her expression a mixture of concern and determination, waiting for him to acknowledge what they both knew to be true.
"It's why you asked her to scrub in," she continued, "You knew she needed to escape from the real world, and you're the only one who knows exactly how to give her that. A bit risky, though—letting her assist on a surgery we've been planning for months. But hey, all's fair in love and war, right?"
"I'm with Alice," he deadpanned, "We both moved on."
"You and I both know that that's not gonna last. Alice was a distraction from the fact that she was seeing Nick-"
"Amy?"
"What?"
"Shut up," he rolled his eyes, "You remember what it was like when I signed those papers."
"Drunk to the stupor," she nodded, "I know. I remember vividly. I was the one who hauled your ass to AA, remember?"
Derek looked at her, a flicker of pain crossing his face. "And here we are."
"Here we are," she echoed, her voice gentler now, "Be honest, Derek. Do you still love her?"
He stared into the tablet as if he were rereading the details over and over. And over and over.
"I'm asking because I invited her to stay-"
He slammed the tablet closed and stepped closer, "Why did you ask her to stay at your place?"
Amelia shrugged, "She needs a place and I'm close enough to you and the kids. I know they're staying with you until the house gets fixed. I want to help."
Derek studied his sister for a moment, "There's not any other reason-"
"I know better than that," Amelia rolled her eyes.
"Okay," he nodded, "Thanks."
Amelia watched as he went back to his tablet. He seemed tired. Exhausted even. It was a look she hadn't seen on him since the divorce had been finalized. Like he was putting on a mask and was sick and tired of acting the part. She moved away from the board until his voice stopped her once more.
"He asked her to move to Minnesota, Amy," he muttered, "She considered the offer but she declined it because she thought I'd try to keep the kids. The fact that she took a moment to consider leaving Seattle for him, should tell you-"
"But she didn't leave," Amelia whispered as she quickly stepped towards him, "You have a chance, she's still here."
"But she thought about it," he shrugged solemnly, "Whether I love her or not doesn't matter anymore. She moved on. I have to move on, too."
Amelia stared at him, "Then why are you asking her to scrub into surgeries knowing your history? And why are you hiding it from your girlfriend?"
He looked down, "It's on the board. I'm not hiding anything."
Amelia nodded, "Alice is a nice person. She's a good doctor. And she's nice to the kids. And she likes you, I can tell. But you can't move forward with her if you're not honest with yourself Derek."
He pressed his lips together as he pondered her words.
"You still love her Derek."
He sighed, "If love were enough, she'd still be here. Things would be different."
—
"Momma," Ellis' looked up at her from the table where she was finishing her homework, "Why are you gonna stay at Aunt Amy's? You don't like it here at Aunt Maggie's?"
Meredith smiled as she reached over to tuck her daughter's hair behind her ear, "Um, because she's closer to your dad's place and I want to be closer to you. Until we get the house fixed, I am staying there."
"You should just stay at Dad's then," Bailey shrugged as he plopped a spoonful of yogurt into his mouth, "He wouldn't mind."
Meredith didn't miss the way that Zola had quickly glanced at her before returning to her work.
"Um, well we'll see at this point I think I'm just gonna be taking turns in everyone's house," Meredith joked, trying to lighten the mood, "I guess I'm just popular that way."
She smiled at her children's giggles. Their lives had been flipped right under them and they were still finding a way to smile. They truly were blessings in her life that she didn't know she needed. Or wanted.
"When is the house gonna be ready?" Zola asked.
"I don't know yet," Meredith shrugged, "The guy keeps changing the timeline but I'm hoping that we can move in soon. Even if they don't finish. At least it'll be safe for us to stay. I miss our nights fighting over homework."
Bailey and Ellis laughed.
"Did you know that Dad's been talking to the contractor to get him to finish the house faster?" Zola raised a brow.
Before she could answer, the door opened to reveal her sister at the door.
"Oh," Maggie sighed, "I missed this. I missed coming home to my favorite kiddos."
The children excitedly greeted her as she entered the house, "Are you finally gonna sleep over tonight? We could build a fort, have some s'mores-"
"Where's Winston?" Meredith asked with a raised brow.
"He's uh," Maggie didn't look her in the eye, "Uncle Winston is on call."
Maggie shot Meredith a knowing look before turning her attention back to the kids, "What do you guys say, huh? Sleepover?"
The kids turned to their mother excitedly with pleading faces.
"I wish I could say yes, but it's a school night," Meredith shrugged apologetically, "Your Dad is picking you up soon."
Ellis jumped off her chair and ran up to her mother, "When are we gonna move back to our house Momma? I miss you."
Meredith wrapped her arms tightly around her youngest and sighed, "I miss you too, Ellie-Belle."
As if fate were ready to intervene, the doorbell rang.
"That's gonna be Dad," Bailey said as he jumped off the chair and ran to the door. He opened it excitedly and quickly embraced him. Meredith watched as Ellis also ran towards him and happily wrapped her arms around his neck. Derek picked her up effortlessly and pressed a few pecks on her cheeks. She smiled at the sight of her kids. The world could be on fire- and it had been- and they could still find joy with their parents.
Derek's eyes met hers. He smiled softly before turning to Maggie, "Hey Maggie, how are you?'
"I'm good, how are you?" she smiled politely.
"I'm good, thanks," he nodded before turning towards the kids, "You guys should get your stuff, we gotta go."
Meredith stood from the table and made her way to Derek. He smiled and whispered, "Emma is stable. She woke up a little while ago and the first thing she asked was where was the nice doctor who held her hand and promised everything was going to be fine."
"She was talking about you," Meredith rolled her eyes, though a small smile played on her lips. Derek's chuckle was low and familiar, "Zo's done with her homework, Bailey needs to finish his reading log and Ellie is almost done with math. She played me a little earlier. Don't fall for her 'I'm tired' routine."
"Oh great, glad that's made a comeback," he shook his head, "I'll have her finish before she goes to bed."
"Hey, um listen," Meredith stuffed her hands in her pockets and sighed, "I know Amy was supposed to scrub in today and I know-"
"I told you she was unavailable-"
"Because you changed the schedule," Meredith raised a brow with a smile, "I kind of overheard Maria talk about it with the other nurses. They were not happy with you."
Derek sighed, "You know they used to like me."
Meredith giggled, "Thank you. I needed the distraction from everything."
"You know this thing with Zola," Derek stepped closer and whispered, "It's not just on you.c"
"I know," she nodded, "But it feels like it is."
"Well it's not," he shook his head. He caught his daughter approaching him from the corner of his eye and smiled, "Ready to go?"
"Yeah," Zola nodded before turning to Meredith. "See you tomorrow, Mom."
"Bye, Mom," Bailey chimed in as he hugged her, his small arms wrapping around her waist before he hurried after his sister.
Ellis was the last to embrace Meredith, holding her tightly for a moment before dashing out the door. "Bye, Momma!"
Meredith watched them go, her heart both full and aching. "They used to like me," she said quietly, more to herself than to Derek.
Derek turned to her and sighed. He watched as her green eyes darkened and her body caved into herself. Her lips pressed together as her mind wandered somewhere far away.
"It's temporary," he placed his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed it, "As soon as you're back in your house, we'll go back to normal."
Normal. They'd go back to normal. Back to minimal contact and minimal conversations. Back to a set routine that was court mandated. Back to distance. Back to the resentment and the anger. Back to…normal.
"Derek?"
He turned swiftly with his brows raised.
"It wasn't just the surgery," she whispered. A knot caught in her throat as she pulled on her fingers nervously, "It's been years since you and I have been in the same room without yelling at each other or bringing something from the past up."
"I know," he nodded solemnly, "It was nice."
"Yeah," she smiled.
Green eyes stared into blue eyes. Somehow, they were each saying far more than words ever could. It was a secret language that only the other could decipher. For years that had been absent. But for this very moment, they were in their own world, in their own language. They were… they just were.
"It's getting late," Derek smiled, "I should-"
Meredith shook herself from her trance and smiled back, "Yeah. Drive safe."
He smiled one last time and closed the door behind him, leaving Meredith staring at the blue paint and lost in her thoughts.
"You still love him."
Meredith's head snapped towards the source, "Excuse me."
"He's the love of your life," Maggie leaned against the counter top with her arms crossed around her chest. She'd watched everything it had almost felt like an intruder in her own home, "That's what you said when you refused to date again. You said you had it once and it didn't work out. That was that. And yet here you both are making goo goo eyes-"
"Maggie-" Meredith rolled her eyes, "Don't start."
"It's why you turned down Nick's proposal," Maggie followed her down the hallway, "C'mon admit that you turned his proposal down because you still have feelings-"
"Nick wanted something I couldn't give him," Meredith shook her head.
"Because you still love Derek!"
"Derek and I ended years ago. Drop it, Maggie."
"But-"
"Look," Meredith stood at the doorframe of her temporary room, "We've fought for years and our kids paid for the consequences of those fights. Isn't it about time that we get along for their sake?"
"I need hope, Mer," Maggie confessed, "I need hope that this job is not going to interfere between me and my husband so if there is any chance-"
"Maggie," Meredith licked her lips, searching for the right words. She wanted to offer some light at the end of the tunnel, something that could ease Maggie's fears.
"Just because Derek and I couldn't save our marriage," Meredith sighed, her voice softening, "doesn't mean you can't save yours."
Maggie nodded, absorbing her words.
Meredith glanced down the hallway, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I want you to make it work with Winston. Part of the reason Derek and I didn't make it is because I ran—just as much as he did. So don't run."
A/N: Hi! Changed my mind. Author's notes are back at the bottom. It just looks better.
So it's been a while. I've started a new program, I'm busy at work, I'm all over the place really. So writing has taken a back seat. Pardon my delay. I did warn you.
There's really nothing more to say about this chapter than Derek still loves Meredith. No one should ever doubt that. Meredith still loves Derek. We know that. She doesn't. But she knows she misses what they had. So we've torn them apart and now it's finding some common ground. And the first step is common ground with their kids. Because even though they'd both do anything for them, they still have resentment they couldn't get over. I've played with Derek and issues with drinking before. I actually found it interesting and thought it'd be interesting to bring that here. Meredith has a lot to work with because that damn show has a bagillion seasons she just never really learned how to trust. And that's not totally her fault. They both just shoved things under the rug sometimes.
Zola's post-it discovery has sparked something. And our stubborn, hot-headed, arrogant surgeons have met their match with a little blue post-it.
Don't forget to review, please! Thank you!