-May 31, 1820-
"So, how is the season going for you? It's certainly different than the ones from years ago," Eloise commented, stirring sugar into her tea.
Pen smiled at her dear friend, so happy to have her as a sounding board. "I think I got caught up in it all. Maybe I was harbouring old romantic ideas about balls and being courted from my debutante years, and it finally felt like I was experiencing it. Dancing, flirting, having callers bearing gifts."
"You got a good level of attention, a wide variety of men to choose from, certainly," Eloise commented dryly. "Did it live up your old expectations?"
"I think I initially got that level of attention because perhaps I was a bit of a novelty. There aren't that many new young widows, I suppose," Pen sipped her tea, contemplating this. "But as I got more comfortable with it, I just enjoyed it, with no big urgency to marry. And then it seemed to become almost like a competition between them. Men like a challenge."
Eloise sighed. "I have found this as well. The more disinterest I show, the more some men persist in trying to win me over. Like I'm some kind of prize."
Pen chuckled, but it resonated with her own experiences. Perhaps that was what had happened with Colin, why it became such a mess. The more she limited her time with him, the more outlandish he got, trying to obtain it.
"Good afternoon."
Pen's head turned, and after seeing Colin standing in the doorway of the drawing room, she sent an accusatory glare at Eloise.
Her friend grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. "I know you had a disagreement with him. But please just hear him out. I love you both so much. I'll leave you alone for ten minutes."
Pen tried to grab Eloise's arm as she got up, but she slipped away. As her friend departed, Pen jumped up, grabbing her reticule. She did not have to stay for whatever Colin and Eloise had planned. Some type of ambush, when she had made Colin promise to stop doing exactly that.
"Pen, please," Colin implored, holding out a hand towards her.
He sounded so wretched, she looked back at him, and was shocked at his appearance. His skin seemed dull, his eyes showing signs of exhaustion.
Her foolish heart went out to him, and she gave in to his entreaty, sitting on the edge of the settee. Her back was stiff, her chin at a proud angle.
Colin collapsed beside her, reaching for her hand, but she pulled away from him.
He sighed heavily. "I have been an utter fool."
Pen tried not to scoff, heartily agreeing with this statement.
Colin turned to face her, his eyes ardent. "I love you."
"What-" Pen could only utter the one word, so confused by what Colin had just proclaimed.
"I have loved you for years, but I could never tell you," Colin rushed on to say.
"Colin-" Pen could only shake her head. This was so ridiculous.
"The whole time you were being courted by Lord Debling, I finally realized my feelings," Colin was speaking fast, likely fearing she was about try to leave again. "I even rushed to that ball, but got delayed. My carriage had a loose wheel, and it almost came off in transit. You were engaged by the time I got there."
"You meant to stop us?" Pen asked, confused, shocked. Could any of this be true?
"I meant to confess my feelings," Colin clarified.
It was so unexpected. Pen's memories went back to that time……
~~~~ Flashback Starts~~~~
-June 2, 1815-
"Is everything all right, Miss Featherington?" Lord Debling asked, as they did a slow paced dance together.
Pen looked up into his handsome face, his well groomed blond hair and beard, his kind eyes. "Everything is wonderful."
"I'm glad to hear it," he said, with a relieved smile.
They were both a little tense with anticipation tonight. He had been to visit her home yesterday, had asked her mother permission for her hand. It was just a matter of when he would ask her directly tonight.
"May I ask you a question, my Lord?" Pen needed to say what had been on her mind all week, before he asked her THE question.
"Anything."
"Considering how often you travel it makes a great deal of sense that you seek a practical match. But… do you imagine that, with time, love may one day grow?" There. She had asked that hard question.
Lord Debling paused, before giving his answer. "I do not know. To be honest, my work has such a large portion of my heart, it may be difficult to make more space."
"But," he continued, his eyes warm on her's, "I am very glad that you seem like someone that has such a full life."
It was the answer she had been expecting, on her rational side. Her romantic side was disappointed, a little flicker of hope fading.
Lord Debling must have sensed she was not elated at his statements, even if they were truthful. "You look especially beautiful tonight, Miss Featherington." His compliment was meant to cheer her a little. Let her know he appreciated her in his own way.
The dance ended, and he guided her over to a secluded alcove. It had two chairs inside and a curtain partially draped over the entrance. They could have a little privacy here.
Penelope's heart beat faster as she sat down, arranging her dress around her. It was a silvery sage green, with puffed short sleeves and her sheer fingerless gloves on the lower part of her arm.
Lord Debling cleared his throat lightly, sitting up straighter, his smile a bit tense. It made her warm to him, seeing him getting nervous, and she took his hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze.
"Miss Featherington, I greatly admire your intelligence, your beauty, and your forthright manner. Will you marry me? Become my wife?"
His eyes were very blue, gazing into hers, and she could clearly see he meant what he said, and he truly wanted her as his wife.
"Yes, Lord Debling. I will marry you," Pen said, with a warm smile for this kind man.
He gave her a genuine wide, happy smile, and she felt a happy laugh bubbling up. He leaned forward, lightly kissing her on the lips, before wrapping his arms around her upper body for a quick hug.
"You have made me so happy," Lord Debling said, pulling back. "Shall we go share the good news?"
It had happened so fast. Five minutes ago they were dancing, and now they were engaged. Debling lead her across the ballroom, finding her mother.
"Your daughter has accepted my proposal," Lord Debling told her, and gave Pen a very pleased look.
"Oh really, Lord Debling?" Her mother replied, her voice much louder than normal. "You two are now engaged? Congratulations."
She leaned in to kiss his cheek, and then gave Pen an enthusiastic hug. "You did it!" she whispered in her ear.
Lady Featherington was beaming, probably the most outwardly happy out of the three of them. Her loud words announcing their engagement had been heard, and were spreading all over the ballroom. Lord Debling was a rich, handsome man, and quiet, little wallflower Penelope Featherington had secured him. It was quite the story, even though they had been out socially together at many events lately.
People came forward, offering their congratulations. Shaking Debling's hand, telling her how pleased they were for their engagement. It was quite a blur.
"Pen," a familiar voice broke through the buzz of conversation.
She turned to see Colin standing nearby, and shook her head in amazement at him. "This feels a bit surreal. A few minutes ago we were dancing, and now we are engaged."
The smile he gave her was a bit forced. "Congratulations. He is a kind man, and will give you the life and freedom you want."
"I wouldn't be engaged today if it wasn't for you, Colin," Pen said sincerely. "You have been a true friend, helping me with this. Thank you."
His dark eyes looked a bit shiny, and he blinked rapidly, looking away for a moment. "You're welcome," he said softly, and after giving her a small bow, disappeared into the crowd.
~~~~ Flashback Over~~~~
She hadn't seen him much after that, being swept up in wedding preparations. He had been at the wedding, sitting with the rest of the Bridgertons. Toasting them at the wedding breakfast.
Colin's voice broke through her memories. "But before I knew it, you were married and far away. Forever out of my life-"
"Colin-"
But he carried on, his truth, bottled up so long, needing to come out. "I just felt numb. I had missed my chance with you. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. So, of course, I escaped. I travelled, where no one I knew could see how heartbroken I was. I just tried to carry on."
Pen's mind was whirling, trying to make sense of what he was saying. It didn't match up with her memories, remembering how he had supported her efforts to find a husband. Why would he do that if he had those kind of feelings for her?
"But then you were back as a widow, and I was eager to become friends again. My feelings were as strong as ever when I saw you," Colin said, his tone so earnest, so full of his feelings. "But you only saw me as friend, not as a potential suitor."
Pen was thinking back on that day, in her drawing room. When they made that agreement. "So you suggested we-"
"I could not resist a way to be closer to you-"
"It was just physical-"
Colin shook his head. "It never was for me. I worshipped you. Every touch was an expression of my love. Trying to make you see me that way."
Pen's memories went to those nights, becoming lovers. So free and passionate together. Colin so ardent in giving her pleasure, again and again.
"But I couldn't stand you flirting with the others, so compartmentalized. I became desperate, trying even harder to break through to you, trying to keep you from getting engaged to another. It could happen so fast. I was terrified of it happening again, like it had with Lord Debling. I became an overbearing oaf. You were perfectly right to distance yourself. I hardly recognize myself-"
There was a faked cough from the drawing room doorway, and Eloise entered. "Colin, it's been ten minutes. It's time for you to go."
Pen was still reeling from all this.
Beside her, Colin slumped, seeming defeated. But then he nodded, standing up, looking down at her face. "Think about what I have said. You know the truth now." He turned to leave.
"Wait-"
Pen hadn't realized she had said the word aloud until he froze, and slowly turned towards her. A glimmer of hope in his eyes.
She looked at her friend. "I need ten minutes as well."
Eloise gave a little bow of acknowledgment, but there was definitely a grin on her face as she left the room again.
Colin sat back down on the edge of the settee, his motions tentative, like he was afraid the wrong word or action could scare her away.
Pen took a moment, her thoughts still whirling.
"I loved you too-" she started.
Colin jumped at those words, turning towards her and leaning in. "Loved? Past tense? When??-"
Pen stood up. "Colin, calm down. Let me speak," she told him, and felt relieved when he sat back on the settee. He obviously had prepared for today, thought of what he wanted to say. She was being thrown into this. Wandering around, she gathered her thoughts.
"My love was from when we first met. A girlhood infatuation. We became friends, but those feelings lingered," Pen started, feeling her face heating with embarrassment, and cursed her fair skin to herself.
"And then I announced I would never court you-"
Pen nodded, feeling a twinge of pain at hearing him saying those words again. A tender, old wound, never fully healed. "Yes, that did crush those old feelings."
Colin shot her an apologetic glance. "I was such an idiot-"
"We were young, and both stupid," Pen interrupted, not wanting to rehash that part of their history.
She sat on the edge of the settee turned towards him. Time to face all this. "You apologized in that third season, and we carried on. We were only friends. You got me to talk with other men, knew I sought a husband to have a better life than with my family. Even encouraged me when Lord Debling showed his interest."
"Yes, that is true, until the night of my first midnight visit," Colin interjected. "From when we first kissed in your garden. I was never the same after that."
"Truly?" Pen asked, shocked again, her eyes searching his.
He nodded, holding her gaze. Letting her see he really meant it.
She took a sip of her cold tea, her mouth feeling so dry. This was so much to take in.
"And all these years later, when we started doing those midnight visits, I agreed partially because it was a way to get closure on my old feelings. To be more ready to move on," Pen admitted.
It was harder, speaking about this. Talking about more recent emotions.
Colin nodded. "For me as well."
Pen let out an awkward chuckle. "But it was awful."
That made Colin sit up straighter. "Awful? I remember many sounds of enjoyment-"
"Awful in that we were so close, so intimate, it showed what was missing," Pen said, soothing his wounded male pride.
"You started pushing me away-"
Pen nodded. "I couldn't take it, having you sleep in my bed, cuddle me… couldn't allow you that if you didn't truly care for me in that way."
"But I-"
"I knew we were friends. And we were lovers, but most men would want that…," Pen rushed on to say.
Colin scoffed. "And you kept flirting with other men. Considering them as future partners, but never me."
Pen could only stare at him. Thinking of all the time these had spent together the last few months. Had Colin really been in love with her the whole time? Did she miss signs of it?
Colin shifted on the settee to face her better. "My feelings were as strong as ever, but you only saw me as a friend. Not even as a man."
"So that's why you suggested we become lovers? I tweaked your male pride?"
He nodded. "But mostly to get another chance to be with you. To show you my love."
Pen just shook her head in disbelief. "So, the whole time I was married, my mourning period, and living back in London, you had these feelings for me? Even though we hadn't seen each other in years?"
Colin smiled a little self deprecatingly. "For all these years. Just you. There was no one else who came close."
"Not even for a physical release? I know gentlemen go to certain establishments…," Pen waved a hand in the air dismissively.
Colin gave a small shrug. "I rarely went to them, and never since we kissed."
Pen sat back, still a little stunned by all they had shared. This was Colin speaking with her openly, like they had as friends all those years ago. Acting like the Colin she had known so well. But speaking so openly about having all these feelings… for her…. It was hard putting it all together, especially with the sides of Colin she had seen in the last few months. As a lover. As a jealous man, acting so erratically.
Colin took her hand gently, stroking it. "So, now you know that I love you. That I have for years, and I desperately want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Do you love me, or have I ruined everything?"
Having Colin Bridgerton holding her hand, giving her such a tender look, and saying he wanted to marry her was something she had dreamed of since she had met him. It was thrilling, but it didn't feel quite right.
"I don't know…," Pen said honestly.
Colin squeezed her hand. "But will you give me a chance? To court you? To win your heart? Make you believe that my feelings are real?"
This made her feel a surge of emotions for this man, and she gave him a genuine smile. "Yes, Colin. We can do that."
Colin leaned forward, giving her a gentle kiss. His hand came up, cupping her face, kissing her more thoroughly. Putting all the emotions he had been holding back into it.
There was a sound of a throat clearing nearby.
"I gave you twenty minutes this time. It seems like you two are done speaking."
Pen chuckled, pulling back from Colin and feeling a bit breathless from his kiss. "For now," she replied, and gave Colin's hand a little squeeze.
Colin lifted her hand, placing a kiss on the back of it. "May I take you to the opera tonight, Lady Debling?"
It appeared the courting was starting immediately.
Pen gave him a warm smile in return. "Yes, Mr. Bridgerton. That would be lovely."
…
-A/N: Ahhhhhhhh… they finally spoke. A lot of tea spilt that day!!