AN IMMORTAL GOD AND HIS DESTINED ONES
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragon Ball Z, Sekirei, or Ghost Nappa. They're all owned by their respective manga artists/anime companies. Ghost Nappa is owned by TeamFourStar.
BASTARD AUTHOR'S NOTE: If a day ever comes where I trip over a ridiculous-looking rock and I'm forced to choose between either moving or losing my head to laugh at that rock, then I'll definitely choose decapitation for a good laugh. Hey, if I die, then I die. Besides, we're all gonna die someday, so eh, whatever, at least I'd die grinning. Now, onto the first chapter.
BASTARD AUTHOR'S NOTE 2: THE SEQUEL: Also, I wrote...typed...whatever'd this story as a joke (especially the first and second chapters), so everything wrong with it is 100% intentional. These first two chapters are basically what the inside of my head looks like on an average day. If this chapter offends any of the readers, then get over it, seissup. XD
BASTARD AUTHOR'S NOTE 3: REVENGE OF BASTARD AUTHOR'S NOTE: WHYYYYYYY?!
My name is: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the Life of Shin-Chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear Balmung Fezalion Isaac Schneider 1/3 True Love 2/3 Hangnail Anxiety Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish This Is A Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark Kaluga Ray Yuuteimiyaoukimukou pepepepepepepepepepepepe Runny Diarrhea.
...Okay, no. Seriously though, enough with the Gintama references. Onto the story!
Chapter (Negative) 0.0000001 ProloGAAAAAAY!: Arrival: Saiyan vs. Sekirei! ...And Everything Horrible In This World All Summed Up In This Chapter For Your Viewing Pleasure.
Goku had been watching over Planet Earth for 3,999,999,373 of its 4,000,000,000 years in existence, eventually becoming an immortal, omnipotent Go-
"NO TROLLING BY RE-POSTING THE ENTIRE 1ST CHAPTER, ASSHOLE! HYAAAAA!" Goku screamed in rage as he punched a hole in my face.
One Resurrection Later...
"Now do it right this time," Goku ordered, so I took a shit, gave him the middle finger, and off'd myself.
Goku sighed as he uploaded the second chapter, brought me back to life again, and started beating me with a gopher.
AN IMMORTAL GOD AND HIS DESTINED ONES
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragon Ball Z, Sekirei, or Ghost Nappa. They're all owned by their respective manga artists/anime companies. Ghost Nappa is owned by TeamFourStar. Please suppor-okay, screw this shit. BATMAN LAUNCHER!
WARNING: This chapter contains mind-rape to the highest degree, as this is usually the state of my mind on a daily basis. Yayz. YOLO!
A/N: Where is my TV Tropes Page?!
If I End Up Calling This Chapter 3, Then It's Actually Chapter 4.
Chapter 2 (Lolz): Explanations, Zombies, Zombified Sekirei...Even Though There Aren't Any Zombified Sekirei In This Chapter. What? I Don't Get Paid To Write This, So I'm Going To Be Lazy And Not Actually Include Zombified Sekirei.
In a world where guys chop off their own dicks, or something...
So the author of that story based her work on "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time" because she just wanted a reason to fuck up time. Then Satan turned into Stan.
"So let me get this straight. You and the other 107 of your species...feces...yeez are called Sekirei, and when someone with enough of a lifeforce kisses one of you, then he or she becomes an Ashikabi. My butter is trying to wank me. However, people without a strong enough vitality are not capable of becoming Ashikabis, right?" Goku asked Kazehana to make sure that he understood her correctly.
Suddenly, a random little kid wearing some half-dead guy's kidneys for shoes jumped out of some conveniently-placed bushes. He then ran-his kidney shoes making a squelching sound with each step he took-up to the two, whipped out his tallywhacker, and started masturbating right in front of them.
"What the Hell, boy?!" Gokurot shouted as he daintily skipped towards the child (not sure if the word "daintily" is exactly the word I'm looking for, but I got over it and decided not to care, lolz).
"I just love to masturbate. It feels so good when I stroke my schlong!" He replied in a cheerful tone of voice.
"Suddenly, you have to go see a psychologist!" Takami happily shouted at the child as she pulled a frying pan out of her ass and started beating the kid's small, sensitive, and stupid kiddie balls with it.
The little boy passed then out from the pain. When he regained consciousness, he was Earth. He sat up and was hit in the head with a pony, specifically an Alicorn named Princess Celestia, which he then proceeded to fuck in the arse while gangster rapping like an innocent, holy heathen. She quacked like a duck as the boy's dick entered her rectum before travelling all the way through her body and re-emerging through the other side (her mouth). The boy said the words "pet pretty poneeeey" before repeatedly smacking the top of it's head like a retard until her head fell off. The poor Alicorn then DIED! After this, the kid with a 10-foot dick stood up, only to sit back down again immediately after. As he sat, he began to stare at his cock. Maybe it would change colors. It didn't, so he squeezed it until it turned red. As a result, he died forever. Following his death, he was sodomized by seven Saudi Soldierssssss...and a clown. Then he started crying.
"Oh no, it's the sobbing undead child! Fap for your lives!" A random, wrinkly, nude, and retarded old geezer with liver spots shouted and proceeded to do just that.
He also used the art of quack (whatever the hell that means).
Unfortunately, it had no effect, and the undead child cried the old man to death, lolz. Almost immediately after his death, the old geezer came all over the ground he was lying on and turned into a zombie as well. Then the zombie and zomboy (lolz) started having anal sex as water started cumming from their magic rocks. Cocks. Suddenly, two chickens slowly rose up out of the bushes before lowering themselves back into said bushes.
Minaka chose this moment to fart erotically. The force he used to expel his melodic ass gas whilst striking a sexy pose was so great that it somehow launched one of the Sekirei eggs into outer space. At that moment, the egg did the impossible and sprouted a brain. Not wanting to freeze to death, it defied logic once again and began to swim back towards the planet. Soon enough, it entered the world's atmosphere. It fell all the way back to the island before splatting right next to Minaka. In the end it died anyways. Minaka then pulled his pants down and pissed on it's remains. Next, he turned around and defecated on it. Finally, he finished up by rubbing his finkledong in the shit-covered, piss-stained blobs of blood and eggshell pieces, blowing 25 loads worth of semen, seamen, and fishing boats out of his centimeter-peter. ...Yet none of the five Sekirei noticed any of it, mainly because they were all too busy listening to their IPods to give two shits. Minaka then pulled his own finger, causing his belly button to slide up before a thin stream of oil exited from the new hole in his stomach.
Suddenly, Gandalf appeared before Minaka and shouted, "YOU SHALL NOT PISS!"
In response, Minaka slapped Gandalf with his cock and pissed into his eyes. The old wizard then died. Unfortunately for him, Goku wasn't going to let him rest in peace and thus brought him back to life.
"Haha! You have to suffer more! Sucks to be you!" Then Goku kicked Gandalf in the balls and shattered them, thereby sending the geezer back to his own realm.
And Gandalf fell into despair, as his shit would remain in his ass for all time.
It was so badass that Edward, Bella, and the author of "Twilight" made a conscious decision to be stupid by killing themselves...even though it had nothing to do with how badass the scene was. ...Or did it? ...Well, it doesn't matter, lolz.
Anyways, Goku vaporized the madman's mess with a ki blast and sighed, "Well, at least my son, The Great Singing Man, isn't here."
"I think you mean The Great Saiyaman, Goku," The readers deadpanned.
"The Great Sane Man, The Great Singing Man, The Great Gohan Man. What's the difference? Now stop breaking the 5th Wall, you shitty excuse-of-an-author. Anyways, Dolfy is trust, but he is being chased by oranjizz...lolz," Goku replied. "Now I've drugged my balls. Arise, Eternal Dragon, and shit dragon cum!"
Pills. Haaaaaalleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleeeeeluiaaaaah! Happy Birthday!
Just then, a thirteen-year old girl jumped out from behind a tree. Upon noticing the squirrel next to a tree, Minaka blew it up with a toaster launcher that he had suddenly vomited up, despite never having ingested one in the first place. Then he noticed the girl by another tree (the one that was being mentioned in the first sentence of this paragraph, lolz), so he grabbed a lamp and used it to beat off to her. He then jizzed all over the girl's entire body and into her mouth as he transformed into a super pedophile. The girl then drowned in magical cum, which was her lifelong dream.
"Minaka! What the Hell, you bastard?! Did you have sex with her too at some point?! DID YOU CHEAT ON ME, YOU PEDO-BASTARD?!" Takami, who was clearly enraged at this point, screamed in her husband's face.
"First, no. I've never screwed anybody but you, honey. Second, even if I ever decide to do so, you'll forgve me, right?" The madman asked nonchalantly.
A tick mark appeared on Takami's head. "NO WAY IN HELL, DUMBASS! Who would be so lenient with a lover who cheats on him or her?!" She screamed again.
"The author of this story, for one," Minaka casually answered.
"DON'T BRING HIM INTO THIS ARGUMENT! Besides, that was different! Sure, it didn't bother him, and it's also true that he told his fiánce that it was okay and that we all make mistakes, but she felt bad about cheating on him and apologized about it on her own accord! You, on the other hand, probably wouldn't even give two shits about being a two-timing bastard!" Takami screamed as another tick mark appeared on her head.
"Oh Takami! I'm hurt that you would think so lowly of me," Minaka said in mock sadness.
A third and final tick mark appeared on Takami's head as she balled up her fists. "Not as badly as you'll be hurting when I get through with you!" She screeched, stalking up to Minaka.
As Takami began her brutal assault on her husband's person, Goku and Kazehana resumed their conversation.
"So you're strong AND you catch on quickly. I like that in a man," She said in a lustful tone while beating his meat-er, cuddling him. For some reason unbeknownst to her, she had not been able to keep her hands off of him (George Takei: Oh my) ever since he winged her a few minutes ago. "However, I hate jerks, so I hang out with them, lolz. Anyways, that's right, the kiss creates a spiritual bondage-I mean bond between both Sekirei and Ashikabi that cannot be broken until one of them dies. As soon as a human kisses a Sekirei, they die, lolz. Actually, the kiss means they are stuck with each other for the rest of their lives, whether they want it or not. Now you can eat the baby and ask me for birds with a whip. Then we'll shit on the sun. Nun. Lolz. Weeaweeaweeawee! Yee," Kazehana explained to the Saiyan God.
This made Goku frown in disapproval, something that did not go unnoticed by his Sekirei. "Why does it bother you so much, my Ashikabi? The almighty creator, known as The Holy Crab In Heaven, created crabs so that people could eat them and DIE from a FALCON...PAAAAWNCH to the dickie, dickie, dickie! Pussy, pussy, pussy! Boobies, boobies, boobies! Big fat loose booby! AIEEEEEEEEEEEE! Yikyikyikyikyickeeeeee! 666! 18."
Goku gasped in surprise before excitedly shouting, "Pregnant ass-titties! You know what I'm thinking?! Nein (9) nein (9) nein (9)! 27."
"I think so, but if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why does he keep doing it?" The Sekirei asked as she went cross-eyed and smiled idiotically.
"...AAAAAAAH!" Goku suddenly screamed out, followed by his head exploding.
Impossibluhbluhbluhbluhbluh!
Once Goku's head re-grew (...re-grew, lolz), he happily exclaimed, "That's amazing! I've only ever known a few people with that ability!" His expression suddenly became serious as he imploded, "Grab my stuff!"
Kazehana immediately grabbed his "stuff" and started stroking it. The softness of her hands caused a warmth to spread throughout his body. The gentleness of her touch sent jolts of pleasure washing over his dick. Deer skin splattered against him. Then he jizzed. Suddenly, Michael Rosen appeared with a baby that was all dressed up in baby clothes, save for its big, hairy ballsack that hung out in the open. Michael then started fingering the baby right in its asshole. It immediately started to cry, which only caused Michael to go faster.
"Thanks Red!" Kazehana said.
A bird sex with a tree = a baby Eboneezer Scrooge Mermaid
Then Goku said, "Anyways, yayz. I'm softly all for softly being together until death, but the soft fact that you've been softly robbed of that soft choice kind of irks me a bit...softly. Softie, soft, soft, sofeteey-soft, soft."
A wooden sign had a battle of the 'nads.
However, it was Goku's earlier statement that had caught his Sekirei's attention. Actually, she just got confused by a donut.
"Wait, you know people that can actually read the minds of others?! Not even Sekirei can do that! A Sekirei and its Ashikabi are able to naturally read each other's emotions because of the bond, but to actually read someone's mind is unheard of! Fuck me really hard and fast!" Kazehana shouted.
So Goku dropped his pants, and Kazehana gaped at the size of the Saiyan God's cock. It was huge, at least 12 centimeters in length. Actually, it was 12 inches long.
Fun Fact #2: Saiyans are aliens, so they have larger dicks than humans in this story.
Mark had a team of doodie. Three girls: The oldest one, the idiotic one, and the orange one. You have the answers, and I want questions! You can't handle the questions! You're going to question me!
Back on topic, how the heck was she supposed to stay sane if she wasn't even safe inside of her own mind?! Why is the author asking that instead of Kazehana?!
"I see now! So that's why I keep on getting funny feelings that aren't my own (George Takei: Oh my). This bond's weird. Come to think of it, I wonder why these bonds activate from a kiss...sis. Oh, and to answer your question, trees. But seriously, I used to know a few people who could do that. They've been dead for over three billion years, though," Goku replied casually before making a fist and bopping it into the palm of his other hand in realization. "Oh, that's right! My son is into trannies-er, I mean, I forgot about Vagina! Yeah, Vegeta! He can read minds as well."
Kazehana sweatdropped at how carefree he was being about all of this. 'How is it possible for him to be taking all of this so well? Doesn't anything ever faze this guy? And what was that about a mentally deranged son who's into trannies? That means Goku's son is a Satanic Nazi who shits on the Bible and loves Justin Beiber's centimeter-beaver! ...Wait, over three billion years?! And who the Hell is Virginia?! Oh well, I wouldn't be surprised if he's telling the truth. More importantly, does this fat make me look dress, and why does that make about as much sense as a leotard on steroids? Himlavern,' She mused.
"I am cornholio! I need teepee for my bunghole! Weeeee! The bond activates when the Ashikabi's and Sekirei's DNA mix via saliva, usually through a kiss. Once this happens, their DNA merges together, and they, in a sense, become one with each other until one dies," She converted to the Saiyan God.
"Not weeee, but Wii U, lolz. Anyways, oh! So it's like the Fusion Technique, except that you can use it without both people having to become a single person! Man, that sounds really useful!" Goku exclaimed, causing Kazehana to look at him incredulously.
"I'm a retard! Watch me walk funny! Weeeeeeeeee!" Minaka, who had been standing by idly this whole time, suddenly shouted as he began taking tiny steps while walking around in a circle.
Takami asked Minaka why he was being so mysterious, so he got angry and started crying, "WAH! WAH! I chopped a tree down! WAH! WAH!" Then he cried in the great cunt of Japan, despite the fact that he was also crying on Kamikura Island at the same time. ...Logic FTW, lolz.
Suddenly, an arrow materialized out of nowhere and somehow flew straight into his eye. "...AAAAAAAUGH!" Then he took an arrow to the knee.
*Dr. Ivo "Beethoven" Robotnik: Ode To The Pingas*
"Suck My Pin-gas, Suck My Pin-gas,
Pingas, Pingas, Pi-Pingas!
Suck My Pin-gas, Suck My Pin-gas,
Pingas, Pingas, Pi-Pingas!
Pingas, Pingas, Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pingas!
Pi-Pi-Pi-Pi-Pinga-OUCH!"
*Song Abruptly Ends*
Minaka was cut off via frying pan to the face, courtesy of Takami. In response, the madman started silently shouting profanities. ...Or at least he tried to, anyways. It turned out that he sucked at using sign language. Therefore, he gave up on it.
"Wait, then how about, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Ponyfucker" instead?" Minaka suggested, only to have a wooden sword that squirted soy sauce out of it's tip shoved up his ass.
Then the scene switched to a jar of mayonnaise.
Anyways, was Kazehana's Ashikabi really suggesting that it was possible for two people to merge into a single being?! Dur...yes.
"A-Anyways, I don't believe that I've introduced myself yet. I'm Sekirei number 03, Kazehana," she told her Ashikabi.
"Kazehana? How...gay," Goku said with a friendly smile.
Kazehana angrily shouted, "Don't talk shit about me!"
Goku gaped in shock for a moment before his head/face abruptly became a pizza.
"...BKAAAAAAWK!" A chicken screamed/squawked...squrawmked...as it appeared out of nowhere.
Goku, who snapped his fingers to return his head/face to it's original state, grinned sheepishly and said, "Baaaaaaa!"
...No. Goku actually said, "Oh, right. I'm Son Goku, and I'm a Saiyan from Earth."
"I ate diabetes. What's a Saiyan?" Kazehana asked in confusion.
The wild Sekirei hurt itself in confusion and fainted! Goku gained 0.0000000001 EXP. Points! Lolz.
But seriously, her Ashikabi was mysterious. Whenever she learned something new about him, it just brought up more questions, just like a retarded jackass does when sucking it's own dick.
"Hailing from Planet Vegeta, the Saiyans were the strongest race in the entire universe. We would go to different planets and fart all over the universe before exterminating entire civilizations. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTEERMINAAATE! Just like the Daeliks. The Saiyans worked for the galactic overlord Frieza, who would then sell the planets to the highest bidder. However, Frieza was afraid that a Super Saiyan would eventually rise up and crap on his reign of terror. Therefore, he blew up our planet, killing all but a handful of us. Sus. Just before this, I was sent here to Planet Earth when I was born. When I arrived, I hit my head on a rock that was wearing a pointy wizard's hats and holding a wand when I was a baby, causing me to acquire amnesia. Along with losing my memory, I also lost the viciousness that a Saiyan would normally have." Goku explained. "But if you ask Prince Vegeta, he will tell you that his father, King Vegeta, doomed his entire race and got his dick sliced off by Frieza when he pissed off the intergalactic space tyrant by asking him to flagellate his 'flagpole'."
...Then Goku blew up the moon. And there was much rejoicing. Wickeeyeewee!
Kazehana fucked her imaginary horse-doctor before she shat bricks, a cock-shaped rock, a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and a garden rake. Actually, she sucked a horse dick. Actually, Kazehana's jaw had dropped and her eyes were wide throughout her Ashikabi's entire story. Intelligent lifeforms on other planets?! A galactic space overlord?! Space pirates?! Tittie-sprinkles! This had to be some kind of joke, right?! And why aren't any of these questions italicized and in single quotes, seeing as these are supposed to be Kazehana's thoughts?! Then, as if it were a sign from the Heavens, a new voice suddenly made itself known.
*Play the song "Ghost Nappa" by TeamFourStar. ...PLAY IT! XD*
"Hey guys, don't forget about me!" Ghost Nappa said as he suddenly appeared in front of the two. "Hi! I'm Ghost Nappa, and I am possibly not a sparrow! This is Goku! He's friends with Vegeta, who is a prison bitch."
Somewhere far away, an exasperated scream from a certain Saiyan Prince suddenly resounded throughout the universe.
The sight of the lovable Saiyan Ghost was, as the saying goes, "the straw that broke the camel's back", as Kazehana's mind overloaded and crashed. She now stood there, staring at them motionlessly. "Oops, I think I brokeded her, Goku," Ghost Nappa said to the Saiyan God, who face-faulted at the comment.
Walking up to her, Goku put his hand on the female Sekirei's shoulder and used the Instant Transmission technique to return to The Realm Of The Kais.
As soon as they left Kamikura Island, the remaining four Sekirei, along with Minaka, awoke from their unconscious states (because Minaka and the others had CLEARLY forgotten what they'd been doing while Goku and Kazehana were talking...not, lolz) and noticed that Kazehana was missing. This made Minaka absolutely livid as he roared, "FIND SEKIREI NUMBER 03 AT ANY COST, NOW! NOBODY MUST KNOW OF YOUR EXISTENCE YET! I'll be installing a tracking device inside each of you this evening! NOW MOVE! Then you may suck my regal PINGAS! Oh, and one more thing: You shall now all refer to me by my new name...Betty! Hahah-Ouch!"
Takami, who had just hit Minaka over the head, yelled, "Oh no we won't! Your name is, and will continue to be, Minaka! Stop trying to rip off the movie, "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist!", jackass! Also, I hat ghosts!"
She then put a wig on Ghost Nappa's head...or at least she tried to, seeing as it passed through him and fell to the ground.
"That was a wig, not a hat," The Saiyan Ghost pointed out.
Takami shrugged and said, "No shit. Anyways, Minaka! You can't change your name to Betty!"
"Oh fine...killjoy," Minaka, who now wore makeup on his face, pouted before adding, "You know, I used to be a little girl who picked pretty daisies and frolicked out in the fields. The boys would always come up to me and shove their dicks in my tight, wet pussy and call me a sweet little bitch before cumming. In response, I would always happily babble like a retard and make baby sounds, such as 'goo-goo-ga-ga'. Suddenly, surprise! Buttsex! Then I became a beautiful bird and sang the Anthem Of Butt-faced Pedophiles And Sarphagopolis. Oh, now my penis is hard from looking at those clouds."
He suddenly sees that Karasuba is staring at him. "Hi Minaka! Come over here so I can rape and hideously maim you."
"Okay," He said.
When Karasuba was done with Minaka, he looked at Takami and said, "Now as Scorpion from Mortal Kombat so eloquently worded it ... GET OVER HERE! RAAWRLAWRLAWRLAWRLALA! Pingas! Pingas! Pingas! Pingas!"
"WAAAAAAAAAH!" Takami screamed in horror as the madman sprinted towards her while she threw her hands up into the air and started running away from him as quickly as possible.
"Use force, Minaka," Darth Failure said in a soothing tone of voice.
Then a group of zombies, who had created their own rock band, suddenly popped up and started performing a song while spewing forth streams of vomit. Then a guy raped himself and jizzed out a teddy bear.
On that day, Sekirei No. 01/Miya, along with Sekirei No. 02/Matsu, left MBI for good.
As for the two humping zombies...well, they just continued to stay on the island and fuck each other's brains out until their bodies were eaten by a swarm of retarded vultures. Half of these vultures took too large of a bite and choked to death, while all but one of the rest of them somehow managed to drown themselves in oxygen a few minutes later. The last one drowned because it tried to breathe in seawater in the hopes of growing gills. A fish then swam up to the bird's dead body and started humping the shit out of it. A moment later, one last fart exited the dead vulture's ass while over an underwater volcano. The perverted fish was incinerated as the fart ignited and blasted the bird into space by it's rectum. The vulture was seen by all on the island, and in it's honor, it became the first creature to be dubbed as an ass-blaster since the new type of tremor in the movie, "Tremors 3".
Alternate ending: While making out, Offenderman pulls on the hair of a girl he's about to rape, only for it to slip off...REVEALING THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY A WIG BEING WORN BY A CROSSDRESSING BLACK GUY WITH AN INCREDIBLY MUSCULAR PHYSIQUE. The now-revealed man dressing as a girl licks his lips seductively, and in a deep, baritone voice says, "Ooh yeah baby." Offenderman then screams like a little girl, wretches, and dies.
And thus the ultimate prank was pulled.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sorry for the short length, but it's not easy when you have to type with your nose because both wrists are hurt. Since the rest of my story was erased, and I don't have this particular chapters saved, peace out.
END.